My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

In the past.

A young Rainbow Dash, in full possession of her Cutie Mark, soars carefree through the sky. Another long afternoon of flight training has come to an end, and the filly is on her way home, eager to enjoy a brief respite before her evening workout. Arriving home in Cloudsdale, she opens her front door and walks inside.

Rainbow: Dad?

There is no response.

Rainbow (in a slightly different tone): Dad?

As her calls are met only with continued silence, Rainbow Dash shrugs; she clearly has the house to herself. She walks upstairs to her bedroom, where, upon opening the door, she discovers her father, Victory Dash, sitting solemnly upon the bed.

Rainbow (surprised): Dad! You’re home!

Victory: Sit down, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow nervously sits in a nearby chair.

Victory: Is there anything you’d like to tell me?

Rainbow: Well… I… came up with a new trick today. It’s called the Buccaneer Blaze…

Victory: It’s not about flying.

Rainbow: Not like I do much else…

Victory: You read.

Rainbow: Just magazines! Books are for eggheads!

Victory (sighing): Some day you’ll grow out of that childish phrase. In the meantime, your specific TASTE in magazines is what concerns me.

Victory reaches behind himself and picks up a pile of Maxim magazines, previously obscured by the stallion’s body. Rainbow Dash is mortified.

Rainbow: Where did you-

Victory: It’s Monday; I came in to vacuum your room. A corner of the magazine was jutting out from under the bed.

Rainbow: I can explain!

Victory: And when your father gets home, you’ll explain to us both.

Rainbow Dream (from the doorway): Explain what?

Rainbow Dash’s other father, Rainbow Dream, stands in the doorway. If possible, Rainbow Dash’s face falls even further. Victory Dash holds up a magazine.

Victory: Our daughter has been hoarding Maxims under our noses.

Dream (stifling laughter): Maxim? They still make that?

Victory: Evidently.

Dream (still laughing): I mean, hasn’t the internet pretty much-

Victory: Dream!

Coughing, Rainbow Dream regains his composure.

Dream: Right. Now, Rainbow Dash sweetie, why do you have these magazines?

Rainbow: I just- I just like the articles.

Rainbow Dream falls to the ground laughing.

Dream (fighting for air): The… articles!

Victory: I’m glad you find this so amusing.

Dream: It’s not… even… a real porno!

Victory: Which is hardly the issue.

Dream: It’s a rag!

Victory: With smutty pictures. Of mares!

Victory opens the magazine to a random page which, unsurprisingly, features a mare lying seductively in bed, making a sultry gaze toward the reader. Rainbow Dream gags.

Dream: Ugh, the framing is so amateur! The composition’s no better than a Polaroid!

Victory sighs exasperatedly.

Victory: Rainbow Dash, you know what we’ve told you about material like this.

Rainbow (staring at the floor): It’s only acceptable if it depicts stallions.

Victory: Which this clearly does not. You’re grounded, and we’re taking the magazines.

Dream: Lighten up, Vic. It’s just Maxim. I smuggled it when I was a colt.

Victory: You were confused!

Dream: So is she. And you’d think if ANY parents could empathize-

Victory: She’s attracted to stallions! Muscular, virile stallions bursting with unfettered reproductive potential.

Rainbow: Ew…

Dream: How are we any better than our own parents if we force our viewpoints onto our daughter?! We should focus on helping her instead of making a difficult transition worse!

Rainbow flies into the air.

Rainbow (struggling to maintain composure): ENOUGH! I’m not attracted to anybody! I just care about flying! And joining the Wonder Bolts! Keep the stupid magazines; I already read ‘em anyway!

Rainbow Dash flies out of the room, down the stairs, and out the front door.

Victory: …did she say “anybody?”

Dream: Don’t talk to me right now.

Rainbow Dream flies to the front door, but briefly turns around to face his husband.

Dream: Vic, whatever issues you have, you need to work them out. Because you keep this crap up, you’ll push her straight into the arms of the wrong someone- male or female!

In the present.

Gilda the griffon flies through the air toward Ponyville, still quite a ways away but getting closer every second.

In Ponyville.

Twilight lies peacefully on a bench reading while Pinkie Pie runs all around her and yells excitedly.

Pinkie: Hoof biting action overload! She was like a stunt superstar, flying higher, and higher…

Twilight: Uh huh.

Pinkie: …and then Rainbow Dash swooped down. Swoosh! And then right before she hit the ground, she pulled out. Fwoom!

Twilight: Uh huh.

Twilight’s Mind: Error! Noise levels too high for efficient literary absorption. Adjusting audio receptors to compensate.

Pinkie: And then she looped around and around like whoo whoo whoo whoo…

Pinkie’s voice trails off as, from Twilight’s perspective, she gets quieter and quieter.

Twilight’s Mind: Muted.

Pinkie’s lips continue to flap as Twilight hears nothing. The studious pony offers sporadic interjections to project the appearance of rapt attention.

Twilight: I see.

Pinkie continues speaking.

Twilight: How fascinating.

Pinkie continues speaking.

Twilight: THAT was an unforeseen turn of events!

Pinkie continues speaking.

Twilight: The stakes have never been higher!

Pinkie (inaudible to Twilight): Stakes?

Pinkie thinks for a moment.

Pinkie: So then I said “Celestia is a poor mare’s Luna. Always has been. Nightmare Moon? Now THERE’S a monarch!”

Pinkie awaits a response from Twilight, but receives none.

Pinkie: Twilight!

Twilight’s Mind: Verbal deluge has softened. Unmuted.

Pinkie: You’re just commenting on the book you’re reading, aren’t you?!

Twilight: Ooh, this page feels particularly sensuous- wait, what? Of course not!

Pinkie: Then what was I talking about?

Twilight: You want a review?

Pinkie: Mm… more like a recap.

Twilight: Well… your story was good, but it lacked that certain “oomph” to put it ahead of the pack. If I ran a website that published stories, and yours was submitted, I would send a gracious email but politely reject it. Probably due to formatting.

Pinkie: That’s still a review!

Twilight: Is it?

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash soars by overhead. Pinkie Pie runs off to follow her.

Twilight: Whew. Finally, it’s just you and me, Atticus. You can put me on trial any day of the week.

Twilight pauses.

Twilight (cracking up): Except Sunday, of course. What with the courts being closed. Jury humor!

It is the middle of the day. Crickets are still audible in the silence following Twilight’s joke.

Twilight: My audience was a book, crickets! I wasn’t even expecting laughter!!!

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who happen to be walking nearby, burst out laughing.

Silver Spoon (still laughing): Look at that crazy pony, yelling at the crickets!

Diamond Tiara: That is literally the funniest thing I’ve seen since Apple Bloom’s bow caught on fire.

The two divas continue laughing as they walk away.

Diamond Tiara (barely audible in the distance): Other ponies’ misery amuses me.

Twilight (yelling): That wasn’t even part of my routine!

Back with Rainbow Dash, who is casually strolling through the air.

Pinkie (shouting upward): Ooh, Rainbow Dash. Quit strolling! Wait, can you stroll through the air? Does that sound awkward to you?

Rainbow (under her breath): Ughh, Pinkie Pie? Not again…

Rainbow Dash accelerates away from Pinkie.

Pinkie (accelerating as well): Rainbow Dash!

Rainbow: Not now, Pinkie Pie!

Rainbow speeds up again.

Pinkie: But- but Rainbow Dash-

Rainbow: I’m in the middle of something.

Pinkie: The air?

Rainbow: Not literally!

Pinkie: But-

Rainbow: I said not now!

Rainbow Dash flies head first into a mountain. She slowly slides down.

Pinkie: I was gonna tell you to look out for that mountain.

Rainbow: Ugghhh…

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 5: Griffon the Brush-Off

In the past.

Rainbow Dash and her parents are standing outside the Junior Speedster Flight Camp barracks.

