Prince (Canon Pending) Will and Pinkie Pie in: Filly Cupcakes

by Wise Cracker

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Random, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other
Length: 20455

Our intrepid heroes must deal with a strange visitor from another world. Only Pinkie Pie seems equipped to handle this new threat, this abomination, this... 'Fun-tasian'. Warning: no gore.

(predates Season 4 canon)

Featured on Funtasia Daily! Yay!

Princess Twilight Sparkle and the Elements of Harmony are called to Canterlot to investigate a strange creature that has landed there despite Equestria's water-tight defenses against intrusions from other worlds. It's a Funtasian: a pony-like creature that definitely isn't a pony and insists on not making any sense. How does one deal with an alien creature that won't listen to logic?

Put Pinkie Pie on it, of course.

This can only end well.

Disclaimer: This fic contains no gore, dark or cruel situations, just sunshine, happiness, and possibly cynicism. Think Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, only the later, less upbeat books. If anything in this story resembles real people's opinions or statements, this is neither the author's intention nor the author's problem.

Published 2014-08-06 17:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-11 08:28:55 UTC

It Came From Another World And It Looked Like a Pony. But It Totally Wasn't. Really.

He stepped forward into the corridor and gazed in awe at its magnificence. One thick hoof after another met the checkerboard marble floor, every step making just the slightest noise that could echo forever.

It was the statues that caught his attention, though. Beyond the pillars of the hall stood rows upon rows of intricately carved devil-like creatures, each with its own distinct face and pose. Looking up, he saw another set of them looking down at him. They were just statues, he knew, but he could almost swear they were alive. There was a slight thrum in the air, which he guessed was coming from a vast source of magic.

Intrigued, he went further, noting the strangeness of the air on his wings. He looked down at his hooves and found they looked different from what he remembered. His legs looked more like ill-defined tubes now, and to his shock he couldn’t quite tell where his legs ended and where his hooves began. The transition from black fur to white hooves was still there, at least. His wings still had their green sheen to them, as well as the faint sparkles his kind was born with.

He kept going, and the thrum intensified. He looked to the statues again, and noticed they weren’t all in straight lines. In fact, they looked more like they were all gazing towards the same point, and that point was where he’d entered.

The figures in the hall were arranged in a funnel, he realised. Almost like they were guarding something. And there was no door he could see. He wanted to leave now. It was a pretty hall he’d entered, to be sure, but he wasn’t about to waste any more time here than he needed to.

That thrum became very noticeable now, though. He looked up and saw the runes carved into the statues.

They were arranged like guards.

Like a trap.

He screamed when the blast hit him. Everything burned with a maddening pain, his muscles twitched all at once, and his organs were all clenched in an unmerciful fist. He fell down and closed his eyes, barely aware of his breath. He hoped he could still breathe. He could still see, somewhat. His ears rang, and his body refused to move.

He tried to cry out. He wanted to cry out. He managed to cry, that was a success.

“Did you just hear a scream?”

Someone was there. It sounded like a guy.

“Yeah, I did. They’re not supposed to scream, are they? Do White Riders scream?”

“Not that I know of. Red Riders do, sometimes.”

He heard the sound of hooves on marble. Whoever had heard him was behind him.

“Don’t look it in the eye.”

“I know, I know the protocol. Doesn’t look like any Red Rider I’ve heard of, though. Black Rider, maybe?”

“No way, they don’t make mistakes like this. Grey Rider, tops. Why is the body still here, though? Isn’t it supposed to evaporate?”

“Look, it’s still breathing.”

“What? No, that can’t be. It can’t-Oh wow, it is still breathing. What are you supposed to do with a live one?”

Another set of hooves came up from behind him. This one sounded less hurried, and more calculated. The voice the hooves were matched with was female, too. It sounded commanding and wholly unpleasant.

“Fetch some restraints, and tell the royal inquisitors to make their way here.”

He didn’t like the sound of that.

“At once, Princess Celestia.”

And that, he liked even less.

The six friends had taken the train to Canterlot to answer Celestia’s call. They had year passes for the quick train now, since the one that took a detour and stopped along every small town just took a day and a night to get anywhere. Mostly, though, they’d gotten a pass because spring had recently started, and for some strange reason the six of them could just never manage to enjoy the start of a new season without something making them head over to Canterlot.

Truth be told, Rarity was contemplating why they couldn’t just pick Ponyville up and move it to Canterlot in the first place; it would save everyone so much time and do wonders for the property value. Applejack, however, was of the opinion that Canterlot simply didn’t have the food production to sustain itself. To which Rarity would argue that Ponyville was only a few hundred years old and Canterlot had managed to get along quite well before Applejack’s family had plundered some magical fruit from a dangerous forest and fed it to an oblivious populace without ever properly testing it. She’d never say it in those exact words, of course, but she kept the argument ready, just in case.

As for Spike? He was there, too. Not that the little boy dragon didn’t enjoy being surrounded by grown females, but he did find himself sulking somewhat about being pulled away from a very important conversation with all the other young boys of Ponyville who wielded magic, the whopping two of them.

Still, coming to Canterlot was routine now, and both the six mares and the dragon put their best hooves, claws -- or whatever anatomy buffs would insist one call their limbs -- forward as they strode off the train and through the suburban areas, reaching the palace with no incident worth mentioning. That is, considering Princess Twilight didn’t find Mustang tourists taking pictures with ‘that silly costumed gal’ worth mentioning, ever. Especially given Pinkie Pie’s very helpful directions. Doubly so given Rarity’s insistence on ‘proper lighting’.

After all, when Princess Twilight and the Elements of Harmony -- and Spike -- were called to Canterlot, it meant the world was at stake. And that, in turn, meant it was Saturday, and everypony could just relax.

Once the tourists were dealt with, the gang of magical mares -- and Spike -- entered the palace. Then it was a matter of finding the right room.

“So what did Princess Celestia say the emergency was, again?” Rainbow Dash asked as she flew next to her winged but -- despite her best best efforts -- grounded friend.

“She said there’s a strange creature that appeared out of nowhere last night, and her inquisitors can’t get it to talk. So she suggested we try and use our personal skills to get some information out of it, or at least ascertain its nature.”

“Uhuh,” Applejack said as they walked through another large door into a hall where the Princess of the Sun was waiting for them, along with a grey bat pony. “If this thing came out of nowhere, then where did it land, exactly?”

“The Nightmare Funnel,” Celestia replied. “Equestria’s main defense against incursions from other worlds. It is supposed to make sure that nothing can get in, but somehow this thing managed it.”

Pinkie Pie frowned. “Wait, so everything from other worlds is blocked off from us?”

The princess lowered her head in a graceful, delicate, and most of all royal nod. “Yes.”

Pinkie didn’t quite get that bit. “But what about that mirror Sunset Shimmer went through? And back? And that Twilight went through? And back? And Spike went through?”

“And back?” Spike added.

“That was different,” the grey pony with bat wings replied. “That world is connected to ours.”

Princess Celestia smiled gently to her loyal servant. “Thank you, Echo. That will be all.”

The bat pony departed with a bow and a flutter of his wings. Applejack’s Common Senses were tingling. “Then how is it things can move here from other worlds and back at all if we’re not connected?”

“Let’s not get caught up in semantics, shall we?” Celestia opened the door to the room.

It was only now Twilight and Spike realised they were in the infirmary section of the palace, more specifically the ward for hysterics. How either of them knew where this place was, was a well-kept secret known only to Celestia, Spike, and one unlucky Royal Guard whose little sister had nearly had a heart attack when he’d hidden her notebook in an attempt to force her to socialise.

The six friends -- and Spike -- went in and investigated the strange creature. It was a strange, pony-like and pony-sized thing, with black fur and green insect wings that were covered in some sort of star-shaped glitter. It almost looked like a changeling, based on the colouration and wings. Unlike the changelings they’d seen, though, this thing did not have any holes in its legs, nor did it have any form of plates or fangs. It didn’t even have a horn, which of course meant it could not cast any spells, because as a rule, wizards were always horny. Despite the lack of horn, it did wear a crown; a golden diadem-like thing with red gems set in. The crown itself was made of one large band with several thicker ones running through it, though Twilight couldn’t tell if it was a mere ornament or some sort of magic capacitor. Whatever magic it once held, it had to be gone now, since nothing was glowing and every small child knows that magic means it glows, because no wizard would ever want something as useless as an invisible projectile or a spell that can be cast unseen.

But to their horror, this thing, this abomination, had eyes that were spherical, rather than oval. To top it off, the eyes weren’t even that big: barely half of its skull had to make room for them. Truly, this thing was a crime against nature. Its legs were far thicker than any pony’s, and the black fur was offset with white markings that looked like some sort of tribal tattoo on its hips. A white wavy symbol stretched from its lower belly to the bottom of its chin, and its eyes were marked by three white arrowheads on its cheeks. Finally, it had a white diamond imprinted on the fur of its forehead. Rarity thought the pattern looked rather exotic, even daring or, if pressed, timeless. Rainbow Dash thought about asking it if she could get the same.

This thing, this abomination, with its strange and bulbous nose, thick legs and far too spherical eyes, looked nothing like a pony.

Celestia cleared her throat. “Clearly this thing is some sort of imitation of my little ponies, we know that much.”

The thing looked angrily at the gang, sizing them up and tensing against its bonds. It was tied firmly to the hospital bed by its arms and legs, as well its waist and head. The restraints were not made of leather, of course, but the same thing Applejack’s hat was made of. This material had all the properties of leather without having to explain the slaughter of animals, which was convenient for all involved, but most of all for the animals. A similar substance was used to substitute otherwise animal-based gelatin for sweets and particularly marshmallows. This was also as rarely explained as the fake leather.

Twilight looked the thing up and down again. “Well, then it didn’t go a very good job at it, Your Highness. It doesn’t look that much like a pony. Its eyes are far too small, the legs are too thick, the chest protrudes so much I don’t think it can even stand on its hind legs for long. And no horn, so it’s obviously not a creature of magic. The wings look like a changeling’s, but I’ve never heard of a changeling with star-shaped glitter on its wings. There aren’t any holes, either.”

“What of its soul?” Celestia asked. “Can you identify its anima prima?”

Twilight made her horn glow purple and ran it over the thing for a diagnostic. It didn’t like that one bit, judging from the violent wriggling. The purple pony princess put it past her. “It’s a type of equine, certainly, but no species I know of. The aura’s got bits of Equus in it, but also Eohippus. And honestly, I think I found a trace of Giraffatitan.”

Celestia arched her slender and regal eyebrow. “No Homo?”

Twilight looked behind her. “No Homo.”

As if on cue, the Equestrian Homo specialist walked in just then.

Celestia flashed the mare a warm smile. “Ah, just the pony I wanted to see. Everyone, you know Miss Heartstrings, yes?”

“Hey, Lyra,” everyone greeted, ignoring the fact that Heartstrings was Lyra’s given name. It was one of the odd things in her life, and she’d made peace with answering to the wrong name a long time ago. So much so, she'd had it changed officially, but it still felt off to think the name her mother had given her just wasn't good enough for the outside world.

“Oh, hey, everypony, and Spike. Wow, that’s a new one. Have you checked the soul yet?”

Twilight nodded. “Yup.”

“And no Homo?”

“No Homo,” Spike replied.

“Definitely not a Homo,” Twilight added.

“What’s a Homo?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Fluttershy fidgeted, trying to make the right gestures with her hooves. “Umm, well, you see, Rainbow Dash, when one peacock and another peacock like each other very much-”

“It’s an invasive species from another dimension,” Twilight replied. “Well, several dimensions, actually. It’s the species I turned into when I went through that mirror.”

Lyra, or Heartstrings, depending on the authority who signed her papers, nodded. “They’re a kind of ape with very limited magic, and they have a bad habit of trying to get into other realms. Their souls are usually very immature, and if they get their hands on any kind of real magic it always goes wrong.”

Celestia afforded herself the tiniest and more delicate of groans. “Indeed. They never have anything on their mind besides their basest desires, and if one of them manages to scrounge up a corporeal form and manifest on our realm, it’s invariably unoriginal.”

Rarity frowned. “Really? What do they look like, then?”

“Alicorns, of course. Disturbingly often red and black.”

The mares -- and Spike -- all looked to one another, exchanging knowing glances. For a moment, Celestia thought she might be called out on her enforcing the right to make sure only ponies with her seal of approval became alicorns. Copyright law was a very serious business, after all, especially where ponies were concerned.

Instead, Pinkie Pie merely stated the obvious to defuse the potentially volatile situation. “But I’ve never seen a red and black alicorn. Or any red and black pony.”

“Yes, we do manage to keep them out most of the time.” Celestia smiled mischievously and as princess-like as she could muster. “But if this creature is not a Homo, and my sages have yet to determine what it is, exactly, do you think you could shed more light on the matter, Twilight? We’ve ruled out all of the obvious options.”

