of heart and mind

my little pony is a fictional cartoon show, always has been, always will be.

my name is Jon, i live a simple life, nothing special. I spend my free time on the internet. i have an average job, average home, and an average family. Nothing out-of the ordinary has ever happened to me. No: fights, successes, deaths, near death experiences.  i just live my life one day at a time. I current live with my friend at his parents house. His parent live pretty close to town so getting back and fourth to work isn't too hard. That’s why I'm here. My parents are divorced, yet they both live way out of town so getting to work was too difficult. I have always tried to find meaning in my life, something to give me purpose. I tried hundreds of hobbies, all of which i became average at, none satisfied my hunger. As for my potential career after school,it has changed many times. always pointing toward astronomy. Trying to find some other world, some place where i can go, and find a purpose. I have fallen in love with movies and books that deplicted other worlds. Avatar and John carter, became two of my favorites, showing normal characters that were thrown into a new world, a place where they truly belonged. If only i could be them. I'm transsexual, or i want to be of the other gender. i don't know if i truly believe this any more, or if it's just for the hope that i will see this world in a new light, a new place in society. That people will see me differently, but I’ve given up hope on that. Truth is i don't belong in this world. This dull, dreary, war ridden, poverty stricken- environment. the only reason i continue living my life is because society deemed it necessary. I honestly put no value in my life, i have so little purpose that my life is not necessary. I don't belong HERE.

Two months ago i discovered a new light in my life, My Little Pony Friendship is Magic. The show was a childrens' show, written for little girls. But since its fourth generation re-carnation it has become super popular amongst 18+ year old males. And No were not perverts, were normal people, living normal lives. Mlp is loved by many may it be for the appreciation for the animation or voice acting, the underlining moral, or just for the childish humor. My love for the show is quiet different though, i fell in love with everything, the people, the places, I fell in love with the WORLD. It took me several weeks to discover it, but i had finally found a place i BELONG. A world where i would not be help back by social anxiety, depression, or society control over my life. A place where i can truly LIVE. No wars, no poverty, no hate. I chose not to believe this at first, that i wanted to live in a world created for children, but its true.

I spend most of my life, when I'm not working, on the internet, absorbing as much "pony" as i can. Music videos books, the norm. I even "poniefy" my video games. I simply do anything i can to surround my self in that world. Unfortunately, the more i put myself in the world of mlp, the worse it gets. My depression and anxiety get worse ever day. I couldn't live without mlp, but i cant live without truly living WITH it. I'm only happy When I'm submerged in pony culture. I've distanced my friends, family, the ones who love me most. To be honest i don't really have any friends. i live with Tyler, but hes no more than a roommate. I have gotten in touch with bronie community, but they won't understand how i truly feel. no-one will. Life outside of my dreams has become, like work, in its self. i hate doing it but society once again finds it necessary. Actually life in my dreams is just as bad, because i know that i will have to wake up. Sometimes i wish i didn’t have to wake, i Wish i could sleep forever. forever, will i truly have to live like this forever, My mine and body absent from true reality, away from its true home. Like the worst story ever written, im forced to read my life one redundant page at a time. Alone, Watching an empty stage, day after day, alone.

So i awake one morning ,from having helped applejack harvest apples with my pap's tracker, to another empty day. I had work in a couple hours so i decided to go ahead and take my shower. As i stood under the warm water i contemplated my life, as i usually do.

I woke from a sort of "trance", something that happens often for me. my mind works very rapidly, like when your dreaming, but without the time stretch. so i often find myself breaching the walls of my own realty, glaring into the depths of my mind. Anyway as i drifted back to reality, i felt sort of violated, like someone was watching me. The feeling was not unusual, another side effect of my hyper-active mind is paranoia. so i continued to rinse off the soap. i wasn't sure how long i was out so i wasn't going to bother washing my hair. I turned off the water and began to step out. "HELLO"

I panicked when i herd the voice so i jumped back in the shower and covered myself with the curtain. the voice sounded familiar yet out of place. I ignored that thought, and simply said "need something?". "i just wanted to say hi". Strange but what ever

"OK Hello".

The voice sounded like twilight’s, but i knew it was Tyler’s mom.

"I’ll be out in a minute, just let me get dressed".

"OK".

So i did just that and got dressed. still in a bit of a daze i wasn't sure if the previous event had happened or not but it didn’t matter. I walked down the hallway to my room. i expected to see Tammy in the living room  but there was no one there. I shrugged the bathroom thing off,

"must have still been dreaming".

I walked into my room and sat down at my computer, to begin my per-work pony intake. I opened up the bronyland page, and noticed the first story was about rainbow dash, nothing out of the usual, everypony loves rainbow dash.

"Hey, i know that pony!",

"oh ya, cool story bro".

WAIT? WHAT?, For once my mind was only focused on one thought, Who did i just talk to?. I turned in my chair to something my mind was not ready for, twilight sparkle was sitting on my bed. I wasn't sure if what i just saw was real, so i closed my eyes and shook my head, but alas, to no avail. there still sitting on my bed was none other than twilight sparkle, the pony.