Tables Have Turned

by JoeShogun

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Romance
Length: 22882

Twilight discovers that Spike is...growing up. A quick retreat to the local pub ensues.

Many a year after the her little chat about birds and bees with Celestia, Twilight discovers that, to her dismay, Spike has hit a certain critical age. Forced to face the dire prospect of her little brother growing up, Twilight turns to her old mentor for help. Fortunately for her, Princess Celestia knows an expert on the subject...

In the meantime, Twilight seeks solace in the company of her old friends. In the bar. With plenty of cider.

As before, this story is about sex, but there's not any in it. It's an anthology of sorts, following up on the story of how Twilight learned about sex with the stories of how her friends learned about the same. Technically it's a sequel, but I tried to make sure it stood on its own.
Pic is by me. I'm still working on the whole 'art' thing.

Published 2015-08-30 02:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-11 21:50:59 UTC

Tables Have Turned

Twilight gathered up her purchases for the day; groceries mostly, along with some writing supplies and a few extra odds and ends, and piled them all into a bag. She made her farewells to the clerk and worked her way through the bustling customers to get back outside. She checked the last few items off her ever-present lists, then stopped to look around for Spike. Ah, there he was, in the market’s garden.

Spike had elected to remain outside while Twilight did her shopping. He did that sometimes, when it was crowded. Long gone were the days when he was small enough to just hop up on Twilight’s back and ride along. Twilight missed that sometimes, though she couldn’t quite say why. It was certainly more convenient, having an older, bigger, more independent assistant. And he was big now: tall, long-limbed, and growing broader by the day. But still…

Twilight had been about to call out to him, have him help her with all this stuff, but she hesitated. He was looking away from her, staring intently at something she couldn’t see over the crowd. He sat on the edge of the town fountain, his awkwardly lengthy limbs hunched up into a in a classic ‘thinker’ pose. Deciding to have a little fun, Twilight crept up behind him. Maybe she could give him a little scare.

Twilight snuck up behind Spike, edging silently up to the side of her quarry. She had assumed he was just staring off into space, as he often did these days. He had that look about him; intrigued, maybe a little confused. He was tapping his pinkie claw against the scales of his lower jaw like he did whilst pondering those unknowable things that teenage dragons pondered. He was usually rather reticent on the subject; his accustomed response to questions on what his idle thoughts were about was ‘Nuthin.’ Sometimes he wasn’t even that articulate. It was maddening.

Finally sidling up next to her victim, Twilight took a moment to follow his eyes. Oh hey, there was Rarity, standing at Applejack’s cart. She facing away from them, laughing at something her friend had said. Splitting her attention between Rarity and Spike’s eyes, Twilight watched as Rarity’s tail bobbed about with her movement. Spike was following it closely. Er, no, wait. He was actually ogling her…

Twilight’s brain deadlocked in a timeless moment of spastic panic as ten or twelve different impulses all tried to force their way out at once. Twilight felt a surge of embarrassment, for him or for herself or for both, she couldn’t tell. It was shot through with inexplicable anxiety, and maybe a bit of… pride? Part of her wanted to smack his gaze away like a scolding mother, another wanted to calmly advise that, nice as the view was, it was impolite to stare in public. A third made her kind of want to give the little guy a hoof-bump for having good taste, if nothing else. Yet one more demanded that she run away and pretend she had seen nothing. Nothing! The sum result of all these conflicting impulses was a simple, anticlimactic “Grrk!”

Spike popped out of his reverie, whatever it may have been. His eyes went wide as he took in Twilight’s terrified stare. To his credit, he immediately jumped to his feet, spines bristling.

“Twilight!? What’s wrong? Are you-“

“Hahaha I’m fine! Just fine! I just um…” ThinkthinkthinkIdon’tknowrunaway! “I have to go!” And with that, she turned tail and fled straight back to the library, recently purchased graceries scattering behind her as she ran.

Spike blinked once, then slowly returned to his seat on the fountain with a raised eyebrow. He watched her run for another second, swishing his tail through the cool water.

“Weirdo,” he concluded. Spike figured he should probably give Twilight a few minutes to get over whatever thing she was freaking out about this time. You got used to this sort of thing after a while. Anyway, what had he been thinking about? Oh well, probably wasn’t important.

~~~

Twilight Sparkle slammed her own door open and bolted straight for her writing desk. She cobbled together a parchment, pen, and ink, and hastily began scribbling out a letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have a huge emergency and I really need your help and I have no idea what to do! This is a total disaster! The fate of all of the stuff forever could be at stake here! It’s Spike! He’s

Twilight paused over the scroll, heaving for breath. Her initial frenzy of fear was spent, and Twilight finally started to catch up with herself. She stared at what little she had written, willing herself to stop and think. Twilight thought back to that look on Spike’s face. Intrigued, but…confused? She tried to remember what had gone through her head in those panicked seconds. She frowned, looking again at her words.

It’s Spike! He’s…Well, he’s what? Checking out the best-looking pony in town? Doing something that’s completely normal for his age (or any age, for that matter)? He’s…there was a lump building in her throat. Twilight tried to swallow past it.

He’s…

Growing up.

It was hard, much harder than she could ever have guessed, to write those words. But it felt…well, not good, but right, to put it out there like that. On a page. Where she couldn’t ignore it anymore. She took another deep breath and wondered…When had this happened? How had it snuck up on her like this?

Twilight thought about that time he’d left the library to join the other dragons in their migration. It seemed crazy now, that she had just let him go. Not that he’d ever really been alone of course. Twilight and her friends had followed him the whole time, but still. It hadn’t gone the way he’d wanted. The other dragons had turned out to be jerks, and Spike had learned a bit about the nature of family, but Twilight could tell the whole experience had affected him. How could it not? That must have been awful, but he’d never really wanted to talk about it…

And even before that, there was that whole thing with his hoarding reflex. What was it like, to grow that fast, to get so huge and powerful in a matter of hours, and then have to choose between all that might and your friends? What stopped him from doing it again? Why hadn’t she ever thought about that?

She thought about the day she had given him his own room. Well, she’d mostly just kicked him out of hers. Once she’d started bringing home dates, she’d pretty much had to. Twilight had helped Spike clean the little storage room out and make it his own. He’d been so happy. She’d gotten the feeling he’d wanted it all along, and just never said anything…Was it then?

And, more to the point, there was this thing with Rarity. Everypony had just assumed his little episode of puppy love would pass once he got older, but it never really had, had it? They’d all just pretended not to notice. Nopony ever talked about it. He was a dragon, after all, and she was a pony. That had been terribly unfair of them, hadn’t it? It wasn’t like he had a whole lot of options here in Ponyville…

How had it snuck up, then? Well, it hadn’t. She’d chosen to ignore it. Duh. The signs were all there. Had been for years. This little freak-out she was having was just her finally having to admit the obvious.

Twilight floated the letter from her desk to hover over the trash can. She almost dropped it in, but her librarian’s instinct held her back. Be a shame to waste a perfectly good scroll like that…and, now that she thought about it, that panicked bit of scrawl was honest, if nothing else. It expressed her feelings better than anything she could write intentionally.

Please disregard the sentences above. I was panicking a bit. You know how I get when I don’t understand things.

So…

This has been going on for quite a while, of course, but there was a particular event that forced me to realize that my baby dragon isn’t really a baby anymore. I was out with Spike this evening, and I noticed him

Twilight wrestled with how to say this part.

I noticed him taking a great deal of interest in certain parts of a certain pony’s anatomy. More so than usual, that is. As you can surely tell, I did not respond to this as well as I might have. It seems he and I will have to have a talk about this soon, and I must admit that I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to go through with it. I know this isn’t your favorite thing to talk about and, finally, I see why. I mean, logically, it should be easy, but…it’s Spike. He’s always been my little guy. I guess

That lump in her throat came and went as she ran the next sentence through her head. She waited for it to pass before she continued.

I guess I can’t really call him that anymore, can I? Any advice you have to give on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

Ever your faithful student, even if I do have wings,

Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Was that too brusque? Too informal? Twilight fired up her horn and sent the letter, refusing to give herself time to worry any further. Celestia would understand, even if it wasn’t perfect.

Twilight sighed and busied herself with cleaning up the perpetually growing mess that was her study, letting her mind work on the Spike situation in the background. How in the hay was she going to do this? His being a dragon in a world full of ponies certainly wasn’t going to make it any easier. Actually, now that she thought about, she had heard about such things before. Oh, right, back when she had gotten this talk from Celestia. There was that book. The one with the pictures. She’d have to ask to borrow that; the Library didn’t have one, what with all the foals in town.

It wasn’t five minutes before a return letter *poofed* into existence and bounced lightly off her head.

Huh. That was quick.

With only a bit of trepidation, Twilight unrolled the scroll. She could hear Celestia’s benevolent amusement from the very first word.

Dearest Twilight Sparkle,
Ah, yes. That wonderful/nightmarish rite of passage that we call ‘the talk.’ I seem to recall a similar situation that came up between a curious little filly and her very indulgent teacher. Of course I’d love to offer advice on Spike’s emergence into adulthood! My first suggestion is that you take a moment to think about this from his perspective. Consider that Spike may not much like having to discuss these things with you. You should not be offended by this. Imagine how you would have felt if you had had to learn such intimate tidbits from say, Shining Armor.

Twilight pondered that for a bit. She hated the idea that there might ever be things unspoken between her and Spike, but…Ugh. That would have been awful. She returned her attention to the letter.

Fortunately, I just happen to know somepony who is quite, shall we say, proficient in this area? With your permission, I’ll forward this letter to Luna. She’s a bit of an odd one; she is the only being I’ve ever known who enjoys giving the talk. She loves it! If you should choose to do it yourself though, I have a few more words of hard-won wisdom for you.

With much love and commiseration,

Princess Celestia.

P.S. You don’t have to worry, Twilight. He’ll always be your ‘little guy.’

There was that stupid lump again. Twilight tried to ignore and it read that part about Luna again. Huh. That…hmm. Twilight would have loved to pawn this task off onto somepony else, honestly. It was just, Luna was so…Hmm. What if she…Ya know what? Celestia knew what she was doing.

Right?

Twilight grabbed a quill and penned a reply before she had time to stop herself.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

Twilight Sparkle.

And with a quick burst of violet flame, it was sent. The die was cast. The deed was done. The decision was ma—

There was a quick knock before the door opened.

“Are you good now, Twilight?” It was Spike of course.

“Oh, um, sure! Why wouldn’t I be good?” responded Twilight, with masterful subterfuge.

Spike looked at her through bemused eyes.

“I have no idea. Anyway, I—”

There was a sharp *BAMF!* as Luna, Princess of the Moon, popped into existence atop the library table. Even her magic spoke in the Royal Voice.

“Ah! Sparkle!” said the alicorn. “Tell us, where is the ‘little guy?’ We are very enthused to have this Talk!”

“I, uh…” intoned both Spike and Twilight.

Luna glanced eagerly about the main chamber of the library. On sighting Spike, her smile widened in glee. She hopped off the table and wrapped an arm about his shoulders.

“Come with Us, young adventurer! We shall guide thee on a wondrous and magical journey into an entirely new world!”

She looked back at Twilight.

“Perhaps We could have use of the library for a time?” Luna watched Twilight expectantly. She gave a little flap of her wings, politely but quite irresistibly shooing the smaller pony out the door.

Twilight fidgeted for a bit. Spike was giving her something of a ‘why are you leaving me with a crazy pony’ look, but…Not knowing quite what else to do, Twilight darted around Luna and inflicted a quick, awkward hug on the dragon. Then she turned and, for the second time today, fled the scene…

A Strategic Retreat

…Straight to Pinkie Pie’s house. Well, it was Sugarcube Corner, but same thing really.

“Hiya, Twilight!” called the baker, chipper as ever. She was busily doing something or other behind the counter.

“Oh, uh, hi, Pinkie.” Twilight glanced around as she walked uncertainly forward. The place was empty, except for her. Hardly surprising this late in the day.

“Whaaaaaaat can I getcha?”

“Um…” It wasn’t until now that Twilight stopped to consider why she might have come here first. “Actually, I don’t really even want anything to eat. I just…” She didn’t know what else to say, so she just stood there for a second.

“Huh.” Pinkie gave an exaggerated tilt of her head. “Well, that must be because…something’s eating you!” The pink pony clapped her hooves together, then hurtled forward, grabbing Twilight and tossing her onto a stool that had at some point materialized near the counter. Reappearing behind said counter, Pinkie began methodically wiping down a mug, and asked “So. What’s eatin’ you Twilght?”

Was she going for a bartender thing? Twilight didn’t bother trying to figure her friend out. She had plenty of other things to worry about. Things like… “Well, I just got kicked out the Library by Luna.”

“Mhmm,” said the wise barkeep, who had heard it all but was always ready to humor her favorite patrons.

“Because she…well, she wanted to talk to Spike about-”

“Wait!” interjected Pinkie. “This sounds like a job for…”

Pinkie let the suspense build for a bit.

“A party?” guessed Twilight.

“A PARTY! Or just a night out with some friends who will totally help you get through whatever’s got you down! Same thing! Get to the pub, STAT! I’ll get the girls! GOGOGO!”

Twilight couldn’t help but smile as Pinkie rushed her out the door. This was why she came here first. Pinkie wasn’t exactly the best listener, but she was great at making a pony feel better. Yes, maybe a little night out was exactly what she needed.

~~~

Thusly did Twilight and friends end up taking over a big, round table near the back of their local pub. And, consequently, did the following conversation ensue.

“Ssssso,” said Rainbow Dash, eyeing Twilight. “Not that I mind an excuse to sleep in tomorrow, but what’s the occasion?”

“Hah. As though you need an excuse,” said Rarity. “But I must admit I’m curious as well. Pinkie wouldn’t say anything more than that you were in desperate need of solace.”

“Oh, well, I wouldn’t go that far. It’s just that I saw Spike, er, that is…” Twilight pointedly did not look at Rarity; she didn’t want to embarrass the little guy, er, Spike, any more than necessary. “I mean, it’s just…Spike is…You know, he’s growing up.” That last part came out a little faster than she intended. When Twilight finally looked up, she saw sympathy and amusement on the faces of her friends.

“Ahhh,” said Applejack, leaning back in her chair with a smile and fanning herself with her omnipresent hat. It was rather crowded, and therefor warm, in the pub this evening. “I gotcha. Rough stuff, that.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Pinkie. “He took forever! Dragons must age super slow or something!”

“Yeah, I guess so,” agreed Twilight. “I never really thought about it, but he’s seventeen already isn’t he? Augh, when did that even happen!?”

