The Apple Pie is Burnt

by ThunderChaserCreate

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 7202

Twilight tries to cook a romantic meal for her and Applejack.

Twilight tries to cook a romantic meal for her and Applejack.

Spoiler alert: it doesn't go so well.

Published 2014-08-12 21:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-12 21:00:05 UTC

The Apple Pie is Burnt

Have you ever been having a conversation with somepony, anypony, and get so completely zoned out you can barely understand what they're saying?

As in, it takes around four tries for a question to be asked, understood, and answered correctly or truthfully?

It's been happening to me a lot lately, but only with one pony.

Applejack.

We're dating, yes, of course, but... nopony knows that, and it's tough covering our tracks when I keep drifting off into la-la land in the middle of a conversation.

Up until now, this little phenomenon hasn't got me into any sort of trouble, but today... well...

"Twilight?" Applejack waved a hoof in front of my face.

I jumped a bit, blinking to clear my head. "Sorry, what was that?"

Applejack chuckled. "I said, do you wanna meet up tonight? Big Mac's coverin' the harvestin' for me, and I figured we'd take the opportunity to have dinner or somethin'."

"Oh! Oh, that sounds great!" I smiled warmly. "Where?"

"Actually, I was thinkin' about this a bit, I've never had..." Applejack's voice drifted off, becoming less important than trying to figure out how her hat stayed on while being pushed off by both ears at once...

"Whatdya think?" Applejack finished, looking hopefully at me.

"Uh... sure! Sounds great!" I agreed, trying desperately to put on a tone of assuredness rather than one of confusion. It wasn't really working.

"You sure? I don't wanna impose..." Applejack took her hat off, holding it over her heart.

"Um..." I bit my lip. "Yes. Yes, I think it's a good idea."

"That's great! Then I'll see you tonight at your place?"

"Huh? Oh! Yes!" I nodded enthusiastically to hide my fake grin.

"Alright! Take care, sugarcube. And... don't work too hard for me."

I chuckled lightly.

Applejack leaned over to give me a small peck on the cheek, then mashed her hat back onto her head.

And I was left standing there, in a back alley, wondering what I had just promised to do for my marefriend.

But I really couldn't help it. Since I'd met her, I'd admired Applejack. At first, it was just a friendly trust I had in her. But, as we spent more time together, I started to notice other things. She was tough, but she was gentle when the situation called for it. She was rigid, could stand her ground, but would bend over backwards to accomplish things for her friends.

I shook my head clear, focusing on the topic at hoof.

I had just promised something to the pony of honesty, and I didn't even know what it was.

I could feel that familiar ache of panic rising in my chest as I trotted out into the sunlight. What if she thought I din't care about our relationship? What if she thought...

I knew I was starting to be sucked into the whirlpool of anxiety when a pink blessing landed in front of me.

"Hey, Twilight!" Pinkie grinned, her snout pressed against mine in an obnoxious gesture.

"Hey... Pinkie..."

"Can I help you?" Pinkie asked.

"Um..." I took a few steps away. "With what?"

"With the dinner, silly! I'm great at cooking!" She showed her enthusiasm by bouncing around me in a full circle. "So, can I?"

"Cooking?" I repeated.

"Yeah! You know, Applejack was all like 'I ain't never had no chance to taste yer cookin' sugarcube! Whadya think about cookin' dinner?'" Pinkie quoted in the worst country accent I had ever heard. I tried to ignore the triple negative as she continued. "Then you were like 'Huh? What? Huh? Sure!'"

"I... what?" I felt my stomach drop through my hooves and into the cobblestone street.

"So, can I help?" Pinkie asked again. "I mean... come on, Twilight. We've tasted your cookies."

I swallowed hard. "Yes... yes, you can help. Just don't tell Applejack... okay?"

Pinkie gasped dramatically. "Like a secret? A secret cooking party? That's so--"

I cut her off with a hoof to the mouth. "Shh! I don't want anypony to know about this, okay?"

Pinkie nodded her head, then spit my hoof out of her mouth. "Wait, why not?"

Twilight looked for a reason. "Because... because I want to impress her."

"Why?"

"Because. I care about her, and I want her to think highly of me."

"Why?"

"Because--" I stopped. "Because! She's my friend!"

"Why?"

I sighed. "Pinkie, please just help me out, would you?"

Pinkie thought about that for a minute. "Wait! What am I doing? Of course!" She chuckled. "Wasn't that funny? How I asked you, and then wound up asking me?"

"Hilarious," I muttered.

Pinkie kept laughing. "I know, right?"

I shook my head. "Alright, gather your best recipes and meet me at the palace, okay?"

Pinkie smiled, her laughing spell ending right on cue. "Sure thing! I'll see ya there!"

Twilight watched Pinkie's wild colors disappear into the crowd, then started back towards her home at the Rainbow Palace.

Cooking? Why had Applejack asked me to cook? I knew next to nothing about cooking, and Applejack was so good... I mean, they had all tasted her delicious apple deserts, as well as her pasta and her soups... she was naturally talented.

