Once upon a time there was a great big fat lump called Dawn Thesaurus. He spent every single day either on da Internet, masturbating to pony porn, scratching his ass, burping, farting or watching his favourite cartoon. Oh course, it goes without saying he lived in his mom's basement. That should complete the stereotype. She had tried for years to get him out on his lazy (extra large) backside, but he only responded with the request 'pull my finger'.... with the predictable punchline. Hardy har har.
It was one evening, when the air was thick with the stench of his body odour and high calorie snack treats, he was just about to take his diabetes medication when suddenly his 42 inch TV screen started fizzling with all the colours of the rainbow (he himself was only 2 inches in a certain department, so he couldn't help but be jealous). At first he thought he was having a stroke, as a result of his not entirely healthy lifestyle. But then, as the multi-hued static started to clear, he gasped in astonishment.
They were appearing in his room. All of them. The Mane Six. The Cutie Mark Crusaders. The three other princesses, Cadence, Luna... and that other one nopony cares about. First, in flickering images, but then, live. In the flesh. And they looked just like they did on TV. Dusk rubbed his eyes. Was this really happening? Or was he dreaming? A little pinch to one of the layers of his many tiered belly told him. THIS. IS. REAL.
Instantly, he started to jump up and down with excitement. Or, he would have done... he was wasn't an obese asswipe who weighed over 500 pounds. Instead, he contented himself with simply making spastic like whooping noises and letting his boner have full reign. Instantly, a very small lump appeared in his boxer shorts. He was about to say something... but what would he ask? Why are you here? How did you transport to Earth? Is my television bust now? Would anypony among you like to pose for some tastefully done arty pictures? I've heard of doggy style, is there such a maneuver as pony style and would any of you like to try it? On and on the questions reverberated in his thick skull, but before he could open his greasy maw, the purple pony Twilight Sparkle spoke first.
"See, I told you" she stated matter of factly. "The smell is even worse than I thought. Look, it's even killing the flies".
"Ugh, you weren't kidding, darling" the white unicorn Rarity looked about ready to faint (luckily, she'd bought her famous couch along for the trip) "I'd rather die than spend one minute in this Celestia forsaken hole."
"And just look at this creature here" The hyperactive pink mare known as Pinkie Pie bounced over and pressed a hoof into Dawn's gluttonous mass, starting a mini bellyquake. "He'd make an ideal bouncy castle for one of my parties.
It was Rainbow Dash's turn to fly over to examine the man-thing. "If I was that fat, I wouldn't be able to get off the ground. My wings would break off and protest with placards and everything." she said with a measure of contempt.
Applejack sauntered over and raised an eyebrow at the gelatinous mess in front of her. "Ah tell ya what" She said in her thick accent "If ah were this size, it would take more than one year of applebucking to get me back in shape".
Fluttershy stood in the background listening to all her friends, then looked down on the ground and said meekly "Well, I don't think it's all bad..."
"WHAT?!" the other five made clear their astonishment.
"Well... look at all the wildlife in this room! You've got rats in the corner, bats on the ceiling, cockroaches on the walls..."
"ENOUGH!!"Came a loud booming voice, just as all of Fluttershy's friends were hoof palming. "you all know why we're here". It was the largest pony who spoke, the one with the flowing mane, crown on her head and the one Dawn couldn'r recall the name of.
But he was in no fit condition (so what else was new) to remember anything, as he'd just been verbally torn asunder by his favourite fictional characters and was now lying in a disgusting Jabba The Hutt-esque heap on the floor, almost squashing poor Scootaloo in the process.
"WHY... WHY ARE YOU SAYING ALL THESE CRUEL THINGS TO ME?" he wept like the big baby he really was. "I ONLY EVER WANTED YOU TO BE MY FRIENDS... AND MAYBE OCCASIONAL FUCK BUDDIES... BUT YOU ALL HATE ME. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP? I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE... INSTEAD IT'S A NIGHTMARE!!" His tears rolled down his puffy cheeks, and it was the first time he'd been near water in months.
Luna stepped forward. "Don't talk to me about Nightmares. I've seen the most vile of them, from many headed Hydras to ponies being burnt alive to be used for glue... but I've never witnessed such a foul sight as I have today. You sir, should be ashamed, letting yourself and your home get in such a sorry, sorry state." She turned away in utter disgust.
Cadence piped up with her melodic voice "They call me the Princess Of Love. It is my job to see the good in everything. But after looking around here and at you, I'm afraid I have nothing to say whatsoever." She looked down, her expression a mixture of regret and pity.
"Okay, everypony's had their say now" the big white pony marched forward regally and addressed Dawn directly. " My name is Princess Celestia. The fact is, we've been watching you for a while now, Dawn. You don't see it on the show, but we actually have the Internet in Equestria. And sufficed to say, we haven't been happy about some of the stuff you've been putting on there."
Dawn temporarily halted his grandiose display of self-pity. "WHAT?!"
"Arguing with other bronies. Making out that you're superior to all of them. Refusing to accept other's points of view. Insulting anyone who disagrees with you. Making out that you're some kind of perfect specimen who has the moral high ground in any discussion. So, me and the girls decided to see if all your bluster was for real".
Dawn just stared open mouthed, a small sliver of drool creating a puddle underneath his feet.
"We already knew about your predilection for clopping, which IS mildly disturbing to say the least, but more than a few of your brethren partake of such an activity, so I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on that one. What IS inexcusable is your blatant lies about yourself, and your life. Online, you make out you're some kind of benevolent tough guy, with a heart of gold and a six pack to die for. The reality could not be further from the truth."
At this point, and with the kind of great magic only an alicorn could possess, Celesta picked up Dawn's gigantic bulk with her magic and levitated him into the air. Dawn experienced a rush of emotions, panic, helplessness... and ever so slightly, turned on.