Her friends murmured various sounds of agreement. Rarity reached over to give her a friendly pat on the shoulder.

“There there, darling. I’m sure you’ll handle it better than I did. I remember the day I found out Sweetie Belle had a boyfriend.”

“Hah! You just ‘bout killed that poor colt!” Applejack chortled and slapped the table. “Pretty sure he’ll never date a filly again after that mess.”

Rarity sniffed disdainfully. “And he deserved every bit of it. Showing up to a date with my little sister dressed like that.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “So, Twilight. You catch him, uh…” Dash raised both hooves and made a profoundly dirty gesture with them.

“What!? Ew, no! I don’t even know if dragons do that! I mean, with the claws? How would they? Jeez, Rainbow!”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “Yeah, I’m gonna guess they’ve figured out a way by now. But anyway, what’d you see him doing?”

“I, uh. Well…”

It was Fluttershy, of all ponies, who saved her. “You don’t have to tell us. No need to embarrass anypony. Or dragon.”

“Psh. Buzzkill,” responded Rainbow. There was a moment of silence at the table as Twilight smiled gratefully at the yellow pegasus. Twilight decided she had best get things moving again before Rainbow Dash made any more lewd gestures.

“So, maybe I’m only asking because I’m trying to figure out what to do, and we can talk about something else if you girls want, but…” Twilight threw back maybe half a mug of cider, thumping the thing down decisively. “Actually now that I think about it, we’ve never really talked about this. Anyway, how did everybody else learn about sex?”

Wait...that wasn’t going to prevent lewd gestures at all, was it?

Twilight received a wide variety of reactions to her question. A quick laugh from Rainbow Dash, a wry grin from Applejack, something unreadable from Rarity.

“Well, you brought it up, sug, so how ‘bout you start?” suggested Applejack. “You’ve never been shy about that sorta thing.”

“Hm. Fair enough." Twilight smiled fondly at the memory. "Ok, so, one time, I stayed at the castle when I was supposed to have gone home, and I walked in on the Princess…”

Author's Note

Twilight's little adventure is detailed in the prequel, to be found yonder. Check that out if you'd like to know more.

Applejack: Rural Education

Her friends stared at her with varying levels of disbelief as she finished her tale. Twilight looked back blankly. Now that she thought it, it was kind of crazy to be telling this story, wasn’t it? Well, too late now.

“Wowee!” It was Pinkie Pie who broke the quiet. She elbowed Rarity with a grin. “I told you the Princesses knew how to party.”

“Uh, yeah,” responded Twilight, with a light blush. “I still haven’t gotten around to trying all the stuff she told me about.”

“I imagine few ponies have, Twilight. Except for maybe a certain scandalous earth pony to my right,” said Rarity, with a wave in Pinkie’s direction.

“I totally have!”

“I do believe I’d rather like to meet this Purple Prose, though,” said Rarity, fanning herself lightly.

“Might be a bit outside your age bracket, Rarity,” responded Twilight with a wry grin.

“Fine wines only get better with time, dear.”

“Man, what is it with you and older ponies?” interjected Rainbow Dash. “I have enough trouble with dates tiring out as soon as the real fun starts and they’re only as old as I am.”

“Oh, there’s a lot to be said for experience,” put in Fluttershy, to the mild surprise of all involved. “Work smart, not hard, right?”

Rarity nodded. “And besides, Dash, that’s what you get for dating for nothing but pegasi.” She grinned slyly. “It’s all about speed with them.”

Before Rainbow Dash could protest that she had no such standards regarding the race of her partners or otherwise rise to that particular bait, Twilight turned to one side, asking in a voice that was loud enough to drown out the rest…

“So how about you Applejack?”

“Hmph. Well, mine’s a bituva two-parter, I suppose.” replied Applejack, gesturing with some help from a tankard of cider. “Anyhow, I was out doin’ some light work in the fields, which was about all I was big enough for at the time…”

~~~

A much younger Applejack shoved another basket full of ripe, red fruit into place. She was just about done for the day, which was good ‘cause the barn was just about full up now. She wiped her brow, which accomplished little other than to move some of the sweat and dirt on her head to a slightly different location, grabbed an apple out of the basket, and turned around to head back. A noise, a grunt or something, caught her attention as she munched on her snack. Probably just the cows. A herd had wandered in a yesterday, and would surely wander off by tomorrow, as was their way. They were fairly dull creatures, in her experience, but Applejack had been raised to be a good neighbor, so she turned their way and gave them a wave. They didn’t react much, which was hardly surprising. The grunting was still going on, and it was now punctuated by a loud bellow.

“Now what’re they on about?” she asked to no one in particular. Applejack paused a moment to give the herd a closer look.

There were twenty-five, maybe thirty of them. Mostly heifers, of course, and a few young ‘uns. The bull was the one making that racket. His back was to her, and he was…Applejack tilted her head and tried to figure out what in the hay she was looking at here.

The bull appeared to be stuck on one of the heifers. Or, more like he was trying to climb up over her, but couldn’t quite make it? Over and over again. Seemed to be having a good time of it though. So did the heifer, from the look of her. The other cows didn’t seem to care one way or another, though a couple did whisper back and forth to each other, exchanging gossipy grins as they gestured to the action behind them.

AJ took another bite out of the apple. “Huh…”

Granny Smith and Big McIntosh were approaching, each head-pushing a basket of their own.

“Hey Big Mac! What’re they doin’?” asked Applejack, pointing at the noisy pair of bovines.

McIntosh stopped his work and looked up and over in his typical fashion. Which is to say, slowly. Then his eyes kind of bugged out and shot very quickly back down to the basket.

“They uh…I dunno. Nuthin’.”

He proceeded to shove his half-barrel of apples much more quickly than before, staring fixedly at the ground the entire time.

Applejack raised an eyebrow. That was different.

“Come on now, let’s head inside, AJ.” Mac ushered his little sister toward the house, pointedly not looking back toward the herd. This was made difficult by them being in plain view, right near the road that led home.

“What’s ‘at now?” asked Granny Smith, looking up from her basket at the siblings.

“Nuthin’ Granny, just headin’ ho-“ He was interrupted by another ecstatic bellow from across the way. Mac winced. Granny cocked an ear and looked over toward the noise.

Applejack jumped on the opportunity to go over her brother’s head. “What’re they doin’ Granny?” Granny Smith was usually more forthcoming than him about, well, pretty much everything.

Macintosh looked distinctly uncomfortable as his grandmother adjusted her glasses for a closer inspection of the cows. There was a brief pause, and then…

“Hah! What’s the matter boy,” she jabbed Mac in the ribs with an elbow. “Jealous? Yer a big ‘un son, but you ain’t ever gonna match up to a bull. Er maybe ya got a fancy for one them heifers? Eh?” Granny snorted another laugh and said to Applejack, “Don’t you worry about what they’re up to for now, girl. Granny’ll tell you alllllll about it sometime soon.”

~~~

“Hah! Seriously!? That’s how you found about sex? From a couple of cows doin’ it?” Rainbow Dash slammed her mug on the table and cackled.

“My word,” said Rarity, “That sounds absolutely dreadful.” Her friends pretended to ignore the minor blush that she was attempting to fan away.

“Yeah, dreadful. Anyway,” began Dash, “Who’s up?”

“Story ain’t done yet, beggin’ yer pardon,” interjected Applejack, directing a glare at the pegasus. “That ain’t how I learned about it, eg-sactly. That was just somethin’ I saw one day.”

“Well then why’d you even tell us all that?” asked Rainbow.

“Cause it’s per-tin-ent,” she said, over-pronouncing the fancy-sounding word in her idiosyncratic style. AJ had been trying to expand her vocabulary lately. “And it’s mah story an’ I’ll tell it how I want.” She thumped her stein on the table as though that settled the issue. “Anyhow, it weren’t ‘till later, after I saw somethin’ else, that I really learned what was what.”

~~~

This time, it was in the evening. It had been a ways since the last story, and Applejack was out chasing off various crop-eating critters with the help of a little pup named Winona. They’d been at it for a half hour or so when Winona’s ears perked up at what sounded a bit like a scream. High pitched, and not loud, but still. It was oddly out of place in the otherwise idyllic scene. Suspecting there might be trouble, Applejack set the farm dog to work.

“Go find ‘em Winona! I’m right behind ya!”

Winona ran off towards the barn, with Applejack falling in behind. The dog barked every few seconds to keep her pony on track. When Applejack caught up to her a few moments later, Winona was sitting outside the barn, staring into the slightly ajar door, head cocked to one side.

“What’d ya find, girl?” she whispered, creeping up on the entrance. Winona looked over briefly as Applejack scratched her head. There was someone in there, that much was clear. AJ could hear a feminine voice, and occasionally a deeper bass. But what they doing? A lot of panting going on. Some kind of exercise? Wait, was Mac having one of those dances that she didn’t get to go to because she was ‘too young?’ Well, she’d show them to have fun without her! Applejack threw open the barn door.

“I know what yer up to! You can’t…uh.”

This…was not a dance she was familiar with. It was, in fact, eerily similar to that thing she’d seen those cows doing a while back. Except it was Big McIntosh. And some mare. Frizzy mane, all pink…Was that Cheerilee? And they were a lot closer than the cows were, so Applejack could see what was actually happening there and Cheerliee was screaming now and-

“Dang it, Applejack! Get outta here!”

-and Big Mac was hollering at her and Applejack was suddenly running away.

~~~

“HAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome!” Rainbow Dash beat her hoof against the table several times while she regained enough composure to speak. “You were right, Twilight, we should have had this talk years ago!”

“Oh,” whispered Rarity, blushing rather more deeply than before. “My.”

“Oh, it keeps goin’,” said Applejack.

~~~

Big McIntosh slunk toward the door and poked his head through the farmhouse entry. He saw Applejack at the dinner table, staring at him wide-eyed. She could guess what he was thinking; Dang it. He saw Granny Smith on the other side of the table. She looked angry. Double Dang it. Even little Apple bloom was there. She waved at him happily, being still too young to speak or understand much. Dang it again.

“I am very disappointed in yew, young feller,” began Granny, with a frown.

McIntosh, with typical aplomb, said nothing.

The moment hung about for a bit. Then…

Granny Smith’s glower broke down into a friendly smile and a jovial laugh. “Alright, enough of all that. That was just me havin’ a little fun is all. Ain’t nobody in trouble. Git in here stud, we gotta have a chat. I figure yer sister oughta hear it too.”

~~~

“Aww, man, you got it from Granny Smith!?” cackled Rainbow Dash. “That might be even better!”

“I’d love to see a transcript of that conversation,” interjected Rarity. “I can only imagine the ah, colorful metaphors.”

Applejack ignored them, being too busy grinning into the depths of her cider mug.

“Well, if y’all wanna hear an even better story ‘bout Mac...That uh, that weren’t the only time I walked in on him. Ya’ll keep this one to yerselves though, right? I ain’t never told nobody this story.”

Her friends leaned in.

“This was a few years back, ya see…”

~~~

“Hooooooo-wee!” The door slammed shut behind Applejack as she weaved through it. “That sure were a hootenanny, if ever I saw one.”

It was the aftermath of the latest town festival, and Applejack was quite drunk. These things happen.

She rummaged through the kitchen for a bit, with no particular goal in mind. While seated at the table, halfway through eating a fritter or something, an idea occurred to her. Wait, when had she gotten a fritter? Was that what this was? Didn’t matter. Mac was gonna love that joke Pinkie'd told her earlier! It was crucially important that she tell him about it, right now.

Applejack stumbled up the stairs to her room. It was tricky on three legs, because apparently she had decided that she’d better bring the fritter or whatever with her, and also…Oh yeah! She was going to Mac’s room. Right. Bouncing off a wall or two, AJ found the door to her brother’s room and unceremoniously kicked it open, announcing…

“Hey Mac! You gotta hear thiAAAAAHHHAHAHA!”

Applejack stumbled backward into the hall, laughing madly. She backed up blindly until she hit a corner and then fell gracelessly onto her butt.

“Sorry Heartstrings!” Applejack waved to the nebulous forms before her. Mac was dating Heartstrings or something right? He’d mentioned her anyway…Applejack had failed to close the door on her way out, but it rapidly slammed shut. “Didn’t mean to interrupt!” She was still laughing and picking herself up off the floor when it cracked open and Big McIntosh thrust his head out. He fixed her with a glare fit to kill a dragon and whispered sharply…

“That! Ain’t! Heartstrings!”

~~~

Everyone at the table had a good laugh at that, but they were starting to get concerned for Rainbow Dash. She had collapsed laughing onto the table a minute ago and was still heaving for breath.

“Did you ever find out who it was, that night?” asked Rarity, while they waited to see if Rainbow would survive.

“Nah, nah. Mac never really wanted to talk about it, if ya can imagine that.” Applejack took another pull off of her mug.

Dragging herself up from table, Rainbow’s first words were “I think this might be the best night of my life.”

“Why’s that?” asked AJ. “I mean, it’s a funny story an’ all, fer sure, but—”

“Because it was me, you dork!” exclaimed Dash, cackling again and collapsing back onto the table.

For one sublime moment of silence, Applejack stared mutely at her erstwhile friend. Her next word echoed through the tavern.

“Whut?”

“Wait, no,” interjected Twilight. “It couldn’t have been you, because I was the one with him when…” Twilight was cut off as Applejack’s scorching glare whipped over to her. “I mean. Um.”

“Whut!?”

“Oh…ohmygosh,” staggered Rainbow Dash. “It, it happened twice and you were so drunk you forgot about one of them!? Best. Night. Ever!!”

Applejack slammed both hooves onto table with enough force to shake the room, then bellowed “How many of the rest of you traitors done been bangin’ my brother!? And don’t y’all even try an’ lie to me!”

The entire bar went stone cold silent. A moment passed. Then another. Finally, a little, yellow, trembling hoof rose into the air.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know you’d be upset,” whispered Fluttershy from her hiding place under the table.

Applejack’s eye twitched. Her nascent stream of invective fell dead as more hooves slowly rose throughout the bar. There was Cheerilee, but she knew about that one already. Cloudkicker, of course, no surprise there. Heartstrings. Sweetie Drops. Mayor Mare? Mrs. Cake!? Mr. Cake!?!? Half the dang bar had a hoof in the air!

Applejack screwed her eyes shut and ground both hooves into her temples. After a while, she blew out a huge breath, finally opening her eyes as she fell back into her seat. “Double dog Dang it.”

“Aw, c’mon AJ, that’s not a nice thing to say. And besides he’s one of the only available stallions in town!” chirped Pinkie Pie. “You should be happy he’s making so many other ponies so happy!”

