My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

by Hans Davidson

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 60437

An episode-by-episode parody of Friendship is Magic.

This parody goes through the series, sending up the plots and situations of each episode. As a precaution, it is in a script format, but seeing as the general scenes will match the episodes we're all familiar with, I do not think this will prove to be a problem. As well as the more overtly comedic elements, more dramatic backstory and character development of my own creation will be incorporated. I hope you enjoy it, and comments and feedback are always welcome!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-12 09:28:16 UTC

Episode 1: Mare in the Moon

The myth:

Celestia: Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together, and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn. The younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies.

The reality:

In the past.

Celestia and Luna are sitting alone in the Canterlot Castle throne room. Celestia is laughing uproariously.

Celestia (in between tears): And then I told them… I told them… get this, I told them I raise the sun in the morning, and you raise the moon at night. And they believed me!

Celestia falls to the ground, rolling with laughter.

Luna: The humor you find in this scenario is lost upon me.

Celestia (stifling her laughter): They bowed down! They’ll believe anything we tell them, no matter how ridiculous! Do you know how much fun this princess thing is gonna be?

Luna: Keeping our subjects mired in the scientific dark ages does not fit my definition of “fun.” I question why we bothered to usurp Discord at all, if we intend merely to resume his practices.

Celestia stares at her sister for a moment, then grins from ear to ear.

Celestia: Oh, lighten up, sister.

Luna looks self-consciously at the dark fur covering her body.

Luna: You know I detest that saying, sister. I cannot be held accountable for mother’s wilder tendencies. I feel no shame in my father, nor in the fact that he is different from yours.

Celestia (still grinning): Well, like I always say about mother, once she went black-

Luna: -she died of an unrelated heart attack. It appalls me that you treat our mother’s untimely demise as fodder for racial slurs. You are a princess now, and must embody the dignity befitting the role.

Celestia’s face falls.

Celestia: You’re gonna make being royalty a real bummer, you know that?

The myth:

Celestia: But as time went on, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night.

The reality:

Less far in the past.

Celestia and Luna are once again sitting in the throne room.

Luna: I cannot BELIEVE you, Celestia!

Celestia: Come on, quit being so dramatic.

Luna: Dramatic? Dramatic?! We were visiting Phillydelphia on royal business! And what did you do? You snuck away from the proceedings to visit the city’s slums, of all places, and while there you threw money at the homeless ponies to watch them fight over it!

Celestia: I wanted to see how far they’d go.

Luna: Three ponies almost died!

Celestia: So… pretty far.

Luna: How do you live with yourself?! You are royalty and you treat your subjects’ well-being as a joke!

Celestia: Everything is a joke, sister. You just have to learn to find the punch line.

Luna screams in frustration.

Luna: Equestria improves solely through the efforts I make to counteract your… jokes. You place too much stock in our invincibility. Provoke the populace enough, and some pony will rise against us. Just as we rose against Discord.

Celestia: With the Elements of Harmony at our side? None would be so brash.

Luna: The world is not our plaything, sister. Why can you not understand that? Why has power changed you so?

Unable to stop herself, Luna begins crying softly. Genuinely shocked by the outburst, Celestia walks over and hugs her sister.

Luna: I fear for you, sister. I fear for what someone will do to you.

Celestia: I’ll change, dear Luna. I do not wish to upset you like this. I love you, sister.

Though she speaks earnestly, the gears inside her head turn rapidly as Celestia holds her sister close…

Even less far in the past.

Celestia and Luna are once again sitting in the throne room.

Celestia: Do you think earth ponies deserve to live?

Luna: Excuse me?!

Celestia: Think about it. Pegasi fly and control the weather, unicorns wield magic… what do earth ponies do? Buck apples? A task more efficiently executed with magic?

Luna: They exist freely. That is enough.

Celestia: Ooooh… “freely.” That gives me an idea. Unicorns could enslave the earth ponies!

Luna: This line of conversation repulses me.

Celestia: Relax, sister. I’m not actually advocating equine enslavement. It’s merely a thought experiment. Although plans to enslave the dragons are moving forward nicely!

Luna dramatically stands up from her throne, taking her sister by surprise.

Luna: That is IT!! I cannot abide your behavior any longer! You promised to change, yet the last two months have seen no attempt on your part to do so!

Celestia: I did try! But you get upset by every. Little. Thing! Just having fun is a sin in your eyes! Why bother living up to your impossible standards?

Luna: Equestria deserves a true princess, not a misanthrope who sits idly by and laughs at its misfortunes!

Celestia: Its hilarious misfortunes.

Luna: I should have known two thrones were always destined to struggle amongst themselves. There can be only one. Celestia, my sister, though it pains me to do so, I hereby banish you from Equestira. You’ve done enough damage here.

Luna’s horn begins to glow, as she focuses all her energy into a spell that summons the Elements of Harmony to her side… but the Elements do not come. They instead appear by Celestia’s side.

Celestia: Oh, right. I forgot to tell you, I’ve been brushing up on my arcane magic the past couple years, and I found a spell that switches the Elements’ allegiance to me… and me alone. It slipped my mind, I swear. It was insurance I hoped never to need.

Luna stares dumbfounded at her sister, whose eyes glow white as she floats into the air, the Elements circling around her.

Celestia: I saw it coming… I just didn’t want to believe it. Your attempted betrayal hurts me more than you know. However, you are still my sister, and I love you, so I will be generous. Leave Canterlot Castle, dear Luna. Live among the denizens of Equestria you love so much. You will not be bothered… so long as you never show your face here again. If you do, I will not be so lenient.

Celestia’s horn begins to glow as she prepares a powerful spell.

Celestia: We were meant to rule together. It brings me no joy to do this.

Luna disappears in a burst of light. When the light subsides, Celestia collapses to the ground, stifling back genuine tears.

Celestia: Goodbye, Luna.

The myth:

Celestia: One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one’s heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of Harmony.

The reality:

Still less far in the past.

Celestia is sitting alone in the throne room, which now houses a single throne. A violent storm is raging outside. Suddenly, Nightmare Moon bursts through one of the stained glass windows, her eyes glowing white, six Elements circling her.

Nightmare Moon: Hello, sister.

Celestia: …Luna?

Nightmare Moon: I am not Luna anymore. You, and all of Equestria, will bow before Nightmare Moon, your new queen.

Celestia: The Elements of Harmony are not yours. By what magic do you wield them?

Nightmare Moon: These?

Nightmare Moon glances at the Elements surrounding her, then begins laughing a sinister laugh. Her horn glows as she casts a powerful spell, and the Elements of Harmony appear beside her sister. Nightmare Moon’s Elements never leave her side.

Celestia: I don’t understand…

Nightmare Moon: The Elements of Disharmony are my weapon now.

Celestia: No. Those are just an old pony’s tale!

Nightmare Moon: Not so. During his reign, Discord discovered the Elements of Harmony would never obey a creature of pure chaos such as himself. In his frustration, he created six replicas, the Elements of Disharmony, to accentuate his powers. Upon his defeat, they were scattered throughout Equestria, lost in myth to the tides of time, but I found them. All of them.

Nightmare Moon descends to the ground in front of her sister, narrowing her eyebrows.

Nightmare Moon: My throne beckons.

Celestia: My dear sister, don’t you see what’s happened? The Elements have corrupted you! This is not the Luna I remember.

A sudden burst of lightning right outside the broken window booms throughout the throne room.

Nightmare Moon: DO NOT USE THAT NAME!

Nightmare Moon rises into the air once again.

Nightmare Moon: The Elements have NOT corrupted me. They have opened my eyes. I rebelled against the manner in which you ruled Equestria, but now I see. Destruction, enslavement, chaos… these elements of your being manifested themselves in how you treated your subjects. Power is our privilege, not our responsibility. But you embraced it halfheartedly. I intend to see your ideas through to their natural conclusion.

Celestia: My ideas…

Nightmare Moon: Equestria will know fear-

Nightmare Moon shoots a spell at Celestia, which sends her flying across the room into a wall.

Nightmare Moon: -at the hooves of its queen!

Celestia struggles to her feet, and, without saying a word, shoots her own spell at Nightmare Moon. The two remain locked in combat, galloping, soaring through the air, all the while hurling more and more powerful magic at each other. As their spells collide with Canterlot’s walls, parts of the castle come crumbling down, leaving ruins in their wake. Eventually, one of Nightmare Moon’s spells clips Celestia’s right wing, and she crashes to the ground. Smirking, Nightmare Moon begins charging her final spell.

Nightmare Moon: Goodbye, sister.

Celestia(whispering): I love you, Luna. I’m so sorry I did this to you.

As Celestia speaks, a single tear slides down her face and lands on the Element of Magic. At its touch, an orb of intense light surrounds the alicorn, who is completely rejuvenated by the influx of magic power. Nightmare Moon’s spell, the most powerful she can muster, bounces harmlessly off the shield. Celestia’s voice echoes majestically throughout the hall.

Celestia: I should never have cast you away, sister. You were right all along, yet I refused to listen. A new day will dawn in Equestria, a better day, but you will not be its queen. One day, Luna, I will save you. I swear it. But for now…

The orb of light grows to envelop the entire room.

Celestia: …you have a new home, Nightmare Moon!

Just as quickly as the light appeared, it vanishes. The banishing spell having drained the Element of Magic’s strength, Celestia collapses onto the ground. Before passing out, she sees five of the Elements of Harmony transform into spherical rocks, which roll harmlessly away from her. The Element of Magic disappears completely. When Celestia awakens hours later, she finds herself in the Canterlot hospital, a doctor standing over her.

Celestia: …where am i…

Canterlot Doctor: Your grace?

Celestia: …Where am I?

Canterlot Doctor: My princess, you are disoriented. You speak for all of Equestria; you are far more than one lowly entity.

Celestia: So you want me to ask “where are we?”

Canterlot Doctor: I would never deign tell your grace to do anything.

Celestia smiles a broken smile.

Celestia: Things are gonna change around here. I am not so far above my subjects as to speak for any pony but myself.

The Canterlot Doctor is noticeably taken aback, but does not say anything.

Celestia: I have failed as your princess. But the sun has risen on a glorious new day.

Celestia looks out the window. The hospital is one of the few parts of Canterlot Castle left completely intact.

Celestia: We will rebuild Canterlot. A glorious city this time; not merely a castle… to symbolize a new beginning.

Canterlot Doctor: My princess… if I may be so bold… what happened tonight?

Celestia does not answer for a long time, lost in thought.

Celestia’s Mind: I’m sorry Luna. If they knew the truth, that I was your inspiration, they would turn against me. And the Elements have abandoned me. I can do good in Equestria, but not if my subjects despise me. I lie only to carry out the work you wanted all along. You’ll understand. One day you’ll forgive me.

Celestia: Take heed, good doctor. Princess Luna was corrupted with envy; she refused to lower the moon…

Celestia’s Mind: One day please forgive me.

The myth:

Celestia: Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her younger sister, and banished her permanently in the moon. The elder sister took on responsibility for both sun and moon…

In the present.

Twilight: …and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since.

Twilight is lying in the grass reading. She looks up at the sky in thought.

Twilight: Hmm… Elements of Harmony. I know I’ve heard of those before… but where?

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 1: Mare in the Moon

With book in tow, Twilight walks back toward her library. On the way, however, she is stopped by three random ponies.

Random Pony 1: There you are Twilight!

Twilight’s Mind: Social contact detected! Scanning reference library for appropriate book. Scanning… scanning…

Twilight stands motionless in front of the three ponies.

Random Pony 2: Twilight?

Random Pony 3: Did we break her?

Twilight’s Mind: Scanning… scanning… One result found: “Hell is Other Ponies: A Recluse’s Guide to the Bare Minimum of Social Contact.” Chapter One: “There are many reasons ponies become socially awkward: low self-esteem, poor upbringings, watching cartoons aimed at little girls…” Melodramatic introduction. Accessing appropriate page: “5 easy steps for any social situation. Step one: Do not lock up.”

Twilight begins jumping up and down excitedly.

Twilight’s Mind: “Step two: Make small talk.”

Twilight: Hey girls, lovely weather we’re having today. I was just reading. I love books. What are you up to?

Twilight’s Mind: “Step three: Listen intently to every word your enemy says.”

Random Pony 1: Well… Moon Dancer is having a little get-together in the west castle courtyard. She told us to invite you. I think she wants to talk about Spike.

Twilight’s Mind: “Step four: Compliment your adversary.”

Twilight: That is so thoughtful. I want you to know I poured every ounce of my being into absorbing your words. And I consider you neither my adversary nor my enemy.

Random Pony 3: We broke her.

Random Pony 1: Um… so is that a yes?

Twilight’s Mind: “Step five: Politely exit the altercation.”

Twilight: Ohh… sorry, girls, I’ve got a… lot of studying to catch up on.

Twilight dashes away from the random ponies.

Random Pony 2: Does that pony do anything except study?

Random Pony 1: I think she’s more interested in books than friends.

Twilight (shouting): Books are my friends!

Startled, the three ponies gallop away, unaware Twilight could still hear them.

Twilight (to herself): And my lovers too, but only once a week. I treat myself on Friday nights!

Twilight continues galloping toward the library, and awkwardly talking to herself in the process.

Twilight: I know I’ve heard of the Elements of Harmony.

Multiple ponies wave at Twilight as she runs by, but she ignores them, eventually climbing up a long, spiraling staircase into her tower.  Inside the library, Spike is stupidly walking toward a door holding a present with his arms fully outstretched and his eyes closed. Unsurprisingly, Twilight slams the door into him and knocks him to the ground.

Twilight: Spike? Spiiikee!

Twilight notices Spike lying on his back.

Twilight: Spike?

Spike: Ugh…

Completely oblivious to Spike’s pain, Twilight hurries further into the library. The dragon reluctantly follows.

Twilight: There you are. Quick, find me an old copy of Predictions and Prophecies.

Spike: I was just reading that. There’s a new copy on the counter.

Twilight: No, Spike! I said an OLD copy. Old books smell better!

Spike: Really?

Twilight: Books are like fine wine. They get better with age.

Spike: You’ve never been drunk in your life.

Twilight: No, but one of my pop-up books came with a pair of drunk goggles once. See?

Twilight casts a spell and levitates a pair of drunk goggles onto her face.

Twilight (attempting to slur her words as she assumes drunk ponies do): Spiiikee… there are three of you! Heh heh. Wait, am I drunk or is that a present on your tail?

Twilight removes the goggles.

Twilight: It IS a present. Who’s it for?

Spike: Well, it was a gift for Moon Dancer, but…

A small teddy bear with a hole through its heart falls out of the box. Upon seeing the gift, Twilight turns to the stacks of books behind her.

Twilight: Oh Spike, you know we don’t have time for that sort of thing.

Spike: But she said we’re on a break!

Twilight: Spike, I read a book once: “Dating for the Socially Inept: Giving Your Right Hoof a Chance to Breathe.” Now, I’m left-hooved, so I thought it wouldn’t apply to me, but it had some fascinating advice. It said “There’s no such thing as a break. It’s just your partner’s way of letting you down easy.”

Spike: I could still have a chance! Let’s go to her party! You can even try wine.

Twilight: You know how I handle parties.

In the past.

Twilight is at a party, standing awkwardly next to an uncomfortable looking pony.

Twilight: So… did you know the surface area of a sphere is the derivative of its volume?

The music abruptly stops, and every pony turns to stare at Twilight.

In the present.

Spike: I still don’t know what you were thinking.

Twilight: How was I supposed to know no pony would want a lesson on differential calculus? I thought parties were about having fun!

Spike: Which is exactly why I don’t think you’re the best source of relationship advice.

Twilight: Face it, Spike. You’ve been friend zoned.

Spike: Friend zoned?

Twilight: I read about it in a book! “Coping with the Friend Zone: Erotic Exercises for your Right Hoof.” Once again, surprisingly applicable!

Spike: She might have liked the present…

Twilight: Forget about it, Spike. We’ve got more important things to worry about! Climb that ladder and start looking for the book.

Spike does as he is told, and digs through the stacks of books. Twilight uses magic to summon random books, to no avail.

Twilight: No, no no no! Where is it?!

Spike: EWWW! Twilight, I told you to keep your “special” books on a separate shelf!

Twilight turns to Spike, who is gagging while holding a book as far away from him as possible with the tips of his fingers.

Spike: This one still has saliva on it!

Twilight laughs nervously to herself as she uses magic to summon the book to her.

Twilight (whispering to the book): I’ll see YOU tonight.

Spike: Oh, here it is! And it’s surprisingly dry.

Twilight summons Predictions and Prophecies to her as well. Spike, unprepared for the spell, continues holding onto the book, and falls face-first to the ground. All other books Twilight was levitating fall with him. Twilight casually trots over to a table and begins reading the book.

Twilight: Elements, Elements… ah ha! “The Elements of Harmony: See Mare in the Moon?”

Spike: Mare in the Moon? But that’s just an old Ponies’ tale. Like “The headless horse” or “Dragons who knew the sweet taste of freedom.”

Twilight: Mare… Mare… ah ha! “The Mare in the Moon. Myth from olden pony times. A powerful pony who wanted to rule Equestria. Defeated by the Elements of Harmony and imprisoned in the moon. Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape. And she will bring about nighttime eternal.”

Twilight: Spike? Do you know what this means?!

Spike: No…

Spike falls off the ladder he had just managed to climb back up, dropping all the books he was in the process of re-shelving. He lands on Twilight’s back.

Twilight: Spike, take a note. This revelation must be relayed to the princess right away!

Spike hops off Twilight’s back, and she hands him a quill and scroll.

Twilight: “My dearest teacher, my continuing studies of pony magic have led me to discover that we are on the precipice of disaster. For you see, the mythical Mare in the Moon is in fact Nightmare Moon, and she’s about to return to Equestria, and bring with her eternal night.”

Spike: Hold on… Nightmare Moon? Twilight, she’s a myth! Just a story behind a children’s holiday. She’s no more real than the Easter Pony!

Twilight: You’re not paid to interrupt, Spike.

Spike: I’m not paid at all.

Twilight: And you never will be, with that attitude. Just keep writing. “Something must be done to make sure this terrible prophecy does not come true. I await your quick response. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”

Spike: Got it!

Twilight: Great. Send it.

Spike: Now?

Twilight: Of course.

Spike: I don’t know Twilight. Princess Celestia’s a little busy getting ready for the Summer Sun Celebration. And it’s like, the day after tomorrow. How about we go share your paranoid delusions at Moon Dancer’s party instead? They’d go over better than calculus.

Twilight: No, Spike, next time I’m at a party, I’m talking about trigonometry instead. But this is no time to be thinking of entertainment! Do you even realize what the day after tomorrow is?

Spike: Sunday?

Twilight: No! Well… yes. But it’s also the thousandth day of the Summer Sun Celebration! It’s imperative that the princess is told right away!

Spike: Ok…

Spike breathes fire into the letter, and it floats through the nearby window in a cloud of magic smoke.

Spike: It’s on its way. But I wouldn’t hold your breath…

Twilight: Oh, I’m not worried, Spike. The princess trusts me completely. In all the years she’s been my mentor, she’s never once doubted me.

Suddenly, Twilight and Spike disappear from the library, and appear in the throne room in front of Princess Celestia.

Twilight: Princess!

Twilight bows before Celestia. Spike remains standing.

Celestia: Twilight Sparkle, my most faithful student. You know that I value your diligence, and that I trust you completely.

Smiling, Twilight stands up proudly.

Celestia: But you simply must stop reading those dusty old books.

Twilight: What?!

Spike bursts out laughing.

Celestia: There is more to a young pony’s life than studying. I’ve seen the way you behave around other ponies. I have an essential task for you to complete: make some friends.

Twilight: What?! But… but… I already have friends.

With a wry smile, Celestia cocks an eyebrow.

Celestia: Oh really? Like whom? And don’t say “books.”

Twilight: Um…

Twilight nervously looks around the room.

Twilight: Spike!

Celestia: Twilight, Spike is your slave-

Spike: -indentured servant-

Celestia: -who, to gain his freedom, would kill-

Spike: -maim-

Celestia: -you at the first chance he got-

Spike: -there would be a moment’s hesitation-

Celestia: -without a moment’s hesitation.

Spike: Are you even listening to me?

Celestia: You are certainly close to him, but he is not your friend.

Spike: Well, that we can agree on.

Twilight: Ok… um… oh, I’ve got it!

Twilight casts a spell, and a hideous stuffed animal appears in front of her.

Twilight: Smarty Pants!

Celestia: Twilight. That’s a stuffed animal. At that, a stuffed animal which makes me physically ill.

Twilight: She’s just a very special pony, that’s all.

Celestia: Unexpected exposure to whom has been known to cause permanent blindness.

Twilight: That was one time!

In the past.

Twilight is a young filly, reading a discrete mathematics textbook, with Smarty Pants at her side.

Twilight: Isn’t this exciting, Smarty Pants? I can’t wait to tell everyone about graph theory at Moon Dancer’s birthday party tomorrow!

In the distance, there is a knocking on the front door.

Twilight: Ooh, that must be the new books I ordered!

Levitating Smarty Pants with her, Twilight runs to open the front door. Derpy Hooves, the mail pony, greets her.

Derpy: Hello, Twilight. I’ve got some more books for you today.

Twilight: Yay!

Derpy lowers her head to reach into her bag, but as she does, she makes eye contact with Smarty Pants… and finds herself unable to break eye contact with Smarty Pants.

Twilight: Miss Derpy?

Derpy’s Hooves are glued in place. All she can do is stare into the dark, soulless eyes of Smarty Pants. Her own eyes slowly roll in opposite directions…

In the present.

Twilight: And she’s not even completely blind!

Celestia: Derpy Hooves was the finest mail pony in all of Canterlot. Now she spends her days making small muffin deliveries in Ponyville. Speaking of which…

Twilight (Interrupting): I already apologized for that, not that it was even my fault! She was a few radians short of a unit circle to begin with!

Celestia: Perhaps. But I fear we’ve become side-tracked. The point is, when asked to name your friends, you listed your slave-

Spike: -indentured servant-

Celestia: -and your stuffed animal.

Spike: The hell spawn.

Celestia: There is nothing in this world more important than friendship, Twilight Sparkle. In making you my protégé, I have deprived you of this most important lesson, and I am truly sorry.

Twilight: You have nothing to be sorry for, princess.

Celestia: I do.

Celestia averts her eyes from her student.

Celestia: More than you know. But this, at least, is one wrong I can easily right. I am sending you and Spike to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Festival in this year’s location: Ponyville.

Twilight: What?! Princess, no! The situation is too dire! Didn’t you read my letter?

Celestia(unfazed): While there, you can also work on your primary task. There are good ponies in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle. Put yourself out there. Befriend them.

Twilight: But-

Celestia: No buts. Consider this a mandatory field trip. Your chariot departs in two hours.

Celestia warps Twilight and Spike back to the library, then sits alone in her large, empty throne room.

Celestia: You must never take friendship for granted, Twilight. Before you know it, your friends could be gone…

Celestia begins crying softly to herself.

Celestia: Please… fix my mistake.

Two hours later.

Twilight and Spike are flying to Ponyville by way of horse-drawn air-carriage. As they approach the town, Twilight becomes visibly more and more upset.

Spike: What’s wrong, Twilight?

Twilight: What’s wrong?! Nightmare Moon returns tomorrow, and instead of figuring out how to stop  her, I’m supposed to babysit a bunch of backwards hicks from Ponyville!

Spike: I’m sure they’re good ponies. I mean, as good as ponies can get considering you enslaved my entire species but still… good.

Twilight: And I mean, really… Ponyville? They couldn’t have picked a more uninspired name.

Spike: What would you have named it, then?

Twilight pauses for a long time.

Twilight: Pony… town, I don’t know. Leave me alone.

Twilight lays cross-hooved on the chariot, head facing the ground.

Spike: Look on the bright side, Twilight. The princess arranged for us to stay in a library. Books everywhere! Doesn’t that make you happy?

Twilight: This is no time to be thinking about sex, Spike!

Spike stares at Twilight. Nervous, she attempts to play off her literature fetish as a joke.

Twilight: Because we neutered you at birth anyway!

Spike continues staring at Twilight.

Twilight: Maybe that’s why Moon Dancer broke up with you…

Spike’s face is a blank slate.

Twilight: Because she has more balls than you!

Spike: I would refrain from using humor in any attempts to make friends while here. Or ever.

Twilight: Ugh, don’t remind me about that friend thing. The princess said to check on the preparations. I am her student, and I’ll do my royal duty, but the fate of Equestria does not rest on me making friends.

The chariot sets down in the streets of Ponyville. Twilight and Spike hop off.

Twilight(to the pegasi): Thank you, sirs.

The pegasi fly back toward Canterlot.

Spike: Maybe the ponies here have interesting things to talk about!

As Spike talks, Pinkie Pie walks up and stops in front of the new arrivals to town.

Spike: Come on Twilight, just try. If I don’t help you do what Celestia says, I’ll never be granted my freedom!

Twilight looks at Pinkie Pie.

Twilight: Um… Hello?

Pinkie Pie jumps in the air, gasps loudly, and bolts away as fast as possible.

Twilight: There. My new best friend. Let’s get moving.

Sighing, Spike pulls out a sheet of paper.

Spike: “Summer Sun Celebration Official Overseer’s Checklist: Number One: Banquet Preparations- Sweet Apple Acres.”

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Twilight: Hello?

Applejack: Yee-haw!

Applejack gallops toward an apple tree, kicks it, and all its apples fall into conveniently placed baskets.

Twilight(sighing): Let’s get this over with.

Twilight and Spike walk to Applejack.

Twilight: Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle.

Applejack voraciously shakes Twilight’s hoof.

Applejack: Well howdy-do Miss Twilight. Pleasure makin’ your acquaintance. I’m Applejack.

Twilight: You see, I’ve come from Canterlot to-

Applejack backs away from Twilight suspiciously.

Applejack: Canterlot?

Twilight: Is that a problem?

Applejack: I know you big city types. You work for the government, don’t ya?

Twilight: Well… Princess Celestia sent me here to-

Applejack: Typical. Just like you big government types; stickin’ your noses where they don’t belong.

Twilight: Excuse me?

Applejack: Always gotta punish big business, don’t ya? You here to raise my taxes? Make me hire some immigrant workers?

Twilight: Huh?

Applejack: You here to legalize gay marriage? Then convert me to a priest and force Sweet Apple Acres to hold the first official ceremony, for Lyra and Bon Bon? Then hand me a movie camera and make me film those two sinners consummating their wicked union? Then play that film as part of our school curriculum, warping our young fillies’ fragile minds? Then hand me an Oscar for my masterful cinematography? Well I won’t do it!

Applejack sits down defiantly.

Applejack: I’d sooner secede… again. And I’m an independent. I don’t need your mainstream awards to know I’m good.

Twilight: What are you talking about?! I’m just here to sample the food for the Summer Sun Celebration!

Applejack continues eying Twilight, before finally breaking out in a big smile.

Applejack: Now see, that’s a politician I can get behind! Thinkin’ with her stomach first! I like you Twilight Sparkle. Despite your insidious liberal tendencies.

Applejack runs to a clearing filled with tables and loudly rings a triangular chime.

Applejack: SOUP’S ON, EVERYPONY!

As if from thin air, an entire stampede gallops to the farm, carrying Twilight and Spike to a specially prepared table. Applejack pops up beside them.

Applejack: Now, why don’t I introduce y’all to the Apple family?

As each pony is introduced, he or she places a new piece of food on the table.

Applejack: This here’s Apple Fritter, Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, my Apple MacBook, complete with Final Cut, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Christina Applegate, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, our bootleg DVD of the 2004 cult classic Appleseed- subbed of course, never dubbed, Baked Apples, Apple Friands, Apple Cinnamon Crisp, and…

Applejack takes a deep breath.

Applejack: Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, Granny Smith, and our newly adopted filly, just plain ol’ “Apple.”

Apple (crying): Please, help me! This isn’t my family; they kidnapped me. I want my parents!

Applejack: Now listen here, missy, I don’t care how hoity-toity your dad’s band is. If he named you Apple, he meant for you to live with us! We got a copyright on that name.

Applejack turns to Twilight.

Applejack: Unless the government’s here to take that away from us.

Twilight: Um… As far as I know, there have been no alterations to copyright law.

Apple: What about my mom?! She’s an actress, she’ll pay you!

Applejack’s voice takes on a sinister tone.

Applejack: That’s right, she’ll pay me. But not with money. No, to win your freedom, she’ll take the part in my new script I wrote just for her. It’s about an actress who, to win her daughter Apple’s freedom, takes a role in her kidnapper’s movie, which goes on to become a career defining masterpiece. I call it “Bobbing for Apple.”

Twilight and Spike stare dumbfounded at Applejack.

Applejack: It’s a scathing metaphor for the Hollywood system.

Twilight: Riiighht…

Applejack: It’s a meta thing, I wouldn’t expect y’all to understand.

Twilight: Well… your film certainly sounds… interesting…

Applejack: With star power like that, there’s no way Sundance can reject me!

Twilight: …and your family certainly is… large…

Applejack: Roman Catholic, born and raised.

Twilight: …but, I can see the food situation is handled, so we’ll be on our way.

Apple Bloom: Aren’t you gonna stay for brunch?

Apple Bloom looks up at Twilight with big round, innocent eyes.

Twilight: Sorry, but we have an awful lot to do…

Apple Family (collectively): Awww.

Twilight (sighing): Fine.

Apple Family (collectively): Yay!!

Apple: No! Don’t stay here! Get help!

Applejack: Face it, Twilight, you’re a regular ol’ member of the Apple family now. Apple Sparkle’s got a nice ring to it.

Twilight’s Mind: Two birds with one stone. Mental checklist of tasks: Check food situation- complete. Make friends- complete with flying colors. An entire family of inbred friends. Celestia will be so proud.

Twilight: I’ll stick to Twilight. But thanks.

Later, Twilight and Spike are walking back from Sweet Apple Acres.

Spike: Food’s all taken care of, next is weather.

Twilight: Ughh… I ate too much pie.

Spike: Hmm… there’s supposed to be a Pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds.

Twilight looks up at the sky, which is filled with clouds.

Twilight: Well, she’s not doing a very good job, is she?

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash flies into Twilight at an incredible speed, knocking both ponies into a nearby mud puddle.

Twilight: Ughhh…

Laughing, Rainbow Dash stands up to look at Twilight.

Rainbow: Heh heh... uh, excuse me?

Rainbow flies into the air.

Rainbow: Heh, let me help you.

Rainbow moves a rain cloud over Twilight’s head, then stomps on it repeatedly, causing a localized torrential downpour. When she stops to inspect her handiwork, Rainbow discovers that Twilight is, unsurprisingly, sopping wet.

Rainbow: Oops, I guess I overdid it.

Spike: I like it!

Rainbow: Heh heh… um, how about this?

Without warning, Rainbow flies around Twilight at high velocity, creating a rainbow tornado that circles her.

Rainbow: My very own patented Rainblow Dry!

The tornado having subsided, Rainbow lands in front of Twilight.

Rainbow: No need to thank me. Your adoration is more than enough.

Rainbow finally looks at Twilight’s mane, which is now comically frizzy and unkempt. She attempts to hold in her laughter, but loses it and falls to the ground crying. Spike immediately joins in.

Twilight: Let me guess. You’re Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow leaps back to her feet.

Rainbow: The one and only. Why? You heard of me? You’ve probably heard of me. Everyone’s heard of me. I’ve heard of me.

Rainbow stops to look over Twilight one more time.

Rainbow: I haven’t heard of you, though.

Twilight: My name is Twilight Sparkle. I have come from-

Rainbow (interrupting): Well, Twilight, great to meet you. Sorry to run into you like that. I was just practicing for the Wonder Bolts! Still, it’ll make a pretty awesome story of how we first became friends. Especially once I’m in the Wonder Bolts!

Twilight: Oh, I’m terribly sorry; I fear there’s been a misunderstanding. If you are propositioning my friendship, I must graciously decline.

Rainbow: Huh?

Twilight: While it is true that Princess Celestia tasked me with making friends, I have already fulfilled that particular requirement. Any more would simply be a distraction, and I really must be returning to my studies.

Spike exaggeratedly slaps his hand onto his forehead.

Rainbow: So you’re saying… you don’t want to be my friend?

Twilight: I never meant to mislead you. It was an honest misunderstanding.

Rainbow flies onto a nearby cloud and lies down on it, facing away from Twilight.

Rainbow: Yeah, yeah. Sorry to bother you.

Twilight begins to sense that she has created another awkward social situation.

Twilight (stuttering): I just… wanted to make sure you were clearing the sky for the festival…

Rainbow: I’ll get to it.

Twilight: Shouldn’t you… clear the clouds that are already here?

Rainbow: They’re not a problem.

Twilight shuts her mouth momentarily, thinking about how best to respond.

Twilight’s Mind: Psychological standoff detected! Accessing reference library for appropriate book. Scanning… scanning… One result found: “Armchair Psychology: Everything’s Freudian!” Accessing appropriate page: “Standoffish personalities respond best to reverse psychology. And will respect equally standoffish behavior.”

Twilight: Oh really? And you’re practicing for the Wonder Bolts? The best flyers in Equestria? You really think they’ll accept a pony who can’t even keep the sky clear for one measly day?

Rainbow: Excuse me?! I could clear this sky in ten seconds flat!

Twilight (with a self-satisfied smirk): Prove it.

Twilight’s Mind: Academia wins again!

Rainbow clears the sky in ten seconds flat.

Rainbow (with an even more self-satisfied smirk): See, what’d I say? Ten seconds flat. You wanna badmouth my skills again?

Twilight: No, no, you don’t understand. I just said that to-

Rainbow: I don’t like you, Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight: Wait, no, that’s not… it didn’t work? Stupid Freud!

Twilight’s Mind: Further readings: “If the subject’s antagonism persists, you are most likely dealing with deeper, underlying psychological issues. Analyze your subject’s psyche to discover the root of what’s truly bothering them.”

Twilight (under her breath): Here goes…

Twilight: Rainbow Dash, I’m sorry for the misunderstandings I’ve created. You are clearly quite capable of keeping Ponyville cloud free. And I take back what I said. If you ever want to vent your frustrations regarding your latent homosexual desires, I’m here for you. I’m your friend.

Seething, Rainbow Dash finds herself temporarily unable to respond.

Twilight: I read a book once: “Questioning Your Sexuality: When the Locker Room is the Best Part of Your Day.” While I ultimately discovered my own inclinations toward literature are not scientifically recognized, I feel qualified to help you with your questions.

Rainbow: I’m not a lesbian! Everyone just assumes that without asking! It was just one night of experimentation with Lyra and Bon Bon, that’s it!

Spike: Lyra and Bon Bon really get around.

Rainbow: I take it back. I don’t not like you, Twilight. I hate you.

Rainbow quickly flies away from Twilight and Spike.

Twilight: Well, that could have gone better…

Spike: Celestia said to make friends, Twilight. Not enemeies!

Twilight: Why does this always happen to me…? At least the Apple family liked me…

As Twilight begins walking away, her frizzy mane bounces up and down comically. Spike, unable to help himself, falls down laughing once again. Groaning, Twilight begins walking toward the town square pavilion where the Summer Sun Celebration will take place.

Spike: Wait, it’s kinda pretty once you get used to it!

Inside the pavilion.

Spike (writing on his checklist): Decorations. Apparently they’re being handled by Rarity, the finest pony in all of Ponyville.

Spike looks up at the extravagant decorations lining the hall.

Spike: Beautiful.

Twilight: Yes, the décor is coming along nicely. And Rarity certainly lives up to her reputation.

Twilight motions toward the front of the room, where Rarity is still trying out different decorations.

Spike: Ehhh. Not my type.

Rarity (looking at different bows): No… no… oh, goodness no!

Twilight: Good afternoon.

Rarity (glancing behind her): Just a moment, please. I’m in the zone, as it were.

Rarity finally settles on a large, sparkling red bow.

Rarity: Oh, yes. Sparkle always does the trick, does it not? Why Rarity, you are a talent.

Rarity turns to face Twilight and Spike.

Rarity: Now, how can I help you-

Rarity lets out a loud scream when her eyes land on the duo.

Rarity: Oh my stars, darling!

Rarity pulls Twilight into a side room, leaving Spike standing alone by himself.

Rarity: You must tell me who your simply gorgeous friend is!

Twilight: Well, Ayn Rand isn’t my friend per se, but Atlas Shrugged certainly is a fine-

Twilight stops herself midsentence.

Twilight: Wait… I’m not carrying my book bag! Do… do you mean Spike?

Rarity’s voice takes on an adoring tone.

Rarity: Spike. Yes, such a virile name for such a ruggedly handsome dragon.

Twilight: Really?

Rarity: Tell me, does he… date ponies?

Twilight: He’s been known to, but-

Rarity: Oh, most excellent! He no doubt has a great many suitors, but no matter. I shall simply have to outshine them all! A three-pronged romantic assault will be the best tactic. Hats! Accessories! Seduction!

Twilight: You know, I’ve read a number of books on bestiality, including “A Horse and His Boy,” but I just don’t get it. Why do ponies keep dating Spike?!

Rarity (continuing as though Twilight never even spoke): Oh, but I’ll have to sneak out the back door. I’ve been working far too long; I cannot allow him to see me like this. My mane must be-

Rarity finally notices Twilight’s mane.

Rarity: Oh good heavens, darling! Whatever was I thinking? How can I think of my mane? Just look at YOUR mane!

Rarity begins pushing Twilight out of the room.

Twilight: Wait, where are we going?

Rarity: I’ll hear no arguments. We’ll have your hair fixed up in no time.

Rarity stops dead in her tracks.

Rarity: But not fixed too well. Mustn’t have Spike getting any ideas about you… nor you him. He’s MINE!

At the Carousel Boutique.

Rarity forces Twilight to try out a variety of hair styles and get-ups, eventually she settles on an emerald-encrusted saddle combined with Twilight’s traditional hair style.

Rarity: Now go on my dear. You were telling me where you’re from.

Twilight: My name is Twilight Sparkle. I’ve been sent from Canterlot to-

Rarity: CANTERLOT?!

Twilight: Why does no one let me finish that sentence?

Rarity: Oh, I am so envious! The glamour! The sophistication! I’ve always dreamed of living there… and conquering it!

Twilight: Huh?

Rarity floats blueprint paper over to Twilight.

Rarity: You simply must diagram the city’s internal defenses for me! Are you good with blueprints? What am I saying, of course you are! You’re quite well-learned. Use as much as you need, I’ve got plenty more. Tell me, how many soldiers would respond to a direct frontal assault? 5,000? 10,000?

Twilight: Um…

Rarity: Surely not 15,000?! The populous numbers only 23,002; those figures are downright astronomical!

Rarity pauses to catch her breath.

Rarity: Pardon me, in my excitement, I forgot two fillies were born this morning. Canterlot’s population is 23,004; that’s entirely my mistake.

Twilight: There’s no way you know that.

Rarity: I have eyes everywhere, my dear Twilight Sparkle. Now, how well-equipped would you say Canterlot’s army is? How well-trained?

Twilight: Why are you so interested in all this?!

Rarity: My whole life, I’ve known I was meant to live in Canterlot. Ponies there have class; style. All of Equestria would benefit from its example, but Celestia rests on her laurels, refusing to extend her grasp. We deserve better. Slowly but surely, my army grows, until it will finally be ready to storm Canterlot! The city will be mine and I shall GIVE us better.

Rarity stands up particularly straight.

Rarity: Under my leadership, Equestria shall know sophistication. There will be grace through conformity; poise through subservience! The greatest fashion empire the world has ever known, with me as its queen!

Twilight: Empress.

Rarity (laughing maniacally to herself): I. Am. Empire!

Rarity calms herself a bit.

Rarity: Would you care to enlist? You’ll be serving in General Applejack’s division.

Twilight: Well, you see… I’ve been sent by Princess Celestia herself to oversee preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration.

Rarity (nervously): I see… a government agent. Well, everything I just said… it was just… a joke. Yes, that’s it, a joke! Just testing your sense of humor. Ha ha. Get it?

Twilight: Honestly, I’m not sure we shouldn’t relocate the celebration, for the princess’s safety.

Rarity (with darkness in her voice): Oh, I would never assassinate the princess here in Ponyville; the political fallout from any such action would prevent me from ever seizing the throne myself… Is what I would say if I ever thought such dreadful thoughts, of course.  Just keeping the joke going! It’s our running gag! Tell me, does your dragon share your ghastly political affiliations?

Twilight: Well, he’s just my slave-

Spike bursts through the door. Rarity goes weak at the knees.

Spike: Indentured servant! Also, there you are!

Twilight (continuing): -so I doubt it.

Rarity: Very good, very good. We are going to be the best of friends, you and I. I’m sure of it.

Rarity’s Mind: And once I’ve earned your trust, you’ll spill all of Celestia’s secrets to me, my dear Twilight!

Rarity pats Twilight on the back, which causes her to finally take notice of the saddle she placed on her guest.

Rarity: Oh, emerald? Whatever was I thinking? Stay here, I’ll get you some rubies!

Rarity trots away from the duo.

Twilight: Quick, let’s get out of here!

Twilight drags Spike out of the boutique.

Outside.

Twilight and Spike are walking through Ponyville.

Twilight: Can you believe Rarity wants to overthrow Princess Celestia?

