Twilight Sparkle Writes Erotica
lilinuyasha
“Girls, girls, girls!” shouted Twilight excitedly, galloping off to meet the rest of her friends for the weekly pony-pet playdate.
“What is it, Darling?” asked Rarity, struggling to keep Opalescence from attacking Tank.
“I’ve been looking into writing recently.”
“Well that’s fabulous! I always knew a mare of your talents could get into the literary world at some point.”
“Aw, thanks.” said Twilight, blushing, kicking the ground with her hooves.
“What are you going to write about?” asked Fluttershy. “Cute little animals?”
“High speed chases?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Dazzling royalty?”
“Farm life?”
“Parties!?!?!” Pinkie yelled excitedly, getting in Twilight’s face.
“Well, I suppose those could all be settings, but no.”
“Well...then what?” asked Rainbow, hovering over her. The rest of the gang leaned in, begging for more details.
“Well...this is kind of embarrassing...”
“Do get on with it, Dear.” Rarity said, motioning for her to spit it out.
“Well, you see, I’ve been looking into what kinds of books have been popular recently. The ones making the most money. Turns out, the one that’s been most stable over time is...well...”
“Action?”
“Adventure?”
“Mystery?”
“Daring Do?”
“Actually...” started Twilight, blushing, a sheepish grin on her face. “Erotica.”
“Er...uh...” started Rainbow Dash. Everyone else stared in complete silence.
“WHO?” shouted Owlicious, who had apparently not heard this.
“That’s...nice.” said Fluttershy, her face scarlet.
“Yes...wonderful.” started Rarity, struggling to find her words. “Um...have you...have you ever...well...how do I ask this...” she stuttered.
“Have you ever...done it?” asked Rainbow Dash, struggling not to laugh.
“Done what?” asked Twilight.
“Well...you know. It.”
“What is “It”?”
“Oh, sweet Celestia...” started Pinkie. “They’re asking if you’ve ever gotten laid.”
“Oh, no, of course not. I’ve always wanted to visit Horsewai’i, though.” she said, blissfully oblivious.
“Twilight...are you seriously...not understanding?” asked Rainbow Dash, concerned.
“Look, Sugarcube, I might as well tell you the truth.” start Applejack, removing her hat. “They’re askin’ about sex.”
“Oh, sweet Celestia, no! That’s disgusting!” said Twilight, angrily. “Why would you ask such a question?”
“Do you even know what erotica IS, Twilight?” asked Rarity.
“It’s a genre. I haven’t done much research on it, but it can’t be too hard, right?”
“Actually, it SHOULD be hard.” snickered Rainbow.
“Well, I do like a challenge. Hopefully this is a project I can get into.”
“More like the project will get into you.” Rainbow said, belting out in laughter.
“I don’t get it.” Twilight said, scratching her head. “Am I missing something here?”
“Yes. Yes you are, Dear.” said Rarity. “How about you just go back and get started on it?”
“That actually sounds like a fantastic idea!” she said. “I just wanted to make sure to come by and tell you all my new project.” she smiled.
“Well, we’re...uh...eager to see how it will turn out!” said Applejack, with a face like she was in pain.
“Thanks, girls. I’ll bring over a rough draft tomorrow and let you get a look at it.”
“Don’t get the paper wet along the way.” Pinkie said, kicking her hooves in laughter.
“Why would I do that?”
“Um...well...you see...” started Fluttershy, before being cut off by Rarity.
“Just urging you to take proper precautions is all! Now go ahead, go!”
“Thanks, girls.” she said, smiling, trotting off towards the library.
“This...this won’t end well.” said Applejack. “I’m sure we’ll hear her when she first finds out.”
“Well...I suppose we have to prepare ourselves to read it.”
“Yes...um...I’ll be sick tomorrow.”
“You can’t call in sick the day before, Fluttershy.”
“Well...” she said, starting to cough. “I’m getting sick right now. Gotta go!” she finished, clutching angel, flying away to the cottage.
“Alrighty then.” said Rainbow Dash. “I guess we’ll just call it good for the day.”
***
“Erotica...Erotica...” mumbled Twilight, flipping through her dictionary. “Egrarious...enticed..epilepsy...Equestria...”