Applejack made no particular response other than to stare at the table in front of her for a while. When she finally spoke, it was to say…

“Yeah, fine, whatever…Somepony get me a drink.”

“Here ya go!” beamed Pinkie Pie, pouring her friend a shot of something dark, fragrant, and slightly unnerving. It seemed to ripple in the glass with a life all its own. Applejack picked up the bottle and read ‘Blackest Pit Whiskey.’ The tagline stated ‘You won’t remember nothin’!’

“Perfect.” The orange pony threw back her drink, choosing not to reflect on how Pinkie could have possibly had the perfect booze on hand, just waiting for this particular occasion. “Who’s up next?” She leaned back and stuck her head under the table. “How about you, ya hussy?” There was no actual malice in her voice now, just a sort of weary acceptance.

The clink of glasses and murmur of voices and all the other sounds of normal bar activity gradually resumed as Fluttershy inched her way up and resumed her place at the table.

Author's Note

You have Joe Shogun's personal experience to thank for most of Applejack's story.

Personal Experience - the most hilarious kind, for everyone but you.

Fluttershy: From the Outside

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear this,” chortled Rainbow Dash. “You do know where foals come from right, Fluttershy?”

“Oh, of course.” The pegasus put both hooves up on the table and smoothed out her napkin for no particular reason. “Mine’s not really much of a story though. I mean, it’s a lot like Applejack’s, actually. Except without that last part.”

Her friends looked on expectantly.

“Well, you see, after I fell out of the clouds-”

Rainbow Dash cringed a bit. She had always felt bad for the whole ‘knocking Fluttershy out of Cloudsdale’ thing, even if it had turned out Ok.

“-and landed near Ponyville, I made a lot of critter friends. So I pretty much grew up around them. And you know how critters are about this sort of thing.”

The ponies at the table exchanged glances, but it was Twilight who finally asked the question.

“And, uh, how are critters about this sort of thing, Fluttershy?”

“You don’t know?” The yellow pony tilted her head to one side. “We’re talking about sex right?”

Her friends nodded.

“Oh. I thought everybody knew. I mean, they’re basically doing it right in front of you all the time.”

Her friends continued to stare blankly. Applejack spoke first.

“Well, I mean…I know dogs and cows and such don’t much care who’s watchin’, but I can’t say as I can think of any other time I’ve noticed critters doing stuff like that.”

“Oh sure you can,” said Fluttershy sweetly. “You hear birds singing all the time right?”

“Uh, yeah…”

“And what do think they’re singing about?”

Applejack glanced about at her friends, not at all liking where this was heading. “…Trees?”

Fluttershy shook her head, smiling. Though she didn’t normally like to be anywhere near the center of attention, she was actually quite enjoying this conversation. It was nice to be the one with something fun to say for once.

“Wait.” Pinkie giggled. “You mean they’re…”

“Uh huh. Trying to hook up. Pretty much all the time. Birds and bugs and frogs and all kinds of critters. They barely ever sing about anything else. And that’s just the ones that sing. You know those funny little dances critters do? And how we talk about critters being…” she made little quotes with her wings, “In season? All that stuff is pretty much all about getting laid,” said Fluttershy, with a big, sweet smile. “You should see Angel when there are girl bunnies around.” She shook her head. “And ponies do things like that too, you know.”

Everyone at the table stared on, perplexed. It wasn’t just that the nature of their beloved critter friend’s odd but amusing behaviors had now been revealed so plainly, though that was unnerving enough on its own. It was the fact that Fluttershy, of all ponies, could be so blasé about a subject that apparently drove even the Solar Princess into fits of embarrassment.

Well, everyone except for Pinkie, who snorted into laughter, saying…

“That is SO COOL! Now everything I’ve ever seen is soooooooo much more fun! Every time I look out the window I’ll be all like ‘Which one of my critter friends is getting lucky right now?’ Maybe it’s all of them! Yay! Hmm. I bet there’s a party idea in there somewhere…”

“B-but,” sputtered Rarity. “Surely my Opalescence wouldn’t be so crass as to, to strut around like that in public?” Her face held a note of desperation, which Fluttershy did nothing to alleviate.

“Oh, I’m afraid so. Critters aren’t really very picky about who they, um, strut for. In fact, speaking of Opal…”

“Wait a second,” said Twilight. “You said ponies do that stuff?”

“Yeah,” put in Rainbow Dash. “And how are you even talking about this? I figured you’d be hiding under the table by now. Again”

“Oh, well, I see this kind of thing all the time, so it’s easy for me to see what’s going on between ponies too. It’s never been a big deal to me. I always wondered why everybody else was so uptight about all this.” Fluttershy shrugged as she answered Dash. Turning to Twilight, “And sure. Ponies have some of the silliest mating behaviors of all.”

“But that can’t be right,” began Twilight. “I’ve never heard of ponies…” Crooning poetry to each other under the moonlight. Sending clandestine letters while pretending to ignore each other in public. Pressing close together in a mostly empty dance hall, only to go home alone because it wasn’t the third date yet… Hm. Twilight thought back to some of the almost desperate lengths she’d gone to in the past, hoping to get some other pony’s attention. And the weird stuff some of them had done to get hers… Actually, it all did all seem kind of ridiculous, now that she thought about it…“Oh. Huh.”

Fluttershy smiled again, pleased that Twilight, at least, was getting it. "Some things are really obvious when you look at them from the outside," she said.

“Hold on. So…” Rainbow Dash was thinking so hard her wings started beating involuntarily. She asked the next question from six inches above her seat. “You can like, tell when somebody’s looking to get laid?”

Fluttershy blushed a bit. “Well, I wouldn’t want to brag, but…”

“Maybe we shouldn’t-” Rarity broke her conspicuous silence. It happened that she and Fluttershy had spoken on the subject of reading other ponies before, and she had concerns about where Rainbow Dash might go with this.

Plowing right through Rarity’s interjection, Rainbow Dash leaned in and, with narrowed eyes, demanded “Prove it.”

“Oh, well…”

“You don’t have to, darling. Rainbow’s just upset that you might be better than her at something.”

“Pfh, whatever.” Dash waved her off. “There’s no way Fluttershy knows more about hooking up than I do. Now c’mon. I wanna see this thing she says she can do.”

Fluttershy didn’t have much of a competitive instinct, but this was apparently just the right thing to say to set it off. Between the cider and the chance to humble her egotistical-if-loyal friend, the little yellow pegasus put on her game face and agreed to the test readily.

“Right! So, um…” Fluttershy gave the bar a thorough once over. “Ok, so, see those two at the bar there?” She nodded obliquely towards a bright orange unicorn mare, sitting on a barstool next to a rather less flashy earth-tone pegasus stallion. They were speaking casually.

The entire table turned to look, except for a certain white unicorn, who knew the rules of this game.

“Wait! Not like that,” squeaked Fluttershy.

The table froze, turning back to her.

“They’ll notice us looking. You have to be less obvious. If they know they’re being watched it ruins it. Ok?”

Her friends endeavored to be more subtle, with mixed results.

“Ok, so, see how they’re talking, and they’re next to each other, but they don’t actually face each other? And they only ever glance into each other’s eyes when they talk, and they gesticulate a lot?”

Nopony else had noticed any such things, but they nodded anyway.

“That means they’re friends, but not anything more. The stallion is telling a story about something, I think. He’s…wow, he’s really animated, isn’t he? Anyway, they both keep looking around the bar. So, I bet if two of you went over and asked to join them, they’d both be up for it.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack gawked at her as though she were some kind of alien creature. Pinkie and Rarity were smiling to different degrees. Twilight had conjured a pad of paper from somewhere and was taking notes.

“Do it again!” exclaimed Rainbow. “What about…”she glanced around. “That table of hot dudes over there?”

Fluttershy gave them a quick look. “Hm? No, I don’t think they’re looking for company. Well, stallions are kind of always looking for company, but, hm. I don’t know. I wouldn’t try this early. Maybe a little later though.”

“How!?” blurted out Dash. “How do you know!?”

Edging slightly away from her friend, Fluttershy answered. “Well, um, they’re r-really involved with each other. They’re all leaning in toward each other, see? And I don’t recognize some of them, so, maybe they’re friends visiting from out of town? That’s not usually a good situation for meeting new people. They might break off from each other later, if they start dancing or something. I think that one on the right might be looking, but I’m not sure. And his friends might run off any other ponies anyway.” She shrugged.

“Whu…what about those two?” Rainbow Dash pointed urgently to a pair of mares, one a mint green unicorn, the other a beige earth pony with an unusual two-tone mane. Rarity was about to jump in and put a stop to this, but Fluttershy perked up without missing a beat.

“Oh, Heartstrings and Sweetie Drops? Those two are a couple. And don’t point please. See how close together they are? They’re interesting though; they’re sitting close, they’re obviously together, but they’re not facing each other. See how they try to catch certain pony’s eyes as they walk by? They’ve got an open relationship, I bet.”

“Oh, I gotta get in on that!” Rainbow Dash pushed away from the table, clearly intent on abandoning it entirely.

“No!” cried Fluttershy. Such was the quiet intensity of her voice that Dash stopped in her tracks. “You can never use it like that!” she whispered.

“I, uh…” Rainbow Dash slid back into her seat, rapidly withering under the power of an Almost Stare.

“Just because you know something about a pony doesn’t mean you can run up and shove it in their face that way! You’ll embarrass them! Oh, I shouldn’t have said anything…” Fluttershy was now rapidly withering under her own Almost Stare.

“Well, ok, but…” Rainbow was thinking hard again, struggling to reclaim her usual level of Awesome. “What’s the point then, if you can know all that and never do anything with it? I mean, they’re an earth pony and a unicorn! All they need is the hottest pegasus in town and they’ll have the whole set!”She managed to fix Fluttershy with something that resembled an inquisitorial glare at the end there.

“Oh, it’s, um, it’s just…” Having lost her momentum, Fluttershy floundered.

“It’s just that you have to be subtle, Dash,” said Rarity, coming to the rescue. “It’s fine to know a bit of gossip and let that guide you into say, starting a conversation, but you can’t just run up to a pony and blurt out now much you want to, ugh, ‘bang,’ or whatever it is you always say.”

“Um, right,” muttered Fluttershy. “It’s a little, um, awkward. If you make it too obvious like that.”

Rainbow Dash was dubious, given that running up and blurting out how much she wanted to bang someone was her usual technique. It worked fine…mostly. Well, it worked sometimes anyway. She didn’t feel like thinking about the reactions she got when it didn’t work, so instead she asked…”So, you’re saying, that if I wanna get with that girl over there,” she gestured vaguely to the distant unicorn, “I have to like, pretend I don’t know she’s looking to get some of The Dash?”

“Um,” started Fluttershy. The Dash? Really? “Not exactly. How would you feel if some crazy pony you didn’t know just walked up and announced that she was going to, um, ‘bang’ you? You really shouldn’t use that word for it, by the way. It sounds, um, bad.”

Rainbow Dash pondered this. “I’d feel awesome. Unless they were fat or something.”

Fluttershy frowned. “That’s…not very nice at all. You just have to…Here, look. It’s easy.” She leaned back and kicked Pinkie’s stool, making it tip a bit. Pinkie shrieked and then giggled as she fell onto Rarity.

The green mare glanced over at the commotion. Fluttershy glanced at her now-entangled friends and then took the opportunity to look directly into the unicorn's eyes. She smiled with a little shrug. The pegasus’ friends watched, enthralled, as Heartstrings nudged her partner and returned with a grin of her own. Fluttershy glanced away bashfully, then looked back. They held each other’s gaze a moment longer before a small group of ponies walked between the two tables, breaking the moment.

Fluttershy beamed, with maybe just the tiniest hint of smugness, at the befuddled Rainbow Dash.

"See? Now she knows I'm interested, without me having to say it. Easy. And you should seriously think about the things you say, Rainbow Dash. You’re not better than anypony just because you weigh less. But I do agree that all those two over there need is the hottest pegasus in town. So, if you’ll excuse me,” said Fluttershy, pushing off her stool, “I’m going to go get us more drinks and maybe tell them I’m available.”

Rainbow Dash stared open-mouthed at her friend as she strutted off to the bar.

“Wow,” said Twilight. “Just…wow.”

“She sure is fun when she drinks!” said Pinkie.

“I…di-” stuttered Rainbow. “Did I seriously just get shown up by Fluttershy?”

“HAH!” cackled Applejack, swatting Rainbow with her hat as she poured another shot for herself. “You were right, Dash. This is a great night.”

Rainbow Dash: A Good Way to Start

“Well,” said Twilight, once Fluttershy had finally returned to the table. “That certainly was something. So, who’s up? Rainbow? Perhaps you’d like to reclaim your dignity with what I’m sure will be an amazing tale of awe-inspiring sexual prowess?”

“What? Oh, uh, mine’s boring. Why don’t we just skip me and go to Rarity or something.”

The other ponies glanced suspiciously amongst themselves. Rainbow fidgeted.

“Seriously Dashie?” said Pinkie Pie. “You love talking about doin’ it. Come on, buddy! It’ll be super fun to tell the awesome story of your very first Sexy-Time Adventure!”

“Naw, it’s just, I…urgh.” Dash ran a hoof down her face as she recalled the futility of trying to sidetrack Pinkie on those rare occasions that she set her mind to something. “You’re not gonna let this go are you?”

“Nope!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie with a chipper smile.

“I’m going to have to second that, Dash. I’m curious to know where you learned your self-proclaimed mastery of all things bedroom related,” commented Rarity.

“Suck it up, champ," put in Applejack. "We’re not leaving ‘till everybody talks.”

“Feathers," cursed Rainbow Dash. "Fine. But you can’t tell anybody else about this. Ever! Ok?” She glared around the table. Her friends all nodded, intrigued.

“Right. So, I was at the Summer Sun Celebration…”

Dang! She is sooooo hot!

Rainbow Dash, on Summer break before her last year as a student of the Cloudsdale Academy, stared up at the glowing and glorious Sun Princess without the slightest hint of shame. And why shouldn’t she? It wasn’t every day that the living Sun herself came to Cloudsdale to raise…herself. Was that how that worked? Were Celestia and the Sun really the same thing? Whatever. It was the Summer Sun Celebration, and the Princess was really showing it all off for this one. Rainbow was lucky; she’d gotten just the right seat to get an eyeful and then some of everything Princess Celestia had to offer. And it was quite a bit. It would be like, sacrilegious or something not to check her out, right? Totally. Ohhhhh she was doing that thing where she spread those big, luscious wings to full tilt just as the sun peaked to zenith behind her. So hot.

