Chapters Author's Note
WARNING: Side effects of reading this story may include but are not limited to: screaming, blindness, sore throat, psychosis, anger issues, broken computers, more anger issues, being repetitive, being repetitive, being repetitive, being repetitive, being repetitive, being annoying, hating irony, being ironic, hating people who try to be ironic, and depression. Do not read if you haven't been in a mental hospital. Pregnant women should keep from reading in order to make sure that they and their baby stay sane. Since I listed all of this, you can't sue me for whatever happens.
Stay Out
"Celestia, I will say this one more time, and one more time only: Stay. Out. Of. My. Room!"
Luna slammed the door in her all-powerful sister's face, grumbling loud enough for all of Equestria to hear.
Celestia groaned and collapsed in front of the door. "But, Luna, you let the guards in here all the time!"
"Correction: they barge in. And I beat them to a pulp!"
"Tomato, apple pie! Please, let me in!"
"Why? You never let me in your room!"
"That's because there are things in there that if you look at them, every last shred of innocence and peace will leave your body."
"Celestia, you do realize that 'Hansel and Gretel' isn't a horror story, right?"
"But they kill a witch! They throw her in an oven, Luna! It's madness! Why, I've tried banning the books, but to no avail! My only hope is to study them until I find the hidden message other than 'push witches into ovens', then warn everypony so they know that the books must be destroyed!"
"I'm ignoring you now."
"But, Luna-"
"Ignoring you!"
"Luna, really, that's just-"
"LA! La, la la la LA la, la la la la! Trolololololol, gooble fleeble dee heidenmeberched! Blarp, bleep, I'm the princess of the night, so of course they run in fear!"
"Luna, that's the most childish thing that you could possibly do."
"If you don't go away, I shall play the song!"
"Luna, don't."
"Then go!"
"But, Luna-"
A horrible, disgusting song began to play. Ponies, griffons, and all the other creatures I don't feel like listing shrieked and howled in pain as the hideous noises continued. Twilight recognized the tortuous melody from her time in the alternate dimension: it was called a 'boy band'.
In Ponyville, Twilight had brought DJ Pon-3 to play dubstep, the only known way to successfully fight the awful cacophony. As the dubstep reached Canterlot, the horrid music finally died down. Luna stumbled out of her room, ears bleeding.
"Oh, Luna, you must never do that again!" Celestia hugged her sister. "Didn't you wear earplugs?"
"I tried, b-but the awful noises made them disintegrate!" Luna burst into tears.
Well, Luna, I hope you've learned a lesson today."
"Hey, I have!" Luna smiled at her sister, then teleported into her room. "It taught me that you need to stay away from my room!"
Celestia sighed and trotted to her throne. "What could she possibly be hiding from me? I mean, it has to be something horrible, awful, and downright horrible."
A guard standing by her throne coughed. "Your Highness, you... uh... said 'horrible' twice."
"That's because it must be horrible times two if she refuses to let me see! I mean, only horrible, awful, horrible ponies don't let me see their things! Therefore, she must have some sort of terrifyingly evil secret she's hiding from me!"
"Terrifyingly evil? I wanna know! I wanna know!" Discord appeared out of fat air. It would've been thin air, but Discord had been gaining weight lately. "Have not! Anyways, what's going on?"
"Go away, Discord. You're not supposed to be in this story." Celestia sighed and began pacing. "What if she's trying to take over Equestria?"
"I doubt she'd do that," one of her guards said. "I doubt she'd want to return to the moon."
"What if she's killing ponies and using them in her cupcakes?"
"Hey, that's what I do!" Pinkie glared at Celestia. "Get a writer, you hack!"
"O... kay... well, what if she's the one giving those awful horror stories to innocent foals and she's trying to hide her work from me?"
"I doubt it," Steve replied. "Luna hates fairy tales, since that was all you gave her on the moon."
"Wait, who are you?" Celestia stared at Steve.
"I'm Steve! You know, the square guy from Minecraft! I like making cookies, but since cocoa beans are only available in the jungle, and I live in the desert, I can only play in creative mode or I'll starve to death."