Spike: Heh. That’d be the day.

Twilight: And something tells me she wasn’t lying about the army thing, and was instead lying about kidding about the army thing!

Spike: Well said.

Twilight: I can’t be sure, though. I’ll need to read up on social cues once we get back to the library.

Spike: Well, that shouldn’t take too long. There’s only one thing left on the list.

Twilight: Finally.

Spike: Let’s see… “Music.” And it’s being overseen by…

Spike’s voice cuts short.

Twilight: Yes?

Spike (spitting out the name): Fluttershy.

Twilight: THE Fluttershy?

Spike (acidic): Evidently.

Twilight: I had no idea such a national hero lived in Ponyville. This should be interesting!

Spike: Right. Interesting.

As they continue walking, Twilight and Spike hear the faint sound of birds chirping a beautiful melody in the distance. Following the sound, they discover an array of multicolored birds sprawled across the branches of a tree, with Fluttershy hovering in front of them. As the song continues, a blue jay falls noticeably off tempo.

Fluttershy: Oh my, um… stop please everyone, um…

Fluttershy flies directly in front of the blue jay.

Fluttershy: Excuse me, sir, I mean, no offense, but your rhythm is just a teeny tiny bit off.

Fluttershy jabs a syringe into the blue jay’s neck.

Fluttershy: This adrenaline should help you stay on tempo… I’m sorry; I hope it didn’t hurt too much.

Fluttershy returns to her spot in front of the entire Aves orchestra.

Fluttershy: Now, follow me please. A-one, a-two, a-one two three-

Twilight (shouting): Hello!

Fluttershy shouts in surprise as all the birds fly away.

Twilight: Oh my. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to frighten your birds. I’m just here to check up on the music, and it’s sounding beautiful.

Fluttershy looks at the ground, kicking the dirt nervously.

Twilight (awkwardly): I’m Twilight Sparkle. I’ve been sent from Canterlot to-

Twilight cuts her sentence short. There is an extended silence between the two ponies.

Twilight: Huh. Really expected you to chime in on that one. Every pony in Ponyville seems to have some strong opinion they want to voice!

Fluttershy mutters a response so softly as to be completely inaudible to Twilight.

Twilight: Um… I’m a great admirer of your work! Your breakthrough truly changed the lives of every pony in Equestria.

Letting out a frightened squeal, Fluttershy backs away from Twilight. The birds begin returning to their tree.

Twilight: Well, um… it looks like your birds are back. So I guess everything’s in order. Keep up the good work!

Fluttershy squeals again. Twilight walks away from her, toward Spike, who appears from behind a bush.

Twilight: Well, that was easy!

Spike: And I didn’t even have to look at her.

Fluttershy sees Spike.

Fluttershy: A BABY DRAGON!!!

Fluttershy runs toward Spike, knocking Twilight out of the way.

Spike: Oh no.

Fluttershy: I haven’t seen a baby dragon in years! Oh, when did they administer the anti-aging hormone? You’re so cute.

Spike: On my first birthday.

Fluttershy squeals with happiness.

Fluttershy: That’s just the perfect age! You’ll stay adorable forever!

Fluttershy nuzzles up to Spike lovingly. Spike pushes her away.

Spike: Since I’m already stuck talking to you, I may as well ask. You’re supposed to love animals; why would you develop a hormone so unimaginably cruel?

Twilight: Spike! Don’t be rude!

Fluttershy: Oh no, you misunderstand. I DO love animals. More than anything. Especially baby dragons. But eventually, they grow up into big, scary, fire-breathing adult dragons! I developed the growth inhibitor to retain your cuteness for all of Equestria to admire.

Fluttershy smiles warmly.

Spike: And in so doing, you put the final nail in the coffin of my species’ freedom!

Twilight: Oh, Spike, that coffin was already long since underground, no matter how many metaphors you throw at it.

Fluttershy flies into the air.

Fluttershy: That’s always been the intent of my work. Animals are already so soft and wonderful; genetic engineering simply lets me make them even more adorable. I can show you… if you wouldn’t mind…

Twilight: Not at all.

Fluttershy: Oh, how exciting! Come here, Angel!

A rabbit with quills along its spine comes hopping out of the nearby bush. Fluttershy picks him up and hugs him tenderly.

Fluttershy: Isn’t he just the sweetest thing? Angel is the world’s first rabborcupine! He has twice the cuteness!

Spike (sardonically): Huh. Porcubit would have been a better term.

Fluttershy: Oh no, that name was already taken by the porcupine/rabbit fusion.

Twilight: What’s the difference?

Fluttershy: The first word is the dominant one. Angelus, you have visitors!

A porcupine holding a carrot hops out of the nearby bushes.

Fluttershy (reverently): He’s harder to hug, but no harder to love.

Twilight hovers Spike back onto her back.

Twilight: Well, Fluttershy, it’s been an honor meeting you, but we’ve got a lot of studying to do, so we’d better be going.

Twilight begins walking away, but Fluttershy follows.

Fluttershy: Wait, wait, Spike, I’d… I’d love to hear you talk some more, if you wouldn’t mind. Your voice is so soothing.

Spike (with no enthusiasm): What do you want to know?

Fluttershy (with nothing but enthusiasm): Absolutely everything.

Spike (smirking): Ok.

Spike takes a deep breath.

Spike: Well, I started out as a cute little purple and green egg. Twilight hatched me, and my servitude was granted to her by right, as per Equestrian law. Celestia herself performed the bondage spell that irrevocably linked me to Twilight, and will release enough toxins into my bloodstream to kill an ursa major if I ever betray her. At two months old, Twilight’s cutie mark was branded onto my right foot, so my owner could be identified if I ever got lost. At six months old, I was neutered, without anesthetic, so as to keep the dragon population under strict control. At one year old, as you know, I was strapped to a table and injected with your very own growth inhibitor, locking me forever into childhood. What you may not know is the needle was longer and thicker than two unicorns’ horns combined. Just an interesting tidbit. I’ve spent every single day picking up books and tending to Twilight’s library. If I perform my job dutifully and tirelessly, one day Celestia’s spell will be revoked, and I’ll be granted my freedom. But I would never dream of killing Twilight, or any other pony, not even if premature freedom was on the line. You see, dragons have dignity and honor, unlike most members of your species. Oh, and my girlfriend just broke up with me, I’m stuck in Ponyville, and I’m having an extended conversation with you, the most reviled pony in dragon history. Yes, even more so than Dragon Slayer, the stallion who fought in the Dragon Imprisonment War, whose cutie mark was literally a freshly beheaded dragon, with blood spurting out the base of his neck, and his head impaled on the end of a sword, as a message to all future generations, and not to mention his armor was forged entirely from the scales of each and every dragon he slew. Even more than him. And that’s the story of my whole entire life. Did it meet your expectations?

Fluttershy: Oh yes, you have such a wonderful gift for storytelling. If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, could you read story books to the animals at the cottage sometime? They would appreciate it ever so much.

Twilight stops in front of the hollowed out tree that will serve as her home.

Twilight: I am so sorry, how did we get here so fast? This is where I’m staying while in Ponyville, and my poor baby dragon is tired from all that rampant, soul-crushing negativity and needs his sleep.

Spike: No I don’t.

Twilight kicks her hind leg, sending Spike flying off her back.

Twilight: Awww, wook at that. He’s so sweepy he can’t even keep his wittle bawance.

Spike: This is an abuse of power and you know it.

Fluttershy immediately flies over and picks Spike up, cuddling him.

Fluttershy: Poor thing. You simply must get into bed.

Fluttershy opens the front door and flies inside. Twilight follows and gently, but firmly, pushes her back out the door.

Twilight: Yes, yes, we’ll get right on that. Well, goodnight.

Twilight quickly closes the door.

Spike: Was that really necessary?

Twilight: Sorry, Spike. But I have to convince the princess that Nightmare Moon is coming, and we’re running out of time.

Spike: Funny you haven’t even brought that up until now.

Twilight: I didn’t expect the checklist to take all day! But it doesn’t matter. I just need to be alone so I can study without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time! Now where’s the light?

Seemingly by itself, the light flicks on, and Twilight discovers the entire library is chock full of ponies.

All ponies: SURPRISE!!!

Pinkie Pie jumps in front of Twilight.

Pinkie: Surprise!

Twilight locks up.

Twilight’s Mind: Surprise party detected! Accessing reference library for appropriate book. Scanning… scanning… no relevant literature found.

Twilight: Well of course not! Why would I waste my time reading frivolous books about parties?!

Pinkie: That’s right. This is a party! But we weren’t talking about books, silly. Do you want to talk about books? I love books! Big books, little books, long books, short books! But we should introduce ourselves first. I’m Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised, were you, huh, huh, huh?

Twilight: Spike, find me a pencil and paper!

Spike: But-

Twilight: Just do it!

Spike walks away to find Twilight’s requested supplies.

Pinkie (gasping): You’re so surprised you want to make me a thank you card right now? Oh, that’s just the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me! Except for the time I dropped my hat, and Cheerilee picked it up for me! Oh, or the time Gummy got loose, and every pony-

Spike returns, and hands Twilight the pencil and paper. With a smile twitching across her face, she hastily draws a circle on the paper, and holds it up to Pinkie Pie.

Twilight: Pinkie, look at this! It’s a unit circle. It has many fascinating applications, which I’ll describe in detail. Won’t that be fun?

Pinkie: And then there was the time I needed help with an extra special batch of cupcakes, and Rainbow Dash-

Pinkie Pie notices Twilight’s drawing.

Pinkie: Well duh. I already know all about that.

Twilight (meekly): You do?

Pinkie: Of course! But that’s not a circle, silly. Look, it’s even got straight lines-

Twilight: It was a really rushed drawing…

Pinkie: So it’s closer to a unit polygon, and Pythagoras wouldn’t like that one bit! Here.

Pinkie takes the paper and pencil, and effortlessly draws a perfect circle.

Twilight: How did you do that?

Pinkie: I’m actually really smart, but every pony says I exist on my own plane of reality, and they can’t always understand me. Whatever that means. I’d like to have my own plane, though! I’d fly it around and see all of Equestria. And everyone would be invited, first class! Oh, they say I’m the nerdiest pony, at least, but if enjoying the occasional Star Trek convention makes me a nerd, I don’t want to be a… not nerd. What’s the opposite of nerd? Dren? Or wait, that would be the inverse. But… would the inverse require you to mirror the letters as well? How would you even say that?

Twilight: OK, while you try to figure that out, I’ll just-

Pinkie: The point is, the one thing every pony can agree on is that I still know how to par-tay! And that’s what we’re doing right now! In your library! Do you like it? Do you, do you?

Twilight: Well, libraries are supposed to be quiet…

Pinkie: Well that’s silly! What kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet? Borrriiing!

Twilight begins walking away from Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie follows.

Pinkie: You see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were all “Hello” and I was all-

Pinkie Pie gasps loudly.

Pinkie: -remember? You see, I never saw you before, and if I never saw you before, that means you’re new. ‘Cause I know every pony, and I mean every pony in Ponyville. Literally. I take a monthly census, just for fun! Speaking of which, I’ll have to get you a form! But but but, if you’re new, it meant you hadn’t met anyone yet, and if you hadn’t met anyone yet, you must not have any friends.

Having arrived at the table where drinks are being held, Twilight solemnly pours herself a drink from the first bottle she sees.

Pinkie: And if you don’t have any friends, then you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, and I had an idea! And that’s why I went-

Pinkie Pie gasps again, then coughs violently.

Pinkie: That gasp is really hard to do! But that just shows how dedicated I was to my idea, that I should throw a great big, ginormous super-duper spectacular welcome party and invite everyone in Ponyville!

The remaining members of the mane six run up beside Pinkie Pie. Twilight places a straw in her drink and begins drinking.

Pinkie: See?

Rainbow: I’m just here for the food.

Pinkie: And now you have lots and lots of friends!

Twilight’s face turns beet red as she finally tastes her drink.

Applejack: Are you all right, sugarcube?

Her mouth on fire, Twilight jumps into the air and runs upstairs.

Pinkie: Aw, she’s so happy she’s crying.

Spike grabs the bottle Twilight poured from.

Spike: Everclear.

Pinkie takes the bottle and douses a nearby cupcake in Everclear, which she then proceeds to eat in one bite. Every pony stares at her apprehensively.

Pinkie: What? It’s good.

In Twilight’s room.

Twilight has her head buried under her pillow, but nothing can drown out the music coming from downstairs. Irritated, she looks at the clock, but as she does, Spike stumbles into the room with a lampshade over his head.

Spike: Those stairs were im-

Spike cracks up as he tries to finish the word.

Spike (chuckling): impossible! I’ve climbed mountains that were easier than that! Entire mountains! I’m being so… truthful right now, Twilight Sparkle, you have no idea. So truthful.

Twilight: Can I help you, Spike?

Spike (speaking very slowly): Wait… how did I get here?

Twilight: You climbed the mountain, remember?

Spike: No, no, I mean here like this… moment in time. Talking to you.

Twilight: Go back downstairs, Spike.

Spike: Oh, that reminds me! Pinkie Pie’s starting pin the tail on the pony… and Derpy’s the pony! You wanna play?

Twilight: No! All the ponies in this town are crazy! Do you know what time it is?!

Spike: Uh-oh. Pop quiz. Um… time to take another shot? Heh, that’s any time! No, no wait! It’s the eve of the… eve of the Summer Sun Celebration. Every pony has to stay up, or they’ll miss the princess raise the sun… and stuff.

Spike bursts out laughing.

Spike (between tears): So it’s a trick question! It doesn’t matter WHAT time it is! You thought you had me. You think you’re reallll tricky! Real tricky.

Twilight simply sighs in exasperation.

Spike: You really should lighten up, Twilight. It’s a party! I’m gonna go brave the mountain again. If you can find a harness, you should… descend as well.

Spike walks out the door, which Twilight uses magic to slam behind him.

Spike: Heh heh… harness.

Twilight hears Spike trip on the first step, and fall headfirst down the entire flight.

Spike: ROCKSLIDE!!!

Twilight: Ugh. Here I thought I’d have more time to learn about the Elements of Harmony, but, silly me, all this ridiculous friend making has kept me from it!

Twilight turns over on her side and looks out the window. The radiance from the moon shines through particularly brightly on this particular night.

Twilight: “Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about everlasting night.” I hope the princess was right… I hope it really is just an old pony tale…

Spike bursts through the door again.

Spike: That mountain somehow got BIGGER! Now come on, it’s time to watch the sun rise!

At the pavilion.

Twilight looks around at the denizens of Ponyville, most of whom are reeling from varying states of inebriation.

Twilight: This is just shameful.

Spike: YOU’RE shameful!

Pinkie Pie runs up to Twilight.

Pinkie: Isn’t this exciting?! Are you excited? ‘Cause I’m excited-

Summoning all her energy, Twilight casts a sobriety spell which blankets the entire room. Every pony in the pavilion instantly sobers up. Also, Spike.

Pinkie (continuing as though nothing happened): -I’ve never been so excited. Well, except for the time I saw you walking into this town and I went-

Pinkie Pie gasps loudly once again.

Pinkie: -but  I mean, really, who can top that?

Twilight: Huh. I guess you’re just like that normally…

Spike: Buzzkill.

Twilight: Save it, Spike. Would you really have wanted Celestia to see the state you were in?

Spike: Personally, I wouldn’t have cared. What made you want to learn a spell like that, anyway?

Twilight: I figured if I ever found myself with too much to drink, I could just sober myself up and safely return home.

Spike: Which would require you to actually leave the library. And you don’t know how alcohol would affect your magic.

Twilight: Hmm… valid point. That would make a great research project! “A Study of the Effects of Alcohol on Magical Casting. By Twilight Sparkle.” I could get published! I’m never touching whatever was in that bottle again, though!

Spike: No, we’d start you with girly drinks. Although Fluttershy drank all the Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Fluttershy: Oh, I’m sorry; it was just... so delicious. Like drinking candy!

Pinkie: Drinking candy?! I love candy! You should try my Skittles milkshake!

Suddenly, a drum roll can be heard throughout the pavilion.

Fluttershy: Oh, that’s my cue!

Fluttershy flies up to a balcony where her birds are resting on a wooden perch. She directs them in a song which crescendos into a climax as the mayor of Ponyville walks onto the stage.

Mayor: Fillies and gentlecolts.

Spike: And dragons!

Mayor: And lesser beings. As mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to-

Pinkie: But you know what you CAN’T drink? Snickers! Have you ever tried to drink a peanut?! Nothing goes down more painfully. Well, except fruit cake, but I mean REALLY, who even likes fruit cake?! It just destroys your blender! Oh, the mayor’s talking, everyone be quiet!

Mayor: …as I was saying, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration.

Every pony cheers. Twilight, with a worried look in her eyes, remains quiet.

Mayor: In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year. Although, honestly, the sunrise is a daily occurrence, and today is just a few minutes longer, at best, than the next longest day, making this whole celebration somewhat superfluous. And who in Equestria decided we had to stay up all night, rather than just setting an early alarm?! Do you know how much caffeine I had to drink for this? Enough to kill a small dragon!

Every pony laughs uproariously. Twilight, with Spike on her back, muffles a chuckle.

Mayor (laughing despite herself): Yes, while the metaphor is quite amusing, I assure you, my diabetes finds it less so. I’m getting too old for this job. Nonetheless, I am required to state that now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land-

Twilight looks up at the sky. As the mayor speaks, the Mare in the Moon disappears completely.

Twilight (under her breath): Oh no.

Mayor: -the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day. The good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria… Princess Celestia!

Rarity pulls a rope, raising the curtains around another balcony as Fluttershy’s birds sing another song. However, the balcony is empty. A concerned murmur erupts throughout the crowd.

Twilight: This can’t be good.

Mayor: Remain calm, every pony. There must be a reasonable explanation. Perhaps Celestia just wants us to be in bed. Where we belong.

Pinkie: Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?

Rarity: She’s gone! And I had nothing to do with it!

Pinkie: Ooh, she’s good!

Pinkie lets out a scream as she sees a cloud of purple smoke forming on Celestia’s balcony. The entire crowd panics as Nightmare Moon appears from the smoke.

Twilight (under her breath): Nightmare Moon…

Nightmare Moon: Oh my beloved subjects. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your precious little sun-loving faces. That is what the myth says, is it not? That I’m envious of the sun? Celestia worked so hard on that story; it’s only fair I live up to it.

Rainbow: What did you do with our princess?!

Rainbow Dash flies toward Nightmare Moon, but Applejack catches her by the tail, holding her back.

Nightmare Moon: Why? Am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?

Pinkie: Ooh, more guessing games!

Twilight: Not now, Pinkie!

Nightmare Moon: Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?! Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?

Twilight: I did! And I know who you are. You’re the Mare in the Moon: Nightmare Moon.

Spike: It sounds so awkward when you say it like that.

Nightmare Moon: Well, well, well, some pony who remembers me. Then you also know why I’m here.

Twilight: You’re here to… to-

Twilight cannot bring herself to finish her sentence. Nightmare Moon laughs maniacally.

Nightmare Moon: I am here to fulfill that of which the legends speak. Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!

Lightning crackles as Nightmare Moon laughs louder than ever before.

Nightmare Moon: Now, your queen has a great deal of catching up to do with your former princess.

Nightmare Moon narrows her eyebrows.

Nightmare Moon: So much to catch up on indeed.

To be continued…

Episode 2: Elements of Harmony

In the past.

Celestia is sitting on her throne in the newly rebuilt Canterlot, a regal city surrounding a resplendent castle. A royal guard enters the throne room.

Royal Guard: Your highness, a zebra waits outside.

Celestia: A zebra?

Royal Guard: He wishes to speak to you right away.

Celestia: Very well. Send him in.

With a bow, the royal guard exits the throne room, and a zebra, draped in a mysterious cloak, enters.

Celestia: It is not often we see visitors from your lands. I am Princess Celestia. It is my great honor to welcome you to Canterlot.

The zebra lowers his hood.

Zebra: Such enthusiasm will fade, my dear princess, for what I tell you will bring much distress.

Celestia: Excuse me? What are you playing at? Who are you?

Zebra: Zahasrala is my name; the words I speak are part of no game.

Celestia: Do be aware I don't take kindly to threats. So explain yourself quickly before I have your striped, impossible to pronounce flank thrown out of the city.

Zahasrala: There is but one throne where once there were two; it would be foolish to threaten you. But princess of both sun and moon, your ascent transpired much too soon.

Celestia: What are you talking about?

Zahasrala: It was ordained in ancient times, that zebras must always speak in rhymes. But in those same scrolls of prophecy, came tales of Equestrian royalty. Two sisters, one of light, the other dark, on a quest of leadership would embark. Yet strife would erupt between the two, growing well beyond the point of a simple feud.

Celestia (defensive): Kind of a strained rhyme there, don't you think?

Zahasrala: The ideals of her sister the younger would adopt, to begin a reign of terror incapable of being stopped.

Celestia: That's not true! You... you know the story. All of Equestria does...

Zahasrala: What Equestria knows is a well-intentioned lie; Nightmare Moon still resides in the nighttime sky.

Celestia: Which is part of the story!

Zahasrala: Your leadership was far worse than the prophecies foretold, Luna got fed up much too quickly; your antics grew old.

Celestia (looking at the floor): I don't even care how you know all this. Don't you think it's bad enough having to live with the guilt? I've done everything in my power to be the ruler Luna wanted. I've changed! You can't deny that. Unless you're expecting me to free the dragons or something, in which case you may as well turn around; I will forever stand behind the entire war!

Zahasrala: The dragons are none of my concern; princess, there is still much for you to learn.

Celestia: About your timetable, right? About how I screwed things up too quickly? You'll forgive me, Zahas... whatever, for not adhering to prophecies I've never even heard. So why don't you just cut to the chase. Is this blackmail? What are you after, exactly?

Under his breath, Zahasrala mutters an incantation, and an intense green light shoots out from the throne room, covering all of Equestria, before gradually fading away.

Celestia: What was that? What did you do?

Zahasrala: Nightmare Moon you could not slay, nor could any pony alive today. But in many hundreds of years, will be born a unicorn, wielding untold magic in her humble horn. When Nightmare Moon made her first attack, this unicorn was to gather the Elements of Harmony and strike back. Yet here we stand, with the unicorn yet unborn, because of your corruption, we were not forewarned. She was, and is, to be your student, my dear princess; to be trained for the battle with the villain she exists to best.

Celestia: But... the Elements-

Zahasrala: The Elements may have abandoned you, but when the times comes they will reappear, for true. But if, and only if, the unicorn is taken under your care, taught to control the magic only she can bear.

Celestia: But why me? There are more qualified teachers out there!

Zahasrala: I do not write the prophecy; I merely relate what the ancients did see. But you must train her to make up, in part, for the sins and the guilt that weigh heavy upon your heart. Nightmare Moon will reign eternal unless to the unicorn you are a figure most maternal.

Celestia: Seriously, you can drop the rhyme scheme. I know it must be annoying.

Zahasrala: I cannot. It is the zebra's lot.

Celestia: OK... just tell me this: how am I supposed to know who this unicorn even is? I can hardly keep tabs on all of Equestria!

Zahasrala: A valid query, one I would ask too, but have no fear, the fabled one will come to you. Her birth will pass quietly, nothing at all out of the ordinary. But to save Equestria from certain doom, look for the pony whose powers awaken at the sonic rainboom.

Zahasrala pulls his hood back over his face and begins walking out of the throne room. Celestia, lost in thought, quickly comes to a realization.

Celestia: Wait! You never answered me! What was that green light?!

Zahasrala: Changing the story for your subjects was a decision most wise; armed with the truth, against you they would most certainly rise. The zebras cannot allow events to unfold in that way; you still have an important part to play. My magic affected the memory of each and every single pony. To them, a legend Nightmare Moon will truly be, a figure of ancient history. The story you created is the one they believe; yet your part in the tale they cannot begin to conceive. The princesses of yore are both long dead; your resemblance to one not reality, but coincidence instead. The recency of events they have forgotten completely; as such, they will never question your royalty, nor to Equestria, your loyalty.

Celestia is visibly taken aback.

Celestia: Th-thank you, Zahas... esteemed guest. I had no idea zebras wielded such power.

Zahasrala: My strength is nothing next to what the fabled one will bring.

A cloud of green smoke suddenly envelops Zahasrala, and he disappears from the throne room. His voice, however, still rings in Celestia's ears.

Zahasrala: Do not presume so quickly to thank me, for you are not getting off completely scot-free. From the beginning, your reign was founded on lies, now, Celestia, you truly will control the skies; the sun and the moon for you alone will rise. Day and night are your responsibility; your debts repaid with natural servility.

Celestia (shouting at no one): That’s just part of the legend; it’s impossible! You can’t change the laws of physics just like that!

Zahasrala: Your subjects believe it, which makes it so; hone your magic, your highness, in time your skill will grow. For now, I anticipate tonight’s sunset, and the magnificent splendor your magic will no doubt beget.

Celestia: No, I didn’t ask for this! Reverse the spell!

There is no response from Zahasrala.

Celestia: Come back here!

There continues to be no response from Zahasrala. Sighing, Celestia curls up on the floor in front of her throne.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 2: Elements of Harmony

In the present.

In the pavilion.

Mayor: Seize her! Only she knows where the princess is!

Nightmare Moon: In place of a princess you now have a dark queen!

Pinkie: Ooh, paraphrasing! I love paraphrasing! My turn! Let’s see… “Luke, I am your father.” Do you get it? See, I took a common misconception, played it straight, and-

As Pinkie Pie rambles, three Canterlot Pegasus knights fly toward Nightmare Moon.

Nightmare Moon: Stand back you foals!

Spike: Really, “foals?” What is it with you ponies and your puns?

Nightmare Moon casts lightning at the knights, sending them rocketing across the room. Laughing maniacally, she transforms into a shroud of purple smoke and flies out the doors of the pavilion. Rainbow Dash finally frees herself from Applejack’s grip and chases after the smoke.

Rainbow: Come back here!

Nightmare Moon, however, moves much too fast, and Rainbow Dash can only hover in the air above Ponyville watching her fly away.

Rainbow: Nighttime… forever?

As Rainbow Dash ponders the ramifications of a world without sunlight, she sees Twilight, with Spike in tow, galloping out of the pavilion.

Rainbow: Where’s she going?

At the library.

Spike: I mean, don’t get me wrong. I get the wordplay. It’s not particularly subtle. But the actual definition of “foal” makes no sense in that context. It’s not even clever!

Twilight, obviously not listening, rapidly summons books from their shelves and casts them away just as quickly.

Twilight: Elements, elements, elements… Ugh! How can I stop Nightmare Moon without the Elements of Harmony?

Rainbow Dash flies into the room, with the other four members of the mane six trotting behind her.

Rainbow: And just what are the Elements of Harmony?! And how did YOU know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you a spy?!

Fluttershy: Oh my goodness… a s-s-spy?

Rainbow: Just give me ten minutes alone with her. After a taste of my patented rainboarding, she’ll spill all her secrets!

Applejack: Now Rainbow Dash, I approve of your methods, but y’all gotta remember, we got a liberal in office. At least I think she’s still in office. The point is, so long as that’s true, there’s certain “civil liberties” we have to uphold. Democratic red tape. Won’t be any such thing once Rarity’s in charge, ain’t that right, Rarity?

Rarity: Um… torture will be not only permitted in my empire, but mandated of all prisoners. So long as no blood gets on any pony’s fabulous ensembles.

Rainbow: Done and done.

Fluttershy: Torture is only justified when it yields scientific gain.

Twilight: Girls! We don’t have time for this!

Applejack: Oh, we got nothin’ but time. In the literal sense, there ain’t even gonna be a tomorrow, least as I understand it.

Spike jumps up on a table.

Spike: All right, now every pony take a deep breath. Tensions are obviously high; we’re all still a little miffed by Nightmare Moon’s terrible “foals” pun, I get that. But think about it. I’m a perpetually prepubescent dragon-

Fluttershy: A perpetually adorable dragon.

Spike (reigning in his frustration): I’m a dragon who’s endured unspeakable crimes against nature. I’ve got plenty of reasons to want Celestia gone. But Twilight? Why would she come to Ponyville to help overthrow the princess she’s served her entire life?

Rainbow: How about she tells us!

Pinkie: Ooh, she’s a regular Benedict Arnold!

Twilight: Pinkie, that’s a faulty analogy.

Spike: All she’s talked about all day is how to STOP Nightmare Moon!

A momentary silence hangs over the library.

Applejack: He’s right, y’all. I’m so sorry we flew off the handle like that, Twilight. We’re all just mighty confused right now. Especially Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: Hey, it was just one burlesque show with Gilda, that’s it!

Every pony stares at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: Ohhh… you meant the other confused. Yeah… Nightmare Moon really threw things out of whack… and stuff.

Pinkie: I don’t really see what’s so bad. Eternal nighttime? No glare on my monitor… ever? Sign me up!

Applejack: She doesn’t mean that.

Pinkie: Sure I do! There’ll be parties ALL the time! The night is always young. Can you imagine how much fun that’ll be?

Applejack: What Pinkie Pie’s tryin’ to say is... can you ever forgive us, Twilight Sparkle? And come back to the Apple family? I added that last part.

Twilight: Of course I forgive you.

Rarity: My dear, do tell us what you know about this horrid creature.

Twilight: Well… I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her. But I don’t know what they are… where to find them… I don’t even know what they do!

Pinkie: “The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide.”

Twilight bolts over to where Pinkie Pie is standing, pushing her out of the way.

Twilight: How did you find that?!

Pinkie (jumping and using a singsong voice): It was under “E!”

Twilight (embarrassed): Oh.

Pinkie: Of course if you’d get with the times and use the Dewey Decimal System, things would be even easier to find around here!

Twilight: Yes, this library is rather outmoded. Spike! Start rearranging every book according to decimal classification.

Spike: Are you serious?

Rarity: And I’ll just… sit over here and watch you and your big, bulging dragon biceps work!

Spike: Are you serious?

As Spike begins the arduous task of reorganizing the entire library, Twilight opens the reference guide and begins reading.

Twilight: “There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known. Kindness, laughter, generosity, honesty, and loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now the Everfree Forest.”

As Twilight reads, Nightmare Moon’s purple smoke hangs outside the window, and upon hearing the location of the elements, flies away toward the forest.

At the Everfree Forest.

The six ponies are standing apprehensively at the edge of the tree line.

Pinkie: Whee! Let’s go!

Twilight: Not so fast! Look, I appreciate the offer, but I’d really rather do this on my own.

Applejack: No can do, sugarcube. We sure ain’t lettin’ any friend of ours go into that creepy place alone. Besides, I’ve got a feelin’ this whole adventure’s gonna be great inspiration for my next movie. We’re stickin’ to you like caramel on a candy apple.

Four of the ponies trot into the forest, but Pinkie Pie lingers behind.

Pinkie: Especially if there’s candy apples in there.

Twilight stares at Pinkie.

Pinkie: What? Those things are good!

Sighing, Twilight follows Pinkie into the forest.

Later, after the ponies have walked a fair distance.

Twilight (trying to hide her nervousness): So… none of you have been in here before?

Rarity: Oh, heavens no! Just look at it. It’s dreadful. Why, my very first decree as queen will be to tear down this entire forest. A shopping mall would do nicely in its place.

Fluttershy: Um… Rarity… that actually leads me to something I’ve been meaning to ask. If it’s all right with you…

Rarity: Why do I want to help stop Nightmare Moon, when she and I share the same goal of taking down Princess Celestia?

Fluttershy: …yes.

Rarity: I was wondering when some pony would ask that. It’s really quite simple. Nightmare Moon is simply dreadful… and she seems much too dangerous. I would far rather Celestia have the throne until my army is ready.

Applejack: And as an admiral in that army, you can rest assured I’m strictly trainin’ my regiment each and every week.

Twilight’s Mind: Irrelevant banter detected! Scanning reference library for appropriate distraction… scanning… scanning… result found: “Newtonian Mechanics: As Easy as Apple Pie.” Error! Too relevant to Applejack’s interests. Scanning…

Rarity: Um… yes, you see Applejack… you’re really more of a… general.

Applejack: What?! You get a top-notch director to enlist, and you won’t even make her admiral?

Rarity: I hardly think having one failed horror movie to your name qualifies you as a “top-notch director.”

Applejack: Hey now! Sweet Apple Massacre was a masterpiece of psychological terror! It ain’t my fault the general public prefers the cheap thrills of Paranormal Activity year after year. Oooohhh… the sheets moved. How scarrry!

Fluttershy: One time, my sheets moved on their own. So I burned them.

Twilight’s Mind: Scanning… scanning… result found: “Deviant Sexuality: Nothing, and everything, to do with deviantART.” Error! Too relevant to Rainbow Dash’s interests.

Pinkie’s Mind: I wouldn’t say that out loud, though. She gets preeettty upset about that sort of thing!

Twilight: AHHH!

Twilight jumps into the air.

Rarity: Is something the matter, darling?

Rainbow: Guess the forest got to her. She’s just easily spooked. Spies typically are.

Twilight: I’m sorry… false alarm. I… thought I saw something. Let’s just keep moving.

Twilight’s Mind: Pinkie! You can read minds?!

Pinkie’s Mind: Well, not usually. Just yours! Isn’t this exciting?! I’ve never had a telepathic bond with anyone before! This is gonna be so much fun!

Twilight’s Mind: This wasn’t happening until we came to the Everfree Forest. There must be some correlation. This certainly bears further study.

Pinkie’s Mind: Yes… study. Hey, speaking of unnatural, have you SEEN how many books you’ve got in your head?! It’s like there’s a whole library stuffed in there.

Pinkie: Twilight, that’s it! We should start a book club, since we both love books so much! We’ll start with The Handmaid’s Tale; it’s, like, a REQUIREMENT that every book club reads it!

Rainbow: Pinkie Pie… you are so random.

Twilight: Has anything… supernatural ever been reported in the Everfree Forest?

Applejack: Hon, this whole place is unnatural. Folks say it don’t work the same as Equestria.

As Applejack speaks, Nightmare Moon’s purple smoke seeps into a cliff wall the ponies are walking toward.

Twilight: What does that mean, exactly?

Rainbow (in a creepy voice): No pony knows.

Rainbow lands on the ground and exaggeratedly creeps toward the other ponies.

Rainbow: You know why?

Applejack: Rainbow, quit it!

Rainbow: ‘Cause every pony who’s ever come in has never… come… OUT!

Upon saying “OUT” Rainbow Dash jumps into the air to startle her audience. However, this has the unintended side effect of bringing down the entire cliff they’re standing on. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy fly into the air; the other four ponies scream as they slide down the cliff.

Rainbow: Fluttershy, quick!

Fluttershy: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.

Rainbow catches Pinkie Pie as Fluttershy catches Rarity. Applejack manages to latch herself to a branch, slowing her fall. Only Twilight is left sliding all the way to another cliff, which she hangs on to for dear life.

Applejack: Hold on, I'm a'comin'!

Applejack gently slides down to Twilight.

Twilight: Applejack! What do I do?

After looking around the environment for a moment, Applejack finally answers.

Applejack: Let go.

Twilight: Are you crazy?!

Applejack: No I ain't.

Twilight: This isn't a movie, Applejack! Just "letting go" doesn't work in real life!

Applejack: Now listen here, I know what I'm sayin' is as clichéd as the Confederate flag bed sheets I sleep under, but it's the honest truth. Let go, and you'll be safe.

After a brief pause to look into Applejack's eyes, Twilight closes her own and lets go. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy gently catch her as she falls. Smirking, Rainbow lets go, sending Twilight plummeting again until she swoops down and catches her mere inches from the ground.

Rainbow: Sorry, my hoof slipped.

Twilight: Of course.

Rainbow Dash sets Twilight on the ground with the rest of the group. Nightmare Moon's purple smoke flies ahead, turning into an enormous thorn on the ground.

Later, as the ponies continue walking through the forest.

Applejack: Anyway, it's true what Rainbow Dash was sayin'. No pony who's ever come into this forest has ever come out.

Pinkie's Mind: Sort of like Rainbow's closet.

Without thinking, Twilight chuckles at Pinkie Pie's mental joke.

Rarity: Did I miss something comical?

Rainbow: Ponies disappearing in the Everfree Forest, dying undoubtedly gruesome deaths. Tonight's comedy brought to you by Twilight Sparkle, and her boss, Nightmare Moon. She's here till sunrise, folks. Settle in.

Twilight: First of all, black humor is a perfectly viable form of comedy. Second of all, once again, I'm not a spy! Third... I was just chuckling to relieve the tension.

Pinkie: You know what really relieves tension? A back massage!

Twilight: Not that kind.

Applejack: Anyway, none of this matters, seein' as we aim to applebuck the trend. I have every intention of makin' it back to Sweet Apple Acres alive. I'm expectin' a phone call from a certain Miss Paltrow any day now, after all.

As Applejack speaks, the manticore leaps out in front of the group.

Twilight: A manticore!

The manticore roars ferociously.

Twilight: We have to get past him.

The manticore leaps into the air and swipes at Rarity, his nearest target. She dodges and kicks him in the face.

Rarity: Take that you ruffian!

Applejack jumps on top of the manticore and attempts to corral him away.

Applejack: Yee haw!

Fluttershy: Wait...

The manticore, in a stunning display of wordplay, bucks Applejack away. As she sails through the air, she flies past Rainbow Dash.

Applejack: All yours, partner.

Rainbow: This'll be easy.

Fluttershy: Wait...

Rainbow creates a rainbow tornado around the manticore. The manticore, however, seeing the obvious flaw in Rainbow's strategy, thrusts his tail into the tornado, sending Rainbow careening away from him. Finally fed up with the attack, the creature begins charging toward the ponies, who, seeing no other alternative, charge as well. Fluttershy, having other ideas, leaps between the two parties.

Fluttershy: WAAAAIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!

Fluttershy gently walks toward the manticore, who lets out another ferocious roar.

Fluttershy: Shhh. It's ok.

Fluttershy muzzles up to the beast, who outstretches his paw, revealing a giant thorn protruding from the direct center.

Fluttershy: Aw, you poor, poor little baby.

Rainbow: Little?

Fluttershy: Now you just let Doctor Fluttershy take a look at that. I'll make it all better, I promise.

Fluttershy more closely inspects the manticore's paw.

Fluttershy: Oh dear. It's worse than I feared. This thorn was infected with dark magic. You've developed gangrene. It's serious.

The manticore lets out a confused grunt.

Fluttershy: Oh, this would be so much easier back at my lab. But there's no time. We simply can't allow the disease to spread.

Fluttershy frantically looks around the forest. Spotting a moderately sized log, she flies over and brings it back to the manticore.

Fluttershy: Here. Bite into this.

The manticore does as he is told.

Fluttershy: Now this might hurt for juusssst a second...

Fluttershy pulls out a chainsaw and, in one fell swoop, severs the manticore's paw. Blood paints the nearby dirt a hideous shade of maroon as the beast's ear-curdling scream is muffled by the log Doctor Fluttershy mercifully provided.

Fluttershy: There. All better. Now, you just keep pressure on that wound, and put that paw on ice. Once the gangrene's died out in a couple days, stop by my lab and we'll see about reattaching it.

The manticore nods through the pain.

Fluttershy: And, since you've been such a good patient, I've got a treat for you: a wollipop.

Fluttershy pulls out a lollipop. The manticore's eyes light up.

Fluttershy: Unfortunately, the other animals took all the good flavors. All that's left is butterscotch.

Dejected, the manticore takes his revolting lollipop and hobbles away from the ponies. Shrugging, the mane six continue forward.

Twilight: ...where did the chainsaw come from?

Nightmare Moon's thorn, unexpectedly separated from its host, transforms back into purple smoke and follows the group.

Later, the ponies are still walking.

Rarity: Ugh, my eyes need a rest from all this icky muck.

As if responding to Rarity's words, the foliage suddenly grows much thicker, casting the ponies in near pitch-blackness.

Rarity: Well I didn't mean that literally.

Twilight: That ancient ruin could be right in front of our faces and we wouldn't even know it.

Ironically, as Twilight speaks, the purple smoke flies right in front of her face. And she doesn't even know it. It proceeds to curse one of the nearby trees as its next target.

Applejack: Consarn it, I think I stepped in something.

Fluttershy screams at the top of her lungs.

Applejack: It's just mud.

Applejack notices the ominously glowing ghost tree in front of her.

Applejack: AHHH!

Ghost trees surround the entire group. Five of the ponies emit terrified screams. Pinkie Pie, instead, starts giggling.

Twilight: Huh?

Pinkie makes faces at the ghost tree nearest her.

Twilight: Pinkie, what are you doing? Run!

Pinkie: Oh, girls, don't you see?

Background music inexplicably cues up as Pinkie Pie moves to the rhythm.

Pinkie (singing): When I was a little filly and the sun was going doooowwwnnn...

Twilight: Tell me she's not.

Pinkie: ...the darkness and the shadows they would always make me frrrooowwnn...

Rarity: She is.

Pinkie: I'd hide under my pillow, from what I thought I saw. But Granny Pie said that wasn't a way to deal with fears at all.

Rainbow: Then what is?

Fluttershy: Chainsaws?

Pinkie: She said "Pinkie, ya gotta stand up tall, learn to face your fears, you'll see that they can't hurt you just laugh to make them disappear."