I, however, spent my hard-earned bits from running the library on deep-fried take out. I could also make dry cereal and sometimes toast for breakfast. But the toast usually burned.

Actually, if it hadn't been for my rather action-filled life outside the library, I'd probably be too heavy to walk.

And my marefriend, whom I cared for deeply, wanted me to make her a romantic dinner.

I rushed home, trying to make a mental list of romantic dressings.

Candles... music... uh, rose petals... candles... wait... no, wine! And candles!

I opened the door to the castle, resolving to clear the throne room and convert it into a dining room. Easier said than done, really.

I spent the next half hour lugging giant thrones made of solid crystal to the edges of the room, hiding them under drapes and tapestries. Even with my strong magic, the task was an exhausting bore.

Finally, Pinkie reappeared, wearing a saddle bag stuffed to the gills with recipes.

"Hiya, Twilight! I got the stuff!" Pinkie bounded up to the door.

I nodded. "Thanks. Come on, come inside," I whispered.

"Mm'kay!" Pinkie hopped past me, stopping short just inside. "Wowzers!"

The sound echoed in the huge room.

"Yes, I know. Pinkie, just get in the kitchen, would you?" I ushered her off, leading her into the small room. I was already tired of her antics. However minor her ridiculousness was, I just couldn't put up with it tonight! But I had to...

"Wait! Don't you wanna pick a recipe?" Pinkie asked.

"Uh..." I looked behind me at the empty room. "Um... not now. I need to get a table ready!"

"But--"

I slammed the door in Pinkie's face. I needed to focus, have something showy and comfortable ready for AJ when she arrived.

"Okay... table!" I ran up the stairs, heading for the attic. There was all kinds of crazy stuff up there. I'd find something up there.

The attic was mainly constructed from corridors of cardboard boxes, as well as ladders and step-stools. I took flight, hovering just over the boxes and scanning their contents.

There was a tarp covering one of them.... kind of looked like a table...

I gave up, grabbing the tarp and a couple of the newer boxes, rushing them down the stairs and throwing them in a hap-hazard pile in the middle of the floor. A quick straightening up and a tarp over it... nopony would ever know the difference, least of all Applejack.

There was a knock at the door.

"Eh... one second!" I yelled.

"Aw, don't worry, Twilight. I'm sure you look fine!" Applejack called back.

"I--" I started to say. "My mane!" I hissed, grabbing at it with both hooves. "Oh, Celestia, I didn't do my mane!"

"Twilight?"

"Just-- hold on!"

I ran into the kitchen, grabbing the nearest and prettiest plates I could reach.

"Twilight listen I laid out all the recipes--" Pinkie blurted.

"One second!" I cut her off, dashing back into the throne room. I practically threw the plates and silverware onto the table, then stood in front of the door. After mussing with my mane for a moment of two, I opened it.

"Hey, sugarcube!" Applejack leaned over to kiss me on the forehead.

"Hi, AJ..." I sighed in relief. "Um... come in!"

Applejack smiled, trotting inside. "Aw... you didn't have to do this for me! This must've taken forever!"

"Yeah, well..." I chuckled awkwardly.

"Aw," Applejack cooed, giving me a little nuzzle on the cheek. "Well, thanks. You know I appreciate the elbow grease."

I chuckled again, but it came out sounding like a baby seal being choked.

"Uh... you alright?"

"Uh-huh! Great..." I looked back to the kitchen. "But... look, I'm still working on the food. Would you mind waiting?"

"'Course not. But, um, I could use a chair. Or a bench. Or anything at all besides the table to sit on." She laughed.

I slapped my forehead. "Right!"

Applejack laughed some more. "Don't you worry about it. This looks nice."

I nodded, then ran back up to the attic. "Chairs... chairs... chairs..." My frantic eyes landed on one of the many step-stools. "Chairs!"

I grabbed two, rushing back down to the throne room and hurling them into place.

Applejack barely had time to react before I was in the kitchen.

"Okay, Pinkie. Tell me you've got something good." I silently prayed as I looked over the recipes.

"Well, yeah! These are all awesome treats! They'll definitely impress AJ!" Pinkie gestured to the wide array of papers.

I took a closer look. "Wait, treats?"

"Yeah!"

"Pinkie, I'm cooking a meal! These are all desserts!" The ache returned.

"Whoops... well, I didn't know that! You just said best recipes!" Pinkie exclaimed. "I've never cooked a meal!"

"I'm sorry! I thought at least one would--" I stopped right there, taking a deep breath and letting it gently out. "Okay. We can handle this. We'll figure this out, but I have to find some way to keep AJ distracted while we work."

Pinkie nodded. "Right. Um... what are we going to make?"

I glanced around the kitchen, looking for inspiration.

"Ooh! Ooh! That!" Pinkie pointed towards the trash can.

"What?" I asked.

Pinkie ran over, pulling a cardboard box out of the trash. "Pizza!"

