She had once felt shame, even if it wasn’t her fault. No one picks how they are born, and Pinkamena Diane Pie, better known to all as Pinkie Pie, was ashamed.
She had always known she was a tad different, while her father, mother, and sisters lived a pretty average, if boring, life, she had always felt....she didn’t have a word for it, but if she had to pick one it would probably be, unstable.
Like she was unbalanced, and anything could tip her over into a different state of spirit, to an extreme. She had this feeling that she was a cork in a champagne bottle, and any sort of pressure would make her blow out and explode. Of anger perhaps, or maybe even of sadness. Rarely if ever of joy.
She had her confirmation, alright, and she felt ashamed, she felt that no one would ever want to be with her, not in a romantic sense (why would a young filly want that?) but in a friendship kind of way. Not like she had a real chance anyway, the rock farm didn’t have many ponies.
When she arrived in Ponyville, that small as it was compared to the big cities, it was still a million and ten times bigger than the rock farm (numbers calculated by Pinkie Pie, may not be totally accurate), she blended into the crowd, no one cared about what a random colt or filly did, as long as they were productive members of society, and didn’t do anything illegal.
Pinkie began to overcompensate, she felt that, due to her mental illness, whichever it was (Pinkie had stopped listening after the first words of the doctor, only retaining one thing, she was broken), that she planned never to reveal, she felt as if she had to work twice as hard as everypony else in making friends.
She did party after party after party, and she specialized in being random and looking at other realities. She specialized in breaking physics and making everyone happy.
She was pretty smart, she could memorize hundreds of names, and birthdays, and small details, and she used that to her advantage.
Only when alone, when a party stopped, or at night, while lying in bed, would she be haunted by that shame and terror, what would happen if anyone found out about her....condition?
She had a pretty strong need for acceptance, and while she filled that need with every single social event she attended and made, no party lasted forever.
And as Pinkie grew, the symptoms only increased, and several other illnesses were added to the mix, she began to lose some of her grip on reality. She didn’t have to try anymore to be random, since she was losing her sense of what was socially acceptable, and simply losing every clue to social clues and stuff.
And all and all her shame grew, even if everyone seemed to enjoy the Pinkie they knew, admiring how happy and random she was. She knew that eventually she’d lose it completely and then what? Forced hospitalization?
She didn’t want that.
If one could look inside her mind, they wouldn’t see the organized and anxious mind of Twilight, or the rational (if slightly superstitious) mind of Applejack, they’d see a total mess, even inside her own head, she didn’t have control anymore.
Of course there were the instant mood changes, as soon as she found herself alone, the insatiable need of company, and the lack of grip on reality (which made her sound kind of crazy, although no one realized she was skewing towards it), effects that seemed minor, only making her “wackier”, but to one suffering from them, it was simply exhausting. She used every reserve of energy she had, daily. She had developed that plan some months ago, that way, whenever she got to bed, alone, she’d fall asleep with a thump, and not have to worry about those terrible thoughts.
She knew it was silly and a stupid, dumb, idea, but she felt as if she was the only one in Equestria or the world, who had that kind of thoughts. That was....defective.
The mind was (and continues to be) a really powerful thing, and when her own mind was telling her just how worthless she was so much so that she made it her life goal to spread joy and laughter, no matter the consequence to her, just so no one would feel the way she did...
Health starts to deteriorate, biology didn’t care about how noble her goals were, it had rules to follow, and she began to fall sick.
One could only stress their bodies for so long, and she was feeling herself, weaker and weaker by the day.
Did she seek help? No, she was still convinced that, if she sought after any help, she’d be ostracized.
Did she tell her friends? Eventually, but that was when she was already so weak, her coat pale, her mane down, her eyes sunken in, that there wasn’t anything left she could do but hope.
Everyone cried with her, at that moment, and everyone revealed their own dark secrets, in fact, she wasn’t the only one in the group with a mental illness, Twilight suffered from some, which had made her a social recluse, by her own choice.
For the first time, Pinkie Pie saw it.
The world, as it really was, with friends that loved her, for her whole, illnesses and all, hospitals and medics eager to help and put her better, pills that while they tasted bad, would keep her symptoms in check, those hadn’t existed in the primitive region that surrounded her rock farm. She saw that everypony cared for her, as much as she cared for them, while being visited by practically everyone (so many ponies that the nurses had to rush them out, for she needed her rest), she had that one revelation.
She wasn’t defective, broken, or messed up, in any way, she was, simply, Pinkie Pie.
And with that revelation, and professional psychological help, and some moderation, she was up and partying again in no time.
There never was any more shame.
Author's Note
I really hope I wasn't offensive, to someone. In fact I hope I offended none. I didn't specify any of Pinkie's many ilnesses, and in reality I don't think we'll ever see something like this in the show. I really hope that it came out decent and politically correct.
I hope you enjoyed it anyway!
(And I was so close to that 30 minute mark too!)