Rainbow Dash stared on even though it burned her eyes. She wanted to remember this.

She felt a nudge at her side, so she shuffled a bit to make room for whoever it was. She felt another nudge. Ergh! Trying to do a thing here, jerk!

“Nice view, isn’t it?”

Rainbow’s brain ran on auto while she tried to ignore everything that didn’t directly involve the totally amazing curves on the Princess. Girl’s voice. Maybe older? Sounds kinda classy, actually. Wings are touching. Hm.

“Huh? Oh, Hay yeah! I…”

Wait, never mind, Celestia’s beating her wings. Rainbow Dash tried not to drool. Oh. Wow. She really knows-

“My, my!” said the voice. “She really knows how to work those things doesn’t she? I always thought she was just a unicorn with wings, but…” The unknown pony sidled a little closer.

Probably getting crowded here, thought Dash shimmying a bit further to one side to make room. This was the best seat in the house, after all. That’s crazy though, I was totally just thinking the same thing.

Celestia descended, alighting with exquisite perfection onto the clouds beneath her. She slid into a magnificent bow, lowering her be-crowned head to just above the fluffy floor, spreading her wings again in a truly…inspiring display of, uh, regal majesty. That this left her hindquarters up in the air, all alone, by themselves, was not missed by the enraptured pegasi watching.

A thunderous applause finally broke the spell.

Rainbow blinked for the first time in maybe two minutes. When she looked around, everything seemed new and different, like she’d never seen any of these completely normal things before. Did the Princess do that? Dang. That was just…

“So what’d you think of that?” asked the voice.

“It was…” Words failed her, so Rainbow Dash resorted to snark. “Well you were there. What did you think?” She finally turned to look at whoever this pony was.

She laughed, and Dash momentarily taken aback a bit at the sight of her. Striking, and sleek of form. Maybe it was just that looking at the Princess too long made everypony look better, but still. Obviously some sort of athlete. She had a really nice smile. The pony was blue, a bit darker than Rainbow was, with long, smooth green mane. And a fine set of wings, of course, ‘cause, ya know, athlete. But a really nice smile too. Dash wasn’t sure why she noticed that.

“It’s hard to put into words, isn’t it? It’s like… Like I’m just seeing everything for the first time again.” she stared off into the sky for a second. Then she turned and looked Dash right in the eye. “Like everything’s a little brighter and more beautiful now.”

Rainbow Dash found herself suddenly very self-conscious.

“Oh! Sorry!” The bluer pony smiled a shy little smile and it was totally adorable. “I get a bit dramatic sometimes. I fancy myself a bit of a poet…”

“No, no, that’s cool, I guess,” said Dash, magnanimously. “I mean, I’m not into poetry, but yeah! That’s exactly how I would’ve said it! Except I’d have talked more about her wings.”

The green-maned pony laughed again. She had a nice laugh, too. She kind of had a nice everything.

“Exactly! They’re quite,” she waved a hoof, searching for the right word. “Big, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, totally!” Dash did a little hop in her enthusiasm, forgetting for the moment that she was supposed to be trying to look cool.

Alas, their mutual enthusiasm for Princess Celestia’s figure could only hold a conversation for so long.

“So you, uh-” started the unknown pony.

“So, I-“ began Dash at the same time.

“Sorry!”

“Sor-, uh, yeah.”

They both shuffled for a second.

“You go ahead,” said the pony, with an inviting smile.

“Sure. I…um.” Dash actually had no idea where she had been going with this, so she was secretly glad when the other pony picked up the lead.

“So, what should I call you?”

Rainbow Dash jumped at the opportunity to do something other than stand there like a dork.

“Rainbow Dash!”

“Ahh, the famous Rainbow Dash,” she said.

Dash perked up at the idea that people had heard of her, because surely stories of her awesomeness had spread by now, but she had to wonder…

“Um, famous?”

“My cousin’s in the Academy, and he mentioned there was a Rainbow Dash that had been breaking records. I suppose I could have guessed,” the pony gestured toward Rainbow’s mane. “You’re kind of hard to miss, with the pretty rainbow mane and all.”

Rainbow was so happy to hear she was famous that she almost missed the pony’s use of the p word. Rainbow Dash wasn’t pretty. She was athletic. And svelte, and robust, and lots of other stuff that basically meant ‘good at sports’. Pretty was even less her thing than poetry.

The other pegasus apparently noticed something in Rainbow’s expression because she jumped in real quick with “I mean pretty in a very ah, athletic way, that is. Good for racing”

That was better. Rainbow puffed up a bit and said “Well, I am pretty good at racing. And I’ve totally been breaking records!” There was a moment of silence after that. Wasn’t there something she was supposed to do when she met new people? Dad kept trying to teach her about this stuff…Social graces, had he called it? Dash couldn’t remember.

The other pony smiled patiently. Oh! That was it!

“So, um, what’s your name?” Asked Rainbow Dash.

The other pony’s eyes lit up, like she’d been hoping to be asked that. That must’ve been what Dash was supposed to do then. Nailed it! She puffed up a bit more.

“I’m Nimble Flit! It’s really nice to meet you, Rainbow Dash.” Nimble Flit put a hoof forward. Dash looked at it for a second before she remembered what Dad had told her to do. She picked up her own hoof and knocked it against Flit’s.

“Yeah, cool to meet you too, Flit.”

Nimble Flit looked at her like she had done something funny. Dash wasn’t sure what, but it probably didn’t really matter. “So,” asked Flit, “Did you have any plans for today?”

~~~

Rainbow Dash was looking a little ill. “Are you sure you guys wanna hear this?” Everyone had to lean in to hear her as she crept further and further behind her own hooves. “It’s really not any fun at all. I mean, I bet Pinkie’s story will be way bett-”

“Keep talkin’,” said Applejack past the sip of whiskey she was taking. There was not an ounce of mercy in her words.

“Oh, come now, Rainbow. It can’t be that bad.” said Rarity, equally adamant on hearing this story out.

“It wasn’t, I mean, it wasn’t that it was bad,” said Dash. “I just…” Pinkie Pie’s huge, friendly eyes bored inexorably into her. “Ugh, fine. But none of you are gonna tell anyone about this right?”

The answers varied between affirmation and amused ambivalence, but Rainbow pretended they all just said ‘yes.’

~~~

“Oh, sure. I was gonna, ya know, meet some friends. For the Summer Fair.” Rainbow didn’t actually have any plans, because she didn’t actually have many close friends. All of them were stuck with their parents or working for the summer, so Rainbow had figured she’d just wander the fair and do whatever she felt like. But it was suddenly very important to her to not look like some friendless loser, so that was what she said.

“I see,” said Flit. “I was supposed to meet some people too, but it turns out they all have other things to do today. Anyway, you seemed fun so I thought I’d ask.” She tilted her head and batted her eyes, turning the question into an invitation. Not that Dash comprehended any of that.

“Oh yeah?” Rainbow Dash played it cool. She totally wasn’t excited and nervous right now. Why would she be nervous? Just two mares going to a fair, right? “That sucks. Actually, my friends are all kind of being lame too. So, ya know, if you wanted to somepony to go with…”

Flit perked up at that, wings and all. “Oh? Well, since you asked so nicely, sure. Let’s go.”

Rainbow let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding.

“Why don’t we head to the races first? Or, I hear the games are good this year?”

Those were exactly the things Rainbow Dash wanted to check out, so that was what they did. First the one, then the other. Nimble Flit listened intently while Rainbow showed off how much she knew about the racers (especially the Wonderbolts!) and racing in general. She asked lots of questions, which was fine ‘cause it gave Dash an excuse to talk about it more, and she laughed at all of Dash’s jokes, which was maybe even better. For some reason.

Anyway, the fair games were good too. Rainbow won most of them, and Nimble Flit didn’t even get mad about it like Gilda and her other friends did. Rainbow wondered if maybe Flit wasn’t really even trying very hard, but she seemed to be having fun, so whatever. She pulled off a few upset victories of her own, actually, and that was totally cool too.

They did some other stuff, got some carnival munchies and all that, and watched a few shows. Rainbow kept finding Flit standing really close to her toward the end of the day, without Rainbow ever quite knowing how it happened. Maybe Flit was cold or something? Rainbow thought maybe she should offer to put a wing over her back. To, ya know, keep her warm. But she never did. That was a weird thing to think about doing anyway, right? Totally.

They caught a few more glimpses of Celestia as she made appearances and did Princess things throughout the day. They always made sure to stop and ogle her for a bit.

But after that, the sun set, and the day was over. Somehow, Dash was surprised. She was usually great at telling the time.

“So, I guess it’s about that time, huh?” said Nimble Flit.

“Time? Oh, uh, yeah, I guess so.”

They stood facing each other, and they both sort of puttered around a bit before Flit broke the strange-but-not-unpleasant silence. She gave Dash a sly little look just before she spoke, like maybe she had been waiting it out on purpose or something.

“So, I was thinking…”

“Yeah?” said Dash expectantly. She was unsure what, exactly, she was expectant of, but still.

“I, ah, I’m going to this dance thing tomorrow with some of my co-workers. I figure dancing’s not really your thing, but it’d be great to have somebody fun around.”

“Oh, uh, yeah? Ok.” Rainbow agreed a little more easily than she’d meant to, but that was fine right? It was just a dance thing. “I mean, yeah, I’d rather be flying, but sure. I could go to a dance thing.”

Nimble Flit smiled (almost like she’d known Dash was gonna say yes) and that was pretty great, and then told Dash where the place was, and when to be there and all that. And so, the next day, Rainbow Dash went to a dance thing.

~~~

“d’Awwwwwwww!” squealed Rarity and Pinkie Pie simultaneously. They had ended up hugging at some point during their outburst.

Rainbow Dash slunk further down her stool. She was practically under the table by this point, and whatever she was muttering was probably best left unheard.

“Heh,” chuckled Applejack. “She was playin’ you like a fiddle, huh? With goin’ to the races and such? How old did you say she was?”

“I didn’t,” grumbled Dash.

“Heh.”

“Right, yeah, totally. So I’m done now right? Next? Pinkie?”

“No way buddy!” cried Pinkie, having reclaimed her own seat. “What happened next? Spill it!”

Rainbow Dash groused belligerently and thoroughly before continuing.

~~~

So the dance they went to was Ok. It was a big birthday party, lots of ponies around, with music playing and tons of food and stuff. Bit of an older crowd than Dash was used to, and there was booze too, but that was fine, on account of her being so mature for her age and all. Flit introduced Dash to some of the ponies and griffons she worked with; they were a crew of freelance wild-weather handlers that was on some sort of vacation right now. They moved from place to place, making sure natural storms and blizzards and stuff didn’t get out of hand once they got too big or threatened to get near a city. This sounded pretty awesome to Rainbow Dash. They all kept talking about how nice to meet her it was, and how great Flit was, which Rainbow thought was kind of weird, but whatever. Anyway, Flit insisted on teaching Rainbow Dash some dance moves. That was cool and all, but dancing wasn’t really something Dash had ever gotten around to doing much of, so it was kinda, like, embarrassing to get dragged up on the floor in front of everybody with Flit all close-up like that and Rainbow having no idea what to do andanywayitwasfinemovingon.

Flit seemed to have really enjoyed the whole day, so that made everything better. She kinda teased Dash about the dancing, but she used some kind of magic to keep Dash from getting annoyed at her for it. Yeah, definitely magic. After the party, which must have started pretty late in the day because it was over way too fast, Nimble Flit asked if Rainbow wanted to go out and do something again sometime, maybe tomorrow? She must have used that magic again because Dash didn’t even remember to pretend she was busy. She just sort of said yes without thinking about it. Just before they went their separate ways, Flit asked a really weird question.

“Do you think you aren’t pretty, Rainbow Dash?”

“Wh…I mean, what?” sputtered Dash, suddenly feeling quite warm. Flit waited patiently, apparently not at all ashamed to be asking embarrassing questions like that.

“I mean, not really? Pretty is for, like, I dunno, for ponies that can’t be…I’m athletic.” Yeah, that was it.

Flit smiled, like she’d just gotten an idea or something. “Ok. I bet you can be both though.” The she just walked away.

Rainbow Dash stared after her, perplexed. Why would she go and say something like that..?

~~~

Anyway, they met up again the next day at a theatre for some sort of improvised comedy show. Flit had said something about it being kind of chilly, which it totally was, so they’d put a wing around each other and shared some popcorn. It was ~~kind of the best thing~~ no big deal. They met again for something else the next day. Rainbow hadn’t realized it until then, but Flit always seemed to have some new reason for them to hang out at the end of every day. Rainbow hadn’t suggested a single one yet. Should she? The only things she could ever think to do were pranks and work on her stunts. Flit didn’t seem like she’d be into that. And they were hanging out a lot, actually, just the two of them. Gilda had gotten mad at her about that. Dash didn’t like to admit this, and she’d never sabotage her friend by telling anyone, but… Gilda could be kind of a jerk to new ponies. Dash wasn’t sure what her deal was, but she got the feeling it would be a really bad idea to introduce her and Flit to each other. So she scratched that plan off the list. Alas, it had been her only entry.

Rainbow Dash wracked her brain for better ideas as she and Flit walked out of the little theatre and into the street. Flit interrupted her silent pondering.

“So, Dash, I’ve really had a good time with you these last few days,” she began. “But, the thing is…well, vacation’s just about up.”

Rainbow Dash didn’t much care for the sound of that.

“So I’m going to be leaving town sometime tomorrow afternoon.”

~~~

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaasp!” exclaimed Pinkie. “Tragedy Strikes!”

“Oh, shush Pinkie!” said Rarity, with a frantic wave of her hoof.

~~~

She said it so simple and matter-of-fact that Rainbow barely had time to spout “Wait? Wha-”

“But!” interjected Nimble Flit, smiling and raising a hoof to Dash’s lips, quite effectively silencing her. “I had something really special planned for tonight, before I go. Something just for you and me. Do you think you can make it my place at 7:00?”

“I, uh, sure?”

There it was again, that magic Flit had. Rainbow was saying yes before she could think. Something in the eyes, maybe? Had to be the eyes.

“Great!” said Flit. “I’ll see you tonight then.” And then, in a completely unexpected move, she leaned in real quick and kissed Dash. Right on the lips! And with that, she hopped into the air and flew away grinning.

…

“What?” asked Dash to no one in particular. “Wait, What!?”

~~~

“Heh,” chuckled Applejack.

