Why Carrot Top Should Never Ever Write FanFiction Part Two: A Forced Romance

by Marciline

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Carrot Top, Octavia, Comedy, Dinky Hooves, Derpy Hooves, DJ P0N-3, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2724

14 months later, Octavia wakes up and regrets ever living with Carrot Top each and every day. But her fan fiction has become so popular that now Shipper's Law has now come into play. Woe is Octavia. Woe is Equestria.

14 months later, Octavia wakes up and regrets ever living with Carrot Top each and every day. But her fan fiction has become so popular that now Shipper's Law has now come into play. Woe is Octavia. Woe is Equestria.

Yes, reading the first story is required.
Romance is not heavy, but it's there. Sorry, but no kissing.
Oh, SHIPPERS DESTROY LIVES!!
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/199886/why-carrot-top-should-never-ever-write-fanfiction

Published 2014-07-29 22:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-02 23:23:36 UTC

Just the knock-out candy please.

Fourteen months after the embarrassing fan fiction incident, Octavia was walking out and about, completing her shopping list. She walked up to Bon Bon's stand and readied herself for a slew of gossip and questions about her significant other, Lyra.
"Well, hello there Octavia, darling? How is Carrot Top, oh right, she lives with that Derpy, I really must go see her sometime, oh dear, I simply forgot to ask, have you seen her recently, I know you are very mad, but, darling, you must simply try to get over your feelings for her and move on, I mean, it isn't healthy for one to dwell upon it. As I was saying to Lyra the other day, and bless her little heart,-"
" Bon Bon."
"-And by doing so, you can completely erase the name Maudlin. However, the concierge wasn't too happy with the use of freeze dried chicken, and well, I stamped my little hooves and told her that everypony couldn't have their way, and you know what she did? Took the chicken and slapped it across my b-"
"I'm here to pick up my order."
"Oh yes, silly me, forty knock-out drops?"
"Yes. And I owe you twenty."
"Is it for.."
"Yes."
"Even with the restraining order?"
"Yes."
"Oh dear me, I'll have Lyra stop by after work and talk with her."
Octavia quickly scooped up her candy and trotted to the local library to pick up her latest copy of The Art Of War
"Do you have any form of ID?"
Octavia noted that security was particularly tight whenever alicorns were about. She slid her carting license over and the purple alicorn gasped.
"You're the Octavia?"
The alicorn handed her a scrap of paper and a quill.
"Can I pretty, pretty please have your autograph? With a subtext, A home is a home even if it's a bathtub. I have seventy copies here in the back room, and let me say that it is the most popular book you star in, and we're receiving a shipment of seventy more sequels next week!"
Octavia held up a hoof.
"Did-di-who wrote the book?"
"You and Carrot Top of course. Proofread by Lyra. And, you should get back together with Vinyl, I mean, it's almost kismet!"

Not wishing to cause a disturbance, she calmly wrote out her autograph, much to the obsessive fan's joy and calmly trotted to Derpy's house. Calmly, she rung the muffin shaped doorbell and listened to the noises of the ponies living inside.
"Momm, there's another fan at the door!"
"You have two mothers. To whom are you speaking to?"
"Umm, Ditzy, Derpy, Miss Hooves, Mrs. Hooves, I dunno, both of you?
(Octavia assumed that they looked at each other for a moment.)
"Dinky, sweetie, ho-"
"Go and answer the door, and give the usual hash. Ditzy, I need to speak to you in my private office."
The door opened to show a slightly more than annoyed unicorn.
"Hello, you've reached the residence of Dinky, Ditzy, and the famed author, Carrot Top. How can I help you?"
"I assume that you are Dinky."
"Yeah?"
"Where's Derpy? I need to punch her in the face."
"There is no Derpy. Just Ditzy."
"Don't lie to me. Where is she?"
"Fine. How did you know?"
"She attended a fan fiction reading and took Carrot off my hooves."
"Fine. Wait here."
Five uncomfortable minutes later, Derpy walked out.
"Come in, ever since my drone spotted you at Golden Oaks Library, I've been expecting you."

