Diamond Hearts

I woke up one morning to find I was dead.

Dead, and in a world filled with nauseatingly adorable multi-coloured ponies.

But yeah... Dead.

I didn't notice straight away mind you.

I woke up in another one of my unwanted yet well earned hangovers...

Like ya do.

... and waved a hand in front of my face, just to be sure I could actually see; When you've been to as many college parties as I have, you develop a system for waking up drunk, check your sight, observe your surroundings for the nearest restroom, if its not your place then get your personal items and run like hell.

Item One was a check, despite the lack of a light source in whatever room I was in, I could vaguely make out the outline of my hand moving. So that was a plus.

Item Two was where things got real complicated, real fast. I rubbed my head trying in vain to alleviate the throbbing feeling I had in my skull. Let this be a lesson, never follow whisky shooters with a few rum and cokes.

"I AM NOT A THING!!!"

I'm not (kinda) ashamed to admit, the muffled girly scream above my head did made me flinch. Unfortunately the turgid mix of both fear and embarrassment that came with waking up not in, but under a strangers bed was lost to me. Dwarfed if you will by a stabbing pain deep in the back of my head, something akin to someone plucking my brain out and tossing it into a washing machine full of razorblades. Just great, I was under someone's bed, who from the sounds of it didn't know I was there, and I had a migraine.

Well, at least it'd be a funny story for the guys, If I didn't get arrested first.

"(Groan) Ohhhh"

I'd tried to hold it back, I really had, but when your brain feels like its survived a night with Freddy Krueger, the occasional moan of pain can't be helped.

Just as I had expected everything in whoever's room I was had gone dead quite. Perfect, any second now someone was gonna yell and either an angry boyfriend or worse, parent, would bust in and toss me out the window... again.

Okay; I decided the best course of action would be to play it off as a funny accident and hope that maybe, just maybe, this girl would have a sense of humour about it. Or live alone so I could make a clean getaway.

"Where the hell?"

In all honesty I hadn't intended to sound like some tipsy old homeless guy, but the damage had been done and something told me that clearing my throat would only make things worse.

Above my head I heard movement. The last thing I needed was for some half drunk chick to catch me, lord knows how scruffy I must have looked, chillin' under her bed.

Call it a knee jerk reaction, call it me running on instinct, or maybe it was the surprisingly pointy tiara I caught my hand on. But my whole body shot forward... and my head and shoulders went straight through the mattress. Now your probably thinking of it like a cartoon, me sticking out of a hole in the bed like an old spring, a flock of birds circling my head, me looking black eye'd and teeth missing. Well sorry to tell you, what really happened was much less funny, depending on your perspective.

How to describe what it feels to phase through something; I guess the simplest way to put it would be, it felt as though my  top half had past through a layer of jelly. Gross I know, unless your into that sort of thing. But trust me, it felt just as unnatural as you can imagine.

That disturbing imagery aside, the full reality of what had just happened wouldn't hit me for several hours. Why that long? Well let's just say what I spotted on the bed trumped everything I'd ever seen in terms of sheer mind-bending what-the-fuckery. There, in front of me, splayed out over the bed like a bear skin rug, sat a pink, bushy maned pony... with a tattoo.

Either I'd been slipped something fierce earlier that night and was tripping crazy hard, or every story I'd heard of the afterlife had been way off. Why jump to thinking I'm dead right away? Well for starters don't interrupt, and, well lets face it, while it may not be uncommon for any of you to see candy coloured ponies every day, it was for me.

"What the actual fuck?"

Honestly was there anything else I could have said? Maybe, "Hello" or "Hi pony, wazzup".

To this day I'm not sure what scared her more, the fact that I was, to her anyway, an alien, sticking out of her bed. Or the stupid expression on my face.

And staring her right in the face... can't forget that.

With a high pitched scream that rivalled a soccer coaches whistle, the pink pony dove under her covers.

