“Don't leave me with them.” I, the dashing, incredible and handsome hero of Equestria muttered in defeat to absolutely no one, sitting in my new room. “You may be a princess, but I at least deserve a say in where I will spend my sentence. Even the executed have a say in their last meal.” I threw myself down on the mattress, reaching to a large bowl of candy on my bedside table for some well deserved comfort food. After all, getting beaten by pastel coloured children's toys was a massive hit to my self-image. And now, I was being forced to live with one of them! How much more embarrassing can you get.
“Is everything okay in there?” My captor called in, obviously mocking me. She has this whole 'innocent' and 'shy' thing going on, but I don't buy it. She's obviously got something to hide, I've been inside that cream-coloured head of hers, I know how she works!
“Just fine, my dear!” I called back, feigning innocence. Oh, how it pained me to have to change who I was to accommodate her. But, she was my only choice, the others didn't trust me as far as they could throw me. Which, judging by their size compared to mine, and the fact that I may or may not be made of lead from 4 PM to 7 PM every day, is probably not all that far.
“Well, I hope you'll join me for supper... Um... It's good I think...”
There she goes again, I thought, acting like she cares, how quaint.
“When will dinner be?” I asked through the door.
“Is five o'clock okay?”
I looked over at the clock, reading 3:23 PM. “Five is perfect, my dear.” Just long enough to make my escape...
It was a simple plan. All I had to do was tie my sheets together and go out the window. My captor would be too busy making dinner with that little rat she calls 'Angel' to notice me making my daring run. If all else failed, I could just stretch my majestic wings and fly into the evening sky, never to be seen by these four legged buggers ever again! Maybe I would go to live with the Zebras, or Camels, or live amongst an ancient, untouched tribe that would call me their god and I could go back to my glory days! No matter what, I was going to get out of here!
My evil captor rolled back up to the door, and whispered in her seductive Siren voice, “It's a vegetable lasagna...”
My escape can wait.
“That was delightful, Fluttershy, my dear.” I wiped my lips with a napkin, and then ate it. The lasagna was too good to waste on a napkin.
“I'm so happy that you enjoyed it.” She smiled. Just then, it occurred to me. She must have poisoned my meal! She has to have put something into it to make me more compliant. Diabolical! “I used this new recipe my friendship friendship friendship friendship friendship.”
Okay, so that's not really what she said, but it was pretty close to it. Yeah, pretty close.
Before long, I found myself back in my room, my captor had retired for the night. Before she had gone to bed, she had practically ordered me to open my window to let the cool breeze blow through the room. It had gotten me thinking, if she wants me to open my window, she must know I'm trying to escape. If she knows I'm trying to escape, then she must have a plan to stop me. Outside that window, there are probably missiles, and tanks, and killer robots that look like Rainbow Dash. Well! I won't fall for her evil schemes! I'll show her! I'll just sit here quietly and sleep all night. After all... It's late, and I need my beauty rest. How else will I keep my gorgeous looks in order. Chiseled features like these don't come easy.
So I sat back on the bed, imagining other ways I could potentially escape. When my mind would no longer function in a coherent way (It's so difficult for me to think straight when my mind is naturally curvaceous), I laid back and pulled some paper out of my mouth and a pen out of my ear and began to write. “Write what?” you might ask. Well, I am a writer of fiction, nearly professional, in fact! There are those who don't appreciate my art, but they need to get over themselves and read something good for once.
I laid on my powerful abs and kicked my feet in the air behind me as I scribed myself. “Twilight Sparkle stared deep into the eyes of the dashing and noble Draconequus before her. Her eyes had been filled with tears from her horrible break up with her stallionfriend, and she was on rebound. The sexy, yet psychotic beauty before her was too much for her to handle, and she threw herself into his powerful arms.” I giggled like a school filly, or rather, a school full of fillies, and looked up at my paper. For some reason, it was still writing.
“No, don't write the giggling!” I ordered as it continued to write. “I'm not telling you to write right now! Stop writing everything I say! Oh, forget it.”
The paper and pen burst into flames and then turned into s'mores, fresh and hot. Without thinking about what they might do to my figure, I devoured them and rolled onto my back, preparing for a good night's sleep.
“There's just no working with some things.”
“Good morning, Discord.”
