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                      Diamond Hearts                       
                    -by LucasGreenX23-                     
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                   Something Strange...                    
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Something Strange...
Diamond Tiara had always considered herself a filly of simple tastes; always taking pleasure in the simple things in life, such as high priced imported cuisine from all across Equestria or freshly purchased flowers from the market in town…
...Or, as was the case today, watching a frantic orange pegasus struggle to free herself from a glue covered chair.
The reaction from the rest of the class was immediate, the walls of the school house echoed both cries of distress and, more noticeably, laughter as the filly rocked her seat back and forth in a vain attempt to escape from her wooden captor. All her rocking achieved was causing her to lose her balance and fall onto her side, effectively clearing her desk of clutter in the process.
If Diamond’s smile were any bigger it would rival that of a certain ‘Pink Party Pony’ but that of course was a well known impossibility, still though Diamond Tiara had to hold back at least a little on the laughter; she was already on thin ice with Miss Cheerilee after a horrible misunderstanding the previous week involving her coffee and the class gerbil, she’d tried to explain how it was the ‘Blank Flanks’ fault and that they’d planted the coffee cup in her desk, but no, teacher was just unreasonable that way. Besides it’s not like the gerbil was hurt or anything… it just didn’t stop running for a few hours, so no big deal.
Of course Cheerilee would blame her, that was always the case, the ‘oh so perfect’ Blank Flanks or Cutie Mark Crusaders could do no wrong; But not this time, this time Diamond had a plan. The evidence was safely stored inside Snails lunch box awaiting future consumption and any possible witnesses had be distracted by the ‘accidental’ release of a caffeine addicted gerbil, good ol’ Silver Spoon could be so ‘clumsy’ sometimes.
The half pegasus half chair formally known as Scootaloo, now sporting a bright red glow on her cheeks and an overturned wooden seat on her backside, leapt to her hooves and vigorously shook her rear as if someone had started playing a really fast polka.
Diamond Tiara was going to explode, the dam inside holding back the laughter threatened to collapse under the pressure.
Scootaloo balanced between her forehooves and the chair and placed her back hooves on the chair, truly a flawless plan, except for the part where her back hooves became stuck on the seat so she looked like an overturned statue.
That was Diamond’s breaking point; Dam broken.
Fortunately or unfortunately depending on perspective, Miss Cheerilee cut the laughter with the high pitched screech of hoof on blackboard. The silence was instantaneous, each student sitting up straight, hooves crossed.
Cheerilee look down at Scootaloo with sympathy, leaning down to help pull her up. Once Scootaloo was once again seated upright, albeit rather awkwardly, Cheerilee’s sympathetic gaze turned to one of strict neutrality much like one of Princess Celestia’s guards.
“Students, I will not tolerate any pony laughing at the misfortunes of a fellow student, I would expect more from each of you than this,” said Cheerilee, turning her attention back to Scootaloo.
“Scootaloo, I’ll help you remove your stool in a moment…”
If Diamond Tiara hadn’t been biting her tongue at the time, she would have given herself away then and there, because there was no way a smart mare like Cheerilee would miss an innuendo that obvious; clearly Miss Cheerilee had realised this because her face swiftly turned beet red, although this seemed to go over the heads of the others.
“(Cough) Ahem.. At any rate, Scootaloo, how exactly did this happen?”
“Somepony put glue on my chair Miss Cheerilee… probably Diamond Tiara” said Scootaloo, throwing Diamond a dirty look. Diamond pushed aside her desperate need to burst out laughing, replacing it with a look of shock and outrage.
“Wah? Me? Never!” Diamond turned her nose up at Scootaloo in indignation
Diamond looked to Cheerilee for support, instead she was met with a harsh scowl… typical Cheerilee.
“Diamond Tiara, you were laughing rather hard just now, did you have anything to do with this?”
“Hey! I wasn’t laughing any harder than anypony else here” Diamond mentally patted herself on the back, her acting skills were getting better by the day.
Cheerilee didn’t look convinced, “Scootaloo, did you see Diamond Tiara put glue on your… (ahem) chair?”
“Uhh, well… not exactly” said Scootaloo trying to scrape off some of the glue near her tail.
Cheerilee rubbed her chin in thought, “Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, would you both kindly take Scootaloo to the hose outside and help her clean up,”
As Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle carried their friend out door, Cheerilee turned her attention back to Diamond “Diamond Tiara, I want to see you after class,”
“W-What? Why? I’m innocent, You can’t prove I did anything?”
“Call it teachers intuition”
Diamond Tiara chose not to respond; Cheerilee had no proof and she still singled her out… if it weren't for the fact that teacher was right, Diamond would have given her a piece of her mind… eventually… maybe… after telling her dad.
It’s not like the orange chicken didn’t deserve it; Just the other day during lunch, the no-talent trio switched her cherryade with a glass of ketchup, a mouth full of which ended up all over Silver Spoon a few seconds later. It was an outright attack on her person, a well crafted scheme which (of course) went completely unnoticed by Miss Cheerilee, on account of the evidence disappearing into thin air.
Diamond knew it was them who’d done the deed, she’d heard them whispering about something at the start of lunch, the orange one occasionally snickering and looking in her direction. Diamond had to give the chicken credit though, she’d moved quick, because not two seconds after spying the Blank Flanks grinning at her, she’d taken a sip of the vile goop.
Then again the Blank Flanks were always doing weird stuff like that; whether they were launching themselves from catapults, running off into the Everfree Forest on a whim or on the day in question when she’d spied the trio, oddly enough, talking to a green and orange butterfly. Maybe that was just what happened when a pony when so long without a cutie mark, it drove them insane… still it didn’t matter to her, if the Blank Flanks ever snapped and came after her she’d just throw one of her servants at them and head for the hills.
The rest of class continued on as normal despite an obvious lack of chicken. Apparently she’d had to go home for, as Miss Cheerilee put it, ‘personally reasons’ which Diamond assumed ment ‘She’s going home to get the glue shaved off her rear’, Oh how Diamond prayed that that’s what teacher ment; and of course the two remainders of the Blank Flank trio spent the rest of class time glaring daggers at her, but by the end they left for the day along with everypony else.
Looking over at Miss Cheerilee, Diamond was once again subject to the teachers accusing eyes, those two shimmering green orbs prying deep into her soul, but she wouldn’t crack, if she could sweet talk her way out of the Gabby Gums fiasco (relatively) unscathed, then she’d get out of this no problem. Cheerilee beckoned Diamond over to her desk, tapping a seat next to it and motioning for her to sit, which she did, so far so good.
“Now Diamond, be honest with me here… Was it you who poured glue on Scootaloo’s seat?,” Oh, Cheerilee’s acting was good alright, her obvious hatred for Diamond was well hidden behind that, clearly fake, look of concern.
“... and please, lets not beat around the bush here, you and your friend Silver Spoon never get along with Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo… it was Silver Spoon who dropped the gerbil and I didn’t see you trying to catch it” Ok, so Cheerilee was really good, but Diamond wasn’t phased, she’d done this dance many times before, all it took was a straight face...
“Miss Cheerilee I don’t like vermin any more than the next filly, they’re small and furry and make creepy noises, while everypony else was running around like mad ponies, I was on my desk trying to fend it off, besides it could have been anypony in class, like Twist, Apple Bloom stopped hanging out with her after she met her new friends, or Snails, you know how he gets with glue” … and scene.
Cheerilee was momentarily taken aback, it was true in retrospect that she hadn’t really considered the other students motivations, when it came to the self titled ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’, Diamond Tiara was the usual suspect. However thinking back now, Apple Bloom was rarely seen with Twist anymore and of course Snails did have a bad history with glue; in fact at lunch that day she’d narrowly saved Snails from eating a tube of the stuff, Celestia knows where he got it from?!!
“While that may be true Diamond, you do have a history of marked aggression against the three… Honestly Diamond Tiara, is there something going on that I should know about? Something that's happening outside school or at home,” Now that was not something Diamond had expected to hear.
“I mean in all my years of teaching, I’ve never seen one student get into so much trouble with other students, most of which seem almost unprovoked… I’ve had your father in here on numerous occasions, but he can’t seem to explain this behaviour” Diamond turned her head away, she didn’t like where this conversation was going; on the window at the end of the class she spotted that same green and orange butterfly the Blank Flanks had been talking to that morning… she really wanted to squash it right now.
“Diamond…” Diamond Tiara shook her head turned back to Cheerilee, a look of sadness clear in the teachers eyes, though Diamond didn’t buy it, the teacher was just trying to trick her, get her to spill the beans, yeah that had to be it.
“You're a smart filly, when you put your mind to a task you get results and when I put you in a group you always take charge and finish on time; so to see such a smart girl acting out like this… well…” Cheerilee placed a hoof on Diamonds back.
“(sigh)... you know you can come talk to me about anything right? That's what I’m here for after all”
Diamond had had enough, she didn’t want to hear anymore of miss teachers wisdom.
“Am I in trouble? Or can I go home now?”
Cheerilee sighed and motioned to the door, “Well, I can’t give you detention without proof, despite what my gut instinct is telling me, you can go… but remember Diamond, if any things bothering you, you can always talk to…” but Cheerilee was talking to thin air at this point “...Me…”
The second Miss Cheerilee said she was free to go Diamond Tiara was up and outta there, galloping as fast as her young legs would carry her she raced to meet up with her friend a short ways down the road; Because the school was on the outskirts of town it took a good twenty minutes to walk there from home, the bright side to this was Diamond would always meet Silver Spoon halfway there by a strangely out of place apple tree. A good place to meet and grab a bite to eat, although she’d never admit that with Apple Bloom around.
Ah Silver Spoon, good, loyal, dependable Silver Spoon, Diamond couldn’t have asked for a better friend, somepony who understood her instead of talking bad about her, or ignoring her, or not inviting her to parties; No, Silver Spoon was as good as they come.
Diamond spied Silver Spoon leaning against the tree on the side of the dirt road, a small smile appearing on her face as she waved her over.
“...”
“...”
“... Stool”
The timing was perfect, the two fillies fell on their backs laughing hysterically, their legs flailing in the air like tortoises on their backs.