"Just look at you. Who are YOU to criticise anyone? You haven't had a job for more than 30 years. You're the same size as Twilight Sparkle's old library" (This provoked a look of sadness from the aforementioned princess). "Your stench is so strong, wherever you go is later described as a national biohazard. You are so grotesque to behold, even in The Prince Of Chaos Discord's wildest dreams, he could never create something as hellish as you. And yet you sit there all day, on your extra strong chair, being rude to those who, in all likelihood, are far, far superior examples of humankind than you will ever be."
She thrust him down at this juncture, complete dismay written all over her serene features. "We have come to warn you, Dawn Thesaurus, that the path you are on is the road to destruction. Get some form of meaningful employment. Stop being a burden to your long-suffering mother. Give up the junk food. Get a girlfriend, and stop fantasising about sex with four legged beasts. And most of all, be true to who you are. Accept you are a highly deficient individual, who has a long, long way to go before he can just others for their alleged faults."
She pondered for another minute, observing Dawn's ashen face, before telling him: "This is my final gift to you, a vision of what your future could be". Her horn flashed brightly and images started appearing before Dawn's amazed face. The first one showed him on a treadmill, with lots of unopened packets of potato chips and chocolate in the bin in the background. The second one showed a MUCH slimmer version of him hugging his mom as both of them wept over all the years they'd wasted not getting to know each other. The third one was of him in a smart suit shaking the hand of the boss of one of America's largest construction firms. The fourth was set in a bar, as he approached a lone female and chatted her up. The last one showed him watching MLP with his future children for pleasure... NOT as an obsession and definitely NOT as wanking material.
Dawn could hardly see for the tears in his eyes. WHAT had he been doing with his life?! It was the mother of all epiphanies. And just to make sure the message truly made it's mark, Celestia added "All this could be yours, Dawn. But there is another fate that lies in store for you if you fail to act now." The five images of hope instantly dispersed and merged into one... that of a GIANT coffin being loaded into a huge hole, via a heavy duty crane. There was some writing on a headstone next to the hole, and it said DAWN THESAURUS. DIED AGED 40 OF A HEART ATTACK. BIG MOUTH, BIG BELLY... SHAME THE SAME COULDN'T BE SAID FOR HIS HEART ("Who the heck paid to have that engraved, Dawn thought tearfully") A workman on the ground was trying to guide the crane to deposit the coffin into the pit, but as large as the hole was, the coffin just wouldn't go in... and squashed the workman's toe instead. He started hopping around shouting "I'LL SUE!!" until Dawn's mom (who was the only one who'd bothered to show up) said "Oh who cares, he's dead anyway. Let's just take him out and roll him in there." The vision ended just as they were about to prise open the coffin.
Dawn gasped in horror "Surprised?" Celestia said. "That people could be so cold? Don't be. It's only the way you've treated yourself AND others over the years. If you fail to heed my warning, such a day will come to pass, and you'll have nopony to blame but yourself. Think about it, and good luck."
The TV set started shimmering again, and the Mane Six and the three Princesses made their exit. They'd didn't bother saying goodbye... they were glad to be away from those awful sights, smells and sounds (Dawn had shat himself on several occasions during the impromptu meeting out of sheer shock ). Only the CMC remained.
Dawn stared down at them, not sure what to do, say or think after the last few minutes.
"I bet you're wondering" Scootaloo piped up "What we're doing here, seeing as we've just sat here the whole time in complete silence".
"The fact is" Sweetie Belle chimed in " The adults won't let us onto those sites, until we're old enough, so we can't really offer an opinion."
"Although by the looks of ya" Apple Bloom said, rivaling her sister for brutal honesty "Ya've devoured enough apples to last an entire harvest".
Dawn grimaced at this remark at this remark, coming as it did from the lips of a small child "So... Why... Did...?"
"BECAUSE WE WERE TRYING TO GET OUR CUTIE MARKS IN INTERPLANETARY TRAVEL, YEAH!!" They all yelled in unison. Dawn had to cover his ears with his podgy hands to avoid having his eardrums burst.
"It was me who found the book which the spell was in..." Apple Bloom proudly stated.
"It was me who found the right page" Scootaloo seemed unjustly proud of herself.
"And it was me who cast the spell" Sweetie Belle had a wide grin spread across her face.
"Speaking of which..." The three intrepid youngsters rotated their heads around to check their flanks. Not surprisingly, they were still as blank as a fresh piece of paper.
"OH, PONYFEATHERS!!" Exclaimed Scootaloo, crushed that they'd gone to all this trouble for nothing.
Sweetie Belle looked crestfallen. "Oh no, I was so sure we had it this time..."
"But... what is there left to try? Ah think we've gone done everything else" Apple Bloom pondered.
Instantly, a look was exchanged between the three friends, and their mood instantly picked up.
"CUTIE MARKS FOR RECORD NUMBER OF FAILED ATTEMPTS TO GET CUTIE MARKS, YEAH!!"
Dawn winced against as he failed to cover his ears in time...
But before the CMC could complete their catchphrase by doing their little hoofslap. three pairs of hooves reached out from the now rapidly closing portal and pulled them through it, as a voice echoed "COME ON, YOU'RE NOT GETTING STUCK IN ANOTHER DIMENSION AGAIN!!" before the whole thing shut.
And Dawn just sat there, in a mess of old food, tears, piss and shit.
And stared.
And stared.
And stared.
Before, lowering a shaking hand to his remote control, and pressing the button which switched the set on.
It WORKED.
Wonders of wonders.
He instantly switched it to The Hub.
And what do you think was on?
That's right.
A repeat of Dan Vs.
