How Life Changes

by The Zealot

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 6565

One teenager, a new world, and lots of ponies. Oh this is going to be a disaster, I can see it coming.

The day a person walking down the street gets popped into Equestria is the day it's no longer the VIP section of a club. My name is... irrelevant, at current, my story however is hopefully entertaining to you lot. Don't ask me how this is getting through to you guys, the explanation almost made my head explode. Suffice to say magic, and let's leave it at that.

Alright, I know I already have a self insert HiE, but I wanted to do a more serious one, as in, one that ain't a wishfic. So, without further ado, let's begin my wonderful adventures into the magical land of Equestria. Oh, goody, goody, joy.

Published 2014-08-05 14:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-17 07:16:07 UTC

Chapter 1: The Arrival Is Always Inconvenient

"... Sonnova bitch." Those two little words were the first things out of my mouth when I awoke, on the floor. On the wooden floor, goddammit.

As I looked around I noticed that things were not as they should be. Firstly, I was laying on wood, secondly, I was in a tree house, thirdly, there was a purple unicorn standing over me. A rather shocked purple unicorn, I might add.

Well, now I'm either tripping some serious balls, or magic is afoot. I'm gonna go with the latter considering I've never touched any form of drugs in my young life. See, this is why I don't go outside. I was just minding my business, walking down to the horse races to meet some friends and have a good time, and boom, sudden Equestria. Fucking ponies.

"Back off Sparkles." I growled. I didn't mean to, it's just that I don't talk much and when you already have a deep voice, not talking much adds this whole other level to it, I'm still not as bad as Old Snake, but I was probably... hmm.. MGS3 Snake? Yeah, sounds about right.

Anyway, if the startled gasp and sudden shuffling was anything to go by, her lady Sparkle had heard me. Standing up from the ground, using the nearby bookshelf as a handhold, I rose to my full height of six feet. No, I'm not converting to metric, fuck you. Turning my head perpendicular to my shoulders I cracked my neck as I usually do after waking, before stretching my legs and back.

Oh right, ponies ears are more sensitive than human ones, that would explain the kinda disgusted and pained look on Twilight's face as I popped everything I physically could, once I was done I looked down at her, raising an eyebrow and waiting for an explanation as to why I was here. Twenty bucks says it was her stupidity.

"H-hello there, Mr. uh.. creature. My name is Twili-" I cut her off, was it rude? Yes. Did I care? No.

"Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, yes yes I know. Now, before you ask anything stupid, why the hell am I here?" I was a tad bit agitated, waking up on a hard floor'll do that to ya. Also, the little face of shock I got from knowing her name and title was amusing.

"Oh, well, you must have been pulled here by my summoning spell, you see I was experimenting on-" I held up a hand again and interrupted, what can I say, I'm an asshole.

"Alright, don't care. Tell me right now, am I getting back home or do I have to get used to dealing with you fuckers?" She wasn't too pleased with my choice of words, but I didn't care.You see, right now the shock of the situation and lots of fanfiction reading basically let me just accept this whole thing and basically be my normal self. Maybe a bit more dickish, but eh.

Now, the good thing of all this was I read lots of stories, watched a bit of the show, and had a pretty good grasp of the characters. Which means a few things, first, no getting caught up in pony bullshit. Second, it makes me valuable as I can offer help in determining a proper course of action that may not be seen by the ponies when they go pants on head retarded. I'm sure there's a third in there, but maybe not.

"Well, uhm, I'm not quite sure. The spell was only meant to pull an object of some kind from a separate reality, and so it didn't really have instructions on how to send such an object back to its place of origin." She explained, I could see she was nervous of my reaction. Both due to how terribly easy these ponies are to read, and because she was bloody sweating.

"... Neat... Alright, I'm gonna go fuck someone over, if you can't spot me in a crowd you're bloody blind." I turned away waving a hand back at her, adjusting my jacket as I walked over to the doors, before Ms. Experiments called back to me.

"W-wait, you can't just leave. I don't even know your name, and since you are from another reality, I've got a lot of questions." She said, frantically waving about a notebook in her lavender magic field. Why do all the damn fanfic authors have to be right. I'm looking at you, Mr. Whatmustido.

"Names are... irrelevant, call me Zealot. And as for your questions, you've pulled me into your world against my will and without my consent, tell me one good reason I should do anything you ask at all?" Was my eloquent and very reasonable response to her very unreasonable request.

