A Bunch of A-Holes

by Imperator Chiashi Zane

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, Crossover, Dark, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 10079

In pursuit of Thanos, the Guardians of the Galaxy find themselves crash-landing on Equestria.

"Peter Quill. Star-lord"
"Who?"
"Star-lord, Man. Legendary outlaw?"
"Who?"
"Star-lord"
"Who?"
"Owlowicious, cut it out."
__
The Guardians of the Galaxy crash land in Equestria. Because, as we still know, they are a bunch of A-holes, it goes rather...Poorly.
__
Murder, Chaos, and Assholery prove to be a direct contrast to the Idyllic paradise of Equestria. Too bad.

Published 2014-08-04 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-12 22:16:35 UTC

Chapter the first

“You must be joking.  Seriously.  Different dimensions?  That’s like, totally fantasy shit,” A human male with brown hair glanced down at the golden orb in his hand, “There’s no way this could possibly take me to another dimension.”

“It will.  In fact, it will take as many as you have holding on to you when you go.  Last time I used it, I took two of my servants with.  They fled from me before we returned, though, and I was unable to bring them back.”

“You didn’t go look for them?”

“It has a time limit.”

“You didn’t just use it a second time?”

“It refused to let me.  I can’t even touch it,” the white-haired man reached for the sphere, shrugging as the object pushed itself away from his hand, forcing the human’s hand back.

The human smiled, “Alright, so what do I do with it then?  And how long do I have to loot?”

“You just focus on activating it, and it’ll give you five creature-hours.  That’s five hours by yourself, or one hour for each of the five of your gang.”

“Thank you, I’ll be sure to get you at least half the loot I grab,” the human started walking out the door, ignoring the last words of the Collector.  Why he had gone back to the white-haired alien after that incident with the Infinity Gem, he’d never know.  But the Collector had sworn that Thanos was in another dimension, and that this stupid sphere could take his crew there.  Five hours was plenty of time for Drax to find and kill the tyrant.  And for him, Rocket, and Groot to loot everything that wasn’t tied down.

He held the sphere up as he stepped onto the Milano, “Yo, Rocket!  I got the thing from the guy!  You got that doohickey set up?”

The raccoon-like alien stuck his head up through a moved floor-panel, “It is NOT a ‘doohickey’,” his fingers surrounded the words, “This is a ‘Trans-dimensional Multi-phase Tracking array’ with an Asgardian Stabilizer matrix.”

“Exactly, a doohickey.  Is it ready?”

The raccoon sighed, “Yes.  Give me the orb,” he took the gold sphere and ducked back into the belly of the ship, settling it into the device wired into the ship, “Get the others together.  We’ll need to work fast.”

“Yeah, he said we have five hours.  I think that’s enough,” the human walked up the stairs into the lounge area of the ship, “Hey, guys, Gamora, we’re just about ready.  Drax, you’ll finally get your chance.”

“Of course.  When do we leave.”

“As soon as we get you down to the ramp.  We’ll have five hours on the other side.”

Drax the Destroyer stood, towering over the human as he stomped down to the ramp, two knives already in hand.  As soon as the ship flipped to the other dimension, he would be stepping off and going into combat.  Gamora, the green-skinned female, only female on the ship, followed him.  As a trained assassin, she could easily have his back.  Rocket was important to keep the ship running, and to supervise the doohickey.  Groot, well, the tree was useful to back up Gamora and Drax, if he wasn’t already doing something for Rocket.

__

Drax reached the top of the sealed ramp and pressed the communicator button, “Quill, I am in position.  Rodent, are you ready?”

The echo from below the deck emphasized the raccoon’s dislike of the term, along with his readiness, “I AM NOT A RODENT!”

Gamora pressed the button, “I am in position as well.  Rocket, please start up the system.”

__

The orb began to fragment and spin, glowing with an ethereal light that Rocket had to look away from.  It wasn’t quite enough before everything went entirely white, then entirely dark.  Rocket went to turn on his head-lamp, remembering at the last second that it was sitting in his room.  “GROOT!  I NEED SOME LIGHT IN HERE!”

__

Peter Quill, Star-Lord, stared out the viewport, past his hooves.  Hooves.  Where were his hands.  “AAAAAHHH!!!”

__

Gamora, assassin, stared at her knives, lying on the deck between a pair of green hooves, wrapped in black leather bands, “ROCKET!”

__

Drax stared at the door impassively, ignoring the yelling.  This dimension was twisting his sight enough, but his knives were securely strapped to his forearms, ready to skewer Thanos as soon as the hatch opened, “Are we there?”  He ignored the pressure on his wrists as his knives pressed into the deck.  It wasn’t important right now.

__

Groot stared, slightly amused, at the paw-like protrusions where his hands had been moments before, “Am I Groot?”

__

Staring at his hooves, Peter lost focus on keeping the Milano going in a straight line.  It started heating up as it sank into the atmosphere of a nearby planet.  He barely noticed the shouts of horror from the rest of the occupants as the Ravager vessel spun tip-over-tail through the fireball it was the center of.  Groot busted the door open and grabbed the controls in several little tendrils, twisting them to bring the ship back under control just in time to smear it along a pair of hills, gouging out chunks from two or three before it came to a halt on the edge of a creek.

Peter rolled to his hooves, falling naturally into a quadrupedal gait he had often found himself in while drunk.  Staggering out to the main corridor, he tripped and tumbled down the stairs, into a heap of limbs and leather, upside down, “How high am I?”  Before him stood a lime green Unicorn, and a giant-ass blue horse covered in familiar red markings, “Drax?  Gamora?  Rocket, am I really high?”

__

A purplish glow appeared beside Rocket’s head, and he sighed, “Thanks Groot,” he glanced around, noticing the lack of golden orb,

“Hey, Groot, can you help me find the orb?”

At the lack of response, he turned, and found himself staring into the purple eyes of a purple horse.  A horse with a frickin horn.  He stumbled back across the machinery in the belly of the ship and started feeling around for his gun, “GROOOOT!!”

__

Groot sprinted out of the cockpit, balancing smoothly on four limbs as he rolled around the corner and dove down the ladder.  His tendrils extended into the decking, ripping it open to reveal Rocket, sitting on his back, purple Unicorn pointing its horn at him.  Groot grabbed the Unicorn and yanked it up, the smell not registering as one of his companions.  He glared into its eyes, “I AM GROOOT!”

The Unicorn started scrabbling on air, trying to get a grip on the nonexistent surface, in order to break free, even as its horn started growing brighter.  It vanished in a puff of light, and the ship was plunged into the dim red emergency lighting.

Peter sighed, whacking his hoof against his face, then wincing at the new hoof-shaped bruise, “Great.  Groot scared away our first possible contact here.”

“Rocket, where are we?”

The raccoon looked around him, at the colorful horses, “I don’t know.  And I lost the orb,” he looked at his watch, “We should have about four and a half hours left though, after that crash.  I’ll find it.  You go find Thanos and kill him.”