Twilight shrugged and followed its eyes as she moved her head back and forth. “It looks moderately intelligent, at least. It definitely looks like it’s trying to listen to what we’re saying, but there’s no signs of comprehension. No twitching ears, no nostrils flaring, actually…” They all stared at the thing as Twilight put a cannon -- a body part other, less imperialist creatures peacefully called a ‘palm’ -- in front of the thing’s muzzle. She pulled back with a start. “Huh, that’s weird. No nostrils, but there’s still air coming through its nose. I wonder how it breathes?”

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “The same way I breathed when Trixie took my face off, maybe?”

Celestia frowned, albeit in the most delicate, elegant, and ruling fashion possible. “Who did what, Pinkie Pie?”

“Let’s move on, shall we?” Twilight turned to Fluttershy. “There’s no sure way to tell its gender or age, at least not with extradimensional creatures, and we obviously don’t have any references for it, so, Fluttershy, what’s your best guess?”

Fluttershy flew up to lean over the thing, sniffing the air just above its belly. She sat down again once she was sure. “Oh, it’s a boy, definitely a boy.”

“Could you be a bit more specific?” Heartstrings asked, taking notes.

“Umm, it’s a male, and, you know, adolescent. Judging by the smell, he’s either about to start liking girls, or he already likes one.”

Twilight nodded. “Rarity, what do you make of the crown?”

Rarity inspected it up close. “It’s no Equestrian design, certainly. It’s very intricate, but it still looks quite plain compared to the rest of him.”

“What do you mean, ‘plain’?” Twilight asked.

“Well, look at him, darling. Was there no staff, no robes?”

“Nothing but what he is wearing now, and given its origins we don’t dare remove it,” Celestia replied.

“Well then, it’s clearly not a status symbol. If it was, he’d be far better accessorised. I do wonder about those wings, though. Do you suppose he was born with that glitter?”

The thing on the bed wriggled and growled again, clearly not liking the inspection from the mares. Spike didn’t blame him.

“Um, maybe we should leave him alone now,” Pinkie suggested. “I think he’s getting a little upset.”

“Just one more thing. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, what do you make of his muscles? Think he can break loose?”

Applejack frowned. “I don’t think so, Twi, not without magic. He looks pretty bottom-heavy to me. Might be from a swampy place; pony folk there tend to grow their hooves nice and wide.”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yeah, he doesn’t look very strong to me, just weird bones. And you can’t really tell how fast he can fly from the size of his wings.”

With that, Twilight escorted the mares -- and Spike -- back outside.

Celestia sighed. “So there is no means of tracing this creature’s whereabouts, Heartstrings?”

The green mare whose name no one could get right shook her head. “‘Fraid not. The only way to make sure is to invade his mind, and that could be boobytrapped. Even his crown might blow up if we try any magic around him.”

“Very well then, Twilight, if you would be so kind as to fetch the Elements of Harmony, we can banish this thing back to where it came from.”

Applejack flinched. “Beggin’ your pardon, Your Majesty, but isn’t that a bit drastic?”

Celestia rolled her eyes, gracefully, like a five-star chef rolling dough for buns. She felt she could do with some hot buns right about now. Good thing Luna was still asleep, or there wouldn’t be a croissant left in the palace again. She stopped her pastry-based daydream and returned her attention to the world-threatening matter of an average Saturday morning. “Yes, it is drastic, and I’d rather not have to resort to that, but it is the only way. Our world has a very delicate magical balance, and we cannot afford to let it be polluted.”

“What Princess Celestia means is, our world is fairly young compared to the rest of the universe. It’s constantly changing, even basic rules aren’t fixed yet, and if any outside influences come in it could have dire consequences. Basically, if that thing back there has friends, we can’t let them through the Nightmare Funnel. Our world can’t take that,” Twilight explained.

Rarity joined Applejack in frowning, though she was loath to do so with her propensity for wrinkling. “But surely there must be some more civilised way to go about it? Fluttershy said it herself, he’s only a little boy. Can we not communicate with him somehow?”

Celestia sighed. “My inquisitors already tried gathering information from him, to no avail.”

Twilight shuddered. She knew Celestia’s inquisitors all too well: bat-winged ponies who delighted in crushing young spirits and forcing out the most humiliating responses from the weakest of minds. And if the minds were not weak, the inquisitors would make them so. They were masters of making ponies question everything about themselves, to the point where even the most confident of ponies would find themselves reduced to a babbling, crying, little child. Of course, they weren’t completely horrible, as Twilight knew all too well.

Occasionally the inquisitors took a break from their day job of proofreading and editing Daring Do fanfics and tried to wrest information from prisoners. They found that a much-needed reprieve from having to act so cruel all the time.

Yet, if they had failed and magic was not an option, Twilight knew there was simply no way to get any information out of this strange creature. “Okay, I guess we’ll just go and get the Elements, then. If we can’t find out what he is or where he came from-”

“His name is Will and he’s from a place called Funtasia,” Pinkie Pie interjected.

Everyone turned towards the pink mare. Applejack furrowed her brow. “And how would you know?”

Pinkie Pie smiled and shrugged. “I asked.”

Celestia would have been flabbergasted, but she restrained herself in front of the peasantry. “My inquisitors tried every technique they know. If he wasn’t from another world, we’d have used a spell to get anything out of him. How did you get him to talk, where my inquisitors failed?”

“I asked nicely.”

With renewed hope and energy, the gang entered the room again. Pinkie Pie walked to the far side of the bed and smiled at the colt. “See, this is just a big misunderstanding. Right, Will?”

The thing on the bed grumbled and glared at the two alicorns in the room.

“Oh, right, duh!” Pinkie slapped herself. “Will, this Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Spike, Lyra Heartstrings, Twilight Sparkle-” She took a moment to catch her breath.

“And I am Celestia.” Celestia nodded her head towards the intruder. Will did not seem impressed. Celestia did not respond to his lack of caring. “Why would you not speak to me or my guards?”

Will frowned. “Um, where I come from, we have this thing called ‘stranger danger’. We usually tell little children not to talk to grown-ups who tie them up.” He tried to lift an arm to illustrate, but found himself held fast by the restraints. His voice sounded like that of a teenage boy, late teens, at least. He didn’t quite have the low voice of an adult stallion, but it was close.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Okay, let’s start from the top, then, Will. You said you’re from a place called ‘Fantasia’?”

Will glared at the purple pony princess. Pinkie piped up in his stead. “No, he said it was called ‘Fun-tasia’.”

Twilight groaned. “Pinkie, he’s obviously trying to deceive you. There’s no way any realm would call itself ‘Fun-tasia’; it’s far too silly a name.”

“No, it’s not,” Will protested,”it’s a fine name, and it really is where I come from.”

“Really?” Rainbow Dash chuckled. “The ponies in charge of your place got together and decided to call it ‘Fun-tasia’? That doesn’t sound like a normal name to me.”

“Okay, where am I now, then?”

Pinkie Pie extended a hoof in greeting. “You are in the wonderful city of Canterlot, capital of the magical land of Equestria.”

Will pouted as he wrapped his head around that. “So this city is called Canter-lot? And you think Fun-tasia is a silly name?”

Celestia looked away and prayed the intruder would not bring up-

“-And whose idea was it to name the city after a diarrhea epidemic?”

Twilight, Spike, Lyra, and Celestia had a blush on their faces from that one. Most historians did when they explained that the capital of one of the most powerful nations in the world was actually named after its first major epidemic, following a sad tradition from when settlements didn’t usually last past the second generation. Truthfully, at the time, it was either that or name it after the swamp it got its food from, and no self-respecting nation in the history of the universe has ever named its capital after a swamp.

“Never mind that. I’m sure a lot of cities have far stranger names where you’re from,” Twilight argued.

“They do, but at least the country’s got a better name.”

“Still a better name than Fun-tasia,” Twilight remarked, somewhat snidely.

“Uhuh. So everyone’s a horse here, then?”

Spike flinched. “Of course not. We’ve got dragons, goats, cows, chickens, you name it.”

Will snickered. “Okay, you’re right: ‘Equestria’ is a better name than ‘Funtasia’, if you’re a horse.”

“How’s that?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Well, if you think about it: when someone’s feeling down in Funtasia, at least the name’s kind of comforting, right? If you’re in a place called Funtasia, there must be something fun to do somewhere, you just have to find it. But suppose you’re cow in Equestria and you’re feeling down? Tough luck: you’re in Equestria, where you only matter if you’re a horse. No wonder the Homos all try the same shape.”

Twilight shook her head. “Okay, let’s not get sidetracked here. We can debate nationality and dignity later. What species are you?”

Will smiled sheepishly. “Oh, I’m a Filly.”

Everyone looked the boy over, especially towards his lower regions. Twilight frowned. “Really? I thought you were a boy.”

“I am a boy.”

“Then you can’t possibly be a filly.”

“Yes, I am. I’m a Faerie Filly from Funtasia. And if I wasn’t tied down, I’d be a fleeing, flying Filly from Funtasia.”

“But you look like a colt, and you sound like a colt. So why would you call yourself a filly? Do you have gender confusion issues, Will? Does your boy name make you uncomfortable?” Twilight suddenly regretted not packing her psychology books.

“You are one strange little horse.” Will’s eyes narrowed, clearly this conversation was going too fast for his simple mind.

“I am not a hor-”

“-Oh, I think I get it!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “See, you think Will’s a filly filly, but what he’s really saying is he’s a Filly Filly. So he is a Filly, but he’s not a filly filly.”

Willow nodded. “Right, sorry about that, now I see the problem. Yeah, it’s exactly like Pinkie Pie says: I’m a Filly Filly, but I’m not a Filly Filly filly. Thanks, Pinkie, you’re smart. That could have taken forever to explain.”

Twilight felt a twitch go through her left eyelids. Her second worst nightmare, the first being more of a long string of memories than a nightmare, was coming true before her very eyes: there was a pony in the room to whom Pinkie made perfect sense. She tried not to let her chagrin show, to her credit. “Okay, I’m sure this would make a lot more sense if you wrote it down. So you are a ‘Filly’, and you come from a place called ‘Fun-tasia’, correct?”

Will nodded, still not smiling at anypony but Pinkie Pie. “Correct.”

“That’s a silly name.”

Will glared at Twilight again. “Remind me again where I am?”

“You are in Canterlot, the capital of Equestria,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Uhuh. So even if this place has a lot of creatures that aren’t horses, you’re all horses, right?”

Twilight stomped a hoof on the ground in an as princess-like fashion as she could, which was very much like a librarian-ish stomp, but ponies actually cared when she did it now. “We are not horses; we are ponies.”

Willow’s face became a mask of confusion then. “All of you?”

Twilight looked around. “Yes, all of us, except Spike. And he’s a dragon.”

“Okay, I can see that, but what about the horse?”

Twilight’s frown had gotten settled in by now, and Rarity made a mental note to give the girl some anti-wrinkle cream for whichever celebration came earliest. “What horse?”

Will nodded towards Celestia. “The big white horse standing behind you, with the horn and wings.”

Astronomers would be debating for centuries whether the sunspot that day was due to Celestia’s frustration or not. Fortunately, Twilight spoke up before Celestia did something to give future generations of volcanologists some equally interesting debate material. “Princess Celestia is not a horse!”

“Indeed, Twilight. I am a pony, young Will, just like every other pony in this room.” Celestia kept up her calm demeanour as best she could, though her mind was drifting to older, better days.

Will flashed them a coy grin. “But you look like a horse, and you sound like a horse. So why would you call yourself a pony? Do you have species identity issues? Do you not like your horse name?”

Twilight started fuming. Celestia tried to think of a rebuttal, but found none that did not involve judicious application of fire, combined with a quick relapse into habits -- or rather, hobbies -- she’d not indulged in since Equestria’s Dark Ages, or, as she referred to them, ‘The Good Old Days’. She always did have a bad habit of forgetting to get her oubliettes cleaned.

Will laid back and enjoyed the stunned silence. “Did I just win that? I feel like I won that. I’m gonna say I won that.”

Applejack leaned in and nudged the boy on one of the white spots on his thighs. “Listen, partner, you might wanna mind your manners here. You’re not makin’ this any easier for yourself.”

Will sighed. “Okay, okay, that was out of line. I’m sorry, Your Highness, I didn’t mean to offend your friends.”

Celestia smiled again. There was hope for this boy yet. “Apology accepted, Will.”

“Wait, what? You’re the princess? That’s not just your name? I thought Pinkie Pie and… Apple-jack, was it? I thought they were real princesses.”