Pinkie jumps up to a ghost tree.

Pinkie: Ha. Ha. Ha.

The ghost tree does not disappear.

Applejack: Um... Pinkie...

Pinkie: Sooooo... giggle at the ghostie-

A ghost tree bends down and devours Pinkie Pie whole.

Twilight: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Its corporeal appetite sated, the ghost, and all its followers, disappear, leaving only traditional Everfree Forest-grade spooky trees in their place.

Twilight: AHHHHH!!!

Twilight looks around at the remaining ponies, who seem more relieved by the ghosts' vacating than they are disturbed by Pinkie Pie's death.

Twilight: AHHHH... why am I the only one freaking out?!

Applejack: Well... what's there to freak out about?

Rarity: Indeed. The specters are gone.

Twilight: Yeah, but they ATE Pinkie Pie!

Applejack: Oh. That. I already forgot you're new in town. See, Pinkie Pie's always gettin' herself killed in some way or another. Then before ya know it, she'll come boundin' right back and she won't even remember how she died. She's just rippin' off South Park if ya ask me, but I'll be darned if no pony can figure out how she does it.

Rainbow: Like her birthday party last year!

In the past.

Inside Pinkie Pie's house.

Doctors have herded the partygoers into a corner of the room, away from Pinkie Pie, who lies dead on the floor. Though inebriated, every pony is remarkably calm.

Ponyville Doctor: I've never seen anything like it. Her blood has literally turned into alcohol. How did this even happen?

Rarity: She kept taking shots and shouting "You only live once."

Ponyville Doctor: And you let it happen?!

Rarity: I suspect she meant it ironically.

In the present.

Rainbow: That was the doctor's first night in Ponyville. Boy was he in for a surprise.

Applejack: And there was the time she marathoned all eight seasons of 24.

Twilight: That killed her?

Applejack removes her hat.

Applejack: Took her own life halfway into season six. That brave soul.

Fluttershy: Um... what about when she played Russian Roulette with Derpy Hooves?

In the past.

Pinkie Pie lies dead on the ground, a bullet through her skull.

Derpy: Oh yeah... you're just supposed to load ONE bullet into the chamber.

In the present.

Applejack: The point is, this is hardly the first time Pinkie Pie has left the land of the living. We just gotta press on without her for now. She'll catch up when she catches up.

The ponies press forward. Left with little alternative, Twilight follows. Eventually their path leads them to a violently raging river, outstretching as far as the eye can see. A faint, flamboyant crying can be heard in the distance, but no pony pays it any mind.

Twilight: How are we going to cross this?

Rainbow: Duhh.

Rainbow Dash flaps her wings theatrically.

Rainbow: Didn’t we JUST establish I could carry you guys during that freak rockslide?

Twilight: Oh yeah.

Rainbow Dash makes three trips across the river, carrying a pony each time. Once Fluttershy has flown across, the five continue onward.

Rarity: Well, that was easy.

After yet more monotonous, uneventful walking, the ruined castle of the royal pony sisters finally looms on the horizon. In front of the castle, spanning another cliff face is a bridge, quite unmistakably broken-down.

Twilight: There it is! The ruin that holds the Elements of Harmony. We made it!

Succumbing to her excitement at the prospect of saving Equestria and returning to the intimacy of her library, Twilight gallops forward, paying no heed to the terrain beneath her hooves.

Applejack: Twilight! Wait for us!

Twilight: We’re almost there!

As she speaks, Twilight stumbles, almost falling headfirst over the cliff. Rainbow Dash, in the nick of time, catches her by the tail and pulls her to safety.

Twilight: Thank you, Rainbow Dash. It would seem I owe you my life once again.

Rainbow: Don’t mention it.

Twilight (after a long pause): I know we’ve had our differences, but I would like to-

Rainbow (interrupting): -Just… don’t mention it.

Twilight sighs to herself. Eventually the other ponies catch up to her and Rainbow.

Applejack: Now what?!

Rainbow: Duhh. Again.

Rainbow flaps her wings theatrically.

Applejack: Oh yeah.

Before Rainbow Dash can take off, Pinkie Pie jumps back into the group.

Pinkie: Hey girls! What’d I miss?

Twilight: Pinkie! It’s… it’s actually true…

Rarity: How ever did you get across the river?

Pinkie (animatedly moving her hooves): Well, the river was roaring real fast, like WHOOSHH! I didn’t know what I was gonna do. But then I heard someone crying, and I felt sad because who likes crying? I don’t like crying! So I followed the sound to the absolute sweetest, most wonderful sea serpent in all of Equestria. His name was Steven Magnet.

Twilight (dryly): Steven Magnet?

Pinkie: Yup. Pretty wild.

Applejack: It just don’t sound like-

Pinkie: -At least, I THINK that’s what he said. His accent was so thick; I had to turn on subtitles just to understand him.

Twilight: Subtitles?

Pinkie: The way I see it, Twilight, they wouldn’t even build the fourth wall if they didn’t expect me to break it down. Not like any pony sees it anyway!

Applejack: We all know your stance on wall demolition, Pinkie Pie. How did “Steven” help you cross the river?

Pinkie: Oh, right. Well, turns out he was causing the river to move so fast, ‘cause he was thrashing around ‘cause he was so upset that this purple smoke had whisked past and chopped off half his moustache. So I did what I do best: I threw a party to cheer him up!

Rarity: Did it work?

Pinkie: He passed out head-first on the other side of the river. I hopped across his body, and here we are.

Applejack: Makes sense.

Fluttershy: You know… sea serpents are just one teeny DNA strand away from full-blown dragons. Was he properly neutered?

Pinkie: Can’t say. Didn’t get a chance to ask!

Fluttershy pulls out her chainsaw.

Fluttershy: I’ll get right on that.

Applejack: Now hold on a second, Fluttershy. You know we ain’t got time for that.

Fluttershy: I’m very efficient…

Pinkie: Anyway, that’s the whole story.

Pinkie Pie takes an awkward pause before asking her next question.

Pinkie: So… how did I die this time?

Twilight: We were being attacked by apparitions, and you broke out in song instructing us to… laugh at them.

Pinkie: Right. I wrote that one for just such an occasion!

Twilight: Well, during your little number, one of the ghosts leaned down and just… devoured you, mid-sentence.

Rarity: It may have been a critique of your performance, more than anything. Your timbre was all over the map, no offense.

After processing the information, Pinkie Pie falls to the ground laughing.

Rainbow: It’s not THAT funny.

Rarity: Indeed. Music, notably well-performed  music, is an integral component of high society.

Pinkie (gasping for air): No, no, it’s not that! It’s just… I sing about how ghosts aren’t dangerous at all if you just laugh at them, and then what happens? I get eaten. By a GHOST!

Pinkie laughs uproariously once again.

Pinkie: It’s ironic!

Twilight: In the loosest sense of the word, maybe.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie jumps back to her feet, all laughter having subsided.

Pinkie: Did I taste good? Tell me I tasted good!

Applejack: We… didn’t really get a chance to ask, either.

Pinkie: Oh, I’d hate to think I wasn’t tasty! What if I’m butterscotch flavored?! I’d owe that ghost a huge apology.

Fluttershy: For the last time, I didn’t have any other lollipops.

Pinkie: I hope I’m chocolaty! Or cupcake-y. Delicious, pony flavored cupcakes!

Rainbow: Eww.

Twilight’s Mind: Resuming previous scan. Scanning… scanning… result found: “Exotic cupcake flavors: From Butterscotch to Zucchini.”

Twilight: Are you serious?!

Rainbow: You… LIKE pony flavored cupcakes?

Twilight: No, I just… picked a book that wasn’t distracting at all…

Every pony stares at Twilight.

Twilight: …it was too pertinent! Look, we’ve dawdled outside the castle long enough. We need to find the Elements!

Pinkie’s Mind: I understood, Twilight. Really, what kind of book skips the letter “A?” Apple flavored cupcakes are still pretty exotic, if you ask me!

Twilight hangs her head as Pinkie Pie bounces ahead of the rest of the group. She stops at the edge of the cliff.

Pinkie: How are we gonna cross this?!

Rainbow (exasperatedly): Yet again…

Rainbow flaps her wings theatrically.

Pinkie: Oh yeah.

Rainbow Dash takes off into the air.

Rainbow: Why does every pony keep forgetting I can fly?

Rainbow dives downward, picking up the broken edge of the bridge with her teeth and flying it to the other side of the cliff. She lands, but before she can tie the bridge to the nearby post, a mysterious voice calls out to her.

Voice: Rainbow.

Rainbow: Who’s there?!

Voice: Raaaiiinbooow.

Rainbow: I ain’t scared of you. Show yourself!

Voice: We’ve been eagerly awaiting the arrival of the best flyer in Equestria.

Rainbow Dash takes to the air in excitement.

Rainbow: And you have found her! You really think I’m the best flyer, though? You don’t need a… demonstration, or anything?

Voice: But of course. Your unparalleled prowess is known throughout the Everfree Forest.

Rainbow: Unparalleled… hey, uh, you wouldn’t mind telling the Wonder Bolts that, would ya? ‘Cause I’ve been trying to get into that group for, like, ever.

Voice: No, Rainbow Dash, we want you to join us-

Three ponies, in Shadow Bolt garb, gallop in front of Rainbow Dash, appearing from out of the thick fog surrounding the castle. The female Shadow Bolt continues talking.

Shadow Bolt: -the Shadow Bolts! We are the greatest aerial team in the Everfree Forest. And soon we will be the greatest in all Equestria. But first, we need…

The Shadow Bolt flies in close to Rainbow Dash and whispers seductively in her ear.

Shadow Bolt: …a captain.

Rainbow Dash muffles a squeal of excitement.

Shadow Bolt: Someone to lead us with her strength, her grace-

Rainbow (interrupting): Her unparalleled prowess?!

Shadow Bolt: Precisely.

Rainbow: Woo hoo! Sign me up! Just let me tie this bridge real quick, and then we have a deal.

The Shadow Bolts fly in front of the bridge.

Shadow Bolt: No! It’s them or us!

Twilight (from across the bridge): Rainbow! What’s taking so long?

The female Shadow Bolt’s eyes glow and an even thicker fog covers the bridge, muffling Twilight’s voice.

Rainbow: Why? Why should I have to choose between you and my friends?

Shadow Bolt: We have been watching you, Rainbow Dash. Watching very closely. Your friends weigh you down. Our captain cannot carry such a burden.

Rainbow: You’re wrong. Friends are never a burden.

Shadow Bolt: Yours are. Think about it. Who is it, exactly, you travel with? A farmhand who fancies herself a filmmaker? Who would never approve, might I add, of what she would call your “lifestyle choices.”

Rainbow: It was just one Playboy when I was a filly. It’s not a lifestyle.

Shadow Bolt: Or perhaps the tailor, with delusions of monarchal grandeur? The scientist, too timid to speak her own name, yet willing to commit heinous atrocities in the name of her work? The earth pony, too broken to ever reveal her true personality?

Rainbow: Pinkie Pie isn’t broken. She’s just Pinkie Pie!

Shadow Bolt: You tether yourself to a band of misfits, themselves inextricably tethered to Ponyville, or all places. They will take you nowhere in life. Relinquish their hold over you, and join us. Equestria will long remember the name…

The female Shadow Bolt leans in and whispers against the back of Rainbow’s neck, sending chills down her spine.

Shadow Bolt: Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow shakes herself out of her momentary trance.

Rainbow: You forgot one.

Shadow Bolt: Excuse me?

Rainbow: You were rattling off my companions. You left one out.

Shadow Bolt: Twilight Sparkle? The Canterlot unicorn? You don’t even like her.

Rainbow: Maybe not. But they do. Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy… they’ve all accepted Twilight, despite her failings. Just like they accept each other, and just like they accept me. Maybe I’m too arrogant, maybe I’m too combative. Maybe I’m too proud to apologize to Twilight for starting things off on the wrong hoof. But those ponies, across that cliff, see beyond that.

Shadow Bolt: You bicker perpetually. You cannot last five minutes without conflict arising.

Rainbow: You say we’re a band of misfits. I say that’s all any friends are. Misfits by some pony’s standards, brought together by chance, but held together by something much stronger. Casual disagreements are meaningless. At the end of the day, I have the best friends a girl could ask for. And Twilight.

Shadow Bolt: You lacked a true support network at home, so you cling to the first group that will take you! Willful ignorance of the perniciousness of your friends does not make them any less so!

Rainbow Dash closes her eyes momentarily before responding.

Rainbow: You're just getting desperate. You have absolutely no right to lecture me about my friends. I'll never join the Shadow Bolts.

Rainbow Dash finishes tying the bridge. The female Shadow Bolt lets out a frustrated grunt, and the three ponies turn into purple smoke, which flies toward the castle. The fog clears, and the rest of Rainbow's group comes running across.

Applejack: You did it! I knew we could count on ya!

Rainbow: I'd never leave my friends hangin'.

Twilight smiles to herself.

Inside the castle.

In the first large room the ponies come across, they discover a monument housing the stone Elements of Harmony.

Rainbow: Whoooaaa.

Twilight: The Elements of Harmony. We found them!

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy delicately remove the Elements from their pedestals and lay them on the ground in front of Twilight.

Pinkie: One, two, three, four... there's only five!

Twilight: The book said when the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed.

Applejack: Ya coulda' told us that part.

Pinkie: I'll fetch some flint!

Twilight: No need. I have an idea what to do... but you should probably stand back. I don't know what will happen.

Twilight begins focusing magic in her horn.

Pinkie: When that doesn't work, who wants to help me find some flint?

Rarity: A fair request. The five of us can cover more ground than just one.

The remaining five ponies walk out of the room. As Twilight focuses, Nightmare Moon's purple smoke forms a small tornado, which sucks up the Elements. Twilight, reacting quickly, jumps in after them, and the tornado disappears.

Outside the castle.

Applejack: Ya know, now I think about it, if this were a movie, it'd be an awful plot contrivance for the five of us to leave Twilight alone like that.

Pinkie: I prefer TV.

Applejack: Same difference.

The sound of the tornado reaches the ponies outside the castle.

Applejack: Twilight!

The ponies run back inside, but Twilight, and the Elements, are nowhere to be found.

Fluttershy: Oh, where could she be?

Rarity: Look!

Rarity points out a nearby window, drawing attention to a tower emanating a bright white light.

Inside the tower.

Twilight appears on the ground, coughing. When she looks up, Nightmare Moon towers over her, the Elements of Harmony surrounding her. Without a word, Twilight charges at Nightmare Moon.

Nightmare Moon: You're kidding, right?

Nightmare Moon bolts directly for Twilight. Before they can collide, however, Twilight casts a spell and appears behind the dark princess, where the Elements lie on the ground. The spell having drained her of energy, Twilight emits a weak groan.

Twilight: Just one spark...

Twilight summons all her strength to cast another spell on the Elements. Nightmare Moon, however, having other ideas, teleports in front of Twilight and violently kicks her away.

Nightmare Moon: Did you really think to defeat me? With these rocks?!

Nightmare Moon stamps her hoof on the ground, and the Elements shatter to pieces before Twilight's eyes. Nightmare lets out a vicious laugh, enjoying the drama of the moment.

Nightmare Moon: I have suffered your impudence long enough. You will swear fealty to me now.

Twilight: Never!

Nightmare Moon: Little foal! You have no choice. The night shall last forever! You shall see neither the sun nor your beloved princess ever again!

Celestia: You're wrong, Nightmare Moon!

Princess Celestia appears in the tower.

Nightmare Moon: Ah, Celestia. I was wondering when you would arrive. I was concerned my message went unreceived.

Celestia: I am not here for games, Nightmare Moon.

Nightmare Moon: Oh, no games, I assure you. It was a legitimate concern. I fear my telepathy has deteriorated somewhat during my millennium in the moon.

Celestia: If you think-

Nightmare Moon (interrupting): I worry the nuance of what I just said was lost upon you. One thousand years IN the moon. Not on.

In the past.

Nightmare Moon is inside the moon. A living, integrated component of the celestial body's solid core, she is unable to move, and able to breathe only through magic.

Nightmare Moon: Hmm... I have to relieve myself. This may prove problematic.

In the present.

Nightmare Moon: Want to know what a millennium's worth of atrophy feels like?!

Celestia: Really, I'd assume there's a point of diminishing returns.

Nightmare Moon: About five hundred years in, to be honest. But still!

Nightmare Moon casts a spell and sends Celestia hurling into a nearby wall.

Nightmare Moon: Half a millennium's worth of atrophy is nothing compared to what I have in store for you!

Twilight: Actually, if the point of diminishing returns is at five hundred years, then your cleanly rounded statement, while convenient, is factually incorrect.

Nightmare Moon hurls Twilight into the wall as well.

Celestia: Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student, your devotion to your studies is admirable, but you need not join this conversation. I am trying to distract Nightmare Moon, affording you time to summon the strength to defeat her.

Twilight: But princess... I can't. She destroyed the Elements. You have to do something!

Celestia: You are wrong, Twilight. I have played my part. The power rests within you, as it always has.

In the distance, Twilight hears her friends calling out to her, rapidly approaching the tower. Celestia rises to her feet.

Nightmare Moon: Your sun will not rise, Celestia. The solar tyranny is at an end. Never again will Equestria disrespect the night!

Celestia is visibly taken aback.

Celestia: Wait... you believe that was the cause of all this? Jealousy?

Nightmare Moon: Jealousy is a gross oversimplification! Our subjects revered you, showering praise upon you for raising the sun, yet shunned me; my equivalent task drawing nary a response. But Equestria can no longer ignore its true queen!

The remaining five ponies run into the room.

Applejack: Stop right there!

Rainbow: Stay away from the princess!

Rarity: Your insurrection has gone far enough!

Pinkie: This tower is tall!!!

Fluttershy: Um... could we please defeat you...? If it's not too much to ask...

Nightmare Moon: Ah, look. More visitors, come to witness the end of days.

Celestia: Stay away from them!

Pinkie's Mind: Hey Twilight!

Celestia casts her most powerful spell at Nightmare Moon, which the dark usurper casually absorbs.

Nightmare Moon: Really now, Celestia, it's time for the games to end. I'll have no more outbursts like that.

Celestia begins charging another spell.

Pinkie's Mind: Twilight!!!

Twilight's Mind: Not now, Pinkie Pie!

Nightmare Moon: I SAID no more outbursts!

Nightmare Moon flies into the air, lightning surrounding her.

Nightmare Moon: You will learn your place, sun princess. Control yourself, or your subjects will die. Beginning with one of the ponies you so vehemently wish to protect.

Pinkie's Mind: We couldn't find any flint, Twilight! I'm sorry. But I did find a lighter, so maybe we can get a spark from-

Pinkie Pie's Mind cuts out as the full force of Nightmare Moon's lightning strikes her. She dies instantly. A silence hangs over the room, punctuated only by Nightmare Moon's sadistic laugh.

Rarity: Well...if she HAD to murder someone, tactlessly, might I add, at least it was-

Applejack: TWILIGHT!!

Every pony looks at Twilight, who inexplicably lies dead on the ground.

Celestia falls to her knees.

Celestia: No...

Nightmare Moon: The kills have been doubled! Witness my true power!

Fluttershy buries her face in her hooves.

Fluttershy: What do we do, what do we do?

Celestia takes a long pause.

Celestia: ...nothing. There is nothing we can do.

Rainbow: No! There's always a way... isn't there?

Celestia shakes her head.

Nightmare Moon: Yes! Yes! The throne is mine. Come, let us return to Ponyville. The night, after all, is young.

In an unknown plane of existence.

Twilight opens her eyes. She finds herself floating in an endless white abyss, stretching as far as the eye can see.

Twilight: What happened?! Where am I?!

There is no response, just the echo of her own voice.

Twilight: Am I... dead? Did Nightmare Moon kill me?

There continues to be no response.

Twilight: Great. The afterlife is boring!

Twilight paces around.

Twilight: No, no. Logically speaking, something could still happen. I JUST got here. This is no time to be getting impatient with eternity.

Twilight sits down.

Twilight: I can wait.

Twilight waits, but the same amount of nothing continues transpiring around her.

Twilight: That's it! I need something to pass the time.

Twilight looks around for distractions, but, unsurprisingly, finds none.

Twilight: Well... I guess I could always recite pi...

Twilight sighs.

Twilight: Three point one four one five nine two...

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie's voice rings out throughout the abyss.

Pinkie: Twilight!

Twilight: Pinkie! You're here too? Where are you, I can't- hold on a second... six five three five...

Pinkie: I don't know how you got here, Twilight, but you need to listen. Everything starts soon.

Twilight: ...eight nine seven... Look, just let me do this real quick; I'm a complete failure if I can't at least make it to two hundred digits. My record is two fifty-six!

Pinkie: The last digit of pi is negative one! There. Now listen to me.

Twilight: That doesn't make any sense!

Pinkie: Exactly. Why do you think no one ever counts that high? Now pay attention. For whatever reason, you're here, which means you're gonna see some things. I wish it could be avoided, but... just... please don't think of me any differently after this. Find me at the end if you want to get out of here.

Twilight: Where are you?!

Pinkie Pie does not respond.

Twilight: Pinkie?!

The infinite whiteness around Twilight begins to take coherent form. She finds herself in the crowded hallway of an elementary school.

Twilight: What's going on?

Twilight walks toward the nearest student.

Twilight: Excuse me, I seem to be lost... odd as it may sound. Can you help me?

The student, without acknowledging Twilight's presence, walks right through her and continues on his way.

Twilight: OK...

Behind her, Twilight hears Pinkie Pie's voice. She turns to find a very young version of her friend talking to a fellow student.

Pinkie (stifling tears): I am NOT a red-neck! It's pink! Just look at it.

Clover Bloom: It's not literal! It means you're one of those freaks from the rock farms outside of town. I guess it's true what they say; you guys really aren't that bright. Pushing boulders with your head all day does that to you.

Pinkie: I AM bright. I taught myself to read. My mom says I'm the smartest pony she knows.

Clover Bloom: You live on a rock farm. She doesn't even know anyone outside your family!

The bell rings, and all the young students walk to their classrooms.

Clover Bloom: And we ALL taught ourselves to read. Just stay away from me.

Hanging her head, Pinkie Pie shuffles into her classroom. Twilight follows. Pinkie sits in the middle of the room, and all eight desks surrounding her remain suspiciously empty. The teacher begins the day's lesson, with Pinkie taking the most diligent notes of the whole class, which makes Twilight smile. After a brief while, another young filly , a light blue pony with a dark blue mane, walks into the room.

Teacher: Class, we have another new student today, fresh from Fillydelphia. Please welcome Starry Gaze.

Starry Gaze smiles at the whole class, then sits down at the desk immediately to Pinkie's right.

Star: Hi, I'm Starry Gaze, but you can just call me Star!

Pinkie: I'm... Pinkamena.

Star: It's great to meet you, Pinkie! Can I call you Pinkie?

Pinkie: Um... sure. Are you sure you want to sit by me? Everyone calls me a redneck...

Star: Well that's dumb. Your neck looks pink to me! I was a little late to class 'cause the principal took FOREVER showing me around the school!

Pinkie lets out a small smile as she hands Star her notes. As she does so, the classroom dissolves away, and Twilight finds herself in a cafeteria, one corner of which is occupied by Pinkie Pie eating alone at a table. Starry Gaze sits at a table surrounded by more popular ponies, including Clover Bloom. After a brief stint in the cafeteria, the scene fades to Pinkie Pie's house on the farm.

Mrs. Pie: How was your first day of school, Pinkamena?

Pinkie: Terrible! I'm never going back! They all called me a redneck and acted like I'm stupid!

Mrs. Pie: Aw, kids are just like that, dear. They need some time to get used to you, but in a few weeks, you'll be friends with the whole school!

Pinkie: I don't WANT to be friends with them!!

Pinkie storms to her room and slams the door. Twilight phases through the wall to follow. The young Pinkie cries to herself before picking up a book and attempting to read. Her peace, however, is interrupted by a knocking at the door.

Mrs. Pie: Pinkamena, dear, you have a visitor!

Pinkie opens the door.

Mrs. Pie: Your friend is here.

Starry Gaze hops through the door.

Pinkie: Star?

Star: Pinkie Pie! There you are! I didn't see you all afternoon!

Pinkie: You were sitting with Clover Bloom at lunch. I thought... you were done with me.

Star: I couldn't FIND you at lunch. Clover Bloom scurried me off before I had the chance. She's all right, I guess, but you're way cooler!

Pinkie: Really?

Star: For sure! But hey, you forgot to get your notes back!

Star hands Pinkie her notes.

Star: I found these after school, and I just got so sad, 'cause I know how much you love to study, and how can you study without your notes? So I came all this way to deliver them!

Star smiles radiantly.

Star: Nice place you have, by the way. I've never been to a rock farm before!

Pinkie: They're not that interesting...

Star: Everything's interesting, if you know how to look!

Star bounces to Pinkie's window.

Star: So many rocks, and they all have to be rotated in JUST the right manner... it's incredible how much work goes into it! I'd love to help out around here sometime!

Pinkie: You want to... hang out with me?

Star: Absolutely positootly!

Pinkie: Well... how about tonight? Can Star stay for dinner? Please Mom?

Mrs. Pie beams from the hallway.

Mrs. Pie: And dessert, too!

Star: Ooh, do you have chocolate? I just love chocolate! We could make chocolate!

Pinkie's house dissolves away, and Twilight finds herself back in the school cafeteria. Pinkie is, once again, sitting by herself, but Starry Gaze walks to her corner.

Star: Hey Pinkie, don't sit over here. Who wants to eat lunch by themselves? Come sit at my table!

Pinkie: But... what about Clover Bloom?

Star: She feels terrible about how she's treated you. She'd love the chance to get to know you better!

Pinkie: You mean that?

Star: Why would I lie to you, silly? Now come on, time's-a-wastin'!

Star hops back to the popular table. Pinkie follows, a newfound spring in her step. As she walks, the scene dissolves back to Pinkie's house.

Pinkie: She's coming, she's coming!

Mr. Pie: Settle down, Pinkamena. It's a long day ahead of us; I doubt Star will still want to help out once she realizes what the work entails.

There is a knock at the front door. Mrs. Pie opens it to find a sullen Starry Gaze as well as, unexpectedly, her parents.

Star: Come on, Pinkie. Let's get out of here!

Star grabs Pinkie and runs to her room, slamming the door behind her.

Star: Parents ruin everything!

Pinkie: Mine aren't so bad...

Star: Not yours. Mine. Specifically.

Pinkie: What do you mean?

Star: They came all this way just to talk to your parents. They're not gonna let me work.

Pinkie: Why not?!

Star: Because... because they just don't understand! They say it's too hard, too dangerous, that I shouldn't be straining myself like that! But I don't CARE that it's hard work! It's productive; it accomplishes something. I get a chance to leave my mark!

Star gazes forlornly out the window.

Star: They don't know what it's like. They never will.

Pinkie: Well... maybe you could explain it to them! Could I help?

There is a soft knock at Pinkie's door, and her parents solemnly enter the room.

Mrs. Pie: Pinkamena, dear, why don't you and Star just... play, for today. Your father and I can take care of the farm.

Pinkie: But she's ready to work!

Mrs. Pie: The workload isn't as heavy as we thought. It's under control. Show Star around the farm, all your favorite little spots. Just enjoy yourselves. Promise me you'll have fun.

Pinkie is visibly confused.

Pinkie: All right Mom... we'll have fun.

The walls melt away, and Twilight finds herself standing with Pinkie Pie and Starry Gaze in front of an abnormally tall rock.

Star: You weren't kidding! This rock is huuuuge! I've never seen anything like it!

Pinkie: Watch this!

Pinkie makes a series of calculated jumps, and rapidly reaches the top of the rock.

Pinkie: Highest spot on the whole farm. Even higher than my roof! Wanna try getting up here?

Star: Do, or do not. There is no try.

Pinkie: You know I'm more of a Trek pony! Nonetheless, fitting quote!

Star: Let me just find my balance...

As Star prepares to make the first jump, a deafening explosion can be heard in the distance. A circular rainbow blasts across the sky, causing a mild earthquake. The quake would be harmless, were Pinkie Pie not standing atop a very tall, very precarious rock.

Star: PINKIE!!

Screaming, Pinkie Pie does her best to maintain her balance, but to no avail. She tumbles off the rock and freefalls to the ground, landing directly on her spine with a sickening crack.

Star: PINKIE!!

Star, after momentarily freaking out, runs back to Pinkie's home. The sun jumps halfway across the sky, and Twilight finds Pinkie's family huddled around her mangled body, sobbing. Suddenly, Pinkie sits straight up, gasping for air.

Pinkie's Entire Family: AHHHHHHH!!!!

Pinkie: Hey, guys. What happened? Where's Star?

Pinkie's Sister: She's a zombie!!!

Pinkie's Other Sister: Kill it with fire!!!

Pinkie: A zombie? I'm not a zombie! At least, I don't think I am. I'm not hungry for brains or anything.

Mrs. Pie (with trepidation): ...Pinkamena? Is it really you?

Mr. Pie slowly approaches his potentially undead daughter.

Mr. Pie: We'll know soon enough.

Mr. Pie's voice takes on a more menacing tone.

Mr. Pie: If you're a zombie, I won't hesitate to put you down myself.

The scene changes to a doctor's office. Pinkie Pie is inside, along with her parents. The door opens, and the doctor walks in, holding a covered silver platter.

Doctor: Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Pie. Says here you suspect your daughter of being a zombie?

Mr. Pie: That's correct.

Doctor: Yes, yes, a very common concern. Fortunately, there's a very simple, scientifically sound test to decisively prove whether your daughter is, in fact, among the walking dead.

The doctor removes the lid from the platter.

Mrs. Pie: Good heavens!

Doctor: As you can plainly see, this platter holds two objects: a perfectly preserved equine brain, and a butterscotch lollipop. Pinkamena, you must eat one or the other before you will be allowed to leave this office. Do you understand?

Pinkie Pie gags.

Pinkie: But I don't want either one...

Doctor: You can legally be detained in this office on the grounds of public safety concerns. I will exercise this right if you don't eat.

Mrs. Pie: This is torture! What does it prove?!

Doctor: If your daughter is a common zombie, she will choose the brain, and that will be that. If, however, she was infected by one of the more virulent strains, as is often the case, she may yet possess the cognitive awareness to choose the NON-cannibalistic option, thereby throwing us off her unholy trail.

Mrs. Pie: This is legitimate medicine?!

Mr. Pie: He's the best doctor in Equestria for a reason, honey. Let him work.

Doctor (continuing as though uninterrupted): You see, intelligent zombies will be society's undoing. But they cannot fully fight what they are. Pinkie Pie may wish to avoid the brain, obfuscating the fact that she is nothing more than a candy-colored corpse, but no pony, living, dead, or living dead, can stomach butterscotch. Even the most astute zombie, caught between a brain-shaped rock and a butterscotch-flavored hard place, will succumb to her most... innate cravings.

Mr. Pie: Sounds reasonable.

The doctor thrusts the platter directly in front of Pinkie Pie's face.

Doctor: Now, Pinkamena... eat.

Pinkie Pie slowly reaches for the platter.

Pinkie: Does it prove anything if I throw up?

Doctor: Only that your bill will be higher.

Pinkie Pie hesitantly picks up the lollipop and, wincing, takes one lick. Gagging, she throws up inside her mouth, but keeps it down.

Pinkie: There. I chose the lollipop. Can I go?

Doctor: No! You must eat the whole thing.

Pinkie: But-

Mr. Pie: He has your best interests at heart, dear. Follow the doctor's orders.

The doctor's office melts away, and Twilight finds herself back in Pinkie's room, along with Pinkie Pie and Starry Gaze.

Pinkie: And then he had the nerve to give me a lollipop, for being such a "good patient!"

Star: What flavor?

Pinkie: It was one of those "mystery" lollipops.

Star: Well what flavor was THAT?

Pinkie: Brain. It was a leftover from Nightmare Night.

Star: Kind of ironic, when you think about it.

Pinkie Pie laughs to herself.

Pinkie: Yeah... I guess it is!

Star: Anyway... you know you're the talk of the town now, right? You came back from the dead like nothing ever happened!

Pinkie: I don't even remember falling off that rock!

Star: Some ponies are afraid of you. They say you're cursed; that there's black magic involved.

Pinkie: Well I'm not! There's no witchcraft, no gypsy magic, nothing of the sort! It just happened. I can't explain it!

Starry Gaze walks to the window, and stares out it once again.

Star: I believe you. I think it's a gift, myself. I mean... you can't die, Pinkie Pie. At least, not for good. It's just... not even a factor for you. There's no weight on your shoulders...

Pinkie: Maybe it was just a one-time thing. Maybe I just didn't die... but I still can!

Star: Look at your front right hoof.

Pinkie: Huh?

Pinkie raises her hoof, and discovers a sharp tack stuck to the bottom.

Star: You stepped on that tack a little while ago. I watched it happen; you didn't even react. You didn't feel a thing, did you?

Pinkie Pie frantically removes the tack from her hoof.

Pinkie: What... what's going on?

Pinkie jabs the tack into her legs, her cheek, and her stomach.

Pinkie: It's... ok... I'm... it's bleeding, I'm bleeding, but I don't feel it!

Star: Which is good.

Pinkie: What's happening to me?!

Star: I think that rainbow did something. Obviously you could feel pain before, but now you've come back from the dead, and you can't. It's incredible, Pinkie. You're meant for something incredible.

Pinkie Pie, with measured insanity, picks up a pair of scissors sitting on a nearby desk.

Pinkie: This is wrong... I'm not- I'm not supposed to be here. I am cursed, Star! Just... just...

With one smooth motion, Pinkie Pie uses the scissors to slit her own throat, crumpling to the ground. Star, unprepared for Pinkie's suicide, runs out of the room. Twilight follows her into the hallway, where the filly is talking to Mrs. Pie.

Mrs. Pie: What is it, dear?

Star: Pinkie just... Pinkie just slit her throat!

Mrs. Pie: WHAT??!!

Every pony runs back to Pinkie's room, where they find Pinkie on her bed, alive and well.

Pinkie: Hey guys, how did that blood get on the floor?

Mrs. Pie faints. Starry Gaze simply gazes starry-eyed.

Star: Every time...

The walls melt away, and a montage of Pinkie Pie killing herself in varying ways flashes before Twilight's eyes. An acceptance of her abilities can be seen gradually dawning upon Pinkie's face. Eventually, society at large begins accepting her again as well, the bravest of the brave even watching her acts of self-mutilation. After the montage stops, Twilight finds herself back in Pinkie's familiar bedroom with Pinkie and Star.

Pinkie: I think I'm gonna go back to school tomorrow.

Star leaps excitedly across the room.

Star: Really?! That's great! Every pony's sooo excited to see you! I've taken really intense notes, so you won't even be behind!

Both ponies share a laugh.

Star: You know what this calls for?

Pinkie: What?

Star: A back to school party!

Pinkie: I've never been to a party before...

Star gasps audibly.

Star: You haven't?! Never?! And you've been alive, repeatedly, for this long?!

Pinkie: I just never had the opportunity...

Star: Well, you'll see tomorrow! Parties are the absolute best thing on the whole entire planet! On any planet! The whole class will throw it for you! It's gonna be so much fun.

Pinkie: Do I need to bring anything?

Star bolts toward the door.

Star: Just yourself, silly! I'll take care of the rest.

The scene changes to the next morning. Pinkie Pie is heading for the front door.

Pinkie (yelling to her parents in the kitchen): I'm leaving early. I wanna drown myself before school. Never tried that one before.

Mrs. Pie (yelling back): Just dry off before your party, Pinkamena!

Before opening the front door, Pinkie grabs a present she made, with two blue balloons and one yellow balloon tied to the top. When she opens the door, however, she finds Mr. and Mrs. Gaze standing at the doorstep, both their faces covered with tears.

Pinkie: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Gaze. What's going on?

Pinkie's parents run to the front door.

Mr. Gaze: It happened.

Pinkie's parents are crestfallen.

Mrs. Pie: Pinkamena, honey... you're not going to school today. How about you.... we have to show you something...

The scene changes. Pinkie Pie, with present still in tow, is standing numbly at the foot of a hospital bed. Starry Gaze weakly opens her eyes.

Star (coughing): Pinkie... you made it...

Pinkie Pie opens her mouth to speak, but cannot force a single word out. During her silence, Star notices the present she holds.

Star (with a weak laugh): Is that a present? For the party?

Pinkie: ...yes...

Star (still laughing): You don't bring presents... to your own party, you know.

Pinkie: It's for you... for accepting me when every pony feared me, and for... and for throwing my first party.

Pinkie Pie turns away, refusing to let Starry Gaze see her cry.

Star: Pinkie...

Pinkie Pie angrily turns back around.

Pinkie: What is it?! Why didn't you ever tell me?! I could have done something. There has to be something...

Star: I was born with Cushing's Disease. There's no cure, but I've been taking medicine to control it my entire life. Recently, though, I started to develop an... immunity to the medicine. That's why we moved here. We'd heard you had the best doctor in all of Equestria, and we hoped he could... but... there was nothing he could do. It was only a matter of time.

Pinkie (fighting tears throughout the conversation): But... but... you were always so happy!

Star: I wanted every pony to like me... so I could get as much of a childhood as possible before... before...

Pinkie: Don't say it!

Star: And maybe, if I made a true friend, I could... you know... leave my mark on this world. But you were an even better friend than I could have imagined.

Pinkie: That's not...

Star: You make me happy, Pinkie Pie. That's what you do. You make ponies laugh, and you make them happy. Even now. I can smell the cupcakes in that present, you know. Chocolate.

Pinkie: I would have gotten something better...

Star: They're perfect. But... can you do one last thing for me, Pinkie?

Pinkie: Of course.

Star: I'm scared of dying. It's gonna happen, but I'm... terrified.

Star's voice finally cracks, and she sobs softly.

Star: But you've died so many times, just tell me... what's it like? Does it hurt?

Pinkie: I never remember it.

Star: Lie to me. I don't want to do it blind.

Pinkie: It's...

Pinkie thinks for a long moment.

Pinkie: A bright light surrounds you. Soft, white; like a pillow. Everything melts away, and then all your memories surround you, but just the good ones. You can relive them, or you can make new memories. It's a scary leap, but once you make it... you're on to something so much better. And you never have to leave.

Star: That doesn't... sound so bad.

Pinkie: It's not.

Pinkie's face lights up.

Pinkie: But I've got an idea!

Pinkie looks around the room, eventually grabbing a scalpel from a cart near Star's bed.

Star: Pinkie?

Pinkie: Here. Grab my hoof.

Pinkie lowers her hoof into Star's.

Pinkie: I don't know how my powers work, but maybe... maybe I can take you with me. Don't let go, no matter what.

Star: Pinkie, I-

Pinkie (interrupting): No! Don't say anything. It'll work. We don't have to say goodbye.

With her other hoof, Pinkie raises the scalpel to her throat.

Pinkie: We'll never say goodbye, Star. I'll see you on the other side.

Pinkie slits her throat.

Star: ...goodbye, Pinkie Pie.

Day jumps to night, and Pinkie finally stands up. Starry Gaze is no longer in her bed, but Mrs. Pie is sitting across the room.

Mrs. Pie: Are you all right, Pinkamena?

Pinkie: Where's Star?!

Mrs. Pie: She told me what you did. Why you did it.

Pinkie: Did it work? I don't remember. Where is she?!

Mrs. Pie, lost for words, simply shakes her head. At this, Pinkie finally breaks down and sobs uncontrollably. Mrs. Pie hugs her daughter, and the two remain in the room until Pinkie regains her composure.

Mrs. Pie: She asked me to tell you something.

Pinkie (wiping a tear from her eye): What?

Mrs. Pie: She said never to stop making ponies happy. That's your gift, Pinkamena. Her final request... was for you to always remember that.

Pinkie shakily stands up, surveying the room. Her eyes land upon the present she made for Starry Gaze, still wrapped and sitting beside her bed.

Pinkie: I go by Pinkie now, Mom.

The two walk out of the room.

Pinkie: Call me Pinkie.

As she walks, Pinkie Pie's Cutie Mark, two blue balloons and one yellow, appears. Once again, the walls fade away, and Twilight is surrounded by the infinite white void.

Twilight: Pinkie...

Twilight wipes the tears from her face, then surveys the expanse before her. Finally, in the distance, she sees the real, fully-grown Pinkie Pie, sitting all by herself, and quickly trots over to meet her.

Pinkie: Hi, Twilight. I guess you made it.

Twilight: Pinkie, I'm so sorry... I had no idea...

Pinkie: It's ok. It's in the past.

Twilight: Do you see those events-

Pinkie: Every time. Since Star passed away, I've died more times than I can count, and I relive the memories every time.

Twilight: I thought you never remembered dying.

Pinkie: I remember while I'm in here. Always.

Twilight: But why... those memories? If you don't mind me asking.

Pinkie: Don't you see? Star was the first friend I ever had; the best friend I ever had. She made every pony happy just by being in the room with them. I have to live up to her example. It's what she wanted. It's how I got this.

Pinkie points to her Cutie Mark.

Pinkie: But every day, I have to live with the doubt. What if I'm not making ponies happy enough? What if I'm annoying them? What if they see right through me, to the fact that I'm just trying to be LIKE Starry Gaze... but I can't actually replace her. But I don't talk about that. I just put on a smile and push everything down... until I die, and it all comes out.

