deadmau5 in Equestria
By Awesomedude17
Wake up, eat shit, do shit, sleep, repeat.
Wake up, eat shit, do shit, sleep, repeat.
Yep, if he was going to do this a third time this week, it'd be a Tuesday then.
Joel Zimmerman woke, stretched his legs, and yawned.
If this was going to be the same old day as any other, then he knew he was screwed.
He was bored, and his friends were now on tour.
He decided to fuck around with his helmet.
The mau5head, one of deadmau5's famed icons.
He put it one and walked around his Air Conditioned home.
He took his battery-powered toaster, put fresh batteries in it after finding his latest venture with it being underdone, and then put his bread in it to toast the bread into toast.
Yep, same old shit, different day to do this shit.
And then the toaster frizzed.
"What the hell? AH, piece of shit toaster." deadmau5 said as he approached the device with a wooden bowl and a spoon.
And then it exploded, not into pieces, but into a portal.
And Joel was close enough to walk through it instantly.
The next moment, he was in a forest, surrounded by quiet nature.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT!? Where am I?"
And then he was face to face with a bear.
Shocked and probably screwed, he held out the bowl and readied his spoon for combat.
The bear slapped the bowl out of his hand.
Yep...
"AHHHHHHHH AH AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH AHH AHHHHHHHHH!!!" deadmau5 screamed as he ran away from the charging bear.
A few minutes later, the bear gave up, and deadmau5 was now panting, tired from all the forced exercise he had just done, and fell backwards.
"Oh... OH fuck me... fucking bear tried to fucking eat me... oh god... ohhh..."
It was then he finally noticed a cyan pony with a rainbow mane looking at him.
At that moment, he got up onto his knees, and threw his fists into the air, knowing he was stuck in a world of ponies that was Equestria.
"WHY TOASTER, WHY?!"
"You can talk?!"
"Yes, I can fucking talk. Don't mind me, I was just busy almost passing out after a bear tried to fucking eat me and shit." Joel replied sarcastically.
"What, you got chased by a bear?"
"Fuck yeah, I did. It was not fun." deadmau5 said as he folded his arms and turned away.
"Okay then... So what's this about a toaster?"
"My battery-powered toasted fucking... blew to fucking pieces and opened this... fucking portal to this fucking world, and I looked at a bear with-with a bowl and a spoon in my hands and... Goddammit, it's like Skyrim all over again."
"Skyrim?"
"Oh shit, yeah, no PS3. Fuck." Joel stared off.
"Okay then... what's your name?"
"Joel."
"Weird name."
"Oh, like your name's any weirder to my standards?" Joel said to Rainbow Dash.
"Oh, you don't think Rainbow Dash is cool enough?"
"... Not really bro."
"Do ya wanna fight?"
"Hell no, I just finished running from a bear, that fucking thing nearly killed me. Now, if you will excuse me, I will go to that town to find the smartest pony there to take me back home so I can do my shit that I planned to do on Tuesday. Later Dashy." deadmau5 said as he walked away towards Ponyville.
Until Pinkie Pie popped up in front of him.
"Only I call Dashy Dashy, got it?"
"HOLY CRAP!!!" Joel yelled out as he jumped backwards, and ended up right on his ass.
"HEHE, you're funny, strange mouse-headed thing."
Joel then realized that he was still wearing his mau5head, and took it off to give his head a rest. No wonder he was out of breath.
"Oh, thank God that thing's off my head, it's fucking hot, man."
"OH, this is a helmet, can I wear it?" Pinkie said as she put it on without permission. "Wow, it's so mousy."
"Uh..." Was Joel's only response.
"Pinkie Pie."
"Yes Dashy?" Pinkie Pie said as she she tried to look at her friend, only to find the helmet not moving with her head.
"You look ridiculous, like that thing did when he wore it."
"Screw you!" Joel spat back.
"Bite me!"
"Guys, no fighting, please!" Pinkie pleaded, mau5head on backwards. "I can't stand my friends fighting."
"We just met, and you scared the shit out of me."
"Then you might want to change your pants pal." Pinkie replied in her usual cheery tone.
"No, not literally... fuck it, take me to a smart pony of something."
"OH OH! I can take you Twilight, she is the smartest, most sutaculous pony I have ever seen." Pinkie said as she put the helmet on deadmau5's head, grabbed him, and ran off.
"WOAH CRAP!!!"
"Did I hear that right? Because I don't think ponies can clap."