Dream: Have fun Rainbow Dash!

Victory: We’ll send lots of letters!

Dream: And care packages!

Victory: You’ll be the best flyer this camp’s ever seen. This is where it starts, Rainbow Dash… the Wonder Bolts won’t be far behind!

Victory Dash and Rainbow Dream hug their daughter tightly.

Rainbow: Thanks, guys.

Rainbow (to Victory): And I’ll keep in mind what you said about the other campers!

Victory chuckles nervously.

Dream: What did he say?

Rainbow: “Good with his wings, in the sack he’ll make you sing.”

Dream: Unbelievable.

Victory (still chuckling): It’s true…

Dream: Rainbow Dash, sweetie, please just enjoy flight camp. Just forget all about that filthy limerick.

Rainbow (confused): What about the other limerick?

Victory raises his hoof to his forehead.

Dream: The other one?

Rainbow: “If the thought of his touch brings your heart to a stop, feel free to lock the door and-”

Dream (interrupting): -Forget that one too!

Rainbow: Ok…

Dream: Here’s the only limerick you need to know: “Love is always a beautiful thing, male or female, whenever it takes wing.”

Rainbow: Come on dad, that one’s just corny. I’m not an egghead you know!

Dream (with a soft smile): Of course not.

A bell sounds in the distance.

Dream: I guess that means it’s time for you to go.

Rainbow: I have to meet with my counselor. She has my schedule…

Dream: Make us proud, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash flies away. Once she’s gone, Dream turns angrily toward Victory.

Dream: You.

Victory: In my defense, you have to admit… they were really clever rhymes.

Dream: Hardly! Every single pronoun could be replaced with “she” or “her” to subvert your entire meaning! But I truly cannot BELIEVE that you would turn our daughter’s flight camp into yet another heterosexual brainwashing tactic!

Victory: Bet you never thought you’d say those words in that order.

Dream: Not since I stopped attending chapel. But STOP making light of this! Every day you confuse that poor girl more and more, every day I ask you to change; to support our daughter, and you never do! Why?! What makes it so hard?! Do you hate your sexuality that much?!

After a pause.

Victory: I-

Dream: Don’t answer that.

Rainbow Dream flies into the air.

Dream: Whatever you have to say, I don’t have it in me to listen right now. I’m going home, Vic. Just stay… somewhere else. Rent a motel room or something. Because whenever you do come home, we’re gonna have a long talk… and I really don’t know if we’ll ever have any more afterwards.

Rainbow Dream flies away, leaving Victory Dash standing alone outside the barracks.

In the present.

Pinkie Pie hums happily to herself as she trots through Ponyville. Rainbow Dash dozes peacefully on a nearby cloud, irately using the cloud to form makeshift ear plugs as she awakens to the humming. Pinkie stops at a nearby produce stand.

Pinkie: Hi, I’m looking for Rainbow Dash. Have you seen her?

Frantic, Rainbow Dash burrows her head into the cloud in a bizarre attempt to hide herself.

Pinkie: Hi there! Have you seen Rainbow Dash? …Okay, thanks anyway!

Pinkie runs up to Twilight, who is passing through.

Pinkie: Twilight! Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere?

Twilight: Isn’t she right up there?

Twilight points upward to Rainbow Dash, whose head is fully protruding from the bottom of the cloud.

Pinkie: Rainbow Dash! You’re… a cloud’s hernia?

Glancing around quickly, Rainbow Dash bolts away.

Pinkie (hopping after her): But it passed you like a kidney stone!

Rainbow Dash flies all the way to Sweet Apple Acres, where she hides behind a barn.

Rainbow (breathing heavily): Whew, that was close!

Rainbow Dash turns around to find Pinkie Pie right behind her.

Pinkie: Hi! I won that game of chase!

Rainbow: AHHH!

Rainbow Dash flies away in the opposite direction.

Pinkie (once again hopping after her): Great idea! Best two out of three!

Rainbow Dash flies back to Ponyville and hides among the branches of Twilight’s library. She stops to catch her breath, only to have Pinkie burst out from underneath her.

Pinkie: It’s a good thing I can’t feel all these splinters in my legs!

Rainbow: AHH!

Rainbow Dash bolts away.

Pinkie (hopping after her, perpetually smiling): It’s gonna be a nightmare to get ‘em out, though! Tweezers are NOT ergonomically designed.

After Pinkie Pie has hopped a sufficient distance away, Rainbow Dash descends from a cloud she was hiding on top of, landing at a nearby lake.

Rainbow: She is defying ALL laws of Rainbow Physics…

Equipped with full scuba gear, Pinkie ascends from the surface of the lake.

Pinkie: I need a favor, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash jumps into the air.

Rainbow: AHH- oh, forget it.

Rainbow Dash falls to the ground.

Pinkie: First of all, you’ve got it all wrong, silly! I’m defying Quantum Rainbow Physics! I create the spectrum by observing it. Second, I totally promise the favor will be totally fun!

Rainbow: Does it involve napping?

Pinkie (giggling): That’s not a favor!

Rainbow: Not to you…

Pinkie: Pleeeaseee???

Rainbow (sighing): Oookay…

In Ponyville.

Rainbow Dash is holding onto a cloud, which Pinkie Pie is directing her where to place.

Pinkie: Over to the right. No, no, a little to the left- wait! Back to the right.

Rainbow: My right or yours?

Pinkie: Both.

Exasperated, Rainbow Dash moves the cloud to the right.

Pinkie: Now a little leftish while staying rightly.

Utterly disregarding half of what Pinkie says, Rainbow pushes the cloud to the left.

Pinkie: STOP!

Pinkie inspects the current location of the cloud.

Pinkie: Maybe a few inches to the south. Now a couple centimeters to the up! Okay… one more smidgemeter to the…

Rainbow: PINKIE PIE! At the very least, will you pick either customary or metric and stick with it?!

Pinkie: How about imperial?

Rainbow glares at Pinkie.

Pinkie: I mean… perfect! Now wait for my signal.

Pinkie walks to the window of a nearby building and peers inside. Spike is humming to himself as he gathers up scrolls in his arms. As he exits the building, Pinkie gives Rainbow Dash the signal and the pegasus pony kicks the cloud as hard as she can, unleashing a lightning strike. Startled, Spike jumps into the air and drops all his scrolls. Pinkie leans forward absorbed in anticipation. After a brief moment, Spike begins rapidly hiccupping.

Pinkie (cracking up): Oh Rainbow Dash, we startled Spike into getting the hiccups!

Rainbow (laughing) Awesome!

Spike (between hiccups): Good one Pinkie Pie! I’m always up for a good prank! And you’re wayyy better at it than Twilight!

In the past.

In the Canterlot library.

Twilight: Happy birthday Spike!

Twilight summons a present in front of Spike.

Spike: You’ll forgive me if I fail to celebrate the anniversary of the day I was hatched into indentured servitude.

Twilight: Celestia says not to use that term.

Spike: Yeah, there are a lot of terms she doesn’t like. “Thirteenth Amendment” comes to mind.

Twilight (smiling): You should still open your present.

Spike wearily opens the box Twilight gave him and pulls out two tennis balls.

Spike: So… tennis balls.

Twilight attempts to stifle her laughter, but quickly loses her composure. She falls to the ground crying.

Twilight (between tears): Get it? Two balls… but you’re neutered!

Spike: Yeah, it’s a racket.

Twilight stands up and wipes the tears from her eyes.

Spike: You just read about practical jokes, didn’t you?

Twilight: I say this every time, but Pull My Finger; Just Kidding, We Don’t Have Fingers Idiot! is my favorite book of all time!

Spike: Who would even print such a crass title?!

Twilight: Celestia said it was a gift from “Spencer’s?”

Spike: Of course. We really need to get you a book on social cues…

Twilight (giggling): Hey Spike.

