No one parties like GASTON!

by Hivemind

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Pinkie Pie, Random, Human
Length: 3886

No one parties like GASTON!

Pinkie Pie is throwing a party to celebrate Ponyville's 100th birthday, and everypony will be there to celebrate the momentous occasion!

But as news of the party spreads, Gaston sees the party as an insult to his glorious chest hair and throbbing muscles and decides to throw his own party in an attempt to outshine the strange pony folk and prove his manliness to the entire world.

Published 2012-04-16 03:44:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-16 03:44:00 UTC

Party Hard!

“What?! This is preposterous!”

Gaston crumpled the colorful sheet of parchment in his strong, muscled fist and tossed it into the fire like so many mugs of beer. After falling back into his massive leather chair, he grasped the chair from underneath, lifted it up, and angrily turned it towards his trophy, grumpy.

Near the bar stands, the tavern goers were gathered around a table with a very large event poster spread out on top of it.

“-ome to the...Ponyville town square on April twenty-fourth in the afternoon hours...”

“Free cupcakes for all?”

“What in the blazes is that supposed to mean?” demanded an old and husky woodsman.

“It’s a festival ya’ twit!” shouted a grey-haired housewife in a tattered dress in reply.

“Sounds more like a party to me.” said a short, porkish man with a mug of beer in his grip.

“No one parties like Gaston...” Gaston grunted under his breath. The tavern goers must not have heard him for they continued to gawk at the poster’s colorful printings.

“Food, drinks, and plenty of fun to be had.” the housewife continued reading where the drinkers left off.

“No one eats, drinks, or has fun like Gaston...” Gaston grunted under this voice again, but a little louder this time.

“Be sure ta’ bring ya’ friends, as this party will be the biggest party ever.”

Each word struck Gaston like a sharp arrow, insulting his glorious and well-renowned name. He growled like a bear as his anger and frustration built up deep in his manly soul.

“Well, doesn’t that sound like fun?” exclaimed a red-bearded blacksmith.

“Yeah...yeah it does! I know what I’m doing on that tuesday morn’. It’s off-season right? I say that we have some fun!” the woodsman proclaimed. He was met with shouts of approval and raps of cheering voices that resounded around the thick wooden walls of the tavern.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Gaston shouted at the top of his manly lungs when he bolted up from his armchair bearing an angry scowl. The entire tavern went quiet. No sound could be heard except for the crackling of the fireplace flames.

“Friends...” Gaston started in a much more calming voice, “have you forgotten who I am so soon?” Gaston’s words were met with stammered words of acknowledgment from his admirers.

“O-of course! Y-you are Gaston!” stammered a tall mustached man.

“Right!” Gaston shouted. Everyone stepped back and cowered in fear. Gaston raised a clenched fist and beat his muscular chest once, holding his head up high. “I am Gaston! The doer of all things better! No one does anything better than, Gaston!” Gaston pushed through the crowd of cowering drinkers and slammed his fist on top of the poster. “Who do these...ponies think they are? They are not warriors! They are not kings, or knights, or even courageous nobles! They just stay tight and comfy in their plush land of sunshine and rainbows. They’re about as brave as a startled cat!” The drinkers nodded their heads to each other in approval and whispered their opinions.

Gaston opened his hand and swiped the poster from the table, clenching it in his fist. He rose his fist straight up into the air. “This...Pinkie Pie thinks that she is so great. That she is better than the rest of us! Well my friends, I say no!” The crowd shouted and beat their chests with pride. Gaston brought his fist down and crumbled the poster in his hands. When the parchment was nothing more than a ball of colorful paper, he cast it to the ground and spat on it. The crowd shouted out words of encouragement and joined in Gaston’s actions by spitting on the poster and stamping on it until it was nothing but a dirty, smelly piece of waste.

Gaston jumped onto the table and raised both of his arms up high, tossing them about with every righteous word he said. “These ponies do not wish to invite us to some cordial festival! Oh no...they put up these posters to slander us, tarnish our name, challenge us, and detest me and my glorious throbbing muscles of pride!”

“What should we do Gaston?” asked the woodsman. Gaston jumped down from the table and put an arm around the woodsman’s neck.

“Oh, that is simple my friends! We shall meet their challenge, and we shall show these ponies that no one ever bests, Gaston!”