Twilight: Pinkie... of course you make every pony happy.

Pinkie: Oh really? I threw you a super humongous party, and what did you do? You locked yourself in your room all night.

Twilight: Well... I'm different.

Pinkie: Different how?

Twilight: I didn't know how to react-

Pinkie: -to a party?

Twilight briefly pauses.

Twilight: I've never had friends before! Princess Celestia told me to make some while in Ponyville, but I turned my nose at her request, because I had much bigger concerns. Like stopping Nightmare Moon! Which, by the way, was obviously a complete failure, so what does it even matter?

Pinkie: Well, at least you only failed half your mission.

Twilight: Huh?

Pinkie: The way I see it, in just one short day, you made enough of an impression on five different ponies that, when push came to shove, we were all willing to face unimaginable dangers with you. Together. Whether you think you did or not, whether you even wanted to, you made friends, Twilight. I won't remember this conversation, and you'll never see me this somber again, but there's no doubt in my mind the princess would be incredibly proud of you.

Twilight is momentarily taken aback.

Twilight: Pinkie...

A magical spark, ever so briefly, lights in Twilight's eyes.

Twilight: Of course.

Pinkie: Twilight?

Twilight: The Elements. They were with us the whole time!

A magical aura shoots from Twilight's horn, surrounding her entire body and creating a vortex in front of her.

Twilight: Come on, Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie: Where are we going?

Twilight: To finish the other half of the mission.

In Ponyville.

Inside the pavilion.

The stage, once adorned with colorful Summer Sun Celebration decor, now houses a gallows, which Spike is putting the finishing touches on. All of Ponyville is gathered in fear, with Nightmare Moon and Princess Celestia standing before them.

Nightmare Moon: Must you toil so slowly, dragon?!

Spike: This might go faster if I wasn't the ONLY one building it!

Nightmare Moon glances over the gallows and, deciding it's sturdy enough, casts a spell which sends Spike flying into the crowd of ponies.

Nightmare Moon: Citizens of Ponyville, your slave, torpid though he might be, has finished his work!

Spike: If Twilight's dead, shouldn't I technically be free?

Applejack: Shut it, Spike. Now's not the time.

Nightmare Moon herds Celestia to the gallows and fastens the noose around her neck.

Nightmare Moon: You sent six ponies into the Everfree Forest to defeat me. Unsuccessful, only four have returned. Your loyalty to your former princess is admirable, but will be tolerated no longer. I am Equestria's queen, and will be treated as such. But perhaps you still require a demonstration? Celestia's execution will be my first royal decree. Bear witness, Ponyville, and understand the cost of disobedience.

Nightmare Moon turns to Celestia.

Nightmare Moon (sardonically): I am, however, a merciful ruler. Address your subjects one final time... your highness.

Celestia looks out at the crowd. Many ponies have already averted their eyes.

Celestia: This is not how it was supposed to be. I have failed you, Ponyville, as I have failed Equestria, in more ways than you can conceive. I hope one day, you will come to place the appropriate blame at my hooves, rather than directing it all toward Nightmare Moon. For you see, she is not who you think she is. In reality, she-

A vortex violently rips open above the sea of ponies. Every pony screams.

Nightmare Moon: What is this?!

Pinkie Pie falls out of the vortex.

Pinkie: Wheeee!

Pinkie lands next to Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie: Hey Rainbow, what'd I miss? Why are we at the pavilion? I thought we were in the castle.

Pinkie gasps loudly.

Pinkie: Do you think the pavilion IS the castle?! THAT would be a surprise! The entire space/time continuum would be distorted!

Rainbow: I'll say this, you made quite the entrance this time.

Nightmare Moon: So the earth pony has returned to us, as I was told she would. Her showmanship is laudable, but she will not distract from the matter at hand.

Twilight's voice booms throughout the auditorium.

Twilight: There will be no execution, Nightmare Moon!

Every Pony: Twilight?!

Rays of intense light shoot from the vortex as Twilight descends to the ground, the magical aura still surrounding her. The dimensional rift closes behind her.

Celestia: Twilight Sparkle...

Nightmare Moon: Impossible!

Spike (monotone): Oh joy, Twilight's back.

Twilight: Your claim to the throne will not be recognized!

All other members of the Mane Six run to stand by Twilight's side.

Nightmare Moon: You may have cheated death, but it matters not! The Elements remain in pieces at the castle!

Twilight: You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony just like that?

Nightmare Moon: Well... I did.

Twilight: You're wrong. Because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here!

The shards of the Elements come flying into the pavilion, shattering a window in the process.

Nightmare Moon: What?!

Twilight: Applejack, who never hesitates to share her conservative opinions, whether solicited or not, represents the spirit of Honesty!

Rock shards encircle Applejack.

Twilight: Fluttershy, who severed the manticore's limb... with compassion, represents the spirit of Kindness!

Rock shards encircle Flutterhsy.

Twilight: Rarity, whose name rhymes with charity, represents the spirit of Generosity!

Rock shards encircle Rarity.

Twilight: Rainbow Dash, who threw away the career opportunity of a lifetime, represents the spirit of Loyalty!

Rock shards encircle Rainbow Dash.

Twilight: And Pinkie Pie, who always brings a smile to every pony's face, simply by being herself, not by emulating anyone else, represents the spirit of Laughter!

Rock shards encircle Pinkie Pie, who smiles at Twilight's description.

Twilight: The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us!

Nightmare Moon: You still don't have the sixth Element. The spark didn't work!

Twilight: But it did. A different kind of spark. I felt it the moment I realized what it means to have ponies that care about you, that love you, that would do anything for you. Even if sometimes your relationships got off to a bad start-

Twilight and Rainbow Dash make eye contact. Both smile in recognition.

Twilight: -and sometimes they aren't even aware of what they've done for you-

Twilight looks at Pinkie Pie, who smiles, not in recognition, but simply because she feels like smiling.

Twilight: -no matter what the complications, you get through them. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all are my friends!

Out of thin air, another rock, the sixth Element of Harmony, appears above Twilight, emitting a pure white light.

Twilight: You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the spark that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth Element: the Element of Magic!

Nightmare Moon (visibly desperate): You little foal! You really think a cheesy speech can help you defeat me?!

Spike (to no one in particular): There she goes with that foal stuff again. It just doesn't... wait, do you think she means that, since she's at least a thousand years old, we're all "foals" relative to her storied age?

Derpy, standing nearby, hears Spike.

Derpy: It makes sense to me.

Spike: Well... I'll take what I can get.

Magic shoots out of Twilight's horn, and the shards encircling the Mane Six take the form of pendants, each matching its respective wearer's Cutie Mark. Twilight's becomes a crown, from which a magical rainbow shoots forth, wrapping itself around Nightmare Moon and utterly absorbing the dark queen.

Nightmare Moon: NOOOOO!!!

Twilight opens her eyes, and their pure white hue fills the room, temporarily blinding every pony. When the light subsides, the Mane Six are all sprawled out on the ground.

Rainbow: Ughh... my head...

Applejack: Every pony ok?

Rarity: Oh, this necklace is just to DIE for! Figuratively speaking, of course!

Rarity models her pendant.

Fluttershy: It's so lovely.

Pinkie: Hey, it looks just like your Cutie Mark!

Pinkie looks at her pendant.

Pinkie: Mine looks just like MY Cutie Mark!

Pinkie looks at all the other pendants.

Pinkie: They ALL look like our Cutie Marks!

Applejack: Gee, Twilight, I thought you were just spoutin' a lot of hooey. But I reckon we really do represent the Elements of Harmony.

All of Ponyville cheers for the Mane Six. Celestia's voice booms out.

Celestia: Indeed you do.

The gallows having been disintegrated in the light, Princess Celestia stands up proudly on the stage. As she stands, the sun finally rises. Every pony bows before her.

Celestia: Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it.

Twilight: But you told me it was all an old pony tale.

Celestia: I told you that you needed to make some friends. Nothing more. I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon's return, and I knew, as I have always known, that it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her. But you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart.

Spike gags to himself.

Spike: Really? This is just getting treacly.

All surrounding ponies shush Spike.

Celestia: Now... if only another will as well.

Celestia turns to Luna who lies behind her on the stage.

Celestia (apprehensively): Princess Luna. It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this. Tell me... what do you remember?

Momentarily searching for words, Luna eventually settles on vocabulary somewhat less eloquent than might be expected of a princess.

Luna: I'm so sorry! I've missed you so much, big sister!

Luna runs over and hugs Celestia.

Every Pony in the Pavilion: Sister?!

Celestia processes her sister's words, then smiles, realizing the ancient zebra magic has extended even to Luna herself.

Celestia: Yes, good citizens. The average alicorn lifespan is... quite long. My sister was once consumed with jealousy, but now-

Celestia turns to face her sister.

Celestia: -it is time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister. And rule together we shall.

Every pony nervously looks around before cheering, with markedly less enthusiasm than before.

Celestia: Your apprehension is understandable, but I assure you, Luna and Nightmare Moon are NOT the same entity. She was corrupted, but no longer. It is cause for celebration, Ponyville. Equestria is whole again.

The auditorium erupts with cheers.

Pinkie: Hey, you know what this calls for? A party!

Later that day, Pinkie Pie's party has spread throughout Ponyville. Celestia and Luna arrive in their royal chariot, and every pony bows before them. Luna, looking quite nervous, is given a wreath of flowers by two young fillies, and manages a demure smile. Twilight, amidst all the festivities, looks dejectedly at the ground.

Celestia: Why so glum, my faithful student? Are you not happy that your quest is complete, and you can return to your studies in Canterlot?

Twilight: That's just it. Just when I learned how wonderful it is to have friends, I have to leave them.

Celestia: Spike, take a note please.

Spike sighs loudly as he pulls out a paper and quill.

Celestia: I, Princess Celestia, hereby decree that the unicorn Twilight Sparkle shall take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings, from her new home in Ponyville.

The Mane Six, even Rainbow Dash, run up and hug Twilight.

Spike: "The magic of friendship." I can't believe I'm writing this...

Twilight: Oh, thank you, Princess Celestia! I'll study harder than ever before!

Every pony cheers. Spike rolls up the scroll.

Celestia: There's more, Spike.

Spike unrolls the scroll once again.

Celestia: I also decree that Spike, her faithful slave- and I will be reading this, so don't even think about writing "indentured servant" instead- will remain in Ponyville as well, tending to her every whim, as his binding spell dictates.

Spike: You didn't need to remind me of that.

Celestia: I know. I just wanted it in writing, in case you tried to find some loophole. I know how sneaky you dragons are.

Every pony laughs uproariously as the royal chariot takes off, and Celestia and Luna fly back to their home in Canterlot. Twilight beams as she looks around at Ponyville, eager to start her new life.

Episode 3: The Ticket Master

In Twilight's library.

The curtains are drawn. Outside, the sun has already risen, but inside, the bedroom remains unlit, save for the candles strategically placed throughout. The door cracks open; natural light brazenly penetrating the meticulously prepared mood lighting, if only for a moment. Twilight slinks into the room, slowly closing the door with her right hind hoof, never so much as looking back at it.

Twilight (seductively): Well good morning.

Taking her time, making the moment linger in the air like the scent of a new textbook cracked open for the first time, Twilight inches toward the bed.

Twilight: Just had to freshen up a bit; I hope you weren't waiting too long. I skipped breakfast, you know. Wouldn't want to ruin that "freshly brushed" clean. Carrot flavored toothpaste. Your favorite.

Twilight walks past the bed, finally standing over an adjacent nightstand.

Twilight: Now... I've got a special treat for you.

Using her magic, Twilight levitates Crime and Punishment, the book she's been addressing the whole time, over to the bed. She kneels in front of it.

Twilight: Oh Raskolnikov, you've been a bad boy, haven't you? Killing Alyona, just like that. You knew there would be... repercussions.

Using both hooves, Twilight repeatedly flips the book's pages front to back, back to front, taking in their musk as they waft in front of her nose.

Twilight: Oh, yeah, do you like that? Do you like your... punishment?

Twilight chuckles to herself.

Twilight: Get it? "Punishment?"

Suddenly, Twilight shoots straight up.

Twilight: But enough of my underappreciated wit! I've got your attention now, and I know just the thing to finish you off.

Twilight flips to the exact center of the book, laying it flat on its spine. She slowly lowers her horn into the crease.

Twilight: Let me be your Sonya-

Spike bursts through the door.

Spike: Twilight, are you coming? We don't want to keep Applejack waiting-

Spike's voice trails off as he takes in his surroundings, realizing he entered the room at the exact moment of literary penetration. Twilight leaps away from the book.

Twilight: SPIKE!

Spike: I'm gonna be sick.

Twilight attempts to use her hooves to cover her body.

Twilight: Leave, Spike! I'm not... I'm not dressed properly!

Spike: You don't wear clothes!

Twilight nervously glances around the room.

Twilight: Well... well... Crime and Punishment isn't dressed properly!

Spike: "Crime and Punishment isn't dressed properly." That's what you're going with?!

Twilight (stuttering): I... I...

Twilight's Mind: Error! Irreconcilably awkward situation in progress. Initiating emergency system shutdown.

Twilight: Get me to Sweet Apple Acres...

Twilight's voice cuts out as she falls to the ground.

Spike: Twilight?

There is no response.

Spike: Twilight?

There continues to be no response.

Spike: Why does this happen to me?

Later that day, at Sweet Apple Acres.

Spike, panting, drags Twilight, by the tail, in front of the barn.

Spike: We're here!

Applejack trots up.

Applejack: There y'all are! Do you know what time it is?

Applejack notices Twilight lying completely motionless.

Applejack: Good gravy! Is she all right?!

Spike: Well... this is really nothing out of the ordinary.

Twilight's Mind: Initiating system reboot. Error! Memory files in the folder "This Morning" have been corrupted. Would you like to restart in Safe Mode?

Twilight (leaping to her feet): No one EVER uses Safe Mode!

Spike: See? Everything's back to normal.

Applejack: Are you ok, sugarcube?

Twilight: Yes, although I'm afraid I don't remember how I got here.

Applejack: Spike dragged ya all the way here unconscious!

Twilight: Oh my. How embarrassing. I must have really needed my beauty sleep this morning! But... I did promise to help you harvest apples today. Is it too late?

Applejack: Now don't you fret about it none, Twilight. I did bet Big Macintosh I could get all the golden delicious in the barn by lunchtime, but it ain't no big deal. If I'd won, though, he had to walk down Stirrup Street in one of Granny's girdles!

Applejack laughs to herself.

Twilight: Applejack, I'm impressed. Encouraging Big Macintosh to wear female clothing is quite progressive of you!

Applejack: Huh. I never thought of it like that. Don't wanna seem like I approve of transvestites. Can't have Apple Bloom gettin' the wrong ideas. That's why she ain't allowed to talk to Rainbow Dash. Guess your oversleepin' was a blessing in disguise!

Twilight (smiling): Pleasure to be of service!

As she speaks, Twilight's stomach growls loudly. She giggles nervously.

Twilight: Oh, I never had breakfast. I guess we'd better get some food.

Spike: Tell me about it. Dragging you around all morning was hard work. I am hungry!

Suddenly, Spike lets out a loud burp.

Applejack: You burp when you're hungry?

Twilight: No... it's a letter from Princess Celestia.

Clearing his throat, Spike picks up the scroll which appeared in the fires of his belch.

Spike: "Hear ye, hear ye, her grand royal highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria-" -we know who you are, you narcissistic-

Twilight (interjecting): Spike! Don't interject!

Spike: Fine. Where was I? Let's see, self-important roll call, blah blah blah, "is pleased to announce the Grand Galloping Gala to be held in the magnificent capital city of Canterlot on the 21st day of..." yadda yadda yadda... "cordially extends an invitation to Twilight Sparkle plus one guest."

The two ponies glance at each other excitedly.

Applejack and Twilight: The Grand Galloping Gala!

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 3: The Ticket Master

Applejack and Twilight: The Grand Galloping Gala!

Spike: You just said that.

The pair hops around giddily. Spike gags, but proceeds to belch up two golden tickets.

Twilight: The tickets! Oh, this is so exciting! I've never been to the gala, have you, Spike?

Spike: No. They have a strict "no slaves" policy. I tried to tell the guards I'm an indentured servant, but-

Twilight (interrupting with a sigh): You're really running that phrase into the ground, you know that?

Applejack: Can you just imagine? Oh, I'd love to go! Why, if I had an apple stand set up, ponies would be chowin' on our tasty vittles 'til the cows came home. Do you have any idea how much business I could drum up for Sweet Apple Acres? With all that money, we could do a heap of fixin' up around here. We could replace that saggy old roof! Big Macintosh could replace that saggy old plow! And Granny Smith could replace those saggy old... well, you get the idea.

Twilight: It sounds very important to you.

Applejack: I'd give my left hind leg to go to that gala. And my right to see it run by someone other than Celestia, but hey, ya can't have everything I suppose.

Spike: Like half your legs, apparently.

Twilight: Well, in that case, would you like to...

Rainbow: Whoooaaa!

Rainbow Dash crashes to the ground between Twilight and Applejack.

Rainbow: Are we talking about the Grand GALLOPING Gala?!

Twilight: By your emphasis, am I to infer there's a different gala with a similarly alliterative naming scheme which could cause confusion?

Rainbow: Well, the Grand Gallivanting Gala... but there's no reason you'd have heard of it.

In the past.

At the Grand Gallivanting Gala.

There is loud music, flashing lights, and the dance floor is filled entirely with same sex couples.

Rainbow (to a nearby pony): I don't actually belong here. It was one "Ellen" taping, that's it!

In the present.

Applejack: Rainbow Dash. You told me you were too busy to help me harvest apples. What were you busy doing? Spyin'?

Rainbow: No. I was busy napping.

Rainbow points to a blanket and pillow on the branch of a nearby tree.

Twilight: I guess every pony overslept today.

Rainbow (to Twilight): I just happened to hear that you have an extra ticket?

Twilight: Yeah, but-

Rainbow: YES! This is so awesome! The Wonder Bolts perform at the Grand Galloping Gala every year. I can see it now... everyone would be watching the sky. Their eyes riveted on the Wonder Bolts. But then, in would fly... Rainbow Dash! I would draw their attention with my Super Speed Strut. Then, I would mesmerize them with my Fantastic Filly Flash. And for my grand finale, the Buccaneer Blaze! The ponies would go wild! The Wonder Bolts would insist that my signature moves be incorporated into their routine, and then... welcome me as their newest member!

Spike: It wouldn't happen like that.

Rainbow (continuing unfazed): Don't you see, Twilight? This could be my one chance to show 'em my stuff! You've gotta take me!

Applejack grabs Rainbow Dash by the tail.

Applejack: Hold on just one pony pickin' minute here! I asked for that ticket first.

Rainbow: So? I asked for it better!

Applejack: I was Twilight's friend first. You didn't even like her 'til after we beat Nightmare Moon!

Rainbow: So? We're friends now! And besides, my reasons make more sense.

Applejack: Hardly. Twilight, ya gotta keep in mind, I'm thinking about my family first, but when I'm at the Gala, I can talk up my films to some VERY powerful executives. It could jump start my entire directing career!

Rainbow: She just stole the "jump starting her career" thing from me!

Applejack: I did not!

Rainbow: You don't even know filmmakers attend the Grand Galloping Gala!

Applejack: That's it. I challenge you to a hoof rassle. Winner gets the ticket.

Rainbow: No problem.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash bolt to a nearby tree stump and begin hoof wrestling, glaring at each other the whole time.

Twilight: Girls!

Twilight pushes the two ponies away from each other.

Twilight: These are my tickets. I'll decide who gets it, thank you very much. Whoever has the best reason to go should get the ticket, don't you think?

Rainbow: A chance to audition for the Wonder Bolts!

Applejack: Drummin' up business for the farm!

Rainbow: Living the dream!

Applejack: Livin' MY dream!

Twilight: Oh dear. Those are all pretty good reasons, aren't they?

Twilight's stomach growls loudly once again.

Twilight: Heh heh, listen to that. I am starving. I don't know about you, but I can't make important decisions on an empty stomach.

As she talks, Twilight slowly backs away from her friends, levitating Spike onto her back.

Twilight: So, I'll uhh... think about it over lunch and get back to you two. Ok?

Twilight hurriedly walks away from the farm.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash (dejectedly): Ok...

The two ponies make eye contact and, narrowing their brows, immediately resume their unresolved hoof wrestling match.

In Ponyville.

Spike: So who are you gonna give the ticket to, Twilight?

Twilight: I don't know, Spike. They both had such good reasons.

Spike: Really? Rainbow Dash wants to impede a professionally choreographed performance, and Applejack wants to peddle cheap wares on uninterested customers. I'd say neither of them has a good reason to go.

Twilight: Don't forget, Applejack also wants to get herself noticed as a filmmaker.

Spike: Right. Schmoozing. Hollywood execs just love schmoozing.

Twilight: Sure they do. Why do you think Michael Bay keeps landing gigs?

It is the middle of the afternoon. Crickets are still audible in the silence following Twilight's joke.

Spike: What have I told you about attempting humor, Twilight?

Twilight: Don't. You told me don't.

Spike: And yet-

Twilight: Oh, Spike. If I don't keep trying, I'll never get better. And if I never get better, I'll never come any closer to discovering the comedic formula!

Spike: I don't think it exists.

Twilight: There's a mathematical formula to everything, Spike. And I suspect THIS one involves an infinite sum. Because sigmas look really cool!

Twilight squeals nerdily to herself, and her stomach immediately growls again.

Twilight: But I can little more do math on an empty stomach than I can make decisions. So where should we eat?

Spike (sarcastically): I don't know, I'm so hungry it's hard to decide.

As Spike talks, Twilight walks in front of Sugarcube Corner, and Pinkie Pie comes flying out the front door.

Pinkie (speaking rapidly): Twilight let's play a game it's called "Pinkie flies out the door to greet Twilight!"

Pinkie collides with Twilight, sending both the unicorn and Spike careening to the ground. The tickets soar into the air, delicately wafting down onto Pinkie's face.

Pinkie: AHHH!

Pinkie jumps into the air.

Pinkie: Bats! Bats on my face! Gold bats... Golbats! Victory Road flashbacks! HELP!!!

Pinkie runs in a frantic circle before stopping to observe her "bats."

Pinkie: Wait... these aren't... tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala?!

Pinkie's gaze goes starry, an irony Twilight takes note of, but does not mention.

Pinkie: It's the most amazing, incredible, tremendous, super most wonderful, terrifically humongous party in all of Equestria! I've always always always wanted to go!

Pinkie's mysterious background music cues up once again.

Pinkie (singing): Oh the Grand Galloping Gala is the best place for me, 'Cause they've got an open bar and the drinks are all free, hip hip, hooray, it's the best place for me, for Pinkieee!

Pinkie (spoken interlude): With decorations like streamers and fairy lights and pinwheels and piñatas and pincushions! With goodies like sazerac and bacardi and pink ladies and blue lagoons and sarsaparilla... that's spiked! And I get to play my favoritest of favorite fantabulous games like pin the tail on the pony!

Pinkie (singing again): Oh the Grand Galloping Gala is the best place for me, although it's bound to be a blur inside my memory, 'Cause it's the most galarrific superly terrific gala ever in the whole galaxy! Wheee!

Pinkie hops right up to Twilight's face.

Pinkie: Oh, thank you Twilight. It's the most wonderfulest gift ever!

Twilight: Um... actually...

Spike picks up the tickets, but as he does so, he hears Rarity gasp behind him.

Rarity: Are these what I think they are?!

Pinkie: Yes, yes, yes! Twilight's taking me to the Grand Galloping Gala in Canterlot!

Rarity: Not the tickets! Spike, your calves! They're so... sculpted. Have you been working out? You HAVE been working out!

Spike: Actually, I'm incapable of gaining muscle mass. We can thank our good friend Fluttershy for that.

Fluttershy(smiling): Oh, you're welcome.

Fluttershy descends to the ground among the other ponies.

Twilight: Where did you come from?

Fluttershy: I saw every pony arbitrarily loitering over here, so I dropped by.

Pinkie: Have you heard where Twilight's taking me? The Grand Galloping Gala! I never even asked; she just knew!

Fluttershy: Oh, Twilight, are you taking us places now? Can I request the zoo? I need an accomplice to help liberate a family of koalas. For science.

Rarity: Koala bears?! But they'll cover you in filth!

Fluttershy: See, that's why. Koalas aren't bears. They're marsupials. But no pony seems to understand that, and they still say "koala bear." It just decimates the poor creature's fragile self-esteem. Once they're in my lab, I'll inject them all with a special cocktail of black bear, polar bear, and panda bear DNA I mixed up. Then I'll release them into the wild to propagate, and in a few generations, they'll be literal koala BEARS thrice over! They won't have to feel repressed anymore.

Twilight: I, uhh...

Fluttershy: Will you help me? I already bought your ski mask!

Fluttershy tosses a ski mask to Twilight.

Fluttershy: They were out of unicorn masks, so you'll have to make the horn hole yourself... I hope that's ok...

Spike: Heh, heh. "Horn hole."

Rarity: Oh yes, Spike, I agree. Innuendo is my favorite type of humor. You truly have impeccable taste in... you... you...

Rarity audibly gasps once again.

Rarity: Pinkie, did you say tickets to the GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!

Twilight: Have you not been listening this whole time?

Spike: She was lost in my calves, remember?

Rarity: They are easy to get lost in- NO! I must resist! Focus on the gala! Twilight, I design ensembles for the gala every year... but I've never had the opportunity to attend. Oh, the society, the culture, the glamour! It's where I truly belong, and where I'm destined to meet... him!

Pinkie: Him!

After a pause.

Pinkie: Who?

Rarity: Him. I would stroll through the gala, and everyone would wonder: "Who is that mysterious mare?" They would never guess that I was just a simple pony from little old Ponyville. Why, I would cause such a sensation that I would be invited for an audience with Princess Celestia herself. Oh, I would pay lip service, act with the proper reverence. She would never suspect a thing, and she would be so taken with my style and elegance, that she would introduce me to him! Her nephew, the most handsome, eligible unicorn stallion in Canterlot! Our eyes would meet. Our hearts would melt. Our courtship would be magnificent! He would ask for my hoof in marriage, and of course I would say "YES!" We would have a royal wedding, befitting a princess, which is what I would become upon marrying him! The stallion of my dreams.

Spike: Wait, how does Celestia have a nephew? Was Nightmare Moon sending babies down from the moon? And didn't he get the short end of the stick genetically if he's JUST a unicorn? And you can't be princess; Celestia and Luna already have that title. Although they should just call themselves queens, really. Also, do you even know his name?!

Pinkie: Hey, I just thought of something; you can't keep admiring Spike if you're married, you know!

Twilight: Indeed. Adultery is wrong.

Fluttershy: Bunnies don't believe in adultery.

Rarity: I wasn't finished. You see, once I'm a princess, member of the royal court, whatever you wish to call it, then the true plan will come to fruition! I will ensure my husband knows I'm VERY into, how shall we say, role playing. Indeed, nothing will arouse me more than the thought of sleeping with an assassin who has infiltrated Canterlot with one singular purpose: the elimination of Princess Celestia. No doubt he will resist at first, finding my fetish distasteful. However, he will come to find his rewards for playing along to be... irresistible. But I will grow weary. Mere role playing will not excite me as it once did. He'll have to spice it up. He'll need... PROPS! And one prop above all: a journal, detailing, at length, the status of his mission, and his intention behind the assassination. Oh, when he updates that journal in front of me, there's nothing in the world I'll say no to. So he'll update. Frequently. But then, one night, Celestia will find a mysterious book in her quarters: a journal, in her nephew's own hoofwriting, all addressed to his master: Princess Luna! Oh, did I leave that part out? Yes, in my fantasy, the assassin will work for Luna. That part will REALLY get me going in the bedroom! Celestia will, of course, see it as a power play, and my husband will be executed, or banished to the moon, or the sun, or... whatever. Then sister will turn upon sister once again! Chaos will erupt in Canterlot, and it is at that exact moment my army will STRIKE!

Rarity slams her hoof into the ground as she says "STRIKE!"

Rarity: They will take the city with little opposition, the sisters will have no choice but to surrender, and I will take my rightful place upon the throne!

Rarity raises her hooves into the air and laughs maniacally.

Twilight: So... you aren't actually in love with Celestia's nephew.

Rarity: Well, no... but I have to work on the act early. It's going to get a lot more strenuous than just saying it!

Twilight: I'll keep that in mind...

Fluttershy: Um... girls?

Everyone turns to Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: Oh, Twilight specifically, I just thought maybe... maybe just briefly... you'd like to hear why I could go to the gala... if you haven't given it to someone else.

Rarity: You?! You want to go to the gala?!

Fluttershy: Oh, no... I mean, yes, or actually, kind of. You see, it's not so much the Grand galloping Gala as it is the wondrous private gated garden that surrounds the dance. The flowers are said to be the most beautiful and fragrant in all of Equestria! For the night of the gala, and that night alone, will they all be in bloom.

Spike: They schedule the gala around flowers?

Fluttershy: It's true. But that's just the flora! Don't get me started on the fauna. There's toucans, pink flamingoes, buzzards and bitterns, blue jays and red jays and green jays and pink jays... why, with a few avian pheromones, just imagine the interspecies mating we could encourage, with the flowers in bloom to set the mood. There would be so many new birds for all of Equestria to enjoy!

Twilight: Gee, Fluttershy, it sounds... beautiful?

Rainbow (from atop a nearby roof): Wait just a minute!

Twilight: Rainbow Dash! Were you following me?

Rainbow lands in front of Twilight.

Rainbow: No, I mean yes, I mean maybe! Look, it doesn't matter! I couldn't risk a goody four-shoes like you giving that ticket away to just anybody!

Applejack: Wait just another minute!

Applejack walks up.

Twilight: Applejack? Were you following me too?!

Applejack (pointing to Rainbow Dash): No, I was following this one to make sure she didn't try any funny business!

Pinkie: Ooh, funny business? You mean like how she just said "anybody" again?

Applejack: That's right! I didn't even catch that! Rainbow Dash, you know "anybody" ain't a word. "Everybody" neither.

Rainbow: Really? We're gonna bring this up right now?

Applejack: It just proves ya ain't fit for the gala if ya can't even speak good grammatically!

Rarity: Indeed, it's... not a word, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: We all have bodies. "Everybody." It's perfectly logical!

Fluttershy: It's not gonna happen... I'm sorry...

Pinkie: You can't just make up words.

Rainbow: You do it all the time!

Pinkie: Oh yeah! Why did I even start this argument?

Pinkie falls to the ground laughing.

Applejack: Ya gotta quit tryin' to force them words on us. "Everybody" just don't make no sense. End of story.

Rainbow: It makes perfect sense!

Applejack: Maybe 'cause your brain's all twisted up with lesbian thoughts, but it don't add up for the rest of us.

Rainbow: Excuse me?! First of all, it was one Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, that's it! And it had good articles! Second of all, that's intolerant!

Applejack: Yeah? Well that's southern.

Rainbow: That's prejudiced.

Applejack: Against my own kin?

Rainbow: That's ironic.

Applejack: That's hipster.

Rainbow: That's liberal.

Applejack: That's... I...

Rainbow: Checkmate.

Spike (to Twilight): Jeez, you can cut the sexual tension between those two with a knife.

Pinkie (chiming in): A butter knife!

Applejack: I don't know how you think you won that little debate, but you're provin' me right for followin' ya. You're clearly still after my ticket.

Rainbow: YOUR ticket?!

Pinkie: Wait... Twilight's taking me!

All five ponies, including Fluttershy, engage in an indecipherable shouting match over the extra ticket. Twilight merely lays down on the ground and buries her face. After enduring enough hostility, Twilight finally loses her patience.

Twilight: QUIEEEET!!!!

Every pony shuts up.

Pinkie: And then I said "Mixing club soda with soda, are you crazy?"

After a moment.

Pinkie (embarrassed): Oh.

Twilight: Girls. There's no use in arguing.

Rarity: But Twilight-

Twilight: No. This is my decision. And I'm gonna make it on my own. And I certainly can't think straight with all this noise!

Twilight's stomach growls loudly once again.

Twilight: Not to mention hunger. Now go on. Shoo!

Twilight's friends all walk away from her, each pony mumbling under her breath.

Twilight (yelling): And don't worry, I'll figure this out... somehow...

Later that afternoon, Twilight and Spike are sitting outside at a nearby restaurant.

Twilight (sighing): Spike, what am I gonna do? All five of my best friends have really good reasons to go to the gala.

Spike: Really, this again? Ignoring Applejack and Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy doesn't even WANT to go to the gala, Pinkie Pie just wants to get drunk, and Rarity's trying to set a Machiavellian scheme in motion that culminates in the hostile takeover of Canterlot.

Twilight: That's all just talk.

Spike: Then again, it's not exactly tough to be a better ruler than Celestia...

Twilight: How do I choose?! I mean... I could give up my ticket and give away two, but that would still leave three disappointed ponies!

Spike: Hey, yeah, why not just do that? You'd probably just lock up and start talking about antiderivatives or something if you went to the gala anyway.

Twilight: But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity!

Spike: It's really not. It's an annual event! Speaking of which... that letter where Princess Celestia "announced" the gala, that wasn't an announcement at all! It would be news if there WASN'T a gala! She just likes the sound of her own voice.

Twilight: Spike, that's not helping!

Spike: I agree. Her voice does grate.

Twilight: No, I meant-

A waiter walks up to the table.

Waiter: Excuse me, madame.

Twilight: Finally! I've been waiting all day.

Waiter: Yes, I apologize for the delay. But I'm afraid I must ask, does your, um... slave have a permit for this restaurant?

Spike: What?

Twilight: Does he need one?

Waiter: Dragons must obtain individual permits to use any facilities in Ponyville.

Twilight: Oh my. Any facilities?

Waiter: All facilities.

Spike: Even restrooms?!

Waiter: Especially restrooms.

Twilight: Where would we go to obtain such a thing?

Spike: I'll tell you what, I'll go ahead and order the hay fries, and you can shove 'em up your-

Mayor: I'll handle this.

The Mayor of Ponyville, who is sitting at a nearby table, lowers the newspaper that had been hiding her face and walks over to Twilight.

Mayor: Ponyville's dragon laws are outdated; no one's owned slaves here in a hundred years. Nonetheless, they are still in effect. Princess Celestia's decree tied my hooves; Spike has to live here, so you sidestepped the property tax, but I can't rewrite the book for you. He'll have to start earning permits.

Spike: This is ridiculous! I had more rights in Canterlot, of all places!

A twisted smile crosses Spike's lips. He turns to the waiter.

Spike: Wanna know something? If we were in Canterlot, I could date your daughter. How does that make you feel?

Waiter: My daughter is dead.

Spike: Oh. I'm... sorry.

Twilight: Waiter, I'd still like to place an order, if I may.

Waiter: Yes, madame?

Twilight: I'll take a dragon burger. Hold the mayo.

Spike: Twilight!

Twilight: Sorry, Spike. They're good.

Waiter: Scaled or descaled?

Twilight: Scaled, if you would.

Waiter: Excellent choice.

Twilight: And I'd like an order of hay fries, too. For anyone around who might want some.

Twilight winks at Spike, and the dragon smiles ever so briefly.

Spike: Extra crispy!

Twilight: Extra crispy.

Waiter: Very well.

The waiter takes Twilight's menu and walks away.

Mayor: You know, it's within my power to grant Spike a blanket permit for the entire town.

Twilight: Is it expensive?

Mayor: That depends... I couldn't help but overhear your dilemma... regarding the extra ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala.

Twilight: Mayor! You too?!

Mayor: Oh, I'm much too old for any dancing. But I hear the food is just to die for. And it always pays to have friends in office.

Twilight: Celestia is my friend.

Mayor: Riiighht... should've seen that one coming.

Twilight: I'm sorry, Mayor. My answer is no.

The Mayor shrugs as she walks away.

Mayor: Oh well. Worth a try, anyway.

Spike: Well, that's one less possibility.

Twilight: She's an outlier! She wasn't even up for consideration!

Later, after much circular reasoning from Twilight regarding which friend should receive the ticket, the waiter returns with her food.

Waiter (setting the food on the table): Here you are, madame.

Twilight: Thank you.

The waiter turns to Spike.

Waiter: And for your information, sir, were my daughter still alive, and were she to bring you home, I would quickly introduce you to a couple friends of mine. Two barrels, to be precise.

Spike: How charming.

Waiter: And by that I mean my double barreled shotgun.

Spike: I got that.

The waiter's voice grows steadily more unhinged with each passing sentence.

Waiter: And by that I mean my Remington Spartan sawed off 12 gauge.

Spike: Thanks for the specificity.

Waiter: And by that I mean my pride and joy, that I love more than I loved my wife and children.

Spike (in a high pitched, mocking voice): "And by that I mean..."

Waiter: And by that I mean my pride and joy I used to eliminate my insufferable wife and children.

Spike: ...what?

Waiter: And by that, I mean I'm wanted in six provinces!

Twilight (interjecting): OK! Thank you for the food, sir, but I'd like to enjoy my meal now.

Waiter (immediately resuming his formal tone): Very good, madame.

The waiter walks away.

Spike: See if he gets a tip.

Twilight: Oh, Spike, he was just giving you a hard time. He wouldn't tell us if he'd ACTUALLY murdered his family.

Spike: You really assume the best in ponies, don't you?

Twilight: I try to, now that I have friends. It's completely new territory for me.

As she speaks, Twilight becomes visibly downtrodden.

Twilight: And I'm just afraid I'm gonna lose them all already over this ticket thing...

Spike takes a bite of fries.

Spike: Hey, these aren't crispy at all!

Twilight levitates the burger to her mouth, ready to finally take her first bite of food for the day, when a herd of ponies stampedes past her, running for nearby shelter.

Twilight: What's going on?

Lightning cracks, and suddenly the sky is covered with rain clouds. There is, however, a convenient hole in the clouds sparing Twilight's table from the downpour. Rainbow Dash peeks her head through the hole.

Rainbow: Hi there best friend forever I've ever ever had. Enjoying the sunny weather?

Twilight: Rainbow Dash, what are you doing?

Rainbow: What do you mean? I just saw the smartest, most generous pony about to get rained on, so I thought I'd kick a hole in the clouds to keep her dry so she could dine in peace. That's all.

Twilight: Rainbow, you're not trying to get extra consideration for the extra ticket by doing me extra special favors, are you?

Spike: Extra credit if you reply without the word "extra."

Rainbow: Me? Of course not. I'd go the extra mile for any pony... dang it!

Twilight looks around at the ponies running frantically while getting rained on.

Twilight: Uh huh.

Rainbow giggles nervously.

Twilight: Rainbow, I am not comfortable accepting unwanted favors, so I'd appreciate it if you'd close up that rain cloud right now.

Rainbow: Ughh... fine.

Rainbow zips up the rain cloud.

Twilight: That's better.

Twilight levitates her burger once again, but gets summarily soaked by the rain. Spike continues eating his fries.

Spike: Not like these are getting any worse.

Rarity, with full umbrella saddle in tow, walks up.

Rarity: Twilight, my dear, you simply must come with me before you catch a cold.

Rarity whisks Twilight and Spike away to the Carousel Boutique. Inside, Twilight callously shakes the water off her fur, drenching Rarity.

Twilight (nervously): Whoops... sorry.

Rarity (theatrically): Oh no, it's quite all right. After all, we are the best of friends are we not? And you know what the best of friends do?

Twilight: Nothing involving tickets, I should hope.

Rarity (sing-song): MAKEOVER!

Rarity levitates a courtesy wall in front of her and Twilight before forcing one of her latest designs on the unsuspecting pony.

Spike: Putting on clothes requires more privacy than wearing none?

Despite Twilight's struggles, Rarity finally gets the saddle on properly. The moment her masterpiece is fully fastened, Rarity sends the wall flying away.

Rarity: There. Oh, you're simply darling.

Twilight's Mind: Error! Subjective analysis required; insufficient data in pertinent knowledge base. Employing base positive adjective to circumvent issue.

Twilight: Uhh... yeah, it is kinda pretty, isn't it?

Spike exaggeratedly gags himself as Rarity runs up to him.

Rarity: And you! Oh Spike, I have a dandy little outfit for the dashing gent. Something to really accentuate your...

Rarity growls the next word.

Rarity: Physique.

The wall comes flying into the room once again, and before Spike knows it, he finds himself in a posh outfit Rarity embroidered just for him. The fashionista removes the wall once again so Twilight can see.

Rarity: Oh my. You look positively royal. Ready for the throne, even... right next to mine.

Rarity turns to Twilight.

Rarity: Don't get any ideas, Twilight! HE'S MINE!

Twilight: Legally, he's mine, but I understand your meaning.

Spike retches as he tugs at the clothing clinging to his body.

Spike: I'm not even allowed at the gala! I don't want any part of this. See you back at the library!

Spike flees the building, leaving his getup behind.

Rarity (giggling): Who needs him anyway? He'll come around. My allure always wins out. But today is all about you, Twilight Sparkle.

Rarity pulls a mirror in front of Twilight.

Rarity: And how fabulous you'll look at the Grand Galloping Gala.

Twilight: I knew it.

Rarity (gasping): And, what a coincidence, I happen to have an ensemble of my own that matches yours to a "t."

