Perfect Me

by Windlife

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Lyra, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Comedy, Random
Length: 1962

After charging blindly at the Mexican border in the hopes of a new life, a man must find his place amid a world full of ponies. It won't be easy to change his entire life, but he'll try. He has to try.

When a charge at the Mexican border goes wrong, a man is suddenly sent to Equestria by means he didn't know even existed. And after standing face to face with the same ponies that sent him through, will he be able to find his place in this new land?

Remember, things aren't always what they seem to be.

Reviews

Jesus: I'd bang it.
Hitler: Better than being raped by the boogeyman.
An Apple: It's K.

This is my second fic, so be nice. I don't want to have to delete any haters.

Published 2014-07-29 20:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-29 20:50:02 UTC

Border Patrol

Border Patrol

“Time to cross the Mexican border!” my friend yelled to an entire group of God fearing americans. I never liked that cunt, he’s such a fucking jerk. ‘Look at me this’, ‘look at me that’! What an asshole.

You might be wondering why some dumb Americans like us want to cross the Mexican border. Well, we’re not going into the USA, instead, we’re going into Mexico. Recent events had left Mexico with a portal to some strange new planet. And as a precaution, the dirty Americans lined the border with barbed wire and guards to prevent us from getting to it.

So there we were, running at the fucking wall like a bunch of mongoloids, when suddenly we start getting ripped apart by some nasty gun fire. Don’t ask why we’re trying to cross the border from the highest guarded position, because I don’t even fucking know. All I know is that I have red eyes, brown hair, white shirt, brown shin, like Jesus.

I saw my friend get shot in the chest, poor bitch. But like the asshole he is, he had to make a grand exit. “T-tell my.. kids that I lo-love them.” Yeah, what a attention whore.

Anyway, I’m running at the wall like a boss, taking bullets to the head like a champ. When suddenly I’m engulfed by a bright light. I’m not too sure where the stuff came from, but it wasn’t that encouraging. The light almost blinded me as I felt myself being sucked into it.

If I died, then I must have died like a fucking pussy, because this shit was wack. Unlike when you die in Call Of Duty, you don’t respawn, who knew? It seems all that happens is that you end up on the floor surrounded by some ugly horses.

There were three of them standing around me, dumbstruck. Their faces screamed confusion, like they’ve never seen anything like me.

“Oh my,” the yellow one said. “Do you think he’s okay?”

“Bitch, please,” I said like a man. “I’m feel fucking great!”

Thinking about it now, maybe I should have been more worried about my family and friends. After all, I’ll never see them again. But then I thought: Hey, those tramps don’t get to go to a land full of magic talking horses. So I shrugged it off. I mean, who the fuck cares?

I finally took the time to look around myself as I moved to a standing position. The three horses around me were all different colors, I arched an eyebrow at their colorful fur. “Hey,” the rainbow one said, getting all up in my beautiful face. “Don’t talk to Fluttershy and Twilight like that!”

Using my military training, I slapped her in the face with a pistol I just happened to have. The other two cried in fear as I moved in for the kill. Suddenly, I felt magic swirl around me, stopping me from walking. I should know, I’m a pro magician.

“Stop!” the purple one ordered, but she didn’t know how strong I was. Since I trained with the same people who trained Batman, I was able to shoot lasers out of my eyes, instantly cutting the magic the bounded me in place.

“I’m going to put fuckin’ shank you,” I said as I walked over to her. I was about to gut her with some random knife I had, when suddenly the front door bursted open. I quickly turned my head in surprise, it’s not everyday someone sneaks up on me, since I trained with Willy from ‘Free Willy’.

“Humans! I knew they were real!” some green-ass horse said with a manic look in her eyes. For the first time in my long life, I was scared, it felt odd to say the least. And as I quickly scanned the room with my lightning-like reflexes, that I learned with my time with The Flash, I realized that the rest of them were just as scared.

“Lyra, stop! He’s crazy!” the rainbow one yelled loudly.

“Humans!” Lyra screamed before starting a hippo fast run directly at me. My eyes widened as she got closer, and I was only able to lift my pistol halfway before she leapt at me.

Lyra hit me, and soon we were rolling on the ground duking it out. I swang my rock-hard fists wildly as she knocked me to the ground. Soon she was over me, but I didn’t let that stop me. I charged up my laser vision, ready to blast her.

But I never really understood why she was on me… She wasn’t doing anything, until I felt her reach for my massive dick. “I want you!”

Just then I changed my sexual preferences to candy colored horses. I mean, who wouldn’t want to fuck such a majestic animal? It’s like an elephant, but less heavy.

I let her suck my dick for six hours while I played on my 3DS. After I lost another round of Mario World 64, I looked around at the other horses. To my surprise, they were all licking each others pussies. I knew I was hot to look at while having some nice dick-sucking action, but I never thought I was this hot. Oh, wait… Yes I did.

