The World Famous Flim Flam Brothers' Unstoppable Interplanetary Taskforce
"Ugh..." Spike groaned, massaging his aching head and struggling to sit up. "Did I oversleep? Why does my head hurt?"
"I'm wondering the same thing..." a familiar voice said. Spike opened his eyes, immediately having to shield them from a bright light shining down on him. He looked to the right and saw Gilda the Griffon. She appeared to be going through a similar problem with the bright light.
"Is Iron Will dead?" a burly voice said. To the right of Gilda sat the minotaur who frequently referred to himself in the third person. "That you, Spike?"
"Yeah..." Spike looked around, but beyond the light, there was only darkness. "What's going on? Where are we?"
"Yes, where indeed?"
"Oh, son of a—" Iron Will clenched his fists. All three turned to the left, and beheld none other than Flim and Flam stepping out of the darkness.
Spike's jaw dropped. "Again?!"
Flam put his hoof up in protest. "I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea—"
Gilda roared, and scraped her claw against the ground like a bull preparing to charge. "You two are so dead!"
"No, please, listen!" Flim shouted. The brothers were now cowering. "It wasn't us! We don't know how we got here either!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right!"
"It's true," Flam said, "we woke up here, same as you! We hid in the dark because we were afraid you would blame us!"
"Which I do," Iron Will said, "considering you two did this exact thing to us a year ago."
"We're reformed, honest!" Flam said. His brother nodded profusely.
"Reformed, huh?" Spike shook his head. "They let you out of prison early for good behavior, and you guys went straight back to Ponyville trying to sell some cure-all tonic that did nothing."
"But of course," Flim said, "we're still liars."
"Then how are you 'reformed'?" Gilda asked, indicating quotation marks with her claws.
"We stopped kidnapping people!" the brothers exclaimed in unison.
"That's not how—" Spike smacked his forehead. "Nevermind. If it wasn't you guys, then who brought us here?"
"Yo, me! It was me." All directed their attention forward. Before them, at the edge of the light, stood a creature the likes of which they had never seen before. Somewhat equine in appearance, the creature was covered, head to hoof, in purple scales. In place of a mane was a jagged fin. Its tail more closely resembled that of a dragon than a pony. Its eyes were of a piercing white, floating in a sea of blue.
"Hey. Name's Raldo," said Raldo.
"Uh..." Spike glanced to the side nervously. "I'm..."
"I know," Raldo said. He pointed to each with his sparkling hoof as he addressed them. "Dragon, Grizelda, Minotaur, Flimflam, and Brothers."
"No," Spike said, "literally none of those are correct."
"Well whatever," said Raldo. He waved a hoof dismissively. "Plenty of time for introductions later. Important thing is that you're here."
"And where is 'here'," Gilda asked.
"And what in the wide world of Equestria are you?" Iron Will said.
"I'm a barnardian," Raldo said. "From the planet Barnard. You're on my ship. I know, awesome, right?"
"Wait a minute!" Spike raised his claws as he processed this information. "You're an alien? We're on a UFO?!"
"I don't know what those are," Raldo said.
"How did we get here?" Iron Will scratched his head. "The last thing Iron Will remembers is planning his next big show with Trixie."
"The Great and Powerful?" Raldo said. "You're friends with her now? After what she did to you?"
Iron Will shrugged. "What do you think she did to me?"
"Okay obviously you guys are confused, I get that, it's totally cool." Raldo took a step forward. "I've never beamed anyone up here before, wasn't sure what would happen, clearly there are some lingering effects. Let me cut to the chase."
Behind him, a large screen materialized, seemingly out of nothing. Everyone gasped. Through the ensuing static, Trixie could be seen, shouting in front of a crowd. "That was you guys on the night you fought that giant robot thing," Raldo said.
"Egads!" Flam gasped. "What manner of time-paradoxical wide-screen trickery is this?!"
"Oh, this?" Raldo said. "This is my High-frequency Universal Broadcast. I like to call it the HUB for short! I use it to monitor the inhabitants of your world, been keeping a close eye on Equestria since that whole Nightmare Moon thing."
"So wait," Spike said. "You've been watching ponies on the HUB for the past four years?"
"Well, longer than that, technically," Raldo said. "See, I come around and check in on each generation of your planet's inhabitants, but yours was the first generation that did anything I liked."
"Can you please cut to the chase!" Gilda shouted.
"Yeah, why spy on us? Any of us?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.
"To put it simply, my people need a hero."
Iron Will brought a hand to his ear and leaned in. "Come again?"
"Yeah, the barnardians have been living under the oppressive regime of an evil avian overlord for... well it's been a while."
Gilda tilted her head. "Did you say 'avian'?"
