“Is it on, Blueberry?” Carrot Cake asked his wife. She was sitting just outside of their new camera's field of vision as they gave it a trial run.
“Yes dear,” Cup Cake said as she adjusted the camera before pressing record. “Ok its recording!” squealed Cup Cake as she went to her husbands side.
“Um. hello my name is Carrot” said Carrot into their camera.
“And my name is Cup Cake," said Cup Cake. “We are the owners of the Sugarcube Corner, a pastry shop in the town of Ponyville.”
“We are the parents of two foals also we are the parent figures of the Element of Laughter.” chuckled a nervous Carrot.
“Sweetie, why are you telling them that?” asked a puzzled Cup Cake. “I mean, yeah I love Pinkie like a daughter, but what does that have to do with this?”
“I uh, thought them knowing we are close with a national hero would make them more inclined to visit us," whispered Carrot to his wife.
“Dear, I don’t think they care who we know," whispered back Cup Cake.
“Well any who, you see are business does well,” said Carrot pushing the conversation back on track.
“But, um, do to the past years, um, events," said Cup Cake. “Our profits are not meeting the banks deadline for the loans we took out to fix our property and we don't want to bother Princess Twilight with our financial concerns.”
“Apparently our insurance doesn’t cover ursa minors, puberty dragons, parasprites, discordian magic, and other weird things," said Carrot. “Oddly though, we have mailpony insurance so Derpy is okay,"
“And even if we didn’t she does make up the majority of our muffin sales," said Cup Cake to her husband.
“Yeah," said Carrot before looking back at the camera. “But the point is we need your help to bring in business,"
“So please,” said the couple in unison, “We need your help Business Card."
{Cue theme}
Hello my name is Business Card. I graduated from one of the top Vanhoover universities of business with really good grades. Now I help small business compete in the ruthless game of business. This is Business Card for you.
Pastries, Equestria’s trademark desert. Cupcakes, cakes, donuts, and of course muffins. These sweet treats are what the small town of Ponyville’s local dessert shop Sugarcube Corner sell. But recently due to events causing property damage to the store that the producers informed me of they are not getting enough to meet their mortgages and are under threat of closing down. So I decided to help these struggling entrepreneurs bring in more customers by hopping on the next train heading there. After getting off the train I headed to the store. I was greeted to the sight of a mouthwatering pastry shop that had everything save for customers with a cashier behind the counter sleeping. I recognized the cashier as Carrot Cake from the entry video. I headed over to greet the stallion.
“Hello Mr. Cake” I said to the sleeping Carrot.
“Huh? what the-oh!” said Mr. Cake tumbling over from being awoken from his sleep. “Mister Card! I didn't know you were coming today, its a pleasure to meet you” Said Carrot while holding his hoof out for a hoof shake.
“Yes, a pleasure to meet you too," I said taking his hoof and shaking it. “If you're wondering why that shake was weak its due to me wanting you to not see me as a threat," I told him.
“Oh, thats nice?” he said clearly impressed by my strategy.
“Honey, everything alright? I heard a fall," said a voice from the kitchen.
“In here pumpkin bread” replied Carrot loudly.
A light blue mare with a raspberry mane appeared whom I recognized as Cup Cake.
“Whats go-oh!” gasped a surprised Cup Cake. “Umm, honey what's with the camera crew?” She then saw me. “Oh oh, emm, Mister Card,” She stammered as she held out her hand for me to shake. I did.
“Hey, sweetie if you're wondering why his hoof shake is weak it's because of him wanting to look non threatening," said Mr. Cake with a proud look.
Cup Cake looked at him with a confused expression.
“What does that have to do with anything dear?” asked Cup Cake confused. “He shook my hoof rather normally,".
“Huh? Why did you shake her hoof normally, but mine weak?” asked Carrot at me with a bewildered look.
“Oh, well you looked like you were going to throw up and fall like a frightened filly," I replied truthfully to get him to trust me.
“Wait what?” asked Carrot with an offended look.