Rainbow Dash and Rarity had always been strange in their friendship. Despite the mutual respect, there was just so little they could ever truly agree on. This, however, both could agree was priceless, and they both had to turn away to stop from bursting into raucous laughter.

Applejack chuckled nervously. “You thought I was a princess? Why?”

“Where I’m from, royalty looks like, well, you: no horn, no wings. That’s Princess Fillies. I’ve got faerie wings, that makes me a Faerie Filly, the ones who have a horn are Unicorn Fillies, and the ones with capes are Witchy Fillies. I just figured you’d have sort of the same system here.”

Rarity’s ears perked. “Only witches accessorise, darling? That must get dreary.”

“I mean magical capes, like a unicorn horn, only different. We do dress up sometimes, obviously. I’m not sure what wings like yours would be, though. I haven’t seen that on a Filly yet.” He nodded towards Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. “I guess there might be Angel Fillies I don’t know about.”

Applejack chuckled and shook her head once she felt the burning gaze of two princesses on her. “Err, okay, just so we’re clear: Princess Celestia is a princess. I thought the crown kind of made it obvious. And Twilight became a princess just a little while ago.”

Will suddenly smiled brightly at Twilight. “Oh, you got married into royalty? Congratulations!”

Twilight shook her head. “That’s not exactly what happened.”

“Oh, you found your long-lost parents and they turned out to be royal? Congratulations!”

Twilight clenched her teeth together. “That’s, um, not really how it happened, either.”

“Oh, you were adopted into royalty, then? Congratulations!”

Twilight sighed. “Let’s not get into the specifics of that, shall we? I don’t insist on my title, but Princess Celestia rules this land, so you’d better show some respect. She wears the crown around here.”

“Err, no offense, but where I come from, ‘Princess’ just means you belong to a certain race, and you get respect for things besides the title. And every Filly wears a crown, it’s not that special.”

Pinkie Pie leaned in to whisper to Will, sensing the anger building from the princesses. “Eheh, maybe you should still try and be polite, Will. You’re kinda offending my friends.”

Will turned to face her, still wriggling against his restraints. “Oh really? Well, I’ll have you know I attend the Royal Magic Academy of Funtasia. Some of my classmates are princes and princesses, Princess Fillies and actual heirs to kings and queens, and I’m being just as polite to you as I would be to them. And given the situation, I don’t think I’d need to be polite even if you were all classmates.”

“How so, darling?” Rarity asked.

“I thought I was being kidnapped! First I’m just minding my own business, walking down a corridor after doing my spell, and then I get zapped by these statues with who knows what kind of death ray. I’m surprised I’m still alive! You strap me to a bed and then you go interrogating me like I’m some sort of spy. Do you just assume that about any stranger?”

Rainbow Dash was about to say something, but stopped herself.

Will glared accusingly at Celestia and Twilight. “I’ve been here for hours and all you’ve done is scare me and make me think I was in trouble. I don’t know where I am, time doesn’t work like it does back home, light doesn’t work like it does back home, and I am still trying to figure out how depth works around here. And through all that, the only one who’s bothered to ask me if I was comfortable was Pinkie Pie. Not one of you bothered to check if the straps weren’t cutting off blood to my hooves, or if this pillow wasn’t starting to sag and giving me a pain in the neck, or if those death rays were still killing me. Not one of your guards, or even you, Princess Celestia, bothered to just tell me where I’d ended up.”

Silence fell between them. Celestia averted her eyes.

Will glared at the alicorns. “I could have been starving, or dying, and no one in this entire palace seemed to care about that. I don’t know how things work around here, but it looks to me like prisoners have no rights, which means I just landed in a dictatorship. Why should I trust you?”

Twilight sighed. “We are trying to figure out what you’re doing here, Will, and the sooner we can confirm you’re harmless, the sooner you can go. Wait, did you just say you cast a spell that landed you here?”

Will looked away from her. “Yes, I did. I cast a knowledge spell with a chaotic black mirror focus, and then I went to bed. I woke up in that corridor, I got blasted by a furnace that made me feel like I was being boiled alive, I passed out, I barely noticed I was being hauled somewhere, and by the time I woke up I was tied to this bed.”

Twilight needed a moment for that to settle in. “And what knowledge were you looking for, exactly?”

The Filly shrugged. “I can’t remember, that’s kind of the whole point. Don’t you know how chaos magic works?”

Twilight flashed Lyra a sheepish smile. “Could you excuse us for just a second, Will?”

The band of ponies -- and Spike -- convened back in the hallway, taking care to close the door so Will couldn’t hear Twilight slapping herself. “Great, that’s just great. It had to be chaos magic. It just had to be chaos magic. We’re lucky we didn’t end up with squids on the floor.”

Lyra nodded. “Funny how you forget that kind of thing exists, huh? Good thing Discord isn’t around.”

Celestia let off a deep sigh, the likes of which she reserved for her little sister’s ‘croissant crusades’. “Indeed. This means trouble.”

Pinkie Pie tilted her head. “Why? What’s the matter?”

Twilight pointed a hoof to the room. “That’s not the real Will in there, that’s just a dream body, a copy. He cast a spell that let him project an image of himself into our world. He’s real to us, but from his perspective he’s only dreaming. Right now there’s a Filly in bed in some other world and he’s experiencing everything that’s going on here. And to make matters worse, we can’t just dispel him. Chaos magic doesn’t work with the same rules as unicorn magic. It’s volatile and unpredictable, so there’s no way to reliably banish him, at least none that I know of.”

“The Elements of Harmony still could,” Celestia offered. “They work on the same level of reality. This is exactly the reason we keep the Elements around, even, the whole reason I had you retrieve yours from the world of Homos.”

Fluttershy winced. “But wouldn’t that hurt him? He’s only a child.”

Lyra shook her head. “We can’t even be sure of that. Right now, the real Will is in a dream, and there’s no telling how much of his memory, or even his personality, is real and how much is a figment of his imagination. If he cast a knowledge spell using chaos magic, the best thing to do is to let him get whatever knowledge he was trying to gain and let him leave on his own. That, or wake him up naturally.”

“Can’t you just keep him here until he wakes up?” Rainbow Dash offered.

Celestia sighed. “No, we cannot. Chaos magic, you see, works through the subconscious. If he is not given any mental stimulus, his imagination is going to start filling in the blanks. His subconscious will try to exert its control, and with this kind of magic that might do permanent damage. The only solution besides banishment is waking him up from the dream.”

Twilight groaned. “Except you can’t wake someone up from a chaos magic spell, not unless you make them remember what it was they wished for. And if they have the self-control to forget their own wish, which this one obviously does, you need something drastic to snap them out of it. We could do it with something his mind rejects, although scaring him’s not going to work if he managed to go through the Nightmare Funnel.”

“What if we’re nice to him?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Twilight and Celestia turned to stare.

“What? Wouldn’t that work? You said so yourself: he feels like he’s dreaming. If we just give him a good dream, make him happy to wake up, he’ll wake up. Isn’t that how it works?”

“That’s exactly how it works, actually,” Lyra said. “But where would we put him? We can’t keep him in Canterlot, not with all the wizards in training. And somepony would need to keep an eye on him.”

“I would.” Pinkie Pie raised a hoof. “I’ve never had a friend from Funtasia before. It sounds fun!”

Twilight groaned. “Pinkie, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“He’s offensive.”

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “Oh, you’re just saying that ‘coz he’s black.”

“But he’s childish, nothing about him makes sense, he’s random, and-oh, you’re probably right, let’s just get him to Ponyville. I’m sure I can come up with a more suitable banishing spell that won’t hurt him. Wouldn’t be the first time I invented a weird new spell.”

Pinkie Pie squeed and called out behind her. “Will? I hope you like pink, because you’re bunking up with me for a couple of days!”

“Great! Let’s go!” Will replied.

Everyone looked at the prisoner, who was now loose and standing right beside the pink mare.

“Why are you not tied down?” Twilight asked.

“Toilet break.”

“And how did you get loose?” Celestia asked.

Will shrugged. With his bonds cut loose, the glitter on his wings truly stood out. “I used magic.”

Celestia stared, without emotion, as was the fashion for royalty. “But those bonds were enchanted. They were made to resist magic.”

“I’m a Faerie Filly; I’m irresistable.”

“You have magic without a horn?” the hornless Ponyville Weather Patrol Captain, who routinely moved clouds with her bare hooves, asked.

“You can only do magic if you have a horn? Wow, that sounds boring.”

“Let’s just get you to Ponyville, shall we?” Twilight shoved the boy forward to the nearest exit.

Pinkie Pie hopped alongside him, and as he mimicked her hops, Twilight stumbled.

She saw the pair of hopping ponies, or rather one pony and one Filly.

Pinkie Pie would have to take care of this one. Only she could weather the insanity of this strange creature.

Equestria was doomed.

Again.

Author's Note

Oh, I was grinning ear to ear as I wrote this.

For those who don't quite get the joke: Giraffatitan is a genus of sauropod dinosaur. The idea that Will has traces of it in his soul is a reference to the fact that while SFM ponies have a mish-mash topology, the Filly models look like they have the topology of a dinosaur. In layman's terms: their faces look designed with Littlefoot as the model, not any kind of horse. And being a sucker for cute monsters/dinosaurs/whatever, that just makes them even more awesome in my book.

I do think SFM and Gmod ponies look good, but having had a look at the topology, you just can't do the right stuff with them. Fillies are not based on SFM ponies, not by a long shot. And having tried my hand at making them, I can say that out of firsthand experience.

I also do not intend any of this as a slight or whining against My Little Pony. I just think it's good to poke fun at some of the things that people seem to think are there, but really aren't. Like consistency. Or background character names. It's all in good fun.

Welcome to Ponyville, Hope You Feel Welcome.

Pinkie Pie escorted the Filly into Ponyville, hopping and bouncing excitedly. She didn’t mind that her friends had left; after all, that meant she had more time alone to get to know her new friend. Fluttershy had asked Will nicely to try and stay out of trouble, which he promised to do. Rarity had assured him that if he needed any sort of style advice, to come see her, which Will had accepted with a wide and polite smile. Rainbow Dash warned him not to try and fly around too much, or try to flee, because she was undoubtedly faster than him. Will hadn’t even considered running, since this new town looked amazing. Applejack had done her best to act polite, but the fact of the matter was she wasn't too happy about some of the things Will had said. She had bade him goodbye, but Will had made a mental note to try and do something nice for the blonde mare if he could, just to make it up to her. Applejack didn't strike him as the type he wanted to antagonise.

Princess Twilight had just left to go research a better -- meaning faster -- means of getting rid of him. In that respect, the feeling was mutual.

So there the two were, fresh off the train and trotting about Ponyville, when Will found himself at the receiving end of an ambush most vile and devious. He was pounced from behind by an adversary out to claim his head and bring him to justice.

Will wasted no time responding to the dastardly attack. “Um, Pinkie Pie? There’s a little girl clutching my leg, and I’m not sure if one of us is breaking any laws.”

Pinkie Pie looked to the Filly Filly’s attacker. As it turned out, it was a filly filly. “Oh, hi, there, Scootaloo! What are you doing?”

Will’s attacked had clenched her arms and legs around Will’s right hind leg, which didn’t do much considering she wasn’t even big enough to reach his head. The girl growled and kept on trying to throw Will to the ground. “I’m trying to get my changeling-chasing cutie mark.”

Will frowned. “You know this girl?”

“Sure I do, silly! I’m friends with everypony in Ponyville, and every donkey, too, and every cow! At least, the ones that talk back. I’m not sure about the ones that don’t. But anyway, Scootaloo, you can let go now. That’s not a changeling.”

Will frowned again. “What’s a changeling?”

Scootaloo let go, then glared at the black Filly with those odd white markings. “A changeling is a creature that would ask that question. And it usually has holes in its legs. Why don’t you have any holes?”

“Umm…”

Pinkie Pie waved a hoof dismissively. “Oh, don’t worry about him. This is my new friend. Why don’t you introduce yourself?”

The Filly didn’t need to be asked that twice. “Hi, I’m Will! I like acrobatics and food. What’s your name?”

“Um, I’m Scootaloo. Pleased to meet you, Will. Sorry I jumped you.” She extended a hoof up towards him.

He gracefully took that hoof and shook it in greeting. “Don’t worry about it, I’m sure I look a lot like a changeling and that changelings are very evil creatures. Wait, did you just say your name was Scoota-lieu? As in, loo?”

The girl arched an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, so?”

Will had to suppress an acute case of the giggles just then. “And you’re friends with Pinkie Pie, too, Miss Lieu?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Uhuh. Since you’re new in town, you might as well know: Pinkie really is friends with everypony in Ponyville. And she does know everything about everyone around here.”

Will shook his head, surprised. “Wow, I thought you were exaggerating. You really know everything about everyone here?”

