The time is now. The great god Gaben has walked onto the stage. There is no doubt. This is it. It’s time for episode 3. Gabe raises his index finger. Eyes widen. Then his middle finger. Jaws drop. And finally, the moment this planet has been riding on has arrived. Gabe lowers his index finger and gives the crowd the bird. And with that, he vanishes.
Our lord and savior rises to his feet. Only something’s different. His legs are shorter than normal, he’s lost some weight, and his balls hadn’t dropped yet.
“Señor Gabe, estás bien?”
Gabe heard it out of his left ear. He turned, only to see that it was his lowly assistant Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta. He cringed at exactly recalling his obscenely long name.
“Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta? Why are you in my paradise?” Gaben inquired.
“Estuve aquí con ustedes como estoy destinado a servirle hasta la muerte debido a mi trato con Satanás.” Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta answered.
“Yeah yeah, I remember.” Gaben replied.
“Dónde hemos llegado?” Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta asked.
“Equestria, where no one will demand episode 3 from me.” Gabe stated sharply. “I’ve relished to escape from the scum on that planet and I deemed this place suitable for that purpose.”
“Alguna vez volver señor Gabe?” Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta asked.
“No Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta, why the fuck would I do that?” Gabe responded. “I was forced to reveal Ricochet 2: Electric Boogaloo, I would be lynched if I returned.”
Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta sighed knowing he could not persuade Gaben to return to his homeland of Sovngard (he is a god after all).
Gabe turned his head towards the sun. “It’s getting late Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta and we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.” Gabe said.
“Sí, lo eres gabe senor derecho.” Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta said.
The unlikely duo walked into town looking for a suitable inn for which to harbor themselves. They tried a fair number of places, but none would take them because of Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta’s constantly growing cloud of filth and had nothing to do with the fact they were both anthropomorphic creatures that their world had never seen the likes of before.
It wasn’t until they arrived at the last inn, a shabby place that went by the name of “The Retro Patriot”. Reluctantly, they entered the pit and approached the owner.
“Uh, hi! My name is Gabe Newell and-” Gabe began
“Did you say Gabe Newell?” The equine owner of the motel turned to face him. He had a coat the color of chocolate milk and super sayain blonde hair that was styled to resemble a mushroom cloud. He sported a dog tag around his neck and had a cutie mark of the American flag. “You need to go home and be a family man!”
“I just need a room for now.” Gabe said. “Are there any available?”
“Not until episode 3 is released.” The patriot pony replied.
Our god Gaben stormed out at the insult and decided it would be better if he slept away from all of the lowly peasants. He made his way to the only pony he knew wouldn’t turn him down.
After a rather long walk, Gabe and Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta had finally arrived at their destination. Fluttershy’s house.
“Rapataptap I'm ready to fap.” Gabe barged down the door, not caring what awaited him inside the establishment. He charged straight upstairs and plopped himself onto the nearest toilet. He began to take the gnarliest shit you could ever fathom. Meanwhile, Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta attempted to communicate with Fluttershy. She was paralyzed by the sounds of Gabe’s fierce toilet massacre and any attempt to understand Gabe’s servant was lost by the shrekoning happening right above her.
After 23 years of Gaben’s shit storm, the carnage finally stopped. The house had been evacuated and no one dared to approach the great god Gabe in the middle of his “production”. Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta was nearing the age of 60 and with Equestria’s lack of human knowledge began to lose his hold on of life.
Gabe emerged from the laboratory to a barren hole where the home he had invaded had once been standing. He needed to find Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta and make sure he retrieved something important from him. He could only hope he made it on time.