"Whoaaa..." I had only meant to take a step back for some distance, unfortunately my foot slipped on that damned tiara. As I was in the middle of standing, my other leg became spring loaded, and... well as difficult this may be to describe to any none pegasi, but instead of falling back and landing on my ass, it was as if gravity had lost its hold on me. I haphazardly flew back, careening straight through the nearest door and into a pile of soft toys.

As my head came up through the torso of what I later discovered to be a stuffed Minotaur a disturbing thought occurred to me, 'I do not wanna go out being probed by alien ponies!'.

From the other side of the door I heard the footfall of a large sounding individual entering the room.

"Miss Tiara, are you alright?"

From what I could hear, it was a distinctly female voice, faintly Equish if I wasn't mistaken. Which was weird, I honestly hadn't expected... whatever the hell I'd just seen, to speak my language. Or for there to be more than one.

"No I'm not alright! There's a monster in my room, its head... I think it was its head, came right up through my bed and then it screamed like, like a BIG monkey, and..."

That had to be the pony-like alien thing I'd seen before. It was definitely loud enough. From the new voice I heard what could have either been an indignant scoff or a pony hacking up a fur-ball. At this point I was willing to accept either one, logic had gone out the window five minutes ago.

"(Chuckle) Oh really? A monster, that screams like a monkey..."

"And looks like one! With almost no fur... and clothes on"

"...and looks like one with little fur and wears clothes, and can apparently turn invisible."

I had to hand it to the new voice, when you said it out loud, it did sound pretty stupid. Whatever unscrupulous individual, or god, that caused this must have been drunk off his (or her) ass, or have a seriously messed up sense of humour.

"I didn't say it was invisible, I hid... uhhh found cover and the think must have hid somewhere."

It was more like crashed actually. But there was not time to worry about that now, I had to find somewhere in this overstuffed closet to hide... It was then that I realised I was buried in a stuffed Minotaurs belly.

I'd like to say I handled the situation better than I had everything else that night... buuuuut...

"JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST!"

I jumped into the air for a second time, this time however my legs came up into the foetal position against my chest... but I didn't go anyway. I was essentially rotating in a ball in mid-air, like a globe on a pivot or a basketball on a finger.

I heard a startled cry from the other room, followed by, "It's in the closet!"

"Miss Tiara, are you sure you weren't just dreaming?"

God how I wish I could have said that.

"What? It just screamed, didn't you hear it? How could you not hear that!"

The clip clop sound of hooves snapped me out of my momentary lapse into insanity... or maybe sanity, it was hard to tell. The closet door opened revealing a grey pony wearing a maid outfit and... a tattoo of a plate on its rump. The sight of me floating in the air made the pink pony scream and dive under the bed she'd been sitting on. The grey pony gave a bewildered look in both our directions before walking, or I guess trotting back to the bed and peering under.

"Miss Tiara? There's nothing there."

"NOTHING THERE!"

That time we'd both screamed, I would have called 'Jinx' but I was far to busy trying to right myself as I couldn't seem to stop turning in place.

"Well what do you call that!"

The pink pony leapt out from under the bed, pointing a pink hoof in my direction.

"I'd call that, a pile of toys in desperate need of reorganising"

The grey pony smiled, picking up the diamond tiara from under the bed and placing it on a small blue cushion.

"B-but, Its right there!"

"And HE is seriously freaking out right now!"

My chiming in must have startled her as she fell over herself in surprise.

"There you see, it talked!"

The grey pony just shook her head and trotted over to the closet door.

"Oh really? Well then how do you explain this?"

At first I though she was going to throw something inside, but instead she herself trotted in, right onto the pile of toys and straight through me... and lord is it weird when a ponies head goes straight through your crotch whilst trying in vain to float upright.

"You see, nothing in here... except me of course"

The grey pony giggled to herself, now sitting comfortably on a pile of plushies with her head sticking out of my waist. The little pink pony's expression matched my own, mouth agape as she appeared to be questioning many aspects of reality which now seemed entirely plausible.