“Twilight, what are you doing?” asked Spike, rubbing his eyes. “It’s nearly midnight.”
“I’m doing research. Erase...erect...”
“Just...just keep it down.” he said. “I’m going to bed.”
“Sure thing.” she said, giving him a small kiss on the forehead. “Sleep well.”
“Yeah. I’ll try.” he said, trudging upstairs.
“Mkay...erect...erotica, there we go. Let’s see...Erotica...Noun. Literature or art explicitly dealing with WHAT?” she yelled. “Oh, Sweet Celestia, no! That’s disgusting! I’ve never done that before, how can I write about that? Oh, horsefeathers...Sweet Celestia, I...” she ranted, eventually sighing. “I...it’s popular. This is what I told the girls I’d do, so you know what? I’m gonna do it, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I can’t just immediately told them I gave up! This is...this is...this is something that requires more research, clearly.” she said, sighing. “Time to get the anatomy books out.”
Twilight shuffled through the library’s biology and medicine section, removing books on Equine anatomy and a book she hadn’t noticed before, labeled “The mating practices of the domestic Equine: a reference guide.” Hoping she had enough information, she sat down and began flipping through pages.
“Mkay, let’s see what exactly this “sex” thing is I’ve heard about.” she said to herself. Shortly after her Canterlot school had started their “Sex ed” program, Twilight had pulled out to become Celestia’s apprentice. All she knew was that it made babies. And that it tore apart the peepees of the mares who gave birth. “Mkay...The standard female anatomy.” she noted, looking at a visual diagram. “Mkay, nothing I haven’t seen before.” she said, looking down between her legs, then back at the book. “So that’s the...vervum?” she mumbled, touching her body on its corresponding parts. “And that’s the clitoris...Sweet Celestia, there’s so much more to this thing than just the peepee. Where is that thing, anyway?” she asked, flipping through the book. “Vaginal canal...uterus...where’s the peepee? This book forgot it...stupid publishers. Whatever.” she said. “Mkay, let’s see...” she started, touching and naming all of her body parts again.
“Now...anatomy of the stallion.” she said, flipping the page. “WHAT IS THAT THING?” she yelped, unable to process what was on the page. “Is that a convex vaginal canal? And those two things...are those his uteruses? This makes no sense.” she said, slamming the book closed. She panted heavily, hoping she never had to see that again. Writing was one thing. Visual imagery, however, was another. She tossed the book aside, opening the mating ritual book. “Let’s see here...” she started, reading the chapter on love and intercourse. ““A stallion and a mare usually find each other as mates when involved in a romantic relationship. When it is time, the mare will go into heat, and the stallion will be signaled to perform intercourse.
Intercourse. The act of consummation with a member of the opposite sex. Consummation is achieved by the stallion getting aroused, making his penis become erect. Wait a minute...That’s what it’s called? And how does it get erect? You erect buildings with cranes...this sounds painful. Mkay...the mare, now lubricated by her own juices, releases a pheromone to attract the stallion. I was never really a big juice person. I do like Apple cider though, so maybe that will do. The stallion will then proceed to insert his...into...oh. He will repeat this process until orgasm, in which he will secrete his seed inside the mare. What the hell are seeds? What am I reading? Why do they call it orgasm? That’s just a super emotional state. Maybe they cry? Oh, Sweet Celestia, this is going to be terrible. Let’s just...oh, dear.” she started, gulping. “Let’s...let’s a go...” she started, levitating her quill and ink towards her. She immediately began scrawling out a rough draft to the best of her ability.
***
“Oh, girls!” said Twilight, stumbling in a bleary, sleep-deprived stupor. “You came!”
“Yeah, I hope we’re not the only ones coming.” snickered Rainbow.
“No, I only invited you.”
“Twilight, is this going to be good? This better be good. I’m going to be wet, right?” Rainbow asked again, a mischievous smile on her face.
“Rainbow! So uncouth!” said Rarity, huffing. “Be a lady!”
“Well then, Madam Sparkle,” started Rainbow, in a terrible Canterlot accent “Dost thy literature bring about enhanced moisture between thy legs?”
“I’m too tired to brain right now.” said Twilight.
“Twilight, tell me...” said Rainbow. “What’s a pussy?”