Pinkie Pie smiled. “Pretty much. And hey, if you like acrobatics, Scootaloo’s pretty good at that, too.”

“Really?”

Scootaloo nodded proudly. “Yup. I’m the fastest pony in my class.”

“She’s a daredevil, too,” Pinkie added, hoping maybe a display would snap the Filly back to where he came from. Though, all things considered, part of her hoped he’d stick around for a while, just to see what would happen.

“Daredevil, huh? I’m not sure what that means around here, but where I come from, you have to prove that kind of title.”

Scootaloo frowned. “Is that a challenge?”

Willow grinned. “Maybe. Would you mind showing me some tricks? I’ve got a few of my own, you know.”

“You’re on. Can you spin on one arm?” Scootaloo hopped to stand on her left foreleg, before spinning around. She stayed on that leg for a second to grin.

“That’s easy.” Will stomped one of his thick hooves into the ground and spun, before stopping just like she had and striking a pose. He set down, even matching the girl’s grin. “Okay, my turn. Can you do this?”

Will took off from the ground with a powerful flap of his shimmering wings. He hung high in the air for a moment, then twirled around and made a corkscrew pattern as he descended, giving the impression of a green drill in the air. He chuckled when he landed. “Well?”

The filly pouted at the Filly. “Um, no, I can’t do that.”

“Really? But corkscrews are easy! Come on, fly up and I’ll show you. It’s fun.”

Scootaloo looked away. “That’s not what I meant. I can’t fly.” She nodded towards her tiny chicken wings.

Will flinched. “Oh, right, sorry, I should have noticed. Guess it is kind of annoying to have to wait for your wings to grow.”

Pinkie Pie tensed up as the Filly was about to make his first major mistake in dealing with, well, fillies.

“No, you don’t understand. I can’t fly. At all.”

Will frowned, confused. “What do you mean? Are you handicapped in any way? You don’t look handicapped.”

“I just can’t fly, okay?” Scootaloo grunted.

Pinkie Pie patted Will on the back. “Come on, Will, it’s a long story.”

Will did not budge. “Why?”

Scootaloo’s ears perked towards him. “Why what?”

“Why can’t you fly? If it’s not the size of your wings, I mean.”

“It is the size of my wings, why do you care?”

Will put a hoof to his chest, trying to look and sound as gallant as he possibly could. “I care because I am trying to get to know this new world and its inhabitants, and you, Lieu of Scooter, seem like a very interesting pony. So, in the interest of helping me understand the ways and rules of this world, could you please tell me why it is that you believe you cannot fly?”

Scootaloo stared at the black and white boy. “Your new friend is weird, Pinkie Pie.”

“I know, isn’t it great? He’s from a totally different world called Funtasia!”

“Fun-tasia? Seriously?”

Will shrugged. “Wouldn’t make much sense to call it that it was serious, now, would it?”

To Pinkie’s surprise, that actually got a chuckle out of the girl. “No, I guess not. And if you really wanna know, I don’t know why I can’t fly.”

“Oh.” Will smiled, clearly relieved. “So it’s normal, then? Not a big deal?”

Scootaloo jumped up and managed to hover in front of Will’s face long enough to get her point across. “Are you kidding? It’s a huge deal! Everypony in my class can fly already. Well, you know, the pegasus ponies in my class can.”

Will thought that through for a moment. “Okay, and how many ponies are in your class, in total?”

Scootaloo averted her eyes. “It’s complicated.”

Pinkie Pie whispered in Will’s ear. “It depends on when you look.”

Will’s brow furrowed at that. “Wait, what? How does that even… never mind. How many pegasus ponies do you know who are your age?”

Scootaloo looked up at the sky, thinking. “Umm, five or six, maybe? And that’s if you count the boys, but they’re not around all the time.”

Will scouted the area as well. “Now that you mention it, Pinkie Pie, where are the boys in this town?”

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “There’s plenty of stallions in Ponyville, silly.”

“Yes, I can see that, but where are the boys? I’ve seen a bunch of mares, a bunch of stallions, and a lot of fillies playing in the park, but only two boys since I got out of the train, and they were both unicorns. Are all the boys at a club or something?”

“Sure, let’s go with that,” Pinkie Pie suggested.

“What does this have to do with anything?” Scootaloo asked.

“Um, sorry, Scootalieu, but I’m just saying that five or six ponies aren’t exactly a good standard to know what’s normal for your age and what’s not. Have you seen a doctor about it?”

Scootaloo rubbed the back of her head, embarrassed. “Not really, no.”

“And what do your parents have to say about it?”

Pinkie nudged Will more insistently this time. “Ixnay on the arentspay, Will. It’s a touchy subject.”

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t think your parents would be-”

“-It’s complicated,” Pinkie Pie interjected.

Will groaned. “Look, all I’m saying is: if you can’t fly now, that just means you can’t fly yet. Even if your parents are-”

“-Complicated-” Pinkie Pie interrupted.

“-Whatever, I can only assume there’s some pony taking care of you whose job it is to keep an eye on that kind of thing. Don’t children get medical check-ups in school? Or is that just on my world?”

Scootaloo started to smile weakly. Pinkie Pie grimaced. “Will, you don’t really understand how things work around here. We’re a little more laidback, you see. Things need to get really out of hoof before we try and get help.”

“Oh. So you never go see a doctor when there’s something obviously wrong with you, even when you feel bad because of it?”

Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Sure we do, but-”

“-And if a powerful wizard comes along and starts, I don’t know, pulling buildings out of the ground and enslaving the town or something ridiculous like that, you’d call some sort of police or an army to deal with that, right?”

“Yes! Yes, we most certainly would!” Pinkie Pie blushed furiously. “We would never, ever, ever let that kind of thing go unpunished.”

Scootaloo frowned and pointed towards the library. “But what about the time Trixie-”

“-Let’s get you to Sugarcube Corner, shall we?” Pinkie stopped nudging Will and started shoving.

“Well, okay.” Will didn’t protest much. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Scootalieu. I’m sorry if I said anything to upset you.”

Scootaloo trotted alongside him for a bit. “Don’t worry about it. You’re right: it’s not a big deal as long as it’s not official. And I guess if it is official, there’s doctors for it.”

Will smiled and winced in sympathy. “Doesn’t help you right now, though, does it?”

The filly chuckled and blinked to stop a tear from forming. “It’s okay. It was nice meeting you, Will.”

Will dug his hooves into the ground, even stopping the might of the pink Earth pony from getting him to move. “Willow.”

Scootaloo stopped. “What?”

“My real name’s Willow.”

Scootaloo almost laughed at him for that. “Um, around here, that’s a girl’s name.”

“Back where I’m from, it’s a girl’s name, too. It’s not the same thing, but, you know…”

“Yeah, I get it, thanks. See you around.”

And with that, the girl was off, rounding a corner to head towards the park. Pinkie Pie stopped shoving. “That was really nice of you, Will. I don’t think anypony’s ever had a real talk with her like that.”

Will grimaced as he watched her disappear from sight. “Do you have bullies in this world?”

Pinkie sighed. “Yeah, a couple. And Scootaloo does get picked on, but you already knew that, right?”

The Filly nodded solemnly. “Is she okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you said you know everything about every pony in this town. You said you were friends with that girl. So either you’re not, or you know, right? You can’t have it both ways.”

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “We really need to get you to Sugarcube Corner.”

Mister Cake had put up with a lot from Pinkie Pie over the years. He tolerated her self-appointed position as ‘royal test-taster’, mostly because she had a knack for only ever eating the pies that were below royal standards. He tolerated her occasionally loud behaviour, mostly because that was part of her advertising. He tolerated the parties, because they brought in a lot of revenue. In fact, Pinkie Pie’s latest idea of a “One Hundred Days Without a Monster Attack” party had contributed a great deal to Pound Cake’s Flight School fund and Pumpkin Cake’s Magic School fund. And the party had so been so much fun, everyone had just forgiven her for starting the celebrations one hundred days early.

Bringing a stranger into the house? That was fine, considering she was an adult, and mostly responsible. Bringing a stranger from an unknown species? Again, Pinkie Pie was an adult, and the Cake family had no business being discriminatory. Even if they’d wanted to judge others based on race, which they never had, their twins had pretty much thrown that option right out of the window. Having a stranger of unknown origins sleep over? There was a fine line to be walked, especially with children around the house, but if it was just to stay for a few nights it wouldn’t do any real harm, surely.

But bringing in a stranger of an unknown species, from another world, whose magic had a slight chance to cause an apocalypse? This took some consideration.

“Pinkie Pie, are you absolutely sure this Will is safe?” Carrot Cake looked towards the Filly, who had just spotted two more potential friends. He was rubbing his mane back and checking himself out in the reflection in the window, while one of his new friends did the same.

One of said friends was a black stallion, about the same shade of black as Will (though colour didn't quite work the way it did on his homeworld, so it may have been a really dark grey), with a whitish blue mohawk. Will was more focused on the colt this stallion was with, though, because even though the boy was only ten years old, Will had to compliment him on his dashing, even dazzling, neigh, impeccable hairstyle.

“So how do you get your hair like that?” Rumble asked, glad to finally see some other pony with the same hairstyle as his.

Will pointed to his crown. “This thing keeps it back pretty nicely, and a good jump every now and again does the rest. What about you?”

Rumble jutted his chest out proudly. “I go up on Windy Hill while my mane’s wet. It just kinda freezes like that.”

Thunderlane rolled his eyes and ruffled his little brother’s fur. “And then he gets the sniffles and then he has to chew on a bon bon.”

Will noticed a mare in the background twitch at the mention of chewing bon bons, but he didn’t press the issue.

“It’s not that bad. It makes my breath smell nice, at least.” Rumble squeed.

Carrot Cake regarded the conversation between Thunderlane, Rumble, and Will. The strange creature with green sparkly wings certainly didn’t appear to be malicious.

“So what are you doing here, then?” Thunderlane asked. “You said you’re from another world?”

“Err, yes. I know it’s hard to believe, but-”

“-No, it’s not. Just trust me on this, we get a lot worse around these parts. And most of the time it doesn’t involve talking, either. You don’t want a milkshake?” Thunderlane pointed to his drink, before sipping it.

“I’m not entirely here, so I have to pass. I’m not sure how long I can be here, either, since time doesn’t work the same as it does back home. I’m not even sure if I’m totally corporeal, and even if I am, I don’t have any money with me. And to answer your question: I cast a knowledge spell using chaos magic. Basically, I’m dreaming and waiting to learn to something. I’m just not sure what it is.”

Rumble frowned. “Really? You cast a spell and you forgot what for?”

Will shrugged and smiled at the colt. “Well, I haven’t woken up yet, so I know it didn’t involve styling advice, that’s a plus.”

Mister Cake sighed. “I'll consider it on one condition. You have to Pinkie Promise that he won’t cause any trouble. He won’t hurt anypony, he won’t accidentally start a riot or open a portal or anything. Can you guarantee that?”

“Don’t worry, Mister Cake! Everything’s gonna be oki-doki-loki! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

“Oh, hi there!” Will said to somepony Pinkie nor Carrot had noticed.

“I mean it, Pinkie Pie. If anything happened to Pound or Pumpkin-”

“Gah! Help! I am besieged!”

The two snapped their heads towards the cries for help. Will had been pounced from behind, for the second time that day. Unlike Scootaloo, this assailant didn’t bother with the courtesy of trying to grapple him, no, this veteran warrior knew better. Will now found himself locked in a deadly struggle against a bruiser who’d leaped up at him and struck a mighty blow to his head, then proceeded to pummel him into submission.

“Pound Cake, no!” Missus Cake cried out as she clutched her daughter closer and rushed to Will’s aid.

The little pegasus baby didn’t listen, at least not right away. He was having too much fun beating on this crown-wearing stranger. In years to come, Pound Cake would be told about this event, invariably in front of whatever girl he’d be dating, and it would be awkward. It would also usually be accompanied by the subtle hint that Pound’s political preferences leaned more towards the republic than the monarchy.

Right now, though, Pound just saw a nice-looking pony he didn’t know yet, and as such he had to greet them and make them feel welcome. He usually did this by flying out of his mother’s grasp in a moment of weakened attention -- enabled by his co-conspirator, the noble, devious, and elusive Pumpkin Cake -- and proceed to beat the living daylights out of whomever it was he wanted to get to know.

Pound Cake stopped when Will flopped to the ground, legs up in the air in surrender.

“I give, sir, I give! Might I know thine name before I am slain?”

Missus Cake walked over and picked the now giggling baby up. “His name is Pound Cake, and he doesn’t talk yet. I’m so sorry for this, he didn’t hurt you, did he?”

Will winked up at the surprised cream-coloured colt. “Not at all, but a good surprise is a good surprise.”