“You shush too!”

~~~

Seven o’clock came and Dash was standing at Nimble Flit’s door. She had planned on kicking the thing in and demanding an explanation. Was Flit really leaving tomorrow? You couldn’t just drop that on somebody like that! And then there was that other thing she did…Alas, Dash couldn’t quite bring herself to kick down much of anything. Instead, she fidgeted outside for maybe a full fifteen minutes, psyching herself up. Why was she even nervous? Eventually, she remembered how to knock on a door.

The door opened slowly. Flit peeked out, as if she weren’t sure of who it might be. What was left of Rainbow’s indignation died the second she saw Flit smile at her. Darn it. How did she do that!?

“Hi! Come in.” She opened the door, revealing a dimly lit single room, cloud-floored and walled. Nice furnishings, like a pretty decent hotel. Dash didn’t really notice any of that though. She was too busy staring at Flit. Her mane was all done up in some kind of fancy…thing. Dash didn’t know words for that stuff, but it looked great. Really framed her face and showed off her neckline. She had a bit of make-up on, just enough to show off her eyes, as though they needed any more showing off. And her lips, for some reason…Anyway, she was wearing a glittery dress too. It was tight around the middle, but opened up and flowed out across the flanks and tail. It was light and floaty and mostly sheer. It was kinda…that is, well, Rainbow had never seen anybody wear something like that in real life.

Nimble Flit backed up to let Dash inside. “It’s kind of late. I was afraid you wouldn’t come. I know I sort of just ran off back there. I’m sorry about that.”

Still staring, not thinking, Rainbow answered. “Oh, no, that’s cool. I had stuff to do anyway.” Were those candles? That must be why it was so dim. Weird.

Flit’s grin widened a bit as she watched Rainbow Dash. “So ah, what do you think?” She did a little curtsy, flicked her tail a bit. “Pretty fancy huh?”

Rainbow broke off her stare and the give the room a cursory glance as the door shut behind her. “Oh, yeah. It’s uh, nice.”

Flit chuckled and her smile went from normal to…something else. “I meant me, dummy.”

“Oh, yeah, totally. I knew that. You look…” She tried to think of something nice to say that wasn’t lame but Flit was smiling at her like that and her mouth went all dry.

“Nimble Flit, you look amazing!” said Nimble Flit, with that teasing grin. “You’re the prettiest mare I’ve ever seen!”

Dash laughed because she didn’t know what else to do. Was it getting warm in here? “Yeah, you uh, you kinda are,” she managed to squeak out. Ok Dash, take back the situation. Say something that isn’t stupid…“So what was it wanted to do?” Nailed it!

Nimble Flit looked at her as though she were some kind of completely charming idiot, so maybe she hadn’t nailed it at all. Or had she? In lieu of an answer, Flit trotted over to an old phonograph and dropped the needle. A slow, pleasant tune flowed from the bell of the machine.

“Have you ever dressed up, Rainbow Dash? Like this?” She ran a hoof down her diaphanous dress.

Dash watched that hoof intently. “What? Uh, no. Not really my thing. I mean, it looks great on you and stuff, but, I’m not pretty like that, so…”

“Well,” said Flit, with a wink. “Everypony should get to be a little fancy at least once, right? Here.” She trotted over to a closet and opened it, revealing another dress. “I think this would look really good on you. Try it on?”

“Uhh, sure?” Darn it, she was doing that thing with her eyes again! Before Dash knew what was happening, Flit was helping her into the thing. She was…she was really close. Flit sure smelled nice tonight. Dash said something about that, and Flit smiled, and that was about all Dash could remember about it. Anyway. Flit kept doing stuff like leaning over Dash’s back to tie something up, or running a hoof down her side. Maybe dressing up wasn’t so bad. It was definitely getting warm in here though.

“There we go.” Flit looked her up and down. Dash really liked the look in her eyes. For some reason. “And let me just…” Flit leaned in close and ran a brush through Rainbow’s mane. She wasn’t sure exactly what Flit was doing with it, but after a minute or so, she declared her work done, and very gently placed a single rose behind Rainbow Dash’s ear. She looked Dash over again and smiled. “So. Take a look.” Nimble Flit walked across the room and flipped over one of those big, full-body mirrors that some ponies had. Rainbow Dash looked at her reflection.

Whoa.

Was that really her? No way. It must’ve be some kind of trick mirror, or maybe the lighting. Dash shuffled around a bit.

“Here, like this.” Flit struck a quick pose, like something a model would do. She really made it work, too.

“Um, ok.” Dash did her best to imitate Flit’s stance. And from what the mirror was telling her, she did a pretty good job. Dash smiled in wonder. She looked good. She switched through another pose, and then another one, just to see.

Flit sidled up in beside her, leaning up close enough that Dash could see them together in the mirror. “Hey! I thought you said this wasn’t your thing.” She poked Dash’s side playfully. “That’s what I wanted to do. You can be pretty if you want.”

Rainbow didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t her thing. She was fast, sure. Everybody said so. They all told her she was tough, and a great athlete. But this, this looking good stuff? That was for other ponies. Everybody said that, too. How come nobody had ever told she could pull this off?

“I…thanks, Flit.” It just came out. Dash smiled at herself a little. It really wasn’t for her, this whole ‘pretty’ thing. It wasn’t who she was. But that was Ok. It was nice to know it could be, if that’s what she wanted. What everybody else told her didn’t matter. And besides, maybe it could be fun to pretend, for a little while. “This is really...”

Come to think of it, Flit had tricked Rainbow into doing a lot of stuff she used to think was lame, hadn’t she. Dash looked at Nimble Flit, eyes all aglitter, and something finally clicked into place. “May I, um, have this dance? M’lady?”

Flit nodded, slow and graceful, smile widening. She took Dash by the hoof and led her into what open space there was. The song had changed to something quick, like a salsa or something. Rainbow kept up as best she could, letting Flit lead her around the room until the song changed.

Rainbow Dash had known about dating of course. She’d known it was a thing that ponies did. Along with all that…other stuff. But not her. It was just one of those things she’d never had the patience for. She could have, obviously; plenty of boys had tried to ask her out, and a few girls too, but she wasn’t into all that kissy-kissy nonsense. Who even had time for all that? All couples did was complain about each other. Gilda understood. Heh.

The next song was slower, some kind of leisurely waltz or whatever. Flit gently placed her wings under Dash’s, interlacing their primary feathers. She leaned in close, so close that Dash could feel Flit’s breath in her ear. They just held each other there for a bit.

“I really like you, Rainbow Dash.”

So it figured that somepony would have to come along and trick her into it. Dash felt like a bit of an dumbass for not catching on sooner, but honestly? That kind of thing happened a lot. She knew she maybe wasn’t brightest star in the sky. She’d stopped worrying about it a while back. Just like she finally stopped worrying about tonight, and anything that would happen after it. She had no idea what to do, and her heart was pounding like she’d just flown a marathon, but that was ok. She’d figure it out.

She wished she could think of something clever to say, but that wasn’t happening, so Dash just went for it.

Rainbow Dash looked Nimble Flit in the eye, and leaned in. Flit smiled.

“Here,” she said, guiding Rainbow’s lips to her own. “Like this…”

~~~

“And then we totally banged and itwasawesomeandcanIpleasestopnow!?”

“Oh don’t you dare end the story that way, Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Rarity.

Applejack was too busy convulsing with laughter to comment.

“Oh, come on! You want me to tell you everything we did? Haven’t you humiliated me enough tonight?”

“That isn’t humiliating, Rainbow,” interjected Fluttershy. “It’s sweet. I wish my first time had gone so well…”

“It’s ok Dashie, you can stop” said Pinkie Pie. Then, putting a hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder, she said, very seriously, “We all promise not to tell anybody ever about your unbelievably sappy first Sexy-Time Adventure.”

Rainbow Dash glared electrified, exploding, envenomed daggers at her former best friend. She pointed a hoof at the bottle of Blackest Pit. “You sharing that?”

“HAHAHAHAHA! Sure thing, buddy. But only if you own up to how old that gal really was.”

“She was…” Rainbow’s eyes shifted left and right, “In college. Or something. I dunno.”

“Oh yeah? Have a lotta time to take classes while she worked that storm-chasin’ job, did she? A job which, if I do recall correctly, requires a bachelorette’s degree, at least,” said Applejack with a truly infuriating grin.

“Auuugh!” growled Rainbow Dash. She looked about ready to strangle Applejack for calling her out on the lie. "Why does that even matter!?”

“It don’t,” said AJ, leisurely leaning back and thumping both rear hooves on top of the table. “Just thought it was funny how you’re all hot and bothered about it. Though it makes me wonder ‘bout why you aren’t the one into older ponies here instead of Rarity.” She poured a shot of the liquor and passed it over. “Good way to start, ya know. With an older mare like that.”

Dash toyed with the shot glass for a bit before responding. “Yeah, I…I mean yeah, it was good.”

“It’s cause Dashie wants to be the older mare. Duh,” conjectured Pinkie Pie. The daggers being stared at her were now barbed, in addition to being electrified, exploding, and envenomed.

“Well,” implored Rarity, “Did you ever see her again? Surely she didn’t just leave after all that?”

“All what? It was a weekend. It was just a fling, Rarity.”

“Sometimes it’s best that way,” began Fluttershy. “Big differences in age can lead to all kinds of problems. As long as Rainbow Dash had a good experience, that’s all that matters, right?” The little yellow pony’s friends once again stared in wonder at her knowledge of such things.

“Yeah, see? Exactly,” said Rainbow. “Everypony had a good time and that was it, alright?”

“You never looked her up though?” asked Twilight. “Cloudsdale keeps excellent records of it’s graduates. I bet you could-”

“AIright y’all, let’s keep this train a’rolllin’,” interrupted Applejack. “I reckon yer up, Rar’.” Rainbow Dash nodded a grudging thanks to AJ, then threw back her whiskey.

“Oh, fine,” huffed Rarity.

Author's Note

Loosely based on something an autobiographical story I read.

Second Hand Experience: Way better than Personal Experience.

Rarity: At Attention

Rarity took a moment to collect herself, smoothing out her already immaculate locks while she pondered where to begin. Applejack and Rainbow Dash shared a simultaneous eye roll. Everyone else waited patiently.

“Well, I suppose my first real lessons in amorous congress…”

Another eye-roll from across the table. This one was so hard you could almost hear it. Kind of a stone-against-stone grinding sound.

“Would have been when I was…” Rarity put a dainty hoof up to her chin. “Still in my teenage years, I suppose. Yes. So, as some of you may know, I went through a little phase around that age where I thought I might make a career for myself in the Royal Guard.” Rarity paused to make room for the inevitable waves of disbelief that always followed that confession.

“Hah!” barked Rainbow Dash. Applejack just snorted, but Twilight Sparkle perhaps put it best with her own contribution;

“The guard? Really?”

“Well, yes,” responded Rarity. “It was mostly for my mother, you see. She was in the guard for years, as was her father before her, and she just certain that I would be the one to carry on that legacy.”

“Wait, hang on,” interrupted Twilight. “Cookie Crumbles was in the Royal Guard? Like, the ponies that keep the peace and watch over Canterlot and protect the Princesses?”

Rarity sniffed at that. “Why yes, and I’ll have you know she served with distinction until such time as she decided that social work was her profession of choice.”

“She was a social worker?” asked Fluttershy.

“Oh yes, a stress and grief counselor, specifically. She helps ponies deal with life when their metaphorical cookies have crumbled."

“Oh.” Said Twilight. “Huh.”

“Eloquently spoken, Twilight,” said Rarity. “Anywho, at mother’s urging, I decided to join a summer camp for prospective guardsmares. That’s where I learned my fearsome hoof-to-hoof combat skills, in case you were wondering.”

No one quite knew what to make of that statement.

“And it was during that particular training, as it happens, that my story begins…”

~~~

“Hi-ya!!” yelled Rarity, grabbing hold of her partner’s gi collar and struggling valiantly to throw him to the floor.

The colt with which she trained politely fell over her hip to land lightly on the ground.

“Ok,” he said from the ground. “That was good, but you really need to step in further if you want this to work.”

“Augh! I’ll never…” Rarity stopped herself before she got any further into that sentence. Honestly, she rather loathed cadet camp, but if it had taught her one thing, it was that thinking you could never do something made it true. Rarity took a deep breath and attempted to quash her frustration.

“You’re right, Lance. Could you show me again, please?” she asked, batting her eyes.

“I…sure,” he said, rolling up into a standing position. “Ok, so you just, uh, you just get inside control, like so.” The dun-coated, ash-maned colt named Stout Lance slipped one arm around Rarity’s neck and the other in between one of her own arms just like they’d been shown. He was a bit older than her, and still just a private like her, but he was already making a name for himself as a sort of informal instructor for the other cadets. It was to be expected, as the guard was obviously his calling. His cutie mark was a lance with a shield under it. Not a whole lot of other careers that involved those. He was very professional for his age, too. He hadn’t once tried to ask her out, unlike half the other boys around here. Ugh. It was like they’d never seen a pony with class before. That was why she’d asked him, specifically, to help with this. He’d actually try to teach her, without it being an excuse to blunder through some terrible attempt at a pass on her.

“And then you either bait your opponent to try a charge, or you drag them forward, like this.” He stepped backwards with his rear legs, using not his arms, but his entire body weight to pull her along with him.

This was the part about the throw Rarity liked, the idea of using a pony’s own aggression and weight against them. It was just so elegant, like a dance. And true, it just happened to put her up close and personal with a fine looking gentleman of a pegasus, but that was entirely incidental, and shame on you for suggesting such base motivations! She was here to learn the arts of self-defense!

“And then, when they step in, you reach this arm around their back, jump your hooves in between their legs, like so,” he demonstrated, “and lift their belly up on your hips…” He did this, and then pulled sharply with the hoof at her collar and the one around her back simultaneously while he stood up high on his rear legs. “And toss!”

Rarity rolled smoothly over Lance’s back to land softly on the floor.

“Like that.” He smiled down at her. “See? All you have to do is remember like, six things at once. Easy.”

Rarity smiled back. She’d heard him use that joke before, but she graciously laughed as if she hadn’t, because that’s what ladies did. “Yes, I think I get it now.”

“Give it another shot.” He proffered a hoof to help Rarity up, which she took readily.

“Ok,” she said. “So I just…”

~~~

“Oh, for-Just get to the good stuff, Rarity!” groaned Rainbow Dash.

“Quiet you!” said Rarity. “As if yours didn’t take forever to get to the good stuff.”

“Whoa, hey now,” answered Dash, leaning in with a devious smile. “You were waiting to hear about me and Flit? Desperately? I didn’t know you were that kind of mare, Rarity.” Her tone indicated that she knew exactly what kind of mare Rarity was.

“Why, I’ll have you know..!”