Spike: Yes?

Twilight: Pull my finger.

Spike: I’m not feeding into this.

Twilight: But I don’t have fingers idiot!

Twilight falls to the ground laughing once again. Spike simply shakes his head.

Twilight: Aw, don’t be mad. I got you a real present too! Here’s a pair of socks!

In the present.

Spike (still hiccupping): When I’m clearly a warm-blooded dragon, for whom socks could serve only ONE purpose, and we’d just been over the fact that I’m neutered anyway!

Pinkie: A comedic flashback in an episode already framed by dramatic flashbacks? Risky move…

Rainbow: What?

Pinkie: Nothing.

Spike: Anyway, great prank, but I have to be on my way!

Spike leans down to pick up the first scroll, but hiccups as he does so, sending the scroll away to Canterlot.

Pinkie: Oh no, you’re not hurt, are you?

Spike: Nahh, dragons are fireproof!

In Canterlot, the scroll lands directly on Princess Celestia’s head.

In Ponyville, Spike scoops up all remaining scrolls.

Pinkie: Oh, okay, good.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie burst out laughing once again. Spike hiccups, sending all the scrolls away.

Spike: Eh, she can deal with them.

In Canterlot, all the scrolls fall on to Princess Celestia.

Celestia: If this is Spike’s idea of a practical joke I am not amused.

In Ponyville, Spike continues hiccupping, the interval between hiccups decreasing as the intensity increases.

Pinkie: Have you ever seen anything more hilarious?

Rainbow: I can think of one thing…

Rainbow kicks the cloud again, triggering more lightning.

Pinkie: AHHH!

After a moment, Pinkie Pie starts hiccupping, which amuses her to no end.

Rainbow: I didn’t take you for a prankster, Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie (between hiccups): Are you kidding? And you’ve lived here HOW long?! It’s all in good fun, and Pinkie Pie LOVES to have fun!

Rainbow: You know Pinkie Pie, you’re not as annoying as I thought!

Pinkie: I’M not as annoying as I thought either!

Rainbow: You wanna hang out?

Pinkie (still hiccupping): That’d be… I mean… When do… Where would…

Rainbow (holding out her hoof): A simple nod will do.

Pinkie nods.

Spike: Guys…

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash turn to find Spike lying on the ground.

Spike: I don’t feel so good…

Spike vomits everywhere.

Rainbow: Ew.

Pinkie: Vomiting is for AFTER fun. And tequila.

Rainbow: Did we do that?

Spike: No… this is something else… I must have been sick before…

Pinkie: Hmm. We should probably hang out after we get Spike to the library.

Rainbow: Good idea.

Later that day, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie excitedly drop two baskets full of flowers at Rarity’s doorstep, ring the doorbell, and hide in the nearby bushes.

Rainbow (giggling): Is she even home?

Pinkie (also giggling): What if she’s allergic?

After a pause.

Pinkie: THAT’D be ironic!

The front door opens. Seeing the flowers, Rarity leans down to take in their scent.

Pinkie: There she is…

Having received a face full of sneezing powder hidden among the fauna, Rarity begins sneezing uncontrollably. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash burst out laughing before running away. Rarity puts on a big smile as they pass.

Rarity (under her breath): Such tomfoolery will earn you a flaying in my kingdom.

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight looks around at the dusty, dirty room surrounding her.

Twilight (sighing): With Spike “sick,” all his menial tasks fall on me.

Twilight’s Mind: Error! Conversational partner not detected. Singular dialogue deemed wasteful and unfulfilling.

From upstairs, Spike loudly moans in pain.

Twilight (yelling): I know you’re faking, Spike! And I’m very disappointed. Big boys face their chores head-on. Apply directly to the forehead!

After a pause.

Twilight: Get it?

Spike moans even louder.

Twilight (under her breath): See if you get any socks this year.

Twilight walks to a storage closet and pulls out a broom. She sweeps a small corner of the room before collapsing onto the ground.

Twilight: This must be what it feels like to be an earth pony. I can’t take it!

Twilight stands up.

Twilight: If only Fluttershy were still offering favors…

The unicorn’s eyes light up.

Twilight: That’s it! I’ll ask to borrow Hoover! Free labor that won’t complain or ask for worker’s comp!

Twilight walks to the door.

Twilight (yelling): I’m heading out, Spike.

Spike can be heard vomiting once again.

Twilight: Ugh, that’d better be in the bucket!

At Fluttershy’s cottage.

Twilight knocks on the front door, which Fluttershy timidly opens.

Fluttershy: Hello?

Twilight: Hi Fluttershy!

Fluttershy: Oh, hi Twilight… what can I do for you?

Twilight: Is Hoover busy?

Fluttershy: He’s… cleaning himself right now.

After a pause.

Twilight: How?

Fluttershy: He has a hose attachment.

Twilight: Do you think I can borrow him?

Fluttershy: I can ask…

The conversation lulls as an awkward silence washes over the cottage. Fluttershy’s eye twitches before she suddenly spins around to yell at a door in the back of the room.

Fluttershy: SHUT UP! I’m allowed to have guests!

Twilight: Oooh, imaginary friends! I used to pretend Smarty Pants was alive. She’d play with me, and solve differential equations with me, and laugh at all my jokes. Even the bad ones!

Fluttershy: (genuinely confused): How could she tell the difference?

Silence washes over the room once again.

Twilight: Slander like that will get you flayed in my kingdom.

Fluttershy (nervously): …what?

Twilight: Just kidding, that was my Rarity impression! I also do impressions. Pretty good, huh?

Fluttershy: On the contrary, violence is never funny.

In the Everfree Forest, the mother manticore sobs profusely as she buries her son and daughter.

In Fluttershy’s cottage, Hoover glides into the room and nuzzles up against Twilight’s leg.

Fluttershy: Oh, he must have heard us talking about him. It looks like he’s willing to help you out.

Twilight: Excellent.

Fluttershy: Um… if it’s not rude to ask… why do you need a racuum anyway? Doesn’t Spike clean the library?

Twilight: Not when he’s “sick.” Which he is. Allegedly.

Fluttershy (gasping loudly): Spike’s sick?!

Twilight: Well… more like “abusing the fact that he has fingers and a throat.”

Fluttershy: Wait here!

The pegasus pony takes off and bolts through the door she was yelling at not two minutes earlier, disappearing into the basement of the cottage. Downstairs, she frantically digs through a series of drawers.

Fluttershy: Something triggered an adverse reaction! The serum was too strong!

Fluttershy slams her current drawer shut and throws open another.

Fluttershy: Where are those antibodies?!

Mysterious Voice: What’s this? ANOTHER dragon’s blood on your hooves?

Ignoring the voice, Fluttershy finally finds the syringe she’s looking for and flies back upstairs.

Fluttershy: No time to lose. Take Hoover. We’re going to the library!

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight opens the front door. The sound of Spike vomiting reverberates throughout the hollowed-out tree.

Twilight: What, is he puking up organs?

Fluttershy flies upstairs to Spike. Their conversation is plainly audible to Twilight.

Spike: Great. I thought today couldn’t get any worse…

Fluttershy: You poor thing. Just let Doctor Fluttershy make it all better.

Spike: Don’t come near me!

Fluttershy injects her syringe into Spike, and the baby dragon immediately passes out and begins snoring. The pegasus pony quietly descends to the first floor of the library.

Fluttershy: He should be all better when he wakes up.

Twilight: He’d better be.

Fluttershy: I’ll… I’ll be at the lake. I don’t feel like going home yet… take good care of Hoover.

Fluttershy flies out the front door.

Twilight: Well Hoover, you’ve got a lot of work to do. I’ll make a checklist to get you started.

Twilight summons a quill and begins writing on a nearby scroll, but the ink disappears as quickly as she can put it to paper.

Twilight: What black magic is this?