The baby was befuddled by this turn of events. Usually ponies didn’t make so much of a fuss when he hit them, or at least they didn’t find it as funny. Having finally gone all the way, Pound felt that hitting things caused a lot of noise, and got him a lot of attention. A little too much attention, perhaps. It was only then the baby realised maybe hitting ponies wasn’t a proper way of introducing oneself, and perhaps he should try and check if his parents reacted better to some alternative means of introduction.

“This is Will,” Pinkie Pie said. “He’s from another world, and he’s here to learn from us. Is it okay if he stays with me for a few days?”

The blue mare looked to her two babies, who were both oddly fascinated by this strange pony-like creature. She looked to Thunderlane and Rumble, neither of whom was making any gestures to suggest it was a bad idea. Lastly, she looked to her husband, who was clearly just at a loss over the whole thing. “Well, sweetie, what do you think?”

Carrot Cake winced. “On second thought, I'm not so sure. No offense, Will, but it’s just that strange magics can be dangerous, especially when we don’t know what kind and with children around.”

Rumble yawned. “Hey, Thunderlane, I think I stayed up too late last night. Is today Saturday or Sunday? I kinda forgot.”

Right at that moment, a herd of panicking ponies ran past the window, shouting something about ‘the horror’, followed by what one could only describe as a pack of animated brooms dusting the streets. They were soon followed by a purple pony princess perusing the pages of, evidently, a particularly perplexing pony paperback.

Thunderlane held up his hoof. “Wait for it…” He looked out the window. “Huh, just Twilight. Definitely Saturday.”

This was all the perspective Mister Cake needed. “Okay, he can stay. But he stays in your room, Pinkie Pie. You pay for his food and drink if he can’t. Unless he wants to work for it, of course.”

Will sat back up from his sneak attack and smiled. “No problem, sir. I’m sure I can learn to make milkshakes. I’ve always wanted to see how an ice cream parlour looked behind the scenes.”

Pinkie Pie whispered to him. “This isn’t an ice cream parlour; it’s a bakery.”

Will’s ears perked. “R-really?”

The ponies in Sugarcube Corner all turned towards Will then. He made the strangest sound, one no pony had ever really heard before, yet they could all describe. If asked, they’d all describe it as ‘the sound of a blue box travelling through space’. No one asked, though, so no one could really place it. As he made that sound, Will’s body became transparent in waves, flickering in and out of the real.

Pinkie Pie poked him. “Did that almost wake you up?”

Will looked to his white hooves, pouting sadly. “No, not really. Just a little glitch, I guess.”

Mister and Missus Cake went towards the back of their shop. Mister Cake sighed. “Well, I suppose stranger things have happened. Welcome to Ponyville, Will. Hope you like it while you’re here.”

Will kept staring at his hoof. “Thank you, sir. I’ll try.”

Author's Note

The "I like acrobatics and food" came from fellow Filly fan My Little Life on Mars, Consumer of Biscuits. I'm not sure if Biscuits includes Crackers, but I didn't want to get eaten, so credit where it's due.

Honestly, after seeing the S4 finale, I'm not sure if it's too soon to start making jokes related to the library being uprooted. But hey, I saw it with a delay, so it must be fine now.

I'll leave you to ponder the implications of Scootaloo being named after a parking lot.

I'd put up a warning about not causing a fuss over Scootaloo, but since this is already pretty much my trolliest fic yet, I'm just gonna sit back and if the comment section burns, I'll grab some marshmallows to roast over it.

While I'm not experienced in writing Pinkie Pie as, well, anything at all, you can't tell me Pinkie Pie would throw a "One Hundred Days Without a Monster Attack Party" one hundred days early. I'm sorry, that's just a given.

Will's Epic Quest of Totally Grave Importance. Seriously.

Will took in the room. Pinkie’s bedroom was quite huge, as far as his limited knowledge of girls’ bedrooms went, and it certainly looked bigger on the inside. An ornate chest stood in a corner, bulging with party items. A dresser drawer was placed on his right, the windows let in plenty of light, and there were various bits and bobs of pony party paraphernalia strewn around the floor to make a homely mess. Will kept his eyes on Pinkie as she folded out a bed out of her couch and quickly scooped up some of the things to shove them in the trunk. He could only assume her own bed was equally collapsable, given what he’d heard of Pinkie’s parties up here. He was fairly sure she didn’t party in her bedroom while her bed was still there.

Pinkie Pie waved her hoof to show him around. “Okay, so this is my bed, this is the guest bed, where you’ll be sleeping, the bathroom’s just down the hall, and don’t worry about your food or drinks, I’ve got that covered. Any questions?”

“Why is there a cannon in your room?”

“That’s my party cannon. It shoots decorations, so it saves time.”

“I see. And why is there a crocodile chewing on my ear?”

“Oh, that’s just Gummy. He doesn’t have any teeth.”

“I noticed.” Will chuckled. “You have a pet crocodile?”

“Of course not, silly! Crocodiles are dangerous, nippy little guys, and they bite anything they can find. I have a pet alligator; they’re much more fun to have around. Don’t you have any pets back home?”

Will carefully put the baby alligator down and grimaced. “I’m not sure. My memory’s a little fuzzy on that.”

“So, what do you wanna do? Try and figure out what knowledge you sent yourself here for, or explore Ponyville?”

“Umm,” Will looked to the ground. “Actually, would it be a problem if I remembered what I tried to learn?”

Pinkie stared at the boy. “No, but Twilight said that would wake you up. Do you remember?”

“Bits and pieces, yes. I remember what it was I wanted to do, but it’s not waking me up, so I guess it’s either not working or working too well.”

Pinkie Pie kept a close eye on the boy. The cheer he’d shown with the twins and Scootaloo had all but vanished. Those eyes of his, those odd, spherical eyes, spoke of a heavy weight on his heart. She wondered if Funtasia really was as fun-filled a place as Equestria was a pony-filled one. Whatever it was, it was serious. “Go on, you can tell me.”

The black and white Filly bit his lip. “It’s a long story.”

“Ooh, I love stories! Is it a good one with damsels and princes?”

“Um, well, princes aren't the same where I come from, but sure?”

“Well then, tell me, I’m gonna burst! Oh, hold that thought.” She bolted off to the bathroom, Will heard something flush before Pinkie returned to the exact same spot. “Okay, tell me now.”

“I don’t think you’d understand if I did.”

“Oh come on, Will. Don’t you know how exciting this is? You’re from a whole different world! You broke the rules of space and time to get cosmic knowledge into your little head, you must have had a good reason.”

“You’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t. I promise. I Pinkie Promise: cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Will raised an eyebrow at the gesture. “Is that like swearing?”

“Kinda, but it’s more polite. Now, will you please tell me? Pretty please?” She leaned in, holding her front legs together in her best Rarity impression.

Will sighed. “Okay, fine. I wanted to learn how to make cupcakes.”

Pinkie stood there, and waited for the mechanic in charge of her head to get the gears turning again. “You warped space and time to travel to another world, broke through a barrier that can burn and crush your soul into a crispy soul pancake, and walked into a completely alien world, for cupcakes?”

“See? I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

Pinkie smiled at him. “Are you kidding? Of course I understand! Cupcakes are little bundles of deliciousness that can put a smile on anypony’s face! Why wouldn’t you want to learn to make some? But, um, you must be really serious about it if you wanna go that far for it. Don’t get me wrong, you’re totally right, but it’s still not something a lot of ponies would do. Or Fillies. Do Fillies do that kind of thing a lot?”

Will rolled his eyes. “Not really, no.”

The pink mare pouted as the boy’s cheer seemed to drain from him with every second. Something was very wrong here. “So why did you come here, then?”

Will lowered his head in what Pinkie presumed was shame. “You know how I said I attended a Royal Magic Academy?”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Uh huh, and your classmates were princes and princesses, right?”

“Well, I may have kind of, sort of, stretched the truth on that just a bit.”

“So you lied? You’re not in a magic academy?”

Will shrugged. “Not yet. I’m signed up and I’ve been there and I’ve met some of the Fillies I’ll be taking classes with, but class hasn’t actually started yet.”

“That doesn’t sound like a lie to me. So what’s the problem?”

“The problem? Well, there’s not really a problem, it’s just that I’m not much a frou-frou Filly. Not usually, I mean. I like doing tricks and acrobatics, I get agitated when I don’t have anything to balance on or if I have to stand still for too long.”

Pinkie noticed him shifting his hooves back and forth then. She made a mental note to keep track of when he did it more. The note came with a scribbling involving balloons and whipped cream. “That’s not so bad. Rainbow Dash is like that, too. So is Scootaloo.”

“I kind of thought that.” Will chuckled. “But, umm, that doesn’t always cut it.”

“Cut what?”

Will heaved out a deep sigh. “Like I said, you wouldn’t understand.”

“You won’t know unless you try.”

Will sighed again. “I’ll be going to the Royal Magic Academy. Not just any regular magic school, the Royal Magic Academy. I’m going to be surrounded by Fillies who are…”

Pinkie Pie felt her heart sink. “Special?”

Will couldn’t look her in the eye after that. “Yeah, special. There’s going to be Princess Fillies in my class, and one of them’s an actual prince, heir to the throne and everything. There’s going to be Filly Elves, they’re practically born knowing magic. There’s even a Witchy Filly in my class, and no one even really knows what they can do. And then…”

Pinkie Pie stepped closer. “Something spooked you, huh? What happened?”

Will closed his eyes and gulped. “I didn’t see any Unicorn Fillies when I was there, but then I heard they’d be coming to the Academy, too, even some in my class. I can’t deal with that, I just can’t. You have no idea what a big deal Unicorn Fillies are where I’m from. I’ve only heard stories, but if even half of it is true, I’m going to be a nobody compared to all that.”

“Come on, Will, you don’t have to be scared just because everyone in your class is special. You just gotta show’em what you’re made of.” It only then occurred to Pinkie Pie that she didn’t actually know what Will was made of. Considering the circumstances and the mix of white and black on his body, chocolate was as valid an option as any.

She made another mental note, this one to ask Princess Cadence sometime if the Crystal Empire didn’t have any ties to a Crystal Sugar Empire, or a Cotton Candy Country, or at least a Chocolate Province with a Whipped Cream County. Geography had never been Pinkie’s strong suit, but then no pony was ever really good at geography because certain towns had a tendency to not be in the same place as they were the day the maps were drawn, one of the reasons Cloudsdale didn’t get much in the way of tourism. The big drop was another.

“You don’t understand. I can handle other Fillies being more special than me, or better than me. That’s just part of life, I get that. But what about when we get new students and I want them to feel welcome? What if someone’s feeling down and I want to help cheer them up? What am I supposed to do when I decide I want to do something special, like for a birthday? Stand on my front hooves? Do a backflip? All that’ll do is make me into a showoff.”

“What makes you so sure your classmates aren’t the same way?”

Will winced. “Princess Fillies all learn at least one form of art, it’s kind of a rule. Filly Witches learn at least one form of art to help them focus on their magic. Filly Elves use art to commune with nature, and Filly Unicorns? They’re famous for their celebrations, for their arts and crafts. They spread joy, wonder, and beauty everywhere they go, at least that’s what I heard. But us Faerie Fillies, we don’t really have a tradition for art. If a Faerie Filly wants to learn how to do it, they do it. Most of us just decide one day to start on something artsy and then they do it. I never did, and now I’m stuck.”

“And you thought making cupcakes would help fix that,” Pinkie stated, rather than asked.

Will nodded morosely. “I thought, if I can just learn how to do that, then I’d be fine. I could be the guy with the cupcakes, I’d have something that I can give to a Unicorn Filly or a Filly Elf and I wouldn’t have to feel embarrassed about it. Just something for me to make, that’s all. Class starts soon, and I was too embarrassed to ask anyone for help. So I cast that knowledge spell, I went to sleep, and I ended up getting fried by those statues. I guess it’s a good thing I’m not really here.”

“Well, you’ve come to the right place, Will. Sugarcube Corner is one of the best bakeries in Equestria, and I would be honoured to teach you how to make the most delectable, mouth-wateringly good cupcakes Funtasia’s ever tasted.”

The left corner of Will’s mouth twitched up ever so slightly at that. “Really? You’d do that? Just like that?”

“Of course I would. You risked using your magic to break the rules of space, time, and the universe, just to get here. You went a long way just to learn how you might make other Fillies happy. Besides, you’re totally right: cupcakes are exactly what you need.”

Will chuckled. “Thank you. It’s still pretty embarrassing, though. I feel like I used chaos magic for something silly.”

“Well, duh, of course it’s silly, silly Filly Filly. But it’s silly in a good way, and you’re not the only one who’s done goofy timey-wimey stuff for silly reasons. My friend Twilight once traveled through time once just to tell her past self to relax.”

