Diamond Hearts

All caught up so far? Excellent.

I'll admit, it had been a difficult night sleep if nothing else. Usually I dream of free-running or swimming in jello or lounging on the beach with a nice guy... And jello. Instead, that night I'd dreamt of having a pretty expository conversation with the dragon/ animal equivalent of an exotic fruit-hat. I was told that I'd been essentially kidnapped because I'd done something to besmirch the name of friendship, or some garbage like that. And now had a small, surprisingly adorable filly for a... I suppose roommate would be the best description, at least until a few days later. But heck, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Xxx

"Miss Tiara, rise and shine. Breakfast will be ready in one hour."

A muffled voice woke me up that morning, feeling oddly alert I opened my eyes only to find myself on the floor. Like a lot of mornings this didn't come as much surprise to me. Being in college I was used to this sort of thing. Standing up, using the end bed post I was sleeping near as a brace, I pulled myself up and stretched my spine back into shape. Only when I ran a hand through my lovely white hair did I realize something was amiss.

For starters, the room wasn't mine, which wasn't a complete surprise. I've woken up in other students rooms before, preferably in a hot guys bed, or if I'd gotten super fantastically smashed the previous night, under a girls bed. What really irked me about the room I found myself in this morning though was, among other things, the decor. The whole place was painted a foreboding layer of pink. Little girl pink. Pink, like the color of a happy fathers face as he walks in to see his daughter, only to find an early twenties college student standing at the end of her bed and about to lose the feeling in ninety percent of his body. Believe me, If the knot in my stomach was any indication, I was in for a world of trouble.

A small yawn from my left sent a shiver up my spine, I had no time to react, I knew I'd been spotted. The young sounding gasp I heard after may as well have been my death bell; any second now this kid, who's room I must have stumbled into last night, would scream, her parents would break in, beat the crap outta me, and then I'd be taken to jail for acts of assumed pedophilia. It wouldn't be true, but who would the cops believe in this situation.

I waited, I really expected a scream or at least something to be hurled at my head.

Actually something was... Except it went straight through and hit the opposing wall.

A relieved 'Phew' from the supposed kid finally got my attention.

I never thought I'd say this, but I was actually more relieved to see the colourful little filly instead of a human kid. Why? Because with her came all the memories of last night and my psychedelic meet and greet with a chaos god. Looking back, it's surprising how comforting those memories were, especially when compared to the situation I could have been in.

"Phew, so your actually real. I knew I wasn't crazy! Lousy dragon monster, messing with my dreams. I should write a letter to Princess Luna, that'd show him and I'd give her a piece of my mind, maybe tell her to do her job properly."

I would have questioned her somewhat upbeat attitude toward seeing me, but honestly, I was so happy I wasn't in trouble, I didn't care.

"Morning... Diamond, right?"

"Yeah, Diamond Tiara. Heir to the 'Rich family fortune' and all around best pony"

She said that last part with a flick of her mane. I wasn't sure if she was being sassy or smug, but the fact that it was coming from this worlds equivalent of a child really threw me through a loop. She spoke with such confidence, like she truly believed herself to be the best. I would question her upbringing, but I wouldn't meet her dad for another few days.

"Ummm, pleased to meet you. I'm... Not sure who I am."

Little Diamond gave me a puzzled expression before looking me over, she looked at me similar to a child looking at a pet at the store. It was kind-of unnerving.

"You can't remember your own name, wow, gotta say that's pretty pathetic."

Diamond, as I would later discover, had a bit of a mean streak.

"Why you rotten little..."

"Well, I guess I'll have to give you a name then. If I'm gonna be stuck with you for a few days, you'll need a name. Hmmm... What's your Cutie Mark?"

Well that was a weird idea for a name.

"That's a terrible name."

Gimme a break, I hadn't been there for so much as a full day yet. The deadpan expression on Little Diamond's face should have tipped me off that somewhere, I'd goofed up.

"No, I mean 'What is your Cutie Mark?' You dolt. You know, your super special talent. The thing that defines who you are. Your destiny! Come on, move your pants and lets see it."

I was at a loss for words. Did this filly seriously just ask me to do what I think she just did? Aaaannnndddd, we're back to unintentional pedophilia again.

"I... Uhhh, I'm sorry, what?"

"Show me your Cutie Mark! Cutie... Mark... Am I speaking 'Japoniese' or something?"

"What the heck's a Cutie Mark?"