__

Peter trotted up to the front hatch and pushed on the button.  Nothing happened.  He tried again.  Still nothing.  “Right, no power.  ROCKET!  GET THE POWER BACK ON!”

“I’M BUSY!  DO IT YOURSELF!”

He frowned and started up the stairs, stomping on every step on his way up.  At the top, he turned and stormed into the cockpit, crunching glass under his booted hooves, “I hate crashes.  Always have to replace all my glass.”  He stepped up onto the console and tapped the controls for his jet boots, launching him into the air, then into an entirely inelegant backflip as something sticking out of his back stopped him roughly.  He reached behind him, slightly surprised that his arms were still flexible enough to do that, and felt for the offending bits of coat.  Which turned out to not be coat, and were made of feathers that hurt when he pulled on them.  Wings.  His wings.  He looked over his shoulder and poked at one of the red-brown appendages.  It flicked out and brushed his nose, “That’s new,” he focused on tucking them close to his coat so they wouldn’t get caught, and fired his boot-jets again, launching himself out the broken glass, and down to the river flowing past the front.  The emergency release would only open the door if the debris was cleared out, so he started shoveling.  The door began to creak open, and he saw Drax’s scarred blue hoof pushing the panels apart.  After what seemed like hours, but his clock said was only minutes, the brutish pony tore through the gap, and the two spun around, backs to the ship.

That was when Peter really took the time to look at the world they were on.  Standing there on four limbs, in the body of a winged horse, the sight of the idyllic pastures was too much for him.  “Fucker.”

__

Rocket popped his head up out of the belly of the ship, holding the orb in his paw, and glanced at his watch, “Have you found Thanos yet?”

His radio buzzed back, “Rocket, you’ve gotta check this out.”

“I am Groot,” Groot trotted out the half-open hatch and stopped on the grass, sinking vine tendrils into the soft dirt, “Iiii am Groooot…”

Rocket joined his companions, holding the orb in his paw, “You know we’ve only got like, an hour left, right?”

Drax turned to Rocket, “That is plenty of time.”

Rocket scowled, “And what the hell is up with you guys?  You’re not even in your right bodies, but you don’t even care,” he tugged on Gamora’s vest, “Quit gawking at the scenery and let’s go see if anybody in that little town can at least point us in the right direction.”

Peter looked down at him, “Right.  How long did you say was left?”

“Of five hours, we’ve got, like fifty minutes.  Move it.”

The five climbed out of the river and started for the town, Drax being the only one not at all nimble in his new position, unlike the others who had at some point at least practiced a quadrupedal gait.  As they did, a bright pink creature trotted up to them.  It stopped, looked at the five with wide eyes, then let out a gasp that left Peter’s head ringing before shooting off like a rocket, towards the town.

“Continuing on.  We’ll figure out what the hell that was when we get there.  Maybe one of those two creatures we’ve already seen.  They seem moderately intelligent.”

Drax scoffed, “So do Terrans, but yet you continue to surprise me with your foolishness.”

Second Chapter

Twilight Sparkle stared at her brilliant pink friend, “You saw them too?  I don’t know what happened.  I was just teleporting out to the edge of the Everfree, so I could get a better view of the stars, but something went wrong.  I was stuck inside this cramped, dark space, and there was a stallion shouting for a light.  And when I light my horn, I saw a rodent!  I tried to teleport away, but a Timberwolf tore open the roof and tried to eat me!  I did a quick flashbang and teleported out of there.  I could have DIED!”

Pinkie grabbed Twilight by the shoulders, “Calm down!  It wasn’t a Timberwolf.  It looked a lot bigger.  And it was smiling, with these really cool looking serrated teeth!”

The small dragon in the room shot Pinkie a glare, “How is that helping?”

“Well, it didn’t look like it was trying to eat the three ponies it was with.  It looked like more of a pet, or something.”

“It TRIED to EAT ME!”

“So?  I tried to eat you once too.  But your mane tasted like shampoo, so I stopped,” she shrugged, “He probably will too.”

“Not helping!”

The door burst open, and a blue blur shot in, tumbling to a stop against the wall, upside down, “Twilight, Spike!  Oh, Hi Pinkie.  Twi, we’ve got some incoming ponies.  They’re dressed really weird, and nopony recognizes the emblem on their clothes.  They’ve got a…”

Twilight joined in, “A Raccoon and a Timberwolf.”

“Exactly.  How did you know?”

“The Timberwolf tried to eat me.  How far out are they?”

“I saw them crossing the welcome sign.  Ponies are starting to panic.  Do you want me to grab Fluttershy and AJ?”

“Wait.  Maybe Pinkie’s right.  They might not be trying to hurt anypony, like Zecora.”

“Ok, but whatever plan you want to use, now would be the time to tell us.  They’re heading this way.”

“Spike!  Grab the Timberwolves plan, the Rodent swarm plan, and the Zecora Plan, revision two.”

The dragon darted off, dropping to all fours for the speed boost as he scrambled around, collecting the scrolls Twilight had requested.  Hopefully, something could be quickly worked up from all three, in order to reduce the possible damage.

As the scrolls hit the table in front of the purple Alicorn, the door reverberated with a low bellow, “I AM GROOT.”  Twilight stared at the door, “What?”

Another voice, lower, more natural sounding, pushed through the door, “Groot, I don’t think this tree is a sophont.”

“English, Rocket.”

“I don’t think this tree can talk.  Even if it is made of crystal.”

“Of course not.  It’s a tree.  It has a door, and windows in it.  Look, I’m going to knock.”

The door rang with the impact of a hoof on it, and Twilight shuddered, but quickly pulled herself together, “It’s open.  Come in.”

The door creaked open, and a light brown Pegasus in a crimson coat stepped in, wiping his booted hooves on the entry rug, “Sorry about the mess,” he looked up at the four creatures in front of him, “Okay, I recognize you, and you,” he pointed at Twilight and Pinkie, “You I don’t recognize, but you have wings, so that’s something new.  And you, what are you?”  Rainbow Dash and Spike stared at the Pegasus, who moved on quickly and without pause, “So, we’re here to overthrow…”

“Murder.”

“…Right, sorry, Murder, a dictator named Thanos.  You lovely ladies wouldn’t be able to help us, would you?”

Four jaws dropped at the sudden admission that the group was explicitly there to Murder.  Something that hadn’t been seen in Ponyville for over a hundred years, and Equestria as a whole for thirty.  It never came up outside stories of how horrible things were before they were born.  Now, these ponies were just casually talking about it like they did it normally.

“M…M…Murder?”

“Yeah, Drax here,” the Pegasus pointed over his shoulder at the towering Earth Stallion filling the entire doorway with his broad frame, “Is gonna get revenge on that multi-chinned purple lunatic.  Chop his throat out most likely.”

The Earth Stallion nodded, “I will slit his throat with his own teeth, and disembowel him with his own spine.  Then I will choke him with his bloody intestines until he dies from it, and burn the corpse.  I will then grind it into paste and use it to paint noble symbols on my family’s graves.”