The unicorn hears giggling outside her window, and discovers Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash holding up a bottle of disappearing ink.

Pinkie (giggling): That was worth the hours of waiting!

Twilight smiles and waves as the two pranksters run off.

Twilight (chuckling): Oh you two. I’ll gladly perpetuate the idea that everyone loves pranks.

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack exits the barn to discover a shocking sight: all the apples in the orchard are painted a variety of pastel hues.

Applejack (confused): It ain’t zap apple season yet…

Applejack hears giggling behind her, and turns to find Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, easels and paintbrushes in tow. The farm pony throws apples at the duo until they run away, still giggling the whole time. One of the apples lands in a nearby barrel of water and the paint quickly washes off, leaving a red delicious beneath it. Upon discovering this, Applejack chuckles to herself.

Applejack: Well, a little lead poisonin’ never hurt nopony.

At the lake.

Fluttershy is innocently feeding the fish. As more creatures approach her, eagerly expecting their meals, she spots a strange squeaking turtle. Despite clearly being stitched together, Fluttershy does not immediately see through the turtle’s artifice. A rope tied to the creature extends along the bottom of the lake, and, submerging on the other side, ends in a rubber ball which Pinkie Pie excitedly squeaks. Rainbow Dash watches Fluttershy through a telescope.

Pinkie: Is someone over there? Who’re we gonna squirt, who’re we gonna squirt?

Rainbow (chuckling): Fluttershy.

Pinkie: What?!

Pinkie spits the ball out.

Pinkie: She’s at the lake? She meant THIS lake?! Nononononono, we can’t prank Fluttershy, I mean, she’s so sensitive, it’ll hurt her feelings. Even our most harmless prank.

Rainbow (sighing): Yeah…I guess you’re right. Huh. We need another victim who’s made of tougher stuff. Like literally any other pony on the planet. Maybe certain plant life.

Pinkie Pie giggles while looking at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: What? You can prank plants.

Pinkie (stifling laughter): No, no… I’ve got someone in mind.

Rainbow: Oh, awesome! Who, who, do I know them?

Pinkie (still laughing, pointing to the water): Oh yes! You’re very close.

Rainbow Dash sees her reflection, and discovers that Pinkie Pie had outlined the telescope with black marker, which now forms a ring around her eye.

Rainbow (cracking up): Good one, Pinkie Pie!

Rainbow Dash extends her hoof for the pony equivalent of a high-five, but pulls her hoof away every time Pinkie Pie tries to complete the gesture. The two ponies, easily amused, burst with laughter once more.

At the crack of dawn the next morning, Pinkie Pie trots to Rainbow Dash’s cloud home, wearing her best pranking glasses.

Pinkie: Rise and shine, Rainbow Dash. It’s a brand new day, and we’ve got a lot of pranking to do!

At the sound of Pinkie’s voice, Gilda peeks her head up and stares intensely into the eyes of her very loud guest.

Pinkie: Oooh.

Rainbow: Morning, Pink!

Rainbow Dash and Gilda fly down to greet Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow: Gilda, this is my gal pal Pinkie Pie.

Gilda (incredulous): Gal pal?

Rainbow: Ya know… friend. Who’s a gal. I have lots of gal pals.

Gilda: Hmmph. You presume jealousy. I was merely commenting on the needless redundancy of your statement.

Rainbow: Huh?

Gilda: You specify “gal” pal as though an alternative exists to warrant the specificity.

Pinkie (confused): Well… what about guys? Dash knows stallions, and she can’t very well call me her guy pal, can she?

Pinkie begins laughing to herself.

Pinkie: Think about it. Pinkie GUY! It sounds so silly!

Gilda takes to the air and slowly flies circles around Pinkie Pie, sniffing the air intensely.

Gilda: Typical. The stench of unopposed oppression emanates from your coat like the garish cologne of a stallion self-assured in the ability of his very presence to bring a mare to her knees.

Pinkie: What about her hocks?

Gilda: You offer nothing. You speak with the inflection of one too blind to recognize the oppressors for whom you've subconsciously developed Stockholm Syndrome!

Pinkie: Hey, just because I’m wearing shades doesn’t mean I’m blind!

Gilda rips the prank glasses from Pinkie’s face.

Gilda: Of course it does. Look what rests on the nose!

Pinkie: …a moustache?

Gilda (with contempt): Yes. A moustache. Long a symbol of male dominance: two symmetrical phalluses jutting in either direction; you prostitute yourself by plastering it to your face to placate the patriarchy.

Rainbow: Come on, Gilda…

Pinkie: I’m not an expert on biology, but-

Gilda: -Fine. Hook-shaped phalluses. The deformity has been known to exist. Mother Nature does, after all, have a sense of humor.

Pinkie (giggling to lighten the mood): That’s what I always say about platypi!

Rainbow: Anyway, Pinkie, I know she can come on a little strong, but this is my griffon friend Gilda.

Gilda: We have to be strong, living in a man’s world!

Pinkie: “Man?”

Rainbow (continuing): She’s my best friend from my days at Junior Speedster Flight Camp. Hey, remember the chant?

Gilda: That uninspired drivel intended to brainwash us and lull the female campers into a hypnotic trance in which we might more readily bend over to the suggestion of our subservient role in society? No, I’ve tried to-

Rainbow (interrupting, flying into the air): -awesome, let’s sing it!

Rainbow: Junior Speedsters are our lives-

Gilda (sighing): Only for you, Dash…

Gilda flies next to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash and Gilda: Skybound soars and daring dives. Each camper in his right place, young stallions to win the race. Filly campers wait your turn; culinary skills to learn.

Gilda and Rainbow Dash land.

Gilda: And you don’t see how that’s sexist?!

Rainbow: The camp’s been progressive for years. The chant’s just a fun tradition!

Gilda grinds her teeth as Pinkie Pie laughs uproariously.

Pinkie: That was awesome! And it gave me a great idea for a prank. We just need twenty kilos of cauliflower! Gilda, you game?

Gilda: Please. I may groove on a good prank as much as the next griffon, but Dash promised we’d get a flying session in this morning. No matter what men try, no one can take the sky from me!

Gilda takes to the air.

Rainbow: Yeah… um, well… Pinkie Pie, you don’t mind do you? Gilda just got here. We’ll catch up with you later!

Pinkie: Oh, um… sure, no problem. Have fun you guys-

Gilda (from the air): We’re not guys!

Pinkie: -I’ll just catch up with you…

Gilda and Rainbow Dash soar away.

Pinkie (sighing): …later.

In the past.

In the main Junior Speedster Headquarters.

The Junior Speedsters are all gathered in a huddle on the main floor, eager to start their first official day of camp. The camp counselor steps up onto a stage at the front of the room.

Camp Counselor (shouting into the microphone): Good morning, campers! Junior Speedsters are our lives…

Everypony(excitedly chanting): skybound soars and daring dives!

Gilda, the lone griffon in the crowd, sullenly refuses to take part in the chant.

Camp Counselor: Each camper in his right place…

Everypony: young stallions to win the race!

Camp Counselor: Filly campers wait your turn…

Gilda (under her breath): chauvinists to overturn.

Everypony: culinary skills to learn!

Their excitement at a fever pitch, the crowd cheers madly.

Camp Counselor: That’s right! I can feel the enthusiasm in the air! Today marks the beginning of the best two weeks of your lives. Many applied to be Junior Speedsters; many did not make it. You are the best of the best. The most promising young fliers Equestria has ever seen. Who knows, I may even be looking at future Wonder Bolts right now!

Everypony screams loud enough to bring the cloud roof down.

Camp Counselor: But enough about me. Today is all about you! I want you to start forging friendships that will last a lifetime! To that end, each of you has been randomly partnered with a fellow camper. When I call your names, you and your partner will fly to the stage to pick up a quill and a Junior Speedster Introductory Interview form. Then you’ll find a private corner of the room in which to get to know each other.