Another Steve burst in. "Dude, what are you talking about? I live in the mountains, not the jungle."
Yet another square sentient being came in. "Don't listen to those fakes! I'm the real Steve, and I live wherever I want, 'cause I've got a boat!"
Celestia sent a blast of through the castle, destroying all of the Steves at once. "Yeesh, that was just awful! I wonder if that was Luna's fault..."
"Luna hates Steve. She changed the skin once she learned how." The guard who kept talking threw his rubber spear at the other guard, who was dozing away.
"Wait, your spears are rubber?"
"Shining Armor says real spears are for winners," the sleepy guard mumbled.
"But you two guard my throne! You need real spears in case somepony tries to attack me!"
"But we have Twilight to take your place!"
"You would let me die just because Twilight could easily fill my position and already does so on a regular basis?! You two must be punished!" Celestia sighed and sent the guards to the moon. "My, today has just been filled with sighing, and it's all because Luna won't let me in her room."
Luna trotted out of her room, rolling her eyes. "Celestia, you didn't send them to the moon. You sent them to your room. And by the sound of it, they found all of your conspiracy theories for Hansel and Gretel."
"There's also theories for Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Peter Pan, Little Red Riding Hood, and even the seemingly innocent Little Mermaid! They're all filled with lies and hatred, and completely inappropriate for young minds!" Celestia stamped her hoof. "Clearly, you heard them gasping in awe of how brilliant I am."
The guards trotted out of Celestia's room, laughing their heads off.
"She says that Hansel and Gretel had a secret agenda to tell kids to get lost in the forest and murder innocent mares living in nice houses! Can you believe it?"
"Well, I found one where she thought Snow White was a way of brainwashing children into thinking big families are evil!"
"Ridiculous! Wanna get a donut?"
"Yeah, sure."
Celestia sighed. "They probably didn't decipher my secret code correctly, anyways."
Luna seemed surprised. "You have a secret code?"
"Of course I do! A is 1, B is 2, C is 3, D is 4, E is 5, F is 6, G is 7, H is 8, I is 9, J is 10..."
The spy who had been posing as a guard looked over her document she'd stolen from Celestia's room. Once deciphered, it read, "Sleeping Beauty teechez fillys to fall asleep for long peereods of tyme so that they can get mareed." She tossed the paper away and trotted off in bitter disgust.
The moo princess rolled her eyes. "Celestia, now everypony knows your secret code. And if you'd written the code in numbers, then how would they know what it was saying?"
"Well, I did have somepony make me a tapestry depicting the code so I wouldn't forget..."
Luna went back into her room.
Luna was munching on some toast with butter. Philomena was enjoying a little bit of free time, flying around everypony's heads and making noises as if she were going to peck them. The guards were talking about Celestia's ridiculous theories.
Celestia, however, was nowhere to be found.
This was discovered when one especially stupid guard went searching for the snow-white princess to tell her how to spell 'the'.
Luna panicked and ran into her room, screaming gibberish that sounded something like a banshee wailing 'My babies must not eat pie' along with a werewolf howling 'Peter picked a pint of pickled peppers'.
The guards sent a letter to Princess Twilight Sparkle to 'ask help for the search of ~~Her Supreme Highness Miss Conspiracy Theory Sunbuttface~~ Princess Celestia, who has seemingly gone missing. We have not been able to find her in two minutes and we are deeply concerned about her well-being. Also, if she is found dead, report to Canterlot immediately to take Celestia's place. Killing her if you find her is perfectly acceptable if you'd like to secure your position as Keeper of the Day and Princess of Friendship.'
Twilight soon came to Canterlot, a sobbing Celestia following her. "She came into my castle, ate all my ice cream, and left puddles of water everywhere! Then she tried to tell me something, but I couldn't understand her!"
"See? I told you, Twilight!" Celestia sucked in a deep breath and started eating another gallon of ice cream. "Nofony unnersfands me!"
