The Truth!
And nothing but the truth.
Rain fell upon the trees of the Everfree Forest, the darkness birthed gloom to the landscape around them, lighting cracked giving shape to the dark castle in which they had fought Nightmare Moon and retrieved the elements of harmony not long ago. Above them floated a serpent like creature, his twisted limbs a variety from creatures great and small.
Twilight stepped forward, her mane caught in the torrential wind that permeated the air like a curse. With her friends behind her she knew she would not fail and it gave her the confidence to face this foe...
"Discord!" She yelled with force, her magic flaring brightly from her horn, "Your nightmare ends now!"
"Alright, Pause!"
The world flickered like an old casset, time seemed to cease and all that remained was a still vision of the ponies involved and the forest they stood in. A figure walked into the scene, she was tall, graceful, eyes blue, white of coat and red of mane, upon her flanks the clear image of a quill a with a bottle of ink.
Whoever she was she carried herself with quite some dignity... and not a little irritation.
"What the hell is this!?" The prominant Alicorn demanded.
There were others of course, some were filming, others were smoking, some were making adjustments to the landscape like shadowy gouls in the night. One in particular sat in a chair, one of those foldable ones people often take on a fishing trip. He was short, a pegasus with a light blue coat and grey mane, he froze awkwardly under her glare and most of the others fidgeted nervously.
"Erm..." He began.
"Unacceptable!" The alicorn exploded with a voice better suited for mountain calling, the poor stallion who unfortunately happened to be the director of this episode was thrown clear of his seat by the shear force of the roar, "This whole scene makes no sense!"
"But... Discord is the badguy!" He argued, struggling to regain his hooves from the heap he had landed in.
"Undoubtedly!" She huffed, "But why is he here?"
This rewarded her with blank stares of confusion, which did little for her mood, "Where is this scene located?"
"Everfree Forest." A camera pony answered.
"And?" The frightening mare indicated to the large structure nearby.
"The... old castle?"
"Good," She smiled with a touch of sarcasm, "Now somepony please explain why they are here?"
"Because this is where... they're fighting Discord," The director answered.
The alicorn sighed morosely and facehoofed, "Yes... thank you for that," she gave herself a moment to regain her composure before continuing, "The main issue I have with this is why Discord chose this location, it makes no sense, if I'm not mistaken he was not a moment ago about to strike Manehattan... was he not?"
"Yeah?" The director frowned with confusion.
"So why is he halfway across Equestria in the opposite direction from where he started!?" She demanded.
"I don't see what the problem is?" He responded.
"It's called Continuity, and so far this episode has none!"
The stunned silence that followed only made the white mare groan deeply, "Sometimes I wonder if you are purposely trying to confuse the viewers..."
"Pfft..." One pony snorted, "Its not like it really matters, I mean..." he froze as the alicorn's glare fell upon him.
The director replaced his chair and sat upon it, rubbing a foreleg with a forelorn expression, "I doubt it matters, they probably won't even notice..."
Howere the alicorn ignored him, "Also I feel this episode is missing appeal, where's the drama? The danger? The excitement?"
"Uhh..."
"It's disgraceful! I demand this episode be rewritten immediately!"
It took a moment for the gathered ponies to register this, but when they did the writers quickly clustered around the director. The alicorn nodded with approval at first but slowly it became an open mouthed look of pure horror as she took in the words they spoke.
"Explosions! That's what this needs, it works for Michael Bay and his movies suck!"
"We need to kill somepony off, maybe a random guard or something..."
"No no no, this needs romance! Lets get two characters together!"
"Are you mad! That's suicide right there!"
"I thought fans liked shipping..."
"When its not cannon! Have you ever seen a thread on fimfiction!?"
"What about giant robots from another world that can turn into..."
"That's your solution to everything!"
"That's because its a good one!"
"You wanna crossover some more of Hasbro's stuff or just the robot thing?"
"What about Knights of the Magical Light?"
"Oh shut up..."
The white mare decided enough was enough... which meant she had to leave before she hurt somepony.
The alicorn sighed, "Mary? Where are you?"