Octavia calmly walked in, but her purple eyes betrayed her seething anger. She somehow calmly threw a paperback onto the coffee table.
"You have fifteen seconds to explain this."
"Carrot Top's fan fiction has found it's way into your sweet hooves, once again."
"But why?"
"I told her to."
"BUT WHY?"
"She couldn't pay the rent."
Octavia shot a deadpan look at Derpy."
"Somehow, a one shot is twenty chapters long."
"Yes, thanks to the miracles of a lengthy introduction, large print and footnotes."
"Why? Why for Celestia's sake would you need hoofnotes?!"
"Footnotes."
"But why?"
"To explain who the many and varied characters are. And the unfortunate outcome of your failed romance."
Octavia facehooved, and Ditzy walked in and said, "Hey, honey, when you say that Carrot needs to be taken out for a walk, do you mean,-"
"Once around Ponyville and buy her a brand name cherry scone, so she knows it's good to support the big brands and to avoid the small ones like the fires of hell."
"Okay, come out Carrot Top!"

Carrot shyly poked out her head. She looked so sweet, so innocent, so kind, and so loving that Octavia's stone heart almost melted. The fiend's head snapped up on the sight of Octavia standing there. She bounced over and crashed into Dinky, which made her spill all of her hot coffee onto the floor, and made Dinky cry. Ditzy slipped on it, but Faust knows how, and crashed into the wall behind her, and the rare, priceless painting fell onto her head. When Dinky saw this through her tears, she began to hyperventilate.

Derpy then screamed, "Can we now get back on topic? Dinky, stop crying and get a new coffee. Ditzy, throw that trash away, I've always hated it."
Nopony replied.

"Thank you. Now, Octavia has come here for one intent. Vengeance, and the destruction of Carrot Top. (She glared at Carrot Top, as if it was her fault, even though it was Octavia's idea, Derpy's publishing firm, and the unfeasible public.) She has paid her rent with the publication of the famed fan fiction. It is now the most popular book on the market. So popular, that by now, she is required by public opinion and by law, to marry and love Miss Vinyl.
Octavia nodded, until she realized what Derpy said.

A Fashionable Pony and Mind Controlling Drugs (Rewritten)

Ditzy came trotting along the road.
"La la la la! Oh my, what a beautiful day in Equestria! Don't you agree, Mr. Muffin?"
Sadly for Mr. Muffin, she bit off his head, tore off his paper shirt and pants, and raped him while disemboweling him. When the gruesome muffin murder was done, she threw the evidence onto a passing cloud.
Needless to say, Mrs. Muffin was brokenhearted when he did not come home that night, but moved on into a relationship with Miss Cupcake.
Ditzy landed into the remains of Octavia's house, and noted the strange presence of the raging T-Rex. And the fact that Octavia was missing a leg. Ditzy grimly murdered the T-Rex and used it's flesh to serve as a new leg for the sleeping mare. As any smart pony knows, the body and weapon must be disposed of promptly, so, Ditzy did so, which was why she was twenty minutes late.
Octavia woke up to the smell of a bonfire and faintly saw a pony dancing around manically while screaming,
"Burn! Burn you squirming bringer of death! You shall not feast on the flesh of anypony ever again! By the power vested in me by the hell-reigning Derpy, your soul will serve as an endless feast for the being Tirek! Never again shall you taste ponyflesh! Instead, be tasted by the jaws of evil itself!"
"Good morning, Ditzy. You're particularly bloodthirsty today."
"Oh, it's nothing. You should see Derpy when she goes off to fight the evil OC's that man all around the world inflict onto us."
"Ah. What happened to my leg?"
"The T-Rex ate it. Don't worry, I've got a replacement here."