Twilight: I see what's going on. You're just buttering me up so I'll give you the extra ticket.

Rarity: I... wasn't trying to hide it. I don't make a habit of giving out my handiwork for free, you know. That's hardly a sustainable business model.

Twilight: Well it's not going to work.

Twilight begins removing the saddle.

Rarity: No, Twilight, don't you see? In these matching getups, we will be the belles of the ball, you and I. Everyone will be clamoring for our attention; all eyes will be on us! And then everyone would finally know the most beautiful, most talented, most sophisticated pony in all of Equestria is Rarity the unicorn!

After a pause.

Rarity: And you're no slouch either, of course.

Twilight: You just wrapped a compliment for me inside an even bigger compliment for yourself. THAT'S an unsustainable business model!

Rarity: Politicians do it all the time!

Twilight: You're not a politician!

Rarity (darkly): Yet.

Twilight fully removes the saddle and walks toward the door.

Twilight: You're going to have to wait for my decision just like everyone else. Now if you'll excuse me, I've been trying all day just to get some lunch!

Applejack leans inside.

Applejack: Did some pony say lunch?

Rarity: You know she did.

Applejack: Stay out of this, "your highness."

Rarity (gasping): Is that any way to talk to your commanding officer?!

Applejack: Sugar, there's a different war goin' on right now. And it's every pony for herself.

Rarity: We share a common goal. You should WANT me at the gala!

Applejack: Your plan ain't the right way to go about it. And I gotta put my family's interests first. But speakin' of family...

Applejack drags Twilight outside, where it has miraculously stopped raining. A delicious wheelbarrow full of home-cooked treats awaits her.

Twilight: You've got to be kidding me!

Applejack: I got apple fritters, apple tarts, apple strudel... ya know, pretty much that whole spiel I made the first time we met, copy and paste it on in here; save me some time in the editing room. You name it, I got it. Whaddaya say there, best friend?

Twilight's stomach growls audibly.

Applejack: Is that a yes?

Twilight: No, no! I'm not sure who I'm giving the ticket to, and all these favors aren't making it any easier to decide. In fact, I'm less sure now than I was this morning!

Twilight screams as she runs away from Applejack.

Applejack: So... that's a maybe?

Outside the library.

Twilight (groaning): I never thought being showered with favors would be so aggravating!

Twilight opens the door to discover Fluttershy and a whole host of small animals cleaning the library. Fluttershy sings as she works.

Twilight: Fluttershy...

Fluttershy: Oh, well, hello Twilight.

Spike: I was upstairs when they came in. They didn't even knock.

Fluttershy descends to the ground and hugs Spike tightly.

Fluttershy: Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope we didn't startle you...

As she speaks, Fluttershy pulls out a small syringe and injects it into Spike's back. The sensation is imperceptible beneath the dragon's thick scales.

Spike (oozing contempt): Let go of me, Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: Of course.

Fluttershy lets go of Spike and turns to Twilight.

Fluttershy: We're all doing a little spring cleaning for you; I hope you don't mind.

Twilight: It's summer.

Fluttershy: Oh, well, better late than never, right? It was Hoover's idea.

An unholy combination of rabbit and vacuum cleaner glides across the room and bumps lovingly into Twilight.

Twilight: AHHHH!! What in Equestria is that?!

Fluttershy: Well, you see, from a young age, Hoover always had a passion for cleaning. I wanted so badly to help him maximize his output, and he already had the name for it, so... meet the world's first vacuuming rabbit! The racuum.

Twilight: You fuse animals with inanimate objects, too?!

Fluttershy: Only ones that take an electrical charge. The brain is nature's wall socket.

Twilight: Ok...

Twilight steps delicately away from the racuum.

Twilight: Let me just ask you one question.

Fluttershy: Anything.

Twilight: You're not doing this for the ticket, are you?

Fluttershy: Oh no, I'm doing this because you're my very best friend. Right Hoover?

Hoover bumps angrily into Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: Oh. Yes, we are just doing this for the ticket.

Hoover glides across the room to bump into a counter with a fresh salad sitting atop it, specially prepared to slake Twilight's hunger.

Twilight: No, no, no!

Twilight heads for the door, opening it with magic.

Twilight: Well, this was all very nice of you and Hoover, but I am not accepting any extra favors until I've made my final decision.

Fluttershy: But no one's gonna give extra favors after that.

Twilight (continuing unfazed): I have to ask you to leave.

As Twilight says "leave," confetti and streamers are thrown in her face, background music starts up, a group of ponies shouts "SURPRISE!" and Pinkie Pie whisks her outside.

Pinkie (singing): Twilight is my bestest friend, whoopee, whoopee.

A group of ponies throws Twilight into the air.

Twilight: Pinkie.

Pinkie: She's the cutest, smartest, all-around best pony, pony.

The ponies throw Twilight into air again.

Twilight: Pinkie.

Pinkie: I bet if I throw a super duper fun party, party...

The ponies throw Twilight into the air again.

Twilight: Pinkie.

Pinkie: She'll give her extra ticket to the gala to me!

The ponies throw Twilight into the air again.

Twilight: PINKIEEEE!!!

Startled, the crowd of ponies disperses.

Pinkie: Yes, Twilight?

Twilight falls back to the ground, but the fall is cushioned by a certain pink party pony who, in a moment of excitement, ran directly underneath her, paying no heed to basic physics. Pinkie Pie's spine is shattered instantaneously. Every pony gasps.

Twilight (looking around): Ok... she does NOT get the ticket just because I killed her.

Random pony: Call the Mayor!

Twilight: It's not a big deal...

The Mayor parts the crowd.

Mayor: I'm already here. What's going on?

Random pony: Twilight killed Pinkie Pie!

Mayor (adjusting her glasses): So she did.

Twilight: It was an accident! And it was really her fault!

Mayor: I'll add her to the board.

Twilight: The board?!

Mayor: Every pony in Ponyville is listed on a board in my office. Whenever someone kills Pinkie Pie, one mark is added to their tally. Of course, the rules state it can't be outright murder, of course; it must be an accident. Fortunately, Pinkie is quite accident prone. The first pony whose tally reaches a hundred gets a special surprise from Pinkie herself.

Twilight: That's sick!

Mayor: Take it up with her. She came up with the board. Said it would be good for a laugh.

Random pony: Add Nightmare Moon as well!

Mayor: Yes... I suppose I can put a tally under Princess Luna. Though I should hope we won't be seeing her again anytime soon.

The Mayor begins walking away, but stops herself and turns around.

Mayor: On the bright side, choose quickly, Twilight, and you've got one less pony vying for your ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala. Should help you out a bit.

The Mayor trots off.

Random pony: Wait, that's the ticket Pinkie was referring to?!

Random pony: THAT'S the gala?

Every pony: THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!

Lyra (scoffing): Well, it certainly wasn't the Gallivanting Gala. Have you SEEN her?

Individual ponies begin approaching Twilight, accosting her with favors and compliments.

Junebug: Have I ever told you how much I love your mane?

Green Hoof: Would you like any help with your gardening?

Carrot Top: I've got a cart load of extra carrots.

Derpy: Don't you think you owe me?

Overwhelmed, Twilight screams and bolts away from the crowd, which hastily pursues. The chase persists, seemingly covering the entire town, before Twilight finally gets cornered in a narrow alley. Out of desperation, and against her will, a giant orb of light radiates from her horn, and she disappears in front of every pony's eyes, reappearing inside her library. Spike jumps at her appearance.

Spike: Warn me next time you're gonna do that!

Twilight (reeling): I didn't even know it was gonna happen. Now quick, lock the doors!

Twilight and Spike shut the doors, bolt the windows, turn off every light, and blow out every candle in the library. Twilight breathes in the comforting darkness.

Twilight: You know, I read a book once, "Mob Mentality: Godfather III Isn't Canon," but it didn't prepare me for that at all!

Applejack (muttering): Coppola's such a sellout.

Hearing another voice, Spike hurriedly flips the light back on, and Twilight finds the living members of the Mane Six eagerly staring at her from atop a balcony. Covering her face, she lets out an agonized scream.

Twilight: I can't decide, I just can't decide! It's important to all of you, and I just can't stand to disappoint any of you-

In the past.

Twilight: Oh, I’m terribly sorry; I fear there’s been a misunderstanding. If you are propositioning my friendship, I must graciously decline.

In the present.

Twilight: -and giving me gifts and doing me favors won't make any difference, because you're all my friends, and I want to make you all happy, because if I don't... if I don't, you won't be my friends any more...

Twilight lays on the ground, hooves over head.

The ponies step down from the balcony.

Applejack: Aw, sugar, is that what you think? None of us have ever said anything about not being your friend.

In the past.

Rainbow: I take it back. I don’t not like you, Twilight. I hate you.

In the present.

Applejack: So don't you worry none about that, ya hear? I-I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you. And if it helps, I don't want the ticket anymore. You can give it to some pony else. I won't feel bad.

Twilight: Really?

Applejack: No, that's a lie, and it flies in the face of my Element of Harmony... but that's how ya know I'm sincere.

Applejack places a hoof on Twilight's shoulder.

Applejack: I gotta think about my friends, after all.

Fluttershy: Hoover just feels awful that he made you feel so awful. He's been driving around in circles all evening. Oh, and I feel bad too.

Rarity: Twilight, it was unfair of me to try to force you as I did. I must remember my authority does not yet match my aspirations.

Rainbow: YES! Assuming Pinkie forfeited her claim by dying, the ticket is mine by default!

Rainbow dances excitedly in the air as everyone glowers at her. She laughs nevervously.

Rainbow: Ya know... the Buccaneer Blaze still needs some work anyway. And maybe a name change; it's kinda butch. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Applejack: We all got so gung-ho about goin' to the gala, that we couldn't see how un gung-ho we were makin' you.

Every Pony: We're sorry, Twilight.

Twilight smiles as she looks into all her friends' faces.

Twilight: These tickets are a blessing. But like a Trojan horse, they bring with them an unforeseen darkness.

Rainbow: I'll say. I met a Trojan horse at a bar once, turned out just to be a guy in drag. And I thought it was just her "hoof" jutting out of her skirt...

Twilight: Like an appendage of questionable origin making its presence known beneath a mare's skirt, these tickets have not lived up to expectations. Without enough to go around, a blessing is a curse in disguise. That is why I cannot accept these tickets. They must be destroyed.

Every Pony: What?!

Twilight levitates the tickets in front of her.

Twilight: I understand that by shredding the tickets, rather than returning them, Princess Celestia will be forced to print two replacements, cutting into Canterlot's bottom line. This will not be a problem, as she will undoubtedly raise taxes on the upper brackets to compensate.

Applejack: Ain't that the truth?

Twilight: And besides, if I can't go to the Grand Galloping Gala with my best friends, how can I enjoy myself? I'd rather not go at all. Shredding them is symbolic of how much I care for you girls.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie bursts through the door, breaking the lock.

Pinkie: Twilight, I'll just die if you gave away the ticket while I was dead! Get it, that's a joke!

Pleased with her friend's return, Twilight smiles as she uses her magic to rip the tickets to shreds. Mortified at the sight, Pinkie gasps loudly then falls over dead.

Twilight: Two in one day. Is that a record?

Rarity: Oh, not even close.

Spike burps so loudly it echoes throughout the hall.

Applejack: You hungry, Spike?

Twilight: Another letter...

Spike picks up the scroll.

Spike: "My faithful student, Twilight: I sent you two tickets to test what you had learned in your short time in Ponyville. It's easy to bond with ponies under extraordinary circumstances like Nightmare Moon's return, but I had to make sure you could resolve smaller, day-to-day conflicts as well. I am pleased to say you passed with flying colors, though you could have simply returned the tickets. Nonetheless, here are seven tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. Make no mistake, the seventh is for Spike. I am temporarily lifting the dragon ban because I know he will hate the gala, and his cynicism amuses me. I am forever proud of you, Twilight Sparkle. Your mentor, Princess Celestia."

Every Pony: THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA!

Spike sighs and continues reading.

Spike: "P.S. Yes, I write quickly. P.P.S. Tell Spike to fix your door. P.P.P.S. Please inform your friend Applejack that Sweet Apple Acres now owes three percent of its revenue in retroactive back taxes."

Applejack: Aw, dangnabbit!

Spike: How did she know about the door?

Fluttershy: She has eyes everywhere.

Rarity (huffing haughtily): Not nearly so many as me.

Rainbow: You're missing the point! We're all going to the gala!

Twilight's stomach growls loudly.

Twilight: While this does call for a celebration, I haven't eaten all day-

Applejack: Say no more, sugarcube. We're takin' you to dinner. Our treat.

Twilight: Oh, thank you, girls! Spike, please fix the lock while I'm away.

Spike: But I'm hungry too...

The ponies excitedly leave the library, carefully stepping over Pinkie Pie's corpse on the way out.

Rainbow (mostly to herself): So you guys know that Trojan horse thing was just one time, right? It didn't mean anything.

Twilight: So, Applejack, what did you mean Coppola's a sellout?

Applejack: Well, it's really quite simple...

Later that night, Celestia receives a letter from Twilight.

Twilight's letter:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that Francis Ford Coppola didn't even want to make a sequel to The Godfather: Part II. However, he finally caved to studio pressure and financial concerns, and tarnished the legacy of a two-time Best Picture award-winning series in so doing. A formerly respectable director sold out, and this is why independents are the true artists. But really, it's filmmaking 101. If your trilogy is going to have a weak link, it MUST be the middle chapter. Lord of the Rings knew it, Three Colors knew it, Indiana Jones knew it, back when it was a trilogy, at least. Star Wars didn't know it, and just look how the prequel trilogy turned out. Coppola failed to uphold this tenant; want to know how his career's ended up? Ever heard of Tetro? Yeah, me neither. But he's a sellout, and just needs to step aside for the new generation of filmmakers, and their true underrated cult masterpieces like Sweet Apple Massacre. Friends are so full of interesting insight and opinions! Even more so than books, blasphemous though it feels to write that! I'll make sure to keep you informed of anything else I learn.

-Your student,

Twilight Sparkle

Celestia: I think she missed the point.

"Sweet Apple Massacre" Film Review- Canterlot Sun

A Multisensory Affront to the Very Essence of my Being

Review written by Wordy Dreamer

Sweet Apple Massacre0/5 stars

I was an idealistic filly. An unquenchable thirst for knowledge fueled me, and lofty dreams danced through my head each night like choreographed ballerinas performing to a symphony so majestic the stars themselves were moved to tears. My interests were broad and far-reaching, but my passion naturally honed itself to one simple topic: writing. My logophilia developed at a young age; the first pony in his class to get his Cutie Mark is often idolized by his peers, yet the dictionary on my flank inspired relentless ridicule. I harbor no resentment toward my fellow students; children can unwittingly be the cruelest members of society, and I took great solace in my writing each and every night.

You might expect the real world would squash my childish idealism at some point, with gleeful enthusiasm shining in its eyes as it took its cold, steel bat to me, little more than a hapless piñata. But I was resilient. I held on to hope. I majored in journalism at Canterlot University, amidst protestations and proclamations of my inevitable impoverishment from my parents. The next four years were the happiest of my life. I fell in with a crowd of like-minded ponies, I met my future wife, the lovely Azure Glow, I actually enjoyed, even relished, every homework assignment. (Although the reasoning behind including calculus in the core curriculum will forever elude me. The only derivative I need to recognize is the drivel being churned out by the Canterlot Times.) I graduated college and, yes, the job market was tough, but I landed my dream job after only three months of searching. Thank Celestia, just three months in, I was hired as a staff writer for the prestigious publication you now hold in your very hooves: the Canterlot Sun.

I was assigned to the entertainment section. Not my first choice, but I wasn’t about to complain. My first story was actually a film review. An indie horror film was debuting at the local cinema, and the Sun had already purchased my ticket. In case you haven’t yet realized, the review I speak of is the very review that now holds you in its mesmerizing thrall, assuming I’ve done my job right. If you find my writing distasteful and wish to critique it, the Sun accepts all reader mail, but do keep in mind it’s my first time. Please be gentle.

I was unprepared for Sweet Apple Massacre. In earnest, I don’t think one truly can be prepared. The film, a word I use only in the loosest sense, purports a merciful 88 minute runtime, but my time in the theater felt anything but brief. In film lovers’ parlance, imagine watching all four Indiana Jones films back to back. Now subvert that thought and imagine the only film is Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which you must now watch four times in a row, without interruption or respite. That, perhaps, begins to paint a picture of the crushing hopelessness that washed over me as Sweet Apple Massacre played unapologetically before my eyes.

This cinematic travesty comes to us courtesy of fledgling director Applejack, de facto matron of the long-standing Apple family which runs Sweet Apple Acres in Ponyville. Yes, you read that right. Even the title of this stinker is little more than a poorly constructed pun, and it’s actually the cleverest aspect of the whole movie. The plot, such as it is, revolves around a farmhand, Big Appletosh, who grows weary of his thankless job and kills everyone in sight. Was that summary too blunt? Did it, by any chance, lack a certain tact or grace in its writing and composition? Rest assured, it was quite deliberate. Such juvenile structuring is all an atrocity like Sweet Apple Massacre deserves. More, even.

Further details would require me to remember exact specifics of the film, something I swore to myself I would never do. What is there to say? The cinematography is on par with a home video doting parents might shoot of their filly walking for the first time, the soundtrack is seemingly composed of a rusty wire rake scraping across a very dusty chalkboard, the editing violates the 180 degree rule with impunity, the actors are literally, and obviously, reading their lines from cue cards being held slightly off screen (for added fun, try counting the number of times a cue card is caught on camera. I found seven, but I’m quite confident there are more, and it will no doubt make for an excellent drinking game), set design is nonexistent, and the lighting is comprised of flashlights hanging from strings. There is not a single element of the film’s production that even approaches competence. Even the title card, so important for a first impression, was written in Microsoft Word, using Comic Sans, of all fonts. I cannot stress this enough: Sweet Apple Massacre is not “so bad it’s good.” It’s not even “so bad it’s bad.” It’s so bad that words alone are too clumsy and imprecise to fully encompass the depth of the film’s depravity, as though Satan himself took up the art of directing just long enough to create an unholy fusion of image and sound with which to populate the movie theaters of hell. Metaphorically speaking, Applejack literally wrested this monstrosity from Lucifer’s cloven hooves, to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting Equestria. Do not mistake my tone as hyperbolic.

I said earlier that the Sun accepts reader mail, and that fact remains true. But you may wish to save your energy. Sweet Apple Massacre has changed my life in a myriad of ways I cannot yet fully comprehend. But I do know this: it finally accomplished what the world could not. My dreams have been shattered. This is my first ever published work and simultaneously my letter of resignation. I can no more be a journalist when THIS is the lifestyle to which I am subjected than an ant can comprehend the complexities of the biological processes perpetually transpiring in his diminutive little body. That is what Sweet Apple Massacre has taught me. We are all nothing more than ants, ambling about mired in our own futility, waiting only for the day when the great magnifying glass in the sky will come to light us ablaze, mercifully purging us of the vitriolic filth of our own creation.

The world is an ugly, ugly place.

Sweet Apple Massacre begins its limited run on Friday. Please don’t see it.

Editor's Note: Have I ever mentioned I love Friendship is Witchcraft? Probably, but I'm doing so again. Seriously, Friendship is Witchcraft is a very funny series, and Griffin Lewis and Jenny Nicholson are fantastic people. They recently recommended this very parody on their SherclopPones account, for which I'm incredibly grateful. If by some chance you're a fan of my parody but haven't seen FiW, check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/user/SherclopPones/featured

Episode 5: Griffon the Brush-Off

In the past.

A young Rainbow Dash, in full possession of her Cutie Mark, soars carefree through the sky. Another long afternoon of flight training has come to an end, and the filly is on her way home, eager to enjoy a brief respite before her evening workout. Arriving home in Cloudsdale, she opens her front door and walks inside.

Rainbow: Dad?

There is no response.

Rainbow (in a slightly different tone): Dad?

As her calls are met only with continued silence, Rainbow Dash shrugs; she clearly has the house to herself. She walks upstairs to her bedroom, where, upon opening the door, she discovers her father, Victory Dash, sitting solemnly upon the bed.

Rainbow (surprised): Dad! You’re home!

Victory: Sit down, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow nervously sits in a nearby chair.

Victory: Is there anything you’d like to tell me?

Rainbow: Well… I… came up with a new trick today. It’s called the Buccaneer Blaze…

Victory: It’s not about flying.

Rainbow: Not like I do much else…

Victory: You read.

Rainbow: Just magazines! Books are for eggheads!

Victory (sighing): Some day you’ll grow out of that childish phrase. In the meantime, your specific TASTE in magazines is what concerns me.

Victory reaches behind himself and picks up a pile of Maxim magazines, previously obscured by the stallion’s body. Rainbow Dash is mortified.

Rainbow: Where did you-

Victory: It’s Monday; I came in to vacuum your room. A corner of the magazine was jutting out from under the bed.

Rainbow: I can explain!

Victory: And when your father gets home, you’ll explain to us both.

Rainbow Dream (from the doorway): Explain what?

Rainbow Dash’s other father, Rainbow Dream, stands in the doorway. If possible, Rainbow Dash’s face falls even further. Victory Dash holds up a magazine.

Victory: Our daughter has been hoarding Maxims under our noses.

Dream (stifling laughter): Maxim? They still make that?

Victory: Evidently.

Dream (still laughing): I mean, hasn’t the internet pretty much-

Victory: Dream!

Coughing, Rainbow Dream regains his composure.

Dream: Right. Now, Rainbow Dash sweetie, why do you have these magazines?

Rainbow: I just- I just like the articles.

Rainbow Dream falls to the ground laughing.

Dream (fighting for air): The… articles!

Victory: I’m glad you find this so amusing.

Dream: It’s not… even… a real porno!

Victory: Which is hardly the issue.

Dream: It’s a rag!

Victory: With smutty pictures. Of mares!

Victory opens the magazine to a random page which, unsurprisingly, features a mare lying seductively in bed, making a sultry gaze toward the reader. Rainbow Dream gags.

Dream: Ugh, the framing is so amateur! The composition’s no better than a Polaroid!

Victory sighs exasperatedly.

Victory: Rainbow Dash, you know what we’ve told you about material like this.

Rainbow (staring at the floor): It’s only acceptable if it depicts stallions.

Victory: Which this clearly does not. You’re grounded, and we’re taking the magazines.

Dream: Lighten up, Vic. It’s just Maxim. I smuggled it when I was a colt.

Victory: You were confused!

Dream: So is she. And you’d think if ANY parents could empathize-

Victory: She’s attracted to stallions! Muscular, virile stallions bursting with unfettered reproductive potential.

Rainbow: Ew…

Dream: How are we any better than our own parents if we force our viewpoints onto our daughter?! We should focus on helping her instead of making a difficult transition worse!

Rainbow flies into the air.

Rainbow (struggling to maintain composure): ENOUGH! I’m not attracted to anybody! I just care about flying! And joining the Wonder Bolts! Keep the stupid magazines; I already read ‘em anyway!

Rainbow Dash flies out of the room, down the stairs, and out the front door.

Victory: …did she say “anybody?”

Dream: Don’t talk to me right now.

Rainbow Dream flies to the front door, but briefly turns around to face his husband.

Dream: Vic, whatever issues you have, you need to work them out. Because you keep this crap up, you’ll push her straight into the arms of the wrong someone- male or female!

In the present.

Gilda the griffon flies through the air toward Ponyville, still quite a ways away but getting closer every second.

In Ponyville.

Twilight lies peacefully on a bench reading while Pinkie Pie runs all around her and yells excitedly.

Pinkie: Hoof biting action overload! She was like a stunt superstar, flying higher, and higher…

Twilight: Uh huh.

Pinkie: …and then Rainbow Dash swooped down. Swoosh! And then right before she hit the ground, she pulled out. Fwoom!

Twilight: Uh huh.

Twilight’s Mind: Error! Noise levels too high for efficient literary absorption. Adjusting audio receptors to compensate.

Pinkie: And then she looped around and around like whoo whoo whoo whoo…

Pinkie’s voice trails off as, from Twilight’s perspective, she gets quieter and quieter.

Twilight’s Mind: Muted.

Pinkie’s lips continue to flap as Twilight hears nothing. The studious pony offers sporadic interjections to project the appearance of rapt attention.

Twilight: I see.

Pinkie continues speaking.

Twilight: How fascinating.

Pinkie continues speaking.

Twilight: THAT was an unforeseen turn of events!

Pinkie continues speaking.

Twilight: The stakes have never been higher!

Pinkie (inaudible to Twilight): Stakes?

Pinkie thinks for a moment.

Pinkie: So then I said “Celestia is a poor mare’s Luna. Always has been. Nightmare Moon? Now THERE’S a monarch!”

Pinkie awaits a response from Twilight, but receives none.

Pinkie: Twilight!

Twilight’s Mind: Verbal deluge has softened. Unmuted.

Pinkie: You’re just commenting on the book you’re reading, aren’t you?!

Twilight: Ooh, this page feels particularly sensuous- wait, what? Of course not!

Pinkie: Then what was I talking about?

Twilight: You want a review?

Pinkie: Mm… more like a recap.

Twilight: Well… your story was good, but it lacked that certain “oomph” to put it ahead of the pack. If I ran a website that published stories, and yours was submitted, I would send a gracious email but politely reject it. Probably due to formatting.

Pinkie: That’s still a review!

Twilight: Is it?

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash soars by overhead. Pinkie Pie runs off to follow her.

Twilight: Whew. Finally, it’s just you and me, Atticus. You can put me on trial any day of the week.

Twilight pauses.

Twilight (cracking up): Except Sunday, of course. What with the courts being closed. Jury humor!

It is the middle of the day. Crickets are still audible in the silence following Twilight’s joke.

Twilight: My audience was a book, crickets! I wasn’t even expecting laughter!!!

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who happen to be walking nearby, burst out laughing.

Silver Spoon (still laughing): Look at that crazy pony, yelling at the crickets!

Diamond Tiara: That is literally the funniest thing I’ve seen since Apple Bloom’s bow caught on fire.

The two divas continue laughing as they walk away.

Diamond Tiara (barely audible in the distance): Other ponies’ misery amuses me.

Twilight (yelling): That wasn’t even part of my routine!

Back with Rainbow Dash, who is casually strolling through the air.

Pinkie (shouting upward): Ooh, Rainbow Dash. Quit strolling! Wait, can you stroll through the air? Does that sound awkward to you?

Rainbow (under her breath): Ughh, Pinkie Pie? Not again…

Rainbow Dash accelerates away from Pinkie.

Pinkie (accelerating as well): Rainbow Dash!

Rainbow: Not now, Pinkie Pie!

Rainbow speeds up again.

Pinkie: But- but Rainbow Dash-

Rainbow: I’m in the middle of something.

Pinkie: The air?

Rainbow: Not literally!

Pinkie: But-

Rainbow: I said not now!

Rainbow Dash flies head first into a mountain. She slowly slides down.

Pinkie: I was gonna tell you to look out for that mountain.

Rainbow: Ugghhh…

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 5: Griffon the Brush-Off

In the past.

Rainbow Dash and her parents are standing outside the Junior Speedster Flight Camp barracks.

Dream: Have fun Rainbow Dash!

Victory: We’ll send lots of letters!

Dream: And care packages!

Victory: You’ll be the best flyer this camp’s ever seen. This is where it starts, Rainbow Dash… the Wonder Bolts won’t be far behind!

Victory Dash and Rainbow Dream hug their daughter tightly.

Rainbow: Thanks, guys.

Rainbow (to Victory): And I’ll keep in mind what you said about the other campers!

Victory chuckles nervously.

Dream: What did he say?

Rainbow: “Good with his wings, in the sack he’ll make you sing.”

Dream: Unbelievable.

Victory (still chuckling): It’s true…

Dream: Rainbow Dash, sweetie, please just enjoy flight camp. Just forget all about that filthy limerick.

Rainbow (confused): What about the other limerick?

Victory raises his hoof to his forehead.

Dream: The other one?

Rainbow: “If the thought of his touch brings your heart to a stop, feel free to lock the door and-”

Dream (interrupting): -Forget that one too!

Rainbow: Ok…

Dream: Here’s the only limerick you need to know: “Love is always a beautiful thing, male or female, whenever it takes wing.”

Rainbow: Come on dad, that one’s just corny. I’m not an egghead you know!

Dream (with a soft smile): Of course not.

A bell sounds in the distance.

Dream: I guess that means it’s time for you to go.

Rainbow: I have to meet with my counselor. She has my schedule…

Dream: Make us proud, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash flies away. Once she’s gone, Dream turns angrily toward Victory.

Dream: You.

Victory: In my defense, you have to admit… they were really clever rhymes.

Dream: Hardly! Every single pronoun could be replaced with “she” or “her” to subvert your entire meaning! But I truly cannot BELIEVE that you would turn our daughter’s flight camp into yet another heterosexual brainwashing tactic!

Victory: Bet you never thought you’d say those words in that order.

Dream: Not since I stopped attending chapel. But STOP making light of this! Every day you confuse that poor girl more and more, every day I ask you to change; to support our daughter, and you never do! Why?! What makes it so hard?! Do you hate your sexuality that much?!

After a pause.

Victory: I-

Dream: Don’t answer that.

Rainbow Dream flies into the air.

Dream: Whatever you have to say, I don’t have it in me to listen right now. I’m going home, Vic. Just stay… somewhere else. Rent a motel room or something. Because whenever you do come home, we’re gonna have a long talk… and I really don’t know if we’ll ever have any more afterwards.

Rainbow Dream flies away, leaving Victory Dash standing alone outside the barracks.

In the present.

Pinkie Pie hums happily to herself as she trots through Ponyville. Rainbow Dash dozes peacefully on a nearby cloud, irately using the cloud to form makeshift ear plugs as she awakens to the humming. Pinkie stops at a nearby produce stand.

Pinkie: Hi, I’m looking for Rainbow Dash. Have you seen her?

Frantic, Rainbow Dash burrows her head into the cloud in a bizarre attempt to hide herself.

Pinkie: Hi there! Have you seen Rainbow Dash? …Okay, thanks anyway!

Pinkie runs up to Twilight, who is passing through.

Pinkie: Twilight! Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere?

Twilight: Isn’t she right up there?

Twilight points upward to Rainbow Dash, whose head is fully protruding from the bottom of the cloud.

Pinkie: Rainbow Dash! You’re… a cloud’s hernia?

Glancing around quickly, Rainbow Dash bolts away.

Pinkie (hopping after her): But it passed you like a kidney stone!

Rainbow Dash flies all the way to Sweet Apple Acres, where she hides behind a barn.

Rainbow (breathing heavily): Whew, that was close!

Rainbow Dash turns around to find Pinkie Pie right behind her.

Pinkie: Hi! I won that game of chase!

Rainbow: AHHH!

Rainbow Dash flies away in the opposite direction.

Pinkie (once again hopping after her): Great idea! Best two out of three!

Rainbow Dash flies back to Ponyville and hides among the branches of Twilight’s library. She stops to catch her breath, only to have Pinkie burst out from underneath her.

Pinkie: It’s a good thing I can’t feel all these splinters in my legs!

Rainbow: AHH!

Rainbow Dash bolts away.

Pinkie (hopping after her, perpetually smiling): It’s gonna be a nightmare to get ‘em out, though! Tweezers are NOT ergonomically designed.

After Pinkie Pie has hopped a sufficient distance away, Rainbow Dash descends from a cloud she was hiding on top of, landing at a nearby lake.

Rainbow: She is defying ALL laws of Rainbow Physics…

Equipped with full scuba gear, Pinkie ascends from the surface of the lake.

Pinkie: I need a favor, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash jumps into the air.

Rainbow: AHH- oh, forget it.

Rainbow Dash falls to the ground.

Pinkie: First of all, you’ve got it all wrong, silly! I’m defying Quantum Rainbow Physics! I create the spectrum by observing it. Second, I totally promise the favor will be totally fun!

Rainbow: Does it involve napping?

Pinkie (giggling): That’s not a favor!

Rainbow: Not to you…

Pinkie: Pleeeaseee???

Rainbow (sighing): Oookay…

In Ponyville.

Rainbow Dash is holding onto a cloud, which Pinkie Pie is directing her where to place.

Pinkie: Over to the right. No, no, a little to the left- wait! Back to the right.

Rainbow: My right or yours?

Pinkie: Both.

Exasperated, Rainbow Dash moves the cloud to the right.

Pinkie: Now a little leftish while staying rightly.

Utterly disregarding half of what Pinkie says, Rainbow pushes the cloud to the left.

Pinkie: STOP!

Pinkie inspects the current location of the cloud.

Pinkie: Maybe a few inches to the south. Now a couple centimeters to the up! Okay… one more smidgemeter to the…

Rainbow: PINKIE PIE! At the very least, will you pick either customary or metric and stick with it?!

Pinkie: How about imperial?

Rainbow glares at Pinkie.

Pinkie: I mean… perfect! Now wait for my signal.

Pinkie walks to the window of a nearby building and peers inside. Spike is humming to himself as he gathers up scrolls in his arms. As he exits the building, Pinkie gives Rainbow Dash the signal and the pegasus pony kicks the cloud as hard as she can, unleashing a lightning strike. Startled, Spike jumps into the air and drops all his scrolls. Pinkie leans forward absorbed in anticipation. After a brief moment, Spike begins rapidly hiccupping.

Pinkie (cracking up): Oh Rainbow Dash, we startled Spike into getting the hiccups!

Rainbow (laughing) Awesome!

Spike (between hiccups): Good one Pinkie Pie! I’m always up for a good prank! And you’re wayyy better at it than Twilight!

In the past.

In the Canterlot library.

Twilight: Happy birthday Spike!

Twilight summons a present in front of Spike.

Spike: You’ll forgive me if I fail to celebrate the anniversary of the day I was hatched into indentured servitude.

Twilight: Celestia says not to use that term.

Spike: Yeah, there are a lot of terms she doesn’t like. “Thirteenth Amendment” comes to mind.

Twilight (smiling): You should still open your present.

Spike wearily opens the box Twilight gave him and pulls out two tennis balls.

Spike: So… tennis balls.

Twilight attempts to stifle her laughter, but quickly loses her composure. She falls to the ground crying.

Twilight (between tears): Get it? Two balls… but you’re neutered!

Spike: Yeah, it’s a racket.

Twilight stands up and wipes the tears from her eyes.

Spike: You just read about practical jokes, didn’t you?

Twilight: I say this every time, but Pull My Finger; Just Kidding, We Don’t Have Fingers Idiot! is my favorite book of all time!

Spike: Who would even print such a crass title?!

Twilight: Celestia said it was a gift from “Spencer’s?”

Spike: Of course. We really need to get you a book on social cues…

Twilight (giggling): Hey Spike.

Spike: Yes?

Twilight: Pull my finger.

Spike: I’m not feeding into this.

Twilight: But I don’t have fingers idiot!

Twilight falls to the ground laughing once again. Spike simply shakes his head.

Twilight: Aw, don’t be mad. I got you a real present too! Here’s a pair of socks!

In the present.

Spike (still hiccupping): When I’m clearly a warm-blooded dragon, for whom socks could serve only ONE purpose, and we’d just been over the fact that I’m neutered anyway!

Pinkie: A comedic flashback in an episode already framed by dramatic flashbacks? Risky move…

Rainbow: What?

Pinkie: Nothing.

Spike: Anyway, great prank, but I have to be on my way!

Spike leans down to pick up the first scroll, but hiccups as he does so, sending the scroll away to Canterlot.

Pinkie: Oh no, you’re not hurt, are you?

Spike: Nahh, dragons are fireproof!

In Canterlot, the scroll lands directly on Princess Celestia’s head.

In Ponyville, Spike scoops up all remaining scrolls.

Pinkie: Oh, okay, good.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie burst out laughing once again. Spike hiccups, sending all the scrolls away.

Spike: Eh, she can deal with them.

In Canterlot, all the scrolls fall on to Princess Celestia.

Celestia: If this is Spike’s idea of a practical joke I am not amused.

In Ponyville, Spike continues hiccupping, the interval between hiccups decreasing as the intensity increases.

Pinkie: Have you ever seen anything more hilarious?

Rainbow: I can think of one thing…

Rainbow kicks the cloud again, triggering more lightning.

Pinkie: AHHH!

After a moment, Pinkie Pie starts hiccupping, which amuses her to no end.

Rainbow: I didn’t take you for a prankster, Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie (between hiccups): Are you kidding? And you’ve lived here HOW long?! It’s all in good fun, and Pinkie Pie LOVES to have fun!

Rainbow: You know Pinkie Pie, you’re not as annoying as I thought!

Pinkie: I’M not as annoying as I thought either!

Rainbow: You wanna hang out?

Pinkie (still hiccupping): That’d be… I mean… When do… Where would…

Rainbow (holding out her hoof): A simple nod will do.

Pinkie nods.

Spike: Guys…

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash turn to find Spike lying on the ground.

Spike: I don’t feel so good…

Spike vomits everywhere.

Rainbow: Ew.

Pinkie: Vomiting is for AFTER fun. And tequila.

Rainbow: Did we do that?

Spike: No… this is something else… I must have been sick before…

Pinkie: Hmm. We should probably hang out after we get Spike to the library.

Rainbow: Good idea.

Later that day, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie excitedly drop two baskets full of flowers at Rarity’s doorstep, ring the doorbell, and hide in the nearby bushes.

Rainbow (giggling): Is she even home?

Pinkie (also giggling): What if she’s allergic?

After a pause.

Pinkie: THAT’D be ironic!

The front door opens. Seeing the flowers, Rarity leans down to take in their scent.

Pinkie: There she is…

Having received a face full of sneezing powder hidden among the fauna, Rarity begins sneezing uncontrollably. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash burst out laughing before running away. Rarity puts on a big smile as they pass.

Rarity (under her breath): Such tomfoolery will earn you a flaying in my kingdom.

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight looks around at the dusty, dirty room surrounding her.

Twilight (sighing): With Spike “sick,” all his menial tasks fall on me.

Twilight’s Mind: Error! Conversational partner not detected. Singular dialogue deemed wasteful and unfulfilling.

From upstairs, Spike loudly moans in pain.

Twilight (yelling): I know you’re faking, Spike! And I’m very disappointed. Big boys face their chores head-on. Apply directly to the forehead!

After a pause.

Twilight: Get it?

Spike moans even louder.

Twilight (under her breath): See if you get any socks this year.

Twilight walks to a storage closet and pulls out a broom. She sweeps a small corner of the room before collapsing onto the ground.

Twilight: This must be what it feels like to be an earth pony. I can’t take it!

Twilight stands up.

Twilight: If only Fluttershy were still offering favors…

The unicorn’s eyes light up.

Twilight: That’s it! I’ll ask to borrow Hoover! Free labor that won’t complain or ask for worker’s comp!

Twilight walks to the door.

Twilight (yelling): I’m heading out, Spike.

Spike can be heard vomiting once again.

Twilight: Ugh, that’d better be in the bucket!

At Fluttershy’s cottage.

Twilight knocks on the front door, which Fluttershy timidly opens.

Fluttershy: Hello?

Twilight: Hi Fluttershy!

Fluttershy: Oh, hi Twilight… what can I do for you?

Twilight: Is Hoover busy?

Fluttershy: He’s… cleaning himself right now.

After a pause.

Twilight: How?

Fluttershy: He has a hose attachment.

Twilight: Do you think I can borrow him?

Fluttershy: I can ask…

The conversation lulls as an awkward silence washes over the cottage. Fluttershy’s eye twitches before she suddenly spins around to yell at a door in the back of the room.

Fluttershy: SHUT UP! I’m allowed to have guests!

Twilight: Oooh, imaginary friends! I used to pretend Smarty Pants was alive. She’d play with me, and solve differential equations with me, and laugh at all my jokes. Even the bad ones!

Fluttershy: (genuinely confused): How could she tell the difference?

Silence washes over the room once again.

Twilight: Slander like that will get you flayed in my kingdom.

Fluttershy (nervously): …what?

Twilight: Just kidding, that was my Rarity impression! I also do impressions. Pretty good, huh?

Fluttershy: On the contrary, violence is never funny.

In the Everfree Forest, the mother manticore sobs profusely as she buries her son and daughter.

In Fluttershy’s cottage, Hoover glides into the room and nuzzles up against Twilight’s leg.

Fluttershy: Oh, he must have heard us talking about him. It looks like he’s willing to help you out.

Twilight: Excellent.

Fluttershy: Um… if it’s not rude to ask… why do you need a racuum anyway? Doesn’t Spike clean the library?

Twilight: Not when he’s “sick.” Which he is. Allegedly.

Fluttershy (gasping loudly): Spike’s sick?!

Twilight: Well… more like “abusing the fact that he has fingers and a throat.”

Fluttershy: Wait here!

The pegasus pony takes off and bolts through the door she was yelling at not two minutes earlier, disappearing into the basement of the cottage. Downstairs, she frantically digs through a series of drawers.

Fluttershy: Something triggered an adverse reaction! The serum was too strong!

Fluttershy slams her current drawer shut and throws open another.

Fluttershy: Where are those antibodies?!

Mysterious Voice: What’s this? ANOTHER dragon’s blood on your hooves?

Ignoring the voice, Fluttershy finally finds the syringe she’s looking for and flies back upstairs.