"W-wait, how can a name be irrelevant, how else are you supposed to know who you're talking to?" She asked, a look of cunfuzzlement on her face. Alright, I would answer this one.

"A name means nothing on a battlefield, after a week, no one has a name." I replied mysteriously, in one of what I'm sure will be many references to MGS3. What, it was awesome, you can't deny.

Leaving her to wonder over how what I had said makes any kind of sense, I pushed open the library door. Walking outside of the tree house I was met with the bright glowing rays of the sun, combined with the technicolor aesthetic of the town.

"Fucking hell!" I half shouted, raising a hand to cover my eyes. You see, I don't go out much. It's both because I'm lazy and because, being descended from many pale skinned peoples, sunburn was a very real possibility no matter what. Why do you think I don't like going to the beach? I don't tan, I burn.

Moving my fingers gradually out of the way of my eyes, letting them adjust to the bright light of the sun, I finally dropped my hand to my side, getting a better look at the area around me. No, I'm not going to regale you with any descriptions of cartoon art beauty and how it's a dream come true.

As I stood there in front of Twilight's workplace/home I simply crossed my arms, adopted a annoyed stance, and said with as much pure sarcasm as I could, "Oh, this place is going to be just charming to live in, in'it?" Should I stop trying to be British with the way I speak? Yes. Will I? Fuck no. Sorry mate, but I can't embrace the brutal combat part of my Scottish heritage, might as well get the accent.

With an uncrossing of my arms and a shake of my head I decided to walk about town, maybe find one of the six, or five as the case would be, and point out them being retarded. What? I've already explained, I'm a dick. Ask anyone I know, except for that one guy... that one guy isn't a good judge of character, at all.

So, I was walking down the street when out of the corner of my eye I saw a stallion creeping out of sight, it was then I noticed that most every pony was gravitating away from me. I didn't mind much, to be honest. I was a completely foreign entity to their basically closed country hamlet, and change is not always an easy thing. Didn't mean I appreciated the murmurs of 'monster' or 'demon' that I heard when I walked past.

Sadly, as has been stated, I am not the most athletic of people and as such would not like to test my luck punching a horse. Didn't mean I wouldn't kick one of the fuckers when I got some boots. Good foot protection Converse sneakers do not make. So anyway, I just kept walking, no real direction or anything, before senses honed from years of gaming alerted me to something hurtling towards me at high speed.

So, you know how in all these stories RD is real hard to not get tackled by? Yeah, I don't get it. I just stepped two feet to the left and she crashed right into the ground, rent a trench through the earth from the impact force. Gotta say it looked pretty cool. So anyway, standing over a crashed and burned RD I just nonchalantly dusted off my jacket, before saying in the most smart ass voice I could, "You really need to work on your aim, Skittles." Before I walked down the street again.

I may or may not have taken a bag of what felt to be bits off her person, pony, same thing. What? Playing Fallout and Elder Scrolls is guaranteed to make you a kleptomaniac, especially to an enemy whom I had 'defeated', at least I didn't try cutting off her limbs for something, like in Minecraft.

So yeah, there I was, walking down the street an unfamiliar weight of golden coins in my jacket pocket, whistling a Green Day tune. So, I was doing that. And then I was suddenly floating through the air back to where RD was laying in this hole in the ground. Ah, Twilight, do you have to be such a bitch?

"What did you do!?" She shrieked at me, fucking shrieked, staring down at RD, I guess she was passed out or something, anyway, that seemed to make Twilight pretty nervous and worried.

"I didn't do fuck all, she's the one who decided to bite the dust." I responded, crossing my arms and tapping my foot against the ground. I didn't have fuck all to do, that doesn't mean I wanted to be interrogated.

"What do you mean!? You must have done something, Rainbow Dash is one of the best fliers in all of Equestria!" Jesus, Twilight really did like questioning my answers didn't she? Not my fault RD never learned how to do a divebomb.

"Look darlin', your little friend here decided it would be a good idea to try and take me down, tried divebombin' me from a few hundred meters up. Now, I don't know about you, but my bones can get broken from shit like that, so I stepped out of the way. And here we are, with your idiotic pal lyin' in the dirt, probably got a concussion if nothing else. We done here?" I explained, as I was doing so I could see Twilight's expression change until it eventually settled into strained resignation, yeah, she knows RD does this shit.

