"Barb"

by TheMortalSlab

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Snips, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Snails, Sex
Length: 2059

Spike has no choice but to dress in drag for Hearts and Hooves Day. Thankfully, the persona he creates takes the edge off... for HIM, at least.

It was all according to plan: sweep the fair Rarity off her hooves and have a Hearts and Hooves Day they'd never forget...

but everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked she reveals she already has plans!

The day gets worse for the young drake, as he loses a bet that will surely shame him for life... or will it? Join Spike, as his drag persona, "Barb", terrorizes Ponyville with her bad attitude and crude behavior in order to turn said bet on its fragile noggin!

T for language and sexy, sexy dragons. Well, just the one dragon, really... but he's still pretty sexy.

Published 2014-07-31 20:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-31 20:40:04 UTC

Prologue: A Tale of Two Pretties

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>
“Barb”
Prologue: A Tale of Two Pretties
<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

“H-hey, Rarity?” Spike asked, placing the last bit of fabric in its appropriate drawer. His plan to finally ask out his dream mare to a Hearts and Hooves Day extravaganza was nearing completion—all he had to do now was dragon up and drop the question.

“Yes? What is it, dear?” Rarity responded, putting the last ponnequin in the closet.

“Well, uh…" he twiddled his thumbs as he mustered the courage to continue. "H-Hearts and Hooves day is comi-”

*SLAM*

“YO~ BABE! You done playin’ with dolls yet? Huehuehue!” yelled an obnoxious brown pegasus from the boutique’s entrance.

“Oh, you! Yes, I do believe this week’s orders are finished!” the white unicorn responded, waving her hoof dismissively. Spike looked on with a flabbergasted stare.

The pegasus flew over to the pair and asked “Who’s the scrub?” poking the dragon’s head.

“Oh! I do believe introductions are in order. Chris, this is my good friend, Spike. Spike, this is my,” she quickly cleared her throat “very good friend, Chris.”

“‘Sup, scrote?” Chris asked, extending his hoof. Spike’s expression hadn’t changed throughout their conversing. He wearily brought his fist to the stallion’s hoof.

“So have you decided on where to have dinner for Hearts and Hooves Day?” Rarity asked Chris excitedly.

“Yah, check it babe: Pony Joe’s. Totes got the DL on the HHD special—some sort of, like, pancake-wrap-thingy or some Prench crap.”

She smirked and rolled her eyes. “I do believe you’re thinking of ‘crêpes,’ dear.” She turned to Spike. “Chris’ father runs a clothing store in Fillydelphia, and sent Chris to pick up his order a few weeks ago. Needless to say, he swept me off my hooves!”

“Yeah, she totes wanted the D.” he whispered to Spike, nudging him lightly.

“Chris! I do NOT need you corrupting little Spikey-Wikey with your adult language!” said Rarity, showing concern for her friend’s innocence and patting his head-fins.

‘Why the hell does everyone still treat me like a baby? I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.’ Spike thought to himself.

“Sorry babe, just part of the awesomeness that is The Chris-enator!” Chris exclaimed.

“Apparently so… So Spike, you were just about to tell me something?” Rarity asked. With a deadpanned stare, he shook his head and trudged slowly out the door. “Erm, Spike?” He gently closed the door behind him. “Hm, I wonder what got into him?” she thought out-loud.

“Dunno, but I know what’s getting into you.” They both shared a hearty laugh.

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

“‘Chris’? ‘CHRIS’? The hell OC bullshit is that? I knew she had a bad taste in stallions, but I didn’t realize it was the WORST IN EQUESTRIA!” he said to himself, throwing his arms up in a defeated manner. “Mares are just… the worst.” He grumbled, as he moped his way to the local park.

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

“Mares are just… the worst.” A duo of male unicorns said in unison. After having been rejected by their hopeful Hearts and Hooves Day dates, they trudged their way to the park. They soon came across their purple reptilian chum sulking on the hillside.

“Hey Spike.” Snips lazily greeted the dragon.

“Hey guys.” He responded with the same lack of interest. “What’s with you?”

“Just got rejected.” Snails answered. “You?”

“Same.” Spike sighed heavily. “I’m sure you can guess my target. Who left you out to dry?”

“Diamond Tiara.” Answered Snips.

“Silver Spoon.” Snails replied.

