The Scroll of Exalted Ponies

The circle watched in rapt anticipation as Rose, outside the necro-aspected manse, with the Coveter securely tied up, began to shape a green sphere of sorcerous essence into existence. Her anima flared up briefly in the form of a green nimbus of crystalline refractions of green light which then abruptly faded away as the sphere of light punched a hole in reality, revealing a tiny hoof-sized door of gleaming metal with a crystal door-knob.

Opening the door, Rose revealed a space behind it which had not been there before. Inside it was the end of a glittering rope which Rose gave a yank, triggering unseen chimes to ring. Moments later a torii gate made of all the magical materials in beautiful harmony appeared on the side of the ashen flesh walls of the manse. Within the mouth of gate was a strange watery event horizon made of dim white light.

“If you would all step through please” Rose said, smiling.

Red was still too shaking from the sidereal’s possession of the bonestrider, Shimmer too weak to protest and Speaker was too curious at what hid beyond the heavenly torii gate. Sunrise nodded, for to her it was only proper that heaven supported her clearly righteous cause - and she wasn't shy of letting Rose know this. Cash was more than curious as well, chiefly because of the myriad of ways that an alliance with heaven might speed up his own dreams of power and prosperity.

Stepping through the gate didn’t feel weird. It was but another step for hooves that had walked many miles already, stepping off the tombstones that lined the ground around the necrotic manse and on to the golden bricks of a plaza that stretched on into the horizon, full of colorful and strange spirits going to and fro.

The circle noticed little of this, as on the other side of the gate, right as they came through, stood a three and a half yard tall solid orichalcum statue of a lion – which growled at them – and in a voice deep enough to make the ground tremble: "State the purpose of your visit or face my wrath"

Coming through last, Rose quickly skipped over to and up on the celestial lion, giving it a pat on the head: “They’re with me, the normal looking group by request of Ayesha Ura and the tied up one by the convention of deathlords. Tea time and a prisoner to deposit”

The lion frowned, revealing fangs that, under better circumstances, would have given Shimmer a wingboner - assuming that she would be in a form that had wings that moment: “You may pass Heath Rose, but ensure that your guests do not cause any trouble or you’ll be back in Shinning Barrator’s office again faster than you can pray for forgiveness”

“Sure thing, now can you hail us a cloud? Master Lupo need’s to get stinky here over to a secure location” Rose said, gesturing at the Coveter who’d been tossed through the gate.

The lion made an arcane gesture towards the dark star-lit skies of heaven and an air elemental appeared moments later. Of its body it formed a platform of solid cloud, not unlike the sort that Shimmer would conjure, only this time the cloud was sentient and in the shape of a giant turtle with a hollow and flat shell that others could stand or sit on.

Without Rose even saying where to the elemental took off once the circle, Rose and the Coveter had gotten on board, zipping off into the sky above Yu-Shan, leaving most of its creation-born passengers stunned and speechless of the sight that met them.

Yu-Shan, to mortal ponies simply known as ‘heaven’, the home originally built by the primordials, displayed a sense of architecture and aesthetics most alien to ponies. It's strange and almost organic-looking crystal spires, gold-cobbled pathways and endless multi-storied pagoda mansions of solid jade were unmatched by anything the mortal world had ever been able to produce – perhaps except during the high first age. Cash couldn’t stop drooling and gawking.

The elemental transport moved at a pace far greater than Shimmer’s, a necessary trait as Yu-Shan spanned tens of thousands of miles of nearly non-stop bureaucratic temples of celestial management and oversight of all the things in creation.

Arriving surprisingly quickly in a part of Yu-Shan that seemed to be predominantly rolling green hills separated by rivers of molten gold and silver, the circle was met with another marvelous sight: On each hill was a palatial manse, one more lavish and resplendent than the other. Speaker marveled at the architecture – and couldn’t help but notice that Cash’s throat had run dry from all the drooling.

The elemental landed on a platform on the roof of one of the celestial palaces and simply faded from sight, leaving its passengers standing on the platform. A spirit servant who looked like an artistic arrangement of green and yellow squares of gemstones came out of an ornately decorated thick wooden door, introducing itself simply as 'the butler'. Rose requested that they all be taken to one “Master Lupo” to which the butler somehow nodded with its strange form and led the group of ponies down into the palace.

