The Armchair Principle

by AbsoluteAnonymous

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 8042

Twilgiht tries and fails to psychoanalyize her friends.

Twilight has come to a sad conclusion - that everypony in this town is, in fact, crazy, and as the only sane mare left, it's up to her to take care of it. The problem is, she has no idea what she's doing, and may end up doing more harm than good as she drives her friends to insanity with her eagerness to help.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2011-11-22 06:18:41 UTC

Chapter 1: Applejack

A/N: Please note that this fic is is no way meant to be taken seriously or confused with something intended to be seen as such.

Twilight Sparkle primly adjusted her spectacles. Her mane was twisted back into a tidy knot, a hairstyle carefully selected to add to her professional image, just like the glasses. With a sweep of magic she lifted her clipboard and quill to eye level. She placed her quill to the paper; she was ready to begin.

Except that her seat wasn't properly aligned with the patient.

Applejack looked immensely uncomfortable, but Twilight didn't seem to notice; she was too busy fidgeting with her chair, making sure everything was just-so before they began their session.

Applejack wasn't entirely sure how she'd ended up in this position. The last thing she'd remembered, she'd been back home at Sweet Apple Acres, harvesting apples, when suddenly a purple whirlwind had rushed in faster than Rainbow Dash and swept her away.

And now here she was, lying down on some kind of...really long sofa in the library while Twilight muttered to herself about "neurobiological processes" and "socio-cultural factors."

Normally she'd have just up and left if somepony else had tried such a bizarre stunt on her, but Twilight was a friend. She could be odd sometimes, but then, so could everypony else. It was no secret that the citizens of Ponyville were a bit eccentric; so maybe it would be best if she just humoured her for a while, and listened to whatever had her so antsy.

"Uh, Twilight? Applejack asked tentatively.

Twilight immediately looked up, a brilliant smile on her face; but the light pouring in the window reflected off in her glasses, causing them to glare in an unsettling way.

"Yes?" She asked, sounding every bit as perky as she looked.

"What exactly am I doin' here?"

"I'm glad you asked that." Twilight answered, scooting her chair forward slightly. The way she sat was unnatural. It was the same way that green unicorn, Lyra, sat on benches, and only made Applejack more uneasy. It looked painful. Not that Twilight noticed her discomfort. For somepony so focused, she was acting strangely oblivious, especially for her.

"I've come to the conclusion that many, perhaps all, of the ponies in this town are suffering from some degree of mental illness; but Spike and I alone remain exempt from this state of affairs as outsiders from Canterlot. I've taken it upon myself to give what aid I can to the good citizens of Ponyville in exchange for the hospitality I've received from them during my time here so far."

"Didja always talk so stuffy-like?"

Twilight glared, and Applejack shrank slightly. When Twilight was serious, she was serious, and accepted nothing less from those she dragged along into her mad ideas.

"Beggin' yer pardon, Twi." she apologized. It was probably best to play along. "Not all of us kin talk as fancy as you city ponies. Couldja try talkin' more like a simple country pony, like myself?"

"Of course." Twilight answered stiffly, again adjusting her glasses. They were black and rectangular, and Applejack had never seen Twilight wear them before. "It's quite simple. All of the ponies in this town are crazy."

For a moment they simply stared at each other.

Then suddenly, her words sank in, and Applejack frowned. "Hey, I take offense to that!"

"It's not your fault, Applejack," Twilight said soothingly. Her quill was already scratching away at the clipboard floating before her. "You and everypony else probably have many deep-seated issues that can be traced back to your childhoods, and I'm going to help all of you root them out and take care of them before they get any worse. It'll probably take a long time to fully psychoanalyze the entire town, though, so I'm starting with my friends. You're my first, isn't that exciting?"

"How kin you just come right out and accuse Ponyville of bein' crazy?" Applejack said irritably, ignoring the condescending smile Twilight wore as she continued to write. "You don't know us! You've barely lived here for a year, how kin you judge us? D'you seriously think you kin just march in here with, with yer fancy quill and ink and yer hoity-toity glasses and tell us what's wrong with us and how to fix it? Maybe we like being this way, ever think of that?!"

"Mm-hmm."

"Stop writing!"

Twilight set down the quill, magically pulling a thick paperback book from a nearby shelf and flipping through the pages. "I understand that you might have some misgivings about therapy. It said so in my book."

"Lemme guess. Egghead's Guide to Gettin' on Everypony's Cases 'Bout Nothin'?"

"No," Twilight said, and floated the copy so that Applejack could see the title. It was bound in yellow, with a black and white drawing of a befuddled, goggle-eyed pony lying on a sofa much like the one Applejack was on. It was called 'The Foal's Guide to Psychology.'

"What in tarnation -" Applejack muttered, reaching for it; but Twilight magically yanked it from her hooves so that she could look at it herself, smiling happily. She never seemed as happy as she did when near books.

"It's a fantastic reference guide!" The purple unicorn bubbled, professional attitude forgotten in her eagerness to share with her friend. She turned the book, continuing to turn the pages to show Applejack a blur of text and diagrams. "It has everything there is to know about personality and behaviour, and it has a massive list of potential disorders in the index! I figured that all I have to do is read up on the symptoms, and compare them to what I know about the pony in question, and I can diagnose everypony before I actually see them. Then all I have to do is tell them what their problem is and we can come up with a plan for fixing it. Isn't that a great idea? It'll be so efficient, and -"

"Twi, you can't be serious." Applejack interrupted. "This is just ridiculous. You know that, right?"