“(Giggle) C-Can you believe Miss Cheerilee actually said that” Diamond giggled wiping a tear from her eye, “... and did you see the chicken when she left, I’m telling you Silver she’ll be mostly shaven come tomorrow”
Silver Spoon helped Diamond back onto her hooves before wiping a stray tear from the rim of her glasses, “It was pretty funny, but don’t you think we were a little mean?”
Diamond shook her head and tutted, sweet, innocent Silver Spoon, “Tut-tut Silver, of course not, we were just getting back at them for that ketchup prank they pulled on me the other day”
“But wasn’t that because we taped that ‘NO TALENT’ sign on Apple Bloom?”
Since when did Silver Spoon call Apple Bloom by her actual name?
“Well yeah, but that was because they covered my Tiara in glue and purple glitter”
“But wasn’t that because you called Sweetie Belle’s sister a leech?”
Again with the names? What was going on Silver Spoon? This wasn’t like her.
“Well yeah, but thats just because she is… always walking around, shaking her flanks so everypony will pay attention to her and her tacky little store”
If Diamond didn’t know better she would have sworn Silver Spoon’s eyes just changed colors.
“ahehehe… you know Rarity actually works pretty hard on her store, I don’t think a little attention is undeserved”
Now Diamond was confused, was her friend actually defending one of the Blank Flanks sisters? Not to mention, something about her voice sounded different.
“Silver are you ok? You don’t sound like yourself and… were your eyes always that color?” from where Diamond Tiara was standing it almost looked like Silver had one green eye and one orange eye.
“Oh, hehehe, yeah i’m fine its probably just the long school day and these new glasses… but tell me... what do you think of Rainbow Dash?”
Lingering doubts forgotten for now Diamond tried to recall the last time she’d even seen the Rainbow maned pegasus, “Honestly, I don’t like her, she’s always flying around saying she’s the best thing to happen to Ponyville since zap apple jam…”
“Well she may be a little full of herself, but she…”
“ A LITTLE?!! What about the time Rainbow Trash and her friends chased that travelling performer out of town, because she was getting more attention than her?”
“Uhhh… yeah, forgot about that, but…” Diamond was on a roll now and wasn’t about to let herself get interrupted, if there was one thing she loved it was making her opinions heard.
“Or the time her and her lame friends pretended to be Mare-Do-Well and caused all those disasters around town”
“OK time out! They didn’t cause... all those bad things to happen”
“Oh come on Silver, are those new glasses too tight or something? How else do you explain all those bad things happening in just a few days and then stopping when they quit playing pretend?”
Silver Spoon rubbed her temples with her fore hooves; Diamond was getting weirded out now, why was Silver so fixated on the Blank Flanks loser sisters and their friends?
“Forget about Rainbow Dash, what about Applejack?”
“Uhhh… Silver why do you care?”
This seemed to snap Silver Spoon back to her senses, shaking her head she smiled back reassuringly.
“Oh, no reason, just making conversation”
She was so matter of fact about it that Diamond didn’t know what to think.
“Um, ok, well frankly, I say her name should be changed to Apple Jerk… she thinks she’s so great because she sticks to the old ways, the... traditional… way of doing things; did you know that her whole family is just Earth ponies, no unicorns or pegasi… I’m just saying its a little suspicious, maybe the whole family's forbidden to date outside our kind”
“Oh there is no way her family is rac…”
“Think about it, it is pretty suspicious…”
Silver Spoon kept her cheery, borderline creepy looking grin, but Diamond could tell, having pulled that same face several times herself, underneath she was grinding her teeth. What could Silver have to be mad about? She asked for Diamond’s opinion, which she already knew, what was she hoping to gain?
Diamond was sufficiently disturbed, choosing now as a good time to walk back home, naturally and unfortunately for the moment, Silver Spoon followed.
“What about Pinkie Pie, you must like Pinkie, everypony likes Pinkie”
Diamond started trotting a little faster than she normally would, but Silver was more than capable of keeping the pace.
“Uhh, she’s ok I guess, she’s kind of annoying sometimes, way too obsessive over silly little promises” Diamond had no idea what was going on, one minute she was laughing with her best friend and now she was running from mad pony, just her luck she didn’t have any servants to throw.
“UHUH and what about Princess Twilight” Diamond looked back and her eyes nearly burst out of their sockets, right behind her, Silver Spoon was running… no… chasing after her, whilst running... on her back hooves only.
“What in the name of Equestria…”
“Answer the question Diamond” If Diamond Tiara was ever sure of anything, it was that this was not Silver Spoon, it was a Changeling, it had to be, come to drag her away to feed in its gross slimy hive.
“Y-You're not Silver Spoon and I don’t taste good, if you want good emotions go eat Princess Twilight, she’s just some stuffy old lady in a young ponies body” Diamond barely had time to react as the monster posing as her friend leapt clear over her head and landed in front of her; behind the demented looking Silver Spoon impersonator, was Ponyville, from here she could see ponies walking and chatting with one another… so near yet so far.
“Last question” Not-Silver Spoons voice suddenly changed from Silver’s usual light girly voice to an oddly charismatic guy voice.
“W-What do I think of F-Fluttershy?” Diamond trembled as she asked, wondering if there was any answer she could give that wouldn’t get herself eaten.
“Ohhh, very good, you catch on quick; Seven point Five for effort little filly… now what’s your answer and don’t forget, be honest…” Diamond had no idea where Not-Silver had pulled that (7.5) number card from, but then again she was trying not to get eaten so she’d worry about that later… hopefully.
“Ummm, She’s… Great, best pony around, nopony’s better than Fluttershy” Diamond pulled out all the stops and put on her best, most sappy innocent grin she could muster. Unfortunately for her, Not-Silver Spoon just shook her rapidly growing head in shame.
“(Sigh) You're Lying”
In a flash of light, Not-Silver Spoon vanished from sight, replaced instead by, what could only be described as, an anomaly, wrapped around an enigma, mixed with a whosit and topped with a fresh drop of crazy.
“H-Hey I remember you, you're that crazy looking statue that tried to take over the town… twice” Diamond fearfully looked up at the odd assortment of different creature parts that made up the thing that she was now talking to.
“Ohhh, goodie, you remembered… that’ll save time and back story”
“What?” Diamond was lost, now she wasn’t sure whether to be scared or not, was thing going to eat her or just ask questions about stupid towns-ponies.
“Oh nothing dear, now then, you may know me as Discord…” Cheering and applause sounded all around the pair, although who was cheering was a mystery, “Oh thank you, mwah mwah, oh you're too kind” Discord blew kisses too… actually it wasn’t clear who or what; whomever was cheering maybe? the cheering which ended as suddenly as it had started.
“You see little filly, I have recently been accepted into an extremely exclusive club… one in which directionless someponies, such as yours truly, are permitted to freely express themselves without fear of being judged…”
A small red and gold cape appeared around the chaos gods neck, Diamond knew she’d seen it or one like it before but she couldn’t quite remember where.
“... An ideal which has time and time again been broken by one inconsiderate little pest who just doesn’t know when to quit”
Diamond had no idea what was going on; what did this stupid statue want, why was it pretending to be Silver Spoon and what did any of this have to do with Diamond in the first place? “What did you do with my friend? Tell me!” Diamond didn’t know where this sudden boost of confidence was coming from but she wasn’t about to let it slip, not while this abomination of… life… was possibly holding her friend hostage for whatever reason.
“Oh, she’s fine... I told her to go home and that I’d see her tomorrow… I wanted to make sure we weren't interrupted during our little heart to heart”
Diamond could hardly believe her eyes, right in front of her, this ‘Discord’ character had transformed into… herself… and back again.
How did she know barely anything about this guy? He should be the talk of Equestria, why hadn’t the princess had this thing thrown in jail? or sent to the moon? or turned into a decorative lamp? This thing was clearly missing a few screws and was far too powerful. Even Celestia couldn’t cast transfiguration magic on herself.
“To put things simply, Miss Tiara, I am a proud member of… ‘The Cutie Mark Crusaders’ … cause, you know, I’ve plenty of parts, but none of them have marks...”
‘Oh Crap!’
“... and needless to say, some of us, by which I mean all of us club members, don’t appreciate the way you’ve been treating our brethren… now normally I’d do something like; Turn you into a pig and release your of Applejack's farm, or maybe turn you into a balloon and watch you float away, or make it so you can only tell the truth for the rest of your days…”
Diamond was sweating bullets, this thing was a friend of the Blank Flanks, heck he was in their stupid club… and he could defy reality without lifting a hoof, claw, paw… whatever.
“But then of course, I remembered that it wouldn’t be fair or very lady-like of me to try that, especially after I promised Twilight I’d… tone it down… as she put it… so instead I settled on a few simple pranks here and there, but of course, you just couldn’t take the hint, you just had to keep coming back for more… Which brings us to right NOW!” The word ‘NOW’ appeared behind Discord in big glowing red and yellow letters.
“W-Well, what do you want with me? You want me to apologise, I’ll do it!” Diamond took a few shaky steps back, she found herself desperately missing the company of Miss Cheerilee right now.
“Oh as if you’d mean it… No! after our little chat just now, I believe I have all I need to make a sound judgement; needless to say I’ve something special in mind for you”
Discord flashed Diamond a toothy grin, raising his left… talon… a claw of which began to glow.
“Diamond Tiara, you’ll learn that all of Equestria does not revolve around you, that you can’t always be the centre of everyponies attention, that others matter besides you…
A lesson I’ve learned too many times to count…”
Discord wiped a crocodile tear from his eye, if Diamond weren't terrified out of her mind right now she’d swear he was being genuine.
“I’d tell you what to do next and what to expect… but, you know… spoilers and what not… Now Diamond Tiara, let the fun...”
Discord poofed behind Diamond and, before she could yell or flee, tapped his glowing claw to her forehead.
“... Begin”
Diamond flinched, looking over herself at a breakneck pace, she’d honestly expected to be turned into a freak like Discord or maybe a pig or… well, something horrible and/or ugly; but nothing, from what she could tell, she was exactly the same, same mane, same coat, same cutie mark, same pony.
“Oh and by the way…” Discord leaned down until he was mere inches from Diamonds muzzle
“BOO!”
Two fillies burst out of a bush behind Diamond and Discord screaming at the top of their lungs; Not that Diamond noticed, the second she heard the scream from behind her she was gone and out of sight, screaming as she floored it back to her home at speeds that would make even Rainbow Dash green with envy.