Through corridors floored with exotic woods that were unusually soft to the hooves, walls bedecked with trophies, busts and paintings of things that might only have existed thousands of years ago and strange yet decorative arrangements of dancing lights hovering around glowing crystals which lit up the palace with a warm and inviting glow. It all happened too fast for anyone in the circle to stop and look, and soon they found themselves outside a dojo lined with paper walls upon which exquisite paintings had been drawn of ponies engaged in stylized martial arts duels.

From inside the dojo could the circle hear the unmistakable sounds of two ponies having sex – loudly – and roughly, judging from the occasional sounds of a pony being slammed into a floor-mat. Heath Rose’s face turned a shade of crimson that Speaker had only seen on ponies stricken with eastern blood fever as she realized that they were about to walk in on her elder mid-coitus...

The butler, having no real face outside of its roughly pony-shaped appearance of slowly swirling yellow and green square gemstones, appeared exceedingly unphased as it loudly announced “Heath Rose, five quests and one prisoner” outside the dojo.

There was a brief sound of two ponies collapsing on top of each other, followed by a swirl of motion and then a blur as a pretty young mare with a dark coat, amber eyes and a lush and curly black mane galloped out of the dojo with but a semi-transparent silk shawl hastily tossed around herself.

“Well at least this Lupo fellow has good taste in mares” Cash commented, looking as the young mare’s most appetizing flanks disappeared around a corner down the hallway.

Master Lupo, as Rose had referred to him, emerged from the dojo shortly thereafter, dressed in a loose white training outfit of indeterminable material. He appeared as a very strong stallion, not bulging with muscle, but wiry and lean – not unlike Red’s physique – he even matched Red’s black mane, although his was cut short: “So, Rose, you’ve brought guests?”

Rose nodded fervently and deeply: “Yes master, but I’m here because I have a deathknight captive to hand over. The Unhallowed Coveter of Limbs Great and Small here was caught by this circle of solars. I’ve convinced them to hand over the prisoner to me – oh, and he might try to escape, so don’t untie him just yet”

Looking at the deathknight prisoner Lupo’s brows furled: “Well I be… we’ll have to find somewhere fun to hide him then. Thank you Rose, this will go a long way to appease the deathlords”

“What? We didn’t come all the way here to hand this freak back to his masters!?” Red bellowed, a blade of white-hot essence forming around her, poised to strike…

…but then the sword fizzled into nothing. Lupo nodded at Rose, then looked at Red: “Forgive me, it is sometimes easy to forget that non-sidereal ponies occasionally come to Yu-Shan, now probably even more than ever. I was referring to the Convention of Deathlords, which I’m second chair in. This is the name of a group of sidereals devoted to combating the deathlords”

Red looked at her very much not-there blade in absolute confusion, speechless from seeing her own solar essence somehow fail.

“Now, this Coveter fellow, what deathlord is he under? You were sent to the north-eastern parts of the hundred kingdoms last I checked, so is it one from the Walker, or the Mask of Winters? The Lover?” Lupo asked Rose.

Rose looked at Speaker with quizzical eyes. Speaker perked up: “I don’t know who the Walker is, and I’ve only heard little about this Mask of Winters recently – but the Coveter here, if we’re right, works for a deathlord called the Barbate Arbiter of Unbound Gravitas and Unrelenting Fury”

Lupo and Rose looked at each other for a moment, then Lupo sighed while Rose looked apologetic. Lupo shook his head: “Rose, please don’t tell me you’ve just found another deathlord…”

“She didn’t, we did. We heard of the Barbate Arbiter about a month ago when we fought another of his deathknights” Cash said demonstratively.

Lupo groaned. Rose quickly explained: “We currently know of six deathlords for sure, maybe seven. Getting information from the underworld is tricky and until recently we honestly just thought that they were powerful and ancient ghosts of little consequence. It wasn’t until the Mask of Winters rolled over Thorns and turned that entire part of creation into a giant shadowland that we discovered that the deathlords have an agenda too”

“Ya we know. The first deathknight we fought told us, after we freed him from the cursed grand daiklaive he’d been given by the Barbate Arbiter. Told us all kinds of fun things really” Cash remarked, smiling.

Rose looked impressed: “Well then, looks like we're all staying here a bit longer for a proper debriefing. Do you have room Master Lupo?”