"Pizza!" I agreed.

"Yay!" Pinkie bounced around me in a circle, finally coming to a landing near the fridge. "I'll look for the ingredients! You distract the farmer!" Pinkie ordered in a faux drill sergeant tone.

I nodded. "Sounds good. Don't forget to look for toppings!"

I ran back out into the throne room. Applejack was trying to get herself situated on the stool when she saw me. "Hey! Everything alright?"

"Yes. Yes! Yes, everything's great. But, uh... dinner's gonna take a while, so I figured we could... watch a movie?" I suggested.

"Sure thing! What've you got, then, Twi?" Applejack got off the stool, following me as I trotted up the stairs towards my bedroom.

"A lot, actually. Since projectors no longer need a constant source of magic to power them, movies are in high demand." I lead Applejack to my bin of movie reels. "I am still running the library, after all. Go ahead, pick one that sounds good. I've gotta... go check the food!"

"Love it when you talk tech, Twi!" Applejack called over her shoulder as I headed back down the stairs. I was getting tired of those stairs...

I didn't have time to react. I think I just laughed a little too hard.

After throwing myself back into the kitchen, I was finally met with good news.

"We got all the stuff, Twi-Twi!" Pinkie grinned, showing off a mountain of savory goodies on the cutting board.

"Great! We'd better get started. How... how do you make dough?" I asked.

Pinkie looked at the ingredients. "Well... we can use pie crust! But without sugar?"

"Good enough! I'll be right back!" I galloped out the door and back to my room with AJ.

"You alright? you seem a might... stressed." Applejack gave me a once-over.

I grinned. "No problem! Did you pick a movie?"

Applejack put two film reels on the floor in front of me. "If you're gonna keep runnin' around like a chicken without a head, I'll watch the horror movie. But..." Applejack held the other one up. "If you're willing to just sit with me, we can watch this one..."

I took the movie from her. "'Neigh Anything?' You hate Rom Coms!"

"I could stand it if I get to hold your hoof and tease you as we watch."

I bit my lip to stop from smiling too hard. "Oh... okay, yes. Just give me a minute while I... set a timer."

"Do whatcha gotta do. I'll get this set up." Applejack shooed me.

I trotted happily back down, pushing open the kitchen door to reveal Pinkie feverishly making pie crust. "How's it going, Pinkie?"

"Pretty good... pie crust is always hard, but I'm the master!" Pinkie stuffed a few sticks of butter and shortening into a blender.

"Thank Celestia. We need a master."

Pinkie hit the button and the blender started to growl. "Go distract AJ! I got this. I'll, uh... how'll you know when I'm done?"

"Here." I grabbed an egg-shaped timer from nearby. "When you need me, set it for ten seconds and let it off, then I'll come back."

"Ooh! So secret-y!" Pinkie squealed.

Pinkie clearly had the beginning stages covered, so I ran back up to AJ.

She had pulled the mattress off the bed and onto the floor, long side facing the screen. She even lined up pillows against the wall to make it like a couch. She patted next to her, and I came over to sit.

"I sure hope I don't live to regret this..." Applejack muttered, smiling all the while as she played the movie.

We weren't more than five minutes in when the timer went off.

"Oh, boy... I'm sorry, AJ, I just--"

Applejack held up a hoof. "No problem, honey. Go do what you need to do. When you come back, we'll keep watching the movie. Or... we could do other things on this mattress that I hauled onto the floor. Your choice."

I leaned over to give her a kiss on the cheek, running down to the kitchen. Those stairs were going to kill me.

"Twilight?" Pinkie called.

"I'm coming."

"Wait, don't come in."

I stopped at the door. "Pinkie..." I warned.

"There... there was a freak accident..."

I took a deep breath and a few steps back, then opened the doors with my magic.

Inside, every surface seemed to be coated with a sticky, cream-colored substance. Chunks of what I think was flour clung to the gluey mess in some places, slowly running down the wall or forming stalactites on the ceiling.

"Of course..." I glanced quickly at the walls and ceiling, trying not to lose it as I thought about how long this would take to clean.

"The top flew off the blender, and--"

"I... yes." I nodded. A drip of batter fell onto my head.

"Are you mad?"

"Surprisingly, no. Just-- just do your best to clean up and... make some more dough, okay? And please, for the sake of my kitchen..." I trotted over to her, whispering in her ear. "Keep a hoof on the lid next time."

Pinkie nodded. "Aye-aye, mon cap-i-tan!"

"Good. I'm going to get a towel." I forced a smile, making a quick detour to the fillies' room to wipe off my hooves and horn.

After making myself comfortable on the faux sofa, Applejack started the movie again. As we watched, she would sometimes give me a small poke, or a nuzzle, sometimes even a kiss on the cheek. She may seem like a rough-and-tumble pony on the outside, but inside she was a huge softee.

We spent thirty relaxing minutes watching that movie before the timer went off again.

Applejack groaned, relinquishing her gentle grip around my barrel.