Twilight started sputtering as Rainbow covered her ears and curled away, and the Pegasus started talking again, “Now, can you help us?  We’re sort of limited in time, like less than an hour.  So a little speed would be appreciated.”

“Uh, Peter, we have a problem,” the raccoon held up a device with numbers on it, and a golden orb, “The timer just beeped.  We’re not being forced home.  I think we’re…”

“What?  We can’t be stuck here.  The guy said we had five hours per person.”

“Five hours per person, or five person-hours?  The difference is very important.”

“Uh…Person-hours he said.  Why?”

The raccoon leapt onto the Pegasus’ neck and started throttling him, “BECAUSE THE SHIP COUNTS AS A PERSON FOR PURPOSES OF TIMING!”  He took a deep breath, “THAT MEANS WE HAD FORTY FUCKING MINUTES!  NOT FIVE HOURS!”

“It took us that long to crash.”  We were still in the ship.  Why didn’t we go back then?”

The raccoon scowled, “BECAUSE IT WENT WITHOUT US!”

The Pegasus turned around, ignoring the gawking ponies as he grabbed the Raccoon, “Can we get back?”

For a few moments there was blessed silence, then the raccoon muttered, “See if you can get utilities hooked up to Milano.  We’ll be here a while.”

The timberwolf stuck it’s head in and opened it’s toothy maw, “I am Groot.”

“Really?  You tore out the coolant lines in the floor when you saved m…Oh Fuck.”

An explosion as loud as the original impact shook the library.  “Well, there goes Milano.  Again,” he turned to the purple Unicorn, “You wouldn’t happen to know of a room or five for rent?  Cheap?  All our Units got blown up.”

“Certainly.  I believe Applejack has some rooms open, and Fluttershy probably has a couple extra rooms for your animals,” Twilight looked over the group.  A Pegasus, a Unicorn, and an Earth Pony, with a raccoon and a timberwolf.  She wasn’t sure how Fluttershy would handle the wolf, but the raccoon, she had a pen for the other six that stayed with her, “Fluttershy might be a little nervous about your timber-wolf, so I’m going to put a muzzle on it, so it doesn’t try to eat her.”

“I am Groot?”

“Yes, Groot, she thinks you’ll try to eat her friend.”

“Groot?”

“I know you’re strictly self-sustaining, but they don’t.”

The muzzle floated around the confused timberwolf’s snout, “I am Groot?”

“Just…Just play along.  It seems to placate them,” The raccoon seemed to understand the wolf, though it spoke Equestrian clearly.

“Wait, is that raccoon intelligent?”

The green Unicorn leapt onto the raccoon, pinning it to the ground as it started reaching for something, “Rocket, let it go!”

The Pegasus stepped between the pile and Twilight, “Don’t call him that.  He doesn’t like it.  In fact, he tried to kill Drax, there, for calling him an animal.”

“What?  But it is.”

“Miss, Rocket is a highly advanced, custom engineered psychopath.  Drax is a highly trained warrior, from a race of warriors.  Gamora is an assassin, trained from the time Thanos kidnapped her and killed her family.  Groot is, well, Groot.  And I am Peter Quill.”

“Who?”  The response to his point, from an owl, seemed to trigger some sort of automatic response, such that he didn’t even notice that he was replying to an owl.

“Peter Quill.  Star-lord.”

“Who?”

“Star-lord, man.  Legendary outlaw.”

“Who?”

“Owlowicious, knock it off.”

“Who.”

“I am Groot.”

“Who.”

The raccoon cupped his paws over his head, “Make them stop!”

“GROOT, SIT!”

“Owlowicious, go clean the basement.”

“IamGroot.”  The timberwolf sat down on the floor as the owl flew off down the stairs.

“Can you point us to Fluttershy first, so we can drop Groot off somewhere safe?”

Twilight sighed, “Rainbow, take them to Fluttershy.  I’m going to get Princess Celestia and try to figure out what’s going on.”

The Unicorn stood up, carefully keeping an eye on the raccoon, “Come on, Rocket.  Don’t kill the helpful fantasy creature.  She’s just ignorant.”

They left, the raccoon still keeping a wary eye on Twilight until the door closed.

Chapter the third

The rainbow-maned Pegasus led the five to a small cottage, not far from the exploded ship, maybe a six minute walk.  It seemed unharmed, and there were a lot of animals around.  Floating in the middle of the crowd was a butter-colored Pegasus with a candy pink mane.  Peter stared at it, half disgusted that such a combination was used, buy at the same time rather enjoying the way the pink framed the yellow rump.  He almost slammed his forehoof into his face again.  Really, now he was fantasizing about little horses.  Honestly.  Sure he had slept with like, twelve different species, but they were all at least roughly human shaped.  Then again, right now, he was kind of horse shaped.

The blue Pegasus said something to the yellow one, who turned around and stared at Groot for several long seconds before letting out a high-pitched wail and rocketing into the cottage so fast it left afterimages in his eyes.

He started forward, “Groot, c’mere.  We’ve got to show her that we don’t mean her any harm.”

Groot said nothing for a minute, but walked up to the door and settled onto his belly, legs tucked up as a flowerbed sprouted along his back and he calmly ripped several of them off, holding the makeshift bouquet in his sharp teeth.  At that point, Peter noticed the appalling lack of muzzle over the timberwolf’s snout,

“Groot?  Muzzle.”

The plant alien sighed, and the muzzle became visible again as chunks of sharp teeth and jaw fell off, leaving the flowers pinned to the front of the leather piece by what looked like a single tiny vine, “Grooooot.”

“Thank you,” Peter knocked on the door, “Miss, he has his muzzle on now.  You can come out.  I promise he won’t bite.”

The door opened slightly, and a pink mane crept out first, followed by a yellow head, “Hello.  I’m Fluttershy.  Ah…Is that a timberwolf?”

Peter patted the plant on the shoulder, “I don’t know.  Last night he was more, well, vertical shaped.  Now he’s like this.  And I’m starting to miss my hands.”

“Hands?  You mean Claws?”

Peter shook his head, “Hands.  Five fingers.  Good for grabbing things.”

“Oooh, are you a polymorphed monkey?”

“No.  But Rocket’s an uplifted, well he doesn’t like to think of himself as a member of the species that birthed him.  You know, Raccoons.”  He pointed at the named creature, the only member of the five to have not been forced into a new shape, “We were wondering if you could keep an eye on them for a couple of weeks while we try to get this whole thing figured out.  Also, if he pulls a gun out, leave him alone.  He won’t shoot anything that doesn’t actively threaten him.”

“What’s a gun?”

Hoofprint the first, meet hoofprint the second.  The red garbed Pegasus was starting o get a headache, “Look, just leave him alone, and he’ll leave you alone.”

“Ah, I don’t think I have enough fish to feed your timberwolf for more than a day.”