The entire room burst into rowdy cheers and thunderous shouts. Strong men beat their chests with their fists. The few women in the bar clanked their beer mugs together several times over, small bits of tart smelling froth falling to the floor each time.

Gaston turned and pointed a large, muscled finger at a porkish man wearing a grease stained grey apron. “You there, blacksmith!” The blacksmith turned left and right until his crusty old eyes locked with Gaston’s.

“Aye’ sir!” shouted the blacksmith as he foolishly stood to attention and brought his arm up to his forehead in a salute, nearly keeling over in the process.

“What’s your take on the term, ‘larger than life’?”

~~~~~

“Gosh Pinkie, look at this place!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she swept a front leg over the crowded town square. Colorful party tents lined the streets and everything from food stands to game kiosks stood out from them all. Worker ponies were busy setting up the last of the event tents, including a concert stage, where live music will be played and ponies everywhere can witness the midnight fireworks show.

“Gosh Pinkie Pie, look at all of em’. They’re arrivin’ by the wagon full.” said Applejack as a long line of both covered and uncovered wagons came rolling over the furthest hill, filled to the brim with earth ponies and unicorns. Pegasus ponies came from up high. Some flew down from Cloudsdale while others came from the mountains, hills, towns and cities far off.

“This is a truly massive event Pinkie dear, what with this many ponies arriving and all.” Rarity pointed out, “Are you sure that you can handle this all by yourself?”

Pinkie blew a small raspberry and waved Rarity off. “Are you kidding? Of course I can handle it! I mean c’mon! This is Ponyville’s one-hundredth birthday and Celestia herself asked me to host it, and I will not disappoint the princess!”

“Uhh...Pinkie...hooow many ponies did you invite anyway?” asked Twilight with a worried look in her eyes.

“I invited everypony, duh! This is Ponyville’s one-hundredth birthday we’re talking about here! What kind of pony would want to miss this?”

“This isn’t going to end well...” Twilight sighed.

~~~~~

“Le Fou, my coat.” Gaston commanded.

“Oh yes, of course Gaston!” Le Fou reached into a leather bag on his back and pulled out an elegant red coat with golden trim, of which he then draped over Gaston’s extended shoulders. Gaston slipped his arms through the coat sleeves and buttoned it up. He brushed off any specks of dirt and straightened the collar. Once he looked presentable, he resumed his hero’s pose on the shoulder of the marvel of the blacksmith’s toils that was leading the caravan to its destination.

“Thank you Le Fou. Now hurry along. My glorious presence must not be blocked by my followers, for today, I will show these ponies that man is not to be challenged!”

Le Fou stammered in his grunts as he slowly and carefully stepped away. Gaston lowered himself onto one knee and rested his chin on his knuckles, eyes halfway closed as he stared off into the distance at the small town ahead. Quickly, he rose to his feet and swept an arm off to his right.

“Woodsman! This spot will do.” said Gaston.

The caravan came to an immediate halt at his words. Gaston flicked his hair off to the side for effect and slid down the arm of the glorious symbol in his name. He turned and walked away for a few feet before stopping and turning back around.

Gaston looked on with pride at the shining iron statue crafted in his image that was pulled by a large team of oxen lead by the woodsman who was riding on a white horse. Standing thirty feet tall high on a wooden dolly base, the statue held a glorious pose that Gaston had mimicked for effect just moments before. With head held up high, both muscle bound and carefully crafted arms flexing, and a smile that could practically cure a blind man’s eyesight, this shining symbol of Gaston’s heroic status could easily outshine the pony’s celebration.

‘Fine work blacksmith! Well done!” Gaston shouted. He turned on a dime and stamped his foot once his gaze was facing towards the not-to-distant town of colorful creatures.

“Oh ho ho! Let’s see what those ponies think of us nowwhen we show them that Gaston can party better than they ever could!” Gaston proclaimed with a hint of early triumph in his voice.

“Alright everybody! Let’s get it all set up, nice and pretty-like!” said Le Fou as he directed the dozens of covered wagons filled with food and tents all over the field. Gaston smiled at the early progress. Off in the distance, he could hear joyful cheering and shouts of glee as the pony’s celebration started to kick off.