"Nevermind, Pink Pony Thing, take me to the smart one. Onwards, to victory, and pancakes!!!" deadmau5 might as well have some fun here if he was stuck here.
"YES, VICTORY AND PANCAKES FOR ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!"
Fuck me, I'm dreaming, right?
Twilight Sparkle was expecting something weird to happen.
It was the second Tuesday of May, something always happened to her that was weird.
As it always had been for the past eight years.
Then she heard her front door get flown open, and she looked at Pinkie carrying some kind of biped wearing a red helmet thing.
She knew it.
"Twilight, I'd like you to meet this mouse guy."
"...Pinkie, I doubt it can talk."
Joel's Troll Sense was tingling.
"Sup."
"Wait, it can really talk?!"
Yep, nailed it.
"Yes. Let me down Pinks."
"Okie Dokie Lokie." Pinkie said as she put Joel on his feet.
"Oh my gosh, I have to take notes on what is this thing, what it's like, what its diet's like."
Joel's Troll Sense was tingling again.
"I eat meat. Nuff said."
"Oh, so you're a carnivore?"
Shit.
"Uhh... I eat veggies too... just don't let me cook anything except Kraft Dinner." Joel said sincerely, as he was a terrible chef.
Must have been why the toaster sent him to another dimension.
"By the way, bring me back to my dimension."
"You're not from this dimension?"
"Nope."
"... Huh, I should've guess from the fact that I never seen a creature like you before."
Joel scoffed and folded his arms.
"Yeah, no shit, smartass."
"What did you call me?"
"...Smartass." Joel said bluntly.
"Do you have any idea what you're dealing with?"
"Err... no clue!" Joel shrugged, big goofy grin on his face.
Twilight whinnied, but sighed.
"All the more reason to bring you back to where you live. How'd you get here anyway?"
"My fucking battery-powered toaster blew up, man."
"A... battery... powered toaster?"
"Why would you need a battery-powered toaster? It doesn't make any sense!"
"I'd expect the purple one to say that, not you." Joel addressed Pinkie.
"Yeah, but why do you need a toaster that runs on batteries."
"Uhh... because what if I want toast, and the power's out? It has to run on batteries for that to happen! USE ALL OF THE BATTERIES!!! MAKE ALL THE TOAST!!!" deadmau5 screamed out like an idiot, holding his fist out.
"That... is... BRILLIANT!!!"
"Hell yeah!"
"Excuse me, I need to make a battery-powered toaster now, for FUN!!!" Pinkie dashed out of the room, leaving a confused Twilight, and a goofy deadmau5.
"That went well, didn't it?"
Twilight deadpanned.
"So... you got chow?" Joel said, still hungry.
"Sure... whatever... make yourself at home, in my library."
"Sweet."
"So, wait, this guy's here because his toaster exploded?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow.
"That's what he said, Spike."
"...That's stupid." Spike said after an awkward silence.
"I know, but he's sticking with that story."
"Alright... You think Celestia is gonna have fun talking to..."
"Joel." Twilight said.
"Joel?"
"Probably... I'm not sure."
deadmau5 had decided to just eat some cereal.
Tasted like oats.
Maybe because it was oats.
...
"Mmm... oats. Delish as fuck." Joel said in a deadpan manner.
And then came a few voices.
"Twilight, are you here?" Came a refined voice.
"Yeah, Twi, ya here?" Came a southern voice.
He could've sworn there was a third voice, but he then had a tingling sensation.
"My Troll Sense is tingling! To the Troll-Mobile!!!" Joel yelled out with an extended finger.
"...Shit, I left mine at home. Oh well, time to scare some horses, err, ponies, err, mares... fuck it."
Joel then saw that particular pretty, petty, powerful, pristine purple pony princess let in a white unicorn, an orange earth pony, and a yellow pegasus.
"Yep, that's Fluttershy. She decided to break off, this is my chance."
Joel casually walked up behind the two mares, who were in a heated discussion about... well, him apparently.
"Is he really that harmless?" Applejack asked with skepticism.
"I agree with Applejack, are you sure he's not danger-"
"OOGA BOOGA WOOGA!!!"
The two mares screamed and jumped into Twilight's forelegs, who was struggling with carrying the two mares.
"HAHAHA, OH FUCK, THAT'S SO FUNNY, HAHAAAAA HAHA!!!"
"Joel!"
"This is that... Joel pony?" Rarity cringed as he took off the helmet and put it aside.