Lupo turned Rose down, saying that he’d not be able to house a circle of solars without attracting attention, not this close to calibration. Speaker quickly added that Red and Shimmer needed time to recover from their injuries as well, and that he would prefer that any debriefing took place after they had done so.

“Also, now that we’re at it: If you want the information we have, then we want something in return” Cash boldly stated.
Lupo groaned again, giving Rose a tired look. Rose gave her master an apologetic look: “I’ll get them somewhere safe where they can figure out what they want. I’ll try to keep it manageable”

Rose quickly spirited the circle away, leaving the Coveter in Lupo’s tender care. Up on the landing platform Rose floated a gilded coin around at the sky – moments later a rickshaw of shining crystal and silver pulled by what looked like a pony made of vermilion vapors appeared.

The ponies got up in the rickshaw – which somehow managed to seat all six of them despite clearly being made to seat only two – and after Rose had said “Take me home” the vaporous pony spirit reared up and launched the rickshaw into the air. It didn’t remain up there, but instead came down to a gold-brick road next to the mansion, where it raced off at a speed less than that of the air elemental, but greater than that of Shimmer’s usual cloud… but unlike both of those the rickshaw didn’t protect its passengers from the air rushing in their face at well over several hundred miles per hour.

Speaker and Shimmer huddled together, Red withdrew a lamellar helmet from elsewhere, Sunrise pulled her hood down even further. Cash was the only one along with Heath Rose who sat with open eyes, enjoying the ride. Indeed, Cash really enjoyed the ride, Rose having to repeatedly hush him as Cash would howl in joy from the rush of the speed.

“Quiet down – making too much noise, even out here in a residential district, will get you arrested!” Rose admonished.
The rickshaw traveled along gold brick roads past pagodas of crystal, palaces of exquisite architecture, and other marvels such as bathhouses where the waters stood as solid pillars reaching hundreds of yards up – never falling or flowing, with hundreds of frolicking spirits and gods swimming up and down.

When the rickshaw came to a stop it was outside a mansion much smaller than Lupo’s – indeed, it didn’t even feel like much of a manse either. Rose invited the circle inside: “I’ll have servants ready rooms for you all – just tell them when you’re ready for the debriefing. Oh, and if you meet my room-mate don’t talk too much to her, she’ll just find some way to embarrass you”

“Oh come on, that’s no fun” a mare spoke with a regal realm accent, coming from the mansion. It came from an exceedingly pretty mare dressed in a green embroidered semi-transparent silk gown with jewelry befit of royalty. Indeed, with how beautifully her black mane was coifed, and how her curves were just perfect in all the right places it would be easy to mistake the sidereal for some princess of a far-away country you hadn’t heard of, but would be quick to acknowledge existed.

Rose frowned: “And that would be May Blossom, formerly of the noble realm house of Nellens. Her interpretation of being a chosen of secrets is to uncover as much gossip as possible and then spread it so as to embarrass as many rich and influential ponies as possible. Seriously, don’t talk to her”

“And who might your guests be? It’s a little early to pick up guests for the carnival of meetings isn't it?” May Blossom laughed, ignoring the criticism Rose flung at her.

Rose trotted up to May Blossom and gave her a mock punch to the shoulder – one forceful enough to knock May Blossom’s tiara to the ground: “Don’t fuck me over on this. I swear, I will remake your first kiss to have been from a one-eyed drunk rapist if you screw this up for me”

The two continued to bicker while Cash inquired to Speaker: “Carnival of meetings? That sounds like something I should know what is”

Speaker tried to recall what he knew of the event from the first age: “Some gods would kidnap a few dozen hapless ponies from creation and party with them for a day or so during calibration. Usually a bit annoying if they snatched someone important to running your country…”

"Isn't that how the Spinner of Gloriuos Tales became a god, but being whisked away to that and impressing enough gods to be made one himself?" Cash noted. Speaker nodded. Cash smiled, a lot.

The circle settled into the mansion which made the Chung castle manse look like a dirt hovel. Speaker marveled at the cavernous library – even though he wasn’t allowed to read nearly anything in it, Rose apologizing that it contained a lot of personal diaries and reports from her past incarnations, as well as classified work-related content. Of the few books Speaker was allowed to read the more interesting ones were a few first age encyclopedias.