“No time to explain. Anyway I was thinking we should get down to business, is there a place I can sit?” I said not wanting to get involved with Carrots mid life crisis.
“Of course over here please” said Cup Cake showing me to a table by the windows.
“Wait I’m still confused who's a filly!?” yelled a confused Carrot.
After settling her husband down and the two of them getting me some food I started talking brass tacks to them.
“So I hear your business is not getting enough customers to meet your mortgages," I told them.
“Yes, thats right," said Carrot. “So do you know how we can get more customers?”
“Dear give Mister Card some time to settle in, he just got here” said Cup Cake to her husband. It was clear that she was into me, but I was not here to make kissy faces with a married woman, I was here to help a business.
“Actually I already made the idea on the train ride here.” I told them with sound confidence.
“Oh, well, what is it?” asked Cup Cake with a for sure flirty look.
“As its well known the media responds to controversy correct?” I asked them.
“They do?” asked Carrot with a puzzled look.
“Well of course dear remember the reinstating of Princess Luna, the Discord reform, the elements of harmony, Twilight becoming an alicorn, and of course the use of poison joke in movies, right Mister Card?” asked Cup Cake.
While it was clear she was trying to seduce me I decided to answer her question. “Yes thats true” I said with a nod.
“So what kind of controversy are you talking about?” questioned Carrot.
“Simple a new flavor for your pastries," I replied.
“Well what is the flavor dearie?” asked Cup Cake hanging on the edge of her seat.
“Simple” I said.
They leaned forward has I spoke.
“The” I said.
“Yes?” they asked eagerly.
“New” I said.
“Yes?” they asked again their faces squeezing together.
“Flavor” I said.
“Yes?” they asked again they asked right near my face.
“Is” I said.
“YES!?” they yelled into my face.
.............
“Salmon” I replied.
”...............” say Carrot and Cup Cake.
”Blue horse say what?” asks Carrot.
”What?” asks Cup Cake.
”No sweetie I meant Business” replied Carrot quickly.
”Oh my mistake”Cup Cake says obviously blushing because of me.
”Its okay dear as I was saying what did you say?” said Carrot with a curious look on his face.
”A salmon flavored pastry like a muffin” I tell them.
Silence.
”It would be artificial of course” I say taking a bite out of a banana nut muffin.
………….
”A salmon flavored muffin!” yells Cup Cake lounging at me while Carrot tried to reign her in. She was clearly trying to make it seem she wasn’t interested in me by attacking in front of her husband.
”My business is going to go under and my family is gonna be homeless due to your stupidity, you b-” shrieked Cup Cake before being interrupted by a voice.
”Babies!” shouted an bounced in a pink mare whom I recognized as the Element of Laughter, Pinkie Pie.
”What's wrong Pinkie!” shouted Carrot.
”Are Pumpkin and Poundcake alright!” yelled a worried Cup Cake.
”Oh they’re alright just reminding you that they exist ado do doodle do” she sung as she left thru the front door.
”Well that was awkward” I said.
”And your idea for a salmon flavored muffin isn’t?!” snarled a red face Cup Cake.
”Now honey let him explain, of course I will say Mister Card it does seem a bit unorthodox.” said Carrot trying to calm his wife.
”Well thats the point” I replied to them.
”But nobody eats meat in Equestria” said Carrot.
”Which is why this place will get so popular and good publicity” I told them. ”So will you do it?”
Carrot and Cup Cake looked at each other with worried looks before nodding at me.
”Yes we’ll do it” signed Cup Cake.
{The plan}
Get customers in with the salmon flavored desserts.
I sent a letter to the Ponyville food additives a company that was made 45 years ago when people got sick of eating apple related food. The letter requested for the artificial flavoring of salmon. I went pick it up at the warehouse.
”So heres that salmon flavor of yours” said an attendant. ”By the way why salmon?”
”For muffins” I said.
”Oh” said the attendant. ”Thats, honestly I don't know how to respond to that”
We gathered a panel of three locals. Derpy Doo, Pinkie Pie, and Big Mac and asked them to try it in muffin form.
