Keep Your Head Above The Waves
Bitter Sea Of Regrets
Keep Your Head Above The Waves
By Frostfur
Celestia walked through the dull empty hallways of her old castle, her golden shoes making a loud ching as they hit the marble which, at one time, shined upon those who marched its halls. A few roaches scurried away as she made her way through room.
With each step and clack of her shoes, she felt as if she was heading towards her grave, even though she knew there was no danger at all; nothing but the danger of herself. She cringed a little at the thought, but deep down she knew it was true. She was a monster, hidden behind a soft muti-colored mane and a warm fake smile. A monster that banished her own sister.
She walked with her head hung low and her ears flat against her head. A sigh escaped her mouth as she trekked through the palace that held too many dark memories. This princess, shameful and worn down, was not the princess from a week ago, for she had help her head up high, and walked with pride.
This Celestia was cowardly and doubtful. A princess that nopony would or could look up to. As she continued through the halls, she felt a single tear roll down her cheek. More would have followed if she had not felt it. Even though she was on the verge of breaking down, she continued her journey through the castle.
Ching...ching...ching... The constant noise of her shoes hitting the marble echoed through the hallways, sending a few bats fluttering away.
She then stopped, letting her ears slowly stand back up. The silence took over her in an instant,chilling her body. She shivered as a high pitched ringing filled her ears, causing her ears to creep back down to her head. This was the cold silence she now had to face.
If her sister was still there, she would have said something like, “Sister, why the long face?” But instead, there was silence in her once beautiful home. She remembered when ponies would gather around in her palace for parties, talking to each other about how they missed the bus and had to walk, and other such trivialities of her care-free subjects.
How I wish I was one of them. Not having to worry about an entire kingdom...Celestia tried to walk again, only to find her body telling her to stay. As she looked around, dread filled her as she remembered what was in this very room.
Celestia let out a deep sigh and braced herself for tears as she looked up at the stained glass window to her side. She had to force her eyes to stay open. It had Luna raising the moon, smiling with her wings lifted up. It gripped her heart to look at the shining beatified image of what her sister used to be... Of what her sister actually is. But for some odd reason, she could not look away from the image.
Celestia put her hoof onto the glass image of Luna and closed her eyes. Another tear escaped her eye, making its way down her cheek and on to the floor. Celestia searched for the right words to say, but she found herself talking while hunting for them.
"Dear sister, the silence is too much," She muttered.
As if on cue, the silence then came rushing back to her ears, making her want to go crazy as the ringing started again. She needed her sister there to take it away, like she always would. But she had exiled her. Celstia opened her eyes slowly and stared at the glass. She suddenly laughed at herself, thinking how she was pathetic enough to talk to an inanimate object as if it were a real pony. Thinking about what Luna would do, she put on a fake smile in a desperate attempt to cheer herself up.
"What a pathetic fool I have become, talking to glass. I know you would be laughing if you were right here, Luna." At the thought of her sister now gone, sorrow began to fill up inside of her. She couldn't handle the pain of it anymore. That's when she let her all her tears escape, like a dam that had finally broken.
Her tears rolled down her cheeks and fell to the floor, making a soft noise much like rain hitting the ground. Her legs weakened by her sorrow, she fell onto her side with a loud thud and covered her eyes. Sobs escaped her mouth as the bittersweet memories of her sister flooded her mind.
The memory of Luna smashing a pie in her face, then proceeding to put a cherry on her nose while she stood there simply shocked. Neither of them knew why she did it–it another burst of Luna's comic impulsiveness, it seemed–but they ended up getting a good laugh from it anyways.
As this memory returned from the depths of her mind, more tears streamed down her face, a waterfall of salty sadness. After what felt like hours, she managed to speak again.
"Ohhh Luna,” she said before another sob rushed out of her mouth. “After all I've done, I fear my shoulders are getting to weak to carry more weight," More memories came up from the ashes, this time darker and sad:
Her former friend–her best friend–Discord, succumbs to the evil of black magic and plunging Equestria into chaos. She had been forced to turn him into stone, and leave him like that for all eternity. She still remembered the evil gleam in his eyes as she struck him with her magic.
The memory of her parents attacked by the Changeling queen, begging for her help. She had been too scared and too weak, deciding instead to run off with Luna, leaving her parents to die at the hooves of the brutal queen. She extracted revenge years later, but the memory still haunted her.
This caused another wave of tears to run down her face. During the Changeling invasion, the ponies were crying the same way Celestia is crying now. Celestia felt like she was a fool, an old fool who banished her dear sister to the moon.
"What have I become?" she whispered as the tears began to slow down. "A monster who banished her own sister? A foul animal the let her own parents die at the hooves of a beast?" She remembered when she was younger, all the innocence she had then. She wouldn't harm a fly.
"Dear sister, what ever happened to us? We used to be so innocent. But now... just look at us." She remembered when they were young fillies, no responsibilities or weight on their shoulders. The freedom of not being a ruler... Celestia's mind eventually went to herself.
She, who at the age of five once wanted to start a petition to end fly abuse, now would slay an entire race in the blink of an eye. She, who once valued each precious life, wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice millions to save billions. A pony that banished her own sister to the moon, thousands of miles away from anypony else.
"I could have used the elements to make you good, but my mind rushed to the conclusion that I should banish you. I am a fool, dear sister. A fool who has made too many mistakes in her lifetime."
Celestia climbed to her hooves slowly as some of her strength came back. Once she was on her lega and confident she wouldn't fall back down, Celestia started her walk again, this time with her head held up. It was not held up with pride or confidence, but held up because she had one last thing to do before she left her old home for good and proceed to the new castle that had been built.
Celestia made her way towards the throne room, each step leading her to the place where it all started. She walked to the room slowly, committing to memory every piece of the castle for she planned to never return. She would let it break down and eventually be swallowed by the forest.
She was there. In the middle of the room that sealed Luna's fate. A musty smell filled up her nose as she examined the aging castle. She looked down up to see a bunch of cracks in the floor from a fight not too long ago. She then saw much older looking cracks from the wear and tear the castle had been though.
Memories of the things that had happened in that very room flooded her mind, almost making her fall again. She only stood there for a few seconds, but it felt like hours in Tartarus. As she turned around to leave her past behind, her regrets that were attached to each memory came flowing up like an erupting volcano.
She regretted not listening to her sister. She regretted banishing her sister. She regretted turning her best friend into stone. She regretted that she had let her parents die. She was in a bitter sea of regrets, trying to swim above the waves as they came crashing down onto her. Regrets of thousands of years piling up against her.
Each step out of the room was hard as her mind was flooded with remorse. Yet somehow, she managed to escape her bittersweet castle and make her way home.
Yet, try as she might, she would never leave that sea. She would only manage to stay above the waves as she searched for land where there wasn't any.