“Wow. Did that work?”

“Nnnope. But it’s the thought that counts, just like it counts for you. So I am going to teach you how to make cupcakes, and once you do, you’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna go be able to hold your head high in class with all those princesses and witches and mermaids, or whatever it is you have classes with.”

“But is that going to be okay with the owners?”

Pinkie Pie pondered it for a moment. “Oh, I bake here all the time, it’s not a problem. But um, actually, I need to go check on something with Twilight. Will you be okay on your own? You could explore Ponyville some more, just make sure you don’t get into any trouble.”

Will put one of his thick hooves to his chest. “I promise I’ll stay out of trouble.”

Scootaloo was distracted by her own thoughts as she trotted over to the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse. With her scooter in need of repairs after a very strange incident involving a blowdryer, an anvil, and some waffles, her lack of flight capacity just stuck with her more.

She didn’t have any speed in her if she didn’t have wheels.

Then again, she could just try running. After all, Rainbow Dash did runs as well, if not as often.

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom sat in the clubhouse, hunched over a checklist they’d gotten from the same place where Twilight Sparkle got hers. They needed a long list to keep track of all their previous -- and failed -- attempts, after all.

“Okay, so we’ve tried apple bucking…” Apple Bloom started.

“I think I chipped a hoof on that,” Sweetie Belle piped in.

“And we tried zap apple harvesting when Family Appreciation Day came around…”

“My hair is still frizzy from that.”

“And then we tried apple cider making…”

“I still don’t know why Applejack said we were too young to try it. Ponies drink that all the time, and it makes them so happy they can’t even walk straight after a sip.”

Apple Bloom shrugged and and continued down the list. “Then we tried apple seeding, apple mushing, apple tree grafting… you know, I’m startin’ to think maybe we should expand out into some other fruits. Apples just isn’t working out for us.”

Sweetie Belle winced. “Apple Bloom, shush! Don’t let Applejack hear that.”

“Why not?”

“She’d get upset with you, or angry.”

“Err, why?”

“Because you’re talking about growing something other than apples. Everypony knows the Apple family only grows apples.”

Apple Bloom fixed the little unicorn with a steady glare. “You do know we grow wheat, like, right outside our front door, right? And that my great-grandparents used seeds from everything they could find? My family's only been farmin' apples for about three generations. What makes you think we’re obsessed with apples?”

Sweetie shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s all of the apple trees? Or the apple cutie marks your family has?”

“Uhuh. So your sister’s only obsessed with dresses because she makes those for a living? Or she’s obsessed with gems because she has a gem cutie mark? Or your dad’s obsessed with football because he has a football cutie mark?”

“Actually, now that you mention it-”

“-Okay, bad example.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. The Crusaders hadn’t been getting much progress in terms of getting their cutie marks lately, but that wasn’t anything new. With Scootaloo’s scooter in the shop, they’d lost a lot of their transportation capacities as well, so there weren’t that many schemes left as options.

“Hey, Scootaloo!”

Scootaloo jumped up when the black Filly suddenly appeared in view.

“Changeling alert! Changeling alert!”

The Filly just had time to raise his eyebrows before he found himself tackled by the two little fillies. He was pinned down to the ground, and once again he questioned whether he was breaking any laws, or if they were. The idea of girls pinning him down just for fun wasn’t entirely foreign to him -- he was male and a teenager and healthy, after all, as well as being straight -- but the fact that this kept happening with little children was somewhat disconcerting, to say the least.

Scootaloo put her cannon on her nose. This meant she bent the outer end of her leg around her nose, so her hoof dangled from the edge. Normally, this wouldn’t have been worth noting, but the gesture tended to cause confusion in other species. This gesture did not involve her hoof touching or pressing into anything, and technically only her muzzle was being touched, not her whole face.

And yet, as many generations of royal inquisitors would report, for some reason this gesture was known as a ‘facehoof’. Most scholars blamed this confusion on the fact that, compared to other species, ponies technically walked on their fingertips, not their hands and feet. Only a minority of scholars argued that it was mostly griphons and minotaurs who made this mistake, and part of the reason behind it was just that explaining differences in anatomy between species made for bad prose, with the possible -- but rare -- exception of playing it for comedic effect.

An actual facehoof, scholars would point out, involved the hoof touching the face. But seeing as ponies walked on all fours and had a basic understanding of hygiene, they didn’t do it very often. This had led to the generally accepted compromise of calling one gesture a ‘dirty facehoof’ and the other a ‘clean facehoof’. Calling it a ‘nosecannon’ was considered for a short time, but then the epidemiologists complained that it might cause confusion among readers regarding a plague from the Paleo Pony Era.

Pony scholars were a strange bunch like that.

At any rate, as Scootaloo did a clean facehoof that involved neither her forehead nor her hooves, she groaned. “Girls, this is Will. And he’s not a changeling. He’s new in town.”

Sweetie Belle hopped off the boy. “Oh, so that’s why he doesn’t have any fangs.”

“Fangs? These changelings you’re so afraid of have fangs?” Will frowned. “I’m being confused with something that has fangs?”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and released the Filly from her attempted death grip, which had ended up being more of a bear hug given the difference in size. “Well, yeah, you do kinda look like one. But changelings can change shape, too.”

Will got up and adjusted his crown. “If changelings can change shape, doesn’t that mean that anything can look like a changeling? Even your dog?”

“Hey, you’re right. Now that you mention it, I think Winona’s been actin’ a mite weird lately. I’m gonna have to keep an eye on that, actually. Your new friend’s smart, Scootaloo!”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I noticed. Anyway, Will, this is Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, this is Will. He’s from another world, or something.”

Sweetie Belle went wide-eyed. “Really? Are you a prince? Where are you from, how did you get here?”

Will chuckled. “Ah, that’s a little complicated. I’m from the magical land of Funtasia, and I got here by casting a knowledge spell. Basically, back in my world, I’m asleep and dreaming all of this.”

Sweetie Belle made a grimace not unlike the one Rarity had made when Sweetie Belle had tried to make toast, or rather toast in liquid form. “So you’re dreaming us? That can’t be right. I think I’d know if I wasn’t real.”

“Um, you are real, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom argued. “You can’t not be real, or else you wouldn’t be standing there.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Anyway, Will, next time don’t jump ponies like that.”

“Sorry. Faerie Filly habit.”

“Fairy Filly? Is that what you are?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Sure. You know what a faerie is, right?”

“Um, yeah. But are you supposed to be a filly?” Sweetie Belle looked him up and down. By her reckoning, Will was both male and adult-sized, neither of which would make him a filly.

“Obviously that’s just what his kind is called, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom remarked. “He’s probably a Filly colt the same way we have pony colts.”

“Oh right, of course.”

Will smiled. These girls were a lot more level-headed than most of the adults he’d met. A lot smarter, too. “Yes, I’ve heard that was a strange thing around here. But the reason I’m here is because I was just flying around Ponyville looking for something to do, and I couldn’t seem to find any of the other kids in town. Then I saw Applejack on the road, and she suggested I try here. She said you girls always knew something fun to do.”

This had been, of course, Applejack’s way of bidding Will welcome in Ponyville. It was also a minor attempt at revenge for insulting the nation, the nation’s capital, and the nation’s princess. The princess who’d ruled for over a thousand years, kept her imprisoned sister a secret for a few centuries, and not only neglected to tell her star student that graduation meant a species shift -- a notion Applejack still felt was slightly discriminatory, but magic is as magic does -- she’d also never told Twilight that Philomena was a phoenix. Then there was the minor matter of bringing up a baby dragon while knowing nothing about his violent growth spurts, or at least neglecting to tell anypony about them.

Truth be told, by the time she’d realised she’d sent Will towards the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Applejack wondered if maybe the prank wasn’t entirely deserved, and if perhaps there was some prejudice playing on her part. Perhaps there was something about him that just seemed off on the surface, and she should endeavour to put it past her.

Perhaps it was because he was partly black. Perhaps it was because he was partly white. Perhaps it was because modern pastel coloured equines were just naturally aversive to old-fashioned black and white ones. Whatever the case, after sending the Filly towards the fillies, Applejack decided to check on them once she’d wrapped up another bout of apple harvesting.

In the meantime, Apple Bloom had to disappoint Will. “Sorry, Will, but we’re kind of out of ideas right now. We’ve tried everything to get our cutie marks, and still no luck.”

Will sat down and raised an eyebrow. “What’s a cutie mark?”

Sweetie Belle held her hoof. “A cutie mark is a magical mark on a pony’s flank that represents what she should do in life. You get it when you find your true calling.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “You’ve got it all wrong, Sweetie Belle. If that was true, then your sister would still be mining gems. A cutie mark is a magical mark on a pony’s flank that represents what they’re good at. They get it when they do something perfect, when they find their true talent.”

Apple Bloom shook her head. “Well, if that’s true, then how is it Pinkie Pie was so bad at managin’ the farm when her cutie mark got switched around? You got it wrong, too, Scootaloo: a cutie mark is a magical mark on a pony’s flank that they get when they’re happy. It represents your true self, your deepest desires, the one thing that’ll always be a part of you and come natural to you, no matter what.”

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both frowned at that. Scootaloo was the first to pierce Apple Bloom’s logic. “But if that’s true, then how is it that when Rainbow Dash and her friends got their cutie marks switched, they felt miserable following their cutie mark?”

“That wasn’t because of the cutie marks; it was because of Twilight’s spell,” Apple Bloom argued.

Sweetie Belle frowned. “You can’t just blame anything on a spell, Apple Bloom. Spells are supposed to do things, and not do other things. Like Twilight says: magic only happens when you put your mind to it. And what she managed to do was really hard, so she couldn’t have done it by accident. I don’t even remember what really happened. Do you, Scootaloo?”

“I’m not so sure if I was even in town for that.”

Will held up a hoof to call for attention. “Excuse me, so… if I understand this correctly, you all want to get these marks of cuteness, yes?”

The girls all nodded.

“They’re very important to a pony? Like a rite of passage or something?”

Again, they all nodded.

“So they’re a very big deal, and you have no idea what they are, aside from the fact that they’re magic and that they go on your buttocks.”

Apple Bloom reluctantly nodded and shrugged. “Pretty much.”

Will grunted. “I think I’m starting to notice a trend here.”

Apple Bloom smiled sheepishly. “Eheh, yeah, rules aren’t really set in stone around here.”

Will walked up to the box that served as their table and checked the parchment. “So what’s the problem, then? If the rules aren’t set, then you must have plenty of options.”

Scootaloo winced. “Um, not really. Usually we get some stuff in Ponyville and load it up, but my scooter’s in the shop.”

Will nodded. “Right, and I guess you can’t get that much money, either.”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “Actually, we handle quite a lot of money. Hey, we could try getting an accounting cutie mark!”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “If we had a talent for accounting, we’d have gotten our cutie marks way before now.”

“Oh, right.”

Will frowned. “I don’t see any kind of baking attempts here. Have you tried that yet?”

“Yes,” Apple Bloom said.

“No,” replied Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.

Will turned and faced the girls as yet another argument broke out.

“We’ve never tried baking to get our cutie marks, Apple Bloom.”

“You mean you haven’t, but I have. Pinkie Pie tried to teach me how to make cupcakes the day we met. Why do you think I didn’t want you to try them?”

Scootaloo frowned. “Wait, you’ve tried to get your cutie mark on your own?”

“Sure. In fact, it was Rainbow Dash who told me to try lots of different things really fast. She had me go kiting, do kung fu, even hang gliding.”

Scootaloo’s frown evolved into a glare. “You went hang gliding with Rainbow Dash?”

“It was more hang falling, really.”

“So you mean to tell me you got a flying lesson from Rainbow Dash before I did?” Scootaloo felt a pang of jealousy at that. The sentiment was completely misplaced, of course, as everyone in Ponyville knew how close Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were and always had been. That’s why Rainbow Dash had kept such a close eye on Scootaloo’s lack of flight and, as any in Ponyvillian would insist, had always called the girl by name, rather than an inane nickname like ‘squirt’ or ‘kid’.

Ponies were not known for their keen observation skills.

“We could still try baking at Sugarcube Corner, if the Cakes would let us,” Sweetie Belle suggested.

“You could join me, if you like,” Will offered. “Pinkie Pie’s going to teach me how to make cupcakes tomorrow.”

Scootaloo’s glare entered its final form as a surprised grimace. “You’re from another world, and you’re gonna learn how to make cupcakes here? Seriously?”

“No, of course not seriously; for fun. Because that is the Funtasian way.” Will jutted his chest forward, smiling and beaming with pride.

Apple Bloom’s left eye twitched. “The Fun-tasian way? Really?”