“Why don’t we just, um, keep going with the story,” put in Fluttershy. She did a marginally better job than Dash at hiding her interest in where this story was going.

“Eeeeeeyup,” confirmed Applejack.

“Heh,” said Rainbow Dash.

~~~

Rarity set her arms up first. One around the neck, the other between his arms. “Like this?”

Lance seemed to be a bit distracted. He was sort of looking past her, instead of straight at her like he’d done before. He got that way sometimes, when he was working with other fillies. Rarity wasn’t entirely clear on what that was about, but she chose not to take it personally. “Uh, yeah, like that.”

Rarity stepped back, dragging him forward with her whole body, not just her arms. Their chests collided. “Oh, ha. Um, I was supposed to…”

“Yeah, just step in,” he said.

Rarity tried again, but this time, as he stepped in with her, she quickly reversed herself, thrusting her hips in and under his own.

“Aha! Like this, yes?”

“I uh, yeah,” he said. “And then you just-“

“Ok,” interrupted Rarity. “Let me just get this right. I sort of…” Rarity wrapped an arm around Lance’s body, made sure of her grip on his arm, and sort of wiggled her hips into what she thought was the right place. “Is this good for you?”

“It, um. Yes, that’s where they should be.”

Hm. He sounded a bit unsure. Rarity shifted herself a bit further back, to be as much under him as possible. She stood up tall on her back legs, just testing the weight. It was surprisingly easy to pick him up that way. In fact, the further back she went, the easier he was to lift. Good to know. “Is this better?”

“Y-yeah, totally.”

“Ok, here we go.” Rarity’s tail popped up as she exerted herself, pulling the arm, twisting her body, raising the hips. Had her tail hit something? No matter, probably just Lance’s leg or something. She felt him rise up, and over, and then fall solidly yet gracefully to the floor. She’d felt that before, but this time he’d been under her complete control the whole way! He hadn’t been being polite! She’d actually thrown him!

“WahaHA!” she exclaimed, falling down on him into what their trainers referred to as modified-scarf side-control. “I did it!” Rarity cried in victory. She looked down at Lance. “Thank you! I don’t think I ever could have done this without you!” She fluttered her eyes at him graciously, waiting eagerly for his response. It was sure to be full of glorious praise for her exemplary skills.

“Ha-yeah!” he said. “You totally did!” Lance shifted around uncomfortably for a second. “Hey, can I, um…”

“Stout Lance, are you quite alright?” asked Rarity. It was unusual for him to be so sparse with compliments on a job well done. Not the she’d been fishing for such things, of course…Had she hurt him? He was looking a little feverish, actually, and he seemed to be very interested in glancing at everything but her. Rarity leaned in close to get a better look. “Should I call someone?”

“N-No!”

The pegasus squirmed under her. This was all quite unlike him, really; he knew very well how to get out from under a pony if that was what he wanted to do. Maybe he really was hurt. Had she overworked him?

“I’m fine! Don’t call anyone! It’s just, I, uh…”

Rarity took the hoof that had been around his arm and drew it up to his forehead. It happened to brush his wing along the way. He froze for a second when it did, eyes flicking from his wing to Rarity’s hoof and then to her face. “Are you sure? Is there anything I can do to help?” Rarity noticed for the first time that his wings were extended out to their full span. They were actually pushing against the ground, like they were trying to lift him. It looked terribly uncomfortable. “Oh! I’m sorry” she said. “Here, let me…”

Rarity felt something poke between her shoulders as she leaned back to get up and off him. Odd, she wouldn’t have thought he could get a hoof to that angle. She craned her neck back to see, and…

“OH!”

Rarity scrambled up and off of Lance, accidentally trampling his face a bit in her hurry. She cringed, about to apologize, until she again noticed his…Her eyes followed what she first took for some kind of fifth leg back to its source. Oh. Oh wow. How did it get so much bigger like that?

“No!” cried Lance. “I didn’t-I mean-It just happened! I’m sorry!” He had flipped over onto his hooves and was trying desperately to cover himself with his wings as he backed away. It wasn’t quite working. His eyes flicked to and away from her own in a sort of shamed panic. “Please don’t-I gotta go!”

Rarity could only stare as he ran for the door of the dojo.

~~~

“Aw, seriously!?” sputtered Rainbow Dash. “Your first thing is some dude running away?”

Rarity’s right eyebrow twitched. “I don’t recall saying the story was over, Rainbow Dash.”

“It better not be,” said Fluttershy.

Everyone stared.

“I mean, um, please continue.” The self-proclaimed hottest pegasus in town smiled adorably as she attempted to shrink back under the table.

~~~

That might have been the end of the story, actually, but alas, the door slammed open just as the profoundly unfortunate Stout Lance reached for it. He reared frantically backwards, somehow managing to kick…himself as he went. He yelped in pain and flopped to the ground.

Rarity winced, feeling that she was somehow partially responsible for this, though she wasn’t exactly certain as to why, or what exactly this even was. She had heard about, ah, those, of course. But only a little. Girls do talk, obviously, but she’d written most of that off as gossipy nonsense. It seemed that other fillies were as ignorant of the inner workings of colts as she was. But now though…how did it…it’s just, they were so small usually. She never would have believed those things could actually-

Rarity’s musings were shut off sharply by a feminine voice.

“He-Whoa! Hey there, big guy!” said Corporal Sugarcoat. She was Rarity’s commanding officer, the one in charge of her squad of privates. She was maybe in her mid-twenties, and right now she appeared to be quite amused.

The rest of Rarity’s squad piled in behind Sugar to stare at their fallen comrade. It didn’t take long for the comments to start.

“Wow, girl!” said one, looking at Rarity. “What’d you do to him?”

“I knew you were picky, but, dang!” said another.

“Yeah, but look at the size of that guy!” threw in a third.

“Kind of is like a lance, isn’t it?” said the first.

“Ha! Yeah, he could totally win a joust with that thing!”

Rarity didn’t even know what to say. “What? I didn’t…”

“Alright, what’s all this!?” The barked question cut straight through all the banter. A moment later, the tide of cadets parted to make way as the large and intimidating form of Sergeant Occam stomped into the dojo. He took in the scene before him, looking from Lance to Rarity to the mass of cadets surrounding him, and snapped a single declaration.

“Privates! Out!”

“They sure are!” said some unwise cadet.

Sergeant Occam whipped his head around to the offender. “You owe me fifty push-ups, Private! Now move!”

The colt saluted sharply and the proceeded to run for the hills. The rest of the squad scrambled after, glad that someone else had drawn the Sergeant’s wrath. Rarity tried to follow.

“Not you!” he growled. “Me and you are gonna have some words, son.”

Rarity halted. Wait, no, he was talking to Lance.

Occam snapped his attention to Rarity. “You! Wait outside!”

Rarity jumped to obey. She saluted brusquely, then scampered out the door.

Occam slammed it shut behind her. A second later, Cpl. Sugarcoat inched it open and winked.

…

What did that mean?

Rarity sat there for a moment or two more before she stopped to think. Why was she out here? Why was anybody in trouble? Occam was yelling at Lance, which was frankly pretty normal, because he was always yelling, but why? Nopony had done anything. Well, certainly something had happened, but…She inched closer to the door of the dojo.

The Sergeant was ranting, because that’s just what Sergeants did, apparently, but what about, exactly? Rarity cocked an ear toward the door. Something about…this kind of thing being flagrantly unprofessional. Something about behavior like this sullying the names of good officers. Well, that wasn’t right! Lance hadn’t sullied anything! Rarity wasn’t sure exactly what had transpired in that room, but there certainly wasn’t any sullying going on. The more she heard of Occam’s rant, the more upset she was getting. She could have just ridden this little storm out, endured her turn, and called it a day. But then…but then Occam said something about this sort of thing ruining careers, and getting promising young stallions tossed back on their butts to their justifiably ashamed parents. And Lance wasn’t even defending himself! She could just imagine him, sitting there, trying to hold himself together while this, this bully yelled at him and threatened to throw him out on the streets! Well! If any career was going to be ruined, it would be hers, because she didn’t even want this stupid guardsmare job anyway! And she still didn’t know why everybody was being so crazy about what had clearly been some kind of misunderstanding!

Rarity reared up and kicked open the dojo door. She charged heedlessly forward, sliding to a stop a mere foot or so in front of her Sergeant. Occam had Lance backed into a corner, and the poor colt looked every bit as miserable as Rarity had imagined him; head down, tail tucked, wings pulled in tight. On a completely unrelated note, and Rarity wasn’t even sure why she took the time to notice this, but Lancer’s, uh, thing, was back down to its normal size. Possibly smaller than usual, actually. How did it do that? No matter! Rarity snapped her eyes up almost a full foot and a half into those of Sgt. Occam and fixed him with her most withering of glares.

“Outside, private!” shouted Occam. “You’ll get your tu-“

“That is enough!” She stomped one hoof. “I will not sit here and listen while you threaten this colt for no good reason! He has a cutie mark that is obviously meant for the guard and I will not have you deny him his career because of some nonsense that you think happened which probably didn’t even happen and I don’t even know why everyone is so upset and my Mother who is twice the guardsmare you’ll ever be told me that I have to stand up for the ponies around me because I have a little sister to look out for now and that is what I have to say about that!” Rarity stomped her hoof several times through her little speech, and then once more at the end, to make sure everyone knew she meant business. She let out a savage “Hmph!” as well, just in case.

Occam had begun a retort, something that would surely have shut down even a charging bull, but the raw, genuine umbrage of Rarity’s rant gave him pause. As a sergeant, he was something of a connoisseur of umbrage. So, rather than speak, Occam stared at the girl, slowly working his jaw, completely silent. He really took his time about it, giving Rarity’s doubts about this whole thing plenty of time to gnaw away at her initial confidence.

“Private Rarity, was it?” he asked, levelly. Rarity saw him glance at Sugar Coat. She still seemed to be trying to hold back laughter. Was that good? Or very, very bad?

Rarity stomped a hoof and ‘hmph-ed’ again, but it was rather a bit less certain than last time.

“Do you really not understand why I’m angry right now?” asked Occam.

Because you’re a brainless jerk and a horrible brute? thought Rarity. But she didn’t say any of that. She just hedged back and forth for a bit. Could she have missed something? She ran over recent events again in her head, but still found little for anyone but Lance to be upset about. When she finally spoke, it was only to say…

“I…No.” Occam gave her a look. “Sir.”

“But you do?” Occam said, turning to Lance.

“Yes sir.” He stared at nothing, very rigid, very soldier-like. His eyes twitched briefly to Rarity’s, and they were full of nothing but…what? Regret? Apology? She felt horrible for him, having to act like that. Why didn’t he speak up? Stupid military. “It was an accident sir.”

Sgt. Occam raised an eyebrow and then turned, placing himself directly between Lance and Rarity. He fixed his gaze on her.

“What happened here, Private? Why were you and Private Lance in this room?”

Rarity shifted to look at Lance and Occam expertly moved to block her. “Oh, ah, well, it’s all quite simple really. You see, I was having some bit of trouble with the wrestling portion of our combat training so…”

Rarity recounted the non-events of the past hour as faithfully (and extensively; detail was important) as she could. Occam’s much-more-withering-than-hers gaze had quite effectively robbed her of all of previous anger and replaced it with a nervous eagerness to please. Or, at least, to get him to look somewhere else. Reaching the end of her tale, Rarity started to flounder…

“And so I offered to call someone because I was afraid I might have hurt him, and then…he, um, well. That is, I, or, he, or…well, I’m sure it wasn’t anyone’s…I felt something, you see…” Rarity was practically glowing red at this point. It was just, well it was just rude for Occam to even be asking about this! To her profound surprise, it was the Sergeant himself who saved her from further fluster-ment.

“That’s enough, Private.” Occam ran a hoof from the top of his buzz-cut head all the way down his face. “Alright, look…Eugh, they really should just teach this stuff in school.”

The Sergeant actually seemed to be at a loss for words, for once. Or maybe the stress was just making Rarity hallucinate.

“Alright, Private,” Occam started again. “The thing is-“

“Ah, Sir?” cut in Sugar Coat. “Why don’t I take this one?” She wasn’t even trying to hide her grin anymore.

Sgt. Occam sighed as if a great, crushing weight had just been lifted from his very soul. He nodded to Sugar.

“Much appreciated, Corporal. Let’s take a walk, Stout Lance.”

“Yes sir,” spouted Lance by pure reflex. He looked worriedly between Occam, Sugar and Rarity, but hurried to follow.

“You’re fine, son,” said Occam. “But we still gotta have a talk.” The hard edge of his eyes seemed to soften, if only a little.

Rarity and Sugar Coat watched them go. Sugar fired off a crisp and probably ironic salute to her superior as he left, then wheeled around on Rarity.

“I-“ started the younger unicorn.

“So!” interrupted Sugar. “I know that was all super-weird and you’re probably very confused right now, but the good news is Sugar Coat’s going to tell you all about everything! Ready?”

Rarity wasn’t ready at all, but it was certainly nice of Sugar to ask.

~~~

“Heh. See what I was sayin’ about older mares?” said Applejack.

“Is that what you meant? Having somebody explain it to you?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Am I seriously the only one who learned about sex by actually doing it? Cause I am totally winning right now.”

It was Rarity’s turn to roll her eyes.

Twilight spoke first. “I don’t see how being ignorant of something until it falls in your lap is winning, Dash. You said you were seventeen? The rest of us knew about this stuff way earlier. So far, I think AJ is ‘winning’.”

“Pthbtbt,” responded Rainbow, quite moistly.

“So, did anything ever happen with you and Lance after that?” put in Fluttershy.

“Oh, no, not really,” answered Rarity. “Not at camp, anyway. I mean, we were practically still foals back then. We didn’t know how to handle that kind of faux pas. We mostly just avoided each other. We talked a bit, here and there, but it was just…awkward.” Rarity paused for a moment, then continued, her voice sounding a bit chagrined. “Though we both suddenly became very popular grappling partners.”

“Hah!” cackled Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, ok,” responded Fluttershy, sounding a bit disappointed. “Um, you said ‘not at camp.’ Did something happen later, maybe?” she added, hopefully.

“Why yes, actually,” began Rarity, with a wistful smile. “I happened to run across him again some years later at a little fashion display that was being hosted in Canterlot. Princess Celestia was in attendance, you see, and Lance was accompanying her as a guard in her personal retinue. Quite the honor for a pony of his age. It was marvelous to see how far he’d come, and he cut quite a dashing figure in that armor, let me assure you. ” Rarity gesticulated grandiosely while she spoke; her affectations of magniloquence had become such an integral fixture of Rarity’s persona that they only became more prevalent when she drank. Her friends waited with varying degrees of patience while she breathed a dreamy sigh.