”So can I have the muffins now?” cried Derpy.
”Yeah we want muffins, right Big Mac?” said Pinkie.
”Eyup” said Big Mac with a face.
”Okay here you go” I said while handing them a muffin that was a light pink color.
”MUFFINS!” yelled a frenzied Derpy grabbing one of the muffins
Derpy quickly took a bite started chewing it while Pinkie and Big Mac took their and started eating them too.
”So what do they taste like?” I asked them.
”Hmmmm kinda like like bitter apples” said Big Mac with a grimace.
”Reminds me of the time put salt in water and drinked it” said Pinkie with a green face and groan.
”Mmmmm tasty” said Derpy with a smile. ”kinda like salmon”
”Thats the flavor” I stated.
………….
”You put fish in our food!” they yelled in unison before spitting their food out.
”No, its artificial flavoring.” I said.
They then calmed down and Derpy spoke.
”Oh, ok, thats fine then” Said Derpy resuming to eat her muffin.
”Just how do you know what salmon tastes like miss Doo?” Asked Big Mac.
”Well one of my co workers is a griffon who say they taste like the sea and a bit bitter raw.” said Derpy. ”Mmmmm chewy”
”Griffons eat fish! No wonder Gilda was so grumpy, she must have been forced to eat this as a baby bird.” said Pinkie.
"How come you're still eating that muffin when the other spit it out?” I asked Derpy.
She looked at me with a dark look.
”Never. Say. No. To. Muffins,” she replied. ”Mmmmm salty”
I then headed over to the local newspaper foal free news to meet a publicist, but it would take a ten minute trot so in the mean time watch this.
When applying for a job like lets say a spa attendant. most people would think a hard work ethic would do it along with strength but the truth is you really just want to seem confident. Now for me thats not an issue but it may be for you so thats why to show you how easy it is to be confident I am gonna show you use a eight year old colt and repeat whatever he says at a job interview thru a earpiece. This is Button Mash and he likes video games.
”Hi! My names Button Mash and I like video games and was promised one if I got into a cart full of cameras and strangers that came up to me on the street.” said Button Mash with a smile.
I headed over to Bubbly suds spa and met one of the owners, a Miss Lotus Blossom.
”Hi Miss Blossom” said Button into the microphone
”Hi Miss Blossom” I said holding a hoof out for her to shake.
”Well hello to you too” she replied taking my hoof and shaking it. ”If you're wondering why my hoof shake was medium strong its due to me wanting you to see yourself as an equal to me”.
”Huh?” said Button.
”Huh?” I repeated.
”Well I heard from Mrs.Cake that you consider hoof shake levels an understanding of business” said a puzzled Lotus. ”Anyway, how about we take a seat over here by the side window?”
”Okie dokie” said Button while taking a sip of his apple juice.
”Okie dokie” I repeated.
After getting seated Lotus asked me the first question in my interview.
”So sir do you have any past experience being a helping hand around a store?” Lotus asked.
”I once worked at a bar selling root beer very fast and vertically” said Button.
”I once worked at a bar selling root beer very fast and vertically” I repeated to her.
”Oh well ,um, thats nice?” said Lotus while writing it down. ”Next question, how would you react around customers who may be foreign to these parts?”
”Well I don’t know how would talk to them but I do know you look pretty” said Button.
”Well I don’t know how would talk to them but I do know you look pretty” I said.
”Mister Card, you flatter” said a blushing Lotus.
”well my mom always told me to compliment a beautiful mare” said button while blushing.
”Well my mom always told me to compliment a beautiful mare” I said to Lotus,
”Well your mother sounds like a nice woman” said Lotus with a smile.
”Yeah, I just wish that Sweetie would stop crusading for a moment so that I could tell her that” said Button with a sigh.
”Yeah, I just wish that Sweetie would stop crusading for a moment so that I could tell her that (sigh)” I said.
”Well-wait Sweetie Belle Miss Rarity’s young sister?” she said with a bewildered look on her face.