Diamond Tiara was shocked, bamboozled and flabbergasted all at once. From what I could tell, in her mind, I'd just committed some horrendous vocal atrocity. I'd actually said something she could not comprehend.

"What's a Cutie Mark? What Is A Cutie Mark! This is a Cutie Mark!"

Diamond then proceeded to jump to the end her bed and point to her... Flank, I guess. Specifically, her Tiara tattoo.

"You mean that crown tattoo on your butt?"

Was I mocking her? A little. Apparently she didn't find it very funny either.

"No, first it's not a crown, it's a Diamond Tiara and second, it represents my abilities for leadership and success."

Leadership and Success, oddly enough I could definitely see Diamond Tiara laughing maniacally and towering over a spinning globe.

"And it just so happens to also be your name? And on your butt. Were you born with it?"

"No, no ponies are born with a Cutie Mark, you get it when you find your one true talent"

Logic really does take a back seat in this magical world. So many contradictions, so little time.

"If you found your talent yourself, and it's of your name. Doesn't that strike you as... Really coincidental?!!"

But Little Diamond just shrugged.

"Hmmm, nope, not really... My daddy says the name just came to him when I was born."

I decided not to press this any further for now. In all likelihood I'd just end up all the more confused anyway.

"Listen Cutie, I don't need some colorful stamp on my ass to tell me what I'm gonna be, let alone one that Ponies are gonna ask to see."

"What's the big deal, normal Ponies show off their marks all the time."

She was completely serious. I couldn't believe I was going to have to explain this, to a kid no less.

"Honey, I am not gonna drop my pants for anyone who wants to know my passion in life, let alone a little girl, that's like twenty kinds of wrong."

"Well then why wear pants in the first place."

Apparently my deadpan expression was lost on the little filly. And with that little slice of awkward, I was out. This conversation was going to a bad place.

"... You know what, forget I said anything. If you must know, Humans don't have... (Groan) Cutie Marks."

Who ever came up with the name 'Cutie Marks' was a complete feather brain... No offence.

"What! No Cutie Marks! But how do you know what your good at? What it is that your supposed to do in life?"

I had to hand it to myself, this was a real achievement for me. I'd actually stunned 'her' with facts from 'my' world. All I could do was shrug.

"Honestly, some humans never do. I guess we try to do what we enjoy. Though usually most don't get to do that for a job. In fact most humans 'special talents' are pretty much, a hobby at best."

The pride in stunning this filly was gone now. I was surprised, Little Diamond looked genuinely sad. Like when one of those ads came on TV for starving children in third world countries.

"... How can you live like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Who could live their life without knowing their special talent? If you couldn't enjoy it all the time? Why would you get a job that's nothing to do with your talent?"

I rubbed the back of my neck uneasily. Yeah I know, how was that possible, I'll get to that in a moment.

"(Sigh) Well, most humans try. But sometimes their talent, isn't exactly an easy thing to pursue a career in. And people do need money, to well... Live. So we make do with what we can get and hope someday to make our dreams and goals for the future come true. But a lot of the time, they don't."

"... That's a sad way to live"

I really did feel bad for the kid. Heck, I was making myself feel bad. I guess after hearing how simple society sounded in this world, did it really dawn on me how harsh my own world really is by comparison.

" Uhhh, listen, how about we change the subject?"

"No Cutie Marks"

Now she was whispering to herself. Not one day there and I'd already broken a ponies spirit.

"Uhhh, yeah. Soooo... You got school today?"

This seemed to snap Little Dia out of it, as she looked over at her bedside clock.

"Look, I have to get ready for school, why don't you just float there and..."

I think she realised it about the same time as me. I was standing on the floor and leaning, instead of floating around like a thanksgiving balloon.

"How are you standing?"

Frankly, I had no idea. Especially since the very next second my hand, as well as the rest of me, went straight through the bed and the floor. Straight into the dining room below.

Xxx

I knew from the look of Little Diamond's room that she was probably a very well to do kid. But I had no idea until I saw more of the place. The dining room I... (cough) found myself in, was truly grand in size. From the red drapes to the gold trimmings here and there. Not to mention the polished kitchen wear dotted along the table. Which from the looks of it could seat at least thirty people... Ponies.

The room even had a chandelier. Now that was classy.

Of course it was kinda hard to appreciate all this when I was falling, rather quickly towards the floor.

I thought for sure I would collide with, or go straight through the table. However, right when my head was about to make contact. I felt a sort of... I guess the best phrase would be, elastic-y feeling inside. Like when a bungie jumper reaches the end of their cord and they snap right back into the air.

