Infantry Fighting Vehicle

by Got Rootbeer

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2320

Twilight teleports a BMP to Equestria for no good reason.

Princess Twilight Sparkle is bored, so she does a random teleportation spell, summoning a BMP-2.

Nobody is safe.

F-Bombs are everywhere, and plenty of bloody fun. Much milder than APC, and I would argue, better.

Published 2014-08-01 14:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-23 06:07:00 UTC

The "Story"

One day, in the constantly-attacked town of Ponyville, resident Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle was sitting on her great chair feeling bored out of her mind. She just sat there, staring past the chairs in front of her at the wall. Staring...

Suddenly she jumped out of her chair and exclaimed, "You know what!? I'm going to teleport some shit!"

Twilight started by teleporting Rarity's chair to the nearest volcano. This was not nearly enough to please her highness. She threw Rainbow Dash's chair across the room with her telekinesis, but before it could collide with anything she teleported it just outside a condominum in Canterlot. It crashed through the balcony and all the way into the kitchen, killing at least three innocent dust mites. This still was not enough to satisfy her blind fury. She needed more.

Screaming like some mental raccoon, she began to conjure a massive ball of teleportation. Her eyes glowing a bright white and a look of pure hate on her face, she launched the ball through the roof. The massive energy sphere ascended through the clouds to realms unknown... except by me, because fuck you.

Somewhere in Russia...

Dimitri, Anton, Vlad and Boris were all to driving a BMP-2 to their comrades on the front. They were carrying weapons and other vital Russian commodities to the soldiers, because all of the URAL Trucks were under repairs after a catastrophic training exercise. Suddenly the entire vehicle was consumed by a massive lavender ball of energy.

Dimitri and Anton didn't care, as this wasn't the weirdest thing they had seen that day. However, Vlad and Boris screamed like anime schoolgirls. Suddenly the entire BMP vanished, sending it's crew on a date with the road. Vlad was the first to say, "What the actual fuck just happened?"

Meanwhile back in Ponyville...

Twilight was sitting on her chair wearing a top hat and sipping tea when the BMP suddenly appeared above Fluttershy's chair. It was suspened in mid-air for fifteen seconds until it fell on top, sending bits of wood flying everywhere. Twilight took another sip of tea before sliding off her chair to inspect the metal monstrosity before her.

She studied every single aspect of the BMP, from the treads to the cannon, she even found a furry hat with adorned with a red star that had a hammer and sickle inside. She found it in the small box that had the words "Dimitri's fun box" written on the top. She also found a case of what appeared to be alcochol, and a bunch of metal sticks with curved boxes attatched to the bottom of them. Out of a mixture of gut instinct and curiosity she took one of the sticks outside and aimed it at a guard. After fiddling with it for a bit the AK-74 fired a burst at the guard, punching right through his worthless armor and killing him almost instanly. She quickly returned to the "chair room" as I'm calling it.

She went back inside the BMP with the hat on and opened the hatch on top of the turret. She took in a large breath of air before saying, "Yes, this will do perfectly..." as she maniacally rubbed her hooves together.

She drove the BMP through the wall, it fell a few stories before landing perfectly upright. Twilight popped out of the commander's hatch again with an i-pod. She scrolled through the songs before selecting the Soviet Anthem. She moved back into the driver's seat and began to drive towards Sweet Apple Acres.

Meanwhile at Sweet Apple Acres...

Applejack was leaning against the wall of her barn with a stalk of alphalfa in her mouth. "Maybe I should have just got some gum from Pinkie instead." She pondered. After mindlessly leaning against the barn for at least twenty minutes, she heard a low rumbling noise from the road. Looking up from the groundd, she saw what her primitive mind would qualify as a "Gosh-Darn grey hunk-a junk on treads."

It plowed through the fence surrounding the farm before coming to a stop in front of her, the metal rod at the front aimed straight at he- "STOP IT!"

Meanwhile in Got Rootbeer's Room...