"Yes, we are. I'm sorry Mr. Zealot, I just.. well.. you're kinda an unknown here and I just wanted to make sure you didn't hurt my friend." I snorted at her response but nodded and gave her a pat on the head. What? I wouldn't condemn them for trying to protect each other.

"Also, it's just 'Zealot', I ain't old enough to be a 'Mr.', got it?" She simply nodded her head in understanding, taking up Dash in her magical field, presumably to a hospital. Hopefully nobody would notice her lack of money, or lack of a coin purse entirely.

I kept on walking, I was good at it after all. hands in my pockets, epxression unreadable and some Black Sabbath playing in my ear, my long legs made for long strides as I walked to the outskirts of town, I'd find one of three things; Fluttershy, AJ, or the Forest of Doom. Yipee ki yay.

I might not even make it that far, I'm sure Twilight has already sent message after message to dear ol' Sunbutt asking for her to check out what or who the fuck I am. But for now, well, for now I'd switch to some Green Day and practice my singing. Welcome to Paradise...

Author's Note

I got bored, I'm on vacation at the beach and since I basically said fuck sleep I decided to take up another project. Yes, yes, I know I ain't got no right, ain't gonna stop me motherfuckers. So anyway, you can expect this one to have less spontaneous win on my part. I will restrict the 'me' in this story to only what I knew before I left for the beach. Which means that nothing I've learned in these three days and on will be in this thing.

This also means you get to see more me and less what I would be, which means this may be rated 'M' at some point for lots of sexual references. What can I say, it's the age of the internet.

Chapter 2: Equestria Is A Terrible Vacation Spot

So, I was walking through the forest, it was actually pretty nice and meant I didn't have to deal with the sun. Years of playing vidya games in dark places gave me passable night vision, so I was cool walking through that dark ass forest. Of course, I didn't just wander like an idiot, I stayed away from anything blue and changed direction upon seeing any footprints.

It's times like these I really wish I had a knife, knew how to use it, and could hunt. I mean, let's be honest, unless I manage to live in the palace and they keep meat on hand for carnivorous ambassadors I won't be getting any, and I fucking refuse to be a vegetarian. Nothing against vegetarians, of course, but I gotta eat all that unhealthy and fatty food before I stop growing and start gaining weight, ya know?

I eventually came across a clearing of flowers. Thankfully they weren't poison joke, instead being a beautiful turquoise color. The sun shining down upon this tree ringed grove of flowers was a wondrous sight to gaze upon, and I savored it. I lowered myself to my knees in the center of this grove, and brought a flower to my nose. It was then I realized that my sense of smell is practically nonexistent, and tossed the flower away with a 'meh.'

The beams of sunlight reminding me of my hatred for such, I rose to my feet once more and walked off to the right. Why? Because right is always right except when it's wrong.

*****

So yeah, I basically just kept walking for a while until I reached that river, you know the one, and while I was contemplating what I was gonna do I found myself somewhere else. That somewhere else happened to be Twilight's library, surrounded by the Elements and the Princesses. Oh joy.

"This is the creature you spoke of, Twilight?" Celestia asked the Purple Pony Princess, who replied with a nod. I simply crossed my arms and shifted to stand more comfortably.

"You know, it's rather insulting to call another sapient being a 'creature', as a Princess I would have assumed you to know of such social faux pas, but apparently not." For those of you who don't know, a 'faux pas' is basically when you fuck up in polite conversation. Like, calling an intelligent person a 'creature', see where I'm going?

Rarity seemed rather surprised at my knowledge of social etiquette, understandably so considering I've never been one for social interaction. The Princess also seemed rather ashamed at her slip up, before containing herself and offering an apology.

"You are correct. I would like to offer my sincere apologies for my rudeness, I've just never had to deal with a situation like this before." That was her excuse, eh? Well, that's bullshit for sure. She's had to have had dealings with the other races, which means that indeed she's had to deal with a situation like this.

"Hmph, I'm sure. Anyway, I would like to inquire as to your reasoning behind forcibly pulling me from the quite pleasant stroll I was having." Even if I don't respect them, royalty did deserve slightly fancier speech patterns, wouldn't you agree? To answer my question, Twilight stepped forward a sheepish look on her face. So that's what sheepish looks like, huh.