Inside I felt an invisible bungie cord snap me back in the direction I came. I'm not ashamed to admit, I screamed for dear life as it was flung back through the ceiling, knocking into something pink and surprisingly warm. The whole world spun around me before myself and the warm fluffy pink think landed back on top of the bed.

Shaking my head, trying to get my eyes to focus, it was clear immediately that I was back in Diamond's room. On her bed... And apparently on her, as I heard the muffled yelling under my chest. Quickly shifting to my side, Little Diamond shot up gasping for air. I offered her the most apologetic face I could as she glared my way, it really was an accident.

"(Gasp) W-what was... that?!!"

"I don't know. One minute I'm about to crash through your, rather lovely, dining room and the next think I know I get snapped back like a rubber band. I guess Discord wasn't lying. I get too far away from you and well... This is gonna happen."

Diamond Tiara seemed to recall this herself as she slowly nodded, in spite of the frown she refused to drop. I assumed Discord had told her essentially the same thing he'd told me, give or take a few minor details.

"So... Now what?"

"Looks like you and me are going to school"

I put on my best confident grin. She did not look amused.

"Excuse me! Nonononono..."

You had to admire the filly, she certainly had a set of lungs on her.

"You got a better idea?"

"There is no way I'm going to school with you!"

Gotta say, even though the filly was louder than a rusty tumble dryer, seeing her cross her hooves and pout is still adorable.

"Sorry little dee, but you and me are stuck together. Like waffles and syrup, like bees and honey, like..."

"... Like stupid on you."

'Ohhh, she's quick, I like that.' I had to admit, I could see this filly grinding on others nerves very quickly. But then again who was I to judge, she wasn't my responsibility, she could do or say what she wanted and I wouldn't care.

"Okay look, Here's the facts... One, your nanny or maid or whatever whats you to go to school. Two, I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed on you pulling a sick day. And three, you and me have to learn something about... Something. Sooner we do that, sooner everything goes back to normal."

"... Nononono... (Groan) fine"

"Wow that was easy" 'Nailed it'

"Shut up! Come on I need my breakfast."

I couldn't help but smirk as she jumped off the bed and out the door in a huff. About five seconds past before I felt myself being pulled like a stubborn dog on a leash. I passed through the wall behind me and was pulled towards Diamond, the hallway we were in had this one railing  that looked out on the foyer below. From what I could see there were at least a dozen different 'Victorian' looking ponies busying themselves about the place.

I saw Diamond up ahead, for whatever reason she'd stopped to watch the ponies working below.

Performing my best mid-air breaststroke, I 'eventually' floated over to her side.

"Hey Diamond, I think I figured it out. If I concentrate I can float whichever way I want."

It would have been more of an achievement if I didn't stumble and roll in midair instead of stopping.

"Hmmm, yeah great... Whatever"

Well that was rude. I mean yeah it's not like I learned to walk or anything, but at least a 'Well Done' would have been appreciated.

"Hey Sourpuss... I can kinda sorta fly now. Where I come from that's kind of a big deal."

The little filly didn't respond.

Maybe it was my undeveloped fatherly instincts kicking in, or maybe it was my idea of how a good dad should behave. But looking over at Diamond's downtrodden expression, I could tell something needed to be said.

I floated over and sat by her side. I didn't pass through the floor, so that was a good first step.

"Hey... So, enjoying the view?"

"Uggghhh, just leave me alone!"

Little Dia turned away, still staring at the Ponies below, or rather beyond them to the front doors. I sighed internally, I've never been good at reading people... good thing for me Ponies wear their emotions like clothing.

"(Sigh) Okay hun... What's the matter? And don't try and pretend everything's fine, I'm gonna be with you all day every day for the foreseeable future, so why start lying now, right... Oh wait, is it me? Cause if it is, I'm not really sure what I can do about that..."

"Its not you..."

"I mean I guess I could hang back, not say anything..."

"Its not you, stupid..."

"... Just let you drag me around, at least I'd be outta your way..."

"Will you shut up! Its not you okay, its... (groan) never mind."

Well at least it wasn't me, selfish I know but... nope, that was just selfish. Reassuringly I ran my fingers through her mane; apparently I could interact with Diamond at least, which was better than nothing I suppose, and especially helpful then and there.

"Come on Dia, whats that matter?"

"He went to work and didn't say goodbye... again."

