My Apartment in Equestriaby HonestAJ4PresidentChaptersPrologue; The World was OffChapter 1; IntroductionsChapter 2; I Play GameChapter 3; AftermathChapter 4; Hide and SeekChapter 5; SpeechPrologue; The World was OffPrologue The World was Off January 27, 2015 2:24 am "WATCH THE STAIRS, JUGGERNAUT!" I yelled at my co-op partner and childhood friend, Tate Daniels, while I looked out the window of our hold out in the 'Estate Takedown' Spec Ops mission on our quest to complete all Ops on Veteran. We were in my apartment the night before his 23 birthday. Technically it was his 23 birthday because it was like 2 in the morning. "Okay, okay, I'll get my flashbang ready." he responded. The juggernaut came into view but when Tate threw the flashbang it flew passed the juggernaut and he quickly slaughtered us as we tried to empty our magazines into him and run into the bathroom to get a break. "I'm down!" The mission was failed and I took a swig from my water bottle before leaning back on my couch. "Damn it. Wanna play the Co-Op campaign in World at War on Veteran?" I asked after sighing. "Sure." he asked. I took the disk out of my PS3 and inserted the WaW disk. A Few Hours Later After various "I got the Flamethrower.", and the subsequent "Burn baby, burn.", "Revive me." and "Damn it" at the inevitable failing the mission, I awoke in the morning to discover I was in a world full of multicolored, 4ft tall with horns and wings. I didn't notice immediately but I did nearly immediately notice the sticky note on my forehead. I took it off and read it. Ben, You passed out in the middle of Ring of Steel, around 3. Guess that you either really ain't a party guy or you did pull an all nighter yesterday. See ya later, Tate PS; Thanks for the party "Eh fuck. At least it's Saturday. Happy birthday to you." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. Upon seeing it was 3pm, I muttered to my self "'Bout 12 hours of sleep after nearly 3 days awake straight. Not bad." before I walked towards my bathroom and noticed a tall, winged unicorn in my bedroom. "Hello creature." it said. I then screamed like a little girl. An unseen hand grabbed me and hoisted me in the air. "Calm down creature. I mean you no harm." "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-!" then I felt as if something was stuffed in my mouth. "Creature, calm down. I mean you no harm. I will take the magical gag out of your mouth if you stop screaming. Do you promise to stop screaming?" I nodded and the feeling in my mouth went away. "Now who and what are you?" I cleared my throat and answered "I believe that the more prominent question is why the fuck are you in my bedroom?" "I asked first." she smugly replied. "FINE! I am Ben Kerr, a goddamn human." I yelled. "What is a 'goddamn human'." she asked. "It's not a 'goddamn human', just a human. A human is a homo sapien scientifically and are the only extant member of the Hominin Clade, a branch of great apes characterized by erect posture, bipedal locomotion, manual dexterity, increased tool use and a general trend towards larger, more complex brains and societies." "That's quite a mouth full." she said in surprise. "I didn't go to college for nothing. My turn. What the fuck are you doing in my house, and more importantly, how the fuck did you get in my house?" "Your house is in the middle of a busy street in Ponyville, so it is not hard to miss, and I teleported in." "What do you mean 'you teleported'?" "It was a basic teleportation spell. By the way, I am Princess Celestia." "Odd name." I retorted. "So do you." she relied smugly. I was a bit shocked by her response but said "Touche. Back to the matter at hand, what do you mean 'basic teleportation spell'." she had a cocky expression and I quickly added "Other than the fucking obvious." "It is a spell that allows me to appear in a location in the blink in the eye." I gave her a 'Da fuck are you talkin 'bout' look. "What, doesn't your world have magic?" "No, the only 'magic' my world has is technology. But fuck, 'Give a cave man technology, he'll call it magic. Give a modern man magic, he'll call it technology.'" "Interesting saying. But what you're saying is you're world doesn't have magic, but has magic in fiction." I nodded and she said "And that some of your kind consider technology your magic." I nodded again "And that you believe you can get magic through technology." "That's a hard note, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad." "Well, I believe that you aren't a threat to my subjects. I'm sure my that my personal student, Twilight Sparkle, would love to meet you but I believe that she would go overboard. What does this stuff do?" she pointed at my PS3 and computer. "That is a video game console, more specifically a Playstation 3, and that is a computer." I responded. "Really, Coltari has been gaining popularity but I don't think it will really take off among adults." I groaned and said "Really, Coltari. Jesus if there's a city called Fillydelphia I'm gonna flip out." "What there is a city called Fillydelphia." "There's a city in my world called Philadelphia and a video game company called Atari in my world and they kick started the video game industry. They also