Gaston took another look at his statue and smiled before turning towards his festival, which was already starting to take shape.

“This is going to be easier than I thought...” Gaston snickered.

~~~~~

Ponies from all over Equestria poured into the streets from all directions. Their numbers seemed to stretch out to infinity and beyond as a seemingly endless tidal wave of coat colors came in by wagon, by train, and by air. Everypony was enjoying themselves at the tents and kiosks, either buying exotic foods or sampling several varieties of clothes and perfumes. Royal guards and peacekeeping ponies scanned from the skies above to maintain order and manage the town’s population capacity. The princesses were not due to arrive until a half-hour before midnight, mostly due to security reasons.

“Well Pinkie, looks like you did it after all! Just look at everypony!” Twilight exclaimed as she sat and stared from the hilltop hostess tent down at the bustling nest of colors.

“Tooold you that I could handle it!” said Pinkie while she rolled her eyes. “I got it all under control from here on ou-”

Pinkie’s words were interrupted as the sound of beating drums resounded out from the distance. Pinkie and Twilight, along with everypony in Ponyville stopped what they were doing and turned to listen to the rhythmic sounds

“Wait, huh?” Pinkie started, “What’s that noise? It’s ruining the party!”

“Uhh Pinkie, you may want to look over there.” said Twilight as she pointed in a certain direction. Pinkie huffed and turned to where Twilight was pointing. Her jaw instantly dropped in awe.

Rising up from behind the nearby hill was a fanfare of marching creatures known all too well to ponykind. At the front of the pack was a man dressed in an elegant suit of red and gold. His hair was combed back and both of his strangely muscular arms were poised at his hips.

“What the-? What are they doing here?!” Pinkie angrily asked.

“Wait a minute...” Twilight rubbed her chin in deep thought.

“Who in the hay invited them?!” said the angry party hostess.

“Well, you said that you invited everypony right?” said Twilight.

“Ya but...I just didn’t-...oooh!” Pinkie fumed with frustration at her ironic folly.

“So...who are they anyway?” Twilight curiously asked.

“You don’t wanna know.” Pinkie replied while she shook her head in disapproval.

“Citizens of Ponyville!” shouted the well dressed figure, his voice echoing off into the distance for miles.

“Ugh, here we go...” Pinkie closed her eyes and covered her ears with her hooves.

“I know that you may be enjoying yourselves right now, and I know that your...hostess may throw a good party, but let me ask you this. How do you know that her parties are any good, eh’?”

This question caused everypony to murmur and whisper to each other with their opinions. Some raised skepticism about Pinkie Pie and her partying ways.

“Riiight.” the man continued, “How do you know that she is aiming to please her guests? Does she really wish to see you smile? Or is she just wanting to gain your attention to sate her sugar-infused lust for praise?” This caused more scepticism to be raised amongst the sea of ponies.

“He does this everytime!” Pinkie growled.

“Well my new pony friends. I have decided to go above and beyond to make sure that you truly enjoy yourselves for once. At my own expense, I have created a party of epic proportions! The party to end all parties!”

“Wait, what?!” Pinkie’s eyes shot open at such a ridiculous remark. Her anger boiled up to the point where her teeth started to grind together.

“Whatever this Pinkie Pie doesn’t have, I have ten times over! No one parties like Gaston!” Some ponies started to smile and nod their approvals of such a delightfully sounding festival to their friends.

“Don’t you dare...” Pinkie Pie growled.

“So, if you really want have fun and savor a night to remember, then let my glorious statue guide you to the party to end all parties!”

The entire town rang out with cheers and hoof stamps. Pinkie was appalled.

“What? No! Don’t listen to him! He’s just trying to-wait, what are you doing?!”

Ponies everywhere charged up the hill and stampeded past Pinkie Pie’s management tent in droves. Her chances at warning them were drowned out by the loud noises of dozens of excited ponies.

“Wait, this is-No, stop! Please!” Pinkie desperately shouted. Nopony paid her any mind as they continued to pass her by, vacating the town and kicking up a large cloud of dust.

When the dust settled, Pinkie Pie looked on with both shock and awe at the sight of an empty Ponyville. The once crowded streets were empty, the kiosks were unoccupied, and several dozen hoofprints covered every square inch of dirt on the ground.

Pinkie’s eyes started to twitch rapidly and her mouth hung wide open in disbelief.

“B-but...I just...I worked so hard...” Pinkie’s eyes started to quiver and her smile was long gone, replaced by a grim frown. Mr. and Mrs. Cake, who were the only ponies who did not go with the others, came up the hill to comfort the saddened party pony.

“Oooh, come now Pinkie Pie. What do they know about parties?” said Mr. Cake as he patted Pinkie on the back.

“A bunch of flashy clothes and bold speeches isn’t going to convince us to go to turn our faith over to some overconfident , self-righteous speaker.” said Mrs. Cake.

“Listen to us Pinkie.” Twilight started, “Deep down in our hearts, you are still the greatest party pony around.” Twilight reached over and gave Pinkie a friendly hug, which seemed to lighten up Pinkie’s somber mood.

“Y-you really think so?” Pinkie sobbed.

“Of course we do!” said Mrs. Cake.

“A world without you would be like a world without parties all together!” exclaimed Mr. Cake.

Somewhere, deep in Pinkie Pie’s cotton candy filled heart, a thread containing a certain controlled emotion, a thread that was woven long ago, snapped.

“No!” Pinkie screamed out.

Pinkie’s eyes shot wide open and she shoved Twilight away from her. Shocked at the sudden twist of behavior, Twilight and the Cakes slowly stepped away.

“I will not let this guy beat me. No way! I’m tired of hearing his boasts, and I’m sick of having to look at his fat and ugly face! He’s taken things too far!”

Pinkie turned and zipped in front of the cowering Cakes. She wore a devious smile and her hooves rubbed together seductively.

“Mrs. Cake. How much baking supplies do we have down at Sugar Cube Corner?” Pinkie asked.

“I-I bought enough supplies just in case we had to make more f-food for the celebration.” Mrs. Cake stammered.

“And Mr. Cake, is the ceremonial cake ready?” Pinkie asked.

“Y-yes Pinkie. b-but it’s back at Sugar Cube Corner. Why?” Mr. Cake asked.

“What are you planning Pinkie?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.

Pinkie turned away from the Cakes and looked off into the distance at the mass of ponies who were still migrating towards the other festival.

“We’re gonna need flour...”

“F-flour?” said Mrs. Cake.

“Yeah...flour. Lots and lots of flour...”