Twilight stopped flipping the pages and floated the book back to it's space on the shelf. "What do you mean?"

"You can't possibly think you know everythin' 'bout a pony just because you've seen them around town every once in a while. And this book here doesn't look like the most reliable source." She added, eyeing the 'Foal' in the title. "If you're really worried that somepony has a serious problem, shouldn't you find a professional to take the time needed to help them, instead of doin' it yourself?"

"Applejack!" Twilight cried indignantly, hooves on her sides in a proud stance, face flushing. "Do you think I can't do this? Don't you think I've studied up on it enough?"

"Well -" Applejack began, but Twilight wasn't about to let her finish.

"I've read just about every book about psychology and psychoanalysis that I could find in the library! And that's why I'm starting with my friends, because I know you better than the other ponies!"

"Twi." Applejack interrupted. Twilight was scowling, bun getting astray and glasses now slightly crooked. She'd dropped her quill and pad in the heat of the moment. "I know yer smart, smarter than most of the folks 'round town. I'm not tryin' to insult you. I'm just sayin' that it's a lot yer tryin' to take on. Dontcha remember when I tried to harvest all the apples at the farm by myself? I was a mess at the end, and because yer a good friend you made me stop and see that I couldn't handle it on my own. And that's what I'm doin' now."

Twilight looked away. Neither of them spoke. The only sound in the room was the loud, steady tocking of the clock hanging on the wall.

"Don't you think I can help you?" Twilight asked pathetically.

Applejack sighed. Her back was getting incredibly sore from lying down like this, and she was itching to get back to the orchards. She'd been all for humoring Twilight on whatever venture she was attempting when she'd first gotten dragged along, but this was just ridiculous. Forced therapy? Honestly, she knew that Twilight could be a bit out there -  in a way, Twi had a point, most of the ponies in Ponyville werea bit unusual - but that was just because she didn't really know how to socialize, and was having trouble making friends. But accusing an entire city of insanity and taking it upon yourself to cure them wasn't really the best way of fixing that.

"Help me with what?" she finally asked. She hated to admit it, but curiosity was getting the best of her.

"I was just getting to that," the unicorn announced triumphantly, hurt feelings apparently forgotten as she telekinetically picked up her clipboard again.

"..."

"Now, I know that you pride yourself on your honesty. But most of us lie to some degree, typically to avoid provoking conflict, so it's unusual to find somepony committed to absolute honesty, no matter what."

Her tone had become clipped and clinical, as if she was just reciting a pre-prepared speech. Which she probably was, if the way she was reading straight from the pag was any sign.

Applejack couldn't help it. She grinned. It was true, she'd always been a straight shooter. Even as a filly she could never bring herself to lie; or at least, not well. Honesty was the best policy, that was her motto. Nothing was gained by trying to fly under the radar, and in the end, the truth always found a way to come out, so why not save time and come out with it from the beginning?

"You're also poor at deception, and have trouble recognizing deception in others." Twilight continued.

Her grin dropped slightly. That was true as well, but wasn't as nice to hear. More than once she'd been made a fool of for believing something that, in retrospect, was an obvious lie. Usually because Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie were intending to do just that.

"For the most part you are able to sustain good relations with others by holding your tongue, but occasionally you let your need to tell the truth get the better of you, and can be hurtful. You might not realize it, but sometimes honesty can damage friendships."

"That's just silly, I'm the git-allonginest pony there ever was."

"That's not a word. But to get straight to the point, I believe you have autism."

"What?"

Applejack bolted upright, then winced and fell back on the couch. Ponies weren't meant to sit up that way. But she couldn't help it; she'd been so startled that she'd found herself springing up before she could help it.

"What did you just say?!" She shouted.

"Autism." Twilight repeated. "The key to lying is thinking of an imaginary scenario or abstract concept that doesn't really apply to anything. If you want to lie, you have to be able to understand the way others might think, or how they're likely to think, to work out how to hide the truth from them. But autistics have trouble deceiving because they have difficulties putting themselves in another ponies hooves that way."

"Is that...I...I can't...you just..." Applejack spluttered, eyes wild as she stared at the ceiling above her.

"I know, it's frightening how accurate the diagnosis is. It just seems to fit you, doesn't it?" Twilight said eagerly, looking up from her notes. "Doesn't it just seem so...right? Doesn't it just seem to scream YES at you? The book said that ponies sometimes get scared when the truth hits too close to home."

"Ain't there more to autism than that?" Applejack finally asked. "That can't be it. I don't like lyin', so I have autism? That's too simple."

"According to my book - "

"Maybe it's just because I'm the element of honesty. Yer big, smart, unicorn brain ever think of that?"

"Applejack, I know it can be hard coming to terms with it, but this is your reality." Twilight said soothingly, reaching out with a hoof to stroke Applejack's mane in what was presumably a comforting manner. The earth pony jerked away, scowling. "It's possible to live with this. I know that it can be upsetting at first, but what you need to understand is that it's not your fault."

