Life of Sin

by Thyrai

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance
Length: 5192

Rainbow Dash keeps a short diary after she returns to Ponyville.

Rainbow Dash keeps a short diary after she returns to Ponyville.

Published 2014-08-01 04:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-01 04:40:06 UTC

I.

When I was a filly, I loved when my dad would read me bedtime stories. Every evening I would look forward to the time when he would trot into my room and ask me what adventure we were on that night. This all came to an end abruptly one day, not necessarily because I wanted them to, but because I grew up. I’ll never forget the night I yelled at him about how I wasn’t a filly anymore, and I wouldn’t stop screaming until he left. He looked sad and hurt, and it made me feel sad and hurt, too. He didn’t read me anymore stories after that day, but I know he would have if I’d asked.

It wasn’t his fault. I was insecure, and I learned the hard way that it’s never a good idea to let anypony know too much about your personal life if you care what they think. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I think I got teased for being a baby because I let my dad read me stories at whatever age I was at the time. I decided from then on that I’d make sure nopony ever saw any side of me that could be seen as uncool. I never read anything since then until Twilight came along.

It’s winter. Everypony hates winter because it’s cold, dark, the snow gets in everyone’s way, and the days are too short. I like winter. The snow seems to calm everything down, and it’s like the world just gets a bit more quiet and peaceful. Twilight says that’s because snow is porous and absorbs sound. Twilight is really smart. I wish I was smart. I’ve never admitted it out loud, but I think it’s pretty cool that she knows how the world works and can talk about really complicated science stuff in what seems to be coherent sentences. She used to talk excitedly and with big bright eyes when she got on topics like how reality gets all messed up and complicated when you look at really small things. Things, I thought, as small as my brain. She didn’t think it was very funny when I said I’d donate my brain to quantum research when I die.

I didn’t really listen to Twilight a whole lot. No, that’s not the right way of saying it. I didn’t hear Twilight a whole lot. She loves to ramble, and I think she knew I never really heard much of what she said when she was in science mode. It didn’t bother her. She used me as an excuse to talk to herself without looking like a total dork. I think it helps her think about hard things when she vocalizes her thoughts. I liked when she talked to me when she was actually talking to herself. It didn’t matter at all to her that I didn’t understand what all those covalent differential ion quark compounds were or what they were used for, but I liked to listen to her voice. It’s really sweet and relaxing, just like winter. I never told her that, though.

It was weird when I came back to Ponyville. I’ve been gone for about two years, and I kinda expected life here to pause until I got back. It didn’t. Pinkie Pie had a party for me, but it really didn’t help the shock of going from the life I’ve been living to being a regular pony again in a slightly different version of my old town. Rarity spends most of her time in Manehattan these days making dresses and stuff, Twilight has like a million princess things to do every day, and Fluttershy spends most of the year in Canterlot getting a formal education in veterinary medicine. Applejack and Pinkie are the only two of us that haven’t had any crazy life changes.

Applejack built a new silo while I was away. I don’t like it because I wasn’t around to help build it, which would have been to add my very helpful comments while I would watch AJ work from my napping spot in one of her trees. The tower feels foreign, like it shouldn’t exist yet. It’s like a towering memorial of how much things change in just two years. I guess you never really notice much change when you’re living in it, but you sure do when you’ve come back home from being away awhile. Every day I see a thousand little reminders that time has made sure our lives won’t ever be the same as they used to be.

I met some new ponies while I was away, but not many I’d consider close. Soarin’, Fleetfoot, and Spitfire were both my teammates and my friends, but they weren’t friends like my friends back at home. I can tell Fluttershy anything and she’ll never make me feel judged, and I can tell Pinkie I’m having a bad day and she’ll literally move a mountain or two if that’s what it would take to cheer me up. I can always get honest advice from Applejack, fashion advice from Rarity and accurate knowledge from the talking encyclopedia we call Twilight. It wasn’t the same with my team friends. I think Soarin’ liked me. I liked him, too, but not in that way. It’s not like we would have even had the time to date, anyway.

Every day I was gone I thought about my friends, and that’s what got me through the long months away from home. It was okay for awhile, but I knew that life wasn’t really for me almost as soon as I said my goodbyes and spent my first night wide awake thinking of how long two years was going to be. I’m grateful for the experience, though. It gave me a new perspective on my life, about where I am and where I want to be. I have a clearer idea of who I really am now. I’m a weather pony, honorary sister and the only pony in Ponyville with her own fanclub. This is my home, and this is where I’m the happiest.