Faint sighs of exasperation can be heard murmuring through the crowd.

Camp Counselor (chuckling): I know, you just want to fly, but these questions were hoof-picked for maximum fun. The relationships you make in this camp will mean more to you than any flying lessons ever could.

The counselor calls out the names of every camper. Rainbow Dash is partnered with Gilda, and the duo sits in awkward silence, Gilda radiating contempt for her surroundings before finally speaking up.

Gilda: This stupid camp isn’t exactly living up to expectations.

Rainbow: It’s just the first day. Trust me, flight camps get WAY better after the introductions.

Gilda: Whatever.

Rainbow (awkwardly): So… maybe we should just fill out the interview. My name’s Rainbow Dash, my favorite food is hay fries, my favorite color is rainbow, duh, my favorite movie is Top Gun, and I want to be a Wonder Bolt when I grow up!

Gilda: Ooh, how original.

Rainbow: I-

Gilda: I’m Gilda, my least favorite chromosome is Y, and I’m only at this overwrought machismo receptacle because my parents found my stash and thought camp would teach me “discipline.” That’s all you need to know.

Rainbow: You could at least try to have fun…

Camp Counselor (back at the microphone): Attention campers! It has just come to my attention that we have a very special pony among our ranks this year. Who remembers last year’s spectacular Sonic Rainboom?

An awed hush falls over the crowd.

Camp Counselor: That’s right. The rainboom was achieved by none other than your fellow camper… Raaaiiinbooow… DAAASSSHHH!

A heretofore unseen spotlight absorbs Rainbow Dash in its fluorescent glow. The crowd, now aware of the presence of true aerial greatness, goes ballistic. Her ego inflated near to bursting, Rainbow Dash flies to the stage.

Camp Counselor: Rainbow Dash, it is an honor, but… why in the world did you leave the Sonic Rainboom off your application?

Rainbow: My parents say not to bring it up too much.

A sarcastic thought enters Rainbow Dash’s head.

Rainbow (working the crowd): Besides… I figured you’d just be jealous I pulled it off at another camp.

The crowd laughs uproariously. Even the counselor chuckles.

Camp Counselor: My my, a talented flyer AND a comedian! I assure you, the Junior Speedsters are honored simply that you chose us for further flight training. Now, we have a rigid schedule to uphold, but I do have just one question which I’m sure the crowd wants to know… if you wouldn’t mind.

Rainbow: Ask away.

Camp Counselor: How did it feel… to create a Sonic Rainboom?

Rainbow: Well, let’s just say this. It’s not every pony who earns her Cutie Mark by proving one of the oldest legends in the world…

Rainbow dash poses so her flank is visible to the entire audience.

Rainbow: …but I did.

Rainbow takes to the air and performs three complex loop-de-loops before landing once more on the stage in a dramatic pose for her rapt audience. The roar of the crowd is all but deafening.

Camp Counselor: Rainbow Dash, every pony! We are certainly in for an interesting two weeks, if I do say so myself.

Gilda (under her breath): The Sonic Rainboom, huh…?

In the present.

Rainbow Dash and Gilda are soaring through the skies of Ponyville in an intense race. Neck-in-neck, they finally land on the finish cloud, both friends happily laughing to blow off steam.

Gilda: Whoa, that was sweet. Just like old times!

Rainbow (smiling mischievously): Yeah, except you kept up this time!

Gilda: Hey. As I recall, YOU struggled to keep up with ME in… other sorts of races.

Rainbow (chuckling): Yeah, I guess. So, now what?

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie’s head pops up from beneath the cloud.

Pinkie: Hey there.

Just as suddenly, Pinkie Pie disappears.

Gilda and Rainbow: Huh?

Pinkie Pie’s head pops up again.

Pinkie: It’s later.

Pinkie Pie disappears again, but quickly reappears.

Pinkie: And I caught up.

Rainbow looks to the ground to discover Pinkie Pie is using a giant trampoline to bounce up to the cloud.

Rainbow: Pinkie Pie, you are so random!

Gilda: Hey Dash, think you got enough gas left to beat me to that cloud?

Rainbow: Another race? Your funeral!

Gilda: One, two, three, go!

The two flight capable creatures take off, leaving Pinkie Pie alone with her oversized trampoline.

Pinkie: Hey!

At the next finish cloud, the race is once again too close to call.

Rainbow: I win!

Gilda: As if. My victory is unquestionable.

Rainbow: Oh yeah? Well I question it!

Gilda: Can’t be done.

Rainbow: Watch me. Here I go… questioning.

An extended silence hangs over the duo.

Gilda: So is this like a silent contemplation thing?

At this, Pinkie Pie floats into the air, a bouquet of balloons tied to her back.

Pinkie: Wow guys-

Gilda: -Grr-

Pinkie: -that was really close! But I think Rainbow Dash beat you by a teeny weeny itty-bitty hair. Or a teeny weeny itty-bitty feather!

Rainbow: Ha! See, good thing Pinkie Pie’s here to keep you honest, G!

Gilda (seething): Ok… Dash, last one to that cloud up there is a subjugated Sappho. Go!

Rainbow Dash immediately takes off, but Gilda lingers behind.

Gilda (to Pinkie): I think the high altitude is making you dizzy.

Pinkie: Well, that or the vodka. All I had was Taaka…

Using her talons, Gilda pops just enough balloons to send Pinkie steadily falling back toward the ground.

Pinkie: Wait, guys!

Gilda soars toward the cloud, where Rainbow Dash is already casually lying in wait.

Rainbow: See, THIS is what we call an unquestionable victory.

A mechanical whirring fills the air. Gilda and Rainbow Dash look behind them to discover Pinkie Pie in some sort of flying bicycle-like contraption. Neither racer can determine the vehicle’s origin or explain its sudden appearance.

Pinkie: Wow! You guys almost got away from me that time.

Gilda: So… Dash… got any new moves in your repertoire? I’d say I’m pretty well acquainted with all your old tricks.

Rainbow: New moves? Well, I don’t like to show off… TOO much… but sit back and be amazed by the Buccaneer Blaze!

Rainbow takes off to warm up for her trick, leaving Gilda glowering at Pinkie.

Gilda: Hey Pinkie. Come here.

Pinkie flies closer to Gilda.

Pinkie: Yeah?

Gilda grabs the machine and gets right in Pinkie’s face.

Gilda: Perhaps you’re not familiar with social cues.

Pinkie: Perhaps YOU’RE not familiar with social mores!

Gilda (confused): Well… no, I reject them, but…

Unable to contain herself, Pinkie Pie erupts in mirthful laughter.

Pinkie (still laughing): I couldn’t resist! Isn’t it such a funny word? “Mores!”

Pinkie Pie flails her hooves with glee.

Pinkie: “Excuse me, waiter, may I have some mores?”

Gilda: ENOUGH! Dash doesn’t need to hang out with ponies like you now that I’m around. You’re just draggin’ us down. And we don’t take kindly to DEAD WEIGHT!

As she shouts “DEAD WEIGHT,” Gilda grabs the flying contraption’s propeller and holds on with an iron grip. The propeller gets tangled up in itself, sending Pinkie careening violently toward the ground. Rainbow Dash, having completed the Buccaneer Blaze, lands next to Gilda.

Rainbow: Try matching THAT!

Rainbow looks around.

Rainbow: Hey… where’s Pinkie Pie?

Gilda: Ehh, she left. Something about being dead weight.

Rainbow (chuckling): That Pinkie Pie and her wordplay.

Gilda: What’s the joke?

On the ground, Pinkie lays sprawled among the shattered remains of her flying machine.

Pinkie: Hmm. How did I survive that fall?

In the past.

In the Junior Speedster cafeteria, Rainbow Dash has picked up her tray and is looking for a place to sit. Every pony at every table scoots over to make room for the best flyer in camp. But one voice in particular, coming from a table all by herself, catches Rainbow Dash’s ear.

