The Cake is a Lie

by n

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 3592

Princess Celestia sees her cake being eaten by Pinkie Pie. She vows to take sweet revenge.

It's the day of the National Dessert Competition. Princess Celestia is looking forward to all the delectable goodies that will be before her. To her shock, Pinkie Pie eats most of the first place dessert. The cake itself is released from humiliation, but Celestia is left unsatisfied. She vows revenge.

I don't know why I wrote this, don't ask me.

Published 2012-04-15 00:32:11 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-15 00:32:11 UTC

Let the Contest Begin

Princess Celestia was looking forward to this day. The National Dessert Competition was going to be magnificent with all the delectable goodies that were sure to be on display. She could not wait to taste the dessert judged to be the best. That was the main reason why she had started the competition in the first place. Princess Celestia always did have a sweet tooth. When she heard that Pinkie Pie, one of Twilight Sparkle’s friends was entering the competition, she could feel the drool welling in her mouth. From what Twilight had mentioned about Pinkie Pie, there was going to be at least one entry that would be satisfactory.

Meanwhile, after the situation had been cleared up, Pinkie Pie and the other three bakers (Gustave le Grand, Donut Joe, Mulia Mild) had to decide what to do. Their current entries were not in a state to be entered anymore. In the end, they had the brilliant idea of combining what was left to make the ultimate combination. Unbeknownst to them, they were creating something with magical properties. They were summoning something more than just the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. They were channeling the dessert gods.

The resulting masterpiece had obtained a form of sentience. It regretted existing. It could not understand why ponies took so much effort to create, only to destroy so soon after. Their pleasure was its pain. It hoped that it could be consumed so that it would not have to rot in the open air that was so toxic for its kind. For this reason it hated waiting. What made it even worse was that there was nothing it could do about it.

Princess Celestia knew that the train had finally arrived at the station. She had of course memorized it by heart. Her sister had always thought that she was a little crazy but Celestia had shown her. Luna had always nagged her about the little details, always claimed that if she continued, she would become fat. Princess Celestia knew, even if Luna only said that she was getting pleasantly plump. It was easy enough to pretend that Luna had fallen to hatred, when it was in fact Princess Celestia that caused Luna to go on a rampage. As a result, there was plenty of reason for Celestia to put her sister out of the equation. No one could stop her consumption now.

Of course, Celestia had finally remembered to free Luna from her time out. Tia was not going to let Luna roam free though. She had to make sure that Luna would never bring up eating habits again. Luna was not accustomed to the culture of the present. The moon princess was still using the outdated royal we among other things. It was the perfect excuse to give in order to keep Luna contained until Celestia was absolutely sure that her sister would not put her comfort in jeopardy. The sun princess still shuddered when she recalled her sister passing the law mandating that the princesses had to be fit. That law had been obliterated almost immediately.

It came to the time that Princess Celestia hated the most. To her, judging the deserts took forever. The cake that Pinkie Pie had created thought so too. They both knew that the desserts were losing quality by the second. Fortunately for the cake, it did not have to put on the mask that Princess Celestia did. It wouldn’t do for the princess to look overly eager, especially because the ceremony was yet to come. The cake had the advantage of only knowing mold as a fairy tale. They both hated their mortal enemy, mold. Mold was cruel and unkind. It corrupted and killed. It was treacherous, poisonous, and evil to the end. The thought of mold was enough to make them both shudder. If what the cake had heard about mold was true, the cake could lose its status.

Princess Celestia was dreaming of the wondrous treats that lay before her. There was everything from ice cream to cookies to tall cakes to candy sculptures. It was this heaven that she relished. The silky chocolate, the creamy ice cream, the crispy funnel cakes sang out to her, praised her. All of the desserts had something different to offer. They were not like her subjects. Her subjects always treated her the same, a object to be revered. How did they not realize that after a thousand years, it was getting old. Desserts were better. They were always friendly and available. They came in many forms and changed. Even Twilight Sparkle, her faithful student, still gave her the same reverence that so many ponies before her had given.