“Anywho, I happened to recognize him there, so we chatted a bit during the show. He invited me to an after party, which I of course attended. It was a delightful soiree; so many lovely ponies in the finest suits and gowns. I daresay I felt a bit underdressed that night. There was this one couple, Oh they were fabulous! They had these matching-”

“Rarity…” interrupted Applejack, with a raised eyebrow.

“Ah, right. Stout Lance. Of course. Well, it isn’t much of a story, really. Lance and I danced a bit, and laughed about old times, and then, well, I can’t imagine what possessed me to be so forward…” said Rarity with an airy giggle, “but I invited him out to my hotel to see whether I still remembered just how to handle that thing he’d shown me back then.”

“Hah! Nice!” shot out Rainbow Dash, biting back her initial comment. Rarity was known to experience occasional bouts of what might be politely called ‘extreme forwardness,’ but her friends always made sure to act surprised when she admitted to them.

“And an excellent multiple entendre as well,” complimented Twilight, "about ‘that thing’. So, how’d that work out?”

Rarity examined one immaculate hoof as she answered.

“Well, let’s just say my skills at putting handsome stallions on their backs had not diminished in the slightest.”

Everypony applauded. Rarity graciously accepted their praise.

Author's Note

Ah, the joys of teenage co-ed grappling.

Also, Rarity is something of a top, it seems.

Pinkie Pie: Rural Lack of Education

“Aaaaaand here we are!” Applejack clomped her mug down on the table, freshly emptied, and belched. “Pardon me. Anyway, only one pony left, and that’s you Pinkie Pie. I’m sure it’ll be a showstopper.”

“The best for last! A classic storytelling technique. I can’t wait!” squeed Twilight, clapping her hooves.

“Oh, you sure can’t! It’s got action, adventure, at least two explosions, the other kind of action…” gushed Pinkie, waggling her eyebrows salaciously.

“And hopefully a bit of romance, right darling?” asked Rarity.

“Sure! It’s got all kinds of romance. Maybe even some bromance!”

Everypony at the table chuckled and settled in. “Alright Pinkie,” said Rainbow. “Show us all how it’s done!”

“Ok! Here we go!”

The circle of ponies looked on expectantly.

“Right. So…”

Were they just imagining things, or did Pinkie seem a little nervous..? Nah, couldn’t be. She just hadn’t gotten going yet.

“But…Hrmm. Where to begin?” Pinkie rubbed a hoof against her chin. “Aha! It all started a long time ago.” Pinkie spread her arms wide. “In a faraway land. You might even say it’s a tale as old as time, with a song as old as rhyme!”

See? There she goes.

~~~

The Dread Pirate Pie watched eagerly as her mighty vessel, the Saltwater Taffy, slid up against its latest victim. Her target was a freighter, surely laden with booty, and Pie would have it! All the booty would be hers tonight! She considered inventing a call for this sort of situation, some sort of…booty call…but that could wait till the ‘morrow! For now, she had booty to pillage!

“Avast, me hearties and scalawags and other pirate-people! Prepare to board that thar vessel!” bellowed Captain Pie, waving a totally cool saber around. Seriously, aren’t sabers the best? They’re all curved and stuff!

The Dread Pie leapt to the deck as the ships crashed together, making sure to keep her ginormous hat in place, ‘cause what is a pirate captain without her hat, right? Her crew, salty veterans all, parted before her as their Captain sauntered up to one of the boarding planks.

“Yaaaaar!!! This be your chance to surrender, you lily-livered land-lubbers!” roared the mighty Pie.

“I was about to say the same to your own crew, m’lady,” replied a bold baritone voice.

“Hah! The Dread Pirate Pie laughs at your false bravad-Hwhaaa!?!?” Pinkie finally looked at her nemesis, the only one who dared face her. He was a fine specimen of a stallion, with long, ultra-fancy golden locks and the best, curliest beard you’ve ever seen, just flowing in the wind. He had one of those sexy, billowy shirts that really showed off his tight, muscley neck and shoulders and stuff, and his hat was almost as super-amazing as hers!

“Wowee!” She exclaimed, as the unnamed stallion posed in a quite swashbuckingly fashion. “But the Dread Pirate Pie will not show mercy just because you’re super-hot! Have at thee!” she howled, leaping across the plank at this total babe of a stallion.

“Nor shall I,” said he, “though yours is a hotness beyond any ever witnessed on land or sea!”

“Aww, that’s sweet!” Said Pie, slinging forth a flurry of blows.

“ ‘Tis one of many reasons they call me Sweet Beard, m’lady!” said Sweet Beard, barely parrying each strike.

And then things got really craz-

~~~

“Uh, Pinkie…”

“-ally crazy! I…oh, uh, what’s up Dashie?”

“You know this is supposed to be a true story, right?”

Pinkie blinked.

“oooOOOoooh, you wanted a truUUUuue story.” She giggled. “Duh, that should have been obvious. Silly Pinkie.” Pinkie knocked herself lightly on the head with a hoof. “Ok, my bad. Here we go, for reals this time.”

The amused circle of friends settled in again to hear the real story.

“Right. Ok. So, it was a daaaaaaark and stoooooormy night...er, wait, no. It was a regular night, actually."

~~~

The fearless astronaut Buzzy Pie made the final preparations for touchdown on the moon. If only she’d known what a magical, super-sexy touchdown it would be…

“Clopston, we have contact!” said Buzzy as the thrusters cut out. She leapt from her seat the second the shuttle hit the surface. “This’ll be one small step for Pie, one…something or other! Whatevs! I’m going outside!”

Buzzy kicked open the shuttle door and bounded out onto the virgin surface of the moon. Like, really bounded. She went flying. ‘Cause, ya know, there’s not much gravity there. Anyway, she fell back down eventually, and that’s when she saw…her. She was amazing. Such poise, such grace. Legs for days…Astro-Pie stared at this vision of luscious celestial glory.

Princess Luna turned to look at her visitor.

“Oh my,” she said, with a cute little smile. “What have we here? A lonely little space cadet?” She switched her tail in that special way and…

~~~

“Pinkie!”

“And then…um. What’s up, Rainbow Dash?”

“You were never an astronaut Pinkie!”

“I wasn’t? A-are you sure? I, um, I think I might have…” Pinkie faltered before the inescapable glare of Dash.

“Come on, Pinkie! We all told our stories. You made me tell mine, and mine was lame! What’s the problem?”

“Um, Pinkie?” Twilight raised a hoof, interjecting herself between the two. “Do you not want to talk about this?”

Fluttershy jumped in next, whispering…

“Because you don’t have to, if you don’t want…”

Pinkie smiled in gratitude…

“Hey sugar,” said Applejack, sidling up and wrapping an arm around her friend's shoulder. “Was it bad or somethin’? Wait, sorry, shouldn’t a’ asked. You ain’t gotta answer that.”

“Oh, wait,’ sputtered Rainbow Dash. “I didn’t mean, I mean, uh. Sorry Pinks.”

…and then immediately caved before all of her friends’ relentless concern.

“Buuhoohoohoo” she cried, collapsing dramatically onto the nearest pony at hoof. Literally cried, that is, with a completely excessive fountain of tears and all. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to disappoint everypony! I just, I mean, no, AJ, it wasn’t bad. Not worse than anypony’s first time is, I mean. It’s just…”

Pinkie’s little outburst ended as quickly as it began.

“It’s just you were all expecting this amazing, crazy story, because I’m, ya know, the party pony, and crazy-amazing is my whole thing, right? But, it’s just that I’m…actually, kinda, really, boring. About this.” Pinkie drummed her hooves on the table and glanced up at her friends. “And all your stories were super fun, or sweet, or just unexpected.” That last one was directed at Fluttershy, who blushed appropriately. “I don’t think I even have one really good story about this stuff. I haven’t really um, been around, that much. It’s just, I mean, I know I can be kind of…” Pinkie cringed and her hair deflated a bit. “Annoying, sometimes. And hard to um, put up with.”

“Hey!” shouted Dash, slamming a hoof on the table. “Who said that to you!? They’re gonna get a hoof across the jaw for that!” She wasn’t the only one to jump to Pinkie’s defense on the issue.

“It’s ok, Dashie. I know. You’re all,” Pinkie looked around the table, “you’re the best friends I could ever ask for.” She smiled. “But, I haven’t really done a lot of dating, or whatever. I kinda just do whatever pops into my head at the time, so I’ve done lots of stuff, you know, sexy stuff, just not with lots of different ponies. Only two or three, really. So I haven’t really had any adventures like you girls. I mean, I grew up on a rock farm. We didn’t talk about anythingfun, much less sex. We barely talked at all until we were all older. My first time was with some boy who worked one of the neighboring farms. We talked some, and we both kind of wanted to do something together, but I don’t think even he knew what it was. Then we did it, and, I mean, it was kinda weird and awkward and it kinda hurt, but it was still nice and all…but then, I dunno, we just moved on after a while. I didn’t even know what exactly we’d done until I started asking around. Everybody was super-weird about it except for Maud, but she told me all kinds of stuff.

There was a brief silence at the table. It was Fluttershy, of all of them, that broached the subject.

“Um, Maud knew about sex?”

“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe!” exclaimed Pinkie. “I learned so much from her, but all of it,” she adopted a dreary monotone voice “was like this. She was all like Sometimes a girl likes and boy and she can then inspire in him a stone-like protrusion near his pelvic region and this is called and erection. Oh, Maud.” Pinkie’s hair poofed back into place as her friends laughed at her impersonation. “She made sure to remind me that it wasn’t actually stone though. And I was like, ‘Duh, Maud. Stone stays hard longer than that.' ”

After the laughter faded, Rainbow Dash chimed in.

“So Pinks, you uh, wanna tell us about that time you were a pirate captain?”

“Do I ever!” shouted Pinkie with glee. “So there I was, balancing on a cannon after being pushed back by Sweet Beard’s totally sexy assault…”

Author's Note

So, I gotta be honest with ya'll. I was at something of a loss on how to write a story for Pinkie. I still don't really like it (too short, not enough Pinkie-ness), but I just couldn't figure she'd be the type to actually have much experience in this department. I am open to better ideas from you, the readers, for a re-write.

Last Call

It was well past a reasonable bedtime when Twilight finally began wending her way home. She was alone, her friends having all scattered off in their own respective directions, and that was fine; she didn’t really want company. It had been another wonderful night among friends, even if she hadn’t meant to drink so much. Classic mistake, going to a bar with nebulous plans of ‘only having one or two.’ No matter. She was…Ah yes, she was headed home. Twilight tottered back onto the road and toward to the warm, familiar lights of her library.

And when exactly had they become familiar, she wondered? There was a time when this whole town had been foreign to her. Back then, she’d have been horrified to be caught drunk on the road, wandering home. Or to be caught drunk at all. Oh deary me, what would the Princess have thought?

Twilight laughed at that. She’d seen Celestia drunk and worse (or better?) since those silly, early days. They’d gone on adventures together. Oh, the things she’d seen…good times. Twilight belched, and that was fine too. She greeted a pair of lovers as they ambled by. How nice for them, to have met someone tonight.

Twilight sauntered up to her own door, blissfully, and possibly willfully, forgetful of why she’d left in the first place. The lights were still on. Spike, staying up late again. That scamp. She threw open the unlocked door and walked in, planning to make some snide comment or other. But then…

She found Spike, playing little spoon to a certain Moon Princess on the couch. And then it all came back. Why she’d been kicked out of her own house. And then it all came forward.

“Oh, Why Hello, Twilight! Pardon me, dear,” said Luna. She tapped Spike's chest with a hoof, and he rolled off the couch to make way for her. She hopped up to strut towards the younger pony. “And how was your evening, Princess Sparkle?”

“It was…” It was punch your face!! thought Twilight, but no, no. She must give the benefit of the doubt. Surely there was some misconception here. “Fine. So, what, um…”

“I have just been instructing the young Spike in the ways of lovecraft.” Said Luna, with a fiendish gleam in her eye. The dragon in question waved one long arm Twilight’s way. “It has been a very hooves-on lesson, of course. He is a natural talent in the physical ways of romance, let me assure you. Such stamina.”

Twilight’s eye twitched. Her wing followed suit.

“It was amazing Twilight,” said Spike, in the baritone that was now his voice.

“Yyyerrk!!!” spat Twilight, her face scrunching up in wrath. The small part of her brain that wasn’t consumed with fury made a note; Ooooooh. This is what Applejack felt like. It took a moment for her to be able to speak. And when she could, she pointed herself directly at Luna and…

…was interrupted by riotous laughter as the Princess fell to the floor.

“HAHAHAHAhaha! You have no idea how long we had to sit like this before you got here. HA! Your face! HAHAhahaha! We apol-hahahahaha!”

Twilight knew mercy, and so she stayed her murderous rage and waited for an explanation. One came to her inebriated mind even before Luna managed to pick herself up of the ground.

Luna was screwing with her.

Dammit.

Twilight flopped her but to the floor and thumped both hooves into her forehead.

“Uugh! I can’t believe I fell for that!” She soon joined the laughter despite herself.

“Sorry boss,” said Spike. “But c’mon, that was pretty funny.”

“Truly…Truly, Twilight Sparkle, you have Our apologies,” said Luna, gasping for air. “We couldn’t resist. ‘Tis an old joke, but never has it lost its magic.” The Moon Princess bowed before Twilight, spreading her wings in supplication.

“Oh, get up, Luna. It’s fine. Jerk.” The last was said with a slightly chagrined smile.

“Verily,” responded Luna, bouncing back upright. “In all honesty though, Sparkle, you have helped to raise a fine young drake. I applaud your efforts. I only wish you had asked my assistance sooner. There is no need to be a stranger, sweetling.”

She stepped in close with that last statement, just inside Twilight's little bubble of personal space. She put her wings up on full display, thrust her chest out, smiling, with those lovely, slightly hooded eyes.

Was…was she flirting?

Nah, it was probably just another joke. Right? Totally.

“Um, ok, well…” stuttered Twilight, stepping backwards just a smidge.

“Indeed. I shall be away then. But do not hesitate to write if ever you should need anything at all. Or feel free to just come by. You know where to find Us.” Luna winked, and both Twilight and Spike were certain she’d been doing so at themselves alone. “A good evening to you both.” She turned and strutted unhindered through the open door, which Twilight was pretty sure she had closed earlier. She didn’t notice that until later though, being much too busy watching that strut…

Twilight and Spike gazed on for another timeless moment as Luna waltzed outside and bounded gracefully into the night sky. It was Spike who finally broke the silence.

“She’s uh, really something, huh?”