"I said stop writing!" Pinkie Pie said as she stared down a pale human nerd with semi-emo hair in a grey t-shirt with the NASA logo on the front. Perched on his head was an East-German mountain cap in rain camo, he sat in a swivel chair next to a computer desk.

"Oh that's not me, it's 3rd dimension me, the one who's actually writing." Said Rootbeer. Pinkie sighed in defeat.

"Well I can't go there, even with my wall-breaking powers."

"Why not?"

"Then I'll cease to exist altogether." Rootbeer put a hand on his chin and began to think.

"Well, I suppose you could deliver your complaint through me," He suggested.

"Alright then," Pinkie took in a deep breath, "JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE A CHARACTER THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST KILL HER WITH A FUCKING CANNON!!!"

"I'm actually okay with Applejack, the only main character that I truly despise is Rarity, but only to a certain degree."

"Well, then what were you going to do with Applejack then?" Questioned Pinkie as she cocked her head to the side.

Back in Equestria...

The BMP fired it's payload, blowing bits of Applejack everywhere. As the bits of flesh and bone bounced off of the armored vehicle and the cloud of red mist dissipated, only one question was heard overpowering the echo of the mighty gun. "Why?"

Back in Rootbeer's Room...

Nearly every American-Made weapon ever devised was aimed at Rootbeer's head as he laughed manically. As he concluded his insane laughter, he quickly apologized and re-wrote the scene.

You know the fucking drill...

Twilight popped out of the turret and waved at Applejack while screaming, "Get the fuck in here in here and drive!" Applejack stood there confused as fuck before shouting back.

"Why should I, you just drove it here yourself!"

"Because, I'm the one with the giant cannon aimed straight at your face," Twilight said as she suddenly lay in a sexy pose on the turret, stroking the main gun. Applejack climbed into the driver's hatch and got ready to drive.

Twilight commanded Applejack, "Set a course for sugarcube corner." The command was quickly made so.

I'm not even bothering, figure it out yourself...

Pinkie Pie was consuming ungodly amounts of those little pie things. You don't know what I'm talking about do you? hang on let me find you a picture... I couldn't find one. Just imagine a hot pocket, but pie. With that out of the way, the BMP containing Applejack and Twilight plowed into the tiny shop while Pinkie kept plowing the pies into her abyss of a mouth (that doesn't sound weird at all). Nobody said anything as Pinkie already knew everything. She takes control of the main gun while Twilight stays in the opened hatch. Instead of having another transition, I'm just going to show you the phase in-between scenes.

Twilight took in the breeze as the BMP rolled along the Equestrian countryside. Her mane dancing in the wind, She felt on top of the world. Inside, Applejack and Pinkie Pie were covered in sweat and were virtually baking inside the BMP. Applejack opened the driver's hatch, gasping for breath. Still panting, she looked up to Twilight and said, "Where to next, Stalin?"

Twilight took off a pair of shades as she dramatically proclaimed, "Canterlot."

Princess Celestia sat on her throne, reading some sexy clop written by one of the humans in her basement, when a royal messenger burst into the hall. Celestia jumped back and yelped in surprise. after recovering, she stared with a piercing gaze at the young colt.

After ordering the messenger to be executed, she turned to the letter. Ripping it open with her teeth, she tore it out of the envelope and quickly skimmed the important details. After reading it, she let it slowly fall to the ground. She had only one thing to say.

"Shit."

The metal beast roared as it sped through Canterlot, running over rich pricks trying to get to safety. A troop of Equestrian soldiers stood at the gate to the palace, all behind a barrier made of wood. The guards all carried assault rifles, of the newest design too. The lower ranking soldiers all looked to their magnificently bearded commander. The monster drew closer as a bunch of pricks ran towards the gates. The officer drew in a long breath.

"Fix your shit!" The booming order was met with a chorus of 'okay's. Each soldier attached a long bayonet to his/her rifle. The beast and the pricks drew closer by the second. One of the pricks was running straight for the line of soldiers. The officer leaped over the barricade in slow motion, firing at the prick, scoring a headshot almost immediately. The other soldiers let out a bellowing war cry as they followed the officer into the crowd, stabbing as many pricks they could.