”Um, no I meant ,uh, Sweetie Licken yeah a new fo-I mean adult that I saw on the street” said Button quickly with a blush.
”Um no I meant Sweetie Licken yeah yeah a new fo-i mean adult that i saw on the street that works at crusadin n arms” I said.
”Sweetie Licken? I don’t believe I ever heard of her” replied Lotus with a curious look. ”Aw, but love at first sight” she said with a dreamy look.
”Um, could we continue onto the next question please, my mom doesn’t know where I am and gets worried if I don”t stop by the house every forty-five minutes” Button said.
”Um, could we continue onto the next question please, my mom doesn’t know where I am and gets worried if I don”t stop by the house every forty-five minutes” I said.
”Ok, I guess so” said Lotus with a weirded out look. ”Next question, do you have time between nine thirty am to three thirty pm on weekdays?” asked Lotus
”Sorry, I have school those days.” said Button.
”Sorry, I have school those days” I said.
”You're still in college?” asked Lotus
”Nope elementary” replied Button taking a bite out of a cookie.
”Nope elementary” I said.
”What!?” said Lotus.
”But on weekends I can help as long as my mom allows me and I get some time to play video games” Button said.
”But on weekends i can help as long as my mom allows me and I get some time to play video games” I said.
”......” said Lotus.
Oh look at the time!” said Button looking at the carts clock. ”Sorry Mister Card I got to go meet Sweetie Belle for a milkshake. I’m just gonna take the apple buckin two game with me, thanks bye!” said Button eagerly before leaving the cart.
”So is that all the questions”? I asked a silent Lotus.
”Ye-yes” Lotus replied.
”So you should know this was a mock interview with a colt giving me words on what to say over a earpiece.” I explained to her.
”Thank goodness, that makes so much more sense” said a relieved Lotus.
”So seeing what I said would you give me the job?” I asked.
Lotus thought long and hard for three seconds and finally answered.
”No” she said with a shake with her head.
”But maybe?” I asked.
”Well if you were the last available employee in Equestria then maybe yeah” she replied.
I could not believe my ears, I had scored a job with the words of an eight year old it felt great till I heard the door open followed by a loud voice.
”Wheres the bastard who foal snapped my baby!” said an angry Love Tap.
I finally arrived at the the local public of the town a Mr. Ad Markers office. I sat down at the desk of the brown coated an pen cutie mark stallion and started to talk brass tacks. I explained to him my idea and asked him what he thought.
”I think its bucking shit” said Marker with a blunt look.
”What do you mean?” I said not understanding his reasoning. ”You mean you wouldn't go to a cupcake shop advertising salmon flavored pastries?
”No I would not” he said. ”Perhaps if you advertised it as a pie eating contest?”
”I would not go to that” I said.
”Ya know what you could do is put yourself in a bucket and call yourself a chum” he said with a smirk. ”That might bring in customers”
After a few seconds of silence I replied. ”You know how you gave me your key to use your restroom?”
”Yeah?” he said.
”Well when I was going there I saw that you own a Mord vehicle” I said.
”Yes, I do” he said. ”What of it?”
”Well you know what they say about people who own Mords, right?” I asked.
”No what do they say?” He replied.
”That stallions who buy Modes are compensating for small shafts” I stated.
”.....I have never heard that and even if so I can assure its not true” he said smugly.
”How can you assure me?” I asked.
”What?” he asked.
”I mean I’ve seen a few unless I see it-” I said before being interrupted.
”Oh so you're a shaft expert are ya?” he asked.
”I didn’t say I was a shaft expert” I stated.
”Well you just said you’ve seen a shaft before” he asked.
After awhile of argueing and reaffirming my sexaulity it dawned on me that Marker was no help so I decided to instead put an ad in the Barn street journal.
I went to show the muffins and other pastries to the Cakes.
”So what do you think?” I asked hoping for a positive reaction.
”Well they are certainly ,uhh, salty” Carrot chuckled nervously before spitting it out steathley.
”I still don’t know about this” stated the seductress Cup Cake.
”Trust me, this is going to work” I replied.