"Well Zealot, the Princess had wanted to meet you, and I'm sure you'll agree that we wouldn't want to make her wait." Ah Twilight, you are just so ignorant to my not giving a fuck, aren't you? As I said, I don't quite respect the princesses. Reason being, I ain't a citizen, now am I?

"Actually, I don't agree. I was out having a nice time, and I couldn't give a damn about her waiting on me. Next time, why don't you use your head instead of forcing things on people, eh?" I may or may not have given her a 'are you serious' look while I was saying that. What can I say, my face is made for frowns and glares.

"Hey! Who do you think you are telling the Princess to wait!" Enter Rainbow Dash, stage right. The annoying brand promotion flew right up into my face and started yelling at me, fuck's sake man.

"Skittles, if you don't get outta my face right now I will punch you, understand?" She may have been glaring daggers, but she backed off after I said that. "Anyway, I think that I am myself, and I am no subject of your Princesses. As such, there is no expectation for me to care about their wants, such as time. Got it?" My explanation garnered a few gasps of disbelief, more glaring from RD as well as some from Lulu, an outright shocked look from Twilight, and a slightly bemused smile from Celestia.

"Not every day someone doesn't kiss the ground you walk on, eh?" I said to Celestia, a slight smile on my face matching her own. She made a reply by way of a quite giggle and a shaking of her head. Well, if I was gonna stay here then there was gonna be a lot of that, I guarantee it.

"But anyway, I'm here now and I don't plan on walking out at present," I turned to the two people of power, those being the Princess, and raised an eyebrow, "so, what exactly do the two of you want?"

"Well, when Twilight spoke of a new... uhm... person, that she'd never heard of before I thought it best to come down and see you for myself. I'm sure you can understand that I must make sure not to allow anything that could cause harm to my ponies to stay in my country. I will say other than your sharp words, you don't seem that dangerous." You know, I'm not quite sure if she was insulting me or complimenting me with that last bit, I just gave her a little nod of understanding.

"Eh, my people can be damn violent when we need to. That being said, I don't believe I'm ever going to need to. And in all truth I'm more a lover than fighter, or author, as the case may be."I replied with a shrug, as I mentioned my 'occupation' as an author I saw Twilight's eyes light up in excitement. Oh, I've fucked myself now, haven't I?

And so with another bemused smile, courtesy of Celestia, and plenty of glaring received from the rest of those in the room save for Twilight, we began the hours long session of questions.

Twilight of course was curious about my writing, to which I replied that I touched on subjects such as the end of the world and the overthrowing of political leaders. If you're reading this I assume you understand what I mean by that.

Pinkie, whom I allowed to ask questions before all else, asked such simple questions as my favourite foods and candies. She was a bit surprised to hear that my favourite cake was lemon vanilla, perhaps because it's not the most common of flavorings. Likewise she was surprised to hear of my love for mint chocolate chip icecream. Well, I can guess she's planning a party.

During explanations for Pinkie and Twilight I had spoken of some of the things we Humans have accomplished, flight and the moon landings and such. This of course garnered lots of questions from Skittles and Moonbutt, which I tried to answer as best I could. I've never been one for aviation, and other than the basics I didn't know much about space. Having forgotten much of what I had read in my younger years.

Fluttershy asked about the creatures on my planet, and once she got past her surprise at our being the only sapient race on the planet, she soon grew quiet with thought. As I had suspected, she took my being omnivorous better than everyone, save for Celestia. I don't understand why so many authors portray her to be terrified of carnivores, considering what she spends all her time doing.

Applejack was wondering about our agricultural situation, and I answered her questions as best I could with my limited knowledge. I dredged up a bit of information from school on improvements we made to our farming over the years, and shared them with AJ much to her delight. I think the background pony is starting to grow on me. I mean, she got points for being polite and thankful, so.

I kept Raribitch waiting till the end. Now, I'm sure a lot of you out there love her, but I personally just hate Rarity with a passion. My hatred grew as she tried to tear off my jacket and clothes so she could 'Burn these travesties of fashion', a growled threat of bodily harm made her stop.

I decided to be nice, however, and offered an explanation and lesson that even though she thought she was providing a service, most normal people wouldn't be so keen to accept the 'help' of someone forcing them to do something they didn't want to. She calmed down a bit more after I said that I may have some work for her at a later point, assuming she could rein in the... what's the word... whatever you call her obsession with other people's clothes.