Climbing down from the mound of toys, the taller pony petted the pink pony on her head.

"Now, Miss Diamond Tiara..."

That part threw me through a loop, her name was Diamond Tiara? Well granted I'd heard weirder names back home, heck my neighbour was named 'John Glamour'. My stepmother was actually named 'Mary Weather', she didn't appreciate all the 'Sleeping Beauty' jokes.

"... I understand what's going on"

She does? I found that very hard to believe.

"I have three younger brothers and one big brother, so I know what your trying to do... you don't want to go to school tomorrow"

The little pony face-palmed. Or was it face-hoofed? I tried to do the same but my hand went through my head. The little pony must have seen this since she appeared to be at least a little less shaken.

"Why would she scream about monsters to get out of school? How would that even work?"

Now I knew the little pony was watching because she repeated everything I'd just said.

"Hey yeah! How would that get me out of school?"

The only response the filly received was the grey pony picking her up with her teeth and dropping her in bed, tucking her in.

"Hey... Lady, uhhh Pony... You didn't answer the question!"

The little 'Diamond' pony heard me cause she was looking my way, but the taller pony didn't even spare a passing glance.

"Missy, you had a bad dream, your over tired and I'm sorry, but you do have to go to school in the morning"

Grey pony tucked Diamond in to bed; By now I was tired of floating in this closet. You can only imagine the look on the little pony's face as I, the monkey like alien, slowly hovered out of the closet doing the breaststroke.

Mouth quivering, Diamond quickly turned to the grey pony, a pink hoof pointed right at me.

"You seriously don't see this!"

"Yeah, gotta admit, as bat-shit crazy as this is, you really shouldn't talk down to your daughter-pony... or whatever"

Apparently the pony named Diamond didn't appreciate my chiming in.

"Hey, stop talking! You don't get to talk! And don't call her my mom!"

In all fairness, I didn't know the grey pony's relation to Diamond, but whatever it was that she'd said made the grey pony beam like the guy from the 'Aquafresh' ads. Leaning in, the grey pony rubbed her face in Little Diamonds mane. I believe its called nuzzling, but hey, I'm not a pony.

"That's sweet Diamond, and I just love that you've made an imaginary friend, how adorable... But its time for sleep now, so you and your (giggle) monkey friend get some rest and I'll wake you in the morning. Goodnight."

The grey pony pecked Little Diamond on the forehead and trotted out the open door, closing it behind her.

For at least ten minutes it was a tense staring contest between Little Diamond and myself, probably didn't help that I was floating at the end of her bed. And that I had no idea what was happening. And that I couldn't get back down, I tried but my feet wouldn't reach the floor.

Quivering slightly, Little Diamond pulled her covers up over her muzzle. Awkwardly I rubbed the back of my head, or rather the area that I hoped was the back of my head, again couldn't really feel much.

"W-what are you? What do you w-want?"

Gotta say, I was surprised that the kid was the one starting the conversation, even if it was hard to make out considering she was whispering.

"Huh? Well... in that order, I'd say I'm a human. My name is..."

Pause, world frozen, blood drained from face... what was my name? Thinking back brought me nothing, I thought of family, but none of the names from them seemed to fit. I thought of smiling friends and... actually there were other things missing too. Where I lived. My last memory of my parents I remembered as five years ago, nothing of them after that. What about my boyfriend? Did I have a boyfriend? Damn, so many empty files.

"Your name is...?"

Little Diamonds voice brought me back to my senses.

"What? (Groan) I can't remember... there's a ton I can't remember! In fact," I turned arms crossed to Little Diamond "Why did you bring me here?"

Little Diamond shivered under her covers.

"W-what? I didn't do it. I just went to bed and then you jumped out behind me!"

Now it was my turn to, metaphorically, scratch my head.

"Well excuse me if I don't take the word of a talking alien horse! How are you talking anyway? Last time I checked ponies can't talk and they don't look much like you."

Little Diamond looked as puzzled as me.