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Discord’s laughter rang out throughout the town; It had taken a lot of forethought on Discord’s part to put this revenge -prank to end all pranks- into action, but it had gone off with without a hitch.
“Boy howdy Mr Discord, that was a great plan, jumping out and spooking Diamond like that”
“Yeah, that’ll teach her to embarrass Scootaloo like that, did you see how fast she ran, I thought she was gonna wet herself she was so scared”
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle wiped the tears of laughter from their eyes, as did Discord, and the fun wasn’t over yet.
“Now that, My Little Ponies, is what I call a prank and if you thought that was good, now we get to sit back and watch the second phase of the plan begin”
Discord grinned to himself, absentmindedly twirling a moustache that he was suddenly sporting on his face.
Apple Bloom trotted up to Discord, a look of doubt momentarily dominating her usual expression of child like joy.
“Uhhh, Discord, not that Diamond didn’t deserve everythin’ she got before, but… you're not gonna scare her too bad are ya?”
Discord smiled and tapped Apple Bloom on the head with a friendly paw.
“Of course not dear Apple Bloom, why everything that happens next, to her or around her, will be entirely her own doing; but trust me, by the end of this, everyone will be much better off and a lot happier, they may even thank me”
“Umm, don’t you mean ‘everypony’?” Sweetie Belle asked, trotting beside her friend; Discord simply chuckled under his breath.
“Come my fellow Crusaders, one of our own is out of commision, we must go to her aid at once!”
“YEAH! Cutie Mark Crusader: Rescuers”
With their signature cheer, which usually meant something was about to be broken, the two fillies and one chaos god, charged towards town and to the home of their fallen comrade.
xxx
Diamond Tiara didn’t stop screaming until she reached the front gates to the walled off sanctuary she called home, not that she’d really ever called it a sanctuary before, but after what she’d just experienced, she knew she’d feel a lot safer behind a few locked doors and several loyal yet disposable servants.
Quickly locking the front gates behind her, she bolted for the front doors, viciously assaulting them with repeated blows from her front hooves.
“Quick, one of you servants, get off your flanks and open the door”
The doors opened revealing a light grey earth pony mare with a darker grey mane, the image of a silver serving tray adorned her back hip, as well as a white apron covering her front and a matching bonnet atop her head.
“Oh, Miss Tiara, my apologies, I was in the middle of sweeping the foyer, and well, your father called a home staff meeting in the dining room, so of course the door-pony wasn’t here, and I had to put the broom away because it wouldn’t look very tidy if I left it out, especially if it were some of your fathers business associates but…”
Diamond didn’t pay the panicky mare any mind as she charged it and slammed the doors behind her, leaping up as high as she could to lock the lowest lock she could reach. Diamond sighed and wiped the sweat from her brow, slumping back against the doors and breathing heavily.
“Oh my, Miss Tiara, are you alright?”
The grey mare, rushed over, placing a hoof on Diamonds forehead, which was swiftly batted away.
“I-it’s (gasp) fine… Platter… just make sure security keeps an eye out for anything weird, outside and inside”
“Please, feel free to call me Silver, everypony else does”
Silver Platter was the most recent edition to the mansion staff, as her father put it, ‘She’s young but she’s willing to learn’, Filthy Rich was like that though, always willing to give somepony new a chance; while not as nervous as Flutter-Wuss, she had a tendency to panic over little things, but Diamond just assumed she was a perfectionist. Silver spoke with a soft voice that carried an air of both kindness and positiveness, like a parent… not like her dad but a good parent.
But Diamond didn’t have time to dwell on that right now, there was a chaos god right behind her and she was desperate to secure her home.
“Yeah yeah, thats nice and all, but seriously… tell the other staff members to keep a look out, and if anything seems weird, anything at all, just remember… I need at least a ten minute head start”
To say Silver Platter was perplexed would be an understatement.
“... Miss Tiara, are you feeling unwell? If you’d like I could tell your father you…”
That got Diamond’s attention.
“NoNoNo, thats fine,” The last thing Diamond needed was her father getting swept up in this craziness.
“I’ll be fine, I’m just… uhh,” Diamond toyed with the idea of telling her maid the truth, that she’d successfully angered a chaos god that was in league with her bare flanked rivals… “Tired… its been a long day and I really need to lay down for a while”.
In all fairness, would the truth really have changed things up all that much in the grand scheme of things?
The answer is of course yes! But she was a silly filly so it was understandable.
Silver Platter rubbed the side of head in confusion, maybe it was her sisters intuition kicking in, but something was definitely bothering Filthy Rich’s daughter.
Somewhere, someplace, a pink party pony announced “Well Duh!” much to the surprise of the customer she had been serving.
“Diamond, I…” But Diamond Tiara was already half way up the stairs.
“Sigh, never mind” With that, Silver Platter returned to her busy work, hopefully the filly would be more open to talking once dinner had been served.
xxx
Diamond was not in a talking mood!
Diamond sat near her father at the end of their long dining table, her father sitting at the head, his gaze focused solely on a hoof full of papers. In front of him sat his dinner, ignored as per usual. The servants busied themselves about the manner, either cleaning or watching the doors. Her father had always been particularly security conscious, though why, Diamond didn’t know.
Much like every other evening, the few times he was actually home, Diamond ate, and her father worked. It never really changed; Diamond would try to spark a conversation whilst her dad worked at the table, he have a half hearted answer, usually a ‘Yes’, ‘No’ or ‘Oh Really’, and the cycle repeated until either she or her dad left.
But then again, who knew? maybe that evening would be different.
“Soooo Dad… The class gerbil got out today” Admittedly it wasn’t the most stimulating of conversation topics but in all fairness, her father wasn’t exactly giving her a lot to work with.
“Hmmm… Oh really” Her father wasn’t asking a question, heck, his eyes didn’t leave his paper work.
Diamond frowned, as per usual the cycle continued.
“The Cutie Mark Creeps have a pet monster now”
Almost as though somepony had tapped on her shoulder, Diamond eyes darted around the room, looking for anything polka dot or out of place.
“Hmmm… that’s nice” Again, completely stoic, nothing remotely resembling interest.
Diamond ground her teeth; it was exactly the same, he didn’t care, nothing changed.
“He pretended to be me and Silver and he asked a bunch of weird questions!”
“Really… why’s that?”
Diamond’s jaw dropped, had he actually listened?
“Well, I think it had something to do with those Blank Flanks, you know how they are, always trying some new weird thing, I’ll bet they're just trying to prank me, but…”
“Dear, if this boy likes you he’ll let you know, I’m sure him being weird is just because he’s nervous” Filthy Rich waved off the conversation absentmindedly with his hoof, before going back to stacking his papers.
Diamond’s frown returned ten fold… her dad hadn’t paid more than an iota of attention. She was about to storm out, before an idea struck her.
“Dad, can we go to SugarCube Corner tomorrow?” Diamond raised her voice this time, she knew her dad hated shouting, but if it got his attention for a change then she didn’t care.
Filthy rubbed his right ear. Begrudgingly he place his work on the table, his eyes firmly planted on his foal.
“(Sigh) Yes sweetheart, what is it?”
Diamond face-hoofed, sometimes she wondered why she even bothered.
“I SAID…”
“Volume dear”
“I said, Can we go to SugarCube Corner tomorrow?”
Filthy rubbed the back of his head, an uneasy look on his face, a look which Diamond was all too familiar with.
“Darling, as much as I’d like too, I have work tomorrow and a meeting with the new building contractors…”
As per usual Filthy went off on a tangent listing off his schedule for the rest of the week, if Diamond had one thing to say about him it was that he was very well organised, Celestia forbid he ever gets together with Twilight Snarkle; Diamond shuddered at the thought, the last thing she need was two parents who never have time for her, let alone her least favorite princess and, in Diamonds opinion, one of the most boring ponies in Ponyville.
“... so I guess you’ll have to make do with Silver Spoon” Filthy placed a small bag of bits around Diamond’s neck.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go over the construction budget and write a letter to the new store manager.”
Filthy Rich made to leave, only to find Diamond standing in his way.
“Dad, we never do anything anymore”
Filthy ruffled Diamonds head, placing his work on his back.
“Of course we do, we just spent the last hour together, now I really need to finish these”
Walking out the dining room doors, whilst Silver Platter walked in.
“But DAAAAAAAAD!”
“Silver, be a dear and sure Diamond gets washed and put to bed, within the hour please!”
And just like every evening, Diamond’s words were lost and forgotten amidst a wave of papers, ink and Bits.
“Of course Mr Rich” Silver bowed ever so slightly as her boss left before picking up a downcast looking Diamond and placing her on her back, making her way to the upstairs bathroom.
“So, I trust you and your father had a nice meal” Silver smiled back at Diamond, but got no answer in return.
The next hour was spent in relative silence, with Silver Platter cleaning her in the tub whilst offering a less than interesting recap of, what she considered, a funny story, something about a colt and crush they once shared, but Diamond wasn’t really listening.
It never changed, every day was the same sad routine. Diamond would try talking to her dad, he’d brush her questions, worries and issues off as nothing and nothing would be achieved. But that was when her father was actually home, some nights Diamond ate her meals in silence, looking around the dining room at all the empty chairs, hoping just once that somepony would come in and talk or at least show a little interest in her for a change.
How did it get to a point where she had to get in trouble just to get her Dad to pay attention to her, to take an interest in her… acknowledge her as a pony, instead of a possession. His daughter and not something to wheel out when guests came over.
But of course, why should have to take care of his daughter, when he could just toss her a bag of bits and get back to his precious job.
Diamond was more than certain that if her father were asked when his greatest creation in life was, he’d say his business.
As ludicrous as it would sound to some, Diamond would gladly trade her dad’s money and job away, if it meant he’d at least be there to tuck her in at night, help her with her homework… or say he loved her.
The timing of the shower was perfect, a tear falling down Diamonds cheek as Silver washed Diamond’s mane.
Silver Platter dried Diamond mane and coat, smiling as she did so. It was a pleasant change of pace when Diamond didn’t offer any form of protest, it made her feel like she was doing a good job. Who knew, perhaps the little filly was finally warming up to her.
Silently Diamond followed Silver to her room, where Silver placed Diamond in her bed as well as her tiara on the bedside counter before turning to leave.