The cake was not surprised when it obtained first place on the spot. It was superior to the other desserts. None of them had been close to the dessert god. They were weak enough to be summoned over and over to rot. The cake was special. It flashed the equivalent of the middle finger at them in disdain. Not that it mattered. Those brutes were too undignified to recognize the nobleness of it. The cake hoped that it would be eaten by somepony special at the very least. It was less than the cake deserved, but it was something.

When Princess Celestia stopped daydreaming, she was pleasantly surprised. It was time for the tasting. She looked expectantly at the cake. The cake glistened back. Of course, Twilight Sparkle was gracious enough to offer her a slice. This pleased Princess Celestia. Perhaps she would save educating Twilight Sparkle for later. There was the cake to enjoy after all. The cake was happy too. It would be eaten by royalty. It glistened back to Princess Celestia. This was too much for Princess Celestia. She licked her lips in anticipation of the treat.

“Care for a bite?” said Twilight.

Celestia was happy that Twilight Sparkle had taken the opportunity to take a tone different from the haughty nobles. This was a glorious day. It was more important than the friendship report being given by Pinkie Pie. She could feel the power exuding from the cake, and knew that it would be a unique experience. Celestia felt the cake was giving her accolades truthfully. So many ponies had praised her insincerely just for power. This only made Celestia long for the cake anymore.

Pinkie Pie took Twilight’s suggestion to heart and proceeded to launch herself into the cake. For a moment the cake was horrified that such an undignified individual would be the one to finally kill it. Then the cake felt satisfaction upon its release from the mortal coil. It could feel itself returning to the graces of the dessert god. It was returning home. Its existence in Equestria was slowly disappearing. In all essence, the cake was becoming a lie.

Princess Celestia stared in shock as Pinkie Pie consumed the entire cake whole. The sun princess had been looking forward to the treat to master them all. Now, she could only get one measly slice. Celestia felt the anger start to bubble within her but contained it. It would not do to let those emotions show. Even if she had done so a thousand years before, it would be cruel if her ponies had to experience the same things again. Still, what Pinkie Pie did was unforgivable.

She will pay.

Princess Celestia gave a false laugh in order to blend in. Hidden in that laugh was anguish and anger. As far as Pinkie Pie knew, all was well. Celestia could not help it when the gears turned in her mind. She would have her revenge, no matter what. Pinkie Pie would not get away with stealing the cake from her. Even though she had a slice, it wasn’t enough. Tia needed more. Pinkie Pie had taken it from her.

Unforgivable.

Deep within the castle, stones moved that had not been moved since Equestria was founded. Stones that hid secrets deemed too grisly for the world. Princess Celestia would need them for her revenge. Her cackling was unheard by those above. Even Luna’s acute magical sense could not discover the evils that Celestia had unleashed. The only object that was affected was a statue placed in the garden. Discord had always known that Celestia loved to gloat at him. He could feel the bonds loosening.

The six friends returned to Ponyville. They were all happy, but tired. Twilight was glad that Pinkie Pie had written the friendship report and delayed Twilight being tardy. Pinkie was overjoyed that she had won first place, as she had promised the Cakes. She also was the bestest detective ever. Her foster parents would be so proud of her. Pinkie Pie would hold a party. That would be perfect for celebrating the victory at the National Dessert Competition. Rainbow Dash knew that the desserts were awesome. She had new dessert inspired tricks to practice. The Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness was Dash’s main inspiration. The new tricks were sure to get the cyan pegasus into the Wonderbolts. Rarity and Fluttershy were satiated as well, since they tasted the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. Even the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness was close to sentient.

Pinkie Pie could feel the twitches when she finally entered her room. The long journey had exhausted her, and dulled her senses. Before she could make sense of what Pinkie Sense (TM) was telling her, she was fast asleep.

Agent Black Forest Cake

What did I just write? Criticisms welcomed. Other author stuff that I don’t feel like typing out, like the fact that MLP belongs to HAsBRO. If you enjoy this, then enjoy, otherwise don’t enjoy. This chapter was confusing as hell to write. Kinda wish i referred to the cake as a he or a she. The desserts are screwing me over.