A small intern pony charged forward, her youthful face full of enthusiasm, "Yes miss Faust?"
"I need a drink..." Lauren answered, "Go get me a bottle of something mind numbingly perfect and have it sent to my office will you..."
"But its only 11am..." Mary began.
Blazing eyes that spoke a thousand words answered the intern's concerns, the words all said 'shut up and go get my drink'.
"Right away ma'am!" Mary squeaked.
Lauren looked back at the small group of writers and shook her head, right about then she didn't really care... she had a date with a bottle.
Some Time Later...
Nothing had changed but for the background, which had been temporarily removed until somepony decided to give some orders... the camera ponies sat around playing a card game, the lighting guys were busy texting, the background gremlins were fighting it out for supremacy over who should get the last donut.
"Marching tides of armored stallions!" One writer suggested.
"We don't have the funding for that..." The director responded.
"A giant flying machine! With CGI and everything!"
"Now you're being ridiculous."
"Space lazers?"
"No..."
"Car chase and explosions?"
"No!"
"What about a giant lizard rampaging through a city..."
"No no no no and no!"
"Then I give up..."
"Yeah... me too."
"I still don't see why we can't have robots..."
"Oh be quiet!"
From out of nowhere Mary the intern appeared, her expression one of panic, "Quickly! She's coming back!!!"
The director sighed, "Well I hope she has some ideas because..."
"No, you don't understand!" Mary squealed, "She's completely out of it!"
The director nodded sadly, "I'd be angry too in her position I suppose..."
"No you don't get it, she totally drun..."
Young Mary was interrupted by a loud crash as the doorway to the outerworld burst open, from it loomed a terrible visage, staggering forward into the scene like a legless donkey with faulty vision.
"I see... *hic* ... what you did there, very funny!" Lauren snorted before giving a mighty guffaw.
"Err... ma'am?" The director blinked in confusion, near blinded by the aroma of 83% proof black raspberry vodka.
Lauren blinked at the director, barely registering the stunned stares of all those gathered, "Still about this... I see," She waved a hoof around the set.
"Um... yes ma'am... we still haven't..."
"You know... *hic* ... what I think?" Lauren giggled.
"No ma'am... I can safely say I do not."
"I think this needs clouds..."
"Clouds?" The director frowned.
"Big, fluffy, pink candyfloss clouds!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
The gathered ponies responded.
"Yup!" Lauren continued, "Candyfloss clouds that... *hic* ... rain chocolate milk!"
"Oh wow..." A writer sighed, shaking his head.
"I know right?" Another responded with profound disappointment.
"She's completely..."
"Yup."
"She's totally..."
"Agreed."
"She's an absolute genius!"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't we think of that?"
"I don't know..."
They all looked with absolute admiration in the direction of the unstable alicorn, who was busy tripping over some cables.
"Alright then!" The director announced, "This set needs a complete overhaul!"
"Floating ponies with swirly eyes!" Lauren declared, her giggle fit continuing from her place on her back upon the ground.
"Brilliant!"
"Chequered floors, floating upside down buildings, day and night at the same time!" Lauren continued.
"Genius!"
"Ponyville with Big Mac barking like a dog!" She added.
"You heard her everypony!" The director bellowed, "Roll out the Ponyville set!"
Somewhere nearby a pony pulled a crank and the world around them spun until it reached ponyville, like crazy the background ponies charged in, making madness in their wake.
"Wait... what about the plot?"
"Plot!" Lauren burst, falling into gigantic laughter, "I'll show you plot! Mary! Shake that butt!"
"...?"
"...!"
"...!?"
"Absolute genius!"
The director nodded and faced the writers, "Alright guys, you heard her, make something ridiculous that shows our six elements losing their natures and becoming grey or something."
"I wanna maze!" Lauren demanded, "And Q from Star Trek!"
"Brilliant... absolutely brilliant!"
Author's Note
A result of immense pain and painpills.
Whatever whoever whyever... where am I?
I don't know... help me! Please somebody help me!
With rum hopefully...
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life!