"Sorry... lemme go check the food." I flashed a forced smile, climbing off the sofa and stumbling back down the stairs.

"What is it now, Pinkie?" I grumbled.

"Well..." Pinkie motioned me over to look at her 'pizza.'

The dough, for starters, was torn and repaired in several places. The sauce on top of that had huge chunks of tomato in it, since it was meant for topping pasta, and was spilled over the edge of the circle. On top of that was an entire block of cheese, just sitting there. Not cut up, not squished down, let alone actually grated like it was meant to be. Pinkie had thrown some black olives and mushrooms over that, but...

"I think I'm gonna throw up..." I mumbled, the sick worried-ness rising in my throat once more.

"Um... could you do it on the dough, maybe?" Pinkie gestured to another blob of dough nearby. "I think it might look prettier and taste batter..."

"Oh, Celestia..." I held my head. "Okay. Okay, we need to fix this. Um..." I looked around the room, hoping that the solution to my problem would leap out from a corner and bite me.

Upstairs, I imagined Applejack growing tired and bored. It wasn't helping.

"Okay. Pinkie, grate that cheese onto a plate, then throw out that dough and everything else on it."

"Si!" Pinkie grabbed the block of cheese off the disaster before her, rinsing it and placing it to the side.

"I... need to go tell AJ that some problems have arisen..." I muttered to myself.

I went back up the stairs again, meeting AJ's hopeful face. "Hey..."

"What'sa matter?" Applejack got up from her lounging position.

"Well... how do I put this lightly? Equestria, we have a problem..." I slapped my forehead.

"It can't be that bad." Applejack reassured me, rubbing my shoulder gently.

I scoffed. "Oh, it totally is. Look, I won't be able to finish the movie with you."

"That's too bad... don't worry, I can occupy myself. Long as you come for a visit when you can." She nuzzled behind my ear, making me giggle.

"Okay, okay. Sorry about this..."

"Don't be silly. If anypony appreciates effort, it's me. You take your time."

"Right..." I left Applejack to watch her ridiculous horror film, going back to the kitchen with my game face on.

"Alright, Pinkie. Listen to me:" I grabbed Pinkie, spun her around, and stuck my snout against hers. "We are going to make three wonderful, gorgeous, delicious pizzas. Applejack will love them. And we hopefully won't die in the process."

"Yes, ma'am!" Pinkie nodded.

"Then Applejack and I will have a nice dinner with amicable conversation and probably watch a movie afterwards!"

"All... right..." Pinkie was a little confused as to what this had to do with her.

"Okay. Did you grate the cheese?" I asked, not removing my snout from Pinkie's face.

Pinkie pointed over to a plate with a mound of cheese. "And I didn't even cut my hooves!" She smiled.

"Great. Just know that, if blood is shed, it will probably blend with the sauce."

"Um... are you planning on shedding blood for these pizzas? Any other... any other bodily fluids going to be making an appearance that I should know of?" Pinkie asked, genuinely concerned.

"I really don't know." I backed away, picking up all of the dough and throwing it in the garbage. "Okay. Pinkie Pie, I need you to go find some kind of cookbook in my library. Make sure it has from-scratch pizza dough in it."

"You got it, boss!" Pinkie whizzed off.

"As for me... I'd better throw some tomatoes in a blender or something." There were still plenty of the red fruit (or was it a vegetable?) out on the counter from when Pinkie had gathered the ingredients. I grabbed three and set them aside.

After digging through the enormous spice cabinet, I found a little glass container labeled 'pizza.' "That'll have to do," I remarked, pouring a generous amount into the blender, I then carved the stems out of the tomatoes and threw them in. After mashing the lid down on top, pushing it into place with all of my weight, I pressed the 'start' button.

It may as well have been 'pulverize.' The lid rattled like crazy, threatening to throw me off.

Pinkie ran back in, the door slamming behind her. "Okay! I've got a recipe!"

"Great!" I muttered, my voice wobbling from the wrestling match I was having with the blender.

"It says..." Pinkie drew out the last word while she set the large book on the table and opened it to the right page. "We need flour, water, yeast, salt, olive oil and... sugar? Gross!"

"Whatever! Just do what it says!" I panicked, basically screaming over the noise of the blender.

After another minute or two, the rattling eased up. Pinkie was gathering the needed materials from around the kitchen, practically teleporting back and forth across the room.

"Okay... should I start?"

"Yes, for Celestia's sake!" I told her. I emptied the blender into a nearby bowl. While it was mostly smooth, the skins of the tomatoes were still whole and suspended inside.

I used a spoon to fish them out while Pinkie started combining ingredients.

Of course, the first thing she measured had to be flour. She picked up the rather large bag from the floor... minus the bottom.

Flour was everywhere in a fraction of a second.

"Oh--!" Pinkie shouted.

"It doesn't matter! Just scoop the stuff off the top where it hasn't touched the floor!" I told her.

"Okay..." Pinkie agreed uncertainly. She scooped the appropriate measurement off the top, dumping it into her own large mixing bowl.