Speaking of my friends, I’ve started to notice something really concerning. I don’t see nearly as much of them as I used to. I know our friendship is always going to be there, the fate and security of Equestria sort of count on it, but I feel like our bonds have crumbled a bit. Our lives have gotten in the way of one another, with work and school and fame all competing for attention. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when my friends start getting interested in romantic crap. All of us will take a back seat to some guy that just happens to strike my friend’s fancy. Then they might even have kids. Will I even be a significant pony in their lives anymore? I’m scared. They’re everything to me.

II.

I like the sky. It’s not just because I love flying or because it made me famous, either. I just think it’s really pretty. It’s especially pretty at night with all of the stars and the big glowing moon. Earlier today I went to Twilight’s huge crystal library tree thing to look for something fun and adventurous to get back into reading. Something like Daring Do. I don’t really get the whole decimal system, and I couldn’t find Spike or Twilight, so after wandering around a bit a really colourful book about space caught my eye. It was a kid’s book, technically, but I can’t understand all the complicated science stuff in any of Twilight’s textbooks, so it was perfect.

I must have been lost in the pictures of the planets, stars, galaxies, and simple explanations for a good hour or two before I was interrupted. I threw myself over the pages when Twilight asked me what I was reading. I wasn’t ashamed or anything, just surprised. She was really busy with something, but she stopped whatever it was to talk to me.

That’s the sad thing now. She’s so involved with being a princess that doesn’t talk to herself anymore. She doesn’t talk to herself through me about her crazy chemistry experiments, because I don’t think she’s done any at least since I came back, and probably not for a long time before then. Today, though, I saw a little bit of something I haven’t seen in over two years. She smiled and talked excitedly with big bright eyes just like I remember when she saw the page I was on about different types of stars. It made me smile, too. She was glad to see that I considered expanding my taste beyond fictional adventure novels, especially to books about science. I told her that I thought it didn’t really qualify as a real science book, but she said that science isn’t all about filling a whiteboard with complicated equations. I guess I’m a bit of a beginner scientist now.

Twilight wondered if I would be interested in another book about astronomy, and after about one entire second of consideration, five of them floated off the shelves in her freaky purple magic cloud. They were a bit more advanced than the one I had, but she was confident that I could understand them if I tried. I stayed in the library a little bit longer to finish off a chapter of the one I was reading, then I checked out all the books she recommended. Being off weather duty for the weekend, the only thing I really felt like doing when I got home was to get a start on them, so I did.

As I was reading, I remembered a certain quirk I found out about the one who had given them to me. Before I left, I knew Twilight could be found every Sunday night without fail in a particular field a little outside Ponyville with a telescope and notebook. She never told anypony she went out there, except for possibly Spike (who would never spill someone else’s secret), but I spied her doing it ever since she came to Ponyville. I’m not creepy or anything, I just like to fly at night sometimes. It’s in my nature to prank my friends and razz them around a bit whenever I see a good opportunity, but it never occurred to me to swoop down to give her a noogie or a good scare when she was doing her space stuff. She always looked so captivated and focussed on her work. Sometimes I would sit on a cloud and watch her. Maybe she’s the one that inspired my own affection for all those lights in the sky.

Perhaps she’d like some company out there. There’s nopony in the local area she really knows that has a keen interest for science stuff, especially not space science stuff. I wonder if she’d object to having me there with her for a night? Maybe she’ll talk through me to herself, and maybe I’ll actually understand some of what she’s saying this time. I’m a beginner scientist, after all.

III.

I waited in the field outside Ponyville last night. Twilight didn’t show up.

V.

There’s something wrong with Twilight. I know ponies change over time, and our lives aren’t at all what they used to be, but I know Twilight. There’s something more to it. For one, she always looks sad in her eyes as she rushes from her appointments to the train station for short day-trips to surrounding cities, and then back again in time for more appointments. For another, she’s always exhausted and anxious like some huge responsibility is constantly weighing on her shoulders. Also, for as long as I’ve know her, she’s always had a streak of snarkiness and sarcasm, which I’ve always thought was kinda cute and funny, but these days it’s become cynical and almost mean more than anything else. It’s especially prevalent when things aren’t absolutely perfect or when she’s stressed, which is all the time.