"A load of horse-apples, is what it is."

"There's no known cause and no known cure, but there are treatments you can try." Twilight continued, ignoring the outburst completely. "For example, there are medications you can take. You could try music therapy or massage thereapy, too. I don't know much about those, but they're in the book, so I'm sure they're fine. And I'm willing bet that there are many other things you could try. You can learn to function, Applejack. This doesn't have to define you."

"I kin function just fine!" Applejack shouted, awkwardly sliding off the sofa. She didn't even know why she'd sat through this for so long, when it had been clear from the beginning that it was just going to end badly. "I run the family farm all on my own, don't that count as 'functioning?!'  Even if yer right, I got along this well my whole life, I don't well need to stop and do somethin' 'bout it now! I'm doin' fine and so's everypony else, and you don't got no damn right to barge in and tell us to change!"

"Applejack! I told you about using double negatives around me!" Twilight snapped, not even looking up from her notes.

"I don't care! Here's the honest truth - you'rethe crazy one!"

Twilight didn't seem to hear her. She was mumbling to herself excitedly about different treatment plans she could establish for Applejack, horn glowing softly as she scribbled away.

"I better not hear of you tryin' any of this baloney on mah brother or sister, yah hear?!" Applejack called from the doorway.

"If you see Rainbow Dash, tell her I want to talk to her!" Twilight called back.

The door slammed shut.

Chapter 2: Rainbow Dash

"It's wonderful to see you, Rainbow Dash."

"What's with the glasses?"

"That's not important." Twilight said quickly, fiddling with the frames again. She wore them as a part of her Twilight-therapist persona, and didn't want to admit that she didn't think she could play the part without them. "What is important is why you've come to see me today."

"I came because Applejack was being weird. Um, why did you make me lay down like this?"

"That's not important either." The unicorn interrupted. "Why do you think Applejack referred you to me?"

"Referred?" Rainbow Dash repeated. "That's not exactly what happened."

"...and now she's spoutin' all this hooey about everypony in town bein' crazy and wantin' to fix it all! She said I have autism, kin you believe that?!"

"Seriously? Bwah ha ha ha!"

"Don't you laugh at me, I'm in no mood!"

"Gah! What are you doing?"

"Apparently I'm crazy, I can't help myself!"

"Applejack's gone nuts!"

"Oh, yeah, go cry about it to Miss Psychiatrist, why don't you?! I bet she'll be real happy to have somepony agree with her 'bout that!"

"OW!"

"That's not important." Twilight said for the third time, getting impatient. "So my first session didn't go well. My book said that sometimes patients react badly to treatment because they can't cope with the reality that they aren't completely normal. That's fine, and I can't let myself get discouraged by setbacks. So, why do you think you're here?"

Rainbow Dash glanced down. She was covered in bruises from the apples AJ had thrown at her in rage.

"To get away from Applejack?"

"No, you're here to get help." Twilight said pointedly.

"Oh. Okay. For what? Are you gonna help me train? Because no offense, but you're kind of a terrible athlete. And you can't fly. So I don't think that would help very much, thanks.

"NO. You're here to get mental help from a professional. Like everypony else in Ponyville, you're struggling with many complex psychological issues that are preventing you from living a healthy, fulfilling life."

"Huh? Okay."

Rainbow Dash was only half listening. She was too busy fidgeting. Her wings were itching to spread and take flight, and instead here she was, holed up in a tree while Twilight babbled on about some nonsense she wasn't really interested in. She'd only come to Twilight's house in the first place because Applejack was refusing to set foot near it and couldn't follow here there.

"Tell me about your childhood, Rainbow Dash." Twilight said meaningfully, already beginning to write.

"What are you writing? I haven't said anything yet."

"That's not important."

"Shouldn't it be? I mean - "

"Tell me about your childhood." She repeated.

"Oh. Um. I dunno. I was pretty much awesome from birth, I guess." She shrugged, in as much as a pony could shrug. "I was always the coolest kid. Fastest. Was the best at pretty much everything."

"That's not what I hear." Twilight said gently. She was still writing, inexplicably. Rainbow Dash had barely said anything yet. "I heard that you were bullied when you were a filly."

"Yeah, those jerks were always jealous." Rainbow Dash answered breezily, ignoring the surge of panic she felt deep in her chest. "They couldn't handle me. The Dash tends to be kind of too extreme for ponies."

"Did you ever feel insecure?"

"Hah! That's funny. Why would I be insecure? Isn't it obvious how -"

"You don't have to hide your true feelings from me, Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow's ears cocked at Twilight's soft tone.

"I know that you were teased as a kid. I know that you had to leave flight school. That must have been hard for you. Did you ever worry that maybe you weren't good enough? Is that why you try so hard to convince people you're the best? Maybe you're scared that people will find out how scared you are." Twilight paused, giving her a small smile. "Is any of this sounding familiar?"

An awkward silence fell between them.

"I don't really know what you want to hear." Rainbow Dash finally answered weakly.

"Tell me about your parents," Twilight prompted, with an emphatic nod for good measure.