Gilda: Rainbow Dash! Over here!

Rainbow Dash walks over to Gilda.

Rainbow: Gilda?

Gilda: I… I feel like we started things off on the wrong talon. I wanted to apologize.

Rainbow Dash sits down.

Gilda: I was rude. I was cynical and sarcastic. Just because I don’t want to be at this camp doesn’t mean it was ok to take my frustration out on you.

Rainbow: It’s cool. I’m already wayyy over it! But how can you not want to be here?!

Gilda: I told you, camp wasn’t my idea. My parents… they’ve never approved of my decisions. They’re always trying to change me; to turn me into something I’m not.

Rainbow: What do you mean?

Gilda: Can I tell you a secret? You have to promise not to tell another soul!

Rainbow: Sure.

Gilda: There was another griffon in my neighborhood… Glenn. My parents were always trying to hook us up, but… Glenn was nice enough; it wasn’t his fault. I just didn’t feel anything when I looked at him, I didn’t see a mate. No matter what guy I looked at, I didn’t feel what I was apparently supposed to feel. My parents are too closed-minded to understand, but we can’t control who we’re attracted to. How can you argue there’s only one natural way of things?

Under the table, Gilda subtly brushes her paw against Rainbow Dash’s hoof. Rainbow Dash does not draw back.

Rainbow (lost in thought): I know exactly what you mean…

Gilda: I’ve seen you fly, Rainbow Dash. You’re good. But I’m better.

Rainbow: Oh really?! I’d leave you in the dust!

Gilda: Let’s test that. What do you say to a race around the track tonight, once everyone else is asleep? Just you and me.

Rainbow: Oh, you are on!

Gilda: Eleven o’ clock. Don’t be late

In the present.

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight: So Pinkie Pie, are you sure that this friend of Rainbow Dash is really so mean?

Pinkie: Um, yeah! She keeps stealing Rainbow Dash away, she popped my balloons, and she called me “dead weight” and threw me to the ground. She tried to kill me!

Twilight: Pinkie, I’m sure she’s not a murderer. “Dead weight” was probably just a pun on the high altitude, and your… lack of wings.

Pinkie: Hmmph. Well she certainly killed Wilbur!

Twilight: Wilbur?

Pinkie: My flying machine, duhh! Wilbur’s gone; now all that’s left is Orville, and what can you do with just ONE flying machine?

Twilight: …build another?

Pinkie: And what would I name it?!

Twilight: …Frank Lloyd…?

Pinkie: Not good enough! Gilda’s a mean meanie grumpy grouchy pants! She must be stopped!

Twilight: You know what I think, Pinkie Pie?

Pinkie: Hmm?

Twilight: Well, I think… you’re jealous.

Pinkie: Jealous?!

Spike: Green with envy. Well, in your case pink with envy.

Twilight: Spike! What are you doing downstairs?! There’s still vomit in the floorboards!

Spike (deadpan): Just getting another rag.

Twilight: No. Clean the dirty one.

Groaning, Spike trudges back upstairs.

Twilight: Two rags for one fake illness? I don’t think so.

After a pause.

Twilight: He’s right though. Pinkie… I don’t want to upset you, but just because Rainbow Dash has another friend doesn’t make Gilda a grump. From her perspective, maybe you’re the one trying to steal Rainbow Dash away. Perhaps it’s you, Pinkie, who needs to improve her attitude.

Pinkie: Improve MY attitude?! But I… it… It’s Gilda who… are you seri- UGH!!!

Pinkie storms out of the library. She strolls aimlessly, lost in thought.

Pinkie: Maybe Twilight’s right. Maybe I’m just a big jealous judgmental jealous jealousy pants.

Pinkie sighs softly to herself.

Later that day, Pinkie Pie is sipping a milkshake outside Sugarcube Corner, watching as Rainbow Dash and Gilda soar through the air.

Rainbow: Ugh, I gotta take care of a few weather jobs around here. Shouldn’t take long. Just, uh, hang out in town and I’ll come find you.

Gilda: That’s cool I guess. I’ll find some way to entertain myself.

Rainbow: Later.

Rainbow Dash flies away and Gilda surveys the town. She spots Granny Smith approaching a nearby vegetable vendor.

Gilda (smirking): Perfect.

Gilda walks over to Granny Smith.

Gilda: Greetings. You look like the type of pony who’s seen quite a bit of field work in her day.

Granny Smith (proudly): Been here since before Ponyville itself.

Gilda (with disinterest): Mmhmm. So how does it make you feel to know I frequently have consensual sex with multiple women deemed “unattractive” by conventional standards of beauty?

Granny Smith (confused): What are women?

Gilda: Don’t like it, do you? Boils your blood. Bet you want to get a lynch mob together, don’t you?

Granny Smith: Applejack’s always goin’ on about some Lynch fellow…

Gilda (to every pony): AH HA! You heard it. You ALL heard it! Prejudice and persecution, but what else can you expect from the south?

Gilda (to Granny Smith): You swallow propaganda like the unquestioning lapdog of a man who stubbornly refuses to pull out!

Granny Smith: You talkin’ about Winona…?

Gilda: I have no time for redneck ignorance. Remove yourself from my sight.

Granny Smith (walking away): What a nice eagle.

Pinkie (deadly serious): Her neck is NOT red.

Gilda uses her tail to furtively steal an apple as she passes another nearby vendor.

Pinkie (gasping): She’s a meanie mean pants AND a thief! I didn’t misjudge her at all!

As Pinkie speaks, Fluttershy slowly backs past her, slowly leading a family of ducklings through Ponyville.

Fluttershy: All right little ones, this way. This way. Mrs. Mallard, you’re free and clear.

As she addresses the family, Fluttershy backs directly into Gilda.

Gilda: Hey!

Fluttershy: Oh, please excuse me.

Gilda: I’m walkin’ here!

Fluttershy: Oh, um… I’m sorry…

Gilda: What are you doing, anyway?!

Fluttershy: I was… Mrs. Mallard said there were too many… foxes and turtles at my cottage. I thought the family could make a new home at the… at the little island in the lake.

Gilda: Well. A little late to have an opinion now, isn’t it Mrs. Mallard? You voided your voice the moment you got married.

Fluttershy (under her breath): Mallards don’t marry.

Gilda: You willingly consigned yourself to imprisonment in archaic gender roles. Just like every pony else in this pathetic town who refuses to wake up and smell the patriarchy!

Fluttershy: Um… excuse me…

Gilda: What?!

Fluttershy: How… can we have a patriarchy? Equestria is… 86.32 percent female, plus or minus a Snips and Snails margin of error. I would know.

Gilda: And I suppose you’ve studied the census reports?!

Fluttershy: They… they’re good light reading…

Random Bystander (shouting at Gilda): We’re ruled by two princesses! You don’t know what you’re talking about, so stop being a jerk!

Gilda: You merely prove my point. Two princesses? Why not a queen?! Or is that too high a position to grant a lowly female?

Pinkie (gasping): But that’s a Hasbro thing. It doesn’t even count!

Fluttershy: Um, anyway… um… I’ll just… take the Mallards…

Inhaling as deeply as possible, Gilda lets out an ear-splitting roar right in Fluttershy’s face. The ducklings scatter and flee, and Fluttershy, unable to respond, quickly flies away as she breaks down crying.

Gilda: Whatever. All you lame ponies are cramping my style. I gotta bail.

Gilda soars into the sky.

Pinkie: She’s a grump, and a thief, and a bully! The meanest kind of mean meanie pants there is! I can take it, but no one treats Fluttershy like that. No one! This calls for drastic measures… Pinkie Pie style!

In the past.

At eleven o’ clock, Rainbow Dash flies to the Junior Speedster aerial course. Gilda is already there waiting for her.