I’ve seen all of this mostly firsthoof, since I’ve been feeling really nerdy lately and I spend absolutely crazy amounts of time in the library when I’m not working or hanging with my awesome sister. Sometimes I’ll be there for an hour or two a day! Past me would be ashamed, but present me is even more ashamed that past me would have been ashamed that I’d discovered this new part of me. I’m still not smart at all compared to like any of my friends, but I’m working on it. Applejack said that’s all that counts, but she still teases me. I tease her back to show her how much I appreciate her. I think she understands.

But while I’ve been becoming a massive nerd, I’ve seen lot of Twilight. What I find most disturbing is that I don’t see her reading books anymore. She does read a lot, sure, but not books. Most of what she reads are scrolls filled with bills, proposals, politics, and other tedious crap. She’ll deal with one of them with a signature or something, and then move onto the next. She looks like she’s about to pull her hair out and start bawling more and more with each consecutive one she opens up. I’ve tried to say something nice or ask if she wanted to go out and get some food or something to take a break, but she snapped at me both times. She said Equestria doesn’t run itself, and that some ponies actually need to get some work done. She apologized afterwards.

She still helps me find books to read about different things, but my favourites are still astronomy and easy science. It’s almost like I can physically feel the longing she has when she looks at them. Today she recommended a book about really interesting ponies in history. I got a good look at her eyes, and they had a red tint to them. I think she cries at night.

I’m going to fix her. I don’t know how, but I’m going to. I can’t stand seeing my best friend like this. I want her sweet wintery voice to come back to what it was when her biggest concern in life was how her favorite author delayed their book signing by an extra month. I want to be confused and bored when she tells me all of the technical details of some ridiculous new apparatus she’s made for taking measurements of the Pinkie Sense.

I’ve talked with Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie, and Spike about her. They’ve all noticed Twilight’s been getting more un-Twilight every day as well. We think we know why.

VII.

I took the train to Canterlot to see Fluttershy today. She was really happy to see me, and she introduced me to some of the friends she’d made at her academy. They were alright, I guess. There wasn’t anything special about any of them, but as long as they treated Fluttershy properly, they were fine by me. And if they didn’t, I’d be there in a shot to kick their flanks to somewhere a lot further than the moon.

But seeing Fluttershy wasn’t the only reason I took the trip. I did something that might make Twilight very, very mad if she ever finds out about it. It’s not like I had a choice, though. It’s not very smart to put up giant buckets to catch the rain, you gotta go straight to the source and give the cloud a good buck to fix the problem.

When I walked up to Canterlot Castle, the guards immediately recognized me and let me in. I still can’t get used to all the special treatment I get since I’m a double celebrity. The only time I was stopped was by some high ranking stallion looking for an autograph for his kid, but I knew it was really for him. I tried to psyche myself up by trotting to the throne room with my head high and my chest confidently puffed out, just like I was trained to do for all those magazine photoshoots.

The other reason I went to Canterlot was to see Princess Celestia. She was surprised to see me, especially since I was alone. I’ve never talked with her without my friends around, and even I was a little bit intimidated. She’s really nice, though, and I think it’s because she’s gone through a lot of crap in her life. How long has she been around, anyway? At least a thousand years. That’s gotta be older than Granny Smith. It’s still a mystery to me how the princess manages to not look like a fossil.

Celestia almost spat out her tea when I told her about what was going on with Twilight. I think I was a little bit more terse than I should have been when I explained how much garbage she’s been going through every day, and how it was really getting obvious that it was destroying her. I even told her she was a massive jerk for ruining Twilight’s life by making her a princess. I regret that.

She looked almost angry, but thankfully not at me. She told me something that changed everything. She explained that the government isn’t entirely run by the princesses. I always thought the castle was just for show, but apparently they have ponies there that actually do things of practical use to society. She figured that Twilight, in her eagerness to prove herself as a princess, must be taking on far more office work than she was ever meant to. I guess she missed the part that she was the princess of friendship, not the princess of paperwork.

Leave it to Twilight to be so idiotic. That’s her problem, honestly. She’s so smart and so much of an overachiever that she starts to act stupid. Seriously, what a dumb purple horse. Celestia offered to give me take a ride with her in her royal chariot to take an immediate trip to Ponyville. I was about to decline since I promised I’d hang out with Fluttershy for awhile before I left when something absurd crossed my mind. It was a crazy idea, but I thought it might be a little more fun than a royal reprimand. The princess thought so, too.

VIII.

I’m a genius. I mean, I might not be an academic genius, but holy smokes, there’s no doubt that I’m still as awesome as ever when it's about coming up with crazy ideas that sometimes actually work. I don’t recall ever breaking the law in a major way in the past, but I did twice this week. I even had two accomplices, so if someone rats me out I’ll know it was either a little purple dragon or a mischievous Sun princess.