“A cat. Why?”
“A cock?”
“A rooster.”
“Dick?”
“That’s a nickname for Richard. Commonly known in referenec to a detective comic from the 40’s.”
“Snatch?”
“To steal. Why all the questions?”
“Eating carpet?”
“I have hardwood floors, I don’t need to worry about that. Here.” she said, levitating 5 copies of her novel towards each pony in the room. “It’s not really done yet, but that’s just the part.”
“Why don’t you get some sleep?” Rarity suggested, looking at the 25 page stack of paper in her hooves. “We’ll wake you up when we’re all done.”
“Mkay!” Twilight said, immediately dropping to the floor, snoring almost immediately.
“Well...let’s get this over with.” said Applejack.
“There’d better be a party in here somewhere.” said Pinkie, as they all started reading.
***
The cute little animals were all having a nice party. Unbeknownst to them, a high speed chase was headed their way. Little Squirrel’s birthday was soon crashed by two dazzling royal ponies chasing after each other.
“We’re in a relationship!” said Dazzle, the female.
“Yes we are!” shouted the stallion, Bejeweled.
Eventually, they stopped outside the residence of Dazzle, huffing to catch their breath. They looked deep into each other’s eyes.
“I live here.” she said. “This is my home.”
“Yes it is. Shall we go inside?”
“Yes, since I live here.” she said, opening the door. They stepped inside, taking a seat on the living room couch.
“It is so wonderful to be in a relationship with you.” she said.
“Indeed, we are in a relationship.”
“Say, we have been in a relationship for a long time.”
“Yes.”
“Well...” she started, turning on the nearby space heater. “I’m in heat.”
“Yes. The heater makes it hot.” he said, being signaled.
“Indeed. I shall return momentarily.” she said, leaving the room. She returned with a bottle of grape juice, twisting the cap, pouring it all over herself. “I am now properly lubricated with my own juices.”
“I can see.” he said. “Give it a few more minutes for the construction company to erect my convex vagina.” he said. No sooner than he had finished, the roof crashed in, and a giant crane lowered down. A workpony stepped into the ruined living room, grabbing Bejeweld’s Convex vagina and dangling uteruses, hooking them up to the crane material.
“Pull!” he shouted, as the crane hoisted him up. Once his penis was erected, the workponies left the scene.
“I am secreting my pheromone.”
“Yes.” he said, mounting himself behind her. “I am now going to insert my convex vaginal canal inside of your concave vagina, presumably touching your vervum and clitoris.”
“I understand.” she said.
“I am now repeatedly pushing it in and out.”
“I can feel it.” she said, being bounced back and forth between his thrusts. Suddenly, and without warning, Bejeweled started bawling, drenching her back with his tears.
“I’m having an orgasm!” he yelled, sobbing.
“I can feel your seeds!” she said. Suddenly, seeds of all different sorts were secreted from his convex vaginal canal. Carrot seeds, watermelon seeds, strawberry seeds, pumpkin, bell pepper, jalepeno, cucumber, apple, peach, pear, and a plethora of other farm fruit seeds filled every inch of her vaginal canal. As he removed his convex vaginal canal, the seeds started bursting, filling the room with a wonderful fruit/vegetable medley smell, as apples and oranges and pears and peaches and cucumbers and carrots started falling out of her vaginal canal. Bejeweled almost immediately stopped crying.
“My orgasm is over. It only lasted a few seconds.”
“Yes. Your seeds have sprouted inside of me, creating new life.”
“Yes. Shall we make a salad?”
“Yes. And then I would like to consummate again, since we are in a relationship in a heated room and I’m still wet from grape juice.”
“Indeed, we are in a relationship in a heated room with you still covered in grape juice. I love you.” he said, giving her a quick, loving kiss on the cheek.
“I love you too, Bejeweled.”
***
“What the fuck did I just read?” asked Rainbow. “That was...”
“Kinda hot, actually. Especially the parts with the fruit.” said Applejack, fidgeting around in her seat.
“Oh, rubbish, this was complete tripe!” said Rarity.
“It’s...nice?” said Fluttershy, unsure of what to think.
“I don’t even...That was the worst party I’ve ever read.” said Pinkie.