“That’s Ok.  He’ll just sit in the sun and eat himself.  He’s strictly self-cannibalizing.  Maybe give him a flower or two.  He won’t eat them but it’ll make him happy.”

The yellow mare stared at him, “What do you mean Cannibalizing?”

Groot smiled through his muzzle and made a show of nibbling through his paw, then swallowing it calmly, and almost immediately regenerating the missing parts.

Peter gestured with his hooves and wingtips, as if to say, ‘See.’

She shrugged back, “I see.  Well, I best be getting them settled in.  Have you already checked with Applejack about renting rooms in her house?”

The blue Pegasus landed next to her friend, “I’m taking them there next.  If there isn’t enough space, I’ll put Star-lord, here, up in my place.”

Peter smiled widely, hoping for a moment that there wasn’t enough rooms, and that Drax was smart enough to not offer to sleep on the floor.  He would take being booted from the brawny thug’s room if it meant shacking up with the only actual athlete out of the natives he had seen.  And with her flying in front of him constantly, and these horses tendency to not wear clothing, he could see exactly what he was expecting to bed soon.

“Huh.”

__

The home of Applejack was not at all what Peter expected.  It was a rustic looking farmhouse with a large red barn, set near a large field of trees that smelled strongly of apples.  Of course a farmstead would have spare rooms.  They always did in the holos he had seen.  Hopefully there were temporarily less rooms available than crew to fit in them.

Then the blue Pegasus waved over a large orange horse with its mane tied back in a pony-tail.  He laughed silently at that, but waited until the horse was closer to start saying something.  His words stopped in his throat as he realized that he would not be getting any tonight.  The two horses nuzzled in a way that made it very clear they were taken by each-other.

“Applejack, meet Gamora, Star-lord, and Drax.  They’re temporarily stuck in Ponyville, and need a place to stay.”

“Oh, of course,” the orange mare looked at the three of them, “Well, unfortunately, I only have one available room.  Remember, Babs came to visit.”

“Oh, right.  Well, I can only provide a room for Star-lord, since the others’ll just fall through the floor.”

“What about Rarity.  I’m sure she’d love to have another mare to talk designs to, especially with that fascinating outfit she’s wearing.”

Gamora looked at her uniform, all red leather and cords.  It was utilitarian, not fashionable.  And what was with these horse-creatures.  They seemed overly welcoming, even if it seemed that the blue one and the purple one were the only two who knew why they were there.  Not many races would accept mercenary nuts into their homes, especially ones on a Murder-hunt.  Those that did often didn’t survive.  Still, if she was going to be staying with this ‘Rarity’, she probably should get going.  The sun was starting to droop, “Hey, uh, Rainbow Dash?  If I’m going to be staying with Rarity, shouldn’t we get going, before the sun sets?”  Not that she was afraid of the dark.  She just knew what tended to hide in it, and being unable to hold her knives with hooves, she was at a disadvantage.

The blue Pegasus nodded, “Yeah.  AJ, show Drax to his room.  I’ll drop Gamora here off at Rarity’s, then get Star-lord settled in to my spare room.”

Drax nodded, and followed Applejack towards the house.

“This is a very nice home you have here.  I used to live in one very similar, with my family.”

Applejack placed a hoof on his side, comfortingly, “Don’t you worry.  Twilight already sent a letter about your situation.  We’ll get you home to your family before too long.”

He shook his head, “You don’t understand.  My family is dead.  My home was burned to the ground by Ronan the Accuser, under the orders of Thanos, Lord of Death.  I have nothing left but my friends.”

Applejack wrapped her hoof around his fore-limb, “And us, for as long as it takes to get you five back where you were before.”

Drax nodded, and followed her into the house, ducking through the doorway.  The ceiling was lower than he was used-to, the Milano having been redesigned to accommodate Groot, but he was able to stand mostly upright on all fours if he kept his head low.

As they reached the end of the hallway, Applejack opened a door that seemed like it might not be big enough, “Here’s your room for now, Drax.  Dinner is in fifteen minutes.  Don’t be late, or Macintosh might eat all’a the food.”

__

Rarity’s home made Gamora flinch.  It was a brilliant white, covered in glass and purple bits.  Inside, it looked like a fabric store combined with a paper-recycler.  Rarity herself was a white Unicorn with a purple mane and a very upper-class attitude that immediately put her on Gamora’s hit list.

The fact that her very first act was to grab Gamora’s collar, and act that would have gotten her killed if Gamora had been fully in tune with her new body, and squeal, didn’t help.  Gamora sighed and let the mare examine the vest and the pants.  After a few moments, she backed away, a look of horror on her face, “Is that…Leather?”

Gamora resisted the urge to throttle the Unicorn, “Yes.  Cut from the finest cattle of Xandar.”

Another horrified look, “But…You can’t just kill somepony for their skin!”

Gamora sat on her haunches, “We didn’t.”

“Oh…They died naturally then…”

“Huh?  No.  They were killed for meat.”

“Bah!  Bah!  Those were sentient creatures!”

Peter stepped forward and grabbed Gamora’s ear in his teeth, pulling her away from the white Unicorn, “G, perhaps I should handle this.  I’m not as blunt.”

He turned to Rarity and stepped up to her, “Sorry about that.  Gamora’s not good at explaining things.  The cattle we use for meat, and Leather, is specifically bred for the purpose.  They have no brains to speak of, and no intelligence.  They are literally just meat wrapped in leather.  Hell, most of them don’t even have bones.

“Bah.  Wha?  Oh.  Uh.  Let’s get you two into something else before you scare anypony else.”

Peter sighed, “I’m not giving up my coat.  And I sure as hell ain’t walking around naked.”

“Why not?  Everypony else saves clothing for special occasions.”

“I woke up in the morning.  That’s a pretty special thing for me.”

Gamora shrugged, “He’s right.  A few weeks ago we had a rather bad day where he almost didn’t wake up until nearly night, because he had been stabbed.”

“What?”

“Yeah, Rocket got mad at him while he was drunk, and stabbed him.”

Rarity merely stared for a minute, “Sweet Celestia!  Rainbow, you must bring him back over tomorrow.  I will take him with me to the spa.”

Peter backpedalled, “Gamora, have fun.  I’mma leave now,” he dragged the Pegasus out the door, “Ain’t happening.  Not gonna do it again.  Last time a chick talked me into going to a spa I left with more makeup than Liberace and a clown combined!  And my belly-button lint collection was missing!”

The mare laughed, “You can stare at mine for a while then.  C’mon!”  Her wings opened wide, spreading into a wide flare.  She flapped and took off, “Well, c’mon!  You know how to fly, right?”

Peter’s hoof pressed against his helmet, instinct temporarily overcoming the knowledge that maybe his helmet hadn’t reconfigured.  Fortunately, it had.  He tucked his wings tight to his sides, ignoring the confused look of the Pegasus, “Race ya!”

