BUM REVIEWS: Equestria Girls
Sitting glumly in his cramped cereal box, Chester. A. Bum looked across at an equally bored Pinkie Pie leaning against the alley wall opposite him.
"There must be a review you can write today, Chester." Pinkie uncharacteristically moaned.
"I wish there was, Pinkie, but my came-muh-ra's broken and all I have it my compute-ma-ter." the bum replied sadly, holding up his cardboard 'compute-ma-ter' as proof. Finally a broad smile came across Pinkie's face.
"Well why not write one on your compute-ma-ter thingy and express your happiness in words?" she inquired. Instantly a smile lit up Chester's face.
"Great idea, Pinkie!" he cried, opening it up with eagerness, "And I know just the movie to do!" With that he began to type vigorously:
And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester. A. Bum.
Tonight's review:
Equestria Girls
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
My little spoilers, my little spoilers…
There's this pony called Twilight Sparkle!
Hmm, kinda reminds me of those disrespectful interpretations of vampires.
And she used to be a unicorn but now she has wings!
I had wings once!
It turned out I was sleeping on a dead pigeon.
And that means she's now a princessess!
Essess.
What do you call a pony with a horn and wings anyway?
A unisus? A pegacorn?
An Alicorn? Pfft, no, that's stupid.
So Twilight is going to the Crystal Empire for a princess summit and she's joined by her friends!
Pinkie Pie!
(as Pinkie) "Cupcakes!"
Rainbow Dash!
(as Rainbow) "AWESOME!"
Applejack!
(as Applejack) "Howdy!"
Rarity!
(as Rarity) "Darlings..."
And Fluttershy!
(as Fluttershy) "Yay."
Oh, and Spike the dragon.
(walks past the camera and waves, talking as Spike) "I'm in the movie!"
So Twilight and her friends enter the castle and Twilight accidently bumps into one of the guards named Flash Sentry and she's like:
(as Twilight) "Are you gonna be my love interest?"
(as Flash) "Nah."
"But the camera's focusing on you for quite a long period of time, your colour scheme is completely different from the other royal guards, you smiled briefly at me…"
"Hey, look, the princesses."
"Princesses!"
So Twilight and her friends meet with Princesses Sunbutt, Moonbutt and Heartbutt.
Actually they're called something else but you won't call them that!
And Sunbutt is like:
"You all look tired, you should go to bed for some rest."
(as Twilight) "But if you called me to the Crystal Empire today, shouldn't the summit technically be held today…?"
"TO BED!"
"Okay."
So Twilight goes to sleep in her royal bedroom.
But then an evil unicorn thief who kinda looks like a yellow version of Trixie sneaks past the guards and steals her crown!
Boy, for ponies with such important jobs, they seem to have trouble doing them properly.
Kinda like politicians.
So Twilight and her friends chase Yellow Trixie into a dark room where she disappears into a magical mirror!
And it turns out that the thief was Sunset Shimmer, who was Sunbutt's old student!
…And that's pretty much all we know about her.
Wow, Hasbro never explain most of their villains' backstories very well.
Like Queen Chrysalisis.
Isis.
So Sunbutt explains that the mirror is a portal that leads to another world and Twilight must go through the mirror to get her crown back!
And her friends are like:
(as Twilight's friends) "We'll come with you because friends always stick together!"
And Sunbutt is like:
(as Celestia) "No."
"Why?"
"Because reasons."
"But won't she need us and the other Elements of Harmony to make the crown work in case we need to defeat Sunset Shimmer?"
"Reasons."
"But haven't we always saved the day quicker by fighting together and never leaving each other's sides no matter what…"
"Reasons! Reasons! Just very important reasons!"
So Twilight goes through the portal followed by Spike…
(walks past the camera and waves, talking as Spike) "I'm in the movie!"
And when they come out the other side, Spike is a dog for some reason.
And Twilight is a human!