I swooped in to rescue what I could, putting it in a reliable container before tucking it back into the pantry.

I swept the rest into a corner.

I had just stopped caring.

"Dough's done!" Pinkie exclaimed, lifting a squishy, sticky, stretchy blob out of her glass mixing bowl. "It looks... eh..."

"I'm sure it's fine. Go ahead and split it up, would you? We're gonna need more cheese..." I threw open the fridge, grabbing out a pale, wet blob of what I suppose was mozzarella. "Good enough."

Using my magic, I could grate the cheese easily and quickly-- while picking out other toppings.

"Alright. AJ likes... what does she like?" I panicked.

"Apples!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Pinkie--"

"She really likes apples."

"But--"

"Like, she really--"

"Pinkie!" I cut her off. "Apples don't go on pizza!"

Pinkie opened her mouth to protest, but said nothing.

I made a face at her, trying to prompt some kind of response.

"Oh, yeah..."

I sighed dramatically.

"Well, just make it plain!"

I stomped a hoof. "But... but I wanna be classy!" I whined.

Pinkie snorted in laughter. "Pizza isn't classy!"

I smacked my head against the counter.

"Chalkboards."

"What?"

"Chalkboards are classy. Also, the alphabet song. I mean, who sings that outside of school? A, B, C, D-- Hey! I do!" She laughed again, continuing her little ditty.

"Oh, not that kinda class-- fancy!" I corrected.

"Oh." Pinkie stopped laughing to think about that. "Well, pizza isn't fancy, either."

I started to growl,but was cut off by a hoof in my mouth.

"Oh, Twilight. Don't you worry. Your Auntie Pinkie's gonna take good care of you..." She used her free hoof to pat me on the head.

I pushed the hoof out of my mouth. "Pinkie, you are the youngest of all of us! Why do you keep calling yourself 'Auntie?'"

Pinkie shrugged.

"Okay... fine. Never mind. It's not important." I waved off the argument. "What do you think Applejack would like on her pizza?"

"Hm..." Pinkie stroked her chin, as though stroking a beard. "That's a toughie. I mean, Applejack loves apples, but... the question is, do they go with garlic?"

"No! No, they definitely--" I growled again. "Never mind! I'll pick something!"

"Okay! What do I do?" Pinkie asked. She had since finished splitting up the dough and shaping it properly.

"Um... well... actually, I can probably take it from here..." I muttered, digging around in the fridge for anything that might go well on a pizza.

"What about a first course?" Pinkie asked.

"Um..." I was trying to remember what I had planned. "Wait, wait, wait. First course?"

"Yeah! Fancy meals have three courses. First you get an appetizer type thing, like a soup or a salad, then the meal, then dessert! Or... something like that, anyway..." Pinkie pondered this, but I shook her out of her thoughts.

"Can you do soup?"

Pinkie scoffed. "No way!"

"Okay... okay, salad it is, then..." I went back into the fridge. "Pinkie, can you put the pizzas together? Dear Celestia, this is exhausting..."

"I got the pizzas!" Pinkie swept her foreleg across the counter, gathering all the toppings near her piece of the counter.

"Great." I pulled out a few more tomatoes, some cucumbers, some olives... "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me..."

"What?"

"We don't have lettuce... oh, Celestia, we don't have any lettuce!" I grabbed Pinkie by the shoulders turning her to face me. "This is an all-out DISASTER! Not one thing has gone right today, and it's all because I was too busy staring at Applejack's hat to listen to what she was trying to tell me!"

"Yeah, that's pretty bad, Twilight..." Pinkie commented.

"Pinkie listen: you need to go buy lettuce. Iceberg lettuce. Make sure it isn't brown or mushy. Don't side-track, don't buy anything else, just go buy one head of iceberg lettuce and bring it right back," I told her, as clearly and specifically as possible.

Pinkie nodded. "You got it."

"Okay. Go ahead, I'll do the pizzas." I shooed Pinkie out, bringing an apron to my side with my magic.

Pinkie gave the door a push, didn't even take a step, then turned right around and walked back in.

"Yeah, Applejack's out there." She grimaced.

"Oh, my-- you're joking." I grabbed Pinkie's cheeks. "Pinkie, you're joking! Please tell me you're joking!"

"No, she's headed this way."

"Well-- Just-- I--" I stuttered. "Plan 'B!' Get in the pantry!" I hissed.

"Okay!" she hissed back. She scuttled off, cramming herself into the pantry and closing the door behind her.

As soon as she was gone, I ran out into the throne room. "AJ!"

"Hey, Twi. Look, I feel bad about the, uh... situation here. I wanna help you out. It'll be more fun, anyways."

"No, no!" I shook my head violently. I could almost hear my brain rattling inside my skull. "It's fine. Just.... one second."

I ran back in, opening the door of the pantry to let Pinkie out.

"Is she gone?" Pinkie whispered.

"No... look, I need you to come out when you hear Applejack stop talking."