“I’m the fastest flier on Equestria.  I’ll win, especially if you don’t even open your wings.”  Peter leapt into the air on his jet boots.

“Bet me.  Which way?”

She pointed at a large cloud, stylized and with a rainbow colored waterfall, “See you there.”

His boots flared as he roared off towards the house.  Even if he wasn’t sure it would work, it felt good to fly.  He reached the house and flipped into a hover, balancing deftly on his rear-hooves as the Pegasus landed on the cloud beside him, “Hey, how long do those last?”

“Ah, bout ninety seconds at full burst,” the thrusters shut off, and he landed on the cloud, half expecting to fall through.  When he didn’t, he settled into it, “This is pretty nice.  And you live here?”

“Oh, yeah.  C’mon, I’ll show you where you’ll be staying.”

He sighed, and followed her into the house.  The fact that she was together with the orange one made for a slight issue, but he was certain that at some point, if they were stuck here long enough, well, he could handle two…Maybe.  It would be easier with fingers, but whatever.

Fourth Chapter

“Princess Celestia, we have a slight problem.  One I don’t think I can resolve with Friendship,” Twilight Sparkle flicked her wings nervously, as she spoke to her mentor, “Uh…There’s three of them, and they travel with a tame Timberwolf and a rather foul-mouthed Raccoon.  They…Ugh…They said they’re here to Murder somepony.  That’s…”

Celestia set her hoof on her student’s shoulder, squeezing it softly, “Twilight, these ponies.”  The princess of the sun shuddered, “They aren’t the first to have such a foul act as a plan.  Nor even in recent history.  Whether they actually will go through with it, I don’t know.  The best you can do is guide them to a peaceful solution.”

“I…I’ll try.  The pony they said they were going to…” she swallowed, not wanting to say the word again, “Uh, the name was Thanos.  I don’t…”

A white hoof clapped over Twilight’s mouth, and a level of profanity Twilight never thought could come from the diarch burst into existence.

“Princess?”

“If that’s really who they are here for…I hoped you would never have to experience real war.  It looks like that is no longer an option.  I must speak to the group’s leader.  Where are they staying?”

“Rainbow Dash took them to Sweet Apple Acres, except for their Raccoon and Timberwolf, who are staying at Fluttershy’s home.”

“Very well.  The two creatures should be safe enough at Fluttershy’s house.  She won’t do anything to aggravate them.  We must go to Sweet Apple Acres with all haste.”

__

“Rocket?  You haven’t touched your breakfast yet.  You need to eat,”  Fluttershy whispered through her pink mane, trying to stay well back from the ring of bits of metal lying on the floor.  Even the other animals were giving the raccoon a clearing larger than the actual ring of debris.  The only thing inside the circle that wasn’t his was the plate of fish she had set there with a pile of lettuce.  It was entirely untouched, “Please, just eat a little for me.”

The raccoon’s hand lunged out and grabbed something out of the pile.  Not from the plate, he actually reached past the plate.  The thing he picked up joined whatever was in his paws and swung around his other side, pointing a tube at Fluttershy, “I’m not hungry.  Step back please.  Watch your step.”

Fluttershy jerked back, realizing that in her attempts to get him to eat, she had stepped forward.  The thing in his paw was just a few hoof-spans from her muzzle, and her hooves were between several tiny bits of metal that she suspected would seriously hurt if she touched them.  She froze, “I can’t…I can’t turn around…”

The raccoon swore, something that made the butter-colored mare curl closer to the ground, littered with metal, and dropped what he had been holding.  Spinning around, he stood as tall as he could, “GROOT!  GET THIS HORSE OUT OF MY CIRCLE!”

The plant creature walked in and grew a tendril out, stretching out and gripping Fluttershy right between her wing-roots.  It lifted her gently and set her on its back, “I am groot.  I am am Groot.”

It was sort of clear what he was saying, ‘Stay back from the raccoon.’  She wrapped her hooves around the Timberwolf’s bony ribs, “Thank you, Groot.”

__

Applejack looked at the stallion sitting beside Macintosh.  He was gargantuan, towering over her brother by a full head.  Despite that, his appetite seemed rather small.  He ate only four pancakes, and ignored the apple-fritters Applejack had made for dessert.  “Aren’t you hungry?  You have a long day ahead of you, Mister Drax,”  Oh, Applebloom, so innocent.

He spoke in a gruff, short voice, “Where is the meat?”

Applejack stared at him for a moment, “What meat?  We don’t eat meat…Are you alright?”

“Why do you raise fowl and cattle if not to eat?”

“For the eggs and milk.”

He shuddered, “Which of your fowl is the least productive?”

All three Apples froze.  Macintosh was the first to speak, “Eenope.  You can’t.”

“Very well.  I will go find my own meat.  Thank you for housing me for the night.”

“Supper is at sunset, not a second later.  Don’t be late, or Macintosh might eat all of it.”

__

Rarity stared at her kitchen table.  Sweetie Belle was sitting on the floor in the corner, keeping clear of the array of very sharp knives laying on the table, or in it, and the green Unicorn sitting at the side of it, “Miss Gamora?  What are you doing with my table?”

“Trying to figure out how the fuck I’m supposed to hold my knives.  I can’t figure out this blasted horn thing, and my hooves have like no grip at all!”

“Miss Gamora, please,” the knives all levitated up off the table and floated towards a rack on the wall, which to Rarity’s surprise was already full, “Where did all of these come from?”

“My pockets.  Took me half the night to get them on the table in the first place.”

“Oh…Were you never taught how to levitate things as a filly?”

“I was never a ‘Filly’.  As a child, I watched my family get murdered, then I was ‘adopted’ by a thug who turned me into an assassin.  So no, I never learned to fucking levitate anything!”

“Ah.  Well, perhaps you could learn from Twilight when Sweetie Belle goes to her levitation class over at the library.”

“That might work.  Thank you, Rarity,” the green mare trotted to the door, “I am sorry about your table.  I will replace it before I leave Ponyville.”

__

Rainbow Dash rolled over and looked over the side of her bed.  Her alarm had gone off, but she was woken up by a crashing sound like thunder, not the light ringing.  What?  She saw her alarm, or what was left of it.  “What?”

Her eyes moved down to the doorway, and she spotted the leather-clad Pegasus lying upside down on the foot of her bed, coat hanging open like an inverted blanket, and something wrapped around his hoof that resembled the helmet he had worn yesterday.  She kicked him gently, “HEY!  What happened to my alarm?”

The other Pegasus opened his mouth in an exaggerated yawn, “I shot it.  It didn’t shut up, so I shot it again.”

“What time is it!  I’m gonna be late to work!”

“Relax, I only shot it like five minutes ago.  I just didn’t want to get up.”

“Come on!  I’m gonna be late!  You’d better help me get the clouds in position!”

He rolled tail-over-head and landed on the floor on all four hooves, “Fine.  How the hell do we move clouds?”

