"Winter sucks...." Cloudkicker mumbled, rolling to the side and curling her blanket around herself, "Winter always sucks...."
I scratched my head, standing in the middle of my living room in a pair of boxers was hardly the time to try and comfort her. "You wanna talk about it?" And yet I tried anyways, because I'm an idiot.
Cloud just pressed the bridge of her muzzle against the couch, "I don't wanna talk about it...."
I looked around the darkened room. "Well we can't really fix this if you don't talk to me."
Cloudkicker drew the blanket I'd given her over her head. "I don't wanna be fixed. I wanna be on the couch and be sad forever."
I let out a long sigh and walked over to her. "It's been long enough, don't you think?" I plopped down on the floor, draping my arm around her covered body. "And you can't keep sleeping on my couch like it's normal."
Cloud pulled her head from the blanket, keeping her muzzle covered, "You -onna makmeshtap?"
I knew what she meant, but the mumbling was rather childish. "No, I'm not going to kick you out. I probably should, but I don't want you to go crazy on your own." I moved my hand up to her head, letting my fingertips lay across the base of her ear. "But we really need to fix this."
Cloudkicker retained her tired expression, shifting it away from me. "Maybe...tomorrow maybe...."
I let out a long huff and retracted my arms. "Alright...are you gonna be okay for the night? You don't need me to stay up with you again?"
Cloudkicker stared at the wall, refusing to return my eye contact. "No...yes...no, no."
I stood up and took a few steps towards the door. "Well...you want a hug?"
"No! Go away and let me sleep!" she snapped, pulling the covers over her head.
"Alright, alright." I turned to the door and started walking towards bed.
"...Yes." Cloudkicker croaked, followed by a soft thud as she rolled off my couch and onto the floor. "I don't wanna be alone right now...."
I blew a stream of warm air through my fingers, clutching my mouth as I turned around. "So you're not okay.... Let me go grab and extra pillow--"
"You can use this one." she grumbled, throwing a pillow at my feet. Her entire body was still covered by the rather plain brown fur blanket. "I don't need one."
I slowly plucked the pillow off the floor. "You planning something?"
Cloudkicker wiggled her head out of the covers. "You know it's not like that."
I scratched my head as I walked over to her, "It could be--"
Cloudkicker sat upright, "But it's not. And I- at least for now, I think it's better if things just stayed how they are."
I let out a long, cold breath, the cold starting to settle in for the night. "Fine, fine, that's fine." I plopped down on the floor, wedging the pillow between my neck and the front of the couch, "I mean...we are friends, and that's fine."
Cloudkicker dragged herself over my lap, laying slightly diagonal and resting her head against my waist, looking off towards the door out of my living room. "Don't be mad...I mean...I'm not trying to lead you on...."
"Lead me on? Oh, because the couch thing.... No...I get that...I just- I guess I don't get why we can't be." I scratched the back of my head. "I know ya'll take this stuff serious, but I mean- never mind...I guess I'm just being selfish." I let my left hand snake around her neck and cradle her head into the bend of my arm, my hand gently brushing her right foreleg. My right hand went to the back of her head, moving down her neck. I gave her a few pets before letting my hand fall limp and rest at my side.
Cloudkicker nuzzled her face against my upper arm. "...You smell...."
I adjusted myself, giving a short cough as I tried to keep her head out of my armpit, "I shower in the mornings and worked today...I'm not gonna smell great."
Cloud pushed her head back up, "I don't mind...it reminds me of him."
"...Great, so I smell like a dog?" I asked, lifting my right arm and looking at my pit. "It's not like I try."
Cloudkicker let out a short grunt and let her head fall, laying her neck across my lap and planting her face into the couch. "...I miss him."
"Go to sleep." I mumbled, pulling my free hand to her head and burying it in her golden mane. "I know...I miss him too."
Cloudkicker let out a short whimper. "And he was fine...I mean...every day I would come home and he was fine as ever...he was...he wasn't old either...he just--"
I grabbed her mane softly, pulling her out from between my arm and my chest and laying her head against my shoulder. "I know...but he's in a better place...."
Things grew a bit quiet, Cloud's hooves clattering against the floor as she tried to curl up. "You promise?" she asked with an entirely too shaky tone. "You promise he's okay?"
I lowered my head, blowing a soft stream of air down across her head, clutching her head tight to my shoulder. "I promise you he's in a more peaceful, calmer, and all around nicer place...."
Things grew quiet as Cloudkicker finally curled her back legs up and let them rest against the tops of my feet. "Fenn...what do you think happens when you die?"
I stopped all movements cold. "I uh...not really sure. I don't really think I'm the person to ask about that stuff."
