Soldier Gets In A Pony War

by Lord Faggot

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Big Macintosh, Random, Bulk Biceps, Crossover, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 2258

RED Soldier from TF2 gets teleported to Equestria to help win a war.

What happens when a crazy American soldier who thinks it's WW2 gets teleported to Equestria? Well I have the answers here!

YOU WILL READ THIS WORD VIDEO MAGGOTS!

(Cover art made by me in MS Paint.)

Published 2014-08-04 01:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-04 20:13:57 UTC

Dear god...

Author's Note

YOU MAGGOTS BETTER HAIL THIS BEFORE I KILL YOU ALL MAGGOTS!

So I've recently been playing TF2 again after a 2 year GMod only thing. I have like... 776+ hours on GMod. TF2 I have 320 hours...

Anyways you MAGGOTS better get reading this word video.

Dear god...

Soldier was ready to kill some BLU maggots when the alarm sounds!

INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! ???????? IN THE BASE! Of course, Soldier was first to hear.
"The alarm doesn't know what maggot invaded us!? Dear god..." Soldier says to himself, if the alarm doesn't know what class intruded them, shit's going to go down.
"HEAVY IS HERE TO HELP! WHO IS INTRUDING!?" Heavy Shout/asks Soldier. Heavy knew this was important.
"It doesn't say, maggot! We're all going to die!" Soldier screams in Heavy's face, then scout runs in!
"So I just shot this purple horse and then it disappeared! What's up with that?" Scout wonders. Soldier respond with;
"We do not know, thinman! This technology is refusing to tell us!" Soldier turns to the board and starts banging on the control panel.
"TELL US YOU MACHINE! MAGGOT!" Soldier continues to shout at the computer.
"Are ve ok? Is ze threat gone?" It's medic! And he's asking a pretty angry Soldier.
"It teleported away! IT. CAN. TELEPORT. MAGGOT." Soldier grabs his shovel and bashes his head with it multiple times, but then his shovel is taken out of his hands!
"Spy... Give Soldier his shovel back. He's mad." Scout tells the air.
"I am not holding a shovel, and why are you asking the air dimwit?" Spy uncloaks behind Scout and the shovel is still floating around while Soldier is trying to grab it.
"vhat is taking his shovel then?" Medic asks Spy.
"I... Do not know. Perhaps Scout does." Spy gestures towards Scout.
"Do you know, Scout?" Spy asks Scout.
"Uh... No?" Scout replies nervously.
"WHAT IS TAKING MY SHOVEL AWAY, SALLY!?" Soldier demands Scout to answer.
"... Magic. It's magic." As soon as Scout finishes his sentence, everyone starts laughing.
"And what has this magic?" Spy continues to ask Scout.
"Unicorns." Everyone starts laughing even more, but then there's a bright flash and Soldier's gone!
"WHERE IS SOLDIER!?" Heavy shouts at Scout.
"Magic. I told you, man! Unicorns with magic!" Scout keeps telling everyone in the room the same thing.
"Scout. Stop playing around!" Spy begins to strangle Scout.

Meanwhile with Soldier...

"WHAT IS THIS!? WHERE AM I?!" Soldier is holding Princess Cadence by the neck.
"You're... You're in Equestria..." Cadence manages to say and then Soldier let's her go.
"What is Equestria, maggot!?" Soldier keeps asking questions.
"YOU HAVE BEEN SENT HERE TO HELP WITH A WAR!" Cadence shouts and then Soldier starts to laugh.
"I am the best at war! You have selected the right man for the job, Sally! Now what exactly are you maggot?" Soldier asks.
"I'm Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire." Cadence answers.
"That doesn't answer my question. WHAT. ARE. YOU!?" Soldier starts shaking Cadence. A lot.
"I'm an Alicorn! Pegasus Unicorn and Earth pony!" Cadence tries to say.
"Is everything here a pony, Sally!?" Soldier demands to know.
"Yes... Well, mostly..." Cadence starts to talk but Soldier drops her and runs off, eventually finding a royal guard.
"Where is your war room, maggot!" Before the guard starts saying anything, Soldier sees a loaf of bread and pushes the guard to the floor and runs to the bread.
"Dear god... BREAAAAAAAD!" Soldier grabs the bread and begins to eat.
"Such good food! THIS... THIS IS ART!" Soldier finishes the food and remembers what he was doing, he runs back and pushes the guard to the floor again trying to find the war room.

Meanwhile in RED base...