“Hm?” asked Twilight, snapping back to life. “Did you like it?”
“Sure!”
“Yes!”
“Totally!”
“High quality stuff!”
“Oh, good.” she said, rubbing her eyes. “I was thinking of getting it published once I finish it.”
“Oh, dear God...” said Applejack, eyes as large as saucer plates.
“What?”
“That’s...the best idea I’ve ever heard!” said Rainbow, nudging everyone else.
“Yeah, totally!”
“Well good. After a nap, I’ll write a little more. I’m tired.”
“Well, get some rest, Darling.” said Rarity, snickering. “We’ll see you later, I suppose.” she finished. She motioned her head towards the door of the library, signaling the time to leave.
“Yeah, sure thing!”
“Bye!”
“We’ll come by later!”
“Thanks, girls. it means a lot to have such loyal, honest friends like you helping me improve. I’ll see you later!”
“Bye!” they all said, closing the door behind them.
“Do you think we should tell her?” asked Fluttershy.
“Nah. It’ll be funnier this way.” said Rainbow.
“That seems rather cruel.” Fluttershy added. “I wouldn’t want to be stuck in that position...”
“That’s what makes it even more funny, dear.” said Rarity. “Now, come on. Let’s head down to the store and get some mind bleach.”
“I second that.” said Applejack. “I feel like I have to wash my entire orchard.”
“Those poor critters had a ruined birthday...”
“Well. let us never speak of this again.” said Rarity. “At least, not until we have to.”
A gentle, but forceful rap at the door resounded about the recently upgraded Library.
“Humph.” Twilight humphed, humphing. “The Plebeians must be demanding my attention.”
She threw on her diamond-studded cape, clutching her cane. She carefully trotted to the door, opening it to reveal her good friend Applejack.
“Oh, well Hello, Applejack!” she said, throwing her cane in a different direction. “What can I do for you?”
“Twi, can I talk to you?”
“Why sure, Applejack! Come on in!” she said, extending her hoof as an invitation. She threw her diamond studded cape into a pile labeled “Used-throw away” and took a seat on her Dragonskin couch. “What can I do for you?”
“Well...” Applejack started, fidgeting in her seat, trying to get comfortable.
“Autographed copies are 20 bits.”
“What? No, Sugarcube, I didn’t come here for that. The girls have been talking and we’ve noticed your success. We were wondering if, perhaps...there were any pointers you wanted to give us? We think it’d be great to write erotica together. You know, as a great...um...friendship...lesson...thing. To Celestia.”
“Well, I suppose that could be a good idea, but Honey, We can’t collaborate. My publisher made that very clear. However, I do know that you’re just trying to freeride off my success! Now, if you want to write erotica, go ahead. I can’t stop you. But not everybody likes the same writing style. I mean, my publisher said that my novel was so popular because it was a “Trollfic”. I don’t remember putting trolls in there, but I guess it’s some weird publishing term I’m not aware of. Many people hate my novel. Lots like it. Just write your own thing.Just Do something that you know bitches will love.”
“Well...Ok, Sugarcube. We just feel it might be getting to your head a bit also.”
“Well of course it is! Have you SEEN my new crown?”
“Twilight, that’s not a good thing.”
“Are you mocking me, Plebeian?”
“Plebeian? Twilight, I just came to let you know you were an inspiration and-”
“SILENCE! Do not patronize me!”
“I wasn’t-”
“Leave!” she shouted, pointing towards the door. Applejack got on all fours, huffing.
“You know what? FINE! We’ll ALL write our own novels and they’ll all be BETTER THAN YOURS!”
“Good!”
“Fine!” she yelled, stomping out the door. Twilight slammed it behind her, laying back down on the couch. She had nearly broken a sweat.
“Jenkins?” she called. A Butler pony soon trotted in.
“Yes, Madam Sparkle?”
“Please make me the usual.”
“Already prepared, Madam.” he said, handing her a glass. She smiled.
“Thank you, Jenkins. Country folk just have no respect for how hard it is to find a butler named Jenkins.”
“Certainly not, Madam.”
***
“But Sis, I wanna know!”
“Absolutely not, Applebloom! This is not the kind of book a filly like you should be readin’!”