“Same way you walk on them!  Geez!”  Rainbow looked at the clock on her stove, “Buck!  There’s not enough time for both of us to shower!  You’ll have to wait till after work!”

“Why?”  She stared at the stallion who was already slipping out of his coat and the pants and shirt he wore under them.  “Can’t we share one?”

“NO!” Rainbow howled as she lunged into the bathroom and pulled the cloud door shut.

“Why not?  Would Applewhatever be mad?”

“NO!  Why does everypony think she’s my only…”  A blue hoof found its way to a rainbow mane coated forehead, “GAH!

“So she’d be ok with a threesome?”

“BUCK YOU!”

“That’s the plan.”

Chapter the fifth

Rocket positioned a rifle-bolt precisely on the floor, carefully rotating it in line with the other components.  The yellow creature had messed up his perfect circle, but now it was fixed.  With a smile, he crossed his legs and raised his arms straight out to his sides.  His cybernetics itched as he twisted his paws back and gripped the one right between his shoulder-blades.  Carefully, he opened the casing, and twisted a knob inside it.  Made with bits of clocks and computers, the little component would shut off his brain.  He would be essentially in a coma for the duration of the timer.  No pain, no itching, no nagging feeling of guilt or inadequacy.  Just perfect rest.

He dropped his head as he fell unconscious, trusting Groot to protect his body.

__

Drax stopped at a wide river and looked into it.  There were fish swimming calmly around, and he began moving slowly into it, ignoring how the cool water soaked through his pants.  With a sigh, he settled in to wait.  Fish curled around his unmoving limbs, twisting and snaking beneath him as his head descended slowly.  He bared his teeth and in a motion so quick the fish didn’t have the chance to react, shoved his teeth through the side of a fish.  Dull as the teeth were, they were adequate for flinging the flopping, bleeding creature onto the shore, far enough away from the side to keep it out of the water, but close enough to keep an eye on.

Two more joined the first, and he settled himself on the grass, using his wrist-blades to carefully carve the fish open, so he could eat it.

It wasn’t bad.  A little less oily than the fish he usually ate, but not nearly as salty either.

__

Gamora reached the library just in time to see an absolutely immense white pony leaving the tree.  Her assassin training kicked in, and she ducked into a bush, pulling the small white unicorn with her, muffling the filly’s words until the big pony was out of sight.

She released the filly, who glared at her, “That was the Princess.  She probably wanted to talk to you.”

“Sorry.  Training.  Assess new threats before engaging,” she tried not to think about how she had almost spitted the innocent filly that morning, the poor grip throwing off her aim by enough that she knifed a cereal box instead of the child.

The two entered the library, where Twilight was already waiting, massaging her head with both fore-hooves, the younger of the two immediately speaking up, “Morning Twilight.”

Twilight mumbled something incoherent, then raised her head and looked at the green Unicorn, and the white one, “Hi Gamora.  Did Applejack have enough room for all of you?”

“No.  I stayed with Rarity and Sweetie Belle last night.  The filly was nice enough to bring me along to her levitation lessons, so I could learn too.”

Twilight gawked.  She had never seen a Unicorn that age unable to levitate.  Still, she was nothing if not professional.  She could teach a mare as easily as a foal, “Ok.  Then I guess we should get started.”  She pulled out a pair of metal orbs with her magic.

__

Peter looked at the blue Pegasus as she instructed him to open his wings, and follow her.  Instinct snapped his helmet up and he launched himself into the air, using his boot-jets to fly along, wings tucked tight to his coat.

“Look, Starlord, I don’t have time to give you a flight lesson.  Just…GAH…Go push those clouds over there up thirty meters.  Make sure they get into the jet-stream, and come get me afterwards.”  Almost as an afterthought, she shouted, “DON’T KICK THE BLACK CLOUDS!”

Brilliant.  Peter landed on one of the white clouds and sank his legs through it, pushing his boot jets out the bottom.  It would be just like that time he had borrowed some dude’s hover-chair.  FWOOSH!  He raced around, using one boot at a time to give the other one time to recharge between pushes, and all the clouds were moved into position, except for the one, single, big, black cloud.  He floated up to it and pressed his hoof to the side.  His fur stood up as the shock moved into him.  Not powerful, but enough to tell him that the cloud was charged up pretty good.  He carefully shaped it into a pair of hoof-holds, laughing at how easy it was to make his own shapes out of clouds.  For one very long moment, he thought about flying back to Rainbow Dash’s house and changing the porch pillars into giant dick jokes.  Naw.  He fired his boot jets, lifting the cloud up higher.  A gust of wind snapped his hooves forward, and he barely caught himself before he collided with the cloud.  Then he realized where the jets were pointed.

The cloud discharged violently, lighting up the sky as the now white cloud was stretched up into the sky in a pair of bright yellow trails of fire.

Peter shot out of the top of his mount cloud, boot-jets sparking, “Ah.  Well.  FUCK!”  He began to fall.

A blue streak appeared next to him, “Open your wings, stupid!  I can’t carry you!”

He stared at the streak, his goggles blurring it out badly, but he listened, and stopped trying to pull his wings in to his side.  They shot open like twin parachutes, bringing him into a slower fall.  The blue streak stayed with him, “FLAP YOU IDIOT!  DID YOU NEVER GO TO FLIGHT SCHOOL!”

He was beginning to really hate that streak.  It was clearly male, by the tone, and he reached out, grabbing at it.

“NOT ME!  FLAP YOUR WINGS!  YOU’LL GO SPLAT!”

Nope.  That would really put a damper on his threesome plans.  He dragged his wings down through the wind, and found the streak shooting away as he slowed down further, “Huh.”

The streak returned, and he saw that it was a light blue Pegasus with a black mane and a darker blue flight suit on.  A professional flier.  Excellent.  He just got insulted by a pilot jock.

His hoof pressed against the other stallion’s chest, “Look.  I’m about a zillion light-years from home.  I didn’t have wings three days ago.  I won’t hesitate to break your ribs if you call me an idiot again,” he turned away, “Fucker.”

Sixth Chapter

Princess Celestia arrived at Sweet Apple Acres in a burst of white light, and immediately set towards the homestead.  It was a casual trot on the outside, but she was trying to hide her nervousness.  She knew what sort of ponies these were, and the idea that any of them were near a filly like Applebloom was horrible.  Not necessarily because of a risk to the filly.  No, it was because she feared what would happen to those three if they got in the way, like they were wont to do.  The door opened smoothly, and quietly, and she took exactly two steps through before she was stopped by the accented speech of the largest of the Apple children.

“Princess.”

She turned and looked at Macintosh, who was leaning against the nearest tree to the home, “Ye…”

“Ah overheard the stallion last night.  Ah know why yer here.  He went to the river.”

“Tha…”

“One of his companions went to Rarity’s, the other is staying with Rainbow Dash.”

“I see.  Would you mind helping me round them up?”

“Got too many trees to buck.  You can handle it, Princess.”