After a quick look out the window we all saw that this session of questions had lasted into the night, a quick look at my watch confirmed that it was now 1:25 in the morning. After some quick discussion between Twilight and herself, Celestia made it known to me that I would be staying at the tree house/library for the time being until proper accommodations could be made in the castle.

Tia was even so kind as to promise that they would stock meat in the palace for when I came over, and that they would ship some down her for the time that I was staying with Twilight.

While we may not be the best of friends yet, I feel that I had made some progress with the elements, and so as they left for home and sleep I bid them all farewell and a good night's rest.

Soon after everyone had left Twilight went up to bed, and I was left to my own devices, I had been told where my room was, sure, but I wasn't sleeping. Making my way into the kitchen, I rummaged about until I found some apples and pears, and made a nice little meal of them. I was a tad bit hungry seeing as how I hadn't eaten all day.

My snack had, I ventured out into the main library so as to read up on some relevant subjects, such as magic use and manipulation. What? If I was gonna be here, I was gonna try my damnedest to learn magic.

Author's Note

So, at current I'm not 'allowed' on the computer, so whilst my parents are away I decided to write a bit on this little story of mine since it's easier to do in a short amount of time than my main story and the other self insert I have.

I hope the lot of you enjoy this, and I bid you all adieu.

~ Your friendly neighborhood author, Zealot

Chapter 3: First Trip To The Palace

As I said before, I did not sleep that night. Rather, I spent my time reading and messing about in Twilight's lab. Yes, she did actually have one, which I found surprising. Maybe her lab is canon, I don't know, I didn't watch the show all that much. But anyway, I decided to mess around with some new found knowledge and lots of volatile chemicals.

Oh, by the way, never give me volatile chemicals. But anyway, after about an hour I had magical C4 and some napalm. What was I going to do with these two things? Absolutely nothing. For the C4 the reason was more an inability to use than a lack of will to. You see, just as with real C4, the magical stuff, which I had dubbed 'Sparkle Bombs', were incredibly... ah... what's the word? Inert? Hm, no, no, I got it, stable. Sparkle Bombs were incredibly stable and as such needed something like a blasting cap to make 'em go off.

Sadly, I had not yet found out how to make blasting caps. The minute I do however, mining operations shall begin. What? Did you think I was gonna blow someone up? I may be a cunt, but I'm not a murderer, geez. Nah, I was gonna do some Minecraft style shit and explode my way to any valuable gems and or ores.

The napalm on the other hand I just couldn't find a good way to use. I've always wanted to make some after a few questionable youtube videos, and now that I had, I just couldn't find a use for it. Maybe sometime I can make a flaming pentagram or something and freak everyone out with some ritual to Satan or somethin'.

Why no, I am not a Satanist, I just think it's funny. And yes, I know the pentagram has its roots in Pagan stuff, and is in fact to ward off evil spirits and shit, that doesn't change the fact that most people see it as a symbol of devil worshiping. Although, to be fair, Christianity did its damnedest to make it that way. Ah, religion, how we thank thee for fucking people over.

Not that religion is bad or anything, it can give people hope and a purpose, but personally I'm agnostic. Anyway, away from touchy subjects such as stuff and more on to blowing shit sky fucking high. If you didn't imagine that in an Australian accent, then there is no hope for you.

But yeah, until more research was done, nothing would be getting asploded. Anyway, seeing as the sun was rising and I didn't really want anyone calling me out on my love for things that go boom, I decided to hide away all my creations in the most secure place I could think of. No, not under the bed. I found a steel locker with a key, chucked all the stuff inside it, locked it tight, and pocketed said key.

*****

I got about thirty minutes of rest. Not sleep, rest. I don't fall asleep very fast or easily, so it was really just me relaxing and closing my eyes, listening to the sounds of nature and doing my best to keep the sun from hitting my eyelids. Seriously, I'm gonna have to talk to Celly about making that thing a bit dimmer.

So anyway, I say thirty minutes because after a similar amount of time Twilight gave a small knock on my door before barging in, turning over to look at her with murder in my eyes, I was met with her grinning face. It's smiles like those and cheery attitudes in the morning like those that make me want to kill people.