"Yeah, like someone not from our planet. Isn't that what you guys call them?"
Gilda shook her head slowly. "No..."
"Ah, my bad. I learned your language by watching the HUB, but the reception is terrible, so I only get bits and pieces."
"So what does this have to do with us?" Flim said.
"By some cosmic coincidence our conqueror has the ability to psychically dominate any barnardian he comes into contact with, but no other species on my planet. I escaped Barnard many centuries ago, promising my brethren that I would search the stars for a great, non-barnardian team of heroes that would overthrow the avian and free us from his tyrfannry."
"That word's not right either," Gilda said, "but again, what does that have to do with us?"
"What do you mean?" Raldo shrugged. "You're them. The heroes I was looking for. So will you do it?"
"Why do you think we're heroes?" Spike asked. The others nodded.
"Well just look!" Raldo said, gesturing with his hoof toward the HUB monitor. Though the visual was heavily obscured by static, bits and pieces could be made out.
Spike saw himself standing next to a barrel, the one he remembered contained a trapped Zecora. The next visible image was Gilda flying by, holding Spike. A shot of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy Six-Thousand-and-One rampaging through the night. Spike blowing a stream of fire into the node that channeled magical energy. The gargantuan mech sputtering as it became clogged with trees. Flim and Flam sending their own magic into the node. Spike and Flim hanging on for dear life from the top of the robot. Iron Will charging at the Cider Squeezy. And finally, the thing crashing against the ground, defeated.
"See?" Raldo said. "The Great and Powerful Trixie unleashed a terrifying robot onto a crowd of screaming ponies, but it was defeated by the five of you! You guys are awesome!"
"Oh, dude..." Spike smacked his forehead again as Iron Will and Gilda shook their heads. "That is not what happened. Like, at all."
"Eh," Flim scratched his head. "That's how I remember it."
Iron Will huffed. "'Course it is..."
"Me too, heroic brother of mine! In fact," Flam turned to Raldo and continued, "it was the two of us who brought them together! If it weren't for us, they wouldn't have been there to fight that giant robot!"
"So you two are the brains, then?" Raldo clapped his hooves together. "Great, you'll be the leaders!"
"Capital idea!" the brothers shouted in unison.
"I am this close to mauling all three of you!" Gilda shouted, indicating the miniscule distance with her thumb and foreclaw. "Take us home, NOW!"
"Well hold up, Gilda," Spike said, placing a claw on the griffon's shoulder. "Flim and Flam may be jerks, but it sounds like this guy really needs help."
"And what do you want us to do about it?" Iron Will shrugged. "This guy's understanding of the situation is completely off."
"Is it really, though?" Spike waved them in. "Yeah, he got some of the details wrong, but the three of us really did stop that giant robot." He held out his arms toward Gilda. "You with your awesome flying moves." The griffon blushed. "You with your brute strength!" Iron Will flexed in response.
"And your leadership?" Gilda asked.
"Well..." It was Spike's turn to blush. "I didn't wanna toot my own horn."
"Plus he breathes fire!" Iron Will added.
"Hey, yeah! Dude, did you see him at the Equestria Games? He melted that spikey frozen cloud like it was nothing! Totally sick!"
"Yeah, yeah..." Spike tried to casually shrug the compliments off. "The point is, we were put in a situation where our every movement was controlled by a pair of magic psychos with a giant robot. And we won. I know we don't have Trixie's magic or Zecora's wisdom, but can't we at least hear Raldo out? See what the situation is?"
"Well, when you put it that way..." Iron Will tapped his chin. "Seeing as how Iron Will was once oppressed and freed himself, Iron Will supposes it's only right to pay it forward. Very well, little friend, you have convinced me!" He pounded his chest with his fist.
Gilda rolled her eyes. "I guess I'll come along too, for old time's sake."
Spike cheered. "All right!"
"Thank you so much, guys, this is such a huge relief. You have no idea," Raldo said, exhaling deeply.
"Splendid!" Flam shouted. "The gang's back together again!"
"Hey Raldo," Spike said, pointing his thumb back at Flim and Flam, "drop them off back on our planet. They're just gonna get in the way."
Raldo looked away. "Sorry, dude, I actually don't have enough fuel to get back to your planet and to Barnard."
"And what if we had decided not to go with you?!" Gilda asked, taking a step forward.
"Yes, hence the relief," Raldo said. "You scare me." Gilda simply grinned.
"In any case," Flim said, draping a foreleg over Spike's shoulder, "you're going to need our ingenuity."
"True, true!" Flam nodded. "If it weren't for are engineering prowess, you three would've never been considered for this mission!"
"And how do you figure that?" Iron Will asked.
Flim pointed to himself. "We provided the robot you fought, of course!"