"I just said, I can't understand you!" Twilight sighed and pushed Celestia towards the guards. "You take her! I have legitimate problems to attend to with my friends!" She flew away grumbling.
Just as she left, Luna trotted out of her room, much calmer than she was before. "Oh, hello, Celestia. Where have you been?"
"I... went to my.. only friend's house... to eat ice cream... and complain, 'cause... that's what Cadence did to me when... Shining Armor broke up with her when... they were first dating and... Fleur De Lis wasn't married, but... she was already dating... Blueblood, so than Shining got... Fleur to break up with him, but... Fleur was actually older then them, so... she dated Fancypants, until he finally proposed... and then Shining Armor started eating corndogs, and then... Blueblood came into my room to eat... all my ice cream and whine about his problems..." Celestia burst into tears and shoved more ice cream into her mouth, shouting some unintelligible gibberish through the melting murky mandarin mush.
Luna rolled her eyes. "I'm going to my room, so stay out, Celestia." She trotted to her room, yelled 'stay out' again, then slammed the door.
Celestia shook her head and snarled, "I must get in that room!" She shot a beam of bananas at the door, only to smash them all on the wood. Yellow gluck and bruised peels littered the floor in front of Luna's room.
"Hmph! Well, maybe if I ask nicely..." Celestia trotted to her sister's door, only to slip on the banana mess.
Now, typically, what would happen was that Celestia would crash into something, get up, and set a guard on fire to divert attention. But today was King Sombra's national holiday, also known as Equestrian Stairs Day, and there were stairs everywhere. The room looked like MC Escher had watched My Little Pony before drawing.
Celestia tumbled down one set of stairs, got up to take a few steps, then tumbled up another set, this time going through a doorway into the same set of stairs she had tumbled down previously, only this time she was tumbling sideways. Then she landed on the balcony, stumbled up to the sun, screamed and flew off, landed on a set of stairs again, and tumbled into the Crystal Empire, where the Crystal ~~Pansies~~ Ponies were cowering in fear at the sight of so many stairs. Celestia them tumbled up a flight of stairs into the heart of the castle, only to tumble down the original and very large flight Sombra himself had created.
The process reversed itself, and when she finally arrived back in her castle, the snow-white princess looked like somepony had dumped charcoal and blue ink all over the snow. There wasn't a single spot on her body that wasn't sore.
Celestia retreated to her room, crying and eating another gallon of ice cream.
Cadence trotted in, looking very concerned. "Aunt Celestia, is something wrong? I know most ponies don't like Equestria Stairs Day, but you seem to be taking it badly."
"Mi muff wannen yo myet minhu Moona's moo!" Celestia swallowed the ice cream, then began to bawl again. The room got flooded quickly.
"Celestia, I can't understand a word you're saying!"
Celestia rolled her eyes, stopped crying, and said, "I just wanted to get into Luna's room! Is that too much to ask?"
"Everypony needs their secrets, Tia! I mean, I'm sure you have your own secrets!"
"But everypony knows my secrets. Like how I invented shipping as a way to humiliate bronies and show off how stupid they are, but they thought it was a good idea and kept doing it."
The screen got all wavy, signaling a flashback was occurring.
"Luna, look at what these humans are doing! Writing false stories about us for their own amusement!" Celestia looked through the papers. "My, if only there were a way to truly show the world what idiots these 'bronies' truly are..."
"You said 'truly' twice," Luna said. "And love is the ultimate weakness. What if?..."
"I know!" Celestia burst into laughter. "I'll create something where they make two ponies fall in love with each other! But what to call it?"
"Sign here for shipping," a mailpony said.
Celestia gasped and pushed the pony aside. "Shipping! That's it! The bronies will use it, and soon everypony will know just how stupid these creatures really are!"
The screen got wavy again, ending the flashback. Celestia shuddered. "Now, I recoil in disgust every time I hear-"
"Sign here to pay for shipping," A mailpony said. Celestia screamed and ran away.
The guards had her conspiracy theories and were comparing how stupid they were. Celestia set all of them on fire(the guards, not the theories, stupid) then trotted to Luna's room. "Luna, please let me in."