Gilda: You came.

Rainbow: I never back down from a challenge!

Gilda (smirking): I should hope not. Now, one race around the entire track. My record’s two minutes. You ready to lose?

Rainbow: In your dreams.

The two racers take off and soar through the track with unprecedented speed. Neck in neck, every time they lock eyes, Rainbow Dash gains a momentary burst of speed as her blood grows hotter. With the finish line in sight, both contestants give one final push, diving into the clouds with hooves and talons outstretched. When the dust settles, Rainbow Dash finds Gilda right on top of her. She does not get up.

Rainbow: I won! I won!

Gilda: Shhh.

Gilda gently places a talon atop Rainbow Dash’s lips. Flustered, Dash meets the griffon’s eyes, and after a moment they both lean in for a passionate, adrenaline-fueled kiss. After Gilda slowly pulls away, Dash suddenly takes to the air.

Rainbow: No… no no no…

Gilda: What?

Rainbow: This isn’t… my dad… I’m not supposed to act on any impulses… he says I’m only allowed to date stallions!

Gilda: We aren’t even the same species. I’d think gender would be a secondary concern. Besides…

Gilda flies below Rainbow Dash and gingerly runs a talon all the way up her body, sending chills all the way to the tips of Dash’s wings. She stops right at Dash’s mouth.

Gilda: … we don’t have to call it “dating,” you know.

Hormones on overdrive, the two embrace once more, careening into the clouds below.

In the present.

At the mayor’s office.

Mayor Mare is sitting alone at her desk, hard at work on her daily crossword puzzle.

Mayor (tapping her quill on the desk): Hmm… six letter word for “nuisance…”

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie and the mayor’s secretary come bursting through the door.

Secretary: PINKIE!

Mayor (without looking up): No, it ends with an “R.” Good try, though.

Secretary: Like I told you, the mayor is very busy and is not taking visitors at this time!

Pinkie: And like I told you, this is too urgent to wait!

The mayor finally looks up.

Mayor: Pinkie Pie, ponies usually request to enter my office. I’m a very busy pony.

Pinkie Pie surveys the mayor’s desk, seeing only the crossword puzzle and assorted papers, haphazardly jumbled about.

Pinkie: With what?

Mayor (lifting a hoof): Look over there.

Pinkie follows the mayor’s hoof and discovers a hideous grey monster in the corner of the office, seemingly cobbled together out of dust and wheezing for air with every breath.

Pinkie: Is that-

Mayor: One of Fluttershy’s patented “dust bunnies,” yes. He was a gift; looking for a good home as she put it. Yesterday afternoon, against all odds, he finally stood on his own dust legs, entirely supporting his own dust weight. I’m writing the great Equestrian novel about his existential quest just to get by in a world that looks upon him as an abomination. Know what it’s called?

Pinkie (after a moment): Watership Dust?

Mayor: Well, that’s… of course, my title is every bit as clever…

Mayor Mare quickly hides a manuscript entitled “Dusty’s Big Adventure” under her desk.

Mayor: Now, Pinkie, what will it take to get you out of my office.

Pinkie: Simple. Clear the Pinkie Board.

Mayor: What?

Pinkie: You heard me.

Mayor: …You don’t actually have a prize lined up, do you?

Pinkie: It’s nothing like that! Although I am winning by at LEAST fifty deaths anyway.

Mayor: Derpy’s closing the gap…

Pinkie: No, the board is evidence that we can’t have lying around.

Mayor: I don’t understand, Pinkie!

Pinkie: You see, Ponyville’s got a bit of a griffon problem…

In the past.

For the rest of flight camp, Rainbow Dash and Gilda are inseparable. They consistently outperform every other camper in structured activities, and spend all their free time together. At night, they fly away from camp and into Cloudsdale, sneaking into bars, burlesque shows, and anywhere else that catches their fancy. Her face positively beaming, it is the happiest Rainbow Dash has ever been in her life.

In the present.

At Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie has set up a fabulous party, which ponies are trickling into.

Pinkie: Welcome, welcome!

Applejack: Who’s this Gilda I’ve heard nothin’ about?

Rarity: I hear she’s an “old friend” of Rainbow Dash. A griffon. So rare!

Twilight (to Fluttershy): You’ve met Gilda, right? What’s she like?

Fluttershy: Oh, um, well… I’ll tell you later, Twilight.

Pinkie: Welcome, welcome!

Fluttershy walks over to Pinkie.

Fluttershy: Um, Pinkie Pie… about this party for Gilda… are you sure this plan is going to work? Maybe… maybe it’s an overreaction. We should call it off…

Pinkie: After how she treated you? Trust me, I’ll make sure the truth gets out before her life is ruined or anything. We’re just teaching her a lesson!

Fluttershy: Oh, ok… if you say so. She is just a big bitch anyway.

In the past.

It is the last day of Junior Speedsters Flight Camp. Campers are packing up their belongings and waiting for their parents to sign them out. Gilda approaches Rainbow Dash.

Gilda: Hey, Dash.

Rainbow: Hey Gilda…

Gilda: It’s been real, hasn’t it?

Rainbow: Yeah…

Gilda: But, all this… it was really just a fling, right? Ya know, just two campers having a good time together. Nothing wrong with it. You and I, we’re both free spirits – we can’t be shackled by a long distance relationship.

Rainbow: You’re breaking up with me?

Gilda: We agreed we weren’t dating. Some relationships have an expiration date, and I just… didn’t want to give you the wrong impression. You’re a beautiful girl, Rainbow Dash. Any mare would be lucky to have you.

Rainbow Dash mulls over Gilda’s words, coming to grips with the end of her first relationship, then runs and passionately kisses the griffon.

Rainbow: I’ll miss you so much, Gilda. Promise you’ll visit!

As the pair’s lips lock, a gasp runs through the surrounding audience of campers, followed by hushed murmuring.

Random Camper A: I knew it!

Random Camper B (to his neighbor): You owe me five bits.

Random Camper C: Oh sure, everyone gets laid at camp but me!

Random Camper D: Gross!

Random Camper E: My parents will not be pleased about this.

Random Camper F: I thought this was a wholesome camp.

Random Camper G: It’s just like my fanfic!

Confused, Rainbow Dash pulls away… and locks eyes with her parents, standing in the doorway. Campers sidle away from her as she runs to her fathers.

Dream (gently): Come on, Rainbow Dash. Let’s get you home.

The Rainbow family flies away, leaving Gilda glowering at the crowd of campers.

Gilda: What, you’re all too narrow-minded to recognize love?! Nothing but a bunch’a prudes. Just like everywhere else!

Gilda takes to the air.

Gilda: Whatever! Screw you losers! This camp sucks anyway.

Gilda angrily soars away.

Later, at Rainbow Dash’s house.

Rainbow Dash is in her bedroom, crying softly to herself. Victory Dash walks in and gently puts his arm around his daughter.

Rainbow: Dad… I’m sorry…

Victory: Sorry for what?

Rainbow: Gilda… she wasn’t a stallion. I thought it was ok, but… did you see how everybody looked at us? What they were whispering? They hated us!

Victory Dash sighs to himself.

Victory: I know I’ve been hard on you over the years. It’s caused some rifts between your father and I, but everything I did, I did so you would never feel this exact pain. Values and ideals that challenge the status quo are not readily accepted in Equestria. The only union recognized here is that between a stallion and a mare. And change trickles down like molasses. Just look how long we’ve had the same princess.

Rainbow: What do you mean?

Victory: Your father and I know what you’re feeling all too well. The intolerance, the revulsion. I can’t speak for Dream, but I swore to myself no child of mine would ever suffer the way I have.

Rainbow: It’s too late… I’ll never live this down...

Victory: Sure you will. We’re a long way from the Junior Speedsters. You’re not defined by one event. Some day you may even be able to look back on this and laugh. After all… it was just one time at flight camp.