"He don' look like a pony ta me."
"Gee, thanks for noticing. maybe the next thing you'll notice is that I'm on two legs."
"So we noticed." The fashionista replied in dull manner.
"So, where're ya from?" Applejack asked.
"Another world, in a place called Canada, eh?" Joel said in a stereotypical Canadian accent.
"Caneighda?"
"Yeah, okay then, but my own Canada. Filled with humans, and stuff... stuff... SHtuff." deadmau5 sneered, acting immature as usual.
"... Yer alright?"
"As alright as I'll ever be when I get from one world to another because my toaster blew up."
The mares were silent.
"I'm sorry, did you say you came here because... your toaster blew up?" Rarity asked, confused.
"Well, it was battery-powered."
"Yes, and now, I CAN MAKE TOAST IN A POWER OUTAGE!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" Pinkie came in, laughing manically.
"Wait, what?"
"What are you talking about Pinkie?"
"I just built a battery-powered toaster, and a battery-powered toaster oven." Pinkie said with a big smile.
"Oh shit, now I want a battery-powered toaster oven." Joel mock yelled.
"Why would ya build a consarned battery-powered toaster? Don't make no sense to me."
"Because what if you want toast, and you have a power outage?" Pinkie ask-replied.
"I'd... ewrr... wait until the power came back on Pinkie."
"Well what if the it takes to long, and your craving for toast becomes so bad, you'd literally burn the house down, just for some toast!?!?" Pinkie yelled as she was face to face with Applejack.
"Pinkie, yer scarin' me." Applejack stepped back a bit.
"What's we miss?" Rainbow Dash asked as she flew in through the front door with Fluttershy, who upon seeing Joel, had a look of fear, awe, and confusion, all in one.
"Nothing, just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, Rainbow." Twilight assured Rainbow.
"All because I mentioned a battery-powered toaster, and I was like, 'WHY TOASTER, WHHHHHY!?!?' and... fucking... gnarly shit like that shit, man." Joel then shrugged. "I got nothing."
Fluttershy felt strange around this man, she was confused. It wasn't love, but she had no idea whether to feel scared, and humored at this man.
"You know what... just go around, an' don't do anythang stupid, and we'll be fine."
"Alright..." Joel held out his finger.
"TO THE COFFEE SHOP!!!"
"And that's why I came here." Joel explained to Vinyl Scratch as he took a sip of his double espresso coffee.
"Huh, sounds pretty weird. So you leaving soon?"
"Unless a battery-powered toaster blows up, I'm stuck here, so I guess 'fuck-it.'"
"Sounds about right."
"Joel, come to Sugarcube Corner, there's something you might want to see." Twilight said, flying over the two.
"Is it a portal that appeared because of some half-assed reason?"
"Well, Pinkie didn't do the wiring right, but yes."
"Bitchin', let's go." Joel got up, and left.
"Hey! You're just gonna leave me with the check?"
"I have no money!" Joel yelled out as he continued marching.
"Oh that rotten, SON OF A HORSE!!!"
"So any last words before we enter Sugar-"
"Race ya to the portal!" Joel dashed through the door, where he heard a sound come from the kitchen, entered the kitchen, and jumped through it.
The portal closed, leaving six mares, with varying emotions on this event.
"Aww, he left before I even gave him a party."
"Geeze, what a jerk."
"Musta loved his home."
"Hmph!"
"Oh, my."
"Dangit Joel."
Joel hopped to the other side, where he saw where he was.
Not fucking home.
"Where the fuck am I?"
"Oh hey, looky here guys, some guy appeared outta nowhere." Some scrawny, Bostonian guy walked out of nowhere, wearing a red shirt.
"Where the hell am I, and where can I get some Carney's?"
"Dis here's Tuefort pally, and Carney's?" The red-shirted man asked.
Joel dropped to his knees again, and put his fists into the air.
"WHY AGAIN TOASTER, WHHHHHYYYYYYY?!?!?!
"Dunno what ya talkin' 'bout pal, but sound like ya had a half-assed adventure."
"Yeah kinda. Name's Joel."
"Just call me Scout."
"That's stupid."
"You're stupid."
"Nu-uh."
"Uh-huh."
And the two bickered all the way to the RED base, where Engineer then teleported Joel back to his real home.
The End
Author's Note
Honestly, I'm pumping these troll-fic like copy-paper, and who else but deadmau5 for this episode.