And she's like:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
And the fans are like:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
I mean, what the hell? I thought this show was called My Little Pony, not My Little Jellybean-coloured Anime-eyed Toothpicks-for-arms Human!
Maybe the creators wanted to make the cloppers not seem weird by having them make whoopee to the characters as humans instead of ponies.
Eh, makes sense.
So Twilight discovers that she has to find Yellow Trixie in one of the most torturous places in history!
High school.
(gasps)
I mean, forget eternal night, everlasting chaos, an emotion-sucking army of bugs and a demonic unicorn king who took over an entire empire and can turn to black fart!
High school? That's where the real horrors are!
Except for my drug dreams.
So Twilight and Spike explore the school where they see so many familiar faces from Equestria!
Like Photo Finish, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, DJ PON-3 and the cross-eyed one!
So everyone in the pony world just happens to be the same age and attend the same high school in the human world?
Weird.
But then Twilight accidently trips into a boy named Brad and she's like:
(as Twilight) "Are you going to be my love interest?"
(as Brad) "Nah."
"But the camera lingers on you for quite a long time, your colour scheme is exactly the same colour scheme as Flash Sentry from my world, you gave me that exact same smile he gave me when you helped me up…"
"Hey, look, it's Fluttershy."
"Fluttershy!"
So it turns out all of Twilight's friends are at the high school too!
Pinkie Pie!
"Cupcakes!"
Rainbow Dash!
"AWESOME!"
Applejack!
"Howdy!"
Rarity!
"Darlings..."
And Fluttershy!
"Yay."
So not-pony Fluttershy tells Twilight that she found the crown and gave it to Principal Sunbutt, thinking it was a prop!
And Yellow Trixie plans to win it to become Princess of the Fall Formal dance and take over the world!
OF COURSE!
So with… loads of other options, Twilight decides to run for Princess too!
And the fans are like:
"Wouldn't it just be easier for Twilight just to steal the crown so she can get the job done quicker and not have to go through all this high school crap and risk the portal closing forever?"
(as Hasbro) "What, you think we're gonna listen to our loyal fans who seem to have all the answers?"
"…..Maybe."
"Well we're not!"
"Why?"
"Because we have toys to sell! Mwahahahahahaaaa!"
"Moneyhogs…"
So then Twilight discovers that her not-pony friends hate each other!
(as Twilight) "Why do you hate each other?"
(as Rarity) "She sent me a nasty text that ruined a school event, darling!"
(as Pinkie) "No, I didn't."
(as Rarity, shrugs) "Okay."
So Twilight's not-pony friends make up, but it turns out they still need not-pony Rainbow Dash to help them!
And she's like:
(as Rainbow) "I'll only help you if you can beat me at a soccer game!"
(as Twilight) "Why not just agree now? Won't this just be an ungodly amount of pointless exposition?"
"Hasbro needs to sell toys."
"Ooh, good point."
So Twilight and not-pony Rainbow have a soccer battle, but Twilight loses!
NOOOOOOOOOO…
But not-pony Rainbow helps them anyway.
…OOOOkay.
And Twilight is like:
"But you said you would only help if I beat you, so why are you helping us even though I lost?"
"Reasons! Reasons! Just very important reasons!"
"Okay."
So Twilight goes to a coffee shop run by not-ponies Mr and Mrs Cake and she bumps into the obviously-familiar boy from earlier!
(as Twilight) "I'm nerdy."
(as Brad) "I'm generic."
(as both) "We're made for each other."
But then not-pony Rarity is like:
(as Rarity) "You can't get together with him, darling!"
(as Twilight) "Why?"
"Because he's Sunset Shimmer's ex-boyfriend and falling in love with him will only make her more pissed off and more determined to beat you!"
"You do know the writers are gonna have to throw in a contrived romance subplot anyway, right?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right. It is a high school movie."
But it turns out Yellow Trixie and her two minions that nobody likes have posted embarrassing videos of her all over the school!
