You can't handle the parody
Sweet ass introduction, that's what this is. Fucking action, explosions everywhere. You're hooked now, you will continue to read further. Time to introduce the ponies.
The tense and perspective is going to change very often, so GET USED TO IT. I'm talking directly to the reader, that's a hug no-no in writing, but I'm doing it anyway. Because I'm a badass. Buckle your seat belt and pull your pants up, because by the end of this you won't have any pants. Shits about to get crazy. Watch out, I cuss like a snake if "ssss" was a swear.
Fucking Twilight Sparkle up in here reading some nasty ass book doing some intelligent shit. Rarity is doing something related to fashion and shit, and she speaks like she's from Britain, even though she isn't. When she speaks, she speaks eloquently, even though Twilight is the only one that can speak like that at times. Rarity refers to Rarity in the third-person, because Rarity is the most badass fashion pony that ever walked across this gigantic candy colored land. Applejack's doing something crazy at the farm. Probably making out with Fluttershy. And Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash is being shipped with everypony. Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, Colgate, Derpy, Spike, Tom the rock, a fucking toaster, herself. You name it, she's being shipped with it.
The ponies gather at some meeting point, shit starts to get real. Twilight is all, "Fuck yo shit Applejack, read a book." Then she takes a book from the shelf, reads it, downs an entire keg of kool-aid, and slaps Applejack.
Then Applejack is all like, "Twilight I'ma buck yo head like I buck Apple...Bloom." Filly abuse isn't funny bitches, even I know that.
"Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned filly abuse is a real issue, and fucking muffins."
The internet exists in Ponyville now, and they have Hoofbook. Twilight and her friends search on hoofbook to see what everypony is up to. Somepony posted a picture of a filly that was injured and abused. On Hoofbook, there's a button called the "like button", and you press it to like something. On top of the picture it says, "Like if you are against filly abuse." Twilight pondered that for a moment. What kind of sick fuck is supporting filly abuse, and would openly claim it on Hoofbook? What kind of pony would stand on the streets and preach in support of filly abuse? Nopony. Twilight didn't understand what liking the picture had to do with her stance on filly abuse, anyway.
In fact, when the words on top of the picture were taken away, all that is left is a picture of an abused filly, and it's been liked over 100,000 times. Seriously what the hell, thought Twilight.
Then robots came to the city. Because robots.
"Twilight! I thought you were dead!"
"Think again. Bitches." Then Twilight destroyed all the robots. With her stomach.
Zombies started to come out of the ground. Rarity thought that was pretty gross so she kicked one in the face. The zombie died but his buddies attacked Rarity. Rarity started whining and they all died. It was gnarly.
Massive rocks fell from the sky. They destroyed everything. Luckily it was opposite day.
Then one random zebra came to Ponyville. He hated ponies for no reason other than they weren't zebras. Even though the ponies didn't do anything to hurt him, or instigate him, he spent every day raging against the ponies. He spent about 90% of his day using his own time and energy to hate on the ponies. Twilight thought that was ironic, spending most of your day involving yourself with something you hate. So she kicked the zebra in the face and sat on him. The zebra died, but there were millions of other zebras. Applejack shot a laser out of her mouth to kill all the zebras, but it was futile. Applejack realized that force wasn't going to work on the zebras, so they just ignored them. Realizing that the ponies weren't reacting, the zebras got bored and left. And that's how Equestria was made. Bitches.
Unluckily for the ponies, it was Friday the nineteenth. And everypony knew that today meant bad luck. Why? Because thousands of years ago a bunch of gypsies got together and decided doing the most random of shit is unlucky, and thousands of years later the ponies still embrace that.
A new pony shows up, it's cute and adorable. The ponies raise it as their own in Twilight's library. Then the pony leaves. Everyone is all emotional and shit, it gets fucking sad, because the pony they felt loosely attached to left.
Nopony knows who Lyra is, because nopony can remember her. Out in the town, Lyra was running around, punching ponies in the face. Then she'd run away as they chased her, but then forgot who she was. She giggled with delight as she stole everything out of a store, and nopony could remember who stole it. She wrote hate mail to Celestia, but all she saw was a blank paper. Lyra was the ultimate troll.
"Rainbow Dash stop humping the toaster." Toasters don't exist, but Rainbow Dash is getting shipped with them anyway.
You thought Pinkie Pie is all giggly and bubbly? Think again, on the inside she is a demented and twisted fuck. We can just assume that because all ponies with happy exteriors are evil on the inside. She does crazy shit, like cook muffins. Without flour. FUCKING INSANITY.
Rarity and Spike must be shipped, but everything's gotta be sad. Spike learns the truth, he becomes a monster. Rarity is a lady, she can't be seen with such a monster, but they have undying love for each other. Excluding the fact that they are completely different species, and that Spike is a baby, they gunna get it on. Too bad that's never going to happen, large Doritos fall from the sky and crush Spike. Rarity cries a shitload, but gets over it because she sees a diamond.