Twenty seconds later, Ditzy managed to screw on a metal leg, covered in T-Rex skin, but dyed grey.
"Gee, thanks."

Bon Bon walked up and yelled at them for not moving their lazy plots, because she worked late last night trying to land an appointment at the Carousal Boutique, and even though it was a walk in, she felt that it was the only way to be polite, after Lyra used her home as a testing site for a human revival invention. Besides, Mrs. Cheerilee didn't make an appointment at her marriage, and look at her! A jilted lover who now spent twenty years of her natural life working away at a second rate school, while the fiancee is married to the lovely unicorn, Fleur De Lis. And even though she was offered a job in Manehattan, she chose to stay in Ponyville. Silly mare. (For a split second, Bon Bon's white coat faded to black, but back again.)
The trio made their way to the Carousal Boutique.
"Hello, darlings, and welcome to the-" (To be honest I got tired of typing out the name. Deal with it.)
"Yes, well, this mare here is looking for a wedding dress."
"It that-"
"Yes. Yes it is."
"Well, I will be very happy assisting the lovely Octavia in her marriage."
"Wonderful."

For two hours, Rarity fussed over Octavia, flipping her mane this way and that, and at one point, even applying various, but pointless tattoos onto her flank, versus the natural cutie mark. (It's all the rage in Canterlot. Yes, even from the ponies that thought it was fashionable to stitch pieces of dead meat onto their bodies, so that they would get cool looking battle scars, from the scuffles with the pig knights afterwards. PIG KNIGHTS FOR LYFE!)

"Well, that was a huge waste of time," commented Octavia when she left the -.
"Oh please, the synthetic leg, leg markings, eye markings, and the voice enhancer was a much better improvement than your original being. No offense."
"None taken," growled Octavia.
They arrived at Lyra's dorm house, where they were greeted by a blue pony with a toothpaste mane.
"She's at the eighth door to the right, but mind the crossbow."
"SHIT!"
"Sorry."
A bleeding Octavia, a confused Ditzy, and a strangely evil Bon Bon knocked at the door of Lyra.
"Hello, and welcome one and all!"
"Whatever."
"Oh, I have to poison you now."
"Hoo boy."
"Love poison. We decided it must be done after you left yesterday."
"Great."
"Okay...well....here."
Octavia angrily chewed on it, like she had a death wish against the sweet piece of candy, but soon calmed down when she ingested it.
"Happy ending, here we come!!"

Author's Note

Dun dun duuuunnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!
Sorry it's so short, but I can't figure out how to properly write out the - scene. In the orginal copy, Rarity went nuts over the fact that Octavia's mane was messed up, but then it would be to stereotypical, and this story is anything but. I promise an extra long chapter in under two weeks.

Fun fact: The original name of the chapter was: "A Bitchy Pony and A Groovy Lyra"

Twilight, run him over.

Author's Note

HAH!
I HAVE TROLLED YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IS A KISS!!!

Twilight, run him over.