Cloudkicker tightened into a ball across my legs. "Well who should I ask?"
I scratched my head, finding a long blonde strand of hair stuck under my fingernail. "Uh...a priest? Celestia? Don't you ponies have a religion too?"
Cloudkicker's voice came back, barely stable and on the verge of tears, "Yeah...but we don't- it's not something we talk about much."
I took a deep breath, slowly caressing the obviously fragile mare. "Uh...well, I mean.... The way I think of it, and I don't necessarily believe in god or all that jazz of heaven and hell...but.... Be good...be a good person and you've have a good life...have a good life and when you're ready to go, to whatever is waiting, and you'll be happy. Or...if you're not, you'll have people there to help you along the way. People to hold you han- hoof, people to talk to you when you're sick, people to see you off. And...maybe people you'll see again."
Cloudkicker let out a sharp gasp into my shoulder. "Fenn...I'm scared.... I don't wanna die."
"Cloud listen to me--"
"I mean...Sammy wasn't even two years old and he just...he never woke up when I got home...."
"Cloudkicker--"
She wrapped her forelegs around my arm, pulling tight against me. "Fenn I don't wanna die...but I just- why- what's to stop me from not just waking up one day!?"
"Cloudkicker!" I screamed, grabbing her by the nape of her back and scooting her up my body. I let her sit on my lap, facing me with her hooves draped over my shoulder. I brought one arm around her back and cradled her head, my other arm wrapped around her back and holding her in place. "I promise you that won't happen...."
"You can't!" she screamed, lifting her head up and digging her hooves into my back. "No one ca--" I moved my hand to the side of her head and pulled her against my cheek. "You can't.... You can't- nopony can, no...I don't--"
"Shhhh," I cooed, rubbing her head. "It's okay...Cloudkicker I've got you right now, you're safe."
Cloudkicker pressed her head against my own, her muzzle rubbing up and down the back of my head. "I'm scared, I'm so scared, Fenn. I don't- I'm so scared--"
"That's okay...." I hummed, "It's okay to be scared...it's a scary thing. But you're young, you've got so much left to do and I promise you you'll get to do them in time."
Cloudkicker's soft sobs slowly gave out, "But I just- it's gonna happen--"
"Cloudkicker...it's gonna happen, yes-" she let out a sharp gasp as I spoke, tightening up around my arm. "-but think of how much you've got to do. Are you really going to let all this eat up all the time you've got?" I slowly eased my grip, digging my fingernails against the underside of her wings. "...Cloudkicker...I think you need help.... Like more help than I can give you."
"I'm not ready yet." she mumbled, going slack in my arms. "I don't think I'm ready to deal with it right--"
"Cloud, you've been on my couch for almost a month, if this is why, then it's obviously a big enough problem that you need to fix it soon." I dragged my hand across the arch of her folded wing, enjoying the smooth somewhat boney texture. "I'll go with you if you want, but I won't let this keep eating away at you."
Cloudkicker went completely limp in my arms, "Fenn...is it bad if I hear ponies telling me to do things."
I took a deep breath and bopped my forehead against hers. "Well it's not good...what do they say?"
"...Give up...quit...stop, leave.... Stuff like that." She wrapped her hooves around my arm, the blanket falling aside. "They keep telling me your bad...that you wanna hurt me...but I don't- you don't wanna hurt me right?!"
I ducked my head down, planting a soft kiss on her forehead, "Cloud...tomorrow. I'll call in sick."
She flinched as I moved my right hand down to her flank, pulling her against my with my wrist and rocking left and right. "...They're not gonna hurt me...right?"
I took a deep breath as I cradled the mare against me with my wrists. "They might...but I promise you...we're gonna fix this, and we're gonna- we're gonna be together one day...."
Cloudkicker took a deep, shaky breath, "You promise?"
"I promise." I shot back almost immediately.
Cloudkicker adjusted on my lap. "...Fenn, I'm scared."
"That's okay, I'm scared too." I wrapped my hand around her head, running my thumb up and down her ear. "But I think together we can f- no, I know together we can figure this out."
Cloudkicker leaned against me. "Fenn...I'm tried.... Can you- you can wake me up right?"
I slowed my rocking to a gentle pace. "Yeah, I can do that. Now go on, get some rest, I'll be right here when you wake up."
Cloudkicker rested her chin on my shoulder, "Oh...and Sammy says thank you for the dog treats...." she went still across my chest, forcing me to lean back and force my legs forward to keep her from slipping off and doming herself on the floor.
I let out a long sigh as I tried to settle in for the night. "Fenn...you're a damn idiot.... An idiot who smells like a dog."