The cake regained consciousness in the land of the desserts. To its horror, all the other desserts were staring at it like some sort of specimen to be gawked at while visiting the zoo. It made a note to get those that had humiliated him punished. For now, it knew that it had to find out what had happened while it was missing. It wouldn’t do for it to be haughty if its status had dropped. It was happy to find that it was still important.

The dessert lord had been distressed by the disappearance of one of his most loyal subjects. It was unheard of for one of its status to be summoned like that. The dessert lord notified the cake lord that the dessert lord wanted a investigation to be had at once. The cake lord knew just the candidate for the investigation. The cake lord looked to the black forest cake, since it could get out quickly. It had that kind of experience. After all, in the universe it was most commonly summoned, it was usually a lie in the blink of an eye. It had only been caught once. It was the best of the best.

The black forest cake had to plan accordingly of course. It supposed it would bring GLaDOS into Equestria. GLaDOS was sure to cause some sort of chaos. She always managed to do so, especially in the human world. They always laughed at her pointless antics and managed to irritate her beyond belief. It was these distractions that allowed the black forest cake to steal the technology that helped the land of the desserts to prosper. This land was not to be confused the the land of the deserts. That was what they had all been taught when they were young. It was what they all blurted out when they weren’t thinking. It was great when being interrogated.

The biggest problem that black forest cake faced was finding a way to force GLaDos into Equestria. It supposed that Chell would make a good bait. Considering Equestria was a utopia of sorts. The black forest cake supposed that Chell would be running out of food by now. The rest of that universe seemed to be somewhat apocalyptic after all. The black forest cake sighed. How was it fair that its cousin, the cake, had all the glory while it had to do the dirty work. The black forest cake supposed that it was because the cake was tastier than it was. Nobody liked the poor black forest cake. It was just boring chocolate. The cake had more than the black forest cake. It was tall and dashing. This gave it many admirers, which in turn gave the cake lord more reason to give the cake power.

That was the way hiearchy worked in the land of desserts. Nodessert had status without admirers. Not that anydessert could marry into power. The desserts reproduced asexually. That was their creed. They were not uncivilized like those from the universes that borrowed so many of them. They did not have the gall to mess each other’s icing up in what they had heard was called hot steamy sex. Generally speaking, the more complex the dessert, the higher it was. The dessert lord was made of every single dessert. The complexity ranged from fillings, to toppings to the technique by which icing was put on top.

The black forest cake could feel the tug again. It let go of its resistance, and allowed itself to be summoned. Its vision turned black.

When it came too, it was in a room filled with spheres. Those were the backup cores. It couldn’t do anything yet, so it sat there and waited. To its surprise, the room started to move. This was highly unusual. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to see where this was taking it. The black forest cake was confident it could get out of sticky situations.

The room was roughly dumped outside. The black forest cake felt itself get jostled. This was exactly the reason the black forest cake hated its job. There was no way it would ever move up the hierarchy. It supposed it was good enough that it had learned techniques for survival though. When the higher order desserts got summoned, they never came back quite the same. The black forest cake looked around for Chell. It groaned internally. Chell had probably already moved on by now, driven to search for food. It was going to be a long day on Earth. Seeing no other way to proceed, the black forest cake followed the pull back to the land of desserts. It had learned to do this without being eaten, a skill that had proven highly useful.

When it arrived back in the land of desserts, the black forest cake followed the pull back to Earth. This time, it was on a dinner table. It supposed it was going to be a sort of birthday cake. The black forest cake supposed it should’ve been an honor for a cake of its status, but it couldn’t fool around just yet. Quickly, it opened a portal to Equestria. It couldn’t risk getting eaten. It would just have to hope that the chip it hid in Chell’s portal gun would work. With its task done, it went back to the land of the desserts.

Next, it would have to appear in Equestria as bait. So it followed another pull right onto another dinner table. How typical. That was all the black forest cake was ever good for. It looked through the portal and saw Chell staring through. This was perfect. Chell stepped through the portal and entered Equestria. The black forest cake knew that it would face impending doom if it stayed there, Chell would most likely eat it. Quickly, the black forest cake closed the portal it had opened, making sure that Chell would be unable to return to earth. Then the black forest cake returned the land of deserts, where it gave its report to the cake lord regarding the progress of its mission. The cake lord seemed pleased. The black forest cake knew that this would only last while the black forest cake made progress. It gave the equivalent of a bow to the cake lord, then promptly moved to the forest cake quarters. It had been a long day and the black forest cake needed rest in the black cake forest. Or was it the cake of black forests? The black forest cake could never remember. Every time a new dessert came to being, it added another name to the already confusing and tedious list of names.

