“Can you pass the sugar, dear?” Lyra asked me while reading the newspaper.
I looked down at the wooden table from my chair, scanning it with my hawk-like vision. “Umm,” I mumbled as I tried to find the little cup we kept the sugar in. The table was a mess, with enough crumbs and pancakes to feed a small family of mice for a year, and empty plates to supply an entire mansion.
Since I’m a human with huge muscles, though, it was easier for me to maneuver through the mess. But I soon realized that my beautiful wife made too many pancakes.
Lyra removed her eyes from the paper, giving my a silly grin at the same time. “Come on, it can’t be that hard to find.”
I started to move the mass amounts of pancakes that seemed to overrun the small table. They were like a blanket over the whole table, and I began to wonder how it was even possible to make so many.
While somewhat desperately fumbling my way around the mess that was our eating table, I struck up a conversation to buy myself some more time. “So, what did you think of the new church priest?”
Lyra chuckled, returning her eyes to the paper floating in front of her. It was Sunday, we always went to church on Sunday. But she seemed… uneasy while we were there, like there was a thorn in her side the whole time.
“He’s alright, I guess.” I could tell something was bothering her. We’ve been together for five years, and I know when somethings up.
“You guess?” I asked skeptically. “You weren’t very happy while we were in there…”
Lyra let out a long sigh as I flipped another loose pancake over, still trying to find the blasted sugar. “He’s just… I don’t know.”
I raised an eyebrow. “He’s what? Come on, you can tell me.”
She looked over to me, and I could see an expression that mimicked some form of hate towards the conversation. “I don’t think he has the drive, Jaxxxk. Before him, we had a priest that did something about those nasty gays. Now, we have a pony who talks about how all men are created equal! I mean, what is that?”
I could understand where she was coming from. As I’ve always felt the need to spread the good word of God everywhere I went, and the church is where the laws he made in that big book should be upheld.
Lyra telekinetically moved her small teacup to her lips, taking a tiny sip before continuing. “It’s awful to think that ponies don’t see God for who he is, our savior.” She glared at me like she was trying to win an argument. “If God didn’t want us to hate gays so much, then why did he make a book telling us to hate them? And why do some ponies still believe Equestria is over five thousand years old? The bible clearly disproves all of that junk!”
It’s true, the bible told us to hate them, it told us to not speak to them. In fact, just last week, Bon-Bon was exiled from our glorious home after she admitted to being gay. But like any good God fearing family would do, we told her to get some help through the church programs. Unfortunately, she didn’t want to. May God help her.
I opened my mouth to talk, but I was cut of by my wife. “And to think, if you listened to those pesky editors, your book would have been crap.” She leaned in on the table, inching her head closer to me before whispering. “I heard they were atheists…”
Atheists? My eyes widened. “Tha-thats awful…”
Lyra only nodded. “Yep, if you listened to them, our whole house would be gone. It’s a good thing you threw them all under the bus like a sack of helpless kittens.”
I could only nod back. Wow, I thought. To think that I almost listened to those guys. But then I remembered that my new hit book “Hitler was right” was only popular in my church, and nowhere else… Not even the other churches.
The dirty mouth-breather reviewers thought it was filled with too much hate. Like, what the fuck? That book was the word of God, and I should know, I’m like him in almost every way. If they didn’t want to pay for the Jaxxxk name, then they should have stopped and learned that my moral views were spot on.
“Honey?” Lyra asked. I snapped out of my thoughts, darting my eyes around as reality sank back in.
“Ops, sorry,” I laughed nervously. “I was just thinking about what you said.”
The sound of hooves filled the room as our daughter walked into the kitchen. Her main was in a total mess, and she rubbed her eyes with one of her hands.
Back in the day, me and Lyra were trying to have a child together, but the dumb doctors said it was near impossible. But we showed them! Miracle only came out with two hands, one human ear, a few patches of missing fur, and a face that only a mother could love. Seriously… I can barely look at it without puking.
She looked at the breakfast table. “Pancakes,” she mounded “Again?”
“Yes, sweetie. Pancakes,” Lyra said with a smile.
Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door. “What was that,” I said as I stood up.
“Maybe it’s the mailmare?” Lyra guessed. But the unbeliever they call ‘Derpy’ isn’t around on Sundays… I walked out into the hallway eager to find out who it was. It’s not everyday I had visitors. For some reason no one wanted to come by our house to chat. Well, their loss.
I took a few steps towards to front door. And when I reached it, I opened the little peephole to see who it was. “Oh… Oh, no.” I could feel the blood run out of my face, leaving me pale as a ghost. I took a step back in fear. It can’t be them...
“Honey…? Who’s at the door?” Lyra called over to me from the kitchen.
The door knocked again.
Oh, no..
Knock
It’s the…
“Honey?” she called again.
I quickly turned my whole body towards the kitchen. My face burned with panic. “Quickly,” I screamed. “Put on the bulletproof underwear!” But before they could even begin to react, the door flew open with enough force to destroy the hinges.
“We're here to rape your child!” one of the five ponies said as they all marched into my home. I brought my fists up to attack, but I was destroyed almost instantly be their stun guns. I jolted from the volts of electricity as my body fell the to ground.
Lyra grabbed Miracle in a desperate attempt to flee. But the ponies were too fast, and they soon overpowered her and my sweet daughter…
They beat Lyra to an inch of her life. She didn’t scream as she was beaten, though, for she knew that fighting for God would require sacrifices.
The one that stunned me was laughing maniacally. “The Gay Freedom Rights Movement always gets the children!” he said. I tried to get up to my feet, hoping that I would be able to fight them off with my amazing kung-fu abilities, but he pushed me back down. Struggling became hard as they applied the ropes to my legs and hands.
“Daddy!” my daughter screamed out for me to help her, but I couldn’t... I couldn’t help my own family against the gays…
“Just close your eyes, Miracle,” I sobbed. My eyes began to fill with moisture. “Just close your eyes…” Tears ran down my cheeks as I heard her scream in terror.
“We’re goin’ to get you gud,” one of the monsters said. And soon the room filled with nothing but the sounds of-
“Shut the fuck up,” the man said to Jaxxxk. His eyes shot daggers at him as he held back the urge to punch him right in the jaw. “Just. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.”
Jaxxon, taken back by the response of the publisher, could only mumble, “What, what is it?”
The two sat in big leather chairs with a small wooden table between them, where a leather cover book laid face up. It had been the centerpiece for most of their conversation, though Jaxxxk was doing most of the talking.
“I’m not going to print your fucking book.”
“What?! Why not!?” Jaxxxk half yelled.
“Well, first of all.” The publisher picked the book off the table. He held it in his hands, and he squinted as he saw a bolded red swastika clearly drawn out on the front. “You named it, ‘Hitler Was Right’.”
“Yeah?” Jaxxxk asked. “What’s wrong with that?”
The publisher placed the book back down before pinching the bridge of his nose. He opened his mouth but quickly shut it again, seemingly at a loss for words. After a long moment of awkward silence, the publisher removed his hand from his face.
“You know what?” he said, glaring at Jaxxxk.
“What?”
He reached down into a small bag at his feet, after rummaging through it for a while, he raised his hand revealing a small pistol. Jaxxxk watched as he placed it on the table in front of him. “Just end yourself,” he said coldly.
Jaxxxk’s eyes switched between the publisher and the pistol. “I-I can’t… It’s against my faith.”
“Trust me,” the publisher spoke. “I don’t think he would give a shit.”