“That sounds like a great idea!” Sweetie Belle jumped up. “We could finally just do something for fun and not worry about getting our cutie marks for once. Maybe if we stop worrying about it so much, we’ll figure out something better to do. Besides, it might work better the second time.”

Scootaloo gulped. “Second time for you, maybe. I’ve never tried baking anything.”

“Then it’s settled, Lieu of Scooter: tomorrow you learn how to make cupcakes with me and your friends. I’m sure it’ll be fun,” Will offered. “But what is there to do in the meantime? I’m still not sure how the other teenagers in town spend their time, aside from working, I suppose.”

The Crusaders all looked at each other, lost for words. Truth be told, they weren’t sure how teenagers spent their time in Ponyville, either, mostly because as far as they knew, teenagers didn’t spend any time in Ponyville to begin with. Ponyville ponies, as far as the girls could tell by appearances, just went from school age to adulthood, and if there was a stage in between, they hadn’t seen it yet.

Fortunately, right at that moment, an orange mare with a Stetson hat popped her head through the doorway. “Howdie, girls. Hope you don’t mind I sent Will here over to ya.”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “It’s fine. We know what we’re going to do tomorrow, but we still don’t have any ideas for today.”

Applejack chanced a glance to Will. Will shrugged at the mare.

“Uhuh,” Applejack started. “And Will, you don’t mind hangin’ out with a bunch of little girls?”

“Why not? All the older ones are busy. Rainbow Dash said she had to help water a field of rice somewhere, Fluttershy said she had to negotiate with a beaver, and when I walked in on Rarity, she was using her magic to wave around lots and lots of sharp objects.” He winced in fear.

“Oh, right. You do kinda risk getting stung or cut if you distract her when she’s busy.”

Will shook his head. “Oh, no, I’m fine with that. I have my own magic to deal with that kind of threat. I just didn’t like the idea of her trying a dress out on me. She looked like she had plans.”

“Good thinking. Well, if the girls can’t help you out… I forgot to ask, actually: are you a prince or royalty back where you’re from?”

Will shrugged. “It’s complicated. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I’ve got a lot of apple trees that need harvesting, and I can always do with an extra set of hooves. You wouldn’t have to buck anything or climb, but havin’ somepony pick up the strays and carry the buckets around would help.”

“We could do that!” Scootaloo jumped in front of the Filly.

“That’s awful kind of you, Scootaloo, but you know just as well as I do that’s too heavy for a little filly like you. You’d be plum tuckered out after three rounds, and I ain’t havin’ that on my conscience. Rainbow Dash would never let me hear the end of it. But what about you, Will? You feel like looking around some more?”

Will smiled at the mare. “I think I’ve seen enough of Ponyville for one day, thank you. I’d be happy to help out on the orchard. I’ve never seen so many fruit trees in one place, actually.”

Applejack chuckled as she escorted the boy out. “Really? You don’t have fields and orchards where you’re from?”

“Umm, actually, now that you mention it, I’m not so sure. Part of my memory isn’t all here, so maybe.”

Applejack nodded and led him to the orchard where she working. A good bit of physical work would help, even if it was just for his dream body. If what Twilight had said was true, Will was just as real in their world as Applejack was, which meant he had the same basic needs of food, breath, and exercise.

His mental health was what worried her, though. Even as she directed him around the orchard, she noticed the look in his eyes. It was the same look she’d seen in Twilight: worry, shame, panic. Like clockwork, it was that look that preceded Twilight doing something exceptionally silly, exceptionally dumb, sometimes even hurtful. Applejack’s failure to recognise that look had even gotten her and her friends into some hot water.

And yet this Will character didn’t seem quite as highly strung as Twilight, just distracted by something. He didn’t strike Applejack as being a worrywort of any kind. She idly wondered if there was anything that separated Fillies from ponies in their outlook on life.

Maybe there was a difference in perspective.

Twilight rubbed her sore head. Her nose caught the scent of something sweet, doughy, and soft.

“Blueberry muffin?” Pinkie Pie offered.

Twilight welcomed the sweet treat. Her brain practically cried out in thanks for the hit of sugar. “Thank you, Pinkie Pie. How’s Will doing?”

“He’s doing pretty well. How are you doing?”

Twilight put the muffin down and returned to her studies. “I’m trying to work on a more advanced teleportation spell, one that can reverse a chaos magic sigil. So far, it’s not going so well.”

Part of Pinkie Pie squeed with joy, because that meant her new friend could stay for a little while longer. Another part of her winced in sympathy, because this meant her other friend was going to put herself through a lot of unnecessary stress.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about a thing, Twilight. I think I’ve found out why Will is here.”

“Really? That’s great. What is it, then? Did he travel here to find a high-level spell he couldn’t find on his homeworld? Is he seeking revenge on a usurper to his throne? Is his world under threat?”

Pinkie took a deep breath, mostly to try and get Twilight to do the same. “No, Twilight, nothing like that.”

“Then what is it? Why would he risk coming here just to learn something?”

Pinkie Pie considered telling Twilight the truth then and there. Given the circumstances, though, it would only cause heartache for everypony, and every Filly, involved. “It’s nothing, Twilight. It’s nothing important. There aren’t any worlds at stake, or super-duper spells. It’s just a silly Filly having fun, that’s all.”

Twilight’s ears drooped. “Oh. Well, that’s just dandy.”

Pinkie Pie winced. “Maybe you should take a break, Twilight. Next thing you know, you’re gonna send yourself back through time again just to try and relax.”

Twilight’s jaw clenched at that. A glimmer of anger flashed through the alicorn’s eyes, but it didn’t last. It didn’t need to. Pinkie Pie knew enough now.

Twilight groaned. “You’re right, I do need a break. If you’re sure it’s not important.”

Pinkie Pie put up her best smile. “You just enjoy your muffin, Twilight, and I’ll handle Will. It’s not important enough for you to worry about.”

Twilight’s expression finally lightened up as she dug into the muffin with full abandon. Pinkie Pie felt her heart sink.

This was bigger than cupcakes.

Author's Note

Normally I'd be complaining about the lack of exposure this fic is getting, but on the other hand this does answer one question regarding the original fiction I had planned: people like my stories because it's close to ponies. A story that is a crossover doesn't get as much attention because it's a crossover. So if I do want to write something original, it needs to either remind people of the good stuff in pony or it needs one heck of a hook to draw readers in. So really, my looking into better cover art was a good move.

Next chapter is the final one.

Scootaloo? Oh yeah, Scootaloo's in this story, too. Fancy that *moves along*

If anyone wants to remark that there are teenagers in the show now, I'd kindly like to point out that a) this predates Season 4, b) they'd have to be teenagers confirmed to be Ponyvillian, and c) they'd have to be on screen with the CMC to count. Also, the term 'teenager' is used to refer to mid to late teens here, starting around 14-ish. I don't consider Ben 10 a teenager until the second series.

The phrase "It's not important enough for you to worry about" is one Im kind of proud of. It's the sort of thing I'd reckon the show might add one day if Pinkie and Twilight ever have their emergencies coincide. Or something.

Filly Cupcakes Made With Real Filly.

Filly Cupcakes Made With Real Filly.

The air in Sugarcube Corner was heavy with anticipation, pastry, and the smell of one sporting little girl who’d forgotten to shower that morning. The Cutie Mark Crusaders would undoubtedly never say to one another that they smelled, or even single out one of their own, but as they got ready to prepare some faerie cakes with their Faerie Filly friend, for the sake of equality they considered adding a bylaw to their rules that before any endeavour, all Cutie Mark Crusaders should apply a little spritz of deodorant under the wings.

Nevertheless, Pinkie Pie put on her baking cap and and cleared her throat to start the lesson. “Okay, girls -- and Will -- we have our ingredients stocked, locked, and ready to rock. How do we start?”

They all looked at the table in front of them. There was butter, some eggs, flour, lemons, gummy worms, potato chips, cola, and a creature that looked like a kangaroo rat with a lightning bolt on its tail.

“Raichu?” The thing asked.

No sooner had Pinkie Pie turned her head, and the thing disappeared into a white light before flashing out of existence altogether.

Scootaloo stared at the empty space. “Will, what was that?”

“I have no idea. Whatever it was, I’m pretty sure we don’t have those on my world.”

Pinkie Pie frowned. “We’d better hurry; I think Twilight might be closer to banishing you than we thought. So, what do we do first, girls?”

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked to Apple Bloom. The filly shrugged. “What?”

Sweetie Belle nodded towards the table.” You’ve done this before, you start.”

“Honestly, I don’t remember that much of making cupcakes. All I know is you need to take a cup of flour and you’re not supposed to put any lemons in it. Besides that, I only really remember a song.”

Will raised his eyebrow. “You took a baking lesson, and all you remember is a song?”

“Yup. It went by really fast, too.”

The Filly nodded knowingly. “Oh, right, I know what you mean. I’m not sure if I remember sleeping at all, or if the houses in town all stayed in the same spot compared to yesterday. It’s almost like this place has no sense of continuit-”

“-Let’s just get started making cupcakes, shall we?” Pinkie Pie interrupted. “The first thing you need to do is preheat the oven so it’s nice and toasty once the cupcakes go in.”

“Okay, what next?”

Will stared intently at the small bundles of pastry. The Cutie Mark Crusaders stared as well.

“So you start with preheating the oven, heat up some butter, sift flour into the butter, and whisk beaten eggs into it. If it splits, it needs more flour, right?”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yup. Then you just put them into the oven. Easy, right?”

Scootaloo nodded. “Easy peasy.”

Will ceased his intent staring and glared at Pinkie Pie. “And how long did this take, exactly?”

“About half an hour. Why do you ask?”

“Are you sure half an hour just passed? Because it feels like only a few seconds passed to me. It’s almost like time just bends around whatever you’re doing, especially when you start singi-”

“-Let’s decorate those cupcakes, shall we?” Pinkie Pie interrupted.

“And come to think of it, how is this okay with the owners? Did you pay them any mone-”

“-Here’s some frosting!”

Will gave up. Reason had no place in this land, and all the Homos who wanted to invade it could keep it for all he cared. As long as they didn’t bother his new friends, of course.

The girls took the spatulas from Pinkie and went to work coating the tops of their cupcakes in frosting. Will furrowed his brow.

“What’s wrong?” Scootaloo asked.

“I don’t know. What are you supposed to do to decorate these things?”

“Paint something on it,” Apple Bloom suggested. “Like apples.” She showed off her drawing skills, having put a red coat on the top of hers in an apple shape.

“Yeah, just put on something that’s, you know, you. Like musical notes.” Sweetie Belle held up one of her own, which had a chocolate musical note on it.

“Something you like very much. Like a scooter.” Scootaloo held up hers, which showed a grey kick scooter with white wheels.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle frowned. Scootaloo shrugged. “What? I miss my scooter, okay? Sheesh.”

Will turned his attention back to the bare cupcakes. “Make it something that’s really me, huh? Like putting in a piece of myself?”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Not literally a piece of yourself, silly. Nopony likes getting hairs on their cupcakes, unless it’s a cotton candy hair. Ooh, do Faerie Fillies have cotton candy hair?”

“No, but I think I might know something that’d make it a Filly Faerie cake.” Will caught a look at some sugared mint leaves. He cut them in the shape of his wings, before applying a first layer of white frosting to his cakes. With expert brush strokes, he applied a second layer, this one golden.

The girls leaned in, ooh-ing at Will’s sudden and very much unexpected craftsponyship, or craftsfillyship, or craftsfaerieship. There wasn’t any pony with a dictionary cutie mark around to tell.

“I thought you said you weren’t that good with artsy stuff, Will?” Pinkie asked.

“I’m not. I’m just trying to make it look good.” Will added some red dots on top of the gold, to complete the resemblance to his crown. Once that was done, he pushed in the wing-shaped mint leaves. “There. That looks all right, doesn’t it?”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “It doesn’t look finished yet. Would you give that to a girl?”

Will frowned. “Girl? What girl?”

“Any girl. Or any guy. Does that look special to you?”

Will looked the cupcakes over again. “No, I think you’re right. It does need a little something extra.”

Scootaloo dashed off and returned with a basket of cherries. “Here, put a cherry on top. That always works.”

Will did as was suggested, and smiled at the sight. “That does look a lot better.”

“I think it needs a bow,” Apple Bloom offered.

Scootaloo frowned. “A bow? Why would cupcakes need a bow?”

“Well, he wanted to make cupcakes as a present, right? Presents have bows on them.”

Will glared at Pinkie Pie for telling the girls about his reasons, but nodded. Apple Bloom put a small red bow -- one she kept as a spare, for emergencies -- on the plate of Filly Faerie cakes to complete the picture.

When it was all done, Will picked one of his cakes up and took a bite. Pinkie and the girls all followed suit when Will didn’t spit out his own work. He relished the soft, crumbly texture, the buttery flavour, and the few shots of sweetness when he hit the frosting.