"So, Scout... Let me get this straight... You like, ponies?" Spy asks, for about the hundreth time.
"For about the hundreth time, YES!" Scout tells Spy.

THE END OF CURRENT CHAPTER MAGGOTS

War Tactics

War Tactics

Soldier was still looking for the war room. And bread. Mostly bread. But then he saw a sign out of the corner of his eye, 'War Room'! He found it!
"Finally! Now to talk some sense into these equine maggots." Soldier says to himself, then bursts through the doors, startling everypony inside!
"What in Tartarus!? Who... Or rather, WHAT are you!?" Shining Armor gets up and shout asks Soldier.
"I am Soldier! The best war man you've ever seen, cupcake!" Soldier responds to Shining Armor.
"Cupcake? What?... I am the captain of the Royal Guard and the prince of this kingdom!" Shining Armor gets up and slowly trots over to Soldier in a confident matter.
"If you think you have a better idea of beating changelings in a war, you better say it... Thingy!" Shining pokes Soldier in the chest with his top right hoof between every 2 words.
"Get your filthy hooves off of my American outfit! And of course I can beat mangelengs in a war! I. AM. THE. BEST. AT. WARRING. MAGGOT!" Soldier tells at Shining Armor and pushes him to the floor and takes his shovel off his belt, ready to bash him around the head.
"Ok, ok! I'll let you have control here..." Shining Armor crawls away and out the room.

Meanwhile in Sweet Apple Acres...

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Big Mac grabs the alarm clock and throws it on the floor, smashing it. But then Big Mac sees a flashing sign that says; 'COME TO WAR ROOM'. Big Mac knows what to do, he pushes a button to his side and a hold opens in front of him, he jumps in and are put in war uniform by machinery as he slides down the tunnel until he falls into the Crystal Empire's war room somehow.
"ARE YOU THE ONE THEY CALL BIG MAC, SALLY!?" Soldier yells at Big Mac.
"Eeyup." Big Mac responds and Soldier pushes him into a chair.
"Are there any others that can come here, you pony maggot!?" He asks Shining Armor, who is strapped to his chair magically.
"Hit that button to your right to bring Bulk Biceps..." Shining Armor tells Soldier and then Soldier hits the button.

Meanwhile in the gym...

A big light comes on saying; YEAH YOU'RE NEEDED IN A WAR BULKY BOY! Bulk Biceps hits the button next to him and the same thing happens to him that happened to Big Mac and he falls into the Crystal Empire war room somehow.
"ARE YOU THE ONE THEY CALL BULK BICEPS, CUPCAKE!?" Soldier yells at Bulk Biceps.
"YEAH!" Bulk Biceps shouts back at Soldier.
"Now that our amazing team is gathered here, I'd like to tell you all something..." Soldier sits Bulk Biceps into a chair.
"If what you're about to do results in fighting then you must FIGHT! Sun Tzu said that, and I think he knows a little more about fighting than YOU do pal," he points at Shining Armor, ", because he invented it! And he perfected it so no living man could beat him in the ring of honour! Then he used his fight money to buy TWO of every animal on Earth, hurdled then onto a boat, then beat the crap out of every single one. Neheheheheh. Now every time a bunch of animals are together it's called a ZOO!," he turns to Big Mac, ", unless it's a farm!" Soldier finishes talking.
"Can we talk tactics now?" Shining Armor asks Soldier but Soldier just turns to him and says;
"Shut your grass eating mouth, Sally!"
"My name's not..." Shining Armor tries to say something else but Soldier knocks him out with his shovel.
"Anyone else want to speak up?" Soldier asks the group, they all shake their heads.
"Good! Now to beat these Mangelengs..." Soldier starts going into advanced military tactics for hours.

5 hours later...

"Alright maggots, you got that?" Soldier asks the group.
"Eeyup." Big Mac answers.
"Good. Because I'm not going to repeat that, because for the love of god, the fate of America I mean Equestria rests on our hands hooves!" Soldier announces and everypony is confused at what America is.
"Now... We move out!" Soldier storms out the war room and outside the castle.

Author's Note

This one took a while to think about, my inspiration for this chapter actually came from when I was playing Silent Sniper X at an arcade in Skegness. The arcade was called Planet Fun.

WWWAAARRR

It carried on for so long. The changelings called it the "Royal Struggle" whilst the rest of Equestria called it "The Strange Battle". Soldier called it "Just Another Tuesday". Whatever anypony called it, it was certainly a battle to remember.