“Goodnight Miss Tiara, sweet dreams” With that Silver Platter closed the door and left.
With a sad whimper Diamond curled up in a small, yet strangely adorable pink ball, occasionally sniffling as she wiped her face with one of her hooves, this had also become a nightly thing for her, more so as each day went on.
She wasn’t sure how long she’d stayed that way, if she’d hazard a guess she would have assumed about an hour maybe, the silence broken now and then by a passing servant or, as was the case at the moment, her father talking down the hall.
Diamond’s ear flickered as she climbed out of her covers and placed and ear against the wall at the head of her bed. From what she could make out, her father was definitely talking with somepony.
“... and I think she’s really beginning to like having me around.”
That voice sounded like Silver Platter, what was that smiles and sunshine maid talking about now?
“I glad to hear it, with all the trouble she gets into its a wonder I get anything done at all...”
If words could kill, Diamond would have dropped then and there.
“Sometimes I wonder if I spoil her too much, its almost as if she doesn’t appreciate all the things I do… (sigh) I don’t know, maybe I coddle her too much”
Don’t Appreciate! Coddle? Diamond started grinding her teeth again, how could she show her appreciation when he was never around? and coddle? He never coddled her, heck, she yearned to be coddled, she prayed for so much as a hug, something, anything that didn’t involve absentmindedly handing her money and treating that as good parenting.
“Oh I don’t know about that sir, I’m sure she’s just at that age. Her teacher has said she has some of the best grades in class, that has to count for something.”
Praise, sweet praise… too bad it was coming from the wrong pony in this situation.
“I know, I just wish her attitude would improve, I don’t know where it comes from. But if what you’ve said is true, which I’m sure it is, I’ll bet she’ll be glad to have you as her full time babysitter.”
Full Time Babysitter! As in somepony to take care of her when her dad’s not around… Full Time?!! Her Dad barely spent anytime with her as it was, and now he was hiring somepony else to look after her.
“Anyway I’m going to be busy for the next few days, so make sure she gets to school on time and she has a dentist appointment in a few days, other than that just make sure she fed, watered and takes her baths, alright?”
Diamond dived under her covers, smothering her mouth, and screams, with her pillow.
“I AM NOT A THING!!!”
The clatter of something hitting the floor snapped Diamond out of her freak-out. Peeking out from her silk cocoon she noticed that, in her haste, she’d knocked her tiara to the floor.
Sighing she lent over the side of her bed, reaching down in the dark for her missing headwear, the light of the moon through her window doing very little to help her see.
“(Groan) Ohhhh”
Diamond’s eyes shot wide open as she leapt back onto her bed, something had just moaned, inside her room.
“Where the hell?” came a quieter voice from the dark
Diamond Tiara hopped to her hooves her head darting in every direction, but she couldn’t see anything… unless. Diamond’s gaze shifted down the side of her bed, she’d long forgotten the stories of Nightmare Moon stealing Ponies from their beds at night, but given what was happening here and now she was starting to remember why.
Unless of course the voice was coming from downstairs, listening intently Diamond couldn’t hear anything… maybe it had just been one of the staff.
Then again, after her run in with the Blank Flanks new mascot she wasn’t willing to simply brush this off.
Diamond shook her head, taking a deep breath as she steeled herself, she had a whole mansion of throwable staff at her disposal. Moving quickly before she had a chance to get scared again, she lent over the side of bed looked underneath.
Nothing.
Now if Diamond had ever seen a horror movie, she’d have considered the more than likely idea that if its not under the bed… maybe its behind her?
But unfortunately Diamond had never seen a horror movie, so…
‘Few’ Diamond wiped her forehead, a small chuckle escaping her lips.
She should have known it was nothing, just her encounter with Discord making her jumpy.
“What the actual fuck?” came a voice directly behind her
If Diamond’s eyes had been any wider I swear, her eye balls would have rolled out of their sockets. Then again, you try sitting in a dark bedroom, then turning to find a large alien head and shoulders looking right at you. (No not the shampoo, thats just silly… Sillier)
And that dear readers, is how Diamond Tiara met me…
… and then we both screamed.

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                     Bump in the Night                     
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Bump in the Night
I woke up one morning to find I was dead.
Dead, and in a world filled with nauseatingly adorable multi-coloured ponies.
But yeah... Dead.
I didn't notice straight away mind you.
I woke up in another one of my unwanted yet well earned hangovers...
Like ya do.
... and waved a hand in front of my face, just to be sure I could actually see; When you've been to as many college parties as I have, you develop a system for waking up drunk, check your sight, observe your surroundings for the nearest restroom, if its not your place then get your personal items and run like hell.
Item One was a check, despite the lack of a light source in whatever room I was in, I could vaguely make out the outline of my hand moving. So that was a plus.
Item Two was where things got real complicated, real fast. I rubbed my head trying in vain to alleviate the throbbing feeling I had in my skull. Let this be a lesson, never follow whisky shooters with a few rum and cokes.
"I AM NOT A THING!!!"
I'm not (kinda) ashamed to admit, the muffled girly scream above my head did made me flinch. Unfortunately the turgid mix of both fear and embarrassment that came with waking up not in, but under a strangers bed was lost to me. Dwarfed if you will by a stabbing pain deep in the back of my head, something akin to someone plucking my brain out and tossing it into a washing machine full of razorblades. Just great, I was under someone's bed, who from the sounds of it didn't know I was there, and I had a migraine.
Well, at least it'd be a funny story for the guys, If I didn't get arrested first.
"(Groan) Ohhhh"
I'd tried to hold it back, I really had, but when your brain feels like its survived a night with Freddy Krueger, the occasional moan of pain can't be helped.
Just as I had expected everything in whoever's room I was had gone dead quite. Perfect, any second now someone was gonna yell and either an angry boyfriend or worse, parent, would bust in and toss me out the window... again.
Okay; I decided the best course of action would be to play it off as a funny accident and hope that maybe, just maybe, this girl would have a sense of humour about it. Or live alone so I could make a clean getaway.
"Where the hell?"
In all honesty I hadn't intended to sound like some tipsy old homeless guy, but the damage had been done and something told me that clearing my throat would only make things worse.
Above my head I heard movement. The last thing I needed was for some half drunk chick to catch me, lord knows how scruffy I must have looked, chillin' under her bed.
Call it a knee jerk reaction, call it me running on instinct, or maybe it was the surprisingly pointy tiara I caught my hand on. But my whole body shot forward... and my head and shoulders went straight through the mattress. Now your probably thinking of it like a cartoon, me sticking out of a hole in the bed like an old spring, a flock of birds circling my head, me looking black eye'd and teeth missing. Well sorry to tell you, what really happened was much less funny, depending on your perspective.
How to describe what it feels to phase through something; I guess the simplest way to put it would be, it felt as though my  top half had past through a layer of jelly. Gross I know, unless your into that sort of thing. But trust me, it felt just as unnatural as you can imagine.
That disturbing imagery aside, the full reality of what had just happened wouldn't hit me for several hours. Why that long? Well let's just say what I spotted on the bed trumped everything I'd ever seen in terms of sheer mind-bending what-the-fuckery. There, in front of me, splayed out over the bed like a bear skin rug, sat a pink, bushy maned pony... with a tattoo.
Either I'd been slipped something fierce earlier that night and was tripping crazy hard, or every story I'd heard of the afterlife had been way off. Why jump to thinking I'm dead right away? Well for starters don't interrupt, and, well lets face it, while it may not be uncommon for any of you to see candy coloured ponies every day, it was for me.
"What the actual fuck?"
Honestly was there anything else I could have said? Maybe, "Hello" or "Hi pony, wazzup".
To this day I'm not sure what scared her more, the fact that I was, to her anyway, an alien, sticking out of her bed. Or the stupid expression on my face.
And staring her right in the face... can't forget that.
With a high pitched scream that rivalled a soccer coaches whistle, the pink pony dove under her covers.
"Whoaaa..." I had only meant to take a step back for some distance, unfortunately my foot slipped on that damned tiara. As I was in the middle of standing, my other leg became spring loaded, and... well as difficult this may be to describe to any none pegasi, but instead of falling back and landing on my ass, it was as if gravity had lost its hold on me. I haphazardly flew back, careening straight through the nearest door and into a pile of soft toys.
As my head came up through the torso of what I later discovered to be a stuffed Minotaur a disturbing thought occurred to me, 'I do not wanna go out being probed by alien ponies!'.
From the other side of the door I heard the footfall of a large sounding individual entering the room.
"Miss Tiara, are you alright?"
From what I could hear, it was a distinctly female voice, faintly Equish if I wasn't mistaken. Which was weird, I honestly hadn't expected... whatever the hell I'd just seen, to speak my language. Or for there to be more than one.
"No I'm not alright! There's a monster in my room, its head... I think it was its head, came right up through my bed and then it screamed like, like a BIG monkey, and..."
That had to be the pony-like alien thing I'd seen before. It was definitely loud enough. From the new voice I heard what could have either been an indignant scoff or a pony hacking up a fur-ball. At this point I was willing to accept either one, logic had gone out the window five minutes ago.
"(Chuckle) Oh really? A monster, that screams like a monkey..."
"And looks like one! With almost no fur... and clothes on"
"...and looks like one with little fur and wears clothes, and can apparently turn invisible."
I had to hand it to the new voice, when you said it out loud, it did sound pretty stupid. Whatever unscrupulous individual, or god, that caused this must have been drunk off his (or her) ass, or have a seriously messed up sense of humour.
"I didn't say it was invisible, I hid... uhhh found cover and the think must have hid somewhere."
It was more like crashed actually. But there was not time to worry about that now, I had to find somewhere in this overstuffed closet to hide... It was then that I realised I was buried in a stuffed Minotaurs belly.
I'd like to say I handled the situation better than I had everything else that night... buuuuut...
"JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST!"
I jumped into the air for a second time, this time however my legs came up into the foetal position against my chest... but I didn't go anyway. I was essentially rotating in a ball in mid-air, like a globe on a pivot or a basketball on a finger.
I heard a startled cry from the other room, followed by, "It's in the closet!"
"Miss Tiara, are you sure you weren't just dreaming?"
God how I wish I could have said that.
