Celestia looked out her balcony at the starry night sky. Luna had just finished lowering the moon, and gave her sister a sly wink before flying off to her royal chambers. Celestia rolled her eyes. Luna'd been sending her gift-wrapped bathroom scales and books on dieting. Subtle, she was not. The eye-wink could only mean one thing, though. She was up to some sort of mischief. Well, Celestia would deal with that when it came up. Likely, it'd just be another singing doughnut. The last one she ate begged for mercy even as she gobbled it up. Luna could be very silly, indeed.
Celestia's golden hoofplates rang on the stone tiles as she walked out to start the day. They had a special tone to them, so that all the servants and dignitaries would know that it was she who was coming. She paused for a moment to breathe in the fresh air. Canterlot was built on the side of a mountain, and the winds carried up the distant scents of flowers and trees from far below. The effect was subtle, but invigorating.
Celestia was in such a good mood that she took the time to add red and gold hues to her sunrise. Low-hanging clouds were painted pink. The sun poked above the horizon, heralding the day with brilliant celestial rays. The silent sun princess smiled and admired her work. She'd done such a good job that felt like rewarding herself with cake.
“Your highness.”
Celestia turned around to see her dutiful servants bow. They'd waited until after the sunrise to call her attention, as was proper. They looked so prim and sharp in their crisp white uniforms. She nodded at them and gave them a warm smile. She couldn't wait to see what delectables they'd brought her for breakfast.
The first tray held a full pitcher of lemon-smoked canterberry coffee. It was a gift from a distant land and had an acrid, if somewhat bitter taste. Celestia poured herself a cup from the creamer and drank that instead. The servants remained stoic and professional, but they'd probably roll their eyes as soon as she turned her back.
Usually, the other trays containing her breakfast items to choose from would be here by now, but it wasn't until after they'd carried off her untouched coffee that one arrived. Oddly, the servant carrying it seemed a bit nervous. His face remained blank, but his magic wasn't steady. She raised an eyebrow and lifted the lid.
She dropped it.
Mouth agape, she saw a picture of the moon with a face drawn on it sticking its tongue out at her.
Celestia scowled. She waved her servants away. They bowed their heads and filed out.
Well, that was annoying. Celestia wanted cake. Her stomach gurgled. She was going to get cake.
So what if Luna had bribed a few servants? Canterlot was a big city, and all she had to do was walk into a shop and point at some. She walked through the halls of the palace, towards the exit, letting her steps ring in her wake.
A royal herald ran up to greet her. She was somewhat annoyed, but paused to hear him out. “Your majesty, the day court requires your presence.”
Celestia blinked. That wasn't scheduled until after breakfa-oh. She frowned. It wouldn't do to just walk out on her subjects. She had an important, symbolic role and they needed to know that she cared. She nodded at the herald and returned to her throne room. One of the servants there could, perhaps, be persuaded to bring her cake.
Celestia walked up and sat on her throne. The isle was lined with a royal guards, stiff in formation, proudly displaying the plumes on their helmets. As soon as she sat down, Celestia glanced around for a servant and waved, trying to get his attention. The first petitioner, a lime green earth pony, saw Celestia's waving and ran up to her.
“Your majesty, the zebra tribes were seen congregating on our southern border. We're afraid of hostile intent. What do you want us to do?”
Celestia ignored the petitioner and cupped her hoof to beckon the servant over.
“You want us to... invite them? Then what?”
When the servant walked up to her, Celestia outlined a multi-layered cake with her hooves.
“You want up to invite them over for cake?”
The servant repeated Celestia's actions, and she nodded.
“Invite the zebras over for cake...” The petitioner walked off thinking to herself. “A peace offering's not a bad idea, but we're going to need an awful lot of cake for that...”
Celestia never acknowledged the petitioner's existence. She eagerly awaited her servant to return with cake. When he did return with a covered tray, he kept his ears drooped and avoided Celestia's gaze. That was hardly professional, but when she lifted the lid she knew why. He'd brought her another frowny moon face.
She groaned and he quickly left on his own. So Luna had bribed all of the servants. There were still the cake shops in town, but she'd have to sit through the day court before she could safely leave or somepony would get terribly offended. Well, if she hurried she might get through them all before noon.
Sitting to attention, Celestia waved to invite the first petitioner over...
***
Day court finally came to an end, at about three in the afternoon. Celestia was starved. Sure, they'd taken breaks for snacks, but a few cups of tea and all of the frowny faces she could eat were hardly filling. That was really starting to get on her nerves.
Well, nopony could stop her from leaving now. Celestia got off her throne walked out of the palace. She was going to pick out the richest, fanciest most delectable cake that she could find and stuff it in her face. Take that, stupid diet!
***
A doorbell chimed and Celestia's large form entered the bakery. She paused to sniff the air and take in the rich aromas of cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, vanilla, and everything else that mixed together to form the world's most perfect food. She drooled.