“No wonder you got rejected—who in Equestria would go for someone so stuck-up and ignorant tha-” he paused momentarily. “Dammit, Future-Spike, where the hell were you twenty minutes ago?!” he yelled to the sky. Snips and Snails looked at each other with a raised brow. They chose to join their friend, gracing the emerald mound with their unsightly posteriors.

They began to do some humorous bits of pony-watching, making fun of the cartoonish happenings surrounding their lives. After a half-hour of sulking, they noticed the unponied playground. “Hey guys,” Snips began “why spend the day being sad sacks when we can have some fun?”

Spike sighed. “Whatever.”

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

“Hehe, check me out!” Snails said, as he attempted to do a chin-up on the monkey bars, only to fall flat on his plot.

Spike snickered as he sat on the ladder to the slide. “Goofball.” He continued twiddling with his phone.

“Whoa, that’s a cool phone! Where’d you get it?” Snips asked, ogling the claw-held device.

“This? The Pear store, a few weeks back. Went on a gem diet to try and impress Rarity, so I figured I’d sell ‘em for somethin’ so I wouldn’t be tempted.”

“The Pear store? So it’s the new jPhone?”

“Eeyup. It’s pretty neat, I guess. 4P’s pretty boss, lets me interwebs anywhere I want.”

“It’s like a series of magic tubes!” Snails said, popping his head between the two. They watched him dick around with his phone for a few more minutes until Snips noticed something.

“Hey guys, check it out!” he pointed to the nearby stakes. “Horseshoes! Let’s play!”

“Bo~ring.” Spike stated. “What is this, a family reunion?”

“Oh yeah? Well how about we make it interesting?” Snips asked, nudging Spike with a raised brow.

“I don’t like where this is going,” he began, scooching away as he continued, “I’ve seen plenty of porn with the same premise.”

“Not that! I mean like the loser has to do something embarrassing!”

“Oh, well…” Spike tapped his chin. “Sure, why not? What’d you have in mind?”

“Uhh…” the unicorns responded.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Fine, we’ll come up with a punishment afterwards. So… who’s gonna be my victim?” he asked, flashing them a toothy grin.

Snips sensed the confidence in his friend’s voice, and shoved his companion forward while darting his eyes back and forth.

“Duh,” Snails responded to the shove “I’ll go!”

“Ooh, this’ll be fun!” Spike said, rubbing his claws together.

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

“…And that’s game, 21 to 6!” Snips exclaimed. Spike dropped to his knees in shock.

“Wh-… bu-… how in Equestria did you destroy me? I have fingers!”

“Are you NUTS?!” Snails responded, “I’m a HORSE!”

“…Good point.” He sighed in defeat. “Welp, I’m boned. Oh well, heh heh, good luck trying to come up with something embarrassing.” He regained his cocky composure, remembering that—on a good day—they had half a brain between them.

The unicorns congregated for several minutes before a flickering light bulb formed above Snips’ head. He whispered his devilish plan to his cohort, and both grinned, facing their scaly companion. They made their way back to the drake. “We’ve come to an agreement.” Snips announced.

Spike folded his arms. “Oh yeah? What’s your poison?”

“Well, seeing as how none of us have dates for Hearts and Hooves Day…” he looked to Snails for reassurance “that makes us all available.”

Spike raised his brow. “Duh. Your point?”

“Well, I’ve decided to play matchmaker and set Snails up with a date!” Snips answered proudly.

“…Ok, and…?”

“And, since no mare wants to date him…”

“Hey!”

“We figured maybe a nice dragoness would accompany him for the day.”

“…Ok, but where do you plan on findi-…” he noticed their grins grow wider. “Oh, no. No. No! NonononononononoNO! NOOOO! Absolutely not! No way! Nuh-uh! Nope! Not happening! No chance in hell!” He shook his head and arms back and forth for emphasis.

“You lost fair and square, Spike… or should I say… ‘Barb’.” Snips responded.

“‘Barb’? Seriously? Could you have picked a worse name?” he queried before shaking his head. “Doesn’t matter, not happening.”

“But Ba~rb, don’t you have, like, the Dragon Code, or something?” Snails asked teasingly.

“…Faustdammit, I hate you both so much.” Spike mumbled while faceclawing. “You’re serious? You seriously want me to dress in drag for Hearts and Hooves Day and take Snails on a date?”