My eyes opened to see the visage of my captor, smiling cruelly over me, her hooves held what was probably a baseball bat to begin beating friendship into my head. I prepared myself for the vicious onslaught, only to look down and see it was just a loaf of bread.
“I made you breakfast in bed,” She whispered, “I hope you like it.”
It has to be another trap. Just like the food last night. She must have drugged me into thinking I couldn't get away. Clever girl... Oh, that's a good line! I'll use that when I write 'Twilight Eats A Human.' What was I worried about? Oh look, bread!
“Thank you, Fluttershy.” I feigned sincerity and flashed my winning smile as I took the loaf from her hooves.
“I need to go feed the animals in the woods today... Would you, um, like to come?” She whispered.
“Oh, I would love to,” Why did I say that? Think of a lie! “But I am allergic to fur.” Smooth.
“But... Don't you have... um... fur?” She coughed uneasily.
I looked down at myself. “Yes.” I nodded, then faked a pretty convincing sneeze. “See?”
“Oh, you poor thing.” She whimpered, pulling out a thermometer and a bag of ice for me from nowhere.
“I'll just have to stay in bed.” I muttered, dragging myself up the stairs, laying it on just thick enough for sympathy.
“That's okay. I'll bring back some allergy medicine once I feed the animals.” My captor lied as she walked out the door.
“Take your time,” I called, coughing and sneezing to add effect.
I laid back in bed, feeling sorry for myself until a thought came to mind.
Shouldn't I be trying to escape? “I can't... I'm sick, remember?” That was a lie! “Oh! Right!”
I kicked off the bedsheets and ran towards the front door, but stopped myself. What if it's booby trapped? “I wish you hadn't said that...” She probably knows that you're lying! She just wanted to see if you'd escape. Come on, man! We just need to keep this lie up a little longer, and she'll trust us enough to let her guard down. Then we can run! “Brain! You're brilliant!”
I must have been smoking the good stuff, because I did stay in bed that day. For three days, in fact. I was hatching my master escape plan, and it was going perfectly. Every day, I saw the lies and evil less and less in the eyes of my winged captor. There were times I thought I saw genuine concern! I promised to take my medicine. It's probably poison! Of course I was lying. I just slipped it under my tongue next to the vitamins I always told mommy I took.
By now, no matter what the flying cream-coloured pony would tell me to do, I would find some way of getting out of it. I was a master. She would tell me to eat my vegetables, I would turn them into chocolate as I ate them. She would tell me to enjoy breakfast, I would make a special effort to pretend to secretly hate it in the back of my mind, I think. She would tell me to make my bed, I would only pull the sheets and quilt up to the pillow. Oh, yes. I was bad to the bone. Look out, ponies, we have a badass over here.
“Good morning, Discord,” her beautiful smile greeted me again. Every morning seemed to be washed in her cream coloured glow. Wait. That's not right... She was obviously trying to kill me! Or was she? It's so hard to tell...
“Good morning, Fluttershy,” I fake smiled in return. Or was it a fake? Was I actually sincere? Is that even possible? Who am I even asking? It must have been fake. A real smile would have taken effort, and then I would have followed it with- “How was your rest?” Oh no...
“It was good.” My captor giggled, no doubt in... The most adorable way possible. Stop it! She is cute, though. She is trying to turn us into a Brony! Stop! You're confusing people!
“What will we do today?” I asked. Anything to say about that? No, carry on.
She considers the question for a moment, “I was thinking we could go see the birds,”
No.
“And then we could visit my friends,”
Hahahaha, no!
“And then maybe go see abandoned puppies,”
Oh, please! Don't make me laugh!
“And then finish it all with some ice cream.” She finished.
If you think I, Discord, Lord of Chaos, would even consider getting ice cream, then you-
“I would be delighted.”
WHAT!?
“That's wonderful.” Fluttershy bounced happily. No! It must have been a diabolical attempt to sway the gravity of the planet to hurl us into the sun!
...
...It wasn't one of my finer moments...
Will you be quiet and let me tell this the way I want to?
You can't be serious.
I will knock myself on the head if you don't shut up this instant.
Don't make me-
WHACK
“What was that for?” Fluttershy eyed the top of my head, where I had just whacked myself with a large mallet, and a lump began to form.
“Good measure.” I replied.
“Are you okay?” She rubbed the spot on my head tenderly.
“Fantastic, actually.” I replied. “So, what was it you said about puppies?”