The truth was, everything Twilight had said rung true; and Rainbow Dash hadn't seen her parents in years, ever since she'd left home after being kicked out of flight school. But these issues weren't topics she was ready to talk about at all, let alone with a pony like Twilight, who only seemed reasonable on the surface and was, deep down, just as nuts as everypony else. Ponies like that were always more dangerous than those who were openly insane, like Pinkie Pie, because you never saw it coming when they finally snapped.

Rainbow Dash's first instinct at any sign of danger was to fly away, so, feeling profoundly uncomfortable, she began to slide off the couch and feigned a yawn.

"Gee, sorry, Twi, but I really gotta go. Gotta fly and stuff, can't stay cooped up in here. Need my freedom and all that. You know what it's like. I'll just - "

"No!" Twilight snapped, glaring. Suddenly, magical restraints appeared out of thin air and snapped down on Rainbow, strapping her to the couch.

"Hey!"

"You're not going anywhere until I help you!" She screamed all traces of her calm, professional demeanour gone in place of pure frustration. You never saw it coming.

"Okay, okay!" Rainbow cried, writhing as she struggled against the bonds. "Whatever, I just -"

Oh no.

A sudden feeling of strange warmth was spreading through her lower body, and, unbidden, her wings snapped open.

Neither of them spoke. Both of them stared at her outstretched wings.

Twilight adjusted her glasses again, an action that was quickly becoming a nervous habit, eyes wide behind the glass.

Rainbow Dash's face was burning.

"Sorry." She said quickly.

The purple unicorn slowly shifted her gaze to Rainbow Dash, until the violet eyes met the rose ones.

"Um. I. Uh." Rainbow stammered, still struggling. "Can...can you just..."

In a flash of magic the bonds were gone, and Rainbow Dash quickly pushed down her wings with her now-free hooves, still blushing.

"That...that actually brings up another issue I was going to mention." Twilight said, clearing her throat with a small cough and glancing back down at her notes. "Rainbow Dash, before I begin, I want you to know that, as your friend, you can be absolutely honest with me."

"Um. Sure."

"I also want you to know that the others and I will accept you no matter what."

"Yeah. Right. Uh-huh."

"There have been some...rumours, Rainbow." Twilight finally said lightly. She knew that this was a delicate issue and had to be handled with care, but as a good friend that was going to help another friend she had to broach the subject, whether either of them wanted to or not.

Rainbow Dash had been staring somewhere off to the side, refusing to meet Twilight's eyes, blush still dancing on her cheeks; but at Twilight's words, she turned back to her, a questioning look in her eyes. "Rumours?" she repeated. "What kind of rumours?"

"Do...do you remember when we were in Appleloosa?"

"Uh, yeah?" Rainbow answered. "I'm not an idiot. How could I forget something like that?"

"Well...when Pinkie Pie came out in her costume, we...we all noticed that you..."

"That I what?"

"That you...your wings."

Sudden understanding dawned on her, and the questioning look was replaced with one of horror.

"There have been some...rumours...and...gossip...that you might be a...you know."

"A filly-fooler?" Rainbow Dash shouted, wings spread wide and threatening in anger. "Is that the word you're looking for?! I can't believe...I thought that...I just...you!!"

Twilight flinched.

"Back in Cloudsdale, the other kids would tease me all the time! Oh, look, it's Rainbow Dash, do you think she's a colt or a filly? Oh, hahaha, it's Rainbow Dash the filly-fooler, watch out, she might try and kiss you, even though you're not even her type!"

Rainbow Dash was now in her face, screaming, wings flapping furiously, and Twilight was pulling back uncertainly, tipping back her chair as far as it could go, when she was struck with inspiration.

"Oh! Good! This is good!" she shouted, suddenly eager. "Keep talking! Tell me everything you're keeping bottled up! Don't be afraid to share!"

"I thought that in Ponyville I could start again and get away from all that, and now you tell me that it's the exact same thing all over again? I can't believe this! And, and, and the wing thing isn't my fault, okay?! I don't control it, it just happens! It's natural it's, it's...why am I even telling you this?"

Suddenly defeated, Rainbow Dash slumped back down onto the couch, drooping despondantly. "Whatever. I don't care."

The clock was still ticking, as steady as ever. Tock, tock, tock.

Twilight was nervous, twiddling her quill in the air. Either she was doing something wrong or she was doing too well. The book said that sometimes patients lost their patience during therapy. At first she'd thought it was just a silly attempt at a joke, but now she was suspecting that it was all too true. Applejack had gotten angry, and now Rainbow was upset. Maybe it was time to change the subject.

"So," she began awkwardly. "I...I have something written up for you. Um. Do you want to hear it?"

"Whatever."

"Tell me if you agree. Do you ever feel extremely proud of yourself?"

"Not right now," Rainbow mumbled, still not meeting the unicorn's eyes.

Twilight twitched.

"Of course you do!" She said quickly, writing it down. "You totally do! Just a few minutes ago you were talking about how you were born awesome from childhood, right? You feel proud of yourself all the time!"

"Heh." The corner of Rainbow Dash's mouth lifted slightly in a tiny smile. "I did, yeah."

"And you don't want to change that, do you?"

"I guess not."

"Right! You're awesome and you know it! Aren't you?"

"Y...yeah!" Rainbow said. She lifted her head. She was truly smiling now, wearing that familiar fierce expression. "Yeah, I know it! The Dash is the coolest pony around, everypony knows that!"