Trotting up to the counter she–
Every shelf was empty. The display case was empty. There wasn't so much as a single scone in the entire shop. Celestia's mouth hung open and her ears drooped. She looked up at the baker who was grinning from ear to ear. Blue Frosting looked entirely too happy for a pony without any wares to sell.
“Good news, your majesty. We've shipped all of our cake off to the zebras, just as you ordered.”
Celestia blinked. When had she ordered that? Weren't the zebras planning to invade? The border needed guards—not cake. Was this another trick of Luna's? But Luna didn't interfere with politics...
Celestia put on a fake grin and waved her way out. Perhaps this was a fluke. There were a lot of bakeries in town. Surely at least one of them would have cake.
None of them had cake. The Pony Mart had no cake. Not even Doughnut Joe had cake.
Doughnut Joe shrugged and offered her a tray of pretzels. Apparently, doughnuts counted as cake too. Celestia had to decline. She wanted cake, no, she needed cake. At this point it was a matter of principle. Nothing less would satisfy her. But what could she do? The castle servants had her on a paper diet, and every shop in town was completely out of cake.
Naturally, this called for extreme measures.
Taking flight, she returned to her castle. Past rows of diligent guards, who saluted her as she walked past, was the Royal Canterlot Vault. It once held the Elements of Harmony, but now she needed something else.
Carefully lining her horn in the door's slot, she activated her magic and smiled as the huge doors slid open. The shelves were lined with dangerous, deadly, or simply excessively powerful artifacts. Any of those items, in the wrong hooves, could cause a calamity. Celestia frowned as she scanned the shelves for the item she was after. This section, in particular, was insidious, as all of the items were fashioned to look like foal's toys.
The unsolvable Rubik’s Cube had driven many a scholar insane. Escher's slinky had been known to break reality. A See-and-Say, global conquest edition, remained sealed in its box. Celestia spotted the item she was after next to a Braybie doll. (Not that there was anything special about that—Braybie dolls were just inherently evil.)
She picked up the item and left the vault. The guards saluted again as she locked the door and left.
Within her private chambers, Celestia cradled a pink balloon animal that was made to look like a pony in her hooves. Furtively, she glanced around to ensure that nopony had followed her. She really shouldn't do this, but if she wanted cake, she had no choice. Slowly, carefully, she honked its nose.
The room was suddenly filled with giggling.
“Oh hi, Princess! It looks like you've found my in-case-of-emergency-party-animal,” Pinkie Pie said, after appearing from nowhere. She giggled and whispered in Celestia's ear, “That's me!” The pink pony hopped up on Celestia's bed and pulled the white curtain down to wrap around her body in a crude representation of servant's garb. “So what can I do for you?”
Celestia smiled. Pinkie Pie would have cake. Once again she outlined the image of a multi-layered cake.
“Ooh, ooh! Charades! I got this. Hmm, steps rising to a point. Oh, I know—it's a family tree! Am I close?”
Celestia shook her head.
Pinkie giggled and snorted. “Yeah, I am pretty far out there. Vroom, vroom!”
Celestia blinked as Pinkie Pie somehow left tire tracks across her dresser and vanity with an invisible bicycle.
“Say, you know what rhymes with watermelon?” Pinkie pointed at a huge melon in the center of the room.
Celestia looked around. Where had that come from?
“Cannonball!” Pinkie Pie launched herself off the ceiling and collided with the vegetable, splattering it across the whole room. “Watermelons have rinds, get it?”
Juicy, red flecks dripped off of Celestia's face. Her room was a disaster. Perhaps summoning Pinkie Pie had been a bad idea, after all. Celestia meekly smiled and wondered if she should invite the guards. Pinkie Pie was making balloon animals from her panties.
“Oh hey, I almost forgot. We can't have a party without cake!”
All transgressions forgotten, Celestia let go of her doorknob and went to sit at the table Pinkie Pie had brought in. It was empty for now, as Pinkie had left to go get the cake. Celestia picked up a knife and fork in each hoof and pounded then on the table.
Let there be cake!
“Cake is like the most awesomest, funnest thing in the whole wide world. It's all kinds of fun to eat.” Pinkie came in wheeling a triple layer chocolate cake from the bathroom. Celestia could hardly wait. “Say, do you know what's the best part about about eating cake?” Pinkie placed the cake on the table and Celestia immediately cut herself a piece. She stabbed it with her fork and held it up to her mouth.
“The best part is squeezing it out your butt after you've finished digesting it!”
Celestia froze with the piece of cake hovering mere inches from her open mouth, which fell into a frown.
“Ooh, ooh! This is a triple-layer chocolate fudge extra-chunky and squishy cake with nuts. It looks almost the same going in as it does coming out. Isn't that awesome!?”
An eye twitched. Celestia dropped her fork and pushed her plate away. She folded her forelegs on the table and rested her head against them to sob.
Let there be cake, indeed.