"What? It just screamed, didn't you hear it? How could you not hear that!"
The clip clop sound of hooves snapped me out of my momentary lapse into insanity... or maybe sanity, it was hard to tell. The closet door opened revealing a grey pony wearing a maid outfit and... a tattoo of a plate on its rump. The sight of me floating in the air made the pink pony scream and dive under the bed she'd been sitting on. The grey pony gave a bewildered look in both our directions before walking, or I guess trotting back to the bed and peering under.
"Miss Tiara? There's nothing there."
"NOTHING THERE!"
That time we'd both screamed, I would have called 'Jinx' but I was far to busy trying to right myself as I couldn't seem to stop turning in place.
"Well what do you call that!"
The pink pony leapt out from under the bed, pointing a pink hoof in my direction.
"I'd call that, a pile of toys in desperate need of reorganising"
The grey pony smiled, picking up the diamond tiara from under the bed and placing it on a small blue cushion.
"B-but, Its right there!"
"And HE is seriously freaking out right now!"
My chiming in must have startled her as she fell over herself in surprise.
"There you see, it talked!"
The grey pony just shook her head and trotted over to the closet door.
"Oh really? Well then how do you explain this?"
At first I though she was going to throw something inside, but instead she herself trotted in, right onto the pile of toys and straight through me... and lord is it weird when a ponies head goes straight through your crotch whilst trying in vain to float upright.
"You see, nothing in here... except me of course"
The grey pony giggled to herself, now sitting comfortably on a pile of plushies with her head sticking out of my waist. The little pink pony's expression matched my own, mouth agape as she appeared to be questioning many aspects of reality which now seemed entirely plausible.
Climbing down from the mound of toys, the taller pony petted the pink pony on her head.
"Now, Miss Diamond Tiara..."
That part threw me through a loop, her name was Diamond Tiara? Well granted I'd heard weirder names back home, heck my neighbour was named 'John Glamour'. My stepmother was actually named 'Mary Weather', she didn't appreciate all the 'Sleeping Beauty' jokes.
"... I understand what's going on"
She does? I found that very hard to believe.
"I have three younger brothers and one big brother, so I know what your trying to do... you don't want to go to school tomorrow"
The little pony face-palmed. Or was it face-hoofed? I tried to do the same but my hand went through my head. The little pony must have seen this since she appeared to be at least a little less shaken.
"Why would she scream about monsters to get out of school? How would that even work?"
Now I knew the little pony was watching because she repeated everything I'd just said.
"Hey yeah! How would that get me out of school?"
The only response the filly received was the grey pony picking her up with her teeth and dropping her in bed, tucking her in.
"Hey... Lady, uhhh Pony... You didn't answer the question!"
The little 'Diamond' pony heard me cause she was looking my way, but the taller pony didn't even spare a passing glance.
"Missy, you had a bad dream, your over tired and I'm sorry, but you do have to go to school in the morning"
Grey pony tucked Diamond in to bed; By now I was tired of floating in this closet. You can only imagine the look on the little pony's face as I, the monkey like alien, slowly hovered out of the closet doing the breaststroke.
Mouth quivering, Diamond quickly turned to the grey pony, a pink hoof pointed right at me.
"You seriously don't see this!"
"Yeah, gotta admit, as bat-shit crazy as this is, you really shouldn't talk down to your daughter-pony... or whatever"
Apparently the pony named Diamond didn't appreciate my chiming in.
"Hey, stop talking! You don't get to talk! And don't call her my mom!"
In all fairness, I didn't know the grey pony's relation to Diamond, but whatever it was that she'd said made the grey pony beam like the guy from the 'Aquafresh' ads. Leaning in, the grey pony rubbed her face in Little Diamonds mane. I believe its called nuzzling, but hey, I'm not a pony.
"That's sweet Diamond, and I just love that you've made an imaginary friend, how adorable... But its time for sleep now, so you and your (giggle) monkey friend get some rest and I'll wake you in the morning. Goodnight."
The grey pony pecked Little Diamond on the forehead and trotted out the open door, closing it behind her.
For at least ten minutes it was a tense staring contest between Little Diamond and myself, probably didn't help that I was floating at the end of her bed. And that I had no idea what was happening. And that I couldn't get back down, I tried but my feet wouldn't reach the floor.
Quivering slightly, Little Diamond pulled her covers up over her muzzle. Awkwardly I rubbed the back of my head, or rather the area that I hoped was the back of my head, again couldn't really feel much.
"W-what are you? What do you w-want?"
Gotta say, I was surprised that the kid was the one starting the conversation, even if it was hard to make out considering she was whispering.
"Huh? Well... in that order, I'd say I'm a human. My name is..."
Pause, world frozen, blood drained from face... what was my name? Thinking back brought me nothing, I thought of family, but none of the names from them seemed to fit. I thought of smiling friends and... actually there were other things missing too. Where I lived. My last memory of my parents I remembered as five years ago, nothing of them after that. What about my boyfriend? Did I have a boyfriend? Damn, so many empty files.
"Your name is...?"
Little Diamonds voice brought me back to my senses.
"What? (Groan) I can't remember... there's a ton I can't remember! In fact," I turned arms crossed to Little Diamond "Why did you bring me here?"
Little Diamond shivered under her covers.
"W-what? I didn't do it. I just went to bed and then you jumped out behind me!"
Now it was my turn to, metaphorically, scratch my head.
"Well excuse me if I don't take the word of a talking alien horse! How are you talking anyway? Last time I checked ponies can't talk and they don't look much like you."
Little Diamond looked as puzzled as me.
"What are you talking about? All ponies can talk! I don't look any more different than any other pony, and your the alien! Monster!"
In spite of my bizarre situation, I had to chuckle at that last part; Kids, they say the darnedest things.
We return to our staring contest for a few more minutes, Little Diamond shuffling in her bed, probably trying to get comfy. Me, I repeatedly tried touching my hands together, only to have then phase through each other. After a while, Little Diamond finally spoke up.
"Why are you here?"
I... actually had no answer for that.
"Uhhh, I actually don't know, I thought it was you but..." I looked over the little pony, I was never a top of the class student but just looking at this... filly was it? There was noway, no freaking way that this little pony could have caused this. "I don't think you did this. But you can see and hear me, that other pony couldn't, so that doesn't exactly help your case. And believe me, if she was acting, she's dedicated. I don't know how things work here, but where I come from if you put your head through a guys crotch, most folks wouldn't be nearly so casual about it! I mean would you..."
"Never mind! Forget I asked!"
Little Diamond had her hooves firmly placed over her ears.
"Yeesh! So... what now?"
That was a weird question, what did she want me to say.
"Ummm, I don't know. I mean, I'm dead and..."
Oh, such a poor choice of words around a kid.
"(Gasp) Y-your DEAD!"
Again Face-palm, me-so-stupid!
"Well, technically yes, humans can't float and phase through things, but... I don't remember dying."
But then again I had allot of blanks in my memory.
"I thought you said you couldn't remember a ton of stuff"
Well, at least she listened.
"(Sigh) I don't know okay, I just don't know! I can't remember..."
"Well... maybe your dead"
Ow, harsh.
"... And this is what? The afterlife? Not exactly what I had hoped for. Or Purgatory? I mean I know I'm not a saint but I'm not a complete..."
"Maybe you don't remember being evil"
"Hey, when did you start talking"
"When do you stop?"
Touché Little Dia... Touché.
But could it be true, am I really dead?!
"Your probably dead"
Damn kid, tear my currently non-existent heart out and throw it in a blender.
"Wow, harsh kid, jeeez!"
"Well, you got a better answer?"
I sighed, no, I didn't have a better answer.
"No, no I don't... but how come you can see me?"
Little Diamond rubbed her chin with a free hoof.
"Princess Twilight"
Wow, I didn't know these ponies had video games. I was in a weird frame of mind at this point.
"Well personally I prefer 'Wind Waker', but that game is good too. Kinda serious but not bad."
"What? I don't know what your talking about, but you have to go see Princess Twilight!"
Princesses? Pony Princesses? This is the afterlife? Man, that book my step mom carried around was way off.
"You have princesses?"
Why was she looking at me that way?
"Uhhhh, yeah, we have four; Princess Celestia controls the sun, Princess Luna controls the moon, Cadence is the princess of Love and Twilight's the princess of Friendship."
You'd think the idea of ponies controlling the sun and moon would either terrify me or immediately be drawn into question, but after everything I'd seen in the last hour, I was honestly just going with the flow.
"... just repeat to yourself, its just a show, I should really just relax..."
Cheesy as its sounds, those show lyrics really helped, sort of. Diamond didn't seem to get it.
"... What?"
"Oh well its a show from back home, It's about a guy, well actually two guys, and some robots, who are puppets and..."
"Never mind! Celestia forget I asked! Look just go see the princess, she's in the big gem castle in town."
Diamond turned to her side, most likely fatigued. I wondered why I wasn't tired.
'Right, time to see the princess' One problem though, I couldn't move. Looking over at Diamond I noticed she'd drifted off, she may have an attitude, but she's still a kid.
Then she started snoring.
Desperately I tried to move my body, but nothing worked, It was like my whole body had... fallen asleep.
Looking back at Diamond, a lone thought entered my mind.
'Why do I have the feeling your gonna cause me a world of trouble?'
'...'
'Whelp, only seven more hours before I get some kinda answer'
A loud snore filled the room.
"Oh this is gonna be a long night..."

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                    Who Ya Gonna Call?                     
//-------------------------------------------------------//
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Would you believe me if I told you, 'Ghosts can dream'?
No? Well that's weird considering I am one.
Regardless; My first night after meeting Diamond, I had the most amazing, and surprisingly enlightening dream.
I remember I was running along a narrow rooftop, the crisp morning air flowing across my face and through my hair. The sun rising over the city skyline as I leapt clear over the edge,  underneath me the yawn-inducing early morning shifters dragged their exhausted corpses to and from work. Call me a lemming if you must. My parents sure did. But I love free-running. Its one of the single greatest things on any world.
The best part? Easily, the jumps.
How can I possibly describe the feels you get when you jump across a huge gap or down a long distance, and do it justice? Its like, you feel your insides bunch up, kinda like your body's anticipating the next movement, the next leap, the next landing. Always checking and double checking, not maths and calculations like you'd think. No. Its all about the feel. Practice enough times and you get a feeling for every movement, you don't decide that your right, you feel it and you know. Your entire being is completely in-sync, all your parts and pieces working together for two goals. Running and staying alive. Feeling alive.