While disappointing, Speaker found himself happily occupied by tending to Red and Shimmer – as well as teaching Sullen Hoof the aptly-named crafting charm “craftspony needs to tools” to Sullen Hoof, after Sullen Hoof discovered that the mansion’s kitchen was helmed by a team of spirits that could literally conjure up any ingredient requested. Sullen Hoof relished in cooking in a proper heavenly kitchen, greatly impressing the head chef spirit.

Red recovered slowly but surely, the full use of her leg returning after three days, while Shimmer’s soul healed steadily every day, allowing more and more of her essence to return. By the first day of calibration Shimmer was halfway to full recovery. During the wait Cash had used his time to speak at length with Heath Rose when she was home, as well as May Blossom when Rose wasn’t home, trying to figure out what he could secure for the circle in exchange for the deathlord-intel they had promised.

“Speaker, I’ve been chatting with Rose. I think the best offer we can get in exchange for what we know about the Barbate Arbiter to secure some meeting arrangements…” Cash said, looking serious.

Speaker looked up from the book on geomancy he was reading: “Meeting arrangements? I’m surprised you didn’t ask for more”

“Officially we haven’t asked for anything yet – but I’ve checked what we can get. Look, we still have all that jade from Denansdor and the jewelry from there as well, so asking for money would be pointless. Plus, from what May Blossom has told then we might just be in a lot more danger here than I thought…”

Speaker put the book down: “You have my attention”

Cash explained that from what he’d been able to weasel out of May Blossom then the sidereals were somewhat divided on the subject of Solars: “I got the impression that it’s a bit like how Shimmer described the silver pact of lunars: A lot of lunars made do without solars, and now not all of them are not interested in seeing centuries of work be wasted just because we’re back… the sidereals similar made a lot of tenuous alliances here in heaven to keep things going after we disappeared. us regaining power in creation upsets these aliiances, the result being that a lot of these sidereals want us dead to retain the status quo. So if we start making big demands then the ‘gold faction’ simply won’t be able to keep our presence hidden here – and I for one don’t want my fate to be re-written to have me wake up one morning and be a tea-pot”

“They can’t really do that – but… if you’re right, then I guess it might be wiser to patch things up in Chung Do first. How did Sunrise take this?” Speaker wondered.

Cash sat down and rolled his eyes: “She really wants us to get the sidereals to arrange a visit to the gods who oversee the prayers that come in to Celestia – but that’s where I got my idea”

Cash explained that while the ‘gold faction’, the faction of sidereals in support of the solars, weren’t that hot on openly doing the bidding of solars in Yu-Shan, then they could arrange meetings: “They won’t stop us from running around here ourselves – we just have to get the proper meetings arranged so the celestial lions don’t arrest us for loitering, and the gold faction is willing to set up those meetings in exchange for the information we’ve promised .Sunrise wants to visit the head of the ‘Glorious Sun-Prayer Processing Agency’, and Sully wants to visit some kind of godly kitchen, then I just needed to check if you had any requests?”

Looking around at the library while taking a deep breath, Speaker beheld the wall to wall, floor to ceiling rows of ancient books. Were there not mortals in creation who needed his help he would love to just spend a few years reading everything there was in this library – and May Blossom had titillated him about a place in Yu-Shan known as the Forbidding Manse of Ivy were records of everything ever recorded… and now Speaker had to choose what tiny favor he’d like? It hardly seemed worth the effort if he couldn’t get full access to all the lost secrets of the first age.

“Speaker, come on – Rose wants an answer before she takes us sight-seeing” Cash said, urging Speaker on to make a decision.

Closing his eyes for a moment and willing Gift to appear from elsewhere, Speaker floated the primordial device around for a moment before banishing it back to elsewhere: “There is one I’d like to meet: Lytek, the god of exaltation”

“There’s a god for that? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… but ok, I’ll go tell Rose” Cash said, sauntering off.

A short while later the mansion’s butler appeared in the library, a spirit in the form of a pony made purely of cream-colored feathers, requesting that Speaker come to the front gate.

Going through the halls of the mansion, over floors of mirror-polished stone, past walls decorated with paintings of ponies, cities and landscapes from the first age, Speaker emerged to find the circle up in another rickshaw, the sky dark and star-lit with an unmistakable blue hue. Rose had said that Celestia, Luna and the mares of destiny decided how of Yu-Shan appeared, meaning that it didn’t follow the sky of creation and that it could change on a whim - no matter what time of day it was.