'Ouch' I knew that feeling, my father didn't pay attention to me either. Although in my case he wasn't to busy, he just didn't like me.

"Does he do that allot?"

"(Sigh) Yep..."

Poor kid, I felt bad for her, I really did but what was I supposed to do? I didn't know the full story. Maybe her Dad had an erratic work schedule, or maybe her Mom was one of those withdrawn alcoholics you hear about in the obituaries. I could go on for hours about just how complicated and/or messed up parents and their lives could be, but Diamond needed me now. I moved to pet her mane...

A pity I wussed out at the last second. I knew I should say something, or do anything. But parenting had always been a touchy subject with me. If it wasn't explicitly obvious by this point, my parents were bucking horrible. And really, if I'd hear anyone complain about their folks to me, no matter the circumstances my answer would always be the same, Run! 'Run away, your better off without them'. What can I say, I was biased when it came to bad parents. Or rather parents in general.

"Wait, so your Dad just leaves you here? With the help?"

Little Dia nodded in response. I wanted to say something reassuring but the little devil on my shoulder had other ideas.

"So, they have to do whatever you say, right?"

Looking puzzled Dia nodded again. My Cheshire cat grin grew across my face, Oh yes, I could definitely have fun with this. With great haste I whispered my idea into her ear.

"...That could be fun, at least for a moment."

"Trust me Dia, it'll be hilarious, Just say what I say..."

I chuckled in anticipation as Diamond stuck her head through the railing, coughing loudly to gain the staff ponies attention. As Diamond took a deep breath, I knew this was gonna be good.

"...KNNNEEEEEEELLLLLL..."

If I hadn't been floating behind the filly at the time I guarantee I would have literally been blown away. The reaction on the staff ponies was priceless. A passing chef pony leapt into the air, sending a pitcher of milk he'd been carrying, flying across the room and all over an unsuspecting maid. A maid cleaning one of the windows slipped for the step stool she'd been perched on, landing haphazardly on top of an elderly looking butler pony. And the bucket of water that he'd been carrying on his back spilled, covering the floor and sending several unfortunate staff members to their haunches, an unexpected bonus.

Naturally Little Diamond and I laughed up a storm. I'd hoped for at least a startled shriek or somepony jumping out of their skin, but this... this was a million times better.

Little Dia wiped a tear from her eye as she turned to me. "(Giggle) Did I do good or did I do good?"

I ruffled Little Dia's mane; Had I been thinking I would have questioned how it was I did that, but then and there I was to proud to care.

"You did great hun, Loki would be proud, now just say what I say..."

The working ponies all looked up at Diamond with expressions weaving from worry to thinly veiled anger as the little filly cleared her throat.

"There now, is not this simple, is this not your natural state... you were made to be ruled."

'Ha, this is priceless. Okay time to bring it on home.'

"From now on you shall refer to me as 'Princess Diamond' ruler of the nine realms,"

I had to pat Diamond on the head, if nothing else the little filly certainly had a flare for drama, I wouldn't be surprised if she took up acting in the future.

"And you will refer to my invisible monkey friend here as Loki, King of the Apes."

'Wait what?!"

From the look of things, the staff ponies seemed equally surprised. Some were looking around like they didn't know what to do, whilst others exchanged glances, each wondering whether or not they should be concerned. All of this trepidation was brought to a swift end however when a familiar face made her way through the crowd of smartly dressed ponies, aside from the one maid coated in milk, who I would from then on refer to as 'Milky'.

The pony I remember as 'Silver Platter' trotted to the front of the group and smiled up at Diamond and myself.

"All Hail Princess Diamond and King Loki."

Silver Platter dropped to her fore-hooves in a mock bow. A knowing look spread amongst the staff as each shot a smirk at one another and bowed to the new little Princess in turn.

"Hey Diamond, why'd you have to call me Loki? I didn't tell you to say that."

"Because; One, I don't wanna look crazy if I talk to you. Two, I thought the name sounded cool. And three, you can't talk so its really my choice... nya-nya."

Really she could have said that last part without sticking her tongue out at me. Kids today are so rude, regardless of species. Silver Platter trotted up the stairs, lowering herself to meet Diamond eye to eye.

"Come on Princess, why don't we get you and the monkey king something to eat."

I shot Diamond a look of contempt as she giggled at my expense. It was then and there that I knew, until I found my way home, I would forever be  known as Loki, monkey king.

'Oh well, at least its better than Keith.'

xxx