Fluttershy: No time to lose. Take Hoover. We’re going to the library!

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight opens the front door. The sound of Spike vomiting reverberates throughout the hollowed-out tree.

Twilight: What, is he puking up organs?

Fluttershy flies upstairs to Spike. Their conversation is plainly audible to Twilight.

Spike: Great. I thought today couldn’t get any worse…

Fluttershy: You poor thing. Just let Doctor Fluttershy make it all better.

Spike: Don’t come near me!

Fluttershy injects her syringe into Spike, and the baby dragon immediately passes out and begins snoring. The pegasus pony quietly descends to the first floor of the library.

Fluttershy: He should be all better when he wakes up.

Twilight: He’d better be.

Fluttershy: I’ll… I’ll be at the lake. I don’t feel like going home yet… take good care of Hoover.

Fluttershy flies out the front door.

Twilight: Well Hoover, you’ve got a lot of work to do. I’ll make a checklist to get you started.

Twilight summons a quill and begins writing on a nearby scroll, but the ink disappears as quickly as she can put it to paper.

Twilight: What black magic is this?

The unicorn hears giggling outside her window, and discovers Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash holding up a bottle of disappearing ink.

Pinkie (giggling): That was worth the hours of waiting!

Twilight smiles and waves as the two pranksters run off.

Twilight (chuckling): Oh you two. I’ll gladly perpetuate the idea that everyone loves pranks.

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack exits the barn to discover a shocking sight: all the apples in the orchard are painted a variety of pastel hues.

Applejack (confused): It ain’t zap apple season yet…

Applejack hears giggling behind her, and turns to find Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, easels and paintbrushes in tow. The farm pony throws apples at the duo until they run away, still giggling the whole time. One of the apples lands in a nearby barrel of water and the paint quickly washes off, leaving a red delicious beneath it. Upon discovering this, Applejack chuckles to herself.

Applejack: Well, a little lead poisonin’ never hurt nopony.

At the lake.

Fluttershy is innocently feeding the fish. As more creatures approach her, eagerly expecting their meals, she spots a strange squeaking turtle. Despite clearly being stitched together, Fluttershy does not immediately see through the turtle’s artifice. A rope tied to the creature extends along the bottom of the lake, and, submerging on the other side, ends in a rubber ball which Pinkie Pie excitedly squeaks. Rainbow Dash watches Fluttershy through a telescope.

Pinkie: Is someone over there? Who’re we gonna squirt, who’re we gonna squirt?

Rainbow (chuckling): Fluttershy.

Pinkie: What?!

Pinkie spits the ball out.

Pinkie: She’s at the lake? She meant THIS lake?! Nononononono, we can’t prank Fluttershy, I mean, she’s so sensitive, it’ll hurt her feelings. Even our most harmless prank.

Rainbow (sighing): Yeah…I guess you’re right. Huh. We need another victim who’s made of tougher stuff. Like literally any other pony on the planet. Maybe certain plant life.

Pinkie Pie giggles while looking at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: What? You can prank plants.

Pinkie (stifling laughter): No, no… I’ve got someone in mind.

Rainbow: Oh, awesome! Who, who, do I know them?

Pinkie (still laughing, pointing to the water): Oh yes! You’re very close.

Rainbow Dash sees her reflection, and discovers that Pinkie Pie had outlined the telescope with black marker, which now forms a ring around her eye.

Rainbow (cracking up): Good one, Pinkie Pie!

Rainbow Dash extends her hoof for the pony equivalent of a high-five, but pulls her hoof away every time Pinkie Pie tries to complete the gesture. The two ponies, easily amused, burst with laughter once more.

At the crack of dawn the next morning, Pinkie Pie trots to Rainbow Dash’s cloud home, wearing her best pranking glasses.

Pinkie: Rise and shine, Rainbow Dash. It’s a brand new day, and we’ve got a lot of pranking to do!

At the sound of Pinkie’s voice, Gilda peeks her head up and stares intensely into the eyes of her very loud guest.

Pinkie: Oooh.

Rainbow: Morning, Pink!

Rainbow Dash and Gilda fly down to greet Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow: Gilda, this is my gal pal Pinkie Pie.

Gilda (incredulous): Gal pal?

Rainbow: Ya know… friend. Who’s a gal. I have lots of gal pals.

Gilda: Hmmph. You presume jealousy. I was merely commenting on the needless redundancy of your statement.

Rainbow: Huh?

Gilda: You specify “gal” pal as though an alternative exists to warrant the specificity.

Pinkie (confused): Well… what about guys? Dash knows stallions, and she can’t very well call me her guy pal, can she?

Pinkie begins laughing to herself.

Pinkie: Think about it. Pinkie GUY! It sounds so silly!

Gilda takes to the air and slowly flies circles around Pinkie Pie, sniffing the air intensely.

Gilda: Typical. The stench of unopposed oppression emanates from your coat like the garish cologne of a stallion self-assured in the ability of his very presence to bring a mare to her knees.

Pinkie: What about her hocks?

Gilda: You offer nothing. You speak with the inflection of one too blind to recognize the oppressors for whom you've subconsciously developed Stockholm Syndrome!

Pinkie: Hey, just because I’m wearing shades doesn’t mean I’m blind!

Gilda rips the prank glasses from Pinkie’s face.

Gilda: Of course it does. Look what rests on the nose!

Pinkie: …a moustache?

Gilda (with contempt): Yes. A moustache. Long a symbol of male dominance: two symmetrical phalluses jutting in either direction; you prostitute yourself by plastering it to your face to placate the patriarchy.

Rainbow: Come on, Gilda…

Pinkie: I’m not an expert on biology, but-

Gilda: -Fine. Hook-shaped phalluses. The deformity has been known to exist. Mother Nature does, after all, have a sense of humor.

Pinkie (giggling to lighten the mood): That’s what I always say about platypi!

Rainbow: Anyway, Pinkie, I know she can come on a little strong, but this is my griffon friend Gilda.

Gilda: We have to be strong, living in a man’s world!

Pinkie: “Man?”

Rainbow (continuing): She’s my best friend from my days at Junior Speedster Flight Camp. Hey, remember the chant?

Gilda: That uninspired drivel intended to brainwash us and lull the female campers into a hypnotic trance in which we might more readily bend over to the suggestion of our subservient role in society? No, I’ve tried to-

Rainbow (interrupting, flying into the air): -awesome, let’s sing it!

Rainbow: Junior Speedsters are our lives-

Gilda (sighing): Only for you, Dash…

Gilda flies next to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash and Gilda: Skybound soars and daring dives. Each camper in his right place, young stallions to win the race. Filly campers wait your turn; culinary skills to learn.

Gilda and Rainbow Dash land.

Gilda: And you don’t see how that’s sexist?!

Rainbow: The camp’s been progressive for years. The chant’s just a fun tradition!

Gilda grinds her teeth as Pinkie Pie laughs uproariously.

Pinkie: That was awesome! And it gave me a great idea for a prank. We just need twenty kilos of cauliflower! Gilda, you game?

Gilda: Please. I may groove on a good prank as much as the next griffon, but Dash promised we’d get a flying session in this morning. No matter what men try, no one can take the sky from me!

Gilda takes to the air.

Rainbow: Yeah… um, well… Pinkie Pie, you don’t mind do you? Gilda just got here. We’ll catch up with you later!

Pinkie: Oh, um… sure, no problem. Have fun you guys-

Gilda (from the air): We’re not guys!

Pinkie: -I’ll just catch up with you…

Gilda and Rainbow Dash soar away.

Pinkie (sighing): …later.

In the past.

In the main Junior Speedster Headquarters.

The Junior Speedsters are all gathered in a huddle on the main floor, eager to start their first official day of camp. The camp counselor steps up onto a stage at the front of the room.

Camp Counselor (shouting into the microphone): Good morning, campers! Junior Speedsters are our lives…

Everypony(excitedly chanting): skybound soars and daring dives!

Gilda, the lone griffon in the crowd, sullenly refuses to take part in the chant.

Camp Counselor: Each camper in his right place…

Everypony: young stallions to win the race!

Camp Counselor: Filly campers wait your turn…

Gilda (under her breath): chauvinists to overturn.

Everypony: culinary skills to learn!

Their excitement at a fever pitch, the crowd cheers madly.

Camp Counselor: That’s right! I can feel the enthusiasm in the air! Today marks the beginning of the best two weeks of your lives. Many applied to be Junior Speedsters; many did not make it. You are the best of the best. The most promising young fliers Equestria has ever seen. Who knows, I may even be looking at future Wonder Bolts right now!

Everypony screams loud enough to bring the cloud roof down.

Camp Counselor: But enough about me. Today is all about you! I want you to start forging friendships that will last a lifetime! To that end, each of you has been randomly partnered with a fellow camper. When I call your names, you and your partner will fly to the stage to pick up a quill and a Junior Speedster Introductory Interview form. Then you’ll find a private corner of the room in which to get to know each other.

Faint sighs of exasperation can be heard murmuring through the crowd.

Camp Counselor (chuckling): I know, you just want to fly, but these questions were hoof-picked for maximum fun. The relationships you make in this camp will mean more to you than any flying lessons ever could.

The counselor calls out the names of every camper. Rainbow Dash is partnered with Gilda, and the duo sits in awkward silence, Gilda radiating contempt for her surroundings before finally speaking up.

Gilda: This stupid camp isn’t exactly living up to expectations.

Rainbow: It’s just the first day. Trust me, flight camps get WAY better after the introductions.

Gilda: Whatever.

Rainbow (awkwardly): So… maybe we should just fill out the interview. My name’s Rainbow Dash, my favorite food is hay fries, my favorite color is rainbow, duh, my favorite movie is Top Gun, and I want to be a Wonder Bolt when I grow up!

Gilda: Ooh, how original.

Rainbow: I-

Gilda: I’m Gilda, my least favorite chromosome is Y, and I’m only at this overwrought machismo receptacle because my parents found my stash and thought camp would teach me “discipline.” That’s all you need to know.

Rainbow: You could at least try to have fun…

Camp Counselor (back at the microphone): Attention campers! It has just come to my attention that we have a very special pony among our ranks this year. Who remembers last year’s spectacular Sonic Rainboom?

An awed hush falls over the crowd.

Camp Counselor: That’s right. The rainboom was achieved by none other than your fellow camper… Raaaiiinbooow… DAAASSSHHH!

A heretofore unseen spotlight absorbs Rainbow Dash in its fluorescent glow. The crowd, now aware of the presence of true aerial greatness, goes ballistic. Her ego inflated near to bursting, Rainbow Dash flies to the stage.

Camp Counselor: Rainbow Dash, it is an honor, but… why in the world did you leave the Sonic Rainboom off your application?

Rainbow: My parents say not to bring it up too much.

A sarcastic thought enters Rainbow Dash’s head.

Rainbow (working the crowd): Besides… I figured you’d just be jealous I pulled it off at another camp.

The crowd laughs uproariously. Even the counselor chuckles.

Camp Counselor: My my, a talented flyer AND a comedian! I assure you, the Junior Speedsters are honored simply that you chose us for further flight training. Now, we have a rigid schedule to uphold, but I do have just one question which I’m sure the crowd wants to know… if you wouldn’t mind.

Rainbow: Ask away.

Camp Counselor: How did it feel… to create a Sonic Rainboom?

Rainbow: Well, let’s just say this. It’s not every pony who earns her Cutie Mark by proving one of the oldest legends in the world…

Rainbow dash poses so her flank is visible to the entire audience.

Rainbow: …but I did.

Rainbow takes to the air and performs three complex loop-de-loops before landing once more on the stage in a dramatic pose for her rapt audience. The roar of the crowd is all but deafening.

Camp Counselor: Rainbow Dash, every pony! We are certainly in for an interesting two weeks, if I do say so myself.

Gilda (under her breath): The Sonic Rainboom, huh…?

In the present.

Rainbow Dash and Gilda are soaring through the skies of Ponyville in an intense race. Neck-in-neck, they finally land on the finish cloud, both friends happily laughing to blow off steam.

Gilda: Whoa, that was sweet. Just like old times!

Rainbow (smiling mischievously): Yeah, except you kept up this time!

Gilda: Hey. As I recall, YOU struggled to keep up with ME in… other sorts of races.

Rainbow (chuckling): Yeah, I guess. So, now what?

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie’s head pops up from beneath the cloud.

Pinkie: Hey there.

Just as suddenly, Pinkie Pie disappears.

Gilda and Rainbow: Huh?

Pinkie Pie’s head pops up again.

Pinkie: It’s later.

Pinkie Pie disappears again, but quickly reappears.

Pinkie: And I caught up.

Rainbow looks to the ground to discover Pinkie Pie is using a giant trampoline to bounce up to the cloud.

Rainbow: Pinkie Pie, you are so random!

Gilda: Hey Dash, think you got enough gas left to beat me to that cloud?

Rainbow: Another race? Your funeral!

Gilda: One, two, three, go!

The two flight capable creatures take off, leaving Pinkie Pie alone with her oversized trampoline.

Pinkie: Hey!

At the next finish cloud, the race is once again too close to call.

Rainbow: I win!

Gilda: As if. My victory is unquestionable.

Rainbow: Oh yeah? Well I question it!

Gilda: Can’t be done.

Rainbow: Watch me. Here I go… questioning.

An extended silence hangs over the duo.

Gilda: So is this like a silent contemplation thing?

At this, Pinkie Pie floats into the air, a bouquet of balloons tied to her back.

Pinkie: Wow guys-

Gilda: -Grr-

Pinkie: -that was really close! But I think Rainbow Dash beat you by a teeny weeny itty-bitty hair. Or a teeny weeny itty-bitty feather!

Rainbow: Ha! See, good thing Pinkie Pie’s here to keep you honest, G!

Gilda (seething): Ok… Dash, last one to that cloud up there is a subjugated Sappho. Go!

Rainbow Dash immediately takes off, but Gilda lingers behind.

Gilda (to Pinkie): I think the high altitude is making you dizzy.

Pinkie: Well, that or the vodka. All I had was Taaka…

Using her talons, Gilda pops just enough balloons to send Pinkie steadily falling back toward the ground.

Pinkie: Wait, guys!

Gilda soars toward the cloud, where Rainbow Dash is already casually lying in wait.

Rainbow: See, THIS is what we call an unquestionable victory.

A mechanical whirring fills the air. Gilda and Rainbow Dash look behind them to discover Pinkie Pie in some sort of flying bicycle-like contraption. Neither racer can determine the vehicle’s origin or explain its sudden appearance.

Pinkie: Wow! You guys almost got away from me that time.

Gilda: So… Dash… got any new moves in your repertoire? I’d say I’m pretty well acquainted with all your old tricks.

Rainbow: New moves? Well, I don’t like to show off… TOO much… but sit back and be amazed by the Buccaneer Blaze!

Rainbow takes off to warm up for her trick, leaving Gilda glowering at Pinkie.

Gilda: Hey Pinkie. Come here.

Pinkie flies closer to Gilda.

Pinkie: Yeah?

Gilda grabs the machine and gets right in Pinkie’s face.

Gilda: Perhaps you’re not familiar with social cues.

Pinkie: Perhaps YOU’RE not familiar with social mores!

Gilda (confused): Well… no, I reject them, but…

Unable to contain herself, Pinkie Pie erupts in mirthful laughter.

Pinkie (still laughing): I couldn’t resist! Isn’t it such a funny word? “Mores!”

Pinkie Pie flails her hooves with glee.

Pinkie: “Excuse me, waiter, may I have some mores?”

Gilda: ENOUGH! Dash doesn’t need to hang out with ponies like you now that I’m around. You’re just draggin’ us down. And we don’t take kindly to DEAD WEIGHT!

As she shouts “DEAD WEIGHT,” Gilda grabs the flying contraption’s propeller and holds on with an iron grip. The propeller gets tangled up in itself, sending Pinkie careening violently toward the ground. Rainbow Dash, having completed the Buccaneer Blaze, lands next to Gilda.

Rainbow: Try matching THAT!

Rainbow looks around.

Rainbow: Hey… where’s Pinkie Pie?

Gilda: Ehh, she left. Something about being dead weight.

Rainbow (chuckling): That Pinkie Pie and her wordplay.

Gilda: What’s the joke?

On the ground, Pinkie lays sprawled among the shattered remains of her flying machine.

Pinkie: Hmm. How did I survive that fall?

In the past.

In the Junior Speedster cafeteria, Rainbow Dash has picked up her tray and is looking for a place to sit. Every pony at every table scoots over to make room for the best flyer in camp. But one voice in particular, coming from a table all by herself, catches Rainbow Dash’s ear.

Gilda: Rainbow Dash! Over here!

Rainbow Dash walks over to Gilda.

Rainbow: Gilda?

Gilda: I… I feel like we started things off on the wrong talon. I wanted to apologize.

Rainbow Dash sits down.

Gilda: I was rude. I was cynical and sarcastic. Just because I don’t want to be at this camp doesn’t mean it was ok to take my frustration out on you.

Rainbow: It’s cool. I’m already wayyy over it! But how can you not want to be here?!

Gilda: I told you, camp wasn’t my idea. My parents… they’ve never approved of my decisions. They’re always trying to change me; to turn me into something I’m not.

Rainbow: What do you mean?

Gilda: Can I tell you a secret? You have to promise not to tell another soul!

Rainbow: Sure.

Gilda: There was another griffon in my neighborhood… Glenn. My parents were always trying to hook us up, but… Glenn was nice enough; it wasn’t his fault. I just didn’t feel anything when I looked at him, I didn’t see a mate. No matter what guy I looked at, I didn’t feel what I was apparently supposed to feel. My parents are too closed-minded to understand, but we can’t control who we’re attracted to. How can you argue there’s only one natural way of things?

Under the table, Gilda subtly brushes her paw against Rainbow Dash’s hoof. Rainbow Dash does not draw back.

Rainbow (lost in thought): I know exactly what you mean…

Gilda: I’ve seen you fly, Rainbow Dash. You’re good. But I’m better.

Rainbow: Oh really?! I’d leave you in the dust!

Gilda: Let’s test that. What do you say to a race around the track tonight, once everyone else is asleep? Just you and me.

Rainbow: Oh, you are on!

Gilda: Eleven o’ clock. Don’t be late

In the present.

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight: So Pinkie Pie, are you sure that this friend of Rainbow Dash is really so mean?

Pinkie: Um, yeah! She keeps stealing Rainbow Dash away, she popped my balloons, and she called me “dead weight” and threw me to the ground. She tried to kill me!

Twilight: Pinkie, I’m sure she’s not a murderer. “Dead weight” was probably just a pun on the high altitude, and your… lack of wings.

Pinkie: Hmmph. Well she certainly killed Wilbur!

Twilight: Wilbur?

Pinkie: My flying machine, duhh! Wilbur’s gone; now all that’s left is Orville, and what can you do with just ONE flying machine?

Twilight: …build another?

Pinkie: And what would I name it?!

Twilight: …Frank Lloyd…?

Pinkie: Not good enough! Gilda’s a mean meanie grumpy grouchy pants! She must be stopped!

Twilight: You know what I think, Pinkie Pie?

Pinkie: Hmm?

Twilight: Well, I think… you’re jealous.

Pinkie: Jealous?!

Spike: Green with envy. Well, in your case pink with envy.

Twilight: Spike! What are you doing downstairs?! There’s still vomit in the floorboards!

Spike (deadpan): Just getting another rag.

Twilight: No. Clean the dirty one.

Groaning, Spike trudges back upstairs.

Twilight: Two rags for one fake illness? I don’t think so.

After a pause.

Twilight: He’s right though. Pinkie… I don’t want to upset you, but just because Rainbow Dash has another friend doesn’t make Gilda a grump. From her perspective, maybe you’re the one trying to steal Rainbow Dash away. Perhaps it’s you, Pinkie, who needs to improve her attitude.

Pinkie: Improve MY attitude?! But I… it… It’s Gilda who… are you seri- UGH!!!

Pinkie storms out of the library. She strolls aimlessly, lost in thought.

Pinkie: Maybe Twilight’s right. Maybe I’m just a big jealous judgmental jealous jealousy pants.

Pinkie sighs softly to herself.

Later that day, Pinkie Pie is sipping a milkshake outside Sugarcube Corner, watching as Rainbow Dash and Gilda soar through the air.

Rainbow: Ugh, I gotta take care of a few weather jobs around here. Shouldn’t take long. Just, uh, hang out in town and I’ll come find you.

Gilda: That’s cool I guess. I’ll find some way to entertain myself.

Rainbow: Later.

Rainbow Dash flies away and Gilda surveys the town. She spots Granny Smith approaching a nearby vegetable vendor.

Gilda (smirking): Perfect.

Gilda walks over to Granny Smith.

Gilda: Greetings. You look like the type of pony who’s seen quite a bit of field work in her day.

Granny Smith (proudly): Been here since before Ponyville itself.

Gilda (with disinterest): Mmhmm. So how does it make you feel to know I frequently have consensual sex with multiple women deemed “unattractive” by conventional standards of beauty?

Granny Smith (confused): What are women?

Gilda: Don’t like it, do you? Boils your blood. Bet you want to get a lynch mob together, don’t you?

Granny Smith: Applejack’s always goin’ on about some Lynch fellow…

Gilda (to every pony): AH HA! You heard it. You ALL heard it! Prejudice and persecution, but what else can you expect from the south?

Gilda (to Granny Smith): You swallow propaganda like the unquestioning lapdog of a man who stubbornly refuses to pull out!

Granny Smith: You talkin’ about Winona…?

Gilda: I have no time for redneck ignorance. Remove yourself from my sight.

Granny Smith (walking away): What a nice eagle.

Pinkie (deadly serious): Her neck is NOT red.

Gilda uses her tail to furtively steal an apple as she passes another nearby vendor.

Pinkie (gasping): She’s a meanie mean pants AND a thief! I didn’t misjudge her at all!

As Pinkie speaks, Fluttershy slowly backs past her, slowly leading a family of ducklings through Ponyville.

Fluttershy: All right little ones, this way. This way. Mrs. Mallard, you’re free and clear.

As she addresses the family, Fluttershy backs directly into Gilda.

Gilda: Hey!

Fluttershy: Oh, please excuse me.

Gilda: I’m walkin’ here!

Fluttershy: Oh, um… I’m sorry…

Gilda: What are you doing, anyway?!

Fluttershy: I was… Mrs. Mallard said there were too many… foxes and turtles at my cottage. I thought the family could make a new home at the… at the little island in the lake.

Gilda: Well. A little late to have an opinion now, isn’t it Mrs. Mallard? You voided your voice the moment you got married.

Fluttershy (under her breath): Mallards don’t marry.

Gilda: You willingly consigned yourself to imprisonment in archaic gender roles. Just like every pony else in this pathetic town who refuses to wake up and smell the patriarchy!

Fluttershy: Um… excuse me…

Gilda: What?!

Fluttershy: How… can we have a patriarchy? Equestria is… 86.32 percent female, plus or minus a Snips and Snails margin of error. I would know.

Gilda: And I suppose you’ve studied the census reports?!

Fluttershy: They… they’re good light reading…

Random Bystander (shouting at Gilda): We’re ruled by two princesses! You don’t know what you’re talking about, so stop being a jerk!

Gilda: You merely prove my point. Two princesses? Why not a queen?! Or is that too high a position to grant a lowly female?

Pinkie (gasping): But that’s a Hasbro thing. It doesn’t even count!

Fluttershy: Um, anyway… um… I’ll just… take the Mallards…

Inhaling as deeply as possible, Gilda lets out an ear-splitting roar right in Fluttershy’s face. The ducklings scatter and flee, and Fluttershy, unable to respond, quickly flies away as she breaks down crying.

Gilda: Whatever. All you lame ponies are cramping my style. I gotta bail.

Gilda soars into the sky.

Pinkie: She’s a grump, and a thief, and a bully! The meanest kind of mean meanie pants there is! I can take it, but no one treats Fluttershy like that. No one! This calls for drastic measures… Pinkie Pie style!

In the past.

At eleven o’ clock, Rainbow Dash flies to the Junior Speedster aerial course. Gilda is already there waiting for her.

Gilda: You came.

Rainbow: I never back down from a challenge!

Gilda (smirking): I should hope not. Now, one race around the entire track. My record’s two minutes. You ready to lose?

Rainbow: In your dreams.

The two racers take off and soar through the track with unprecedented speed. Neck in neck, every time they lock eyes, Rainbow Dash gains a momentary burst of speed as her blood grows hotter. With the finish line in sight, both contestants give one final push, diving into the clouds with hooves and talons outstretched. When the dust settles, Rainbow Dash finds Gilda right on top of her. She does not get up.

Rainbow: I won! I won!

Gilda: Shhh.

Gilda gently places a talon atop Rainbow Dash’s lips. Flustered, Dash meets the griffon’s eyes, and after a moment they both lean in for a passionate, adrenaline-fueled kiss. After Gilda slowly pulls away, Dash suddenly takes to the air.

Rainbow: No… no no no…

Gilda: What?

Rainbow: This isn’t… my dad… I’m not supposed to act on any impulses… he says I’m only allowed to date stallions!

Gilda: We aren’t even the same species. I’d think gender would be a secondary concern. Besides…

Gilda flies below Rainbow Dash and gingerly runs a talon all the way up her body, sending chills all the way to the tips of Dash’s wings. She stops right at Dash’s mouth.

Gilda: … we don’t have to call it “dating,” you know.

Hormones on overdrive, the two embrace once more, careening into the clouds below.

In the present.

At the mayor’s office.

Mayor Mare is sitting alone at her desk, hard at work on her daily crossword puzzle.

Mayor (tapping her quill on the desk): Hmm… six letter word for “nuisance…”

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie and the mayor’s secretary come bursting through the door.

Secretary: PINKIE!

Mayor (without looking up): No, it ends with an “R.” Good try, though.

Secretary: Like I told you, the mayor is very busy and is not taking visitors at this time!

Pinkie: And like I told you, this is too urgent to wait!

The mayor finally looks up.

Mayor: Pinkie Pie, ponies usually request to enter my office. I’m a very busy pony.

Pinkie Pie surveys the mayor’s desk, seeing only the crossword puzzle and assorted papers, haphazardly jumbled about.

Pinkie: With what?

Mayor (lifting a hoof): Look over there.

Pinkie follows the mayor’s hoof and discovers a hideous grey monster in the corner of the office, seemingly cobbled together out of dust and wheezing for air with every breath.

Pinkie: Is that-

Mayor: One of Fluttershy’s patented “dust bunnies,” yes. He was a gift; looking for a good home as she put it. Yesterday afternoon, against all odds, he finally stood on his own dust legs, entirely supporting his own dust weight. I’m writing the great Equestrian novel about his existential quest just to get by in a world that looks upon him as an abomination. Know what it’s called?

Pinkie (after a moment): Watership Dust?

Mayor: Well, that’s… of course, my title is every bit as clever…

Mayor Mare quickly hides a manuscript entitled “Dusty’s Big Adventure” under her desk.

Mayor: Now, Pinkie, what will it take to get you out of my office.

Pinkie: Simple. Clear the Pinkie Board.

Mayor: What?

Pinkie: You heard me.

Mayor: …You don’t actually have a prize lined up, do you?

Pinkie: It’s nothing like that! Although I am winning by at LEAST fifty deaths anyway.

Mayor: Derpy’s closing the gap…

Pinkie: No, the board is evidence that we can’t have lying around.

Mayor: I don’t understand, Pinkie!

Pinkie: You see, Ponyville’s got a bit of a griffon problem…

In the past.

For the rest of flight camp, Rainbow Dash and Gilda are inseparable. They consistently outperform every other camper in structured activities, and spend all their free time together. At night, they fly away from camp and into Cloudsdale, sneaking into bars, burlesque shows, and anywhere else that catches their fancy. Her face positively beaming, it is the happiest Rainbow Dash has ever been in her life.

In the present.

At Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie has set up a fabulous party, which ponies are trickling into.

Pinkie: Welcome, welcome!

Applejack: Who’s this Gilda I’ve heard nothin’ about?

Rarity: I hear she’s an “old friend” of Rainbow Dash. A griffon. So rare!

Twilight (to Fluttershy): You’ve met Gilda, right? What’s she like?

Fluttershy: Oh, um, well… I’ll tell you later, Twilight.

Pinkie: Welcome, welcome!

Fluttershy walks over to Pinkie.

Fluttershy: Um, Pinkie Pie… about this party for Gilda… are you sure this plan is going to work? Maybe… maybe it’s an overreaction. We should call it off…

Pinkie: After how she treated you? Trust me, I’ll make sure the truth gets out before her life is ruined or anything. We’re just teaching her a lesson!

Fluttershy: Oh, ok… if you say so. She is just a big bitch anyway.

In the past.

It is the last day of Junior Speedsters Flight Camp. Campers are packing up their belongings and waiting for their parents to sign them out. Gilda approaches Rainbow Dash.

Gilda: Hey, Dash.

Rainbow: Hey Gilda…

Gilda: It’s been real, hasn’t it?

Rainbow: Yeah…

Gilda: But, all this… it was really just a fling, right? Ya know, just two campers having a good time together. Nothing wrong with it. You and I, we’re both free spirits – we can’t be shackled by a long distance relationship.

Rainbow: You’re breaking up with me?

Gilda: We agreed we weren’t dating. Some relationships have an expiration date, and I just… didn’t want to give you the wrong impression. You’re a beautiful girl, Rainbow Dash. Any mare would be lucky to have you.

Rainbow Dash mulls over Gilda’s words, coming to grips with the end of her first relationship, then runs and passionately kisses the griffon.

Rainbow: I’ll miss you so much, Gilda. Promise you’ll visit!

As the pair’s lips lock, a gasp runs through the surrounding audience of campers, followed by hushed murmuring.

Random Camper A: I knew it!

Random Camper B (to his neighbor): You owe me five bits.

Random Camper C: Oh sure, everyone gets laid at camp but me!

Random Camper D: Gross!

Random Camper E: My parents will not be pleased about this.

Random Camper F: I thought this was a wholesome camp.

Random Camper G: It’s just like my fanfic!

Confused, Rainbow Dash pulls away… and locks eyes with her parents, standing in the doorway. Campers sidle away from her as she runs to her fathers.

Dream (gently): Come on, Rainbow Dash. Let’s get you home.

The Rainbow family flies away, leaving Gilda glowering at the crowd of campers.

Gilda: What, you’re all too narrow-minded to recognize love?! Nothing but a bunch’a prudes. Just like everywhere else!

Gilda takes to the air.

Gilda: Whatever! Screw you losers! This camp sucks anyway.

Gilda angrily soars away.

Later, at Rainbow Dash’s house.

Rainbow Dash is in her bedroom, crying softly to herself. Victory Dash walks in and gently puts his arm around his daughter.

Rainbow: Dad… I’m sorry…

Victory: Sorry for what?

Rainbow: Gilda… she wasn’t a stallion. I thought it was ok, but… did you see how everybody looked at us? What they were whispering? They hated us!

Victory Dash sighs to himself.

Victory: I know I’ve been hard on you over the years. It’s caused some rifts between your father and I, but everything I did, I did so you would never feel this exact pain. Values and ideals that challenge the status quo are not readily accepted in Equestria. The only union recognized here is that between a stallion and a mare. And change trickles down like molasses. Just look how long we’ve had the same princess.

Rainbow: What do you mean?

Victory: Your father and I know what you’re feeling all too well. The intolerance, the revulsion. I can’t speak for Dream, but I swore to myself no child of mine would ever suffer the way I have.

Rainbow: It’s too late… I’ll never live this down...

Victory: Sure you will. We’re a long way from the Junior Speedsters. You’re not defined by one event. Some day you may even be able to look back on this and laugh. After all… it was just one time at flight camp.

Rainbow: Just one time?

Victory: That’s right.

Rainbow: It was just one time at flight camp… it’s not who I am… it was just one time…

In the present.

At Pinkie Pie’s party.

Pinkie: Gilda!

Pinkie bounces over to the griffon, who has just entered the building.

Pinkie: I’m so honored to throw you one of my signature Pinkie Pie parties. And I really, truly, sincerely hope you feel welcome here amongst all us pony folk.

Pinkie Pie extends her hoof. Gilda suspiciously shakes it, only to receive a powerful electrocution. Pinkie Pie giggle ferociously. Rainbow Dash, walking up, giggles as well.

Rainbow: Oh, Pinkie Pie, the old hoof shake buzzer. You are a scream!

Gilda: Indeed. Your antics are most worthy of a scream.

Rainbow: Come on, G, I’ll introduce you to some of my other friends.

Gilda: Right behind ya, Dash!

Gilda (to Pinkie Pie): I know what you’re up to.

Pinkie: Really?

Gilda: I know what you’re planning!

Pinkie: Well THAT would be a surprise! My plans are pretty out there!

Pinkie runs to the center of the room.

Pinkie: Everyone, I’d like you all to meet Gilda, a long time dear friend of Rainbow Dash. Let’s honor her and welcome her to Ponyville.

The crowd lets out a muted cheer. Many of them have, after all, already met Gilda, and feel no obligation to honor her.

Pinkie (gesturing to the snack table): Please, help yourself.

Gilda cautiously approaches the table, but cannot help herself when she lays eyes on the first snack.

Gilda: Vanilla lemon drops. Don’t mind if I do.

Gilda pops a lemon drop into her mouth, but quickly discovers, to her horror, that it is not a lemon drop. It is in fact…

Gilda: BUTTERSCOTCH!

Gilda gags, and desperately begins searching for something to wash the hellish flavor from her mouth.

Rainbow: G, the punch!

Gilda runs to the punch bowl, but when she tries to drink, she finds the liquid simply spilling onto her chest.

Pinkie: Well what do you know, butterscotch lemon drops and the punch served in a dribble glass!

Rainbow: Priceless.

Gilda (drinking from a regular cup): Yeah. Hilarious.

Pinkie: But seriously folks, we’ve had a lot of laughs. Some fantastic pranks here, but maybe it’s about time Gilda got a chance to prank me!

Gilda: That’s more like it.

Pinkie rolls out a dunking booth.

Pinkie: The rules are simple. Gilda gets three tennis balls, and three chances to hit that bullseye. I’ll be sitting on the platform, and if she succeeds, I fall into the ice cold water! What do you say, Gilda?

Gilda: This game is childish.

Pinkie (climbing onto the platform): Does that mean you can’t do it?

Gilda picks up a tennis ball.

Gilda: I only need one shot.

Gilda hits the exact center of the target with a perfect throw. Pinkie falls into the water as expected… but, most unexpectedly, the entire pool lights up in a surge of electricity. When the surge finally stops, Pinkie’s body floats lifelessly to the surface of the water, still smoking. The room is utterly silent, except for Fluttershy, who runs to the pool.

Fluttershy: Pinkie Pie’s dead!

Whispers break out amongst the crowd, but Fluttershy yells even louder.

Fluttershy: Pinkie Pie’s dead, and she’s NEVER coming back!

Fluttershy locks eyes with Rainbow Dash, silently imploring her not to speak up.

Gilda (frantically): I didn’t… I just threw the ball…

Fluttershy reaches into the water and pulls the buzzer off of Pinkie Pie’s hoof.

Fluttershy: And look. The buzzer… it had a loose wire! And who was the last one to touch it?!

As a realization sweeps across the room, every pony turns to stare accusingly at Gilda.

Rainbow’s Mind: Oh wow, they are building to the best prank EVER!

Fluttershy: Why’d you do it, Gilda?

Carrot Top: Did you really think we’d believe it was an accident?

Mr. Cake: I know you’ve had your differences, but she was our best employee!

Derpy: Electricity conducts water. Everyone knows that!

Gilda: I didn’t… it was… this isn’t…

The mayor suddenly bursts through the door, Pinkie Board in tow.

Mayor: This board lists everyone who’s ever killed Pinkie Pie. And you’re the only one on it!

Gilda screams and takes into the air, circling to glower at every pony.

Gilda: I didn’t kill her! SHE set up that prank wearing that buzzer, and she should have known what would happen! I didn’t touch any wires, but I’m certainly not going to mourn her death. Pinkie Pie was the WORST pony I have ever met! Her puerile pranks, her obviously fake bubbly personality; you’re all better off without her! Not that it helps – you’re still the most backwards, misogynistic, out of touch town I’ve ever had the misfortune of staying at! Come on Rainbow Dash, we’re bailing on this pathetic scene… and all you ponies had better just stay out of our way!

Rainbow Dash keeps her hooves firmly planted on the ground.

Gilda: I said come ON Rainbow Dash!

Rainbow: You know, Gilda, you’re so quick to accuse everyone else of being intolerant, but if someone doesn’t fit into your own world view, you don’t even hesitate to throw them under the bus. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You use ponies however you see fit… just like you used me back at flight camp. I only realize it now, but you took advantage of my vulnerability; I was just a plaything you tossed out once you were bored. This scene isn’t “pathetic,” Gilda. It’s full of ponies who actually care about me… and I could never betray them.

Rainbow looks at Pinkie Pie’s corpse, then turns back to Gilda.

Rainbow: You’d better get out of here. The cops will be here soon.

Gilda screams in frustration then flies out the door and away from Ponyville.

Mayor (yelling): And don’t you ever come back!

Rainbow Dash(to the crowd): I’m sorry, every pony, for bringing Gilda here. I didn’t know how rude she was. But I guess Pinkie Pie did, and that’s why she set up this little party. And you, Fluttershy, thank you for helping me see the truth.

Fluttershy: Oh, um… you’re welcome.

Rainbow: Now, come on, we’d better get Pinkie out of that pool so she doesn’t wake up and drown again.

Rarity: Actually, I’ve never been clear on that. What if she were chopped into little pieces? She can’t “wake up” from that. How does the revival even work?

Applejack (laughing): Oh, Rarity, you’re thinkin’ too much!

Rarity: I was just wondering…

Later that night.

Dear Princess Celestia-

Today I learned that even though your first love can often seem like the only love you’ll ever know, more often than not, such thoughts are immature and misinformed. Reuniting with that first love may seem like an alluring idea, but it will only bring trouble, heartbreak, and tarnished memories. If we do not purge ourselves of such attachments, the past will control us. And, nostalgia notwithstanding, the present is truly a more beautiful place when we can appreciate it for its own value.

                                                                            -Your faithful student,

                                                                              Twilight Sparkle

Outside Twilight’s library.

Twilight (from inside): Spike! Is the pyre lit?

Spike (tending the flames): It is. Why am I in this cloak again?

Twilight exits the library, garbed in a dark cloak and somberly carrying a small book.

Twilight: This ritual requires the proper amenities.

Spike: Ritual?

Twilight: I’ve been living in the same building as my first love all this time, Spike. It’s time I moved on as well.

Twilight holds the book over her head.

Twilight: Oh fires of the ancient world, take this tome as sacrifice. Let it enter eternal respite, where its words may be known to all who seek enlightenment. I cast it from my life and into the ether, where all good books must one day make their final repose. May the purifying flames of literature burn ever brightly into eternity.

Twilight throws The Velveteen Rabbit into the fire. As the book burns, Twilight finds herself unable to contain her emotions and runs sobbing back into the library. Once she’s gone, Spike catches sight of the book’s cover before it completely burns away.

Spike: Eww… she got that on her first birthday!

As Spike walks inside, Twilight’s fire burns brightly against the peaceful night sky.

Luna (2)

The windows to the barracks were gaping maws of darkness; neither light nor sound seeping through. Sentries were posted throughout Canterlot, but those guards housed inside the barracks dozed innocently, unaware of both the conniving princess standing outside their door and her beleaguered sister barring entry.

“We will go no further, sister,” Luna declared, standing between Celestia and the large oaken doors, “until you tell me for what purpose we have come.”

“I’ll do you one better,” the sun princess replied, lowering her horn. “I’ll show you.”

Lowering her horn in tandem, Luna braced herself for attack. She had long feared Celestia would one day tire of her rational guidance – was the beginning of the end finally at hand?

But when Celestia cast her spell, no offensive strike was loosed. No projectile was fired; no barrage assailed the wincing night princess. Celestia’s spell merely summoned an empty mug, now floating inches from Luna’s face.

“I do not understand,” Luna admitted. At this Celestia laughed heartily, confusing her sister even further.

“Oh, PLEASE drop the formalities, sister! It’s just us! I KNOW you know how to use conjunctions, and they do ever so liven up a dialogue, would not you say?”

“It does not befit a royal princess-”

“We’re MODERN princesses Luna! We decree what befits what. It’s not the stone age!”

“Our subjects yet made to believe you and I control celestial bodies likely perceive little difference.”

“You agreed to let that slide-”

“If you agreed to include me in ALL royal decisions. This escapade is no exception,” Luna found her well of patience rapidly evaporating.

“This isn’t a decision,” Celestia chortled, “it’s a harmless prank. Look.”

Celestia cast another spell, and water filled the mug before Luna’s eyes. Heat emanated from the glass and brushed her cheek, evoking an intense desire to reunite with the warmth and comfort snatched from her for this “harmless prank.”

“They say if you dunk a sleeping pony’s hoof into warm water, his body will react accordingly and he’ll soil himself. I heard that today and I could not WAIT to test it out! You ready?”

Luna shut her eyes and inhaled deeply, quickly contemplating how best to squash this childish notion, how best to chide Celestia that some part of her message might finally get through and she might begin to grasp the folly of such tiresome antics.