“This is pretty good,” Will said. “What do you think, Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie Pie smiled and tried one. “Hmm, I think they’re just perfect.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked to their flanks after trying their own treats, and Will’s. Apple Bloom groaned. “Still no cutie marks, though.”

Will looked at the bottoms of his front hooves. “And I’m still here. I haven’t woken up yet. Maybe it wasn’t cupcakes I wanted to learn about.”

Pinkie Pie sighed. “I know it’s not, Will. There’s something you need to know, and I’m pretty sure that’ll wake you up.”

“Okay, then, say it. Why aren’t I awake yet?”

Pinkie gulped and flashed him a nervous smile. “I’m serious, Will. If you really want me to say it, you’re gonna be out of here pretty fast. Are you sure you want to hear it?”

The girls circled around him.

Will nodded. “Yes, please.”

Pinkie Pie bit her lower lip. “How old do you think Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake are?”

“Umm, numbers don’t really work right for me, not in this world.”

Pinkie nodded and nudged him gently. “Just guess. How old, by your standards?”

Will thought it over for a moment. “Umm, babies, right? Not old enough to go to school yet?”

“Right. And Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Rumble? How old do you think they are?”

The girls all smiled brightly at him.

“I’d guess they’re school age, but very basic school, still? They learn how to count and read, and they do chores but they don’t have jobs to do?”

One by one, the Cutie Mark Crusaders nodded.

Pinkie Pie nodded in kind. “Good. How old are you, by your own standards?”

Will shrugged. “Not really a child anymore, not really an adult. I’m in still in school, but I’m allowed to do a little bit of work. For money, I mean.”

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. “And how old do you think I am?”

The girls tensed up and looked to Pinkie Pie. There was a sense of realisation that fell over them.

“Same as me. Same as your friends, right?”

The girls were taken aback by that.

Pinkie Pie let that breath out in a deep sigh. “Will, I’m a grownup.”

“What?”

The mare looked him in the eyes, and did her best to sound as calm and collected as she could. “I’m a grownup. I’m old enough to live on my own, get a job, even get married. I’m older than you, Will, old enough to be your teacher. And so are my friends.”

Will shook his head in confusion. “But that can’t be right. You can’t be a grownup; you’re fun.”

Scootaloo frowned. “You don’t think grownups can have fun?”

“Well, no, how could they? They’ve got to take care of food, and money, and finding the right Filly to spend their lives with. They can’t have fun on top of all that.”

Pinkie Pie smiled in sympathy. “Maybe where you’re from, but I doubt it. I think maybe that’s why that spell you cast landed you here. You’re not scared of not making any friends; you’ve only been here for a few days and you already made friends. You’re just scared, period.”

Will grunted. “You’re wrong.”

Apple Bloom patted him on the back. “It’s okay, Will. Lotsa ponies get scared. Why, Fluttershy’s scared of her own shadow sometimes, and she’s an Element of Harmony.”

Will groaned and let his head hang dejectedly. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. But what am I supposed to do about it? You can’t just tell me not to worry about growing up; if it was that easy, I’d be doing it.”

Scootaloo pondered it for a moment. “Well, you can’t keep telling yourself it’s not gonna work. That’s just making excuses not to try anything at all. It’s one thing to think you can’t do something new, but it’s not the same as trying not to do anything just because you’re scared.” Her advice sounded like an echo, oddly enough, like the kind of thing somepony would be telling her one day when she’d forgotten.

Sweetie Belle nodded. “Uhuh. You just have to keep your head up high and try your best.”

“And what do I do when I feel scared? How do you deal with that?”

The girls had no answer to it. Pinkie Pie, however, did.

She put a cannon on his shoulder to comfort him. “Whenever you worry about money, or being alone, or feeling dumb, just do what I do.”

“What?”

“Smile.”

"Smile?"

Pinkie Pie nodded. "Smile. It won't make the problem go away, but, um, it helps make the fear go away. And when you're not as scared, it's a lot easier to make the problem go away, too."

Will felt her words go into his mind. Something about them resonated with him, awakening parts of his magic he hadn’t realised were there. The telltale sound of a blue box travelling through space, the thrum and hum of an extradimensional travel, filled the room.

Will smiled as he faded. “I think that might work. Thanks, Pinkie Pie. You really are the smartest pony around here. See you around, girls.”

With that, he was gone. No trace of him remained, not even a crumb that had gotten stuck on his mouth.

“Scootaloo, are you crying?” Apple Bloom asked.

The pegasus filly wiped her eyes. “No, I’m not! It’s hot in here and my eyes are sweaty!”

“You mean like the rest of you? Pee-yew, Scootaloo, you need a shower.” Sweetie Belle waved her hoof in front of her nose.

“I already told you: I’m not used to walking as much, okay?”

Pinkie didn’t interrupt the argument. She had done what she’d needed to do, and given a Funtasian Faerie Filly a much-needed pep-talk. In the end, it was nothing more than an acute case of teenage angst. He’d make plenty of friends, though, surely, same as Rainbow Dash or Scootaloo had. And even if he didn’t think he was as special as they were, he would at least be able to stand proudly among them, and cheer them up in their weakest hours.

And given said friends would also be teenagers with their own issues, one of the issues being magic, there’d be a weakest hour about once a week, probably.

Yes, Will would be fine. Pinkie Pie could rest easily.

Then again, it wouldn’t hurt to do a check-up on him, right?

“Honestly, Will, I don’t see how you managed to pass that sigil test,” Rose started. A pink Unicorn Filly with a white mane and tail, both decorated with her titular flowers, she was something of a magic geek, but not the competent kind. She knew the obscure magics better than anyone in class, but the deceptively simple task of turning her classmates into frogs was still beyond her. On top of that, her voice was always calm and collected, sounding far too adult for her age, so much so it was unsettling at times. Still, she wasn’t grating to listen to, once one got used to it.

“I don’t see how you managed to fail that,” Will retorted. “It’s one of the easiest forms of chaos magic there is.”

“But it’s still chaos magic. That’s hard no matter how you look at it,” Lynn, a dark pink Filly Witchy with an orange and white mane and tail, argued. As a Wind Witchy Filly, she wore a green cape that held her magic, but so far no one had really seen her properly demonstrate any of her skills. It didn’t seem to bother her much, though. Scootaloo would have liked her, Will felt. They even sounded alike, though Will hadn’t spotted Lynn trying any kind of racing just yet.

“I guess. So what’s our next class?” Will asked.

Rose’s magic held a note in front her face as the trio strode down the corridors. “Classical warfare.”

Will winced. “Oh no, Cedric’s gonna get out his rapier again, isn’t he? I swear, if it wasn’t for the safeties, he’d poke so many holes in me I’d look like a changeling.”

“What’s a changeling?” Lynn asked.

“Never mind. Who’s the professor? Twilight again?”

“It says here we have three different parts of the course, and each one has a separate teacher. It says here Twilight’s going to teach us magical defense, and then Twilight will teach us the history of magical warfare.” Rose furrowed her brow in confusion.

Will frowned and looked at the note just as they were about to exit the hall. “Really? It says Twilight twice? What’s the third part?”

They went out into the courtyard where their warfare lesson would be. Several things became apparent to the Fillies then.

Firstly, they were early. None of their other classmates were present yet.

Secondly, today’s lesson, and the third part of the course in general, would involve artillery, more specifically cannons.

Thirdly, Miss Twilight had brought another teacher along. Miss Twilight was, of course, a teacher at the Royal Academy, and a Faerie Filly, though her wings looked more like leaves than Will’s did, veins and everything. She was green, had a blonde tail and a mane that was done up to make her look taller, she had dark purple hooves, and she wore glasses. She also had a white eight-pointed star on her forehead. In short, she looked nothing like Twilight Sparkle, the purple pony with wings and horn Will had met on his dream voyage.

And he could examine the differences quite clearly, because standing right next to Twilight was Twilight. Twilight was busy explaining something to Twilight when she spotted the three friends.

“Come along, now. This is Princess Twilight Sparkle, but if I understand correctly she’s still just a Miss Sparkle by our standards. She’ll be teaching you about warfare history. Don’t mind her physique; she is from the magical land of Equestria and she’s assured me her body shape is considered normal there. Even the gangly legs and the bulging egg-shaped eyes.”

“Hi,” the alicorn greeted. “Yes, it seems there are quite a few differences between our worlds. Now, Twilight, what were you saying about giant attacks?”

Twilight nodded. “Oh, yes, that’s part of what this class is for. Some of our students have royal obligations, military ones, and they need to know what to do in case of a giant attack.”

“What kind of giant attack?” Twilight asked again.

“Just any giant attack, really,” Twilight answered casually.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “And by ‘giant attack’ you mean, what exactly?”

“A giant,” Twilight explained,” attacking.”

“A giant what?” Twilight asked, confused.

“Attacking,” Twilight replied, questioning the girl’s credentials for the fifth time that day. Truth be told, she was starting to think Equestrians would just put a crown on anyone, and coming from a Funtasian that was a very powerful sentiment.

“No, I mean a giant what? A giant spider? A giant dog? A giant centipede?” Twilight persisted.

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “A giant giant.”

The three Filly friends watched the scene unfold.

“Hey, Will!” A figure jumped into existence right next to the black Filly.

“Gah! Pinkie Pie? What are you doing here?”

Pinkie pointed to the artillery line. “I’m here to teach you how to handle cannons, silly!” She winced when she got a close look at his face. "Hey, what happened to your eyebrow?"

Will touched his left eyebrow with a hoof. His eyebrow seemed cut in half. "Oh, that? That's just a scar, it doesn't hurt that much. It just itches."

"What happened?"

"Nothing, Pinkie Pie. I've had it for years, I guess I just forgot about it in that dream thing."

The light pink Unicorn Filly regarded the pink pony. “You’re a certified teacher?” Rose asked.

“Well, I am certified, and I am a teacher, so yeah!” Pinkie replied cheerfully. “Who are your friends, Will?”

Will waved a hoof towards the Filly fillies flanking him. “This is Rose and Lynn. Rose is a Unicorn Filly, and Lynn is a Witchy Filly. You can tell by the horn and the cape, you see. Rose, Lynn, this is Pinkie Pie. She’s that figment of my imagination I told you about.”

The girls didn’t reply. Their brains were too busy trying to work out exactly how many rules of reality this mare was breaking just with her presence. For Pinkie Pie, it was par for the course.

“So you’re real?” Rose finally managed to ask. “And you’re an Equestrian?”

“Yup!” Pinkie Pie replied with a cheer. “I’m from the magical land of Equestria, just like Twilight. Well, not the sparkly one. Oh, Will, I just remembered: Scootaloo and her friends wanted me to give you a message.”

“Really? What’s the message?”

“She said she wanted you to know she’s found a way to fly, even if her wings are too small for now.”

“Oh, she figured it out? What did she do?”

Right at that moment, three of the cannons fired, sending three little girls hurtling towards the target set up at the other end of the courtyard.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS LIVING CANNONBALLS YAY!”

Lynn and Rose stood flabbergasted as, somehow, the girls landed unharmed. The helmets may have had something to do with it.

Rose turned to Lynn. As was her habit, she stated the obvious. “These Equestrians are crazy.”

Will chuckled. “Well, you can’t really blame them. They do come from a very, very silly place.”

Author's Note

Let's see here... the 'giant giants' joke is from a comic called Melisande, or Mélusine in French. It's either a Belgian comic or a French one, I forget. The idea that Will can't tell how old Pinkie is is a remark on how some bronies like to argue about the ages of the Mane 6, as well as a nice bit of character.

If you don't know why there is a Raichu on Pinkie's table, that just means you haven't seen me in other places.

The 'my eyes are sweaty' line, I got from the Spongebob Squarepants movie. I may have missed something in translation, since it was the Dutch dubbed version. I have not seen that movie in full, either, though what I did see I quite liked as an absurd comedy.

This is now my least read story so far. I'm guessing this is partly due to it being somewhat of a trollfic, with a few basic rules of show vs tell broken. Not deliberately, either, that's just the mindset I was in while writing this. I wrote this before I saw S4 and while I was pondering if bronydom in general wasn't going the wrong way. Truth be told, I've since come to the conclusion that bronydom as a concept is just flawed, and we should be more focused on being a positive force in the world instead of letting moral crusaders and rabid fans affect policy. Despite my lack of practice, I still hold chaoist views close to my heart, and will immanentise the Eschaton where I can.

And if that means poking light of the community that's given me so much feedback, so be it.

In short, this fic is not me biting the hand that feeds me. It's giving said hand a gross lick to cover it in slobber: well-intended, done with love, but probably leaves the hand feeling dirty and awkward anyways.

Now go wash your hands.