I had a couple days to prepare by the time I got back from Canterlot. It was plenty of time, especially since not a whole lot needed to get done. The only big problem was getting access the materials. A little while before zero hour, I informed Spike of my plans, and he was eager to help. He used his resources to distract Twilight so I could sneak into the crystal tree palace thing and root around her stuff for a bit in order to steal everything I needed. After a couple quick flights to get everything in order, we were ready for the main event.

Last night, I kidnapped Princess Twilight Sparkle. It was just as awesome and thrilling as it sounds. Spike played his part perfectly as I waited like a tiger ready to pounce right outside the library. He told Twilight that she had a bit of food stuck to her chin. He offered to help her get rid of it while keeping one hand behind his back, a hand that clutched a little present from Celestia. As he reached up with a napkin, he quickly switched hands and slid the inhibiting ring over her horn.

I shot through the window in a flash, masterfully wrapping my hooves around Twilight’s waist and rocketing back outside with my surprisingly heavy purple prize. She squirmed, kicked uselessly at the wind, and ordered me to put her down. She even pulled the princess card, saying that she could have me thrown into the dungeon if I didn’t un-kidnap her. That bluff might have worked on somepony that didn’t know she didn’t actually have a dungeon, but I was steadfast in my mission. Even with her wriggling, I had no real trouble keeping her in my grip since she’s not nearly as strong as I am without magic. It was only a two or three minute flight to the outskirts of town, so thankfully she didn’t suffer the trauma of being abducted by some anonymous pegasus for too long.

I let her down in the field and she looked a bit scared until she recognized me. Then she was furious. She told me she had all kinds of work to do, and that I frightened her half to death. I did my best to apologize as I waited for her to turn around and see the things I’d taken from her home and set up in the field. I took all three telescopes I found in her storage closet, since I didn’t remember which one she used those years ago. I also took a bunch of astronomy books and star charts. What I was most proud of, though, was that I brought lots of paper, notebooks, and ink and organized everything neatly, just like Twilight likes.

She looked confused, but her confusion made her forget her anger. I told her she wasn’t allowed to leave. She tried to defy my command until I showed her a paper with official orders from Celestia. They told her that she had to take a mandatory break from all princess activities effective immediately. I explained how I remembered seeing her on this hill every Sunday, and I wanted her to have it back. She looked like she wanted to yell at me some more, but then she started sobbing.

I knew she knew what I’d done by that time. I wasn’t sure if she was crying because she felt betrayed and now hated me, or because she didn’t and was relieved. I wanted to comfort her in some way, but I hesitated in risking it, since I wasn’t really in the mood to die if she was actually mad. She answered my nonverbal question shortly after by hugging me and getting my shoulder all wet.

She said some stupid crap about failing Celestia and Equestria and whatever. I told her that she did fail. She failed by thinking she could do everything on her own. I told her that even though I’m the most awesome and most fastest flier ever, I wouldn’t have been worth half a bit without my teammates. That helped her settle down. I guess she’s not the only one good at super intellectual lectures.

Twilight asked me if I brought any quills, and it took everything in me to keep from smacking myself across the face. I offered to pull out one of my feathers, but she said feathers needed to be specially treated before they can be used for writing. It was super embarrassing, but she couldn’t stop giggling, and I much prefer giggling Twilight over crying Twilight. She said it would be more than fine to just watch for the night. She was even okay with me staying!

She showed me how to use one of the telescopes, and I can’t even describe in words how cool it was to see the moon firsthoof in so much detail. I tore myself away from the lens a while later when Twilight pointed to a big bright star in the sky and talked about its history and how it was important to early navigators. It was actually really interesting to a beginner scientist like myself, but I couldn’t really concentrate. It was nearly summer now, but Twilight’s voice was like gentle snowfall that bucked all the rules. I wanted to roll around in it, ball it up into a snowpony and sit quietly while I listened to the silence of the white blanket that draped over my world. The only thought that I could focus on was how good purple and white look together. Maybe that’s why I think Twilight’s eyes are so pretty. She’s got deep violet irises surrounded by the eternal blizzard of the snowy whites of her eyes. I think I might have been drooling a bit.