~~~~~

“W-wow Gaston! You’ve really outdone yourself!” said Le Fou as he watched in awe as several hundred ponies of all shapes, sizes, and colors came pouring in from all around, some stopping to admire the towering statue of heroic iron. Ponies everywhere were singing, dancing, and eating to their heart’s content.

“As I always say Le Fou...” Gaston rose from his armchair and stood triumphant in his place, “No one parties, like-”

“Gaston!”

Gaston, Le Fou, and everypony else stopped enjoying themselves and turned towards the source of the voice that sounded out like a clap of thunder. Everypony looked on with awe as a towering cake of colossal size slowly passed through the festival grounds. The cake’s image was stunning.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Gaston shouted.

“Take a guess, Gaston!” shouted a certain pink pony from the top of the cake.

The cake’s image was that of Pinkie Pie herself. The entire cake was covered from head to toe in pink and blue frosting. Everypony’s mouth watered at the delicious sight. Two ponies, along with one unicorn were using their combined strength to push the massive dolly on which the pastry was mounted on across the grass. The cake stopped moving when it was only a few meters away from Gaston’s iron statue. Pinkie jumped down from the head of the cake, somehow landing on all four hooves.

“I...I think that’s...enough, Pinkie...” Mr. Cake stammered out as he panted with exhaustion.

“This spot is just fine!” Pinkie spoke like a stubborn mule.

“Citizens of Ponyville and mankind alike! Gaston is a big, fat, liar!” she shouted.

“What?!” Gaston shouted back. “No one insults another like Gaston!”

“Quiet! Everypony, Gaston is a huge liar! He’s been lying to all of you!”

Just like before, everypony started to whisper sceptical thoughts about Gaston to their friends nearby. Gaston was starting to look worried.

“He’s not doing this for you! He’s doing this for himself!”

“Do not listen to this liar everybody! She is just trying to regain your trust by persuading you with this mound of cheap ingredients and muddy frosting that she calls a cake!” Gaston proclaimed.