And the adrenaline... B-E-A-UTIFUL.
I landed with a roll just beyond the edge of the other side, now one story lower I pushed off forward from the roll and kept going.
One rule of free-running, never break flow. You break flow, the feelings gone. That's when your problems catch you.
School
Grades
Bullies
Parents
Ex-Boyfriends
All forced back into a tiny, insignificant corner of your mind when you run.
I vaulted over an exposed air vent, ahead of me, getting closer by the second was the other edge. The next building ahead didn't have as much of a gap, but it did have a series of pipes... and a ledge around the whole thing.
Perfect.
There were only a few things in my late high school days that seemed to bring me any joy. Chocolate Éclairs, Energy Drinks, B-Movies and my personal favourite... Free-Running.
I was never a happy teenager, but then again who is? I was coming to terms with who I am, which my parents were less than enthusiastic about. My grades were only just on the border of average. And I was the bullies favourite punching bag.
Needless to say I was a miserable guy.
I wouldn't find out until much later just how miserable I'd been.
I launched myself over the next edge, my breath caught in my chest as my arms and legs clamped on to the cold metal piping.
Climbing my way up I heard a voice above me.
"HELLOOOOOO, down there," I didn't stop climbing, I couldn't. If I did, I'd be back in a world of responsibilities and expectations. Looking up I saw something which, in any other situation would have scared the crap outta me. A dragon, deer, goat, lion, eagle, snake thing... wearing a blue t-shirt and red headband... dreams, funny how they'll make you accept anything right? "...Lovely morning for a run"
I hoisted myself onto the ledge and took off to the left after the dragon thing.
"If you wanna talk fine, but keep running"
I couldn't tell if the dragon thing had heard me, but he seemed to know what he was doing as he leapt onto an exposed air-conditioner and onto the next higher ledge. I was quick to follow suit.
"So, what are you? Some kinda dragon?"
"Hmmm, well that's rude. I'll have you know I'm not one of those giant geckos. I am a Draconequus!"
"... Oh well why didn't you say so? That makes all the difference."
Yeah I was being a tad impolite, but hey it's a dream, you only have so much control over what happens; heck that dragon-thingy was lucky I had pants on.
"So, before the next leap of faith, let's circle the building a few times, I feel as though we should talk... The name's Discord, and you are?"
"... I dunno"
Why wasn't I bothered by this? Well I was concentrating on running at the time and as I would discover later, it's hard to focus on much of anything in the dreamscape, it's one of the most chaotic places there is.
"Oh that's right, The Spell! Silly me."
That however caught my attention.
"Excuse Me? Spell? What spell? As in Magic?"
And now this Discord guy was running backwards, along the narrow ledge... I had to admit, that was ballsy... Or stupid, it's hard to tell with him.
"Oh, just a little seemingly harmless bending of the time-space continuum. A sprinkle of teleportation here, a memory spell there, a few crazy thoughts and Presto! Instant Phase Two."
"Phase Two? Of what?"
But all the chaos god did was tap his snout.
"Now now, no spoilers. You'll just have to wait and see!"
What a Douche-bag!
"Lucky me! So, any more mundane questions?"
"Oh, So many! Tell me, why are we running right now? Are you trying to get away from something?"
We both leapt over the gap between the ledge and the vent and continued around for a second time, how he could see where he was running I'll never know.
"I run because it's the only way I get any freedom! As for what I'm running from. Well Its a lot of things, all of which are none of your business!"
"Well that's not very nice..."
"Hey, no offence, Puff the Magic Dragon-thing. But I just met you. And nothing you've said has made sense. There's no such thing as magic! You existing period can't be physically possible and to top it all off... Why am I not freaking out just looking at you?!!"
Discord's muzzle shifted to a mischievous grin. Well at least he was enjoying himself.
"Why? Well some of the memories I... misplaced, helped a great deal. But really its most likely your connection to, as you know her, Little Diamond."
I had not idea what he was talking about. Little Diamond? I don't have that kind of money.
"What do you mean, misplaced memories? You mean my memories?"
Third time around the building, this was starting to get tedious.
"I had to, shall we say, place a few of them into storage, to help your mind adjust and accept your current situation. Memories of family and certain friends would have thrown you into despair, and really now, who wants to see that."
Was this... guy? Being serious? He was going about this so casually, like it was just another day. Talking about abduction and mind-fuckery as though it were nothing.
"W-Well who cares what you or others want! You can't just take my memories!"
Discord just smirked again and pointed to the ledge we were running on. Although on second glance I realised that he was standing perfectly still and I was, somehow, running on a tread mill. On a ledge. Fifteen stories up. Oddly enough that was the only time that night that I questioned if I was dreaming. Discord's lion arm detached from its socket and floated over, his paw holding and unfurled piece of thick leathery paper.
"Actually I think you'll find that I can."
Looking at the paper in front of me, I immediately realised something that should have tipped me off there and then that I was in a dream.
"Buddy, this is all gibberish!"
All that was on the paper were a series of odd squiggles and dots with a few important looking stamps at the bottom. Discord's arm popped like a balloon and re-inflated out of his side along with the paper. Now sporting a small pair of reading glasses on his snout, Discord looked over the paper thoroughly before face palming.
"Oh right. That won't work here. Alrighty then, I'll just read it to you... Ahem"
"Dearest Citizens of Equestria.
I, Princess Twilight Sparkle. Do hear-by grant one, Discord the Reformed. My full permission to go about Equestria and spread the Magic of Friendship and Harmony, to any and all in need. To stand against any threat to both Equestria and her people. To teach Friendship and Harmony to the best of his ability. To uphold the morals and... 'blah blah blah'... Princess Celestia... 'blah blah'... Our great, powerful and majestic ruler... 'blah blah blah... Oh Celestia why don't you love me... 'blah blah. Honestly will she ever stop kissing her flank' ... should Discord fail in his task, he shall... 'Blah, boring legal talk that isn't important, blah' Dictated but not written by... Signed and sealed... Princess Twilight Sparkle"
"You should have seen the way the Princess's eyes sparkled when I told her how much of a difference she'd made on me. Why she was so overjoyed with all the praise, she hardly stopped to look over what she was having her dragon slave write. Word to the wise, the key words are 'best of his ability' and believe me, neither you or Little Diamond have seen my best yet!"
"Alright, first things first dude. The Magic of Friendship? I'm sorry but, that has to be the stupidest, ages zero to five garbage I've ever heard. Friendship is an idea, not an actual force like gravity or electricity. And I don't care what some Princess says! She has no authority on my world! We don't even have Princesses where I'm from!"
"Oh really? (chuckle) I have a feeling your idea of friendship is going to change very soon... now tell me, Do or do you not come from a world called Equestria?"
Okay, now this was getting confusing.
"Yes"
"Well the same goes for mine, and it states here and I quote 'My full permission to go about Equestria...' she never specified a single specific Equestria... you see Equestria is like those delightful potato chips in a can that you humans love so much, you can't have just one."
"Whoa! I get how Friendship works, I have dozens of friends, why are you doing this to me?"
He wore that damned grin again.
"If you only knew... and you will, then you'd take that back immediately. But we'll deal with that when it comes. Firstly, since you seem so insistent, you can have this memory back."
Like a light bulb going off in my head the memories of the past few hours came back full force. Waking up under a talking, weird looking yet surprisingly cute ponies bed. Meeting Little Diamond. At least now I knew it wasn't her fault I was there.
Realisations struck me like bullets. My world was called Equestria just like the world Diamond and Discord. My being there was Discord's doing. Discord talks as though he'd visited my world before. And probably the most disturbing of all, Discord could give and take my memories whenever he wanted, or whenever it amused him.
"Now, to answer your other question... the reason you've been so accepting of everything going on, is because of your connection with Diamond Tiara. Every living being from my Equestria, Equestria Prime if you will, has magic inside them. Its her harmonious magic that's keeping you calm and in... relatively good spirits. Here, this is what you need to know... You and Diamond Tiara both need to learn a thing or two about Friendship. You've made poor choices and hurt others..."
"Kinda hard to feel guilty when you've had your memories stolen by a reality warping dragon monster. Don't you think your being a bit hypocritical!"
Discord scratched his chin before shooting me a deadpan look.
"Hmm, No... Now then, if you want your memories back... wait no, that sounds wrong, too evil... ah, in order to earn back your memories, you must..."
"Hey, what exactly did Little Dia do anyway? She just a kid, or Filly, whatever."
Discord frowned before continuing.
"Her bullying and insolent behaviour have resulted in..."
"Did she kill someone?"
Discord stood wide eyed, probably from being interrupted again; I had my memories stolen, I was allowed to be rude!
"No"
"Did she badly injure someone?"
"No"
"Has she broken any laws..."
"Oh for Celestia's sake, be quiet! Here's an idea, ask her yourself! Bottom line, either you and Diamond learn about friendship which will send you home, memories and all, or fail and remain Little Diamond's ghost buddy from now until you both are... shall we say, no more"
Why did I get the feeling there was more to this?
"That's it? Just learn about friendship, that'll be easy."
Discord didn't seem amused.
"Are you so sure? Friendship is a funny thing, true friendship can change ones entire outlook on life, it can move mountains and make the impossible, very possible indeed. But hey, I'm a fair Draconequus... so I'll tell you the rules of my, master friendship plan,"
"There's rules?"
I didn't even do anything to deserve having this forced on me, as far as I knew, and now this thing was forcing me to learn something I already know, and he had the audacity to set rules!
"Yes; One, don't hurt anypony! That should be obvious, but these ponies can be insufferable sometimes, so I had to be sure. Two, your stuck with Little Diamond, if you try to fly more than twenty feet away... (chuckle) well, you'll find out. Three, and this ones the most important, if you get found out, discovered, recognised as real by Princess Twilight. You Lose! You lose and your suck here... forever!"
As if to hammer the message home, the word 'forever' appeared behind him in giant golden letters. Also I was still running on that damn tread mill, funny, I hadn't even noticed.