And it includes her not being able to figure out how a computa-ma-ter works!
And her eating books like a pony!
I don't see what's wrong with that.
And Twilight is like:
(as Twilight) "Oh, no, I'll never win the Fall Formal!"
But her not-pony friends are like:
(as her friends) "Yes, you will! We'll help you get more votes!"
"How?"
"HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SONG RIPOFF!"
(dances badly while humming a generic pop tune)
And the students are like:
(as the students) "Why would we want to vote for an outcast girl who we clearly laughed at earlier because we saw in that video that she eats books, acts like a pony and seems to have no idea how to behave like a normal human being?"
(as Twilight's friends, in sing-song voice) "We have fake pony ears and tails!"
"Okay."
HOORAY!
So now the whole school's voting for Twilight to be Princess and everything finally seems to be going her way.
But then…
Yellow Trixie frames Twilight for trashing the school auditorium!
And she's given photos to terribly-designed Vice-Principal Moonbutt for proof!
Photos with cutouts of Twilight playing soccer stuck to the pictures even though they live in a world with technology and Photoshop…
And not-pony Moonbutt is like:
(as Luna) "You won't be running for Princess of the Fall Formal!"
But then Brad comes in and he's like:
(as Brad) "She was framed!"
(as Luna) "Oh, okay."
Wow, I wish my problems were solved and forgotten about that quickly.
But it turns out that because of the mess, the dance will have to be postponed!
And if that happens, Twilight won't get the crown and the portal will close!
(gasps)
So Twilight rallies her not-pony friends to help clean it up!
But first she must tell them the truth.
(as Twilight) "You see…"
(as Pinkie) "You're from an alternate world and you're a pony princess there and the crown actually has a magical element embedded in it that helps power up other magical elements and without it, they don't work anymore and you need them to help protect your magical world, and if you don't get the crown tonight, you'll be stuck in this world and you won't be able to get back for, like, a really, really long time!"
"…..How did you know that?"
"It's me, don't question it."
But the others don't believe her!
Well that's hardly a surprise! I mean, I wouldn't believe a story like that even if I was on drugs!
But then they do believe her because Spike talks.
(walks past the camera and waves, talking as Spike) "I'm in the movie!"
So Twilight and her not-pony friends clean up the trashed auditorium and the dance goes on!
And Twilight is crowned Princess of the Fall Formal!
HOORAY!
But Yellow Trixie's minions capture Spike.
HOOR-oh.
So Twilight and her not-pony friends run out to the courtyard where Yellow Trixie is ready to smash the portal with a hammer!
And she's like:
(as Sunset Shimmer) "Give me the crown or I'll destroy the portal!"
(as Twilight) "No!"
"What? Why?"
"Because I've seen what you've been able to do to this school without the crown's power so I'm going to protect it! Go ahead and destroy the portal but I'm keeping the crown!"
"But… what about your friends in Equestria who'll probably be worried endlessly if you never return?"
"I don't care! I'm sticking to my decision!"
"What about your original home, your mentor and your family who you'll probably never see again?"
"I don't care! I'm sticking to my decision!"
"But without the Element of Magic, I'm pretty sure the other Elements won't work and Equestria will fall into eternal chaos without them if there's another big villain invasion like a freakish weed problem or a magic-siphoning cow horse monster thing…"
"I don't care! I'm sticking to my decision!"
"You're an idiot."
"I know."
So Twilight, her not-pony friends, Yellow Trixie, Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber have a game of hot potato with the crown until it falls into Yellow Trixie's hands!
And when she places it on her head, the crown transforms her into Hades' red-skinned sister!
Which is… kinda weird, seeing how the crown never turned Twilight into an evil demon psychotic lady when she wore it.
And Demon Yellow Trixie plans to use the portal to invade Equestria with an army of brainwashed teenagers!
…Y'know, that sounds really silly when you say it out loud.
