Science 101 for Idiots

by Cakebomb

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 971

A science meeting gone terribly wrong.

1 month after first contact between Equestria and the nations of Earth, both worlds decide to host a meeting to discuss their scientific knowledge. Nothing can prepare the human scientists for the horrors awaiting them.

Cover Image from http://blog.4tests.com/new-science-testing-way/

Published 2014-07-28 13:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-28 13:10:01 UTC

Well, that was disappointing.

Author's Note

I REGRET NOTHING.

Well, that was disappointing.

Science 101 for Idiots

Fiddling with his pen, Andrew impatiently waited for the Pony's delegation to arrive. Surveying the large board room, he saw that most of his colleagues were likewise occupied performing actions like his. He could remember first contact with the ponies, which consisted of a portal around the size of a shed suddenly appearing in New York City, smack dab in the middle of times square. An envoy consisting of around a dozen ponies had appeared, claiming to be from another world. After the initial shock of the Ponies' sudden arrival, many questions were brought up about them. The main question was how they spoke English, and why most of their items appeared to be created for Human use. No answers to these massive coincidences have been found, but they were still at the forefront of research for cultural analysts from both races.

Andrew was shook out of his thoughts by the sound of the doors opening. Looking up, he saw five Ponies dressed in stereotypical scientist garb walking in, carrying multiple bags with them. The ponies began to set up a stand and several daigrams, as a purple Alicorn opened up with a small greeting. "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I and my assistants have prepared a presentation introducing you to our scientific knowledge. I hope it clears up some possible things that you may not know!" The head researcher at the event, Grayson, nodded and said "Go ahead, Twilight." Smiling happily, Twilight levitated a small stick and pointed it at a small diagram of a solar system, presumably the solar system where the Equestrian's came from.

"Now, as you can see in this diagram, a planet's celestial body and lunar body revolves around the planet with the magical assistance of an alicorn, such as Celestia."
Coughing, an astro-physicist from Australia spoke up.
"Miss, I don't mean to be rude, but is this a joke?"
Silence fell across the room, as Twilight said "What?"
"I said, is this a joke?"
"What do you mean? Everypony knows that the sun and moon need to be moved by an Alicorn!"
Struggling to hold back laughter, the man said "Continue, please."
Sighing, Twilight then said "Without the magical assistance of an Alicorn, the sun and moon would not rise or fall, resulting in an eternal night or day."
Nodding, the Australian then said "Unfortunately, those...beliefs...have been invalidated."
"Wha-what?"
"In the 16th century, an astromener closely observing the sun discovered that the Sun does not rotate around the Earth, the Earth rotates around the Sun. To put it simply, objects of lesser mass orbit objects of greater mass and therefor, greater gravity. The Earth is so much smaller than the sun, it is laughable to even consider that such an object would rotate around such a small planet."

Nodding his head, Andrew was shocked into silence when Twilight said "But, the sun is about the size of a cart's wheel!"
Sighing, the Australian said "How about we go on to biology?"
Twilight nodded, and then switched to....a picture depicting a massive Alicorn spreading her wings above a planet.
"The planet Equis was made 2000 years ago by the goddess Faust. Using her powerful magic, she called the planet out of nothing and created the first Ponies and the first Alicorns to guide them and raise the sun and moon. She also created the life that flourishes throughout the planet, and the other races that occupy it, such as the Griffons, Zebras, Minotaurs, and...." Shuddering, Twilight continued, "Changelings...She then gifted the ponies with the last of her magic, before going into a deep sleep."
Nothing was said for a full 30 seconds, until Andrew slowly raised his hand. "Yes?", Twilight asked.
"This is a science convention, correct?"
"Yes."
"Why are you bringing theology into this?"
Looking confused, Twilight said "But, this is natural history. Every Filly and Colt knows this!"

".....You do realize that a planet forms over the course of billions of years, and life would take another few million years to evolve into a sentient race, much less 4 sapient races?"
Twisting her head in confusion, Twilight asked "What does 'evolve' mean?"

Suddenly, one scientist called out "Fuck this shit!", before stomping out of the room, leaving behind a group of shocked and silent scientists.
Grayson whistled, and then said "I never knew he had the balls to do that..."
A large portion of the human scientists in the room clearly agreed with Grayson's statement.
Twilight then said "Now, on the topic of weather... As you all know, weather would not exist without the work of Pegasi and other weather creating creatures."
Another 3 scientists quickly sat up, gathered their things, and left the room.

Hailing a taxi, Andrew thought back onto the last hour of the Convention. After the one scientist's outburst, it was only a matter of time before the rest cracked and refused to listen to anymore of the Alicorn's naive "scientific knowledge". Grayson was the last to leave, surviving an astounding 30 minutes before throwing his chair back and walking out. Andrew could only chuckle at the rape of scientific knowledge he witnessed at that meeting. Their understanding of weather alone would make even a fifth grader grin.

Meanwhile, the Alicorn was left with her five assistants, who where currently packing up the presentation. Why hadn't those apes believed her? Celestia told her all this, so it had to be true. Celestia wouldn't lie to her. She was the embodiment of harmony and perfection! She was a true goddess. Only a deity could control the sun! As Twilight wallowed in her thoughts, a certain Alicorn watching through a magical amulet was deep in thought, wondering how the humans had seen through her lies.