But her thoughts were abruptly cut short.

“Luunnaaaa,” an all-too-familiar voice called out.

Luna awoke with a start. The pain in her body was entirely forgotten as adrenaline sent her flying out of bed, but promptly remembered as her legs buckled under her own weight. The night princess cried out in pain as she crashed headlong into the floor.

“Finally. I thought you’d never wake up,” Discord said without a drop of sympathy.

It was impossible. It was absolutely impossible, but there he was. Discord, the hideous draconequus, once the mad tyrant of Equestria, overthrown by she and her sister using the Elements of Harmony and banished forever in a stone prison, was standing in her bedroom, talon propped arrogantly against the wall.

“I’m dreaming,” Luna declared resolutely.

“No, my dear, the dream is what you just woke up from. I gave it to you. Did you like it?”

Luna’s mind was reeling. “It was a poorly constructed fiction. No such events ever occurred, nor could they.” Had Nightmare Moon claimed her sanity as well?

“Luna, Luna, Luna, you’re killing me. Again. That dream was a repressed memory I restored for you. A very difficult procedure, I might add. One hundred percent truth.”

Her face a blank slate, Luna fought her way to her feet and backed away from the fallen king.

“You’re a figment. On top of everything else, I’m delusional.”

Discord walked toward her, eyes ablaze with purpose. “That millennium you spent in the moon? Try spending even longer in some god-forsaken rock, then one day, out of the blue, just when you’re starting to ENJOY your life as an igneous lawn gnome, being hurtled from one prison into an even less desirable one inside the mind of the newly returned monarch who imprisoned you in the first place!”

“Your statue yet stands. I’ve seen it,” Luna scrambled to dispel this insane apparition with logic.

“But I’m not in it,” Discord nonchalantly replied.

“If you- why would you wait until now to confront me?!”

“Look, I’m having about six existential crises at once, you’ll forgive me if it took a little while to get acclimated.”

Luna found herself overcome with emotion as rational responses failed her. “You’re just a guilty conscience,” she shouted as she turned her head toward the wall, refusing to let Discord see the first tear slide down her cheek.

“How are the moon duties going?” Discord changed the subject without a second thought.

Luna grimaced at the question. Why ask if you already know the answer?

“That dream was only the beginning. What would you say if I told you it’s not your fault you can’t raise the moon? What if I told you you never have?

Against her better judgment, Luna turned once more to face the draconequus.

For the second time that night, Luna found herself on the balcony. The evening air no longer felt so sweet; the stars had lost their effervescent sheen. She contemplated the tale Discord had spun, poring it over in her mind from every possible angle. It felt like farce – an out of control princess, the Elements of Disharmony, lies believed by all of Equestria, zebra magic, and yet… most horrifyingly of all, something about it rang true. The story was possessed of some imperceptible quality that latched itself to her every thought.

Of course Discord’s lying. He always lies, and I’m crazy. But… what if he’s not?

And what if I’m not?

The stars had dulled, but one light shone brightly in the corner of Luna’s eye. Tracing its source, Luna discovered a splendorous bonfire blazing against the night sky from faraway Ponyville. How simple life must be there, for the Elements of Harmony and for all the natives. No doubt marshmallows were roasting that very moment as local youth were regaled with scary stories around the communal campfire.

“MORE KINDLING, SPIKE!” Twilight shouted hysterically. “THE MOUTH OF HELL YEARNS FOR SUPPLEMENT!”

Spike threw the last log into the roaring fire before wiping the sweat from his brow. “That’ll have to do. We’re out of wood.”

Nodding silently, Twilight surveyed the fire.

“Not twenty minutes ago, you were all ‘purifying flames’ and ‘final repose.’ Wanna tell me what changed?”

“I saw her Spike,” Twilight uttered. “The Velveteen Rabbit amidst the fire, never taking flame. The temptress revealing herself for the demon she is!”

“I think it’s interesting you assign female gender roles to the books you love. You think maybe something else is going on?”

But Twilight wasn’t listening. At the drop of a hat, she was on the ground sobbing before the flames.

“That’ll teach you to leave me!” Twilight shouted between tears. “I saw you on the shelf, fraternizing with Peter Rabbit! I loved you! I gave you everything a filly can give! Now burn!”

“OK,” Spike sighed, “murdering ex-lovers obviously makes you very emotional. I’ll be sure to take a note. Now can we please go back inside?”

“Hey Twilight, what’s all the ruckus?” Applejack asked, seemingly appearing from nowhere.

“Just… burning books…” Twilight was downtrodden. “Along with my hopes and dreams…”

“Great. We’ve lurched into depression now,” Spike muttered to himself.

“Book burnin’?!” Applejack reared onto her hind legs, her face beaming even against the orange glow of the bonfire. “Can I join?”

Twilight stood straight up. “Do you have more wood?!”

“At the farm? I got tons! I’ll be right back!” Applejack bounded away, whispering excitedly to herself. “Oh, you’re gonna get it now, Pratchett!”

Spike stared dumbfounded as Twilight leapt with joy. “I’m gonna find Pinkie Pie, see if she’s got any vodka,” the dragon announced.

At that very moment, Pinkie walked out to the very end of a tree branch hanging precariously over the fire. The pony was adorned head to hoof in a full-body book costume. Spike could only watch helplessly as she leapt.

“Look at me, I’m Harry Potter!” Pinkie shouted before the flesh melted from her body.

The worst part was, if Spike was honest with himself, none of this felt too far out of the ordinary any more.

Luna smiled softly as she thought back to her own youth, so very long ago. What she wouldn’t give to join those innocent campers right now, to partake of the s’mores and the camaraderie. But she walked a different path.

“You ready to go?” Discord asked.

The ancient castle in the Everfree Forest was sure to hold the answers she sought. But if Discord was right… she wasn’t sure she wanted to find them.

Episode 6: Boast Busters (Part 1)

In Twilight’s library.

It is the middle of the night. Spike is resting peacefully.

Spike (dreaming, muttering): Yes… burn, Canterlot… burn to the ground… Sorry Moondancer… you were just a phase…

Suddenly, Twilight shakes Spike awake.

Twilight: SPIKE, SPIKE, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!!!

Spike: Ahhhh! Twilight, what is it?!

Twilight: The tower’s on fire, and we’re still trapped inside!

Spike: NO! It wasn’t supposed to happen this way! Help!

Spike runs for the door before gradually slowing down and turning back to Twilight.

Spike: Wait… we’re in the library… in Ponyville…

Twilight: Yep! One-hundred percent fire free! Unless someone tried to bomb the Planned Parenthood center again

Spike: Then, why would you…

Twilight: I heard you muttering, and you needed to learn your lesson, Spike. You know the fire dreams are forbidden!

Spike: What dreams AREN’T forbidden?! Just last week you-

Twilight: You’ll get no apology from me for interrupting the sex dream. I won’t have that filth in my tree.

Spike: I should be a growing boy, Twilight! I… probably still have hormones. And it’s been a LONG time since Moondancer.

Twilight: We’re in a LIBRARY, Spike. How hard can it be to get lucky?!

Spike: Right. So, is this all you woke me up for, or-

Twilight: No, Spike. It’s almost 3:23 in the morning. Do you know what that means?

Spike (after a pause): Add a colon and you’ve got a palindrome?

Twilight: Obviously not. It means the planets are in alignment! For the next forty-eight hours, tapping into universal energy will make magic spells extra potent.

Spike: So what do you need me for? Cheerleading wasn’t part of my contract.

Twilight: Oh, Spike, slaves don’t sign contracts. Besides, you’d look terrible in a skirt!

Spike: …it was an idiom.

Twilight: No, I need you to test a high-level spell on. The binding spell Celestia placed on you is ancient magic, indecipherable in the modern tongue. Nonetheless, I think I may be able to disable it.

Spike: Really?!

Twilight: Maybe. Like I said, this is high-level magic we’re dealing with. It will require my utmost concentration.

Spike: I’ll be quiet!

Spike grins in anticipation as Twilight charges a powerful spell. A tingling sensation washes over his entire body as Twilight touches her horn to his shoulder.

Twilight (panting): There. It worked.

Spike: It worked. It worked?!

Spike jumps into the air.

Spike: I’m free!

Spike resumes his beeline toward the front door.

Spike: So long, Twilight. I… I don’t really have a goodbye speech on such short notice. Just know I won’t miss you.

When Spike touches the front door, a jolt of electricity sends him flying backward, landing face-first on the ground next to Twilight.

Twilight: Excellent. The barrier spell works too!

Spike: Ughhh…

Twilight: Oh my, that’s a nasty bruise on your face. Here, I’ve got just the thing to cover it up!

Twilight casts another spell, and Spike sprouts a full, jet-black moustache.

Twilight: It’s like your first taste of puberty. Now let’s restore that binding spell…

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 6: Boast Busterrs

The next day.

Twilight and Spike are walking through Ponyville.

Spike: Twenty-five, Twilight. Twenty-five different razors, and none of them could get this thing off my face.

Twilight: Moustache spells are deep magic. I’m sure it’ll fall off on its own once the planetary cycle draws to a close.

Spike: Two whole days of looking like a porn star…

Twilight: No one would watch dragon porn. Anyway, I’m just thrilled the spell worked. In such a short time, I’ve experimented with so many new kinds of magic!

Spike: Yeah, you’re dipping into everything. But I thought unicorns were only supposed to have a little magic that matches their special talents.

Twilight: True, for ponies whose talents are for menial skills like knitting clothes or playing music. But what if a unicorn’s special talent IS magic?

Spike: That Element really got to your head, huh?

Snails: Make way, coming through!

Snips and Snails careen into Twilight, sending all three ponies crashing to the ground.

Twilight: AHHHH! What are you creatures?! You’re… you’re horrible!

Snips: Yes, that is a valid reaction to beholding our visage.

Snails: Other acceptable reactions include projectile vomiting, seizure, instant-onset post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicide by cyanide.

Snips: Would you like a cyanide capsule? We keep them on us at all times as penance for our existence.

Twilight: Are you… ponies?!

Snails: In the loosest sense.

Snips: Our creator wished only for three sons, to love and cherish. Unable to conceive, she endeavored to create them. Her concoction was perfect, but for one crucial missing ingredient.

Snails: Two if you count Chemical X.

Snips: Without puppy dog tails, one perfect colt could not be engineered. Instead, my brother and I were born, each embodying one-third of a whole pony, stunted and disfigured, forever doomed to walk Equestria straddling the line between existence and the void.

Snails: Our minds do not comprehend life as yours do. Love, happiness, loss, notions of object permanence; these are but a few of the tentpoles of existence to which we can claim no grasp.

Spike: And I’m a slave. Life is tough.

Snips: The mustachioed one is correct. Our rambling explanations do little to justify the collision we instigated. We’ve heard tell of a new unicorn in town, setting up shop at the town square.

Twilight: A new unicorn?

Snails: We are to understand that she has greater magical powers than any other unicorn alive today. My brother and I are incapable of excitement… unless magic is involved.

Snips: Magic calls to us. We believe with all our hearts…

Snails: Sixty-six point six repeating percent of a heart.

Snips: …that our true purpose can be found through magic. We were careless in our haste, and for that we apologize. But we must proceed to the square, to witness for ourselves the glory of Ponyville’s new guest.

Snips and Snails run off.

Spike: Now I’ve seen everything.

Twilight (distraught): Greater magical powers? But… I’m the Element of Magic…

Episode 6: Boast Busters (Part 2)

At the town square.

A traveling stage has been erected, around which a crowd of ponies has gathered. Twilight and Spike make their way to the front of the crowd.

Trixie (voice booming):  Come one, come all, come and witness the amazing magic of the Great and Powerful Trixie!

Decorum unfolds on stage as Trixie elongates her name, appearing on stage in a cloud of glittering smoke. The audience gasps in astonishment.

Trixie: Watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!

Trixie exaggeratedly stands on her haunches as fireworks erupt all around her. Twilight works her way to the other members of the Mane Six while the fireworks continue flying.

Twilight: Well this is ridiculous.

Rainbow: Shh! We’re watching the show!

Twilight: What?! You’re not into this, are you?!

Rarity catches sight of Spike.

Rarity: Oh, Spike! Your plumage!

Spike: …you mean the moustache?

Rarity: It’s… it’s… to die for!

Pinkie: Hey! Dying is no laughing matter.

Pinkie pauses. Trixie shoots more fireworks.

Pinkie: Unless you died of laughter! Can you do that? I wonder if you can do that.

Rarity: I’m quite the… rider, if you catch my meaning.

Spike: But… you’re a horse…

Trixie: Behold! A warm-up trick!

Trixie magicks a bouquet of flowers in front of her and tosses it into the crowd. Ponies scream in excitement as it lands near them.

Crowd Pony A: Flowers! Just what Ponyville needs!

Crowd Pony B: We must protect and cherish this most generous gift.

Crowd Pony C: This urn contains my grandmother’s ashes, God rest her soul.

The pony dumps the ashes to the ground.

Crowd Pony C: Such divine flowers are more beautiful than she could ever hope to be!

Applejack: Such charisma! If she can translate stage presence to screen presence, I might could ride the Trixie train straight to Hollywood.

Twilight: Are you girls serious?! She’s not even that good. Look!

Twilight magicks her own, bigger bouquet of flowers and hurls it into the crowd.

Crowd Pony D: Hmph. Flowers are oversaturated now.

Crowd Pony C: I’d sooner plant my grandmother than these.

Twilight: That doesn’t even make sense!

Applejack: Now Twilight, no one likes a one-upper.

Fluttershy: I admire Trixie’s courage. I could NEVER get up on stage like that. Why, just middle school speech class was enough to send me cowering under the bathroom stall. It got so bad I had to retake the class in the summer all by myself, with painted faces on the walls to simulate an audience.

Trixie: Feast your eyes, good Ponyville, for you haven’t seen anything yet!

Fluttershy (muttering): I got a C minus…

Trixie focuses all her energy into her horn, and vibrant images burst into life above the enraptured crowd, depicting a fearsome Ursa Major terrorizing a nameless village.

Trixie: This, citizens, is an Ursa Major, one of the most ferocious beasts in all Equestria! This particular Ursa Major saw fit to terrorize a nearby farmers’ hamlet-

Applejack (tsking): And Celestia did nothing, no doubt.

Derpy: A great magician AND well-read!

Trixie: -spelling certain death for the innocent Earth Ponies. The Great and Powerful Trixie stands for no such injustice! Alone she faced the towering beast, but was Trixie scared? Of course not! For do you know what the Great and Powerful Trixie had on her side?

Pinkie: A bottomless well of Phoenix Downs?

Derpy: Weaponized muffins?

Crowd Pony C: The unconditional love of a cherished grandparent?

Twilight (under her breath): A knack for embellishment?

Trixie: No, silly ponies. The Great and Powerful Trixie wielded the most powerful magic… IN THE WORLD!

As Trixie shouts, a visual representation of herself appears above the villagers and vanquishes the Ursa Major with her unstoppable magic. The crowd cheers wildly.

Crowd Pony E: Of course!

Crowd Pony F: It all makes sense now!

Derpy: I’m hungry.

Trixie: I led the defeated Ursa back to its home in the Everfree Forest, never to disturb pony kind again!

The crowd erupts in even more raucous cheering.

Spike: Jeez, just how many ways are there to die in the Everfree Forest?

Pinkie: Literally hundreds. I keep a checklist.

Trixie: Yes, Ponyville, bask. Bask in the effervescent glow of Trixie’s vast superiority!

Snips: I can feel its warmth!

Snails: Brother! I have never been more alive!

Trixie: Take in the aura of the greatest magic user who EVER LIVED!

Twilight: ENOUGH!!!

Twilight warps herself on stage directly in front of Twilight.

Spike (under his breath): Oh no…

Rainbow: Twilight! What are you doing?!

Twilight: You’re NOT the greatest magic user who ever lived! You’re a fraud, performing nothing but cheap parlor tricks!

Trixie (addressing the audience): Well, well, well. It seems a neigh-sayer has made herself known.

The crowd bursts with laughter.

Crowd Pony G: Horse puns never get old!

Twilight: You stand up here with your boasts and your empty claims. I’M the Element of Magic! I’M Celestia’s personal protégé! You can’t be the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, because the position is already filled!

Every Pony: Boooo!!!

Pinkie: We already DID envy, Twilight, remember? Find a new theme!

Rarity: Twilight, darling, get off the stage. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Trixie: Your derision is much appreciated, faithful audience, but do not let your judgment be clouded. If Twilight wishes to challenge the Great and Powerful Trixie in a magic competition, it shall be so! Upon this very stage, tomorrow, at this very hour the competition will be held. If you do not object?

Twilight (curt): I’ll be there.

Twilight warps away.

Trixie: The performance has been deferred, oh magic lovers of Ponyville. Return tomorrow for the most spectacular sights your eyes will behold in their fleeting lifetimes! You may go, but first: the Great and Powerful Trixie will require bodyguards in the night, to deter Doubting Twilight from playing the saboteur. Trixie is a demanding mistress; spineless milquetoasts who will not question orders, yet seek the first steps down the road of higher glory will prove the best applicants.

Trixie’s stage props fold back into their compartments.

Trixie: I shall find a suitable street upon which to set up shop.

Trixie’s entire stage disappears.

Snails: Brother, together we possess less than one spine.

Snips: I greatly enjoy milk and toast!

Snails: And we lack the capacity to question orders.

Snips: Our perverse lives have led to this moment, Snails. There is no doubt we were meant to be the Great and Powerful Trixie’s personal bodyguards!

Episode 6: Boast Busters (Part 3)

Later that day, Spike bursts through the door of the library.

Spike: Twilight! What is the matter with you?!

Twilight appears in a puff of purple smoke next to Spike.

Twilight: What’s the matter with me?!

Spike: That’s right.

Twilight: What’s the matter with you?! And Ponyville! And Trixie! Did you SEE her, Spike?! Parading on stage with her lies and her… her la dee da tricks even an earth pony could pull off.

Spike: She’s a performer!

Twilight: Well she’s not a very good one.

Spike: That doesn’t give you the right to make an ass of yourself in front of the whole town… including actual asses!

Mulio, a mule, pokes his head through the window.

Mulio: It’s true, Twilight. You really dragoned it up out there.

Spike (sighing): I hate that pejorative…

Twilight: Get out, Mulio, you’re a drain on society!

Mulio (leaving): Fair enough.

Spike: You know, seems to me you should be trying to court the town’s favor, given your current low standing. Let’s not forget your little bonfire spreading to Derpy’s house…

In the past.

A crowd has gathered outside Derpy’s house, watching in terror as it burns. A team of fireponies is on the scene, attempting to dispel the flames.

Derpy: Stand back, everypony! I’ll use my cutie mark!

Derpy hurls herself flank-first into the roaring flame.

In the present.

Twilight: She’s been through worse.

Spike: She was in the hospital for two weeks!

Twilight: She gets frequent flyer miles there! She brings in so much revenue they named the entire “Derpy Wing” after her. On more than one occasion she’s asked how they turned her wing into a hospital without her knowing, and if they would please give it back.

Spike: None of which pertains to Trixie!

Twilight: You know, Spike, I read a book once: “Everyone Poofs: Baby’s First Spells.” Nothing Trixie did goes past the first page… no, the front cover!

Spike: Yes, but why do you care?!

Twilight: Because… because… magic is all I have. My entire life it’s been the only thing to distinguish me. I hatched you, Celestia took me under her wing… my whole life has been devoted to its study, and when the Element of Magic chose me, it’s like everything fell into place. I have friends now; actual friends… but it’s all so conditional. If Trixie really is better than me… won’t they all just go to her?

Spike: You think ponies are your friends because of magic?

Twilight: I ran a statistical analysis. It’s the most likely explanation.

Twilight’s Mind: Magical prowess: 50% probability. Connection to royalty: 20% probability. Transcendent beauty: 14% probability. Obligation, having saved Ponyville: 10% probability. Intellectual superiority: 7% probability.

Spike: That’s what this is all about? Friendship doesn’t work like that, Twilight. Friends aren’t statistics.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie bursts through the door holding a laptop.

Pinkie: Guys, guys, I just broke four thousand friends on Facebook! I don’t even know “Knight Shade,” but who cares? Four thousand. Four. THOUSAND!

Twilight and Spike stare at Pinkie.

Pinkie: Sorry… bad time? Bad time.

Pinkie bounds out the door.

Twilight: Spike, you’re my best friend-

Spike: Indentured servant.

Twilight: -do you really think everypony would still like me if Trixie was a more powerful unicorn? Which she isn’t.

Spike: They don’t like you now… but yes, I’m sure they could forgive you.

Twilight: I suppose… I owe Trixie an apology then, don’t I?

Spike: That would probably be a good place to start.

Episode 6: Boast Busters (Part 4)

That evening, at Trixie’s makeshift abode.

Snips: I have brought the smoothie you requested, oh object of my most devout protection. A surplus of hay has been included, meeting your exact taste specifications.

Snails: Hay is a rich source of nutrients

Rolling her eyes, Trixie magicks the smoothie to her mouth and begins drinking. Motionless, Snips and Snails stare at her.

Trixie: …yes?

Snips: Regale us with another tale of your magical heroics, Great and Powerful Trixie.

Snails: We shall listen, and prepare reports detailing the central themes and metaphors of your timeless tales.

Trixie: Trixie is far too exhausted from performing feats beyond imagination. Guard me silently – you are not paid for your company.

Snails: We’re getting paid?!

Twilight walks up to the group.

Snips and Snails: HALT! WHO GOES THERE?!

Twilight: Hi guys, it’s me… Twilight.

Snips: REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THESE PREMISES OR YOU SHALL BE REMOVED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!

Trixie: You’ve made your point, bodyguard. The Great and Powerful Trixie can handle herself.

Trixie (to Twilight): I was wondering if you would come. Please, step inside my tent.

A tent appears behind Trixie, and she walks inside.

Snails: Benevolent overlord! Where did you go?!

Trixie: I’m in the tent you dolts.

Snips and Snails stand upright.

Snails: Of course.

Snips: You may enter, Twilight.

Twilight steps inside the tent.

Snails: Best bodyguards ever.

Once Twilight is inside, Trixie casts a spell.

Trixie: There. That will prevent those idiots from overhearing us.

Twilight: Trixie, I just wanted to… how I acted today, it was out of line. I wanted to apologize, to try to make things right.

Trixie: Apologize?

Trixie pauses.

Trixie: Apologize?!

Trixie laughs uproariously.

Trixie: You know not that which you need apologize for!

Twilight: Um… all right…

Trixie: Of course you don’t remember. Why would you? It was so long ago… at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns!

Twilight: Back at school…?

Trixie: Yes. I tried out the same year you did, Twilight Sparkle. Twenty dragon eggs were harvested that year, for twenty students admitted to the class, and twenty only. My family was not from Canterlot, and could not afford another trip. I had but one chance… and my entrance exam was scheduled immediately following yours. I was just outside the door.

Twilight: You were?

Trixie: I felt the Sonic Rainboom. I saw through the door your… transformation. The way your eyes glowed, your magic surged… it was unnatural. Celestia may not have seen it, but I knew yours was a dark magic.

Twilight: That’s not true!

Trixie: But it is. I’ve done extensive research. For you see, the Rainboom had an unexpected side effect: it carried your spell. All dragon eggs within its radius were hatched instantaneously. Canterlot’s entire supply, gone in an instant. All further entrance exams for the year were canceled – only those who had already passed were permitted into the school. “Please try again next year,” Celestia said, as if it mattered. We left Canterlot dejected, my one chance having been ruined by you.

Twilight: That’s… not my fault…

Trixie: I spent years studying what I had seen. Black magic, witchcraft, the occult; I knew SOMETHING had the answer. And indeed, I finally found it, in an ancient tome black as soot, written in an obsolete tongue. The translation was arduous, but it pointed to an inescapable conclusion: a zebra curse.

Twilight: What?!

Trixie: You were cursed at birth by zebra magic, undetectable to any unicorn. It lies dormant within you, waiting to be awakened by external stimuli. What purpose this curse serves is unclear, but I can tell you this: it is not just to hatch eggs.

Twilight: This is insane! I’m through apologizing to you! I thought I was the jealous one, but you have to make up lies just to feel better about yourself!

Trixie: You were never meant for magic. My Cutie Mark is a wand! What’s yours… a sparkle?!

Twilight: It’s my family crest!

Trixie: How quaint.

Twilight: I don’t like your tone!

Trixie: Nonetheless, I will take it. Revenge is all that matters to me, Twilight. Revenge, and exposing you for the abomination you are. When I heard you had vanquished Nightmare Moon, I knew the time had arrived. I came to Ponyville for you, I adopted my persona to pry at your insecurities, I proposed our competition with the utmost of intention. Tomorrow you shall find your magic put to the ultimate test.

Trixie pauses.

Trixie: The truth of your existence will be laid bare for all to see.

Twilight: And your LIES will be exposed! I’m the Element of Magic! I’m not a monster, and I could beat you at your stupid game with one hoof tied behind my back!

Trixie: I eagerly anticipate it.

Twilight scream then runs out of the tent.

Snips (to Snails): Our very presence finally drove her away. Truly, we have found our calling in bodyguarding.

Episode 6: Boast Busters (Part 5)

Back at the library, Twilight is pacing furiously.

Spike: She just said all that to get under your skin.

Twilight: Well it WORKED!

Spike: Calm down. You’re OBVIOUSLY not the product of some ancient zebra curse.  There hasn’t even been a zebra in Equestria for… who knows how long?

Twilight: Then what’s her plan?!

Spike: There is no plan. She’s just trying to psych you out. Be better than her, Twilight. Beat her at her own game and win back your friends.

Spike pauses.

Spike: I mean, or don’t. I really have nothing at stake here. Still, it’s late and I’d like to go to sleep.

Twilight: Fine.

Twilight turns off the lights, but stares wistfully into the night sky.

The next day, in the center of Ponyville, Trixie has once again set up her magic stage, and the crowd has gathered.

Trixie: Good citizens of Ponyville, the fated hour is at hand.

In the crowd, Applejack is fiddling with a camera on a tripod.

Applejack: Dangnabbit, I can’t get the focus right with all these extras crowdin’ my shot.

Rainbow: You’re filming this?

Applejack: The raw “you are there” documentary style is all the rage these days. “Magic Duel” is gonna take the underground circuit by storm.

Pinkie: Magic Duel?

Applejack: The title of my documentary.

Pinkie: Right.

Trixie: The title of “Greatest Magic User in Equestria” is a vaunted one, yet contested as well. The Great and Powerful Trixie knows the honor belongs to her, yet your very own Twilight Sparkle has seen fit to contest my reign.

Crowd Pony A: She’s not “ours.”

Crowd Pony B: No one even invited her. She just showed up!

Trixie: The matter will be decided once and for all, through a magic competition the likes of which this world has never seen. Twilight, come to this stage and FACE ME!

Twilight appears on stage in a cloud of magic smoke.

Twilight: Before we begin, I’d like to say a few words to the crowd. If you wouldn’t mind, Trixie.

Trixie: It makes no difference. I will allow it.

Twilight: Canterlot was my home for much of my life, but it was never my HOME. I didn’t make friends easily… or at all. My books kept me company, my studies kept me sane, but there was something missing from my life, something I could never place my hoof on… until I came to Ponyville. It’s here, in the warm laugh of a close friend, in the cheerful smile of a friendly neighbor, that I’ve found what truly matters in life: other ponies. The way I acted yesterday was an embarrassment. Also that bonfire got a bit out of hoof. I deserve the flak I’ve caught. Much soul searching has led me to the conclusion that my standing in this community is more important than any meaningless title.

Twilight turns to Trixie.

Twilight: There will be no competition, Trixie. I concede defeat.

Twilight (to the crowd): Please forgive me.

The crowd murmurs excitedly, obviously responsive to Twilight’s plea.

Trixie: WHAT?!

A cloud of red smoke erupts behind Trixie.

Trixie: You cannot back out of your commitment so easily. The competition WILL go on!

Rarity: Ooh, drama. How theatrical!

Twilight: You won, Trixie. You’re the greatest magic user in Equestria.

Trixie: A lifetime of work will not be undone by some saccharine display of modesty. Our magic will fly, and the world will know you for what you truly are!

Trixie casts a lightning bolt at Twilight, which she quickly dodges. The crowd erupts.

Crowd Pony A: The show’s over, Trixie.

Crowd Pony B: No one likes a sore winner.

Trixie: SILENCE!!

Trixie casts a spell and Crowd Pony B vanishes.

Crowd Pony D: What did you do to her?!

Trixie: I sent her away, where she will not be a bother.

In the Everfree Forest.

Crowd Pony B appears in a humble hut, surrounded by two dead manticore kittens and half-eaten muffins.

Crowd Pony B: Well, I was hungry anyway.

The pony picks up the two corpses.

Crowd Pony B: These will go great in a stew!

Back in Ponyville.

Trixie casts a magic dome around the pavilion, trapping everyone inside.

Trixie: Anyone else who interrupts these proceedings will meet a fate assuredly less kind. Now, Twilight, where were we?

Twilight: Not having a magic competition!

Trixie: You are not in a position to refuse. Yet you require more convincing? Very well.

Trixie casts a spell, and the other five members of the Mane Six appear on stage, hooves bound by magic cuffs.

Applejack: Put us back! I gotta stay behind the camera!

Trixie: If you refuse, one of your closest friends… will die.

A hush falls over the audience.

Pinkie: Ooh, ooh, pick me! I volunteer!

Trixie looks over the five captive ponies.

Pinkie: Pleeeeeaassseee, pick me! I’ll do anything.

Trixie continues looking over her captives.

Pinkie: Just pick me. Pick me pick me pick me!

Trixie: The yellow one.

The other four ponies are returned to the crowd, but Fluttershy remains on stage. She whimpers piteously.

Trixie: What say you, Twilight Sparkle?

Crowd Pony A: Give her hell, Twilight!

Crowd Pony C: Do it for my dearly departed grandma!

Twilight: Fine.

Trixie: Excellent. And if you lose…your friend dies.

Fluttershy squeals even louder.

Twilight: No! That’s not fair!

Trixie: You’re in no position to make demands. Now, for your first challenge: the pony I just banished… bring her back.

Twilight: But I don’t know where she is!

Trixie: Irrelevant.

Twilight closes her eyes and concentrates. She charges her horn to full power, then screams as she lets out a powerful spell. Crowd Pony B reappears in the crowd, with a bubbling pot in front of her.

Crowd Pony B: Hey guys… who’s hungry?

Trixie: Child’s play. Fair is fair, you may now propose a magic challenge for the Great and Powerful Trixie.

Twilight: Um…

Twilight’s Mind: Processing. Processing. Insufficient data. Generating randomized response.

Twilight: Find the first partial derivatives of the function f(x,y) = y^5 – 3xy.

Trixie: That’s not magic!

Applejack: Sure sounds like it to me.

Twilight: Using magic, find the first partial derivatives of the function f(x,y) = y^5 – 3xy.

Trixie: This is beneath me.

Trixie concentrates momentarily.

Trixie: With respect to x: -3y. With respect to y: 5y^4 – 3x.

Twilight (under her breath): She’s good.

Episode 4: Applebuck Season

In Fluttershy's cottage.

Fluttershy is humming to herself as she tends to a small family of squirrels. Suddenly, there is a knocking at the front door.

Fluttershy: I didn't order any stem cells today...

Fluttershy opens the door to find the manticore from the Everfree Forest waiting for her, severed paw being held over ice in a zip lock bag. There is an extended silence between the two.

Fluttershy: ...where did you get the ice?

At Sugarcube Corner.

Pinkie Pie lies brutally murdered on the floor; the store's walk-in freezer ransacked and food strewn about the building.

Back at the cottage.

Fluttershy: No matter, let's get you to the lab for reattachment surgery right away!

Downstairs, in Fluttershy's lab.

The room is dim; lit only by a scarce few lightbulbs flickering in and out of power, and suspended from the ceiling by string. Beakers and vials filled with mysterious substances line the countertops; the walls are adorned with various posters detailing the anatomy and physiology of different species. Indeterminate body parts in translucent containers filled with embalming fluid dot the counters, filling in spaces left between the beakers and vials. Five cages line the back of the room: four empty, at least for now. In the fifth, a small dark figure lies motionless on the ground, covered by a blanket. A thin layer of dust and grime coats everything in sight. Fluttershy leads the manticore to a marble slab in the middle of the room, which she proceeds to strap him down to.

Fluttershy: There. Now, let's take a look at that paw.

Fluttershy pulls the paw out of the bag and studies it carefully. Her face falls further and further with each passing moment until she finally turns back to the manticore.

Fluttershy: When did you put this on ice?

The manticore opens his mouth.

Fluttershy (preemptively interrupting): Um... that was really a rhetorical question. I'm sorry for the confusion. I know it was within the last hour.

Ashamed, the manticore nods silently.

Fluttershy: That's like... only flossing your teeth right before going to the dentist. Doctors know these things. I'm sorry, but decomposition has already pushed this paw past the critical point. Your body would reject the graft.

Fluttershy turns from the concerned creature, but continues speaking.

Fluttershy: This raises a new dilemma. Nature favors symmetry. Natural selection will make quick work of you if I release you back into the woods as is. It's a miracle you're still alive at all.

Fluttershy runs over and nuzzles her head against the manticore's.

Fluttershy: And I just can't stand the thought of you dying, Mr. Manticore. You're too precious. There is but one solution.

Fluttershy opens a nearby drawer.

Fluttershy: Oh no... I forgot I used the last of the anesthetic fusing that flamingo with a street light. Well... what didn't kill you last time has only made you stronger. I don't have any sticks around, but here, bite into this.

Fluttershy stuffs the manticore's own paw into his mouth, then pulls out her chainsaw.

Fluttershy: I just replaced the chain, so it should be much smoother this time!

Before the manticore can react, Fluttershy lowers her implement and severs his other paw, restoring perfect symmetry to the beast. The manticore howls in pain before letting out a gurgle and stopping abruptly.

Fluttershy (happily): We can wrap THIS wound much more effectively here in my lab!

A disconcerting silence hangs over the air.

Fluttershy: Mr. Manticore?

Fluttershy notices the empty look in the manticore's eyes.

Fluttershy: ...Mr. Manticore?

She hurriedly removes the creature's straps, sending its body crumpling lifelessly to the ground.

Fluttershy (tears welling in her eyes): No...

Fluttershy runs to a nearby counter.

Fluttershy (mania seeping into her voice): I'll give you another lollipop! A good flavor this time; cherry! Or root beer!

Digging through a drawer, carelessly throwing objects behind her until she finds an adrenaline syringe, Fluttershy desperately plunges the needle into the manticore's chest. But it's no use. The creature is dead. Finally losing it, Fluttershy sobs uncontrollably, curling into a ball and resting her head against the fading warmth of the manticore's body.

Fluttershy (in between tears): I was just trying to help... they told me I was helping... they always told me I was helping...

Fluttershy's head twitches, and she rigidly shoots to her feet.

Fluttershy: Well, time to harvest your organs for gravy. Rest easy knowing your protein will make all of Ponyville stronger this Hearth's Warming Eve.

As Fluttershy heads upstairs to the kitchen to gather her organ-harvesting utensils, a mysterious voice calls out to her.

Mysterious Voice: Fluttershy...

Fluttershy: Not now!

Mysterious Voice: Is that it? Another innocent animal's death is on your hooves, and you think you can just bury it? Push it down and let your psyche carry the burden?

Fluttershy: There's no burden! Sacrifice is an unavoidable stepping stone to scientific advancement!

Mysterious Voice: Oh really? Why the waterworks, then?

Fluttershy: That was... that was a moment of weakness...

Mysterious Voice: Because you ARE weak! A falsely proclaimed national hero. You create abominations and call it "science!" If there's truly no burden, remove this blanket and face what you've done!

Fluttershy: NO!

Running upstairs, Fluttershy slams the laboratory door behind her. The voice echoes throughout the house.

Mysterious Voice: Look at me, Fluttershy. Own up to your actions and LOOK AT ME!

Fluttershy: GO AWAY!!!

Fluttershy flies out the front door as fast as she can.

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack and Big Macintosh are surveying the ripe apple orchard before them.

Applejack: Boy howdy! I got my work cut out for me. That there is the biggest bumper crop of apples I ever laid eyes on.

Big Macintosh: Eeyup. Too big for you to handle on your own.

Applejack (defensively): Is that so?

Big Macintosh: Maybe. Let's make it interesting. If you can buck all those apples by yourself, I'll walk down Stirrup Street in one of Granny's girdles.

Applejack: What is it with you and girdles? It's like that scared straight camp didn't do nothin'! Maybe I should forbid you from talkin' to Rainbow Dash too.

Big Macintosh: I'm your older brother.

Applejack: And I'm the bread winner. My word is law.

Apple Bloom walks up.

Apple Bloom (beaming): Hey guys, I won a loaf of bread in the school spelling bee today!

Applejack (to Big Macintosh): I meant it metaphorically.

Applejack (to Apple Bloom): They're handin' out bread as a prize now?

Apple Bloom: Honey wheat. The BEST bread!

Applejack: Budget cuts really hit them hard...

Apple Bloom: But Miss Cheerilee says we can live on bread alone!

Applejack: Oh really?! Well I'll need to have a little chat with this teacher of yours!

Apple Bloom: Ok... well... I'm gonna go enjoy my prize now!

Applejack: Save room for supper.

Apple Bloom (shouting as she runs off): Does supper involve apples?

Applejack: Of course!

Apple Bloom (shouting): I'm eating the entire loaf!

Applejack sighs as she turns back to the orchard.

Applejack: She'll grow outta her rebellious phase eventually. Anyway, I'll take you up on your challenge, but without the girdle! If I can buck all these apples by myself, you have to walk down Stirrup Street in full football gear, like a true stallion should!

Big Macintosh: Eeyup. But if you fail, YOU have to walk down Stirrup Street in full football gear.

Applejack: Deal. I won't fail.

Fluttershy descends from the air and lands next to the two siblings.

Fluttershy: Um, hi... Applejack and Big Macintosh...

Applejack: Well howdy, Fluttershy. What can I do for ya?

Fluttershy: I just... didn't want to be in my cottage...

Applejack: Well, you're always welcome here. You can bear witness to my apple buckin'!

Fluttershy: I can?

Applejack: Big Macintosh here don't think I can do it, but I'm about to buck all those apples all by my lonesome.

Fluttershy: Oh, Applejack, there's so many. Are you sure you can handle it?

Applejack: Like I always told my teachers, numbers don't matter a lick! This job ain't nothin'.

Less confidently, Applejack gulps at the sight of the sea of 842,656 apples sprawled out before her.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 4: Applebuck Season

Later, Applejack is standing alone among the apple trees.

Applejack: Well, I'd better get kickin'. These apples aren't gonna shake themselves outta the trees.

As if on cue, the earth starts shaking and an apple falls from a tree directly onto Applejack's head.

Applejack: Hey! It worked! Take that, Newton!

As the ground continues to tremble, Applejack looks behind her to see the cause of the quakes.

Applejack: Whoa Nelly!

Applejack quickly runs away.

In Ponyville.

The tremors are felt throughout the entire town. Ponies gather in the street, frightened and confused. Rainbow Dash flies into the air in an effort to scope out the root of the commotion. She discovers, much to her shock, a...

Rainbow: STAMPEDE!!!

A herd of crazed cows is the source of the seismic activity, bulleting along on a collision course for Ponyville. Every pony breaks out in panic; some hide indoors while others merely run around aimlessly. Pinkie Pie giggles as the tremors send vibrations through her vocal cords.

Pinkie: Hey! This makes my voice sound silly!

Twilight: Pinkie Pie, are you crazy?! RUN!

After a moment.

Twilight: Or don't, I guess. It doesn't really make much difference for you.

Mayor: Every pony calm down. The day we have long feared is at hoof. Derpy Hooves! Fetch me a collection of medium rare offerings we may present to appease our new bovine overlords.

Derpy: Yes, ma'am!

Derpy flies off, her eyes ablaze with purpose.

Mayor: Good. Now that she can't screw anything up, every pony else, grovel at the hooves of our oppressors and pray for mercy.

Rarity: But groveling is for the proletariat! Surely you do not expect your future queen to indignify herself in such a manner.

Mayor (kneeling to the ground): Your funeral.

Rarity (huffing): Hmph. Well at least I don't walk around with shrubbery growing out of my collar. Not even Rainbow Dash could find such a bush stylish!

Rainbow: Didn't catch that, but look there!

Rainbow Dash points to the stampede, where Applejack and her dog Winona can now be seen running alongside the cows.

Applejack: Yee-haw!

Mayor: She defected already?! Well isn't that just like a southerner!

Applejack: Move aside, Winona!

Winona pulls back, allowing the herd to pull ahead of her, then accelerates to run parallel to Applejack on the opposite side of the herd. As it becomes clear that Applejack has not joined the cows and is, in fact, corralling them, all of Ponyville erupts in a raucous cheer.

Pinkie (popcorn in hand): This is the best rodeo show I've ever seen. Actually, it's the only rodeo show I've ever seen.

After a moment.

Pinkie (angrily throwing popcorn): This is the worst rodeo show I've ever seen!

As the stampede gets closer and closer to the bridge into Ponyville, Applejack makes her move.

Applejack (whistling): Winona, put 'em up!