“Oh? Is that not embarrassing enough for you? I could always add stimulations.” Snips responded.

“…I sincerely hope you mean ‘stipulations’. No, I’d say you’ve done a fine enough job creating a fresh hell for me on this most affectionate of holidays.” He said sarcastically, adding another defeated sigh. “Time and place?”

Snips tapped his chin. “Hmm, how about… 9am, Sugarcube Corner?”

“Seriously? You’re making a day of it? And in front of my good friend’s store, no less?”

“‘Good friend’? Barb’s new in town, the only friend she has is her coltfriend Snails.” Snips responded, swinging a hoof around Snails’ neck. Snails laughed dopily, blushing.

“…I hate you both so much… ok then, Sugarcube Corner at 9. Anything in particular you want me to wear?” he asked, wincing.

“Just your best lipstick!” Snips said cheerfully.

Spike blushed and stormed off, leaving the two unicorns to laugh hysterically. “Oh man, can you imagine how goofy he’s gonna look in lipstick?!” Snips asked, holding his stomach.

“Hehe, yeah! Maybe he’ll wear one of Twilight’s dresses, too!” They laughed even harder.

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

“Colts are just… the worst.” Spike mumbled to himself, trudging back to the castle. He still couldn’t believe that not only was he not spending Hearts and Hooves day with his alabaster goddess, but he’s spending the day with a male friend… while in drag. “Why must all my friends be so cruel?” he asked out loud as he passed a strip mall. One store that caught his eye in particular was the pawn shop with several TVs in the window.

“Huh, I’ve always told Twi we could use one of these.” He looked at what was playing: one of those ‘spoiled teen bitches and bitches till she gets what she wants while treating everypony like garbage’ shows. He always hated those shows—they seemed to have a knack for airing whenever he walked by. His look grimaced further as he continued watching. “These mares are what’s wrong with Equestria.” He stated. “I swear, if I had the chance…” he noticed his reflection in the glass. An evil light bulb shone above his head. “That’s IT!” He laughed evilly and rushed into the pawn shop.

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

With a jingle, Spike emerged from the pawn shop. “And you’re sure these are disease-free, Spur?”

“I’d hope so. The hookers couldn’t have been more than 15.”

“…That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“From what Saddle told me, they seemed pretty inexperienced.”

“…I’m just gonna drop the subject, maybe wash ‘em like, 5 or 6 more times.”

“Alright, good luck, buddy.” Spur said, waving.

“Won’t be needing it.” Spike responded confidently. He rushed back to the castle as fast as his stubby legs could carry him.

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>

“Twi, I’m home! What do you want for dinner?” Spike announced as he came through the door.

“Spike!” Twilight rushed over to her assistant, hugging him tightly. “I was so worried! Rarity told me you left the Boutique hours ago! Where were you?”

“Oh you know, hither and thither.” He walked past her, heading to the laundry room.

The alicorn raised a brow. “She told me you seemed really upset about something.” It was then she noticed the rather large bag he was toting. “What’s in the bag?”

“Oh, just my duds for Hearts and Hooves Day.” He answered dismissively.

“Ah, so you managed to get a date after all!” She said with a teasing tone. “Who’s the lucky lady?”

He poked his head out of the laundry room with a blank grin. “Me, apparently.”

Her smile remained, but her eyes narrowed. “Uhh, what?”

“Never mind.” He rushed to the kitchen momentarily, then back to throwing his “new” clothes in the wash. He emerged several minutes later with salad tongs.

“…Why did you need the salad tongs to do laundry?”

“Oh, no reason.” He responded, pressing the pedal on the nearby trash can and tossing them in. He noticed her brow raised and mouth agape, and chose to change the subject. “So, dinner; whatcha want?”

“…Uh, I guess some hayburgers.”

“A’ight, I’ll get right on it. Feel free to go back to… whatever you were doing.”

“…O…k.” She slowly made her way back to the study area. ‘I wonder what’s got him so… peculiar.’

In the kitchen, the young drake whistled a funeral march with a shit-eating grin. ‘Just you wait, Ponyville,’ he thought to himself. ‘‘Barb’ is gonna rock your world.’

To Be Continued…

Author's Note

┬─┬ノ( º _ ºノ)........(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

You see that? Yeah, that just happened.