She sighed and trotted away, towards the river, not wanting to teleport again, just in case the stallion passed her in mid ‘port.  As soon as she was clear of the Apple fields, out of sight, she flapped her wings and coasted into the air, ungracefully, with both forehooves massaging her forehead.  A Diarch was not supposed to have to fly on her own.  Then again, she also hadn’t dealt with a threat like Thanos in almost fifteen hundred years.

__

Twilight floated the orbs over to the newcomer.  They weren’t exactly heavy, being made out of pumice, but the unique nature of volcanic material in relation to magic made them perfect for learning both focus and strength.  “Alright, Gamora, I want you to focus on the orbs.  Make them float off the ground,” she turned to Sweetie Belle as she dropped the orbs to the floor, “I think it’s time for you to start on the next phase though, Sweetie.  You’re doing quite well.”

An explosion cut Twilight off, and the purple Unicorn spun to look, gawking at the shards of pumice on the ground, and in the ceiling twenty hooves up, and embedded in the walls too, with a sheepish looking green Unicorn in the middle, “Oops?  I’ll pay for the repairs, I promise.”

Twilight trotted over and put a hoof on the mare’s shoulder, “It’s ok.  These walls have seen worse,” she noticed that Gamora was shivering, and trying to make herself seem smaller, like she was terrified of something.  It was a familiar tremble, the one Twilight got every time she thought the Princess was going to banish her, “I’m not going to banish you.”

That was apparently the opposite of helpful, as the mare hit the floor and cradled her head in her hooves, “Please, just banish me!”

“Uh…Sweetie, do you think you can go find me the Princess?  She’ll know what to do.  Maybe.”

__

Fluttershy smiled at the Timberwolf sitting at her table.  For a monstrous hound-like beast, it was actually very respectful, sharing a pot of tea with her and Harry the Bear, “So, Groot, does Rocket usually sleep in a circle of, whatever those are?”

“I am Groot,” the creature affirmed before a tendril lifted the tea to its muzzle and poured the steaming hot liquid down its gullet.  Harry growled something, and both creatures laughed.  Normally, when it was just Fluttershy, the animals would speak slower so she could understand them, but when another creature got involved, it often went so fast she could only glean bits of the conversation.  Another growl made her flush, “Harry!  Why would you say that!”

“I am Groot,” the two laughed again, even as the yellow Pegasus sank into her chair, embarrassed by their conversation, or at least the bits she could glean, a discussion of her assets.

__

Starlord sighed as he found a new cloud to sit on.  It had taken him several minutes to get his adrenaline levels low enough to focus on keeping his wings down, but he had learned that he could steer with his wingtips, and that pushing clouds wasn’t actually all that hard, as long as he was careful.

Now though, he was going to rest, relax, and plan.  Maybe he could figure out how to bed the blue mare, and if he was really lucky, the orange one too.  It would be a good start to his new collection once they got the Milano fixed.  Instinctively, he slid his earphones up, tucking the orange padding into the cone of his reshaped ears.  With a soft click, one of his feathers depressed the play button.  The tape squawked for a moment before the soothing sounds of the eighties began to flow through his ears.  His lips began dancing without conscious control, “Girl you just don’t realize, what you do to me…”

The cloud moved slightly, and a glance showed him that it was the rainbow maned athlete.  He kept singing, letting his voice mangle the words, not like she could hear the music, he thought.

Then he felt a hoof on his lips, “Shut up.  I’m trying to listen to your music.  Where’s it from?”  His eyes snapped fully open, and he sat up, sliding the set down around his neck.

“What?”

“Your music.  It sounds cool, but I don’t recognize it.  Or your device.  What company is this Panasonic?”

His jaw worked noiselessly for a minute, “Uh…It’s a tape player.  Panasonic is the company on the planet I come from.”

“Ah.  Sounds a lot like Ponysonic, except we haven’t used tapes since I was a filly.  Never in a device that small either.  Can I see it?”

He hoofed the player over, stopping the music, and waiting as she slid the tape out carefully in her wingtip, “I bet it’s the same size.  Hey, can I try it in the player at my house?”

“Uh…”  So here she was, literally asking to take his music back to her house, and probably him with her.  Several of the songs on that tape were songs he had used when wooing a female on the Milano before.  Now, these were ponies, but the principle was the same, “Ok.  Sure.  I’ll warn you, some of these songs aren’t…well…they won’t make sense.”

“That’s ok.  You can explain them to me,” she looked at him, specifically at his slightly scorched coat, “You kicked a lightning cloud, didn’t you?”

What was the right answer here?  He wished he hadn’t been so obsessed with bedding the babes, and had spent more time actually learning how to get to know them.  Maybe then he would learn what the right answer was, “Uh…Yes.”

He almost continued when she spoke up, “That’s so cool!  The last pony I saw do that got hospitalized for like a month.  How’d you get away without a mark?”

He lifted the coat’s scorched edge, “Viridian Leather.  Shit’ll stop just about everything.  Bullets, lightning, death rays, shrapnel, baseball bats, you name it, this coat’s saved my ass from it.”

__

Drax tensed up as he heard wingbeats approaching.  He knew that there were many creatures on this planet that flew, and being stuck on the ground was not the ideal way to fight them.  Nonetheless, he had trained against both Rocket in a jet-pack, and Quill with those rocket boots of his.  He could certainly handle a creature with fragile wings.

He looked towards the noise, taking note of the two things in the sky large enough to make such a noise.  One was moving in the other direction, and had a pair of the flying horses attached to it.  The other was stark white and moving towards him, head cradled in her forelimbs.  His knives slid out of the fish with a slimy hiss, and he flicked them out to the sides to clear off the gunk before taking up a fighting stance.  His balance was off in this form, but he was just as strong as he ever had been, if not more, “Identify!”  Quill had set up a code for them the last time they had been required to rely on outside assistance.  If she gave the correct response, she had been sent by one of his friends.  If not, well, horse was more meaty than fish.

“Princess Celestia.”

His lips curled in a smirk, “Who sent you!”

“I did.  I am one of the diarchs who rule this planet.”

He blinked, debating with himself whether to add her into the list of useful creatures, or flay her and make lunch.  Not enough time passed before her landing for him to decide.

“You are one of our visitors.  As such,” she stepped carefully around the fish bones, “it is my duty to inform you that we have rules here.  I have heard about your quest, and I am afraid I cannot allow you to perform such a hostile act in my territory.”

“You know, but do you understand.  I regret that we will have to reject your hospitality then.  Thanos is…”

Celestia froze at the casual way he spoke the name.  Twilight hadn’t known, of course, but this stallion, he spoke of the Evil like he was just another name on a checklist.  Which, if Luna’s dreamwalk the previous night, was correct, he was.  Merely the last in a long line of despots, dignitaries, and dictators to be disposed of.

The stallion merely nodded, “Then you do know him.  You rule over this land.  Can you tell me where he resides?”

The solar diarch shook her head, “I am sorry.  He has not been seen on this plane for a number of centuries.  I can direct you to his last known location, but I fear it will do no good.”