Rainbow: Just one time?

Victory: That’s right.

Rainbow: It was just one time at flight camp… it’s not who I am… it was just one time…

In the present.

At Pinkie Pie’s party.

Pinkie: Gilda!

Pinkie bounces over to the griffon, who has just entered the building.

Pinkie: I’m so honored to throw you one of my signature Pinkie Pie parties. And I really, truly, sincerely hope you feel welcome here amongst all us pony folk.

Pinkie Pie extends her hoof. Gilda suspiciously shakes it, only to receive a powerful electrocution. Pinkie Pie giggle ferociously. Rainbow Dash, walking up, giggles as well.

Rainbow: Oh, Pinkie Pie, the old hoof shake buzzer. You are a scream!

Gilda: Indeed. Your antics are most worthy of a scream.

Rainbow: Come on, G, I’ll introduce you to some of my other friends.

Gilda: Right behind ya, Dash!

Gilda (to Pinkie Pie): I know what you’re up to.

Pinkie: Really?

Gilda: I know what you’re planning!

Pinkie: Well THAT would be a surprise! My plans are pretty out there!

Pinkie runs to the center of the room.

Pinkie: Everyone, I’d like you all to meet Gilda, a long time dear friend of Rainbow Dash. Let’s honor her and welcome her to Ponyville.

The crowd lets out a muted cheer. Many of them have, after all, already met Gilda, and feel no obligation to honor her.

Pinkie (gesturing to the snack table): Please, help yourself.

Gilda cautiously approaches the table, but cannot help herself when she lays eyes on the first snack.

Gilda: Vanilla lemon drops. Don’t mind if I do.

Gilda pops a lemon drop into her mouth, but quickly discovers, to her horror, that it is not a lemon drop. It is in fact…

Gilda: BUTTERSCOTCH!

Gilda gags, and desperately begins searching for something to wash the hellish flavor from her mouth.

Rainbow: G, the punch!

Gilda runs to the punch bowl, but when she tries to drink, she finds the liquid simply spilling onto her chest.

Pinkie: Well what do you know, butterscotch lemon drops and the punch served in a dribble glass!

Rainbow: Priceless.

Gilda (drinking from a regular cup): Yeah. Hilarious.

Pinkie: But seriously folks, we’ve had a lot of laughs. Some fantastic pranks here, but maybe it’s about time Gilda got a chance to prank me!

Gilda: That’s more like it.

Pinkie rolls out a dunking booth.

Pinkie: The rules are simple. Gilda gets three tennis balls, and three chances to hit that bullseye. I’ll be sitting on the platform, and if she succeeds, I fall into the ice cold water! What do you say, Gilda?

Gilda: This game is childish.

Pinkie (climbing onto the platform): Does that mean you can’t do it?

Gilda picks up a tennis ball.

Gilda: I only need one shot.

Gilda hits the exact center of the target with a perfect throw. Pinkie falls into the water as expected… but, most unexpectedly, the entire pool lights up in a surge of electricity. When the surge finally stops, Pinkie’s body floats lifelessly to the surface of the water, still smoking. The room is utterly silent, except for Fluttershy, who runs to the pool.

Fluttershy: Pinkie Pie’s dead!

Whispers break out amongst the crowd, but Fluttershy yells even louder.

Fluttershy: Pinkie Pie’s dead, and she’s NEVER coming back!

Fluttershy locks eyes with Rainbow Dash, silently imploring her not to speak up.

Gilda (frantically): I didn’t… I just threw the ball…

Fluttershy reaches into the water and pulls the buzzer off of Pinkie Pie’s hoof.

Fluttershy: And look. The buzzer… it had a loose wire! And who was the last one to touch it?!

As a realization sweeps across the room, every pony turns to stare accusingly at Gilda.

Rainbow’s Mind: Oh wow, they are building to the best prank EVER!

Fluttershy: Why’d you do it, Gilda?

Carrot Top: Did you really think we’d believe it was an accident?

Mr. Cake: I know you’ve had your differences, but she was our best employee!

Derpy: Electricity conducts water. Everyone knows that!

Gilda: I didn’t… it was… this isn’t…

The mayor suddenly bursts through the door, Pinkie Board in tow.

Mayor: This board lists everyone who’s ever killed Pinkie Pie. And you’re the only one on it!

Gilda screams and takes into the air, circling to glower at every pony.

Gilda: I didn’t kill her! SHE set up that prank wearing that buzzer, and she should have known what would happen! I didn’t touch any wires, but I’m certainly not going to mourn her death. Pinkie Pie was the WORST pony I have ever met! Her puerile pranks, her obviously fake bubbly personality; you’re all better off without her! Not that it helps – you’re still the most backwards, misogynistic, out of touch town I’ve ever had the misfortune of staying at! Come on Rainbow Dash, we’re bailing on this pathetic scene… and all you ponies had better just stay out of our way!

Rainbow Dash keeps her hooves firmly planted on the ground.

Gilda: I said come ON Rainbow Dash!

Rainbow: You know, Gilda, you’re so quick to accuse everyone else of being intolerant, but if someone doesn’t fit into your own world view, you don’t even hesitate to throw them under the bus. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You use ponies however you see fit… just like you used me back at flight camp. I only realize it now, but you took advantage of my vulnerability; I was just a plaything you tossed out once you were bored. This scene isn’t “pathetic,” Gilda. It’s full of ponies who actually care about me… and I could never betray them.

Rainbow looks at Pinkie Pie’s corpse, then turns back to Gilda.

Rainbow: You’d better get out of here. The cops will be here soon.

Gilda screams in frustration then flies out the door and away from Ponyville.

Mayor (yelling): And don’t you ever come back!

Rainbow Dash(to the crowd): I’m sorry, every pony, for bringing Gilda here. I didn’t know how rude she was. But I guess Pinkie Pie did, and that’s why she set up this little party. And you, Fluttershy, thank you for helping me see the truth.

Fluttershy: Oh, um… you’re welcome.

Rainbow: Now, come on, we’d better get Pinkie out of that pool so she doesn’t wake up and drown again.

Rarity: Actually, I’ve never been clear on that. What if she were chopped into little pieces? She can’t “wake up” from that. How does the revival even work?

Applejack (laughing): Oh, Rarity, you’re thinkin’ too much!

Rarity: I was just wondering…

Later that night.

Dear Princess Celestia-

Today I learned that even though your first love can often seem like the only love you’ll ever know, more often than not, such thoughts are immature and misinformed. Reuniting with that first love may seem like an alluring idea, but it will only bring trouble, heartbreak, and tarnished memories. If we do not purge ourselves of such attachments, the past will control us. And, nostalgia notwithstanding, the present is truly a more beautiful place when we can appreciate it for its own value.

                                                                            -Your faithful student,

                                                                              Twilight Sparkle

Outside Twilight’s library.

Twilight (from inside): Spike! Is the pyre lit?

Spike (tending the flames): It is. Why am I in this cloak again?

Twilight exits the library, garbed in a dark cloak and somberly carrying a small book.

Twilight: This ritual requires the proper amenities.

Spike: Ritual?

Twilight: I’ve been living in the same building as my first love all this time, Spike. It’s time I moved on as well.

Twilight holds the book over her head.

Twilight: Oh fires of the ancient world, take this tome as sacrifice. Let it enter eternal respite, where its words may be known to all who seek enlightenment. I cast it from my life and into the ether, where all good books must one day make their final repose. May the purifying flames of literature burn ever brightly into eternity.

Twilight throws The Velveteen Rabbit into the fire. As the book burns, Twilight finds herself unable to contain her emotions and runs sobbing back into the library. Once she’s gone, Spike catches sight of the book’s cover before it completely burns away.

Spike: Eww… she got that on her first birthday!

As Spike walks inside, Twilight’s fire burns brightly against the peaceful night sky.