What happened to the pets? It's okay those guys aren't ever going to show up again, they all got shipped with Rainbow Dash and died. From sex. Too much of it. Because they had sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex everywhere.
You just read a clop fic, congratulations. Back to the ponies.
The ponies decide it would be a great day to go outside. They do this to smell the leaves and the trees and the flowers and the sky and the sky and the sky and the sky and the FUCKING SKY.
Unnecessary description? No problem I'll just use synonyms. The crimson sky lowered through the gray fluffs of condensed water suspended in the atmosphere. The streaks of orange and yellow combined in the air, spreading throughout the sky, emanating from the horizon. Peace, harmony, the sun nestles down into it's resting place, pulling the moon up as if by some invisible string. Wispy clouds floated gently through the air, gentle winds pushing them north.
The ponies were outside now, and it was time to get funky. Pinke Pie turned on some music, but Vinyl Scratch said, "Fuck bitches, acquire bits," and then stabbed Pinkie Pie thirty-seven times. Pinkie didn't die. Pinkie can't die. Pinkie won't die. Pinkie is invincible. Be afraid.
Scratch played some sweet ass music, and everypony was all dancing and shit.
"Yo Applejack come dance," said Rainbow Dash, but really what she meant to say was "Let's get it on, I'm a lesbian because of my voice and tomboyish personality." In reality, neither of those things have anything to contribute to homosexuality, and assuming Rainbow is a lesbian is just dumb. But Rainbow Dash gets shipped with everything so it doesn't matter.
Applejack came to dance, and she was good. So good in fact, that the god of dancing descended from the sky and challenged her to a dance-off. They danced for twelve days straight. Applejack died of starvation, the god died because dancing. Then all the ponies decided to bury Applejack's body, but Applejack wasn't really dead. She just faked it because muffins.
The ponies all went to Twilight's library and played monopoly. Seventeen hours later, the game was two sixteenths of the way done. Twilight had four hotels, but Rainbow Dash was gaining.
"Fuck dis shit." Pinkie Pie ate the game. She was losing.
Now it's Sunday. The ponies decide to go on an adventure. They go on an adventure for a really long-ass time, and it takes forever. When they reach the end of the adventure, they defeat a really bad guy and win. Then they go home. Now whenever they watch an action movie they experience deja vu.
"Let's climb a mountain," said Twilight. The ponies didn't agree but they did it anyway. When they got to the top of the mountain there were aliens there so they destroyed them all with gigantic blocks. Waffles. Waffles everywhere. Because waffles.
Two days later Pinkie Pie was pooping monopoly shit all over the place. It was nasty so nopony went near her for a couple days. She went crazy and got a pile of rocks for friends. I cried a lot because that pile of rocks was my only friend and Pinkie stole it from me, but after two days I got him back. It's all good.
The ponies all decided to eat lunch. The lunch was delicious. It costed five bits. They all enjoyed the good time and went home with a smile. Then for the rest of the day, they all did they're normal activities.
The next day they did the same exact thing. But this time it costed six bits. Applejack was outraged so she ate the waiter. He was delicious. Tasted like pony.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders actually go crusading, but fail. Then Scootaloo thinks that the sky is falling but Sweetie Belle tells her that it's just her imagination. Turns out the sky was actually falling. Applebloom came over to her friends as the sky fell down and said, "I love apples." Then the sky went back up and stopped falling. Shit was crazy.
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"Alright, what should we do today?" Twilight looked at her companions. Each one returned the stare, there wasn't much to do today. They had done basically all there was to do around Ponyville. Except...
The ponies giggled as they trotted through the town. Soon enough they reached their destination.
They all walked inside. With a smile to each other they nodded, and then stared at the store manager.
Then they just destroyed everything.
The End.
Just kidding the story isn't finished yet. The ponies got together for their nightly game of scrabble. Twilight was the best at the game because she knew a lot of words. Applejack wasn't good at the game because all she could spell was apple. Pinkie Pie is illiterate and Rainbow Dash can't spell. Fluttershy didn't come to scrabble nights because she knew that after the game of scrabble they'd all go up to Twilight's bedroom and
do things that aren't sexual.
The next day Twilight wrote a letter to Princess Celestia. It said:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that aldksjglkdhasldkf I love Rainbow Dash. I want to worship her. If I could touch her I'd orgasm twelve times and then I'd give her my undying affection and love. Then I'd be her personal slave. You should make her a wonderbolt. Kthanksbye.
Rainbow Dash had come into the library, knocked Twilight out cold, and wrote the end of the letter. Then she had spike send it while Twilight was lying limp in the closet.
Princess Celestia got the letter and laughed.
"Haha I hate Rainbow Dash." Then she shot an arrow at a bulls-eye with Rainbow Dashes face on it. Two minutes later she was worshiping Rainbow Dash because she's fucking boss.
The next day it rained.
Twilight said, "I hate rain."
The end.
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A/N: LOL AM I FUNNY PLEEZ GIV FEEDBACK BUT NO BAD ONES PLZZZZ TANKX BIE