“Am not!” Pinkie retaliated.

“Are too!”

“Am not!” Pinkie furiously stamped her hoof once, causing the wooden dolly on which the cake was standing on to shake.

“Uhh, Pinkie?” Twilight started.

“Are too!” This time, Gaston stamped his muscular foot, the rebounding vibrations of his thunderous toes bouncing back into the wooden dolly of his statue.

“Am not!” Pinkie’s second stomp rattled the cake dolly even more, somehow causing the cake to bounce upward once.

“Pinkie?” Twilight asked again.

“Am too!” Gaston’s second stamp had the same effect, causing his statue to bounce up once before landing hard on the dolly. Everypony else who prefered not to get involved in the argument started to slowly back away.

“Am not!” Pinkie’s third stomp made the cake bounce up even higher than before, only this time, the cake did not go back down as it leaned over the edge.

“Am too!” Gaston’s final stomp was like the spark on the powder keg as his statue bounced up high into the air, nearly leaving the launchpad of the dolly. With so much force already applied, the statue began to tip over, shadowing Gaston’s figure.

One of the retreating ponies let out a loud gasp as the two towering symbols of self-pride keeled over their respective dollys and started to fall.

“Run for your lives!” the pony screamed out. Immediately, man and pony alike were running amok, looking for an exit.

Pinkie and Gaston both heard the cries of terror and looked up with horror at the sight of the falling twin towers. A split second before impact, Gaston and Pinkie jumped out of the way before they could be crushed.

Everypony stopped dead in their tracks when they felt the tremors. Gaston’s iron statue lay bent and flat on the ground beyond repair, coated in cake batter and frosting.

“Pinkie? Pinkie Pie, where are-” Twilight gasped when she looked up at the sky and noted how late it was. “Ohmigosh, it’s already a half-hour to midnight. That means-”

“Don’t worry Twilight.” spoke a familiar equine voice. Twilight turned and looked up at the disappointed yet sceptical face of her mentor.

“We both saw everything.” spoke the voice of Princess Luna who was standing beside her sister who was wearing the same sceptical frown.

The thick layers of icing near the fallen statue quivered, and both Gaston and Pinkie Pie rose up from the sweet thicket. Pinkie licked her entire face clean in a single revolution of her tongue, while Gaston just wiped the frosting away with his hands.

Nopony had seen the two princesses show up for the festival. Soon everypony was down on their knees, front legs splayed out.

“Pinkie Pie. Gaston.” Princess Celestia started. Pinkie looked at Celestia while embarrassingly rubbing the back of her head while chuckling. Gaston just felt annoyed knowing that not only his statue was ruined, but also how he was covered from head to toe in frosting.

“Oh joy, another pony to be annoyed by.” said Gaston. Celestia continued to stare at him. “What are you gonna do? Kill me? Torture me?” Gaston continued to mock the white equine.

“No...” Celestia spoke while her face contorted into a devious smile. Pinkie started to look worried.

“No? That’s all you can say? No?” Gaston burst into a fit of hearty laughter while Pinkie continued to retreat further into the cover of the pink frosting.

“I have something...different in mind.” Celestia said slyly.

“Well then, bring it on! I can take whatever you-”

Suddenly, Gaston was hit square in the jaw by a metal clad hoof. His smarmy words faded out as his vision faded into nothingness.

~~~~~

Gaston drove the smelly, sewage covered shovel into the soft, muddy ground and heaved upwards, throwing a large pile of raw sewage over his head which impacted the equally filthy wall behind him.

“So, get this. Celestia orders one of her guards to knock him out, tries him in court herself, and sentences him to a full five months of cleaning out sewage septic tanks!” spoke the voice of a nearby worker pony wearing a yellow hard hat.

“No way! Really?” replied the voice of another worker nearby.

“No one does anything better than Gas-doh’!” Gaston’s face was suddenly impacted by the smushed remnants of a slice of cake that one of the workers threw at him.

“Hey Gaston! You missed a spot! I think it's right over...everywhere!” The two worker ponies burst out laughing as Gaston angrily wiped away the cake and tossed it down at his feet.

“Only four months, twenty-eight days and eleven hours left to go...”