There was no answer.
"Luna, let me in."
No answer.
"Luna."
No answer.
"Luna."
No answer.
"Luna."
No answer.
"Luna."
No answer.
"Luna."
Okay, you know what, Celestia? I'm getting tired of this. Knock it off. She's busy and she can't/won't hear you. Stop it so I can make you do something interesting.
"Luna."
THIS CHAPTER IS OVER.
"Ha! That stupid narrator finally left! Now, I can put my plan into action!" Celestia laughed evilly.
Discord appeared out of fat air again. "That's not how you laugh evilly," he snarled.
"You're not in this story, you idiot! Get out!" Celestia pushed Discord off of the screen and out of the story. However, since she can only mess with what I haven't written yet, the two Discord scenes stayed in place. Discord did not appear for the rest of the story.
"Now, I'm going to kick Luna's door down!" Celestia poked the door with her hoof, grunting loudly. She kept poking and grunting until Luna poked her head out.
"Celestia-ow! Stop-ow! Stop-ow! STOP POKING ME!" Luna slapped Celestia and slammed the door in her sister's face.
The sun princess' jaw dropped. "She... slapped me..." She bowed her head, then declared in a regal voice, "Luna, I have no choice other than to send you to the moon once more." Celestia cast a spell that set all of the guards on fire again.
Cadence trotted over to Celestia. "Maybe if you showed your sister some love-"
"NO!" Celestia pushed Cadence away. "You're not in this story anymore! Love is useless!" She sighed, then shot a beam of ultra-powerful magic at the door. Nothing happened. "Oh, Luna, why can't you let me in?"
She turned around to find some ice cram, only to fall down a flight of stairs.
Author's Note
Alliteration awards aren't always awesome, and ants always ate awards at afternoon.
View Online
What Part of 'Stay Out' Don't You Understand?
The next day, Celestia did three things:
She had Luna make her a sandwich.
She banned stairs.
She got into Luna's room.
How she got into Luna's room was a long story. It was so long, in fact, that I'm not even going to tell you all of it because my fingers are tired and I'm an American, and as an American I have the right to be lazy. However, since I am not French, I'm not allowed to give up, so I have to give some sort of explanation.
You see, Celestia had been camping out by Luna's door when it suddenly just opened all by itself. Celestia was so delighted, she started hooting and hollering, which led to another stair incident. The guards had 'forgotten' to take down all the stairs for Equestrian Stairs Day.
The princess finally made her way back to her sister's room, and sure enough, the door was still open. It beckoned her inside, almost begging her to come see what her sister was hiding.
"I mustn't." Celestia turned away, posing regally. She then dashed inside and slammed the door shut.
When she first got in, she was scared that she's see decapitated heads and body parts hanging from the ceiling, but it looked like a normal room.
All of it was normal except... the fireplace.
The fireplace was covered in silver, with unnaturally multicolored flames spouting from empty candlesticks. Hideous faces had been engraved into the silver, leering mouths and glaring eyes threatening anypony who dared to look. Black diamonds studded the bottom, shining menacingly. Charred logs with bits of blue-purple smoke wafting out of them lay in the center.
Celestia poked the logs and was whisked into another room.
Shelves lined the gold walls, all of which had dolls on them. Each shelf was cleanly labeled. From left to right, top to bottom, the shelves were:
'Party Poison', 'Murder Mystery', 'Reality', 'Pony Mythology', 'Crap Celestia Gave Me', 'Super Rare Collectibles', 'Cool Stuff My Friends Gave Me', 'Stuff I Made On The Moon', 'From Daddy', 'When Chrysalis got that doll-making set Celestia didn't like so she gave it to me because she wanted to be Celestia's friend', 'Stolen from Random Ponies', 'Baker's Cottage', 'Super Adventure Squad of Awesomeness' and 'On The Farm'.
The shelves 'Super Adventure Squad of Awesomeness' and 'Baker's Cottage' were empty. Luna was in the midst of the room, playing with about twenty dolls.