As the spirit-drawn rickshaw set off it quickly became apparent that this time the trip wasn’t that long, taking the circle to a large open park several miles wide not far from Rose’s mansion. It was surprisingly vacant, but Rose explained that with this being the first day of calibration the bureau of seasons held a grand celebration at the plaza where the circle had come through to Yu-Shan, the party lasting all throughout calibration as the gods of seasons were off-duty for the five days between the years.

Rose wanted to show the circle around a little bit in heaven before taking them to the debriefing, and with most of the gods at the calibration festival it was easier to show a circle of solars around without any nosy gods asking questions. Speaker noted that Rose hadn't really asked if the circle was ready for debriefing, but he didn't object, seeing as both Red and Shimmer had healed sufficiently to function properly - even if Shimmer would need a couple more days for her soul to recover fully.

At the park two rivers flowed, one with liquid gold and another with liquid silver – neither were hot to be next to, so Speaker doubted that it was actual molten metal in the rivers, especially since the shores of the rives didn’t have any coatings of cooling metal. On the silver river Rose had arranged a boat in the shape of a giant purple-scaled dragon with a huge orange mustache. It ferried the circle up river at speeds not even Cash had words to describe, as the landscape simply seemed to blur and fade into lines of light, only to suddenly coalesce into solid shapes again as the boat came to a sudden stop that made nearly every pony in the circle tumble off their lush cushioned seats.

At this the first stop, the dragon boat had arrived at the foot of two enormous alabaster and jade towers. The tops of the towers were wrapped in clouds, around which Sullen Hoof could tell that there were what looked like floating platforms of glass with gods and spirits on them. Rose said that this was the bureau of weather’s headquarters. It was a magnificent sight to behold: The towers were just under three miles high, and around the towers at the ground grew trees of blue jade that were well over half a mile high. All around the towers flew various elementals and weather spirits and most curiously of all: between the two towers floated a gigantic blue bee-hive looking structure, made of infinitely regressing hexagonal tubes that linked together.

Rose looked at the circle with great anticipation, as if waiting for the solars and lunar to say something.

“Speaker, didn’t you say earlier that in the first age the solar deliberative controlled weather in creation via the Pegasus ponies?” Cash idly thought out loud.

Speaker nodded: “True, back then the bureau of weather just did as it was told by us – I can’t imagine how it fared having to suddenly manage on their own…”

“Not that well in the beginning honestly, but they figured it out eventually” Rose said.

After ooh’ing and ahh’ing a bit more Rose asked where the circle wanted to go. Speaker, while impressed, wanted to get to the meetings set up so they could return to creation, him not feeling well with leaving the young shogun and the ponies of Chung Do sicken any more than necessary.

“We can’t go back Speaker, we haven’t found a way to fix ‘the problem’ yet” Red admonished upon Speaker, trying and failing to whisper her message.

Rose raised an eyebrow at Red and Speaker: “What problem?”

The circle shared a few concerned glances to and fro before Sunrise plainly stated: “We had left Chung Do to raid the Coveter’s manse when we realized that another deathknight within castle Chung had put subtle mental blocks in us all – and all other ponies in the castle. They appear to prevent us from seeing the deathknight and any evidence of the deathknight’s presence. We originally planned to assault the Coveter’s manse to draw this deathknight out. You would have gotten this information at the debriefing”

The spirit helming the dragon boat was about to ask for where to pilot the boat to next, but Rose gave the aqueous spirit a silencing gesture: “You’re all under the influence of a deathknight and you’re not sure what you’re not seeing and you didn’t tell me?”

“Yes” Sunrise stated, using a stately tone as if inquired about her presence at a meeting.

Heath Rose swallowed audibly: “Well, at least you didn’t say this while May Blossom was around… right?”

Rose instructed the spirit helming the dragonboat to take the boat to the "Commission on abstract matters and celestial concerns". When asked what this place was she simply answered: “It’s the bureau of heaven, for Sunrise and Speaker’s meetings” with a straightforward and far more serious voice than the previously lighthearted tone she had been using.