"When she..." Pinkie looked confused.

I sighed, putting a hoof on Pinkie's shoulder. "Please. When she stops talking, just run past, okay? Go get the lettuce and then come back and ring the doorbell and act like you... I don't know, we'll play it by ear. Can you do that?"

Pinkie nodded.

"Great." I breathed a sigh of relief.

Applejack stood alone in the throne room, tapping her hoof and waiting for me to appear.

"Hey. Come on, let's go upstairs." I motioned for her to follow me.

"What about--"

"Yeah, just... just wait on the food. We'll handle that later." I started pushing Applejack towards the stairs.

"But I thought--"

I gave Applejack a harder shove.

"What is going on..." Applejack a murmured, not really directing the question to anypony but herself.

If Applejack wasn't going to turn around and wasn't going to go upstairs... I had to rely on plan 'C.'

I spun Applejack so that she was facing away from the kitchen, threw off her hat, and kissed her full on the mouth.

Did I mention we had never kissed each other on the mouth before?

Yeah.

Yeah...

I had to be extra dramatic, too, moaning and groaning to cover up the noise of Pinkie's escape.

As Pinkie started trotting by, she stopped in the middle of the room to stare at us kissing.

My eyes were wide open the whole time, and I attempted to motion her towards the door with them.

Pinkie stared.

I made more noise.

Pinkie walked slowly towards the door.

I dipped Applejack.

And she was gone.

I dropped Applejack on the floor.

"Ow..." She sat up, rubbing the back of her head. "You know, that was enjoyable 'til you dropped me."

"Oh my gosh! AJ, I'm sorry!" I knelt down beside her. "Lemme get you some ice."

"No, no. I'm fine. Uh... you said you wanted to watch a movie?"

Holy Horseapples. It actually worked! I threw her off so bad that she doesn't even think it was weird! I thought. I could feel myself smiling with the thought that I had gotten away with it.

"You alright, sugarcube? You're smilin' for no reason again," Applejack reminded me.

"Right. Yes! Let's go finish the movie." I trotted up the stairs, Applejack right behind me.

And so we wasted another twenty minutes waiting for Pinkie to return. honestly, the movie was pretty bad, but... that was almost the point, right?

When the doorbell rang, Applejack was up in an instant. "I'll get it!"

"No, no! I'll get!" I jumped up, running to Applejack's side.

"Let me get it," Applejack said, walking forward to stand in the door.

"No, I'll get it," I argued, shoving myself between Applejack and the door frame.

Applejack said nothing, just eyed me carefully and tried to take a step.

Of course, we were stuck there.

We struggled for a while, long enough that Pinkie thought it necessary to ring the doorbell a second time.

Finally, the two of us popped free, actually rolling down the stairs form the force. We practically crawled over each other to open the door.

"Hey... guys..." Pinkie stared down at us like Applejack had just sprouted three wings and a horn.

"Hello, Pinkie! What are you doing here?" I asked, getting up and standing normally. Applejack did the same.

"I... brought some free cabbage! I mean, lettuce!" Pinkie exclaimed, passing me the plastic bag.

"Um..." I looked over at Applejack, who just shrugged. I mean, this wasn't too far beyond Pinkie's normal weirdness, after all. "Thank you! Could you... could you just go put that in the kitchen please?"

Pinkie nodded, a look of shock and horror still on her face. I watched her walk across the room, then started pulled Applejack towards the stairs.

Applejack, still confused and trying to watch Pinkie's departure, just let me drag her across the room and to the stairs.

"Come on, AJ," I murmured.

She shook her head. "Oh. Right, right. Sorry, I'm just... I don't know. Zoned out."

I led her carefully up the stairs, then sat her down on the mattress. "I have to get back to work, okay?"

"Sure. You think Pinkie..." Applejack couldn't finish the question, just shook her head. "Nah. Of course not. We hang out all the time..."

I nodded. "I'm sure she has no idea."

"Well, if she does have an idea, the whole town's gonna know in a few days!" Applejack pointed out.

My eyes widened. She was right. Of all ponies, why did Pinkie have to over hear us in the alley? I mean, she definitely knew now! "I'm sure it's fine. Get comfy and finish your movie. Dinner's almost ready, okay?"

Applejack smiled. "Sure thing, Twi. Don't work yourself too hard."

I smiled. "Right..."

I limped back down the stairs. I think my legs were starting to resist a change in elevation now that I had tripped up and down the stairs.

"Okay, Pinkie. Let's--"

"What was goin' on with you two when I left?" Pinkie asked.

"Uh..." I trailed off. "Nothing! Did you finish the pizzas? Properly?"

Pinkie rubbed her chin. "I think so. You wanna see?"

I nodded. Pinkie grabbed a potholder and opened up the oven, showing me the sizzling pizzas inside.

"Mm! Smells great! Thank goodness, I thought this dinner was never gonna happen. Okay, I need you on dessert," I told Pinkie. Things were definitely looking up.

"I can do that!" Pinkie said excitedly.