"You need to be the center of attention!"

"Yeah! What else could you need to see when I'm around? I'm all anypony needs, am I right? When I'm around, all eyes should be on me!"

"Right! And you won't let anypony tell you otherwise!"

"Yeah!"

"You know what you want, and you want it now!"

"YEAH!" Rainbow Dash shouted, suddenly standing on the sofa, hooves raised in the air in triumph.

"Right! I'm glad you agree." Twilight announced formally, suddenly back to the clipped, professional tone she was using before. "So, just so you know, I've come to the conclusion that you have histrionic personality disorder."

"YEAH! Wait, what?" She had her head cocked, dumbfounded. "What the hay does that mean?"

"Histrionic Personality Disorder." Twilight began, reciting from memory. She had prepared her friends papers far in advance, and had essentially memorized the symptoms and descriptions of all of their issues. It was the least she could do, after all. "Characterized by a long-standing pattern of attention seeking behaviour. Wants to be the center of attention in any group of ponies, uncomfortable when they're not. Lively, interesting, and dramatic, but sometimes perceived as shallow. May engage in sexually provocative behavior to -"

"WHAT?!"

"May engage in sexually seductive or provocating behavior to -"

"Nonononono." Rainbow said, shaking her head. "I heard you the first time, you dork. But what are you even talking about?"

"I did some reading on the signs and symptoms and think it fits you. Plus, ponies with HPD need constant reassurance or approval, and are really sensitive to criticism. Remember at the Best Young Flyers competition? You were practically paralyzed with fear at the thought of messing up!"

Twilight sounded bafflingly happy to say that, like being paralyzed with fear was the best possible fate.

"But, but that doesn't meant anything!" Rainbow protested, voice cracking. Her already raspy voice was growing hoarser with all of her shouting.

Shouting.

Dramatic behavior?

The more she was thinking about it, the more...

The more...it kind of......almost...sounded exactly like her.

"There are numerous potential causes," Twilight continued importantly, ignoring the personal crisis Rainbow Dash was evidently having right in front of her. "Genetics, for one. But it's also typically rooted in childhood, which was why I was asking you about your family. There are a number of different therapies available, though, so don't worry, I can help you. The book recommends cognitive behavioral therapy, or even psychoanalytic psychotherapy. Doesn't that sound fun?"

Rainbow Dash had already risen to her hooves unsteadily and stumbled out of the library in a daze.

It felt as if nothing made sense anymore. As if her entire worldview was shattered, perhaps, and she needed some time to really think things through.

But Twilight didn't notice, satisfied that she'd been able to help Rainbow Dash and that she could move onto her next friend.

Which was, she reminded herself, noting her checklist, going to be Rarity.

Chapter 3: Rarity

Twilight was discouraged.

Her mentor had sent her these psychology textbooks when she'd first expressed concern for her friends. After all, everypony she knew had seemed to lose it at some point during the time she'd spent in Ponyville so far. Princess Celestia had suggested finding understanding through study, so that she could better accept these quirks.

But Twilight had had a better idea - fix them.

And nothing was going well at all. Stubborn Applejack was refusing to speak to her, and Rainbow Dash had just moped around for a while before flying off into the sunset to find herself.

Books had never failed her before, but maybe this was the exception.

She stared into the mirror; she looked as exhausted and frustrated as she felt.

This was not the time to give up, she reminded herself.

Was she the kind of pony who just threw in the towel when the going got tough?

No!

With newfound courage rising up within her, she swept her hair back into a tidy knot and smiled at her reflection. It was time to get Rarity.

"Darling! Love the glasses, they're so fetching! And the hair! You really ought to wear it up more often, librarian chic is so in right now! Oh, you simply must come inside, I have the perfect little - "

"I'm here for business today, not pleasure." Twilight interrupted. She stood on the front step of Carousel Boutique, having adopted a determined stance to match her new attitude.

"Of course," Rarity cooed, putting away the hat she'd just dug out. She cleared her throat with a slight 'ahem' before beaming her best smile at Twilight and announcing in her shop-voice, "Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is -"

"I'm not here to shop." Twilight said firmly. With purpose!

"Oh."

Rarity blinked.

"Then forgive me, Twilight, but why are you here?"

"I..."

"Does it have anything to do with this psychology nonsense Applejack and Rainbow Dash are so worked up about?"

"It's not nonsense!" Twilight snapped, before regaining her composure. "I mean, this is very serious. And I would like to help you, too."

"Why, of course!" Came Rarity's unexpected answer.

Twilight was taken aback. So far, nopony had reacted at all positively to her attempts to help. But Rarity was intelligent, she reasoned, and must have recognized that it was for her own good.

"Can I come in?" She ventured, peering through the doorway.

"I must insist on it! But do be a good houseguest and wipe your hooves first."

"Of course."

"The truth is, I was a tiny bit jealous," Rarity admitted, sauntering to a red velvet sofa and draping herself over it in her characteristically dramatic fashion. Twilight blinked. Where had the sofa come from? "Therapy and rehabilitation is so fashionable right now. All the major celebrities have some sort of emotional baggage, but my own closet is shamefully free of skeletons. Having some sort of issues really ought to add to my mystique, don't you think?"