Defying as many laws of physics as possible, Winona jumps onto one of the cows, then uses the creature as a launching pad to leap in front of the stampede. Applejack, even more impossibly, leaps onto the same cow and balances on its back.

Applejack: Ha ha. Gotcha!

Applejack pulls a lasso out of her hat and throws it so that it perfectly wraps around the lead cow's neck. Remarkably, rather than restricting airflow, it causes the entire herd to veer away from Ponyville.

Applejack: YEE-HAW!

Lasso still in teeth, Applejack shifts her weight into her hind legs, disregarding momentum and bringing the cow to a complete stop almost instantly. The rest of the herd follows suit.

Applejack: Now what was that all about?

Damona: Moo! Oh my, begging your pardon, Applejack, but there was a little filly who snuck in here and just kept kicking us 'till we all started running. Ponyville should really keep better watch on its children.

Applejack: Well who was it? Maybe she just misinterpreted what "cow tippin'" meant.

Two nearby cows step aside to reveal Apple, lying low to the ground in an effort to remain hidden to the best of her ability.

Applejack: Apple?!

Apple: Just let me go!

Applejack: So... tryin' to use the old "provoke a stampede then hide among that stampede to escape from the farm" trick. Well it ain't gonna work. Now you run along home to the punishment corner and think about what you did.

Apple: But that's where Granny Smith takes her sponge baths!

Applejack: Well it ain't called the punishment corner for nothin'.

Sobbing silently to herself, Apple trudges back toward Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack (shouting): Make sure she spends extra time on the bunions!

Applejack turns back to the herd.

Applejack: You can run along now, too. She won't be botherin' you no more. Sorry 'bout all that.

Damona: Oh, it's no trouble at all! So long Winona!

Applejack and the herd go their separate ways.

Cow A (to Cow B): Hey, did you know there's no pony living in the moon anymore?

Cow B: Really?

Cow A: Yeah, I noticed it the last time I was up there. What do you think's up with that?

Back in Ponyville, silhouetted dramatically by the setting sun, Applejack rounds a hill to the fanfare of the entire town. Continuing the show, Applejack gallops away valiantly.

Applejack: Yee-haw!

Pinkie: Ride 'em cowpony! Applejack was apple-tastic!

Mayor: Indeed. We must do something to thank Applejack for never turning against Ponyville, against all expectations!

Pinkie: I know! A party!

Derpy flies back into town, arms full of precious gemstones.

Derpy: I brought an offering!

Mayor: Well done, Derpy!

The Mayor sees the gemstones.

Mayor: Oh no. I said medium rare. These are just rare! Take them back.

Rarity: I could use them!

Mayor: Really? Derpy, scatter the gems among the shrubbery.

Derpy: Ok...

Confused, Derpy flies away from Ponyville once again.

Rarity (seething under her breath): Ohhh, there shall be no place for you in my kingdom, Mayor. Make no mistake.

Mayor: Now, preparations for Applejack's party will begin immediately.

The next day.

Ponyville is decorated with balloons, streamers, pendants, and other accoutrements of parties. Twilight walks up to Rarity, who is tying a giant bow to a tree.

Twilight: Great thinking, Rarity. Applejack loves trees!

Rarity: Oh, this isn't a gift. Merely a decoration.

Rarity uses her magic to hang an apple-adorned banner from the town pavilion.

Rarity: Now we're ready.

Twilight: Is Applejack all set?

Rainbow (flying up): Acutally, I haven't seen her since yesterday.

Pinkie: Not since the stampede.

Rainbow: But she'll be here for sure. Applejack is NEVER late.

Later that day, the Mayor stands at the podium in front of the pavilion; all of Ponyville is gathered before her.

Mayor: Welcome, every pony. Today we are here to honor Applejack, a mare who truly needs no introduction. But I'm being compensated by the hour, so here's an extended one. Sweet Apple Acres predates Ponyville itself, forming the backbone of our economy. Given that Granny Smith is hundreds of years old, it's safe to say we can rely on Applejack's services for centuries to come.

Every pony cheers.

Mayor: Indeed, Granny Smith is quite sprightly for her age. Yet here I am, barely pushing fifty, and I'm already graying! How's that for unfair? And I know what you're all thinking. "It's probably the diabetes. She'll be pushing up daisies quicker than you can push up an insulin shot." Well, we wouldn't have that problem if SOME PONY had discovered a cure like she promised!

The Mayor glares at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: I thought I should try to cure more serious diseases first. Like cancer.

Mayor: Fluttershy, dear, I don't have cancer. But I digress. Applejack's childhood was no different from any other southern filly's. Church on Sunday, church on Wednesday, farm labor the rest of the week, with the occasional lynch mob thrown in for levity. Despite a brief excursion to Manehattan, young Applejack would soon come to realize her special talent, as with all Apple family members, was apple-oriented. But then she saw The Seventh Seal and realized her passion was actually filmmaking. She had been gypped by genetics and fate alike.

Spike: Aren't those really the same thing?

Mayor: Applejack, ever the resilient one, dedicated herself simultaneously to both the farm and her directing career...

Forty minutes later.

Mayor: ...but did her mother's death and her father's subsequent disappearance slow Applejack down? Not at all. She took little Apple Bloom in and instilled her work with newfound purpose...

Fifty minutes later.

Mayor: ...defying all expectations and somehow earning a negative box office gross. Theaters literally PAID patrons to see it. New Razzies were invented just for the occasion...

Twenty minutes later.

Mayor: ...but failure will never keep her down, and there is truly nothing Applejack can't do, so long as the Pope condones it. Now, without any further ado, having squeezed your tax dollars for all they're worth, it is my pleasure to present the Prized Pony of Ponyville award to the one, the only... Applejack!

A collective gasp reverberates throughout the audience as Applejack is nowhere to be found on stage. An extended silence follows, as no pony is quite sure how to react to the lack of Applejack.

Applejack (shouting): I'm here! I'm here!

Applejack yawns loudly as she stumbles her way through the crowd. She carries baskets of apples on both sides, spilling the fruit at the hooves of the audience.

Applejack: I was just... whoa... did I get your tail?

Applejack finally reaches the stage and takes the stand.

Applejack (yawning): I'd like to thank the Academy... I take back all those awful things I said about y'all... your taste in movies ain't as antiquated as Kirk Douglas.

A confused murmur slowly works its way throughout the crowd.

Applejack: I got so many ponies to thank... but first, I just gotta say, I'm proud to be a part of this community. We're outta touch, ya know? We're the ones who held on to dragon slavery when the rest of Equestria considered emancipation. We're the ones who know Canterlot does not speak for the common mare. We're the ones who-

Twilight: Oh no, she thinks this is a conservative Academy Awards ceremony.

Rarity: It's a double delusion!

Twilight: Quick, Spike, play her off!

Spike: But all I have is my recorder... which I only picked up yesterday because my therapist said I needed a creative outlet!

Twilight: Perfect.

Spike: But all I know is "Mary Had a Little Lamb!"

Twilight: Just play it, Spike!

Spike pulls out his recorder and plays it to the best of his ability.

Applejack (yawning again): Oh, that's my cue! Well, thank y'all kindly once again for this award. It means a lot...

Applejack falls asleep standing up, snoring briefly before jumping up and regaining consciousness.

Applejack: Oh. Um, thanks!

Applejack grabs the trophy in her teeth and noisily drags it away from the crowd, back toward Sweet Apple Acres. Spike continues playing the second verse of the song.

Mayor: That's quite enough, Spike.

Fluttershy: I have eight lambs. I'm better than Mary.

Twilight: Was it just me, or did Applejack seem a little...

Rainbow: Tired?

Fluttershy: Dizzy?

Rarity: Unfit for command?

Mayor: Riding the white pony?

Twilight: Mayor, please! Celestia does NOT give free rides! No matter how much you beg...

Mayor: Never mind.

Twilight: Something was feeding her delusions, anyway. I read a book once, "Facing Delusions Head-On: You'll Never be a Successful Comedy Writer." I'm quite certain I can help snap her back to reality.

Pinkie: I don't get it. She seemed fine to me!

Twilight walks away from the stage. Two police officers approach Spike.

Officer A: Do you have a permit for that recorder?

Spike: I have a prescription...

Officer B: Nice try, dragon boy. Therapists can't prescribe medication.

Officer A: You know, recorders ain't medicine.

Officer B: That is an excellent point. You know what is medicine? Xanax.

Officer A: That's true. My wife takes that stuff. She used to wake up screaming in the night, having panic attacks about dragons eating her in her sleep.

Officer B: Ain't that just like a dragon?

Officer A: You know what else those dragons did, while they cooked her up into a little pony sandwich?

Officer B: What?

Officer A: They played satanic tribal music. On recorders.

Officer B: Get outta' town.

Officer A: I'm bein' so serious right now. Give a dragon a recorder, next thing ya know you're flambéed and he's got himself a stew goin'.

Officer B: That is just sick.

Spike: Are you guys done? I can't tell who's the good cop and who's the bad cop. You're just bantering amongst yourselves.

Officer A: But I can tell who's the bad dragon.

The officer takes Spike's recorder and breaks it on the ground.

Officer A: Get a permit next time.

The officers walk off.

Officer B (still audible in the distance): "Bad dragon," that was good, that was so good. Let's pepper spray 'im next time!

Later, at Sweet Apple Acres.

Exhausted, Applejack is bucking apples, straining herself further and further with each kick. She frequently dozes off standing up before shaking her head and walking to the next tree. Many of her kicks miss, and one kick even knocks over a full basket of apples.

Applejack: Whoops.

Twilight: What on earth is that pony doing?

Twilight (yelling) Hey Applejack!

Applejack falls asleep, and cannot hear Twilight over her own snores.

Twilight: Applejack!

Applejack continues snoring.

Twilight casts a spell and teleports directly in front of Applejack.

Twilight: APPLEJACK!

Startled, Applejack awakens.

Applejack: Oh. Howdy, Twilight.

Twilight: What is all this?

Applejack continues walking, forcing Twilight to teleport in front of her once again.

Applejack: It's Applebuck Season.

Twilight: Apple what season?

Applejack: It's what the Apple family calls harvestin' time. We gather all the apples from the trees so we can sell 'em.

Twilight: But why are you doing it all alone? Can't those relatives I met when I first came to Ponyville help?

Applejack: They were just here for the Summer Sun Celebration. They actually live all over Equestria; they're harvestin' their own apples right about now. Besides, if I can get all these apples down, Big Macintosh has to walk down Stirrup Street in linebacker gear!

Twilight: That's it? It's just another bet with your brother? Then I can help you!

Applejack: 'Fraid not, sugarcube. I gotta do this on my own.

Twilight: Why? You asked for my help with a nearly identical job just last week.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie leaps out of a nearby tree.

Pinkie (gasping): Are you saying our character traits aren't being kept internally consistent, and are instead being exaggerated on a week-by-week basis in service of an overplayed moral lesson?

Twilight: No. I'm just saying she doesn't have to suffer alone.

Pinkie: Oh. Boy was I off!

Twilight: Also, hi Pinkie Pie.

Applejack: Y'all don't have to understand, but I should really get back to work.

Twilight stands in front of Applejack, looking with worry at the bags forming under her friend's eyes.

Applejack: Hint hint.

Twilight (sighing): Fine.

Twilight steps aside.

Applejack: Could you step aside, Pinkie Pie?

Pinkie (laughing): Silly, I'm behind you. But okie dokie!

Giggling, Pinkie shuffles to her left. Applejack stumbles as she walks to the nearest tree.

Twilight: Are you sure you're all right?

Applejack: Don't none of you worry now, I'm just fine.

Applejack attempts to buck the tree, but misses completely.

Twilight: But there's no way you can do this on your own.

Applejack: Another challenger, eh?! Well, when I win, you can strap on one of Granny's girdles and make your way to Stirrup Street! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got apples to buck!

Later that day, in Ponyville.

Rainbow Dash is standing impatiently next to a contraption she's built. Applejack walks up, yawning.

Rainbow: There you are! You promised you'd help me with my new trick at two, but here you are two hours late. Do you know how long that is in rainbow Time?

Applejack: Rainbow Time?

Rainbow: It's a new unit of time, based on me, the fastest flyer in Equestria. I invented it.

Applejack: All right, then... how long is two hours?

Rainbow: Impossible to say. Rainbow Time makes no concessions for anything past an hour. Any longer, it may as well be tomorrow!

Applejack: It don't sound like a very good system of measurement...

Rainbow: It's a work in progress. But now that you're finally here, you can help me out! See this contraption?

Rainbow Dash points to a giant see-saw, with a tall wooden platform standing over it.

Rainbow: I'm gonna stand on one end, then you're gonna jump down from that platform, launching me into the air faster than I can take off on my own. Once I'm in the air, I'm gonna do some amazing flips and spins that are sure to impress the Wonder Bolts!

Applejack: But... they ain't around...

Rainbow: That's why you're gonna film me! I’ve got a video camera right over there! You just need to make sure it’s set up properly.

Applejack walks over to a nearby camera on a tripod.

Applejack: Right… let me just adjust the focus, this camera’s seein’ double!

Rainbow: Um… are you ok, Applejack? I don’t think cameras CAN “see double.”

Applejack: And how many films do you have to your name?

Rainbow: None. But I also don’t have any Razzies, so I think it evens out.

Applejack (scoffing): Them awards shows understand movies like a democrat understands the economy!

Rainbow (sardonically): Right. Gigli was a masterpiece.

Applejack: The camera’s fine! Let’s get this show on the road!

Rainbow (to herself): Like any lesbian could just switch sexualities at the drop of a hat. Completely unbelievable…

Applejack climbs to the top of the platform, and in her drowsiness, finds it impossible to concentrate on the see-saw.

Applejack: Isn’t this a mite dangerous?

Rainbow: Not for a pony who can fly!

Applejack: But I can’t fly.

Rainbow: Oh yeah. Well, that hat should protect your head from any fall damage. Insulation!

Applejack: …makes sense.

Rainbow: Ready? One… two… three!

Applejack jumps from the platform and lands face first onto the concrete below.

Rainbow: Um… maybe I wasn’t clear. You’re supposed to land ON the other end.

Applejack stands up, her head spinning.

Applejack: Got it.

A series of attempts follows, with Applejack missing the see-saw each time. She suffers remarkably little physical damage throughout the affair.

Rainbow: Applejack, what the hay is going on? I mean, I thought I was working with Ponyville’s best athlete… besides myself.

Applejack: You are… I’m ok… really… uh… I have an idea. Watch this!

Applejack stands up and forces her end of the see-saw down to the ground with her hooves. Rainbow Dash is not amused.

Applejack: Ta-da!

Rainbow squints in Applejack’s direction.

Applejack: Oh, maybe not. Ok, one more try. I’m sure to get it this time!

Applejack carelessly hops off the see-saw, sending Rainbow Dash thudding to the ground.

Rainbow: Ughhh…

Applejack, still dizzy, climbs to the top of the platform once more and prepares to jump.

Applejack: Here I go!

Applejack jumps off the platform.

Rainbow: WAIT!!!

Applejack finally lands on the see-saw, sending Rainbow Dash soaring into the air, completely out of control.

Rainbow (her voice growing more distant by the second): APPLEJACK!!!!

Applejack (shouting): You’re welcome!

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight is reading peacefully on her balcony, which Rainbow Dash violently crashes into.

Twilight: Rainbow?

Rainbow (head spinning): Present.

Twilight: But I just saw you careen out of Ponyville. That trajectory didn’t take you anywhere near my balcony.

Rainbow (chuckling): You clearly don’t understand Rainbow Physics.

Twilight: Rainbow Physics?

Rainbow: It correlates to Rainbow Time…

Back at Rainbow Dash’s see-saw.

Applejack walks over to the video camera.

Applejack: Huh… lens cap was still on. Rookie mistake!

At the library.

Twilight: So wait… there are twenty-four days in a day in your world?

Rainbow: 23.93 if you want to get technical.

Twilight: Huh. I’m… surprised you knew that. Regardless, I don’t think Rainbow Time is going to take off.

Rainbow: It will once I win my copyright suit against the local gay bar!

Twilight stares at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: What? I thought of the name LONG before I started going there!

Twilight continues staring at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: For drinks; of which they happen to serve the best in Ponyville! Nothing wrong with enjoying a good drink.

Pinkie Pie bursts through the window.

Pinkie: Or ten!

Twilight: Well, since studying is clearly out of the question, I’ll try talking to Applejack again. That pony’s really starting to worry me.

As Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack is bucking apples, barely even paying attention to where they fall at this point. After missing the basket with an entire batch, she bends down to pick them up individually with her teeth, but hits her head violently against a low-hanging branch. As she recoils, Twilight walks up.

Twilight: Applejack, can we talk?

Applejack (head still spinning): Of course… just the pony I wanted to see…

Twilight: But, you said-

Applejack: I’ve been thinkin’. I got the PERFECT role for you in Bobbing for Apple! It’ll redefine method acting. You’ll play Apple’s long-lost sister Applet, contemplating the meaning of sexuality following a traumatic hysterectomy. I scheduled your surgery for next Tuesday.

Twilight: I can’t-

Applejack: You’re the emotional anchor of the whole movie! You’ll make Daniel Day Lewis look like Macaulay Culkin!

Twilight: APPLEJACK! I’m not an actress, and I’m not here to talk about film roles!

Applejack: Fine… second choice it is. Don’t know how I’ll convince Snips to get the sex change, though…

Twilight: I am HERE to talk about Rainbow Dash.

Applejack: Has she finally seen the light? Mind tellin’ me what camp you sent her to? ‘Cause “Be Straight or Die” clearly wasn’t worth the money!

In the past.

At Be Straight or Die.

The drill sergeant, pacing and brandishing a pistol, has a row of campers lined up at attention. Big Macintosh is among their ranks. The sergeant randomly stops and towers over a camper.

Drill Sergeant: Are you straight, maggot?!

Camper (trembling): Sir, yes sir!

Drill Sergeant: You’re cured, you can go.

The camper runs away. The drill sergeant walks to Big Macintosh.

Drill Sergeant: Are you straight, maggot?!

Big Macintosh: Eeyup.

Drill Sergeant: You’re cured, you can go.

Big Macintosh trots away. The drill sergeant walks to another camper.

Drill Sergeant: Are you straight, maggot?!

Camper (defiantly): Of course not! You can’t just wave a gun in my face and expect me to bend over backwards in adherence to what you deem “socially acceptable.” You can intimidate me into being straight no more than I could intimidate you into being gay. If you think I can just flip a switch and alter the very essence of who I am; if your world view is so narrow, then no matter what, I’m the one who will ultimately feel sorry for you.

Every pony cheers. The drill sergeant cocks his pistol.

Drill Sergeant: Wrong answer.

In the present.

Twilight: Oh my God!

Applejack: I know! If that doesn’t work, what on earth would?!

Twilight: That name’s not literal, is it?!

Applejack: Of course not… just gotta push the illusion to the last possible minute to scare them ponies straight. Like a magician’s act. Of course, there was the time the drill sergeant forgot the safety was on… sort of the camp’s Siegfried and Roy moment.

Twilight: He shot someone?!

Applejack: Himself, actually. Second Amendment don’t say a thing about wavin’ your gun around like a filly’s plaything!

Twilight: Ok… getting away from THIS subject, you asked if Rainbow Dash had “seen the light,” and I had this great quip planned about how she had seen a light, because you launched her so close to the sun she met Icarus… but that moment’s gone now. Still a funny reference though, right…?

Applejack: It ain’t funny if ya gotta explain it.

Twilight (hanging her head): I know…

Applejack (slightly ashamed): But I know what you’re here to say. I wasn’t feelin’ quite myself earlier.

Twilight: Because you’re working too hard and you need help!

Applejack: Nothin’ doin’ Twilight. I’m gonna prove to you, to every pony, that I can do this on my own.

Applejack, still facing Twilight, begins walking away, but collides head first into the same branch from earlier.

Applejack (stumbling): Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go help Pinkie Pie.

Twilight (shouting): Whatever it is, I’m sure she’ll let you reschedule!

Applejack pays no heed to Twilight’s advice, leaving the unicorn alone, able to do nothing more than sigh exasperatedly.

At Sugarcube Corner.

Mrs. Cake: Now Pinkie Pie, are you sure you’re up for baking the muffins and running the store this afternoon?

Pinkie: Yessiree Bob, Mrs. Cake. Plus, I have Ponyville’s prized pony to help me out. Why, she’s the best baker ever! Right, Applejack?

Applejack, in a stupefied haze, voraciously shakes her head in an attempt to regain some degree of lucidity.

Applejack: Don’t you fret. I can bake anything from fritters to pies in the blink of an eye.

Mrs. Cake: Well, off the cuff rhyming is one of the most important qualities in a chef, so I’m sure you’ll do just fine!

Mr. Cake: Now remember, Pinkie, no free handouts. This is NOT party food. I don’t want to find the store ransacked again.

Pinkie: Got it.

Mr. Cake: Unless Derpy offers a hundred bits for a free muffin again. That’s just too good to pass up.

Mr. and Mrs. Cake head for the door.

Mrs. Cake: Well, see you later, girls!

Applejack, still drowsy, resumes shaking her head.

Pinkie: Stop with the shakin’, it’s time to get bakin’!

Later.

Pinkie: All righty, I’ll get the sugar and the eggs. Can you get me some chocolate chips?

Applejack (asleep with her head on the counter, awakening with a start): Uh… what was that?

Pinkie: Chocolate chips.

Applejack: Chips… got it.

Applejack walks to the pantry and pours a bag of chocolate chips into the bowl of muffin batter.

Applejack: What next?

Pinkie: Baking soda.

Applejack: Makes sense…

Applejack pours baking soda into the bowl, then immediately falls asleep standing up, her head resting on the counter.

Pinkie: All right, next… a cup of flour.

Applejack wakes up once more.

Applejack: Flour… under control.

Applejack pours a bag of flour into the bowl.

Applejack: …next?

In her peripheral vision, Pinkie sees a rat scurry across the floor.

Pinkie: AHHH!

Applejack (jumping): What’s that?!

Pinkie: Rat! Rat! Route One flashbacks… so many Rattata!

Pinkie Pie grabs Applejack’s face.

Pinkie: I don’t care if I killed my rival’s Raticate! HE DESERVED TO DIE!!!

Applejack: Uhh… do you still need me to get anything?

Pinkie (after a moment’s thought): Rat poison.

Applejack: Rat… poison?

Pinkie: Spread it everywhere. That rat dies if he eats a single morsel of food.

Applejack: Is that… a good idea…?

Pinkie: I. Don’t. Like. Rats! Now I’m going upstairs to formulate a plan of attack against the infestation. Apply the poison liberally, Applejack!

Applejack (woozy): I choose… not to resent your usage of the word…

Pinkie Pie runs upstairs.

Pinkie (shouting): He’d spare you no mercy, were he in your horseshoes!

Applejack walks back to the pantry, where she discovers a vial of rat poison.

Applejack: Well… if it’s in the pantry… it must be food…

Applejack spots a bag of butterscotch chips.

Applejack: Exception that proves the rule… they wouldn’t keep TWO lethal poisons in here…

Applejack picks up the rat poison, and pours the entire vial into the batter.

Applejack (shouting): What about the muffins?!

Pinkie (shouting back): There won’t BE any muffins if the rats have their way! The mix is fine. Destroy the interloper!

Applejack: Well… if the batter’s done…

Later, Pinkie Pie finally walks downstairs.

Pinkie: All right, so the plan is we burn this place to the ground…

Applejack, her eyes bleary with exhaustion, presents a tray of fully cooked muffins to her musophobic partner.

Applejack: I used the rat poison, so I figured… I’d go ahead and put the muffins in the oven…

Pinkie (ecstatic): Applejack: You are the bestest friend ever! Now we won’t be behind schedule.

Pinkie (shouting into the air): DID YOU HEAR THAT, RAT?! YOUR PLAN FAILED!

Pinkie (turning back to Applejack): Now, don’t tell any pony, but I always sample the baked goods before they’re put out for sale. But since you were super-duper amazing and helped make them, you should get the first taste!

Applejack: That’s mighty generous of you, Pinkie Pie… but it’s your crazy recipe… you’ll enjoy it more…

Pinkie: Applejack!

Pinkie Pie hugs Applejack.

Pinkie: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever ever ever done for me! I definitely won’t tell Rarity you’re impinging on her Element!

Pinkie picks up a muffin.

Pinkie: Bottoms up, best assistant chef ever!

One hour later.

Pinkie lies dead on the floor. Nurse Redheart stands over her.

Nurse (muttering to herself): Just as I thought…

Twilight bursts through the door, Spike in tow.

Twilight: We came as soon as we heard. Poisoned muffins? Is every pony all right?!

Twilight notices Pinkie Pie, and the nearly full batch of muffins lying beside her.

Twilight (with a sigh of relief): Oh, thank Celestia! I thought something catastrophic had happened!

Nurse: Apparently Applejack baked rat poison into the muffins. A LOT of rat poison. Pinkie ingested enough to kill twelve of Fluttershy’s patented super rats!

In the past.

Fluttershy stands in front of a complicated maze, at the end of which rests a slice of cheese. She gently lowers a rat into the opposite end of the maze.

Fluttershy: All right, the timer’s started… oh, I hope you were ready; was it too soon?

The rat momentarily stands still before shooting radiant lasers from his eyes, blasting holes in every wall in the maze and clearing a direct path to the cheese.

Fluttershy: Yay! You’ll never go hungry again!

In the present.

Nurse: I believe there was some sort of misunderstanding. Most likely over the distinct lack of rat poison called for in the recipe.

Twilight (angrily): Applejack…

Nurse: I’ve done everything I can. Pinkie will revive whenever she gets around to it, I suppose.

Nurse Redheart walks to the door.

Nurse: I’ll let the mayor know to increment Applejack’s tally.

As Nurse Redheart walks out the door, Derpy comes flying in.

Derpy: What’s this I hear about muffins?!

Twilight: They’re poisoned, Derpy. You don’t want them.

Derpy launches toward the muffins, eagerly picking one up.

Twilight: They will literally kill you!

Holding the muffin in front of her face, Derpy salivates as she intently weighs her options, her gaze slowly becoming more and more wall-eyed.

Derpy: I have a pretty high muffin tolerance.

Derpy opens her mouth to eat the muffin.

Twilight: No!

Twilight casts a spell, knocking the deadly treat from Derpy’s hooves.

Twilight: But not a poison tolerance! Those muffins aren’t food!

Derpy lands in front of the muffin tray. She stares longingly at them, lost in what would approximate thought in any other pony’s mind. After once again mulling over her options, Derpy leans down to devour a muffin.

Twilight: Are you serious?!

Twilight casts another spell, and all the muffins in the room disappear.

Derpy (dejected): Awww…

Twilight: I’m sorry, I just-

Derpy bolts out of the building.

Twilight: Well… I needed to talk to Applejack anyway…

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack kicks an apple tree, then literally falls asleep as the apples fall down around her. She is only awakened when the fruit crashes onto her head.

Applejack: Huh?!

Applejack straps herself into a nearby apple cart, then slowly backs the cart down a hill to empty the bunch. She overshoots, however, and the cart tips over, leaving her suspended in midair. She quickly dozes off until Twilight walks up.

Twilight: Applejack, we need to talk.

Applejack (with a start): Wha?! Oh, it’s you Twilight. I know what you’re gonna say… but the answer is still no.

Twilight: Not to upset your apple cart, but you need help!

Applejack: Hardy har… and no I don’t!

Applejack struggles to free herself, to no avail.

Twilight: Let me help.

Applejack: Help? No thanks!

After an intense, prolonged effort, Applejack manages to tip the apple cart back onto its wheels and free herself.

Applejack: I’ll prove… that this apple… can handle these apples.

Applejack weakly kicks a nearby tree, which is completely dead. Naturally, no apples fall.

Applejack (repeatedly kicking): Come on… apples… fall off!

Twilight: AJ, I think you’re beating a dead… tree.

Twilight’s Mind: Pun count: 2. Minute count: 00:33. Comedy output at maximum efficiency. Backing up memory file for future reference.

Applejack: I knew that.

Applejack walks away, but Twilight follows.

Twilight: Actually, Applejack, I had something else to talk to you about. I just came back from Sugarcube Corner, and-

Applejack: Ya know, I’m a little busy to get lectured right now Twilight!

Twilight: Busy poisoning another batch of muffins?

Applejack: That was an accident!

Twilight: Because you’re destroying yourself by overworking! And now you’re endangering Ponyville, too! You need help!

Applejack: Nothing bad happened.

Twilight: You killed Pinkie Pie!

Applejack: That pony gets killed three times before breakfast!

Twilight: So because she’ll come back, that makes it ok?

Applejack: It makes it inconsequential.

Twilight: No pony’s life is so meaningless as to be casually discarded without a second thought. We’re not talking about a dragon here!

Applejack: What, you’re a philosophizer now?

Twilight: Well, I did read a book once: “Spouting Philosophy: Gall Your Friends by Opening Your Mouth,” so if you’d like to discuss Nietzsche…

Applejack (losing her already strained patience): There’s nothin’ to discuss. End of story! How many times do I gotta say it?! I don’t need no help from no pony!

Twilight (shouting in frustration): Ugh! You just lucked into that triple negative!

Twilight (to herself): That pony is stubborn as a mule!

Later, outside Ponyville, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Winona are walking down a road surrounded by rabbits.

Fluttershy: Oh, Applejack, thank you so much for offering your herding skills for the annual rabbit roundup.

Applejack (sighing): Ugh, why are we doin’ this?

Fluttershy: Well, lots of new baby bunnies have been born, and I need genetic samples from each of them to study which foreign chromosomes their bodies are least likely to reject.

Applejack: And when I asked if we could reschedule?

Fluttershy: Oh, I’m so sorry… I just need that lab work as soon as possible…

Applejack: Fine. Can we just get on with it?

Fluttershy: Certainly. But remember, these are bunnies we’re dealing with, not cows. They’re a timid bunch and need to be treated gently.

Applejack (irate): I do NOT need any directions on corralin’ critters! Right, Winona?

Winona barks happily.

Fluttershy: Ok, little bunnies, I need you to all gather here in the middle.

Applejack stomps her hoof forcefully.

Applejack: That’s right bunnies, I got apples to buck, and time’s-a-wastin’! In the center! Hop to it!

Terrified, the bunnies scurry away.

Applejack: Swell. Just swell.

Applejack runs after the bunnies at full tilt.

Applejack: Put ‘em up, Winona!

Barking, Winona playfully leaps at any bunny she can see.

Fluttershy: Applejack, Winona, stop! You’re scaring them!

Applejack: We know what we’re doin’! Git along, little bunnies!

Applejack and Winona successfully herd all the bunnies into a gated-off circle. However, the forced proximity spikes the creatures’ adrenaline even further, and they break out, heading straight for Ponyville.

Fluttershy: Oh no…

In Ponyville.

Tremors are felt throughout the entire town. Ponies gather in the street, frightened and confused. Rainbow Dash flies into the air in an effort to scope out the root of the commotion. She discovers, much to her shock, a...

Rainbow: STAMPEDE… again.

The herd of crazed bunnies is the source of the seismic activity, bulleting along on a collision course for Ponyville. Every pony breaks out in panic; some hide indoors while others merely run around aimlessly. Pinkie Pie giggles as the tremors send vibrations through her vocal cords.

Pinkie: This never gets old!

The bunnies barrel into town, paying no heed to any pony foolish enough to stand in their way.

Later that day.

Twilight, having somehow missed the earth-shattering stampede, is trotting through town humming happily to herself. With a gasp, she stops dead in her tracks as the sight of three seemingly injured ponies lying in the middle of the street greets her.

Pony A: The horror! The horror!

In spite of herself, Twilight smiles knowingly at the inadvertent literary allusion.

Pony B: It was awful!

Pony C: A disaster! A horrible, horrible disaster!

Twilight looks around at the pristine town in front of her.

Twilight: I don’t get it.

Pony A: Our gardens… destroyed!

Pony B: Every last flower devoured!

Pony C: By… by… THEM!

Twilight follows the pony’s hoof to discover the entire herd of rabbits hopping around and eating every plant in sight.

Fluttershy: Oh, please stop, little bunnies… oh no… please… let’s go home… oh… oh my goodness…

Twilight: Fluttershy. Is Applejack behind this?

Fluterrshy: Oh… oh my… I don’t like to point hooves…

Twilight: But yes?

Fluttershy: …but yes… oh! Don’t eat that… it’s poison ivy…

Twilight: All right. Enough is enough.

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack is repeatedly kicking a tree, but she doesn’t even have the strength to knock the apples down anymore.

Applejack: Must… keep bucking… just a few more… must finish harvestin’…

Twilight resolutely steps forward.

Twilight: All right, Applejack. Your applebucking has gone far enough. I should have taken this firm a stance with you from the beginning and saved every pony a lot of trouble, but regardless… I don’t care what you say, you need help!

Applejack gives one last kick and knocks all the apples from the tree.

Applejack: Hah! No I don’t! Look! I did it!

Twilight looks at the sea of empty apple trees before her.

Applejack: I harvested the entire Sweet Apple Acres without your help. Big Macintosh is strappin’ on his helmet and headin’ to Stirrup Street!

Big Macintosh walks up.

Big Macintosh: The bet wasn’t for just half the farm. Ya gotta hit the west fields, too.

Big Macintosh motions with his head toward the west fields, which are dominated by ripe apple trees as far as the eye can see.

Applejack: Wha… how did I… I don’t… I can’t…

Applejack collapses onto the ground.

Twilight: Applejack?!

Applejack (weakly): …huh?

Twilight: Oh good, you’re ok. Now Applejack, I completely respect the Apple family ways. You’re always there to help any pony in need, even though loyalty is Rainbow Dash’s Element. But maybe you can put a little of your stubborn pride aside and allow your friends to help you.

Applejack (closing her eyes): Ok, Twilight.

Twilight: I am not taking no for an answer-

Twilight’s Mind: Error! Self-righteous proselytizing interrupted by unforeseen accession. Recompiling to establish proper verbal reaction.

Twilight: …what?!

Applejack: Yes, Twilight. Yes, please. It don’t matter if I gotta dress like a quarterback… I could really use your help.

Twilight breathes a heavy sigh of relief.

Big Macintosh (hopeful): We can still go back to the original girdle terms, if you prefer!

Later, all members of the Mane Six are working together to help buck the remaining apples. Twilight uses her magic to clear a quarter of the remaining apples in one fell swoop.

Dear Princess Celestia-

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but today I learned just how outmoded and irrelevant Earth Ponies truly are. Of course, I’d never say that to their face, but hear me out. All day long, Applejack has been attempting to buck the entirety of Sweet Apple Acres by herself. She exhausted herself exerting so much effort, and a veritable comedy of errors transpired around her mistakes, although it wasn’t very funny in real life. When she finally acquiesced and accepted my assistance, I discovered just how much more effectively magic could do the job that almost killed Applejack. I could have cleared the entire farm in just a couple of hours. I suspect you left assorted farming duties to the Earth Ponies so they wouldn’t feel too useless to society, but they’re really just a vestigial link on the evolutionary chain at this point. Once again, I would never share this opinion, but I’m surprised no one suggested enslaving Earth Ponies over dragons way back before the war. Actually… I take that back. Dragons are still much worse. Yes, of course you have to write that part, Spike. You have to write everything I say. Oh, you’re worried about impeding the flow of the letter? Maybe you should have thought of that before you interrupted. Now I’ve lost my train of thought. Excuse me? I don’t appreciate your tone. I’m aware it’s a controversial opinion; that’s why I repeatedly qualified it! Really, you don’t think I have any right to sit on a pedestal and judge? You think I have my own imperfections? Well, for your information, I made friends! I’m popular now. I- … that’s impossible. You’re lying. I think I’d remember something as traumatic as you walking in on me making love to Crime and Punishment, Spike. Is this blackmail now? That is a very bad boy! Now go to bed without any… are you still writing?! You’re not supposed to write THIS part! Stop! I forbid you to keep writing. Oh, you think you’re gonna send it now? Well good luck! See if you can finish that letter if I never say

                                                                                                 -“Your student,

                                                                                                  Twilight Sparkle”

P.S. Dang it!

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight: She’ll never believe you. She’ll just think you’re trying to sabotage my reputation. Princess Celestia loves me too much for that.

Spike: We’ll see.

Twilight: Now seriously, go to bed and think about what you’ve done. Behavior like that will NOT be tolerated.

Spike begins walking upstairs before turning back around and facing Twilight.

Spike: I know you don’t wanna talk to me, but remember those poisoned muffins Derpy tried to eat?

Twilight: What about them?

Spike: Where did they go?

Twilight: I didn’t have time to be specific. I just sent them far away.

Spike: So… if someone else finds them…

Twilight: Part of the spell was that they wouldn’t land anywhere near any ponies. Now goodnight, Spike!

Spike walks upstairs.

In the Everfree Forest.

In a humble hut, a female manticore is crying, holding her son and daughter close to her.

Mother (in manticore tongue, in between tears): This is why… this is why you never leave the forest. Do you understand? Good folks live here. Good folks without chainsaws, or… or butterscotch lollipops!

All three manticores sob even more profusely.

Mother (stifling tears): You’re all I have now… promise me… promise you’ll never leave me!

The mother hugs her children even closer. Suddenly, a tray of muffins, having finally completed its hastily cast interdimensional journey, appears on the table before the shattered family.

Mother(smiling and crying): See, this is what I mean… neighbors truly care here. They know when you’re sad. You can always depend on the kindness of Everfree Forest strangers.

The mother hands a muffin to both her children.

Mother: Here. Eat up. It’s what… it’s what your father would have wanted.

Luna (1)

I'm so sorry! I've missed you so much, big sister!

Luna collapsed to the floor of her ivory tower; flowing, translucent mane draped over her defeated husk of a body like a well-worn blanket. An exhausted sigh attempted to heave its way out of her, but the sharp inhalation sent an unpleasant jolt through her system. The room dimmed and grew blurry as she momentarily teetered on the brink of unconsciousness. The very blood in her veins was kerosene; her every muscle an open flame.

Had it really been so long? One millennium. 365, 242 days. 31.5 billion seconds. There had been ample time for mental calculations in the moon, though modern conveniences like an abacus would have been much appreciated. During her imprisonment, Luna had found ascribing concrete values to the amount of time passed helped maintain her sanity. By itself, a millennium was too amorphous a concept even for an alicorn. With numbers attached, each day was progress, no matter how small. So she filled her head with numbers.

Numbers and hatred.

But that’s in the past, the royal princess thought, her head drooping even further to the floor. But the seeds of doubt had already been planted. The idea had lodged itself in her mind and stubbornly refused to leave, like a sliver of apple caught just right in the back of her teeth. Perhaps it wasn’t the passage of time that had left her frail and useless. Perhaps the overwhelming negativity and violence of Nightmare Moon had left irreversible scars inside her body, felt but never seen.

Perhaps she alone was to blame for her current inability to raise the moon.

Luna struggled to her hooves, failing once and crashing back to the ground, legs splayed in front of her, before successfully positioning herself upright. She hobbled to the balcony, wincing through the pain with every step. A gentle evening breeze gently whipped against her face as the princess of the night watched the sunset; the sky ablaze with a particularly vibrant shade of fuchsia.

“Please, just rise,” she whispered.

But of course, the world didn’t work that way. Luna turned away. She knew what would happen next. Just like every night since her return, Big Sister Celestia would walk to the castle grounds, wings outstretched for no reason other than to project presence and charisma. She would charge her horn, letting the magic sparks dance gracefully around any passersby. Finally Celestia, princess of the sun, would bring forth the moon and bathe Equestria in resplendent starlight.

Relinquishing control of her body, Luna fell into her opulent bed; too exhausted even for envy.

Why does Equestria even need two princesses, the battered mare thought to herself as sleep rapidly overtook her. They seemed to get along just fine with one.

Luna rolled over on her side and adjusted the gemstone-adorned covers, pretending such halfhearted actions would trick her body into falling asleep. Yet another day of attempting to dissuade Celestia from her deplorable “Dragon War” plans had left the night princess with a host of lingering thoughts and concerns, all of which lacked the common courtesy to vacate her head in the presence of a pillow.

“I really thought she’d have moved on by now,” Luna muttered to herself.

Suddenly, the tall crimson doors of her royal bedroom were thrown open and Luna found herself with a most unwelcome houseguest.

“Luna!” Celestia whispered, a mockery in and of itself after the cacophony generated by the metal doors. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” Luna answered truthfully.

“Oh,” under the dim glow of moonlight, Luna could almost make out her sister’s face falling at the sound of her response. “Doesn’t matter. Come on, we’re going to the barracks.” Celestia was downright giddy. “The guards are all asleep!”

In that instant, the bed sheets felt warmer and more inviting than they ever had before. The moonlight kissed her heavy eyelids, whispering promises in her ear to resolve all her troubles, even to restore her long-shattered circadian rhythm, if she just stayed in bed.

But with Celestia, there was no rational thought. Luna did not want to leave the comfort of her room, she did not want to tip-hoof to the guards’ barracks, nor did she want to delicately creak open the heavily bolted door. But HER desires had been shackled the moment she claimed the Elements of Harmony; the moment her sister revealed her true colors. There was simply no telling what damage Celestia could unleash without Luna around to babysit.

After all, what are little sisters for?