But because Twilight's made such good friends with her not-pony friends, a magical light surrounds them and transforms them all into human-pony hybrids!
I swear I was not smoking anything when I saw this scene!
I mean it, they grow tails out of their hair!
Wings grow from their back!
And their normal human ears are replaced with freaky pony ears!
And the students are like:
"Ooooooooh!
And I'm like:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
I mean, this doesn't look magical at all! It looks scary and weird and in no way cute or whimsical!
Kinda like Generation 3 My Little Pony.
So Twilight and her… puman friends are like:
"TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERBUCKER!"
(as Sunset Shimmer) "NOOOOOOO-" BOOM!
HOORAY!
So the students are back to normal, the school is saved and Twilight is given the crown by Principal Sunbutt!
(as Celestia, smiling warmly) "You know, this could've all been avoided if you'd just stolen it from me, right?"
(as Twilight, smiling) "I know."
And Yellow Trixie is like:
(as Sunset Shimmer) "I want to be reformed."
(as Twilight) "Huh."
"What? What do you mean?"
"Well why is it that it took Nightmare Moon a thousand years to be reformed, Discord an entire season, and you only a matter of seconds?"
"Reasons! Reasons! Just very important reasons!"
So the dance goes ahead, Twilight's puman friends make up with Yellow Trixie and Twilight has a four-legged dance with Brad.
Seriously, this guy's like the perfect boyfriend!
I mean, he's super nice and understanding, he plays electric guitar in a band, he has a cool car, he seems to have no flaws whatsoever and he's in no way freaked out by the fact that his girlfriend is a talking pony from another world!
Why can't my girlfriend be more like him?
If she wasn't a rat I use for a pillow.
So Yellow Trixie decides to stay in the human world rather than come back to Equestria, make up with Sunbutt, learn more about friendship and get more interesting character depth which could've been a great storyline for Season 4.
And Twilight returns to the pony world with Spike!
(walks past the camera and waves, talking as Spike) "I'm in the movie!"
(folds arms and nods) Yes, you are.
So Twilight and Spike are finally reunited with their pony friends!
Oh, yeah, there were ponies in this movie, weren't there? I almost forgot!
Y'know, I never liked that show where you see ponies all the time, shooting magic, singing catchy songs and going on daring adventures where they learn really valuable and relatable lessons.
I always said to myself, "You know what this needs? Teenage multi-colored girls in a generic high school!"
Now that's a masterpiece.
Then Twilight accidently bumps into Flash Sentry from the beginning of the movie!
And he's like:
(as Flash) "Look out for me in Season 4, even though they said I wasn't going to return because they wanted to avoid angering all the fans who hate me!"
(gasps) Could this be the same boy from the human world?
Eh, pretty obvious, isn't it?
So I really, really liked Equestria Girls!
Despite the fact that there are tonnes of plot points that make no sense and we barely see the pony characters…
But I digress.
So if you like My Little Pony movies with… little to no ponies, then this movie is the one for you!
I'm just hoping they'll make a G3 My Little Pony movie with no pony characters at all.
We can all dream.
This is Chester. A. Bum saying… CHANGE! YA GOT CHANGE?! AWW, COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!
Well can you at least buy me a My Little Pony character? My other pony keeps eating my cereal box!
Typing the last letter into the document with triumph, Chester looked up from his cardboard computa-ma-ter with pride and glanced across the filthy alley at the beaming pink pony who sat before him.
"How's that, Pinkie Pie?" he asked in his goofy voice.
"Great, Chester!" came the joyous reply, "Your fans are gonna love it!"
"Thanks, Pinkie!" he responded with a smile, "Uh, one more thing."
"Yeah?"
"Do you have any change?" Chester held out his Styrofoam cup towards her hopefully with his best puppy eyes. All he got was a shake of Pinkie's head in return.
"Nope, sorry."
"Awww..."