As she talked, Rarity summoned a cushy-looking armchair out of nowhere, and Twilight settled into it gratefully. "Thanks, Rarity. This is a nice change from -"

"Oh, not there, darling." Rarity said quickly. "It's not straight. Do get up."

Twilight frowned, but complied, rising to her hooves and watching Rarity adjust it a fraction of an inch with an expression of the utmost concentration. "There!" she declared at last, satisfierd. Twilight didn't see the difference.

"Ah, like I was saying, this is a nice change from how...uncooperative everypony else has been so far. But I think you might be misunderstanding. I'm not here to give you a problem, I'm here to fix -"

"Wait!"

Twilight froze. Tendrils of unicorn magic swept over her, and she felt the bun of her mane twist even more tightly behind her neck.

"Rarity?" she asked haltingly.

"It was crooked," Rarity said just as quickly as before. "Do continue."

Twilight's eyes narrowed.

She hadn't noticed before, but Rarity's gaze was flitting back and forth nervously, tiny sweeps of flickering magic adjusting the rack of dresses she'd abandoned to answer thre door, even as she spoke to Twilight.

"Well, what's my diagnosis?" Rarity prompted, smiling. But Twilight's stare didn't leave the fidgeting swirls of magic until Rarity noticed her gaze and dropped what she was doing.

"I...I was going to say narcissistic personality disorder," the purple unicorn said slowly. Rarity had been sitting still before, but she was now twitching slightly, eyes flickering back and forth in a barely perceptible way. "Rarity, are you okay?"

"Okay? Aren't you here to tell me that?" she laughed. Her laugh was light and tinkling, a noblewoman's laugh, but it had a nervous edge.

"You can't sit still."

"Well, maybe I could if somepony didn't still have dirt all over her hooves that she tracked into my beautiful boutique!" Rarity snapped before catching herself. "I mean - narcissistic personality disorder? Why, that just sounds lovely, doesn't it?"

"I think I may have made a mistake."

"Oh, no mistake, it sounds wonderful!" And she clapped her hooves together eagerly for emphasis.

There was something about the rushing insistence in Rarity's voice that caught Twilight's attention even further; and then, a dress fell off the rack.

Before it had even hit the ground Rarity was there, frantically adjusting it and muttering about getting it straight.

She did this for about five minutes, not even noticing as Twilight quietly appeared by her side.

"Rarity."

"Oh, oh no, and I had it all perfect, too! Why is there dirt on the floor?! I just cleaned it this morning -!"

"RARITY."

Rarity's ear twitched. And then she turned to Twilight, beaming once again, just as she had earlier when she'd first entered the shop. "Hello, Twilight, dear! When did you get here?"

"I thought your problem was your vanity, but I think this is a bigger issue."

"Issue? What issues?" Rarity asked in a far-away voice, absently playing with a curl of hair. It was an obviously insincere gesture, only heightening Twilight's suspicions.

"Have you always been so obsessed with order?" She asked firmly.

"Oh, like you're one to talk!" Rarity suddenly snapped in a very un-ladylike fashion. "Miss Oh-No-I'll-Be-Tardy!"

"I think...you may have obsessive compulsive disorder." Twilight interrupted with finality, ignoring the jibe. As Ponyville's first

therapist she needed to stay above such petty insults. "A disruptive obsession with cleanliness and patterns that -"

She stopped. Rarity's left eye was twitching in a very unsettling way.

And suddenly she was sprawled on the floor, enormous gasping sobs escaping as she wailed, "IT'S TRUE! IT'S ALL TRUE!"

Twilight tried to take a step back, but Rarity threw her hooves around Twilight's legs, hugging them and keeping her from escaping as she howled, "And it's so glamorous! I tried so hard to hide it, but of course you found out, and now everypony will know! Oh, how scandalous! Why must I be burdened with a problem so..so...so unfabulous?! Who could stand a pony like me? Why must it be this way? Why me, WHY ME? WHY MUST I SUFFER SOOO?!"

Quietly pulling away, Twilight began to back up slowly. Rarity didn't even notice, too busy screeching on the floor.

And suddenly she bolted upright.

"Ah! Dirt! Why is the floor so dirty?!"

Bleach, mops, and buckets of warm water began to float into the room, and Twilight left as Rarity fell into a scrubbing frenzy, a

manic glint in her eye.

Maybe I'm not meant to do this, thought Twilight weakly as she left the boutique, ignoring the clatter she could hear from the dress shop.

Then again, maybe Fluttershy would be easier. She was such a sweet pony, her session couldn't possibly turn out as badly as the others had.

Chapter 4: Fluttershy

A/N: And so, after a hiatus of several weeks, I return with...this. Was it worth it? No. Could I have done a lot better? Yes. Could I have at least put in the effort necessary to make it a tiny bit longer? Probably. But I plan to revise the entire thing later on, so hopefully version two or whatever will be at least 20% cooler.

Fluttershy was very concerned.

Contrary to popular opinion, she was not normally a scaredy-pony. Well, maybe she was. But she wasn't a worrywart. Most of the time. Well, when she worried, she worried for a reason; that was the best way to put it. She never worried over 'nothing.' Mostly.