"So, how do you feel?"
"I feel like bullshit."
Every other pony in the room exchanged worried looks and flurried whispers. Feeling that the time was right, Octavia dropped the bomb.
"Bullshit for all the mean things I said to Vinyl! Take me to her now!"
"No need too," said Vinyl as she fell out of the nearby closet.
"Honey!"
"Darling!"
And they kissed.
"Hold it right there," yelled Dinky as she stomped into the room. Carrot Top meekly followed after her.
"Bon Bon, you're under arrest for being a changeling! And for abusing Sweetie Drops and kidnapping her, but mostly for being a changeling!"
"Yay, racism!" Carrot Top yelled, as she mercilessly pummeled the changeling.
Twenty uncomfortable minutes later, six ponies were seated in a van, while the unconscious body lay in the back.
"This is going to be so totally awesome!!" Yelled Pinkie Pie.
"Ah hafta admit beatin up Pinkahmena was more fun than ah expected."
"Well, what do we do with the body now?"
"Duh, Twi, you're supposed to be the smart one here! Just burn it," yelled Rainbow Dash.
"For once, darling, I must agree."
"Umm, guys, I think that van over there is about to crash into us. We should move."
"By jove, you're right! Full speed ahead," yelled a random, but horrible, OC, "Brrrrrrnnnnnnneeeeeeeehhnanananananananana."
"Run him over."
"If you say so, Rainbow Dash."
Another van, about a mile away, have a similar problem.
"We can't burn the changeling body, because it's so simple, that it will literally explode and melt away our ponyflesh."
Dinky crawled into the back and poked the dead body aggressively, hoping it would help our situation.
"By jove, I've got it," Shouted the OC from before. "Dinky's magic is so freakishly powerful that she can just rip away the dead memories and insert it into her own mind and track down Bon Bon safely!"
"Run him over."
"I have an idea! Let's travel to the Changeling kingdom and punch the Queen in the face until she tells us where my shmoogie woogie is!!"
"Lyra's idea is better!"
So the six ponies traveled away in the stolen van to the Changeling Kingdom, without even wondering where the kingdom was, or whether they would even be able to get past all of the guards. Or if it was really moral to punch her in the face. (Let's face it, most of the ponies here are one-sided and dumb ponies. The only smart ones...well...one of them is under mind control while the other one was just a kid.)
Twelve hours later, they gave up and went to a pay phone.
"Hello, please put in a call to the Changeling Kingdom. Chrysalis, Queen."
"Please hold."
The recorded song was then played.
"My heart will go on for you......................................oh I love you......................through I will fuck with other ponies.....................and through burning seas................I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hello, your once and future Queen speaking.

Shipper's Law

"Wait, what?"
Derpy gravely nodded.
"Shippers law, in which, if seventy five percent or more, and one alicorn agree with a shipping, they are legally required to marry and have a child, under law. It's how I conceived Dinky."
Another whump was heard, but this time it was not Dinky. Octavia lay on the floor, twitching.
"...And I arranged for a little accident, this time, on the Doctor. Then, I cloned myself, but added the nicer, sweeter side."
Ditzy smiled winningly.
"..And I must marry..."
"ME!!!"
Vinyl and Lyra were standing over her, peering into her shocked face.
"Let me help you up, honey pie!"
"Don't. Call me that. Don't. Just..don't!"
"Whatever you say, sugarcube!"
"Don't call me that either."
Derpy continued, oblivious to the argument going on, "So, your wedding is arranged for next week Tuesday. I will send Ditzy over to your house tomorrow to help plan the wedding."
Octavia grimly marched out the door, not giving a shit that the conversation was far from over. Octavia didn't know a lot about the situation, or what was going to happen, but she knew one thing.
"I need a drink."
At her house, she was in a semi-drunk state, and tried to play the cello. The beautiful strands of music surrounded her being and she felt, for the first time today, competently at peace.
A 70% proof drink didn't hurt either.
"Well done."
Octavia yelped and dropped her new cello and swung the bow around like a sword.
"Derpy.'
"She's not all that bad, you know. She really wants to help."
"She ruined my life, and chances for a life of bachelorhood."
A long, awkward pause ensued.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
(At this point, the author realized that nothing funny was going to happen, so, here is Luna, for your entertainment.)
Luna crashed in with a t-rex, and asked Octavia if she could be the bridesmaid. Then, she threw alfalfa all around, just to see if Octavia would get mad. She didn't get mad, and said it was ok. Luna then left, and gave the t-rex to Octavia for an early wedding gift, but said that part two would come at the wedding party. (Don't overthink this.)
Derpy also left, and didn't reappear for three chapters.
Octavia lay down and the t-rex tore down the rest of the house. Octavia then cried and went to sleep, unaware that she was crying, because her leg was slowly being chewed off.

Author's Note

Good lord, that Luna bit wasn't funny.