”Ok, but lets give it a trial run for a day and see how it goes” Carrot said.
”Sounds good to me” replied Cup Cake crossing her hooves.
The next day we opened up the shop to a huge crowd of frantic ponies.
”Come on in everypony! And try the fishy pastries!” Yelled a giddy Pinkie Pie who then proceeded to blow on a trumpet.
I started to ask people for their opinions.
”So what did you think?” I asked people.
”Its okay, not great ,but okay” said Colgate.
”Its even better than yesterday!” said Derpy with muffins in her mouth.
”Well it certainly is orginal” said Princess Twilight Sparkle nervously.
”It tastes weird also Button says hi and his mom says stay away 500 feet whatever that means” said Sweetie Belle puzzled.
”Its 20% odd but I will take a box for the weather team” said a bored looking Rainbowdash.
”So what did you get” I asked a mare name Bonbon
”Oh I just had a chocolate slice of cake” said Bonbon.
As the day went on less people came in a few even wanted refunds.
When they closed shop at night I asked them to give it one more day and see what happens tomorrow. As I was leaving I saw the sight of Cup Cake sharpening a cake knife while looking at me she obviously was trying to flirt with me in a weird way but I quickly left. It seemed my idea had failed before it truly began.
But the next day I couldn't believe my eyes. Hundreds of griffons crowded around the shop. After maneuvering inside I was met to the sight of fast at work Carrot and Cup Cake and a few ponies from around town rushing everywhere making the fish tasting pastries.
”Card! Its great to see you can ya give us a hand?” shouted a sweaty Carrot.
”What happened here?” I was answered by the entrance of a news team entering the shop.
”Good morning Equestria, my name is Gate Coverage and I am reporting from the town of Ponyville home to the Elements of Harmony, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and now the biggest cuisine trend of the year. It seems that when the shop of Sugarcube Corner produced a new flavoring in pastries. It was met with dismal reviews that was until the element of loyalty Miss Rainbow Dash brought in these new and unique pastries.
I then saw a tv light up to the sight of a live broadcast of Rainbow Dash at her work.
”So yeah I just set the muffins down on the rec room table” said Rainbow into the camera. Next thing I know my co worker Troy over there”
I was greeted to the sight of a griffon blushing in front of a camera with crumbs on his beak.
”Breaks out in a fit of woohooos, then after I tell him where I got them all of a sudden he's calling his family who are calling their friends who are calling their friends to head over there for salmon flavored pastries”
I couldn't believe my ears my idea had become a literal overnight success.
”Mr.Carrot Cake what inspired you and your wife to come up with such an original idea?” asked Gate.
”Acutally miss it was Mr.Business Card over there who came up with the idea” said Carrot smiling while pointing his hoof at me. I was then bombarded by questions by Gate.
”So Mr.Card what gave you the idea for this?” she asked.
So I told her the truth.
”Wanted to find out what fish taste like” I said.
Everypony laughed and contributed me. For the first time in my life I felt like people actually respected me.
At the end of the day when the store had closed to everyone's disappointment I went to the train station to meet and say farewell to the Cakes.
”So did you have enough money for your mortgages?” I asked them.
”Enough and more!” shouted a joyful Carrot.
”Yes and before you go Business, I just want to say I’m sorry for treating you like that, I was just stressed and all, but now we might have enough to actually go on our second honeymoon we’ve been putting off” said Cup Cake while she and Carrot nuzzled.
”Well thats nice. You guys needed it” I said while boarding my train. ”And Cup Cake I understand, I mean with you having a crush on me and all its perfectly understandable but I’m glad you two are finally happy so goodbye guys” I said while they gave me confused looks.
”Um I’m sorry dear but I don’t have a cr-” said Cup Cake before being interrupted by the sound of the train bell.
”Sorry guys gotta go” I said closing the door.
As I sat down on the train and looked out the window and they waved goodbye at me I felt strangely sad like I hoped to one day have a special connection just like those two.
Author's Note
Dedicated to the memory of Robin Williams 1951-2014