Applejack was steaming over some unknown insult, refusing to discuss it and bucking apples. Only she'd given up on the "apple" part and was just bucking, kicking the same tree over and over again to vent her anger. Fluttershy had never seen her normally sweet friend so worked up over anything before, except for maybe Rarity. The two of them tended to argue a lot, now that she thought about it. Fluttershy had considered asking her what was wrong, but decided that it wouldn't be a good idea to get between a workhorse and her...work.

Rainbow Dash had flown off into the sunset and hadn't been seen for three days. Nopony knew where she'd gone, only that she'd left a note saying "don't try to find me." Nopony had. Fluttershy had considered it, but had decided the idea was too frightening to think about. As much as she was worried about the blue pegasus, she trusted her to take care of herself. She wouldn't have asked for nopony to look for her if she hadn't been absolutely positive nothing would happen to her. At least, that's what Fluttershy chose to believe. It was easier than thinking about what might have actually happened.

Rarity had locked herself in her boutique. The stench of bleach and lemon cleaners wafted from the open windows, and when Fluttershy had tried to go meet her for their weekly trip to the spa, the doors had been locked. She had tried to knock, only to hear her friend screech something about disgusting filthy hooves touching her door. Fluttershy hadn't even considered trying to reason with her, because she knew how Rarity got when she was cleaning, and it just wasn't worth it. So she had gone to the spa alone. She didn't want to ask anyone to take the trouble of accompanying her.

Twilight seemed generally out of sorts. She was mumbling to herself more than usual, and seemed very stressed about something. Not only that, but she seemed to have lost track of Spike, not even noticing that he wasn't staying at the library for the time being. (Fluttershy had offered him sanctuary until Twilight got back to normal.) That was definitely not like her. Normally, Twilight was nothing if not responsible.

Pinkie Pie was Pinkie Pie.

All in all, it had been a very strange week for her and her friends. None of them seemed to be speaking to each other, and they all seemed very upset about something; it was as if they'd had a big fight, only none of them had thought to mention it to her. Fluttershy was a little hurt at the thought, but decided to believe they hadn't said anything because they didn't want to worry her.

If there was one thing guaranteed to push Fluttershy to action, it was knowing that her friends were hurting somehow. The truth was, she could be bold when she needed to be; she just needed a little push in the right direction. And knowing that her friends were in trouble was just the push she needed.

And so, on a bright sunny day in summer, she left her cottage alone, ignoring the trepidation she felt and instead embracing the courage rising within her at the thought of a chance to practice being assertive.

The door slammed behind her.

"EEK!"

Twilight was in the library like she'd expected. It had taken quite a while to work up the courage to knock; after all, Twilight lived in such a big house, it was a little intimidating for a pony like Fluttershy, who was used to everything behind quiet and tidy. But it was important her for her to get over here fears; after all, Twilight had seemed the safest bet when Fluttershy had asked herself which pony she should approach first. Twilight Sparkle tended to be the most rational and reasonable of any of her other friends.

When Twilight answered the door, she looked anything but reasonable.

"Oh, my!" Fluttershy had gasped when she saw her. "Are you all right?"

She looked completely and utterly exhausted; but she offered the butter-yellow pegasus a strained smile. "Oh, Fluttershy!" She cried, feigning delight. "I was just about to go looking for you!"

"Oh, dear, oh, dear," Fluttershy clucked in her motherly way, gently pushing her inside. "You look so tired! You really need some rest."

"Wha-? I guess maybe I'm a little exhausted. I've had a frustrating day."

Fluttershy was quietly pushing her down on a chaise lounger, but Twilight didn't even pretend to put up a fight. She really was tired, after all.

"Tell me everything that happened," Fluttershy cooed when Twilight was settled in on the sofa, and the purple unicorn couldn't help but give a wry grin. Fluttershy was treating her like one of her injured animals, and she was just letting her. After the kind of day she'd had, getting fussed over was surprisingly agreeable.

"Well," she began, and at once she had all of Fluttershy's attention, eyes wide and sincere. "I've been doing some research on psychology, basically, for personal reasons, and I've wanted to try sharing what I've learned. So first I spoke to Applejack, and I tried to explain my theories, but she - "

"Um..." Fluttershy began, then caught herself. Flushing at the interruption, she glanced upright, then quickly glanced down, nervously pawing at the ground.

"Yes...?" Twilight asked. Fluttershy was so rarely assertive; it was probably a result of her social anxiety. As Ponyville's first practicing psychologist, it was up to her to encourage her to come out of her shell, even at the cost of basic manners.

"Um, well, it's just...uh...what sort of theories?"

There was something pressing about the way she asked the question that made Twilight frown, puzzled. She hadn't really expected Fluttershy of all ponies to be especially interested in her work. "Nothing special. I just did a little reading on autism. It's fascinating, really. You see..."

Fluttershy was looking straight at her with those penetrating eyes, somehow compelling Twilight to be silent. "Did you talk to her about what you read?"

"...yes...?"

"Oh. I see." And Fluttershy smiled in that cute way of hers, bobbing her head slightly to indicate that Twilight could continue. "I'm very, very sorry that I interrupted you. What else were you saying?"

"Uh..."