Once I was done cuming for the two-hundredth time, two little midgets came in from the front door. I was about to ask them to join, but when I saw them both holding a bible, I knew what they were really there for.

“We are the Gay Russian Commando Unit!” one yelled, and the other just nodded his head. “We are here to fight for our rights against the one named-”

“I am the one they call, Jesus,” I said as I rose to my feet, slapping the dumb bitch off my cock. I’m not really Jesus though, but I felt like him, so I guess it’s the same damn thing.

Before they opened their mouths again, they saw my huge bulging muscles. It was almost certainly clear that they were scared out of their minds as I flexed them.

The second of the small midgets spoke. “Yu’ are goin’ down to thu’ little singer for tis’!” And right as the words left his mouth, they both pulled out AK47s, bringing down a hail of fire upon me. The bullet casings flew out of their weapons, showering the ground in a blanket of red hot hollows that were once contained lead death.

I could tell you that the bullets simply bounced off my glorious chest. I could also tell you that I beat them down using the training I received from Obama. But I know you wouldn’t believe me, because I’m telling you things that actually happened.

So the little fucks gun me down in a heartbeat. My whole body shook from the gunfire pricing my flesh as I fell to the cold, wooden floor. I didn’t think it would end like this... lying on the ground, bleeding out while listening to the sobbing of the horses around me.

“No!!” Lyra screamed.

“He was so young!” the rainbow one yelled before attacking the midgets herself. But they were quick to gun her down in a fury of bullets. Leaving nothing more than a dead, blue pony, filled to the brim with gruesome holes. I closed my eyes in honor of the fallen hero, remembering all the good times we had together.

But in the moment of closing my eyes, I felt myself starting to blackout, I tried to reach out my hand to touch anything that I was able to see. And in doing so, I saw the face of the pony who had given me so much. If only I had spent my time better… If only I was a better friend to these dear ponies…

“Pruple… bitch,” I managed to speak. I was nearing the end, could feeling it coming… Well, that and the mass amounts of blood I was coughing up.

She ran over to me frantically, her eyes darted around my body. It wasn’t a pretty sight, to say the least…

“I can fix you,” she said. And soon her magic was around me, trying to heal me in any way possible. But we both knew what was going to happen. We all knew.

“Purple,” I was drifting off quickly into an abyss of death where only the reaper was to wait. I swallowed heavily before she asked me her final words I’d ever hear from her, or anyone, again.

“Yes?” she said with a single tear in her eye. “What is it?”

“I’m the coolest character ever…” And like that, death wrapped its cruel hands around my once beating heart. I could only feel a jolt before I was ripped away from life and into the darkness of hell.

Bob finished pitching his new character idea to a room full of business executives, though, most of them were sleeping at this point. He looked around with a massive smile plastered on his face.

“Ughh,” Jim groaned while rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Look, it’s been a long day…”

“Did I tell you about the part where we bring back to life to fuck Celestia?” Bob said with glee, reaching for numerous loose papers on the huge desk in front of him. “I have sketches and everything!”

“Out…,” Jim said under his breath. “Just… Get out.”

Bob’s smile melted in a second. “Wha-?”

Jim slammed his fist on the table, causing many who were sleeping around it to jolt up in surprise. “OUT!”

Bob looked around nervously before his eyes met with Jim’s. Bob felt shivers run down his spine as they both stared at each other. After a long moment of tense silence, Bob looked down and quickly scooped up his sheets of paper. And as he slowly walked out of the door with his head lowered in shame, Jim felt absolutely no sympathy.

“Now,” he said to the mass of men around the table. “Time to come up with a good character idea.”

One of the older men threw his hand up, seemingly demanding to be picked. Jim scanned the room for more volunteers, but was rewarded with nothing. It seemed the rest of the men her fresh out of them, or just to tired to try. After all, they’ve been in the room for half a day.

Jim let out a long sigh. “Alright, Grun, whatcha got?”

The man stood up from his seat with a piece of paper firmly within his grasp. He cleared his throat before he spoke. “What about a new character that the ponies can relate to? We all see how they look up to Celestia, and how the fandom looks up to Luna. Why don’t we add another alicorn?”

Jim raised a brow. as the man continued. “We can make him red and black, so he’ll be cool. We can even have him be evil until he quickly befriends the main cast. And maybe he’ll even get a job on Applejack’s farm, or something.”

Jim rubbed his chin. “How many toys do you think the fuckers will buy?”

Grun let a grin sneak onto his face. “At least eight thousand units after the episode premiere alone.”

The room gasped in unison. Looking between one another, they could all see the shock on the faces of the others. It was truly music to their ears. “Eight thousand units?” Jim asked, his eyes widened as he tried to even fathom the amount. “I-in one day?”

“Yes, sir.” Grun’s grin broke out into a full blown smile that dared to rip from ear to ear.

“Brilliant idea… you’ll get a medal for this…”

“Thank you, sir.”

Author's Note