"Wait! So if this Princess finds out I'm a ghost,"
"Or here because of me"
"Or here because of you, then I'm stuck here forever... THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOU CAN DO THIS TO ME, I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!"
Discord wasn't remotely phased.
"You wouldn't be saying that if you remembered,"
That caught me off guard. I've always been a nice guy, at least I've tried to be... haven't I?
"Believe me, you'll thank me when this is over. As for the part where you get trapped here if you lose, Well that's just how the spell works, Ol' Star Swirl had, and still has a lot of skeletons in his closet. If only Celestia knew the things he did before his passing. But that's another story for another time. Although it is quite ingenious really, this little spell of his. Really though it's more of a two way curse. It was originally a way of reforming criminals and those who abuse magic. Two souls become joined and are given a specific task to complete, usually something along the lines of helping others or aiding the crown, if they did well they were set free. But if they failed, they were trapped with each other permanently. And believe me, it's a lot harder for a criminal to lay low when he's got somepony else with them. All, The, Time,"
It was a weird feeling, being forced into a situation like this. Maybe this was what kidnap victims felt like. Which I supposed I was from then on. I wondered how this would affect me, if I ever got home.
"I was originally planning on casting the curse on Little Diamond and her school chum Silver Spoon. But something tells me, they'd enjoy being stuck in close proximity to one another. I also considered another Pony or Equestrian citizen. A Diamond Dog perhaps or maybe a Dragon. But those are much more difficult to keep calm and besides that, they rarely follow rules. Another Pony 'adult' would have been... awkward, to say the least, and another filly from elsewhere was out of the question, I'm a lot of things, but a foal-napper is not one of them!"
My word, did this guy ever love to hear himself talk.
"But then I re-read Princess Sparkle-Toosh's letter, and I realised. I was thinking too small. So I whisked myself away to the next dimension to mine, and what did I find? Only some of the most chaotic and emotionally irrational creatures I've ever seen. I mean really, talk about hitting the jackpot. I really considered staying, I didn't want to leave. But, alas, we all have our parts to play in the story of life. So I searched high and low for a Human to complete the curse, one with a clear lack of Harmony or understanding of the value of Friendship."
"And out of everyone. All the corrupt politicians, pedophiles, drug dealers, psychos, killers, stalkers and murderers... You chose me? Seriously... Me?!! Out of everyone else."
"Actually, I discovered, too my delight, and later chagrin... That there were far too many that met the criteria. So I did what any chaos god would do in my position. I picked one at random. You dear boy. Sorry if that makes you feel less special."
So that was it, the whole reason I was in this mess. Was a random, fucking choice. A dart on a newspaper. A flip of a coin. A roll of a dice. Completely random. It could have been anyone else, but instead it had to happen to me! Oddly enough, only one question was on my mind now.
"So wait, who's gonna tell Diamond this?"
"I am... I've been having a similar conversation with her while I've been chatting with you. Except her's was less running and jumping and more flowers and throne rooms... Oh, one last little thing."
Discord leaned in close, really close, face to face even. Was he gonna kiss me? God I hoped not.
"Wake up Miss Tiara"
Oh thank you spirits in the sky.
xxx

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                  All work and no play...                  
//-------------------------------------------------------//
All work and no play...
All caught up so far? Excellent.
I'll admit, it had been a difficult night sleep if nothing else. Usually I dream of free-running or swimming in jello or lounging on the beach with a nice guy... And jello. Instead, that night I'd dreamt of having a pretty expository conversation with the dragon/ animal equivalent of an exotic fruit-hat. I was told that I'd been essentially kidnapped because I'd done something to besmirch the name of friendship, or some garbage like that. And now had a small, surprisingly adorable filly for a... I suppose roommate would be the best description, at least until a few days later. But heck, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Xxx
"Miss Tiara, rise and shine. Breakfast will be ready in one hour."
A muffled voice woke me up that morning, feeling oddly alert I opened my eyes only to find myself on the floor. Like a lot of mornings this didn't come as much surprise to me. Being in college I was used to this sort of thing. Standing up, using the end bed post I was sleeping near as a brace, I pulled myself up and stretched my spine back into shape. Only when I ran a hand through my lovely white hair did I realize something was amiss.
For starters, the room wasn't mine, which wasn't a complete surprise. I've woken up in other students rooms before, preferably in a hot guys bed, or if I'd gotten super fantastically smashed the previous night, under a girls bed. What really irked me about the room I found myself in this morning though was, among other things, the decor. The whole place was painted a foreboding layer of pink. Little girl pink. Pink, like the color of a happy fathers face as he walks in to see his daughter, only to find an early twenties college student standing at the end of her bed and about to lose the feeling in ninety percent of his body. Believe me, If the knot in my stomach was any indication, I was in for a world of trouble.
A small yawn from my left sent a shiver up my spine, I had no time to react, I knew I'd been spotted. The young sounding gasp I heard after may as well have been my death bell; any second now this kid, who's room I must have stumbled into last night, would scream, her parents would break in, beat the crap outta me, and then I'd be taken to jail for acts of assumed pedophilia. It wouldn't be true, but who would the cops believe in this situation.
I waited, I really expected a scream or at least something to be hurled at my head.
Actually something was... Except it went straight through and hit the opposing wall.
A relieved 'Phew' from the supposed kid finally got my attention.
I never thought I'd say this, but I was actually more relieved to see the colourful little filly instead of a human kid. Why? Because with her came all the memories of last night and my psychedelic meet and greet with a chaos god. Looking back, it's surprising how comforting those memories were, especially when compared to the situation I could have been in.
"Phew, so your actually real. I knew I wasn't crazy! Lousy dragon monster, messing with my dreams. I should write a letter to Princess Luna, that'd show him and I'd give her a piece of my mind, maybe tell her to do her job properly."
I would have questioned her somewhat upbeat attitude toward seeing me, but honestly, I was so happy I wasn't in trouble, I didn't care.
"Morning... Diamond, right?"
"Yeah, Diamond Tiara. Heir to the 'Rich family fortune' and all around best pony"
She said that last part with a flick of her mane. I wasn't sure if she was being sassy or smug, but the fact that it was coming from this worlds equivalent of a child really threw me through a loop. She spoke with such confidence, like she truly believed herself to be the best. I would question her upbringing, but I wouldn't meet her dad for another few days.
"Ummm, pleased to meet you. I'm... Not sure who I am."
Little Diamond gave me a puzzled expression before looking me over, she looked at me similar to a child looking at a pet at the store. It was kind-of unnerving.
"You can't remember your own name, wow, gotta say that's pretty pathetic."
Diamond, as I would later discover, had a bit of a mean streak.
"Why you rotten little..."
"Well, I guess I'll have to give you a name then. If I'm gonna be stuck with you for a few days, you'll need a name. Hmmm... What's your Cutie Mark?"
Well that was a weird idea for a name.
"That's a terrible name."
Gimme a break, I hadn't been there for so much as a full day yet. The deadpan expression on Little Diamond's face should have tipped me off that somewhere, I'd goofed up.
"No, I mean 'What is your Cutie Mark?' You dolt. You know, your super special talent. The thing that defines who you are. Your destiny! Come on, move your pants and lets see it."
I was at a loss for words. Did this filly seriously just ask me to do what I think she just did? Aaaannnndddd, we're back to unintentional pedophilia again.
"I... Uhhh, I'm sorry, what?"
"Show me your Cutie Mark! Cutie... Mark... Am I speaking 'Japoniese' or something?"
"What the heck's a Cutie Mark?"
Diamond Tiara was shocked, bamboozled and flabbergasted all at once. From what I could tell, in her mind, I'd just committed some horrendous vocal atrocity. I'd actually said something she could not comprehend.
"What's a Cutie Mark? What Is A Cutie Mark! This is a Cutie Mark!"
Diamond then proceeded to jump to the end her bed and point to her... Flank, I guess. Specifically, her Tiara tattoo.
"You mean that crown tattoo on your butt?"
Was I mocking her? A little. Apparently she didn't find it very funny either.
"No, first it's not a crown, it's a Diamond Tiara and second, it represents my abilities for leadership and success."
Leadership and Success, oddly enough I could definitely see Diamond Tiara laughing maniacally and towering over a spinning globe.
"And it just so happens to also be your name? And on your butt. Were you born with it?"
"No, no ponies are born with a Cutie Mark, you get it when you find your one true talent"
Logic really does take a back seat in this magical world. So many contradictions, so little time.
"If you found your talent yourself, and it's of your name. Doesn't that strike you as... Really coincidental?!!"
But Little Diamond just shrugged.
"Hmmm, nope, not really... My daddy says the name just came to him when I was born."
I decided not to press this any further for now. In all likelihood I'd just end up all the more confused anyway.
"Listen Cutie, I don't need some colorful stamp on my ass to tell me what I'm gonna be, let alone one that Ponies are gonna ask to see."
"What's the big deal, normal Ponies show off their marks all the time."
She was completely serious. I couldn't believe I was going to have to explain this, to a kid no less.
"Honey, I am not gonna drop my pants for anyone who wants to know my passion in life, let alone a little girl, that's like twenty kinds of wrong."
"Well then why wear pants in the first place."
Apparently my deadpan expression was lost on the little filly. And with that little slice of awkward, I was out. This conversation was going to a bad place.
"... You know what, forget I said anything. If you must know, Humans don't have... (Groan) Cutie Marks."
Who ever came up with the name 'Cutie Marks' was a complete feather brain... No offence.
"What! No Cutie Marks! But how do you know what your good at? What it is that your supposed to do in life?"
I had to hand it to myself, this was a real achievement for me. I'd actually stunned 'her' with facts from 'my' world. All I could do was shrug.
"Honestly, some humans never do. I guess we try to do what we enjoy. Though usually most don't get to do that for a job. In fact most humans 'special talents' are pretty much, a hobby at best."
The pride in stunning this filly was gone now. I was surprised, Little Diamond looked genuinely sad. Like when one of those ads came on TV for starving children in third world countries.
"... How can you live like that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Who could live their life without knowing their special talent? If you couldn't enjoy it all the time? Why would you get a job that's nothing to do with your talent?"
I rubbed the back of my neck uneasily. Yeah I know, how was that possible, I'll get to that in a moment.