Fluttershy had covered her in a blanket, and the warmth of the library and softness of the chaise lounger were making Twilight incredibly sleepy. She had to stifle a yawn behind a hoof before she could continue. Her eyes were beginning to grow sore from the glasses, and her head ached from having such a tight knot in her mane all day. More than anything else, she wanted to just sleep, right here, right now.

"Uh..." Twilight yawned again. "Well, next I talked to Rainbow Dash, and I told her about histrionic personality disorder. But I think I gave her one of her panic attacks."

"Do you know where she is right now?" Fluttershy asked pleasantly. "I've been so worried about her. Poor dear."

"Not...really."

"I see. And did you talk to Rarity, too?"

"Uh-huh. I just got back from Carousel Boutique." Twilight gave a little giggle. "Things got kind of crazy. I don't think Rarity was really ready to listen to what I had to say."

"What did you have to say?" Fluttershy asked, again turning the full force of her enormous blue-green eyes on Twilight, compelling her to answer.

"I..." And for a moment, Twilight's mind was blank, and she honestly couldn't remember what she'd said. What had she told Rarity? Oh, right. "I told her that I thought she had narcissistic personality disorder, but then she started acting very...obsessive compulsively."

"Did you know that Rarity has been struggling with obsessive compulsive disorder for a very long time?" Fluttershy asked, again in that sweet, agreeable way. But there was an underlying menace to her words, one that took Twilight by surprise. Fluttershy had never seemed ominous in any way before now, but something about her question, despite the innocent nature of it, seemed like a veiled threat.

"No...?" Twilight ventured. She recoiled slightly, hitching the blanket up so that it covered her more fully.

"Oh, yes. It's been very hard for her. And I suppose Rainbow Dash was very upset when she left, wasn't she?"

"Maybe...?"

"I bet she was. It's very important to her that everypony thinks well of her. I don't know what she'd do if she thought anypony was looking down on her. Maybe she'd even run away?"

"I guess...?"

"And Applejack works so hard for her family, I bet she'd be really insulted if somepony dared to tell her that there was something wrong with her and the way she's been living. Right?"

"It's possible...?"

"I bet you were looking for me because you had something to tell me, didn't you?"

Fluttershy was pressing closer and closer, smile huge and eyes wide, but the threat was no longer implied; it was there and it was very, very real, in the way she was moving closer to Twilight despite the unicorn's considerably more vulnerable position.

There was a moment of silence, and it suddenly occurred to Twilight that every single other conversation she'd had with anypony else had also included a moment of awkward silence. Maybe there's a pattern here, she thought guiltily.

And then she snapped.

"HOW DARE YOU?!" Fluttershy screamed, and Twilight cringed, eyes huge in shock. Fluttershy had always been the most delicate and innocent of her friends, and except for the incident with the dragon and at the Gala, she'd never heard her angry before. Never had she expected to have Fluttershy angry at her.

"HOW DARE YOU?! YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO INSULT MY FRIENDS?" Fluttershy spat, ears twitching, wings beating fast and hard in fury and face twisted in anger as she shouted. "YOU MAY BE THE SMARTEST UNICORN TO EVER COME OUT OF EQUESTRIA, BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE A KNOW-IT-ALL! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME HERE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE AND JUDGE US? YOU THINK YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT? JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FEW FANCY BOOKS FROM YOUR PRINCESS, DOESN'T MEAN YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!"

"Fluttershy?!"

"YOU DO NOT! GET! TO HURT! MY! FRIENDS!"

Her bellowing seemed to shake the very foundations of the house, and Twilight continued to back up until with a sudden tumble she tipped over the edge of the chaise, landing on the floor with a thud. Wincing, she rubbed her head with a hoof and looked up, only to find herself staring into the furious eyes of Fluttershy.

"Fluttershy, what's wrong with you?!" Twilight cried, quickly rising to her legs. They were weak from exhaustion and shook under her weight, and she began to scramble to back up; but Fluttershy continued to press forward until she had Twilight backed up against a wall, clumsily bumping into a bookshelf.

"YOU'D BETTER STOP THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DON'T, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU DO! IF I FIND OUT THAT YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO ANYPONY ELSE ABOUT THIS, I'LL MAKE YOU WISH YOU'D NEVER COME TO PONYVILLE!"

And then, just as suddenly as it had begun, the rage stopped, and Fluttershy primly touched down on the ground, folding her wings daintily and clearing her through with a soft "ahem."

"There, there" she said soothingly, reaching over to caress Twilight's cheek with a gentle hoof and eyeing the frazzled terror on the unicorn's. "That wasn't too bad, was it? You're not the first pony I've had to lecture. Everypony needs a little guidance sometimes. All you have to do is apologize to everypony, and I'm sure they'll forgive you, and then everything will be nice again. Okay?"

"Okay," Twilight squeaked.

Fluttershy beamed a winning smile. "I need to go now; it's feeding time" she said lightly, turning to leave. "But thank you very much for having this talk with me. It's been lovely."

And she left, leaving Twilight standing alone among her shelves of books, watching her in shock.

"Okay." Twilight said aloud, sighing heavily. She magically removed the glasses and undid her hair, then telekinetically threw the frames as hard as she could out the open window. She didn't see where they landed, and didn't care, slumping resignedly to the floor. "I'm done. I can't do this anymore."