“Rocket says one step at a time.  I believe this will be the second step.  I do not know how many there will be, but I have been walking a long time.  Miles no longer mean anything to me.”

She nodded at him, “I need you to gather your, uh, crew.  Bring them together, and I will attempt to help you.”  She left out the fear that after they were finished with this issue, they would bring more to her world.  Again.  And after placing the last two ponies from their world, twin Earth Ponies, who had been peaceful and only wanting a new life, she knew that they would have a difficult time folding into the herd.  It happened with every race that attempted to fit in in Equestria, but the closer they looked to ponies, the harder it was for the natives to believe that they were genuine about their desire to join in.  She couldn’t explain it.

“Thank you.  I believe my Captain, Starlord, is residing with the rainbow maned one.”

Celestia nodded and took to the sky again, heading for the only cloud home over Ponyville.

Chapter the seventh

  As soon as the filly was out the door, Gamora turned to Twilight and growled, “You should have banished me.  It wouldn’t have been the first time.”

The purple Alicorn sighed, “Actually, that’s not how we do things in Equestria.  Nopony gets banished for a little bit of property damage.  Sheesh.  I didn’t even get banished for breaking into the restricted section of the royal library.”

Gamora just stared at her for a minute, “What?  Then what did they cut off?  Arm, leg, was it your tail?”

Twilight swallowed, “Uh…None of the above.  We don’t do that here.  What sort of Tartarus did you come from?”

__

“I am Groot.”  Fluttershy watched as the Timberwolf gently lifted the little metal carriage and placed it down further along the path.

She smiled, “Excellent roll, Groot.  Now, did you want to buy Market Street, or just pay rent to the bank?”

He nodded and slid several of the fake bits across the table, to where Angel Bunny was sitting, counting the bank’s bits.  The bunny took the pile and quickly slid the pieces into their respective bins, chittering at Groot.  Groot sighed, a long sound that could possibly have been ‘Groot’.

Fluttershy picked up the dice and rolled them, giggling quietly as they rolled double sixes.  Her wingtip grabbed the metal Pegasus figurine and slid it along the path, around the corner, “Yay!  Angel Bunny, I would like to use my two hundred bits from passing go to purchase a home here on Town Street.”

The Bunny sent her a glare, but slid over the small green model hut and the card for the street, and in return swiped the dice for his own turn.

__

Rainbow Dash slid out of the sky, settling hooves first on the cloud porch at the front of her home.  A quick glance around showed her that nopony else was anywhere near.  Where had that stallion gone off to now?  She looked up, expecting him to maybe fall out of the sky, because he wasn’t particularly good at arcing along a level altitude without help.  Nopony there either.  She turned around, wondering if maybe he had landed behind her.  Nothing.  Oh well, he’d catch up.  Probably after her shower.

She opened the door and trotted inside, smiling as she kicked off some trailing bits of industrial cloud on the floor.  Her shower was just upstairs, and she still didn’t hear that horrible whine of his jet things.  It had faded out after he had shot straight up into the sky without warning.

She grabbed a towel and pushed open the bathroom door, only to see that there was already a body in the shower.  A stallion with reddish-brown fur and a stark brown mane, scrubbing her very expensive shampoo into his mane like it was the cheap bulk stuff she used to use before she met Rarity.  He tipped his head and glanced at her, “Well, are you just going to stand there, or are you going to come in?”

She stared dumbly, towel falling from her grip.  It was certainly not the first time she had seen a stallion in such a position.  Macintosh Apple had been the first, and had been less than pleased about her peeping.  Applejack had been worse when she had found out, mercilessly teasing her on and off marefriend about maybe not being completely and totally a filly-fooler.

What would she say now, at seeing Rainbow gawking at this stallion.  Even if he was clearly putting on a show, trying to entice her to join him.  And he was wasting her shampoo, “Hey, that stuff’s expensive.  Gimme that!”  She lunged into the shower and grabbed at the bottle.

__

Celestia landed softly on the porch of the cloud house and trotted in, closing the door gently behind her.  Above her, she could hear the sound of rain falling, the familiar sounds of a pony splashing in the cloud-showers common to Pegasi, even the ground-bound ones, music to her ears.  Rainbow Dash, or the visitor, probably.  She doubted it would be the visitor.  Guests rarely did enough work in one day to necessitate a shower.  Many didn’t shower more than once a week.

She reached the top of the stairs, still looking around for whichever one wasn’t in the shower.  Her ear flicked towards the partially open door as a crashing sound echoed out with the sound of wet fur slapping against wet fur.  Carefully she pushed on the door, “Are you alri…”

Starlord looked at the Princess through a curtain of rainbow mane, wings matted to the floor of the shower.  There was no hint of shame on his muzzle as he placed a hoof on the back of Rainbow Dash’s head, “Who are you?”

“I am the Princess of this nation.  I believe you are the captain of this group of criminals that has recently come to Equestria.”

The red stallion smirked, “Peter Quill, at your service, Princess.  I will be with you in just a minute.  This filly is…” he made a choking sound, and Celestia noticed that the mare’s head was twisted at an unusual angle relative to his neck.   He grabbed at her mane and pulled roughly, “Lemme go!  I need that nec…”  He stopped abruptly as her hoof met his jaw.

Rainbow twisted around and looked at the Princess, “Sorry about that, Princess.  I slipped and fell on him.”

The princess nodded, “I understand, my little pony.  I must speak with him though, without you, you understand?”

She nodded and quickly scrambled out of the bathroom, leaving Starlord lying on his back, half in, half out of the bowl, “Well, Princess.  What did you need to te…” He coughed as his coat slammed into his abdomen, “Gack.  Ow.  The hell was that for!”

“Come with me, creature.  I know why you came.  I know…” she stopped at his snickering sounds, “I’m sorry, that was not meant to be funny.  Understand this, I move the Sun itself.  If you bring any harm to my little ponies on your quest for vengeance, I will personally ensure that you Never again have the chance of procreating.”

He swallowed, “Very well.  What did you need to tell me.  Hurry it up though, I’ve got five more of them to woo before I leave.”

He couldn’t possibly miss the growl of barely restrained rage, “The creature you seek, the Lord of Death, he is not here in this world.  You have been misled.”

“Well that’s a wonderful dilemma.  Do you know where the bastard is?”

“Not right now, I do not.  I know where he will be in six months because I have an arranged meeting with him to discuss your presence here.  At that time, you will be in audience with him.  I will not stop you from performing your mission, but I will warn you, if any pony witnesses the event, you will be terminally punished.”

“Yes Ma’am.  Please, inform us if you receive any more information.  Now, I was in the middle of something, and I would very much like to finish so my pants don’t get soapy.”

Celestia turned, and trotted out the door, waving her tail mockingly at the stallion.  Let him know what he could never have, and maybe he would better himself in an attempt to attain it.  That was why she had no problem posing for those magazines every decade or so.