Suddenly a pained cry, much more masculine than a prick's was heard. The soldiers looked past the crowd and saw their commander run over by the metal beast. The group charged and was blown to bloody little chunks by the cannon of the BMP.

Pinkie Pie smiled as she mowed down soldiers and pricks alike with the powerful auto cannon. Twilight popped out of the top of the BMP with one of the AK-74's, firing wildly into the crowd. Applejack tried to run over people, only succeeding a few times however. She was certain that she saw Rarity drowning in a pool of her own blood at some point, but she just shook it off as being a figment of her imagination.

Soon they were at the castle gates, smashing through the barrier with ease. They continued slaughtering soldiers and guards. But there were less pricks inside, disappointing the whole group. Soon they came smashing into the throne room, their treads covered in guts and blood. Twilight popped out of the turret hatch again.

"Where the fuck are the princesses?" She yelled at the top of her lungs as if to appease some instant karma god named James. Just then, a Leopard-II tank burst through one of the walls only to drive through another seconds later. A T-72 drove through one of the holes and Celestia popped out of the hatch.

"So, you think that you have the power and the sexiness to take over my throne do you?" She boomed over the combined noise of the tank and the BMP's engines. Twilight remained confident.

"Your useless guards didn't even jam the treads with their amputated limbs, I'm pretty sure you won't be any more difficult to deal with," Twilight hollered back before crawling back inside as Celestia did the same.
Both behemoths remained motionless for a few seconds before the BMP fired it's cannon. The round bounced off the turret and impacted into the ceiling. The T-72 responded in kind by firing an HE shell at the BMP barely even denting the armor. BMP used quick repair... BMP gains 15 HP.

The BMP fired once again, this time punching through the front armor of the tank. This however caused only minor damage. Seeing that this battle was one sided as fuck, Twilight ordered Applejack to ram the tank.

The BMP rammed quickly into the tank, immobilizing both vehicles. Twilight hopped out of the turret as well as Celestia. Both stared at each other like an anime fight scene before running at each other in full force. Celestia flew upwards at the last second leaving Twilight stunned causing her to forget she had wings too.

"TWILIGHT SPARKLE, FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THE CROWN AND THE EQUESTRIAN PEOPLE, I BANISH YOU... TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!" Celestia began to conjure a massive spell. As the light of Celestia's horn grew Twilight had an idea. 'If I am banned to the moon, I'll take everypony with me.'

Twilight blasted Celestia with a torrent of magic, causing her spell to go out of control. The resulting spell was forever known as the great migration.

The ponies of Equestria were blinded by gold and when their eyes re-adjusted to the light they found themselves on the moon.

Got Rootbeer closed the storybook leaving a batch of confused foals staring wide eyed at him.

"And that's how Equestria was made, you little shits."

Author's Note

I honestly have no idea what I was on when I made this. This is the weirdest thing that I have ever made. There are words to describe this, but there are few.

Oh yeah, and 2.5 dimension-me told 3rd dimension-me to tell you about My Little Star Trek: Universe, Coming whenever i finish a few chapters! Protocol Dictates Action may be released sooner or later.

Counter-Strike and Day Of Defeat are better than Team Fortress, peace.

Get psyched.

(Update, 5/25/15
I'm never going to re-do this story since it's a vital part of my history, so don't worry about that. I might fix a few things though. Anyways, here's the basic gist of what has happened between then and now.

I abandoned My Little Star Trek: Universe, for various reasons

Protocol Dictates action won't be worked on again for a looong time, but it will still have that classic Halo feel I was going for in the first place. (thanks a fucking lot 343, you ruined the mystery factor of Halo. :twilightangry2: It will never feel the same again... :fluttershysad:)

I'm working on re-releasing Combine Forces, now Half-Life: Elasticity. It's still a while away from being published again but you will get a total of 6 chapter for the wait if I decide to follow through with that plan.

Possible revival of My Little Red Orchestra... *end update*)