Twilight snorted. “Yeah, she sure is.” She turned to look at her little brother. “So, are you, uh, ok? I mean, the um, the talk went…well?” asked Twilight, fumbling for words. Stupid booze. And stupid awkward situations.

Spike continued to stare after Luna with that thoughtful expression Twilight had been seeing so much of lately. “Oh yeah, sure. It was fine.” He turned to back to look at Twilight. “I knew some of it already, but uh, yeah. There’s a lot of crazy stuff out there huh?”

“There sure is,” said Twilight with a smile. “So, sorry for running off on you like that. I was kind of, well, you know….”

Spike nodded with a wry grin. “Yeah, the Princess explained all that. She explained a lot of things.” He blew out a breath. “A whole lot of things…”

“Yeah…” Twilight chuckled. “But anyway, I just wanted you to know you can um, ask me anything, ok? If you ever have any questions, or just want to talk, or anything.”

“Yeah, sure. Luna told me that too. About you, I mean.” Spike’s tail wrapped around him and placed itself in his claws, like it always did when he was nervous. He’d done that since he was a baby…“I uh, I know I don’t really make talking very easy sometimes. I’ll work on it.”

Twilight smiled. “It’s ok. I was a teenager once too.”

“Heh,” responded Spike.

“Well," said Twilight, jumping in before the silence could get too long, "I’m going to stuff my face full of whatever’s in the fridge and head off to bed, I think.”

“Yeah, I’ll prob’ly stay up for a bit.”

“Ok. Good night, Spike.”

“G’night,” said Spike. Twilight watched him go for a bit before turning toward the kitchen. She listened to the click of his claws on the hardwood floor. She heard his door open, but then there was a pause.

…

“Love you Twilight.”

Twilight’s heart swelled a bit. Wait, was she tearing up? Bah. It was probably just the alcohol. But still...

“Love you too, little guy.”

Author's Note

Forgot to do an afterword for this, so here we go!
Many thanks to my home-dog Spice of Life for tricking me into reading fanfiction, and then somehow compelling me to write it (probably using black magic).
Thanks also to the writers of stories about Royal bathroom habits and magical pony physiology for demonstrating that my sense of humor might be shared by other weirdos.
And thanks to everybody who read this nonsense. Here's hoping you enjoyed it as much or more than I did.

Also, writing anthologies is...tricky. There's always going to be a best story in any collection (Applejack's) and a weakest one (Pinkie's), and it's no damn fun knowing that some of your work is going be worse than the rest just because you've already used up all your inspiration. I ran out right around the end of Dash's chapter, in this case. Rarity's took a while to even conceive of, and Pinkie's was basically a default. Such is life.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Peace out.

I'm pondering doing another story wherein Spike goes forth to have his own adventures. Might be nice to do a story from a male perspective for once. Or not. We'll see what happens.

Double Bonus Chapter!: It Was a Different Time, Twilight.

Or, Things Get Weird...er.

“Well, that is just adorable!” crooned Princess Luna. “Thank you, Twilight, for sharing all those stories with us. We are so pleased to know We could be of assistance in your learning about your lovely friends. And in the education of young Spike, of course”

Twilight sipped lightly from her glass of wine. It was more of a goblet really. Nearly a jug. Luna was pouring tonight, and she was quite liberal with it.

“Oh, sure. Any time.”

She had felt a little leery of telling her friend’s stories like that at first, but it wasn’t like they’d asked her to keep them secret. And they'd all heard hers, so…

“You really are lucky to have such good friends,” put in Cadance with a smile. “It’s rare for ponies to be so open. Too bad really. It’s such a fun subject!”

“Ah, but ‘tis that bit of taboo that makes it so,” said Luna. “It would just be so much small talk if one could discuss it over dinner every night.”

Celestia nodded. She’d been fairly quiet through the whole tale, but that was hardly surprising; Twilight knew this wasn’t her favorite subject. She’d been obviously uncomfortable at first, but after a while, she’d warmed up and started laughing along with the rest of them.

The four Princesses lounged in a moment of companionable silence. This was their monthly Princess night; a pleasant little retreat from the world wherein the four of them could curl up on comfy pillows and have drinks and generally act like they didn’t have any pressing responsibilities. It was a bit like a sleep-over really, though there had yet to be a pillow fight or game of Truth or Dare. Luna made sure to continually remind them that she could change that at any time. Mostly though, they just relaxed and talked about whatever was on their minds, regardless of what was happening in their various queendoms. Any subject was allowed, except work. Unless that was really what they wanted to dish about.

“Well!” exclaimed Luna. “I suppose it’s only fair that We tell Our own story, isn’t it?” She looked around the room expectantly.

“Oh, I don’t-“ started Celestia.

“Pfah! Come now, Celestia. Surely it would be impolite not to do Our share?”

Twilight was sure Celestia would try to put this off until next month, in the hope that Luna would forget about it. But then…

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear this,” said Cadance.

Luna’s face quirked up into a sly smile. Celestia blanched a bit.

“Sparkle?”

Well, it was getting late, and she was a little sleepy, but…

“Sure,” said Twilight. “This should be interesting.”

“I hear things were pretty crazy back in the old days,” said Cadance, in an aside to Twilight.

“We shall let you be the judge,” said Luna, plowing straight through any further objections from her sister. She adopted a suitably dramatic pose, and then began…

“Our tale begins before even the very first Night.”

~~~

In the beginning, there was the Earth. There were perhaps times before that world came to be, but none living can remember them. It was presumably very dark and quiet and boring. Regardless, first, there was the Earth. The sun shone, and the moon glowed, but so distant were they that the Earth stood in perpetual twilight; no day, no night. There were no Princesses either, and no kingdoms. There was life though, wild and untamed. The world spun on in this is state of primal majesty for untold eons. But then, one day, the First Day, in point of fact, things began to change. Ponies had scrabbled their way up beyond their simple natures. They’d begun farming, and building, and forming societies. And Celestia, though she had no name yet, took notice. She came closer, wanting to see what it was that these strange little beings were up to. The sky lit with her glory, and the ponies looked up in wonder. They called out to her. They constructed temples to be closer to her. They gave her a name. And it was then that she decided that she would very much like to join them on Earth. So it was that she set her Sun permanently nearer the Earth, and, in a move no astral being had ever before even thought to consider, she gave herself flesh. This was the First Day; Celestia descending to Earth, shining down in her full radiance, finally truly meeting the ponies she had watched for so long. The First Day was a golden age. Celestia lived and played and loved without worry or care among the mortals, and they loved her boundlessly in return…platonically, of course. We haven’t gotten to the fun part yet.

No one knows how long this went on; there weren’t seasons yet, and Night had yet to be invented, so there weren’t many good ways of telling time. It could not have been long though, for the Moon was watching the Sun’s little adventure, and though she agreed that it looked like everyone was having a wonderful time down there on Earth, she was beginning to notice a problem. Celestia and her Sun were so wondrous and beautiful, so relentlessly perfect, that the creatures around her were starting to drop dead from the simple exhaustion of trying to match her. They forgot to sleep, they ate only when She reminded them by doing so herself, and that was rare. So grand and joyous was her presence that literally all other thoughts fell from the pony’s minds when she was near. They could not even gaze directly at her, lest they be blinded and consumed by her by her glory. So instead, they worshiped. They brought her gifts, they invented, they strove to acts of ever greater valor and heroism, anything they could imagine that might please her. They lived and died hoping for even the briefest glance from her, the barest ghost of a smile. And at the end, when they were finally spent, those foolish, extraordinary creatures would fall to the ground, basking in their Blazing Goddess’s glory until their end finally came.

Not that they were suffering, mind you; death in service to Celestia was considered a perfect way to go, and the ponies had never been happier. But the Moon saw the fragile genius in their creations, the short-lived magic and wonder in their arts and efforts, and She, too, came to love them. But she wanted more; more from them and more for them. She wanted to see those ponies survive to appreciate their masterpieces, to be remembered and to inspire even more. But that could not be if the love-struck ponies kept dropping dead before they got really skilled. Thusly did the Moon come up with a plan to see if she could convince Celestia to maybe tone it down a little. You see, She, too, had been seen and worshipped and wondered at by the creatures of Earth. She had watched them for a long time, she had even been named long before Celestia’s First Day. So, in a way, Luna was the real elder of the two.

~~~

Luna glanced sideways at her sister with a sly smirk. Celestia gave a good-natured roll of her eyes.

~~~

So she knew what the creatures of Earth needed; rest. A time for reflection, for recovery, for preparation for the exertions of the next day. A little break, every so often, from the unmatched glory of Celestia. And, perhaps, a bit of late-night inspiration from a different, ever so slightly more subtle muse.

And so Luna, too, wrapped herself in a skin of Moon and Stars and Space and threw herself to Earth. Or, perhaps, from Earth; her newly incarnated from burst forth from the Moon’s own reflection in the calm seas, laughing with the simple joy of suddenly being alive. None who saw were certain if she had risen from the waves, or fallen from the sky, but it made no difference; a new Goddess was born. Celestia looked on in joy at this wondrous new being, her equal in might and beauty, if perhaps, in a rather different fashion. The ponies, too, rejoiced, as they are known to do for any or no reason.

In her first living act, Luna danced across the sky, singing a lullaby of impossible grace as she blanketed the world in the First Night. The stars rose, the Moon shone down its soft, silver glow, and a comfortable peace settled over the lands. Celestia watched as Luna grew near, and looked on in captivated wonder at the first being she’d ever met that could witness with eyes unshaded her full beauty and not be destroyed, at the first being that could rival her in anything, in everything.

When finally Luna had rounded the entire Earth, the two goddesses stood before one another, each just watching, taking the other’s unique, impossible perfection in. Opposite, they were, but also the same. Celestia stepped closer, for once not knowing what she should do, or say, or what might happen. And she relished every moment of it.

And then, in her second act, Luna stepped boldly forward and…

~~~

“Right! So, uh, this next part, ah,” cut in Celestia, stuttering a bit.

“You’re right, Celestia,” said Luna, steamrolling right on in with a devious grin. “Much easier to show, than tell.” And with that, she leapt in, wrapped both arms around Celestia’s neck, and kissed her full on the mouth. With tongue and everything!

You could practically hear Cadance’s jaw hit the floor.

“Mmmmf! Gah! Luna!” exclaimed Celestia, batting her away with a wing. She tried to be the dignified one, but she couldn’t quite manage to suppress laugh as she did it. “Not in front of Twilight! She’ll…”

You could literally hear a *whump* as Twilight Sparkle’s head flopped deadweight onto her pillow.

“…freak out.”

“Tsk,” pouted Luna. “I didn’t even get to make my joke about the Sun ‘going down.’ ”

~~~

Twilight slumbered fitfully, plagued by unsettling dreams of Princesses doing things to each other that were probably not even legal in most places. Or would you call these nightmares? Yes, definitely nightmares.

“There’s actually very little that’s illegal between two consenting adults, Twilight.”

…

“Luna?”

“Indeed.”

“Can you please get out of my dreams?"

“Certainly. You need only…”

Wake up.

Luna leaned over the youngest Princess.

Twilight slowly rose to a sitting position, looking owlishly around the room. Celestia was fanning her with a wing, looking very concerned, but also a bit amusedly chagrined. Cadance looked amusedly confused. Luna looked just plain amused. Twilight rubbed a hoof down her face.

“Ok, good one. You got me. But just for my own sanity, you were just messing with me right?” Luna’s expression changed not at all, so Twilight looked to Celestia for confirmation. The elder Princess seemed suddenly very interested in something across the room.

Luna’s leering grin only grew as the moment hung.

“But…but you’re sisters!!” cried Twilight. “You can’t-I mean, that isn’t-I mean..!”

“Hahahah!! You are just such fun, young Sparkle!” chortled Luna.

“Wow,” put in Cadance. “Things really were crazy in the old days…”

“Listen, Twilight, Cadance,” began Celestia, “You have to understand. It was a different time, you see. And Luna and I aren’t exactly normal ponies, so, things are, ah, different, for us. This kind of thing really wasn’t that uncommon among creatures like us.” There was a note of desperation in her voice.

“Wasn’t that uncommon!?!?” shouted Twilight. “How does that make kissing your sister any less..Augh! I don’t even..!”

Luna took a break from cackling to cut in.

“Hah! Oh, do calm down, Twilight. Celestia and I are no more sisters than you and Cadenza. Even less so, I’d imagine.”

“We’re sisters-in-law, actually,” mentioned Cadance. “So…”

“Yes, my point exactly! We are goddesses; astral bodies made flesh! We have none of your ‘bloodlines’ or ‘lineages’ or any other such nonsense. We do not go about spewing bodily fluids at each other to spawn more children. Such things are for mortals!”

Cadance snorted a laugh at that. "You two just do it for fun then?"

"Hah! I like this one, Celestia," said Luna, pointing Cadance's direction. "Have I mentioned that lately? She is Fun!"

Twilight continued to stare.

Turning back to the youngest Princess, Luna continued.

“I was born from my own reflection in the sea, Sparkle! Do you truly think We have any relatives? This 'sisters' business is just a…” Luna waved a hoof, looking for the right words. “A term of endearment. Same as calling Cadance our niece, or Discord our uncle, or any such thing. We just use the family words to show how close we are. ‘Tis not really that strange, is it?”

Twilight glared suspiciously around them room, still not entirely sure that she wasn’t the butt of a joke that everypony else was in on.

“I…guess not. When you put it that way.”

“And besides,” put in Celestia, quickly. “We haven’t been, eh, romantic, in ages.”

“Mayhaps you haven’t,” quipped Luna.

“Nice!” said Cadance, putting up a hoof. Luna met it with a resounding *tok.*

Ignoring them completely, Celestia carried on.

“We weren’t called sisters until long after we stopped…doing that.”

“Huh,” stated Twilight. “Well. Alright.” She still sounded doubtful.

“Lovely!” spouted Luna. “Now that that’s settled, let me tell you about my third act! I still had to convince the Sun to go down, you see-“

“Nope! No way! Princess Twilight is leaving the building! See you next month when everypony remembers how to be normal!”

The remaining Princesses watched as Twilight stomped out. Luna spoke first.

“She’s a bit high-strung, isn’t she?”

Celestia sighed with a rueful laugh.

"You are a terrible pony, Luna."

Author's Note

Oh Snap! This story wasn't done at all! Alas, now I have to try and come up with something for Cadance...

Anywho, you have the hilarious and highly questionable A Finer Vintage and my love of ancient mythology to thank for this little...whatever it is.

But seriously, Twilight. Have you ever even read any of the really old stories? This shit happened like, all the time.