"(Sigh) Well, most humans try. But sometimes their talent, isn't exactly an easy thing to pursue a career in. And people do need money, to well... Live. So we make do with what we can get and hope someday to make our dreams and goals for the future come true. But a lot of the time, they don't."
"... That's a sad way to live"
I really did feel bad for the kid. Heck, I was making myself feel bad. I guess after hearing how simple society sounded in this world, did it really dawn on me how harsh my own world really is by comparison.
" Uhhh, listen, how about we change the subject?"
"No Cutie Marks"
Now she was whispering to herself. Not one day there and I'd already broken a ponies spirit.
"Uhhh, yeah. Soooo... You got school today?"
This seemed to snap Little Dia out of it, as she looked over at her bedside clock.
"Look, I have to get ready for school, why don't you just float there and..."
I think she realised it about the same time as me. I was standing on the floor and leaning, instead of floating around like a thanksgiving balloon.
"How are you standing?"
Frankly, I had no idea. Especially since the very next second my hand, as well as the rest of me, went straight through the bed and the floor. Straight into the dining room below.
Xxx
I knew from the look of Little Diamond's room that she was probably a very well to do kid. But I had no idea until I saw more of the place. The dining room I... (cough) found myself in, was truly grand in size. From the red drapes to the gold trimmings here and there. Not to mention the polished kitchen wear dotted along the table. Which from the looks of it could seat at least thirty people... Ponies.
The room even had a chandelier. Now that was classy.
Of course it was kinda hard to appreciate all this when I was falling, rather quickly towards the floor.
I thought for sure I would collide with, or go straight through the table. However, right when my head was about to make contact. I felt a sort of... I guess the best phrase would be, elastic-y feeling inside. Like when a bungie jumper reaches the end of their cord and they snap right back into the air.
Inside I felt an invisible bungie cord snap me back in the direction I came. I'm not ashamed to admit, I screamed for dear life as it was flung back through the ceiling, knocking into something pink and surprisingly warm. The whole world spun around me before myself and the warm fluffy pink think landed back on top of the bed.
Shaking my head, trying to get my eyes to focus, it was clear immediately that I was back in Diamond's room. On her bed... And apparently on her, as I heard the muffled yelling under my chest. Quickly shifting to my side, Little Diamond shot up gasping for air. I offered her the most apologetic face I could as she glared my way, it really was an accident.
"(Gasp) W-what was... that?!!"
"I don't know. One minute I'm about to crash through your, rather lovely, dining room and the next think I know I get snapped back like a rubber band. I guess Discord wasn't lying. I get too far away from you and well... This is gonna happen."
Diamond Tiara seemed to recall this herself as she slowly nodded, in spite of the frown she refused to drop. I assumed Discord had told her essentially the same thing he'd told me, give or take a few minor details.
"So... Now what?"
"Looks like you and me are going to school"
I put on my best confident grin. She did not look amused.
"Excuse me! Nonononono..."
You had to admire the filly, she certainly had a set of lungs on her.
"You got a better idea?"
"There is no way I'm going to school with you!"
Gotta say, even though the filly was louder than a rusty tumble dryer, seeing her cross her hooves and pout is still adorable.
"Sorry little dee, but you and me are stuck together. Like waffles and syrup, like bees and honey, like..."
"... Like stupid on you."
'Ohhh, she's quick, I like that.' I had to admit, I could see this filly grinding on others nerves very quickly. But then again who was I to judge, she wasn't my responsibility, she could do or say what she wanted and I wouldn't care.
"Okay look, Here's the facts... One, your nanny or maid or whatever whats you to go to school. Two, I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed on you pulling a sick day. And three, you and me have to learn something about... Something. Sooner we do that, sooner everything goes back to normal."
"... Nononono... (Groan) fine"
"Wow that was easy" 'Nailed it'
"Shut up! Come on I need my breakfast."
I couldn't help but smirk as she jumped off the bed and out the door in a huff. About five seconds past before I felt myself being pulled like a stubborn dog on a leash. I passed through the wall behind me and was pulled towards Diamond, the hallway we were in had this one railing  that looked out on the foyer below. From what I could see there were at least a dozen different 'Victorian' looking ponies busying themselves about the place.
I saw Diamond up ahead, for whatever reason she'd stopped to watch the ponies working below.
Performing my best mid-air breaststroke, I 'eventually' floated over to her side.
"Hey Diamond, I think I figured it out. If I concentrate I can float whichever way I want."
It would have been more of an achievement if I didn't stumble and roll in midair instead of stopping.
"Hmmm, yeah great... Whatever"
Well that was rude. I mean yeah it's not like I learned to walk or anything, but at least a 'Well Done' would have been appreciated.
"Hey Sourpuss... I can kinda sorta fly now. Where I come from that's kind of a big deal."
The little filly didn't respond.
Maybe it was my undeveloped fatherly instincts kicking in, or maybe it was my idea of how a good dad should behave. But looking over at Diamond's downtrodden expression, I could tell something needed to be said.
I floated over and sat by her side. I didn't pass through the floor, so that was a good first step.
"Hey... So, enjoying the view?"
"Uggghhh, just leave me alone!"
Little Dia turned away, still staring at the Ponies below, or rather beyond them to the front doors. I sighed internally, I've never been good at reading people... good thing for me Ponies wear their emotions like clothing.
"(Sigh) Okay hun... What's the matter? And don't try and pretend everything's fine, I'm gonna be with you all day every day for the foreseeable future, so why start lying now, right... Oh wait, is it me? Cause if it is, I'm not really sure what I can do about that..."
"Its not you..."
"I mean I guess I could hang back, not say anything..."
"Its not you, stupid..."
"... Just let you drag me around, at least I'd be outta your way..."
"Will you shut up! Its not you okay, its... (groan) never mind."
Well at least it wasn't me, selfish I know but... nope, that was just selfish. Reassuringly I ran my fingers through her mane; apparently I could interact with Diamond at least, which was better than nothing I suppose, and especially helpful then and there.
"Come on Dia, whats that matter?"
"He went to work and didn't say goodbye... again."
'Ouch' I knew that feeling, my father didn't pay attention to me either. Although in my case he wasn't to busy, he just didn't like me.
"Does he do that allot?"
"(Sigh) Yep..."
Poor kid, I felt bad for her, I really did but what was I supposed to do? I didn't know the full story. Maybe her Dad had an erratic work schedule, or maybe her Mom was one of those withdrawn alcoholics you hear about in the obituaries. I could go on for hours about just how complicated and/or messed up parents and their lives could be, but Diamond needed me now. I moved to pet her mane...
A pity I wussed out at the last second. I knew I should say something, or do anything. But parenting had always been a touchy subject with me. If it wasn't explicitly obvious by this point, my parents were bucking horrible. And really, if I'd hear anyone complain about their folks to me, no matter the circumstances my answer would always be the same, Run! 'Run away, your better off without them'. What can I say, I was biased when it came to bad parents. Or rather parents in general.
"Wait, so your Dad just leaves you here? With the help?"
Little Dia nodded in response. I wanted to say something reassuring but the little devil on my shoulder had other ideas.
"So, they have to do whatever you say, right?"
Looking puzzled Dia nodded again. My Cheshire cat grin grew across my face, Oh yes, I could definitely have fun with this. With great haste I whispered my idea into her ear.
"...That could be fun, at least for a moment."
"Trust me Dia, it'll be hilarious, Just say what I say..."
I chuckled in anticipation as Diamond stuck her head through the railing, coughing loudly to gain the staff ponies attention. As Diamond took a deep breath, I knew this was gonna be good.
"...KNNNEEEEEEELLLLLL..."
If I hadn't been floating behind the filly at the time I guarantee I would have literally been blown away. The reaction on the staff ponies was priceless. A passing chef pony leapt into the air, sending a pitcher of milk he'd been carrying, flying across the room and all over an unsuspecting maid. A maid cleaning one of the windows slipped for the step stool she'd been perched on, landing haphazardly on top of an elderly looking butler pony. And the bucket of water that he'd been carrying on his back spilled, covering the floor and sending several unfortunate staff members to their haunches, an unexpected bonus.
Naturally Little Diamond and I laughed up a storm. I'd hoped for at least a startled shriek or somepony jumping out of their skin, but this... this was a million times better.
Little Dia wiped a tear from her eye as she turned to me. "(Giggle) Did I do good or did I do good?"
I ruffled Little Dia's mane; Had I been thinking I would have questioned how it was I did that, but then and there I was to proud to care.
"You did great hun, Loki would be proud, now just say what I say..."
The working ponies all looked up at Diamond with expressions weaving from worry to thinly veiled anger as the little filly cleared her throat.
"There now, is not this simple, is this not your natural state... you were made to be ruled."
'Ha, this is priceless. Okay time to bring it on home.'
"From now on you shall refer to me as 'Princess Diamond' ruler of the nine realms,"
I had to pat Diamond on the head, if nothing else the little filly certainly had a flare for drama, I wouldn't be surprised if she took up acting in the future.
"And you will refer to my invisible monkey friend here as Loki, King of the Apes."
'Wait what?!"
From the look of things, the staff ponies seemed equally surprised. Some were looking around like they didn't know what to do, whilst others exchanged glances, each wondering whether or not they should be concerned. All of this trepidation was brought to a swift end however when a familiar face made her way through the crowd of smartly dressed ponies, aside from the one maid coated in milk, who I would from then on refer to as 'Milky'.
The pony I remember as 'Silver Platter' trotted to the front of the group and smiled up at Diamond and myself.
"All Hail Princess Diamond and King Loki."
Silver Platter dropped to her fore-hooves in a mock bow. A knowing look spread amongst the staff as each shot a smirk at one another and bowed to the new little Princess in turn.
"Hey Diamond, why'd you have to call me Loki? I didn't tell you to say that."
"Because; One, I don't wanna look crazy if I talk to you. Two, I thought the name sounded cool. And three, you can't talk so its really my choice... nya-nya."
Really she could have said that last part without sticking her tongue out at me. Kids today are so rude, regardless of species. Silver Platter trotted up the stairs, lowering herself to meet Diamond eye to eye.
"Come on Princess, why don't we get you and the monkey king something to eat."
I shot Diamond a look of contempt as she giggled at my expense. It was then and there that I knew, until I found my way home, I would forever be  known as Loki, monkey king.
'Oh well, at least its better than Keith.'
xxx