Meanwhile in the RED base...

"Alright, everybody, on the count of 3! 1... 2... 3" Spy shouts and then everybody sings the My Little Pony theme song, and when they finished, they teleported! The trip was crazy... Everybody was sick at least once. Eventually they got there... Right in the place where a Changeling just exploded!
"What the hell!?" Exclaims Scout, confused at what the hell is going on.
"Maggots? You're all here!? Have you all come to help me murder all these mangelengs?" Asks Soldier, then Heavy replies with;
"YES! EVERYBODY KILL EVERYTHING!" Heavy screams.
"Just kill the dark back insect creatures with blue eyes! Those are the mangelengs. The small horses are our allies, maggots!" Soldier informs the group and then they get to work, mowing down every changeling in their sight. But then...
"Stop killing us all! I promise we'll stop..." Chrysalis comes from the sky.
"And who are you, maggot!? And why are you different to the others!?" Soldier shouts at Chrysalis, his shovel ready.
"I am Queen Chrysalis, the queen of the changelings! And I beg of you to stop." Chrysalis tells Soldier. Soldier whips out his shovel and bangs her on the head with it. Then Big Mac comes out of nowhere and says;
"Nnope." Then goes off to fight some more changelings with Bulk Biceps.
"We have beaten the mengeleng leader, maggots! Now we hunt down the rest and kill them all! Neheheheheheheh." Soldier says to the group and they all go on fighting.

Meanwhile in RED base...

INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT BLU SPY IS IN THE BASE!
Nobody seems to come for them.
"I don't think anybody is here. You can all come out." BLU spy tells his teammates and they come out from cover.

Meanwhile with Soldier...

"I need some help, maggots!" Soldier shouts to his teammates and Bulk Biceps comes over and beats the crap out of half of the changelings.
"YEAH!" Bulk Biceps screams into the last changeling, who explodes from how loud that YEAH was.
"Good job, Sally. Now get back to your targets!" He shouts at Bulk Biceps.

6 hours later...

Gentlemaggots, we have won over the mengelengs and get to live too see the light of day! Now how do I get home? My bread is missing me." Soldier assesses his choices until Scout says;
"Sing the My Little Pony theme song backwards." They all sing it backwards and get back to RED base to find that there's nothing there. Not even their computers or chairs or anything. Just the building.
"Dear god..." Soldier says.
"IT IS TIME TO KILL BLU! TO WAR!" Heavy shouts.
"Wait... Where are the others?" Scout asks.
"Demoman's drunk in a bar, pyro is busy in wonderland, engineer is building stuff, sniper is holidaying in Australia and I think that's it." Spy answers, and then they all run towards BLU base, it's time to have another war. Then Soldier screams while bashing his shovel on his head;
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Author's Note

Thanks for sticking with me on this journey.

Ok, story review time.

This story was originally going to be a quick project that I thought of while drunk, but decided to make it full-scale.
Originally it was going to be Heavy in Equestria but what the hell Soldier is more popular.
I was going to have loads of bread jokes but one is enough.

And that's it.

Goodbye!

Prepping

In RED base...

"Scout... So, to get to this Equestria we need to be teleported by one of the Alicorn princesses?" Spy asks Scout, who is getting irritated at all the questions.
"YES! God, are you stupid!?" Scout responds, getting more and more irritated.
"And hov vill ve get zem to take us zere?" Medic asks, looking around for any trace of Soldier.
"Er... I... Don't... Know..." Scout answers.

Meanwhile on an Equestrian battle field...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE NO GUNS IN EQUESTRIA!?" Soldier screams at Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, or Cadence if you will.
"There's no such thing on this whole planet." She responds.
"Luckily I brought my rocket launcher, Sally!" Soldier reaches for his rocket launcher and finds it, gets it off his back and onto his shoulder.
"YOU SEE THIS, MAGGOT!? This is our ticket to victory!" Soldier shouts at Cadence.
"Okay, okay! I'll leave you to war, seems like it's your thing..." Cadence says and is then pushed to the floor by Soldier who is laughing to himself and walking towards the actual war part of the battlefield.

An hour of pep talking later...

"Er... Sir, I don't think this is--" The guard's sentence is cut short by Soldier holding him up by his neck.
"What did you say, maggot!?" Soldier shout asks the guard.
"N-n-n-nothing... Soldier sir..." The guard replies and then Soldier let's go of him... It's go time.