“Then why are you writin’ it?”
“It’s for Princess Celestia. Now SHOO!”
“Aw...” Applebloom hung her head low, trotting out the door, shutting it behind her. Applejack sighed, staring at the blank page before her. What could she write about? She had to one-up Twilight, that was for sure, but could she realistically do that?
“Just stick to what you know, Applejack...” she said. reassuring herself. “What do I know more about anything?” She took a bite of an apple she had on her desk, a snack for the night. “What do I know about erotica?”
“Next to nothin’.” said Big McIntosh, poking his head in the door. Applejack slammed her head on the desk.
“You don’t count! That was ONCE!”
“Twice.”
“Get the fuck out of my room.”
Big Mac chuckled, closing her door again. Applejack was drawing blanks on materials. She had nothing to write about. What did bitches like? Something that bitches liked...
“Winona!” she called, embarrassed. “Come here, girl!” She heard Winona scamper up the stairs, panting.
“Yes, AJ?” she asked. “Are we going to play fetch?”
“Is that what bitches like?”
“...what?” she asked, confused. She cocked her head.
“Long story. What do bitches like? I’m writing a novel.”
“Well, I like playing fetch. Rounding up cattle with you...bones. I like chewing on bones, that’s for sure. I like tummy rubs, licking faces...”
“Erotic wise.”
“Erotic? Like...when I’m in heat?”
“Yes. What’s a bitch in heat like?”
“Uh. I like fetch. Tummy rubs, chewing on bones.”
“Mkay, what about sex wise?”
“Well. My mating rituals are just a little different than yours, pony.”
“They are?”
“Actually...” she started, snickering. “No, they’re not. What you really need is a guy with a nice knot.”
“Knot?”
“Yeah.”
“I...ok.”
“Trust me. Bitches love big knots. Keeps him in place.”
“I don’t remember any of this from Ponyville sex ed...”
“Well, who are you going to believe? Country-mandated education or a bitch with tons of experience?”
“...tons?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re the only dog I’ve ever seen, Winona. Where the hell are you finding dudes?”
“It’s a secret. Now, shouldn’t you be writing?”
“This makes no sense, Winona.” started AJ. Winona snickered and walked out the door, calling for Applebloom to play catch with her. Applejack stared. She was so confused. Tummy rubs, knots, bones...what the hell was she fixing to create? With great reluctance, she took the feather in her mouth, dipped it in the well, and started writing.
Country Bumpkin kicked his hind legs into the tree behind him, with the force of a stallion, which he happened to be. Apples fell from the tree into the cleverly laid baskets below. He wiped his forehead, admiring his work. However, there was one apple, way at the top of the tree that had stayed. Bumpkin smirked, turning around and kicking the tree with the full force of his muscular stallion body again. The apple, as stubborn as a mule, if a mule was stuck in a tree, stayed stuck in the tree, stubbornly. With one last heave, he kicked one last time. The apple fell on his head, rolling away. He cringed and closed his eyes in pain, head on the ground. He heard a soft, gentle giggle. He peeked an eye open, seeing a beautifully stunning Orange Mare. She was as tall as 4’6 pony.
“That’s not how you buck, Man.” she said, giving him a seemingly mischievous smile. Her coat glistened in setting sun, seemingly moist from a hard day’s work, much like that of a wet, moist, succulent apple.
“I’ve been bucking for my entire life. I know how to buck.”
“I’ve been bucking those sturdy, hard wood pieces for a long time, too, Stranger.” she said, casually trotting over to the very same tree, kicking it with one leg. More than 100 apples fell from the tree into their corresponding baskets. Bumpkin stared at her with his mouth agape. “See? Easy.”
“I...” he started. He grabbed an apple from the ground and tossed it up and down in his hoof. “HERE GIRL! GO GET IT!” he started. The orange mare jumped around, tongue out, excited. He released the apple and she galloped away, clutching it in her mouth, running back to him excitedly. He smiled, taking the apple from her. “What’s your name?” he asked.
“Farmer’s Daughter.”
“Hm. You’re kind of cute.”