"What are you talking about? All ponies can talk! I don't look any more different than any other pony, and your the alien! Monster!"

In spite of my bizarre situation, I had to chuckle at that last part; Kids, they say the darnedest things.

We return to our staring contest for a few more minutes, Little Diamond shuffling in her bed, probably trying to get comfy. Me, I repeatedly tried touching my hands together, only to have then phase through each other. After a while, Little Diamond finally spoke up.

"Why are you here?"

I... actually had no answer for that.

"Uhhh, I actually don't know, I thought it was you but..." I looked over the little pony, I was never a top of the class student but just looking at this... filly was it? There was noway, no freaking way that this little pony could have caused this. "I don't think you did this. But you can see and hear me, that other pony couldn't, so that doesn't exactly help your case. And believe me, if she was acting, she's dedicated. I don't know how things work here, but where I come from if you put your head through a guys crotch, most folks wouldn't be nearly so casual about it! I mean would you..."

"Never mind! Forget I asked!"

Little Diamond had her hooves firmly placed over her ears.

"Yeesh! So... what now?"

That was a weird question, what did she want me to say.

"Ummm, I don't know. I mean, I'm dead and..."

Oh, such a poor choice of words around a kid.

"(Gasp) Y-your DEAD!"

Again Face-palm, me-so-stupid!

"Well, technically yes, humans can't float and phase through things, but... I don't remember dying."

But then again I had allot of blanks in my memory.

"I thought you said you couldn't remember a ton of stuff"

Well, at least she listened.

"(Sigh) I don't know okay, I just don't know! I can't remember..."

"Well... maybe your dead"

Ow, harsh.

"... And this is what? The afterlife? Not exactly what I had hoped for. Or Purgatory? I mean I know I'm not a saint but I'm not a complete..."

"Maybe you don't remember being evil"

"Hey, when did you start talking"

"When do you stop?"

Touché Little Dia... Touché.

But could it be true, am I really dead?!

"Your probably dead"

Damn kid, tear my currently non-existent heart out and throw it in a blender.

"Wow, harsh kid, jeeez!"

"Well, you got a better answer?"

I sighed, no, I didn't have a better answer.

"No, no I don't... but how come you can see me?"

Little Diamond rubbed her chin with a free hoof.

"Princess Twilight"

Wow, I didn't know these ponies had video games. I was in a weird frame of mind at this point.

"Well personally I prefer 'Wind Waker', but that game is good too. Kinda serious but not bad."

"What? I don't know what your talking about, but you have to go see Princess Twilight!"

Princesses? Pony Princesses? This is the afterlife? Man, that book my step mom carried around was way off.

"You have princesses?"

Why was she looking at me that way?

"Uhhhh, yeah, we have four; Princess Celestia controls the sun, Princess Luna controls the moon, Cadence is the princess of Love and Twilight's the princess of Friendship."

You'd think the idea of ponies controlling the sun and moon would either terrify me or immediately be drawn into question, but after everything I'd seen in the last hour, I was honestly just going with the flow.

"... just repeat to yourself, its just a show, I should really just relax..."

Cheesy as its sounds, those show lyrics really helped, sort of. Diamond didn't seem to get it.

"... What?"

"Oh well its a show from back home, It's about a guy, well actually two guys, and some robots, who are puppets and..."

"Never mind! Celestia forget I asked! Look just go see the princess, she's in the big gem castle in town."

Diamond turned to her side, most likely fatigued. I wondered why I wasn't tired.

'Right, time to see the princess' One problem though, I couldn't move. Looking over at Diamond I noticed she'd drifted off, she may have an attitude, but she's still a kid.

Then she started snoring.

Desperately I tried to move my body, but nothing worked, It was like my whole body had... fallen asleep.

Looking back at Diamond, a lone thought entered my mind.

'Why do I have the feeling your gonna cause me a world of trouble?'

'...'

'Whelp, only seven more hours before I get some kinda answer'

A loud snore filled the room.

"Oh this is gonna be a long night..."