We’d been there for an hour or so when I felt a little nudge at my side. I realized I’d spaced out and Twilight was now leaning against me. She looked a little sleepy and gave me a little smile when I looked at her, and I felt my heart jump in my chest. Then she wrapped her wing around me. I have no doubt that she saw me blushing, even though the darkness. We stayed like that for a long time. Her wing was ridiculously comfortable and warm. She thanked me for everything and nuzzled my neck. I thought I might have a stroke from all that touching, but I think I managed to stay pretty calm and collected.

That night I caught a glimpse of the Twilight I’d fallen head over hooves for, but never had the guts to tell her so. A little thought struck me about how easy it would have been to let her know. If she responded positively, I could have leaned over a little and kissed her. I didn’t do either. This was her night, not mine. Will I come clean someday soon? Absolutely. She drives me nuts in all the right ways, and it’s time to be proud of that. I’m sick of being ashamed of my feelings. I’m sick of being afraid to show them. I’m Rainbow Dash, and I’m not ashamed of it anymore.

IX.

I went on a trip to see my dad. I don’t ever recall telling him that I loved him, but I did today.

IV.

Rarity came back to town today, and she’s staying for three months! She says the winter season she’s been focussed on finally wrapped up. I’ve always, and probably always will agree with Applejack’s opinion that she’s way too persnickety and uptight for her own good, but holy Celestia did it ever hit me today just how much I’ve missed her. We’re all super happy about her extended stay. It’s too bad Fluttershy’s academy didn’t have summer break in the spring instead. The whole gang would be together again.

Me, Applejack, Pinkie and Spike waited for her at the train station for like two hours before the train was even supposed to arrive on the off chance that it could be early. We helped Rarity bring practically an entire cart full of her stuff to Carousel Boutique, and then we all spent the entire rest of the day celebrating at Sugarcube Corner. There aren’t many things better than spending a day with three of the greatest ponies, and probably the only great dragon, in all of Equestria.

Twilight barged in at some point, and apologized profusely that she wasn’t there to greet Rarity off the train. She looked terrible. Like, Rarity nags at me all the time that my hair is disheveled and would look ‘simply gorgeous’ if I brushed it now and again. I agree, which is why I don’t brush it. Twilight’s hair, though, was in a league of its own. It was in worse shape than that one time she had a neurotic breakdown and made half of the town fall in love with a doll. Her tail was matted and her eyes were bloodshot, and she looked like she could really use a nap or a shower or something.

Rarity became instantly hysterical and started hyperventilating when she saw the alicorn. Twilight insisted that she was fine, and explained that she’d been a bit preoccupied with some bureaucratic princess stuff that had to be taken care of and lost track of time. That hardly qualified as an excuse to Rarity, who wasn’t upset at all about Twilight being busy and missing her arrival, but was instead concerned for the princess’ health and lack of proper hygiene.

We all laughed when Rarity grabbed her handbag filled with makeup and brushes and used her magic to march Twilight to the bathroom by the ear. Twilight came back freshly bathed and looking good as new a while later. Rarity even managed to put a little makeup on her face. She looked pretty, like really pretty. I didn’t even notice I was staring until Applejack closed my gaping mouth for me.

VI.

Rarity left today. In fact, I’d bet she’s getting settled back into her apartment as I write this. We gave her a great sendoff, and Pinkie Pie as always started sobbing as the engineer gave the last call. I was on the verge of tears, too, but I managed to hold them back. It’s not the end of the world, I suppose. She’ll come back someday to do as much work as she can from home, and I’m sure we’ll all make some trips to visit her in the meantime.

On the positive side, I managed to suck up my pride and open up to Rarity about a week ago about a problem I’ve been having for a very long time. It’s a weird feeling being vulnerable with somepony that I usually try to act tough around. I don’t really know why, but out of all my friends, it’s not Applejack that I try to act the toughest and most confident around. It’s Rarity. But I knew that she’s by far the best pony I know who would give me real and honest advice about a very specific subject, so it was worth the risk.

It was awkward at first, it got easier to speak my mind after some encouragement. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rarity as happy as she was that night at the boutique. She’s a sucker for sappy junk, and I guess what I said kinda qualified as mega sappy. She told me everything I needed to hear after swooning and spastically kicking her hooves around in the air in some bizarre expression of joy. She even said that she suspected I’d felt a certain way about a certain somepony for a long time. I wonder if it was obvious to anyone else.

I’ve always wondered if I’d ever grow up. I never really wanted to because I thought it would make me act old and boring. I don’t think that’s what needs to happen, though. I would never have had the courage or the strength to go to her with something so intimate when I was younger. If not being ashamed of who I am is what it means to be grown up, then I think I can get used to it.