“Rub my belly.” she said, immediately rolling on her back. Bumpkin smiled, giving her a bone, rubbing her belly. She happily gnawed away as he rubbed in concentric circles, occasionally patting and whispering “Good girl!” Farmer’s Daughter spread her legs wider than they were before, revealing a moist cellar door. Farmer’s Daughter gave him a mischievous nod and he moved his face towards it, the faint smell of Pink Lady apples wafting about. He smiled and prodded it with his nose as she wriggled in the sudden ecstasy of his nose. Noses were sexy to her. She didn’t know why. She had little time to reflect on that as her second favorite fetish, tongues, soon forced its way inside her. She squirmed against the tree behind her as Bumpkin gently lapped at her cellar door, an astounding taste of apple cider squirting from her juice container.
“Omnomnonasd!” she said, before spitting out her bone. “Bumpkin...you’re going to make me get rid of my entire stock of cider!” she panted, her legs convulsing.
“Shh...” he said, gently trailing kisses up her belly, gently licking the tip of her cherry sized teats on the way. He shoved his tongue down her throat as he prepared his meat cucumber for cellar storage.
“Do it.” she taunted. He thrust his cucumber inside her cider cellar. It was a confused cucumber, clearly, because he kept stepping in and out out the cellar, unsure of what exactly he wanted to do, until he made himself sick.
“Hold on!” he said, suddenly getting up, galloping away. He came back with a rope, staring her dead in the eyes. He shoved the rope in her cellar, working both of his hooves inside there, shortly before tying a knot.
“Oh, Bumpkin!” she said, panting. Cider had begun to squirt from her cellar as she quivered, on the verge of pure cider ecstasy. He cinched the rope shut, creating a large, tight knot that would stay inside her forever, keeping her in place.
“Stay there.” he said, panting. Suddenly, his Cucumber burst with juice, as it was supposed to, combining with her cider flood, creating a nice, foaming, frothy mixture of sexual deliciousness drenching the both of them. Bumpkin rolled over on the ground, panting, looking over at Farmer’s Daughter.
“Told you I knew how to buck.”
“I might need a second opinion.” she said, winking.
“Well, I’ll be back after I finish the orchard.” he said, getting up. With a knot like his inside her, she wasn’t going anywhere. He would be back for more and more.
***
Applejack awoke on her desk. She lifted her head up, finding that one page had stuck to the side of her face. She yawned heavily, blowing out the already dead candle, and tiredly trotted her way to her bed, gently slipping under the covers, ready for a nap in a far more comfortable spot than what she had just woken up in.
“Applejack, Granny wants to-” started Applebloom, opening the door. Applejack was already sound asleep. “Humph. Figures.” she said, beginning to close the door shortly before noticing the stack of papers on the desk. She looked over at applejack, before quietly tip-hoofing her way over to the papers, taking a read for herself.
“What in the Hay am I reading?” she asked herself. “Maybe Granny can make sense of this.”
***
Applejack snapped awake, taking a deep inhale. She yawned heavily, groggily trodding her way out of bed. She exited her room, heading down the stairs, suddenly hearing the rest of her family talking.
“I’m still tryin’ to figure out what the rope was for.” said Applebloom. “What’s the knot doing anywhere?” she added, as Winona laughed in the background.
“Well, Dearie, I’m not exactly sure...” started Granny Smith. “I uh...all I know is that this story makes me moist.”
“GRANNY!” shouted Big McIntosh,
“Don’t act surprised. Just because the cogs are rusty doesn’t mean they don’t work.”
Applejack swallowed a knot in her throat and headed into plain view.
“What...whatcha guys reading?”
“I dunno. Applebloom just handed it to me. It appears to be some story about rope and apple cider. But Holy shit does it make me horny.”
“GRANNY!” cried Applebloom, her face nearly as red as her mane.
“GIVE ME THAT!” shouted Applejack, ripping the papers away. “THIS WAS MEANT FOR CELESTIA! IT’S A FRIENDSHIP LESSON!”
“You have some strange friends. I expected Rainbow to be the lesbian, not you.” said Big Mac.
“I’m not a lesbian!”
“Well, you’re sexting Celestia. And Twilight, apparently.”
“It’s complicated!” she said, galloping off to her room, tears in her eyes.
“Oh, she’ll get over it.” said Granny. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, Granny has to go make some cider for the first time in 30 years.”