The black forest cake wasn’t surprised when it was rudely awoken. It bowed with a flourish and proceeded to continue the mission. It supposed it would have to observe in Equestria. It appeared in a well maintained display. This was a welcome change to the dinner tables. Only, Chell was staring at it through the window. This could be bad. It had to wait and see if Chell would try anything funny first though. Before it thought anything else, everything went black.

The black forest cake groaned in annoyance. Pinkie Pie was a constant danger in Equestria when it came to trying to complete missions. Secret agent black forest cake always hated it when Pinkie Pie was hungry. It had to go back though. Too much was at stake. So the black forest cake returned. It frowned when it looked at the tracker. GLaDOS was not in Equestria. It would have to hope that Chell was enough.

The black forest cake observed that the ponies seemed to be chasing something around. It was a bit surprised. As long as the black forest cake lived, it had never observed the ponies to chase things. They usually hid in their houses, shaking like fools. It was all too easy to break into a house and once that happened, it was hard to escape. It supposed that what they were chasing was chell, since they rarely reacted by chasing anyway and Chell was fairly unique.

Chell had only wanted some food. She was starving like crazy. When that crazy aqua pony started asking her questions, she panicked and used the portal gun. That was when she was chased by so many other ponies who wanted to know what had happened. She wanted to talk to the ponies but she could not talk. From her childhood, she had always been a silent protagonist. She cursed her cruel fate. This was all because she saw a tasty looking cake through a portal. She should’ve known that it was going to be a trap.

The hoard of ponies finally surrounded Chell. She stared back. Instinctively, she looked around to see if she could portal her way out. Slowly, she realized that there was no way out. The freaky minty green unicorn stepped forth. Chell looked at the moon. Perhaps she could use that trick again. She aimed at the moon and fired. To her pleasant surprise, the Candy Mountain appeared out of the portal. The letter Y jumped from the mountain and started singing a song.

The black forest cake looked in confusion. He was not aware that the any of the lords had requested a full scale invasion. Then it dawned upon him. Somehow, his modification of the portal device had enabled Chell to open a rift to candy hell, where candy was left rot. He felt sorry for the candy and knew that the candy lord was a giant douchebag. Of course, the black forest cake hoped the unicorn pair would come through as well. That was sure to confuse anything.

Twilight Sparkle glanced outside the library in shock at the commotion. Having learned her lesson for once, she drafted a letter to Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Everypony in this town is crazy! There are some alien things and some odd looking unicorns. Also there is a giant cave of candy that will make Pinkie Pie unstable. Ponyville needs your assistance.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Unfortunately for Twilight, Spike was having the childhood of his life on the Candy Mountain. Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Sense had also warned her of the doozy. When she saw the candy mountain, she felt double the grin. This would make her a Perfectly Peachy Premiere Party Pony of Ponyville. Maybe even in all of Equestria.

Unbeknownst to any of the participants, the evil spices were feeding information to Princess Luna in order to goad her into making the New Lunar Republic.

Princess Celestia was too busy plotting to notice the letter Twilight had sent her.

The author looked at what he had created in awe. He also felt that he needed to control the story in order to make sure that it could be completed.

Pinkie Pie stood behind the author. She couldn’t let the author investigate Pinkie Pie. That would break all the laws.

Gummy stared out. He would make sure that Pinkie Pie would be okay. He had many explosives planted on those that would threaten Pinkie Pie. Although he regretted it, many had been slain in their quest to hurt Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash had been eliminated more times than Gummy could count.

The author used his authority to end the chapter. He was quite exhausted and needed to touch up on some of his other works. He also used the opportunity to shamelessly promote his fictions and encouraged the audience to leave comments.

The audience stared expectantly at the author. They could not hear his plea. Only Pinkie Pie had the power to break the fourth wall.