Enroute Rose made the circle promise not to tell of their mental influence problem during the debriefing they had consented to undergoing later, adding that she’d have to re-check with the sidereals and spirits scheduled to handle the interviews, to ensure that this matter didn’t go on the record: “Let’s just say that if it becomes a matter of celestial record that you lot are under the influence of a deathknight the bronze faction will have all the reason they need to see you all dead in an instant – they won’t even have to do anything themselves beyond inform Shining Barator’s office that there are security threats loose in Yu-Shan and you’ll all be celestial lion-chow in no time”

"Shining who?" Cash whispered to Speaker.

Whispering in return: "The god of the celestial lions, heaven's chief of police"

“I wasn’t under the impression that this bronze factions wants us dead… I got that our return inconvenienced their schemes, but why kill us?” Sunrise inquired, sounding utterly unphased at hearing that a good deal of the sidereal host wanted them dead.

Rose sighed: “It wasn’t easy running creation after the solars disappeared. The weave of fate had to be reworked quite a lot in most places to handle the sudden change – your return will mean just as much upheaval, plus a lot of the gods that those sidereals allied themselves with aren’t keen on coming under the hoof of creation-based solars again”

“There are lunars who’re just as likely to try kill any solars who wanders into their territories and tries to take over the people they lord over – but seriously, are solars that unpopular here? I thought Celestia and Luna still ran Yu-Shan” Shimmer wondered. She might not be back to her full strength yet, but she was more than strong enough to engage in conversation.
Rose shook her head and looked in the direction the dragon boat was going, away from the circle: “Sorry, but those two and the mares of destiny have been… busy… for quite a while. They let the bureau heads run their parts of heaven, rarely getting involved with much of anything anymore, it’s part of why it’s been so hard for us sidereals to keep thing running”

“I refuse to believe that Celestia would ever abandon her duties. She is the shining paragon of all virtues, most importantly temperance and conviction. Being the most high she would cannot succumb to sloth, temptation or be able to shirk her duties” Sunrise Glow stubbornly stated, her faith in Celestia unwavering.

Cash Charmer sighed: “May Blossom told me about this. Sorry to break it to you, but Celestia, Luna and all five mares of destiny are all – according to May Blossom – addicted to these here games of divinity”

Sunrise tried to stand as tall as was physically possible for her, an act that didn’t accomplish much as she was a head shorter than every other pony in the circle: “Lies. Celestia is incorruptible, she is unconquered”

“Sunrise, you wanted to visit the Glorious Sun-Prayer Processing Agency because they aren’t doing their job of handling all the prayers that go to Celestia properly – not answering prayers properly or not at all, do you think that Celestia would ever have allowed that kind of mismanagement to take place on her watch?” Cash argued, not sounding as if he was entirely pleased with the implications of his statement, but none the less sure in them.

Sunrise couldn't find words to gainsay Cash - his logic was infallible. It wasn't a pleasant realization that there was something fundamentally wrong with the god you had been empowered by, especially since Celestia was meant to be incorruptible...

The spirit helming the dragon boat announced that they had arrived at the Hall of Celestial Stability.

The circle, uneasy both with the realization that there were forces at work in heaven aiming at killing them, along with the discord sown following Sunrise giving everyone the silent treatment after being unable to convince anyone that Celestia wasn’t imperfect, moved ashore the shimmering boarding ‘surface’ of light that extended from the dragon boat. Rose led them inside the massive and oddly squat building complex made of solid ivory. The surfaces of the walls were replete with orichalcum, moonsilver and rainbow-shimmering starmetal marbling, detailing endless rows of heavenly deeds and virtuous acts of celestial government. In the lobby Rose split up the circle: Speaker would seek out Lytek’s office within the department of abstract matters, while the rest of the circle could go to the Glorious Sun-Prayer Processing Agency.

“Why do we have to split up for this? I want to go with Speaker” Shimmer complained, wrapping a leg that was just a little too long to appear natural around her solar mate.

Rose shrugged as she tugged at a bracer which instantly changed her garbs into what looked like a very officious suit of green and blue silk: “It’s not easy getting into Lytek’s office these days. Lots of security. You only get in if you have an appointment”

“As if they’ll find me” Shimmer said, leaping into Speaker’s ear – transforming into a flea.

Rose shook her head: “It’ll be your grave – not mine” as she walked off with Red, Sunrise and Cash.

Speaker looked around in the cavernous lobby. Rose hadn’t given him any real directions, and there wasn’t that much traffic of gods going around – probably because of that festival going on. A bored spirit, looking like a jellyfish made of paper origami, behind a front desk that was just a little too tall for an adult pony to look over, gave Speaker a thoroughly disinterested glare as Speaker reared up and leaned up against the desk to get eye contact: “Can I help you?”