"Great."

"How does... apple pie sound?" she asked, a grin spreading rapidly across her pink face.

"Awesome! Get to it!"

Pinkie Pie became a whirlwind. She had helped Applejack make apple pie a thousand times, she had cooked, sold, and sliced it even more often at Sugar Cube Corner.

With that out of the way, I got to work on the salad.

Salad was easy. Just rip up some leaves and throw a bunch of stuff on top. No muss, fuss.

Also, no dressing.

"Pinkie?"

"Yeah, Twi?" Pinkie was in her happy place, completely cut off from me, as she carved shapes into the top crust.

"Um..." I looked down at the salad I had made.

Pinkie giggled. "What'sa matter? That looks good enough to eat!"

"It isn't. It's dry. We don't have any dressing!"

"So? It'll be fine! Do you ever really taste the dressing, anyway?"

I nodded. "Yes! Of course you do, it's where most of the flavor comes from!"

"Oh, I thought that was from the--"

"Plus, I don't want Applejack to start her meal by CHOKING TO DEATH ON A SALAD WITHOUT DRESSING!" I screamed.

"Whoa..." Pinkie chuckled nervously. "Don't take this the wrong way, but... maybe you shouldn't have any sugar tonight..."

"Pinkie! This salad needs dressing! We have to make dressing!"

Pinkie looked scared, almost. "That's probably not safe for us. We almost killed each other making a pizza."

"We have to risk it," I said, though not as deadly serious as Pinkie. "So... what do we need, olive oil and spices?"

Pinkie shrugged. "I guess."

I nodded. "Alright. I'll handle this."

I went digging around in the cabinets, searching for a bottle of olive oil. I finally landed on one, putting it on the counter beside the salad. I then dug out some seasoning, getting lucky a second time and finding one that read Bitalian. I basically just shook it into the oil, then poured it all over the salad.

"Okay. That's done. Hows the pie looking?"

Pinkie already had the oven open to take out the pizzas. "Great! But it needs some more time... can you wait?"

"Er..." I looked at the clock. It had been nearly four hours since we started. "Isn't there some way you can speed it up?"

"Yeah! The pie cooks for an hour at three hundred and fifty degrees... so it should be done in ten minutes at twenty-one hundred degrees!" Pinkie reasoned, reaching for the dial.

"No! That's okay, I can wait. Just... set the timer and stuff, I'll be down in an hour."

Pinkie shrugged. "Okay!"

"Great."

I just barely managed to haul myself up the stairs another time. I threw myself onto the couch beside Applejack, not saying anything but "One more hour."

Applejack hesitated. "Twilight?"

"Mm-hm..."

"Look, Twi..." Applejack's hoof inched over to hole mine. "I get that you wanna impress me, but... I think it might be more fun for the both of us if you just let me help ya."

"No!" I shouted. "No, no. It's all done, it's just... cooling off. Give it another few minutes, then we can eat."

"Well, Twi, if--"

"You know what? We can eat right now! Yeah, the first two courses are ready, we can eat right now!"

"Uh--"

I hooked my foreleg around AJ's. "Come on!"

I pulled her down the stairs, not even bothering to pause and stop the movie she watching. I led her over to the table, sat her down, and presented her with a napkin. "One moment. I'll be right out with the first course."

"How many courses are there?" Applejack asked herself under her breath.

I just trotted into the kitchen, grabbed the salad, and trotted out. I think Pinkie tried to say something, but nothing came out.

"Here's a salad!" I exclaimed. I think I felt my eye twitch.

"Sugar cube, you're headed into crazy territory," Applejack told me.

I sighed. "Let's just eat, okay?"

Applejack nodded. "Alright. This looks real good!"

I tossed the salad in its glass bowl, then gave Applejack a small portion.

She smiled, lifting a fork with some difficulty and stabbing a slice of tomato. As she took a bite, a few expressions flickered past her face. First 'this is great!' Then, 'what the hay is that?' Then, it was back on the plate. "Uh..."

"What's wrong?"

Applejack chuckled. "Twi, how old are these tomatoes?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, but they smelled fine."

She chuckled some more. "Your tomatoes sprouted!" She used her fork to turn the piece she had spit out towards me. Sure enough, little green sprouts were twirling their way out of the seeds.

"I didn't-- I didn't even know that was possible!"

"I know. It's fine. Kinda funny, really." She laughed again. "Also... how much dressin' did you put on this thing?"

I shrugged. "A lot?"

"It's, uh... slippery. Taste some." She packed the fork with more leaves and an olive, then passed it to me.

I out the forkful in mouth and immediately spit it back out on my plate. "Ew!"

Applejack laughed heartily. "Yeah, not so great. But don't you worry about it, you've learned for the future."

I sighed, putting my forehead on the edge of the table. "Should I bring out the second course?" I asked the floor.

"Sure thing. I'm sure it'll be delicious."

"Yeah, I wouldn't be too sure..." I muttered as I slumped into the kitchen.