It's not just that I'm not a morning person, because I am if you consider how late I stay up, I just generally hate cheeriness and happiness. It's nothing against people, it's just like, if you can see that the rest of us a tired and annoyed, at least keep your damn smile to yourself, aye?

But alas, nobody ever listens.

"Hi Zealot, say good morning to your first new day in Equestria!" Oh my god she even has the overly cheery and energetic morning girl voice, gah, I need a gun and the knowledge of how to use it!

Sitting up upon my bed I brought my hands to my eyes and began furiously rubbing, whilst muttering just loud enough for her to hear. "If you don't wipe the smile off your face, and the cheer out of your voice, I'll throw something at you." Sure, threatening my host who was also a winged unicorn princess wasn't the best of ideas, but as I said, I am a cunt.

Also, they are not alicorns. An alicorn is a unicorn's horn, whereas the proper mythological term for the Princess is Winged Unicorn, from some mythology or other. Funny eh, I remember the proper term, but not where it came from. Le sigh.

On a positive note, Twilight did stop smiling so widely. However, she did not get the cheer out of her voice. "Oh, come on Zealot, you gotta get up and moving. There's a lot you need to do to get ready for Canterlot, wouldn't wanna be a mess for the Princess, would you?" She just does not catch on, does she? She didn't even phrase that as a question, more like a statement but with that annoying enthusiastic voice I just hate. Argh, I'm gonna become the embodiment of loathing, aren't I?

"Twilight, I've told you once I've told you a thousand times. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn about your pony princess. Anyway, other than a shower and some food there isn't anything else I'm going to do to 'get ready' for going off to Canterlot. Also, since when was I going over there, eh? Nobody told me fuck all about that." With my eyes thoroughly rubbed clear, I was now blinking the blurriness from them as I once more popped absolutely every single joint in my body.

"Oh no, you've got a lot to do before you go. You need to read up on proper etiquette when addressing the Princess and the noble ponies, we also need to make sure you look your absolute best for the Princess, can't have you looking like you were dragged off the street. And the Princess told you herself that she wanted to speak with you in a more formal setting, you would do well to listen." She did have a point about my looks. I was a teenager, and as such hormones were a bitch. Thankfully acne wasn't a problem, thank you pharmaceuticals. But my hair was rather greasy, and I was a tad bit grimy from my walk through the woods. Also, my hair was just not right at all, it had gotten too fluffy and wind dried, and I didn't like it. A shower would do me good.

"Don't care about proper etiquette, darling, and I can clean myself. If you try and say or do otherwise I will punch you. Right in the face. I swear. Just show me to a shower, give me some shampoo and conditioner, and I'll be fine. Also, if you can just magic off the dirt on my clothes while I'm in there, it would help." She didn't seem to be too happy with being told to fuck off about her lessons, but after a bit she just gave a longsuffering sigh and nodded. Pointing out my room to a door across from it, she went off to get shower supplies.

Stripping down while she was away, I walked over to the door and opened it, revealing a rather nice bathroom, although obviously a guest one. Strangely enough, everything inside seemed just the proper size for me. Well, okay, a bit small and short, but then, many things were for me. Ah, the downsides to height.

Closing the door behind me I began to fiddle with all the things inside said bathroom, making sure I had towels and that the water was of a bearable temperature, stuff like that. Some few minutes later Twilight was knocking at the door, which I opened to receive a bottle of shampoo, a bottle of conditioner, a bar of soap, and some brushes... some brushes that were for cleaning one's coat... Goddammit Sparkle.

Telling her of my clothes and receiving a grunt as reply, I stepped into the lukewarm water of the shower. Which I promptly turned up to being actually hot. I was a nice house guest though, I didn't take any more time than I needed. Which was about twelve minutes. Before turning off the water, stepping out, and using four damn towels to dry myself. At the end of that my hair looked like Billie Joe Armstrong's. From some 21st Century Breakdown and up, not American Idiot. I was actually supposed to get my hair cut the day I wound up in Pony Land. Le sigh.

Receiving words from Twilight that my clothes were clean, I wrapped some towels about me and retreated back to my room. Getting dressed in my familiar shirt and jacket, along with my jeans and socks, I got to work messing about with my hair. At the end of five minutes, I stepped out looking damn good.

After a bit of shock at my dramatic change in appearance, Sparklebutt asked if I was ready to leave, and whisked me off to the Palace.