Speaker took a deep breath. It had been a while since he’d had to tangle with obstinate requisitions officers back in Lookshy, but Speaker recognized a bored and understimulated desk-jokey when he saw one: “I have an appointment with the right hoof of power, Lytek, God of exaltation”

The administrative jellyfish god pulled out several binders of papers, riffling through them with its origami tentacles: “Ok, so why are you here and not there?”

“I need directions” Speaker said.

The jellyfish bobbed up and down, floating mid-air for a moment in silence: “Where to?”

Speaker sighed: this was not going to be easy…

A while later Speaker had found his way into the basement of the vast complex. It was surprisingly light and roomy, with broad but slightly opaque crystal tiles in the roof letting down what felt like sunlight, even thought the sky outside when Speaker had entered the place was one of a starlit sky. There were no maps of the place, or signs, so finding out where to go was pretty much impossible.

Shimmer advised Speaker in what direction to go, using special sensory charms to detect in what directions there were gods. This worked well for the most part, Speaker finding the odd god willing to look up from their piles of gold-inked scrolls at their desks to offer directions - although most just ignored the solar pony as he peeked into their offices.

The search went on until Speaker came across a non-descript office in which two gods sat, one behind a desk taking notes, another sitting in a lounge chair that looked supernaturally comfortable describing what sounded like soul-wrecking bowel-movements.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for help – I hope I’m not disrupting anything?” Speaker said, trying to be polite.

The god buried behind the desk in a mountain of scrolls looked up with tears in its six malachite eyes. It silently shook its head.

The god on the lounge chair leapt up. It was dressed in an exceedingly colorful kaftan, yet its pony form was betrayed by how its limbs appeared to buckle and ‘drip’ as it stood on the intricately patterned ivory floor. Its voice was bombastic and yet had a eerie slur to it, as if the god's mouth was half full of food: “Oh I was foretold I would be met with a seeker! Maidens be praised!”

As the colorfully dressed god, who’s physical features seemed oddly lumpy – it otherwise looking like a normal brown-coated pony with a strange but plain androgynous appearance – approached Speaker with swift steps Speaker backed out of the office. The god followed: “Oh yes, I shall give you all you desire! My aid, my blessings, my everything… my love”

“Just how much celestial cocaine is this guy on?” Shimmer whispered into Speaker’s ear.

The god strode right to up Speaker at which point the god’s odor assaulted Speaker’s nose like a swift buck to the groin… for the god reeked of the most fetid rot Speaker had ever born witness to. Shimmer silently wished herself lucky that as a flea such smell didn’t actually come off as that bad. Speaker had to fortify himself with essence to avoid retching.

“Oh! I know that our love can never be, but I will none the less aid you and bless you with all my heart!” the god professed, melodramatically gesturing and fawning at the confused solar.

Having no clue in regards to what the amorous god was going on about, and with Shimmer chuckling in his ear, Speaker professed that he simply needed to know where Lytek’s office was.

With great exuberance the god flailed its limbs about as it told Speaker where to go – ending its tirade with a blessing that, while to Speaker it wasn’t exactly heartfelt, then it could certainly be felt, somewhere deep in his body: “Now go forth my lovely, go forth before my heart breaks and let all know that I, Resplendent Buttflow, The Giver of Gifts, Lord of the Opening and God of Diarrhea is as generous and bountiful as Venus herself!”

Speaker bowed politely with a very strained smile, trying not to breathe while this close to the stench of the god, then ran off as quickly as possible using the directions given.

Going down twisting hallways Speaker began groaning as he felt his stomach churn. Shimmer picked up on this remarkably quickly: “You ok dear?”

“Nope, don’t feel good” Speaker said through clenched teeth, his entire body tense.

What few words Shimmer was able to get out of Speaker merely confirmed that a blessing from the god of diarrhea wasn’t one that warded a pony against the condition… quite the opposite as Speaker’s condition quickly became apparent – and the lack of signs on the doors meant that finding a place that one might relieve oneself wasn’t exactly easy to find, indeed the question was whether gods even had toilets or needed to use them – to Speaker it was a bit of a moot point: He could feel that he only had seconds to go…