"Hey, Twi! How's it going?"

"It's going bad. The salad was... disgusting."

Pinkie's face fell. "Oh... well, then, you probably won't be too happy when you see this..." She pulled our two pizzas out.

"Oh my--" I stared at them.

"Yeah, I think I added too much yeast..." Pinkie murmured.

The pizzas' dough, where it had remained intact, was more than an inch high.

"The rest is stuck to the top of the oven..." Pinkie told me. She bit her lip worriedly. "But they should taste fine! They're just... not the easiest thing in the world to eat..."

I shook my head. "It's fine! It looks like a nuclear bomb went off, but it's fine!" I took the two pans from Pinkie, rushing them out to the table.

Applejack's stomach growled loud enough for me to hear.

"So, er... slight malfunction... the dough exploded." I set the food down on the table in front of Applejack.

She did a double take. "They look... uh... what were they supposed to be?"

I sighed. "Pizza, actually."

Applejack opened her mouth to say something, but decided it would be better to simply nod.

"Yeah..."

"Well, it smells great. I'm willin' to give it a shot." Applejack grabbed her fork again, diving into the disaster before her. Once she managed to separate a piece, she shoveled it quickly into her mouth.

She chewed thoughtfully for a few seconds, then seemed to meet something unsatisfactory. "Yeah, uh... how much yeast did you use?"

"I don't... know?"

She coughed. "Yeah... yeah, it's makin' it taste sour and feel all gritty."

"Oh, boy..." I put a hoof to my head. "So... another failure, then?"

Applejack choked down her bite. "Sorry, sugar cube."

I moaned loudly, rocking the stool backwards. "That's fine. I'll just get dessert, and you can fill up on that."

Applejack nodded. "That sounds pretty good!"

"Great..." I muttered. I stomped back into the kitchen, looking for the pie. "Pinkie, where's the pie?"

Pinkie turned to look at me, chuckling guiltily. "Heh heh... about that--"

"Pinkie..." I threatened.

"Well, I wanted to get it cooked faster, but... it turns out that cooking doesn't work like that..." Pinkie presented me with the pie.

I sighed. "Just give it to me. Come on."

"What?"

"Come out with me."

"Um--"

"Let's go." I grabbed Pinkie by the shoulder and walked her out.

"Grand finale, AJ!" I told her.

"Uh--"

"The apple pie... is..." I dropped it on the table. "Burnt."

Applejack frowned. "What--"

"Pinkie has been here the entire time. She helped me through the whole meal, and, somehow, it still turned out to be a total bust." I patted her on the shoulder. "Pinkie, AJ and I are dating. This is a date."

Pinkie laughed. "I know that!"

"You do?"

"Yeah! You think I didn't she Applejack kiss you on the cheek in the alley?" She whistled. "Wow, you must think I'm really distract-- hey, what's that out there?" Pinkie trotted off to the window.

I sighed. "Applejack, I'm really sorry. You spent, like, five hours waiting for a delicious dinner and I gave you the equivalent of a pile of mush."

"Hey!" Applejack cupped my face in her hoof. "You gotta stop thinkin' so low of yourself! First off, the reason I like you is because you'll try anything, even when there's probably next to no chance of it turning out well."

I giggled.

"Second, I think it's kinda cute that you managed to mess everything up. Most ponies can't wreak that level of havoc." She grinned coyly.

I laughed a bit more. "Yeah, it was pretty much a battlefield in there."

Applejack laughed along. "I guarantee it wasn't as bad as when Spike hit the Sweet Apple Acres kitchen. The mess that little thing can make..."

I giggled.

"You've got the prettiest laugh in the world, you know that?"

"Aw, I--"

"No, you do. And even though you almost set the house on fire, even though you messed up every little thing and couldn't even remember to bring out something to drink--"

"Oh! I knew I was forgetting something!" I interrupted.

Applejack chuckled. "Even with all of that, I'll still spend time with you just to hear that rare little laugh of yours."

"Stop it, you're making me blush!"

"Hey!" Pinkie rejoined the conversation. "You guys are super cute together!"

We both laughed.

"Ooh! Ooh! we need to get everypony else over! We need to tell the girls! Oh my gosh, Rarity will be so excited! And-- and-- and we can throw a party!" She was starting to get over-stimulated, bouncing around the room like crazy.

"Alright. But... how about we wait until tomorrow?" Applejack suggested in a calm voice.

"Aw. Why?"

"Because. I'm starvin', and so is Twi, and there's a Hay Burger just around the corner." She gave my cheek a nuzzle

I laughed. "Ooh, romantic. Greasy food."

Pinkie started squealing, but it grew in frequency and length so much that it almost didn't seem real.

Applejack tried to interrupt her. "Uh--"

"YOU GUYS ARE SO GOSH-DARN CUTE I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT!" she screamed.

"Yeah, we know," Applejack commented.

I giggled.

Applejack paused to look at me. "Never stop doin' that, okay?"

I kept giggling. "Okay."