*****

You know, teleportation isn't as bad as everyone says it is. Sure it's a tad jarring to suddenly be falling a bit, and onto a new surface no less, but there isn't any sickness or the like that you see in so very many stories. Or I was just a really lucky motherfucker, that's also a possibility.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Sparky popped us right into the middle of court? The court that was in session. With lots of now wide eyed and shocked ponies. Whom then proceeded to either faint or run about screaming of monsters. No? Well, she did. I've got this strange feeling that throughout my time here I'm going to end up damning every single person I meet at some point or another.

Putting my hands in my pockets and doing my best to lean back on nothing I surveyed the havoc around me. Amidst the panicking, dear Tia was trying to calm everyone down, and upon failing spectacularly, resigned herself to facehooving furiously. Geez, that does look painful.

Eventually I got annoyed with all the screaming and decided to get people to quite down. "Will all of you shut the fuck up!" I am still amazed, to this very day, that upon my saying that every single thing in the throne/court room stopped immediately. Everyone stopped running and yelling, people rose from their faints, fuck, even the Princess was looking at me with wide eyes.

"Now, I don't know what's the problem with you lot, so I'm gonna assume it's about me," taking the looks of fear and whimpering into consideration, I surmised this to be correct, "now, I'm hearing lots of stuff like 'monster' or 'terror' and, besides being very angry at you all, I would like to point out that I have done literally nothing." I began to gesticulate with my arms to drive home my points. "I've not attacked anyone, I've not eaten anyone, I've not tried desecrating that decor with bodily waste. So, if you could all calm right the fuck down and be reasonable, that would be appreciated." Again to my everlasting surprise, everyone did what I said.

They picked themselves up, dusted each other off, gathered up the mess of papers that had been thrown about, and offered a sincere apology, well, sincere for stuck up entitled nobles, anyway. Although that one earth pony with an apple on his ass actually seemed genuine. Jesus, how big is AJ's family?

"Now. I would personally like to apologize for this intrusion by my colleague and I. This being said, the two of us have business with the Princess that is relatively urgent, so I would ask that you all calmly exit the room and begin planning your schedules for an appointment at a later date. Thank you, and I am truly sorry." I must be much better at convincing people to do stuff than I remember, that or I'm a commanding person all of a sudden. But anyway, the lot of them filed out with minimal fuss, although there was some grumbling and cursing, but that's to be expected.

Once everyone left both Twilight and Celestia looked at me, mouths wide, mouthing something. "What's that? Can't quite hear either of you." I prompted, which was the cue for the two of them to get their shit back together.

"H-how did you do that?" Twilight asked me, still befuddled as to my amazing speech skills. Well, to be fair, I'm still amazed as well.

"Gift of the silver tongue my dear. Or something like that, fuck if I know. So, Sunbutt, what'd ya want from me?" I glanced up at Celly whilst rolling my shoulders, she had composed herself far quicker than Twilight and was now looking down at the both of us with a bemused smile upon her face. Snout. What the fuck is a horse's face called?

And thus began a very long winded conversation about how the Equestrian crown would work to get me back home, questions on what I would do until then, some questions about me home, personal questions like favourite pastime. Of course, the answers to their questions led to more questions and eventually wound up with me explaining the internet. That was not fun, by the way. Mostly because Twilight decided it would be a fantastic idea to tackle me.

Oh, and I was denied a room at the palace because Twilight wanted to 'get to know me better', I'm gonna end up burning her house down sometime, I just know it.

Author's Note

Yeah, I don't really know. I never had a plan for this chapter, just, go to Canterlot. I liked the whole speech bit, but other than that I didn't really have anything planned. I don't know where I'm going with this story, in case you couldn't tell, mostly because I'm a very boring and lazy person and I refuse to write the show. What I mean by that is, I'm not going to write out alternate versions of the episodes from season 4 or whatever resulting from my being there.

Maybe I'll come up with an idea laying in bed listening to Green Day, maybe not. I've got an encounter with the CMC I kinda wanna do, and then something else with me actually learning to play guitar.

Oh, and I posted a comment about this since this chapter wasn't out at the time, but; I see there are six like and six dislikes, and whilst I don't mind the dislikes I would prefer that you also include a comment telling me what it is you dislike, so that I may fix it and in the process become a better and more entertaining author. Thank you all, and goodnight. ~Zealot