"Oil Slick shoots rotten apples at Core Face! But suddenly, Evil Empress Sunbutt comes out of nowhere to shoot comets at them all! Apple Apple Apple starts turning ponies into tacos, creating a delicious predicament! Can Lacewing get everything under control? No! Because her laser beam eyes are broken! They only shoot rainbows, and rainbows are only useful if they're a torainbow, so the rainbows were totally useless as a weapon but they looked nice, so that attracted Sweet Tooth, who started eating a taco, but it wasn't a taco, it was Flymouth! Taco-Flymouth started screaming at the top of his girly little taco lungs, scaring the stuffing out of Sweet Tooth, so she spit it out and stomped on it! But that made Apple Apple Apple Angry, so she ate Sweet Tooth all in one bite! NOM!
"Empress Sunbutt kicked Apple Apple Apple in the butt, so then she had to spit out Sweet Tooth! Pow! Pow! And then everypony started shooting lasers out of their butts, creating a laser war! POW POW WBAM KAWKAWKAKWKAWKAW PEW PEW PEW! But Oil Slick spit a bunch of slimy changeling glop everywhere, trapping Lacewing and Apple Apple Apple in a position that made it look like they were trying to rip each other's throats out with their teeth, and then Milky Face started throwing explosive milk bottles everywhere! Kapow, kaboom, kablamo! But Lacewing was freed by the explosion, so then she started throwing mud at AppleApple Apple! Apple Apple Apple was so mad, she tried to shoot deadly bat-lasers at lacewing, but then Flymouth became a pony again and caught the bats with his giant mouth! Then he started screaming really loud, prompting Henpeck to beat him to a pulp! TAKE THAT! AND THAT! AND THAT! HA, HA, YOU WHINER!
"But Princess Lazyface ate a golden apple, giving her draconequus powers just like Apple Apple Apple, who had made the golden apples in the first place! She started making everything explode, and they were really loud explosions, like KAPOOO WOWAWA FLEEBLEKAPOW MORPENDIE! The Lazyface started eating everypony in sight, but she only ate their legs, so then ponies were trying to walk on bones but it was all painful and they kept bleeding, so there was blood EVRYWHERE! And then all of a sudden everypony exploded-KAPOOIE!-and then went back to normal! Everypony except Duke Fartsy, who started creating magnetic ants that could throw knives at clowns, who were specially trained to start singing human pop songs when hurt! Everypony's ears were so badly hurt, they all started exploding!
"Then Missy Eloise, the pony who thinks she's a kitten, started playing with a ball of yarn! Mew! Meow! Mew mew mew! Aw, she's adorable! Then she throws the ball, which hits Lacewing in the head, causing her to lose her memory! Lacewing thinks she's a draconequus, so then Apple Apple Apple turns her into a draconequus, and then they start doing the Evil Dragon Victory dance, even though they aren't dragons! Then Hansel and Gretel the Siamese Twins That Aren't From Siam start dancing around and singing bout lederhosen! Everypony dies because the song is so bad, and then it's a whole 'nother day, so it's time to PARTY! Lacewing starts eating cheese even though she's a draconequus who thinks that lizards hate cheese, and then Lazyface eats a golden apple, so then she explodes because she's allergic to apples!
"Suddenly, Fartsy declares that the grand Galloping Gala will be held in two seconds, and everypony rushes to get their Gala clothes on! Except for Apple Apple Apple, who starts eating a bunch of Gala apples! Silly Apple Apple Apple hates galas, and she wants everypony to be destroyed, so she makes a licorice bomb, but it doesn't explode right and everypony just ends up with a mouth full of licorice! Empress Sunbutt starts using ponies like they're puppets, but Flymouth doesn't mind because he gets to eat all the flies he could ever want! Then Oil Slick farts and everything explodes and then everything gets so explodey we all have to start over the end!" Luna burst into maniacal laughter and threw the dolls up into the air, making explosion noises.
Celestia backed away slowly and never went into Luna's room ever again.
Author's Note
RED LINES