nearly ran it into the ground in the '80s but after that Nintendo rescued it from the brink in my country. Today it's worth over $65 billion. Give me some electricity and I can show you what video games have become in my world." "Oh that should be easy! I can have you sign some papers and have some unicorns levitate your house to an open position in town." "We should probably see how 'your subjects' react to me first." We walked to my front door and she opened it. I walked out and looked waited for Celestia as 'her subjects' stared at me. "Uh, Celestia where are you?" I looked back at my door and saw a note. It read Dear Ben, Something came up that required my immediate attention. I'll be back as soon as I can. Celestia "Quel figlio di una canga(Italian for That son of a bitch)." I muttered as a mint unicorn sprinted at and tackled me. "Five digited hand. Check. Erect Posture. Check. Bipedal Motion. Check! Mostly Hairless. CHECK! Excuse me, are you a human?!" she said. "Yes, fun fact; Humans have an innate fight or flight instinct. At the same time you're making flight nearly impossible and fight look very appealing." "Oh, hehe, sorry about that. I got really excited." she said as she got of me. "No shit Sherlock." I muttered as I got up. After I dusted myself off I said "So, you are?" "I'm Lyra Heartstrings, call me Lyra." she said, trying to get a look around my arm to see into my apartment. "Ben, and I don't feel comfortable giving you my last name yet." "Oh, I can respect that. I wouldn't tell somepony my name if somepony, well, did what I did to you." Suddenly I was kicked in the stomach by a pony to my left, sent through my door and over my couch. After a brief coughing fit, I climbed up and looked over my couch. An orange pony with a blonde mane and a stetson was staring at me through the door with Lyra. "Good fuckin mornin to you too." I said, speaking like I had taken the '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' song to heart. "APPLEJACK?! Why did you do that?!" yelled Lyra at the pony who kicked me. "Yes, I would like to know that as well. Please hurry, my vision is getting blurry and I feel sleepy. Uh, I feel like one of my ribs is in one of my organs." "Oh, ah, well ya looked suspicious and Ah wanted ta act before ya did somethin drastic." "Ah, good to know Ero colpevope(I was guilty) until proven innocente(innocent). Se nessuno di voi mind(If none of you), I'm goin to take a nap." before I passed out. I awoke to the sound of hospital equipment and a doctor saying "Ah, you're awake. How do you feel?" "Like a particularly angry and strong golfer hit me in the stomach with his club, repeatedly." "Well, you are partially correct. You were kicked in the stomach by an applebucker." After a few seconds I asked, "That some kind of insult or profanity." "Oh no, it's another word for apple farmer." I mouthed 'Ohhhhhhhhh.' and he continued "While we don't know much about your species, we were able to determine that you had no broken bones or internal injuries. I'd say you got off lucky considering who kicked you. However, we ran some tests to help us understand your species and found something shocking." He let that sink in just a little too long and I said "AND?!" "We discovered that you don't have any magic." After that sank in, I burst out laughing "HAHAHA, oh I thought I had cancer or some shit! HAHA, ah oh dear god that's funny. Ah, you tell me it's something important and then it's that I don't have magic. Oh, might as well tell me that I breath fuckin oxygen." I was still snickering when he said "I'm serious." This caused another laugh attack. "What's so funny!?" "I believe I can answer that Doctor." That voice immediately snapped me out of my laughing fit and I was so angry my brain switched gears into Italian. "Oh, sei tornato. Quali i warrant cazzo lasiciando me a steppo in un luogo dove il mio tipo non esistino?" After a few seconds she responded "Come ho detto qualcosa che ha richiesto la mia attenzione si avvicino." "Lei parla intaliano?!" I asked, shocked. "No, I cast a translation spell." she said smugly. "Canga." I muttered under my breath, though she caught it. "Cazzo." she replied. "Can somepony tell me what the buck is going on?!" said the Doctor. "We were just bickering about something, Doctor. Now, from my previous conversation with Mr. Kerr here, I gathered that his world doesn't have real magic, though it does in fiction, and that him appearing here is a complete accident." "Graz- I mean thank you. Sorry, took an Italian class and it sort of became second nature to kinda switch gears into it like when I get angry and there are kids around. Or if I want to insult someone and don't want them to know." "I noticed, and I could have you thrown in prison for such remarks. However, I really should have told you before I left." "No shit, Sherlock." I thought to myself. "Alright, I believe I'm not needed. You will be kept over night for observation. I bid you farewell." said the doctor walking out of the room. "I can hear your thoughts, you know." said Celestia after the doctor left. "Alright, what am I thinking now." I quickly thought "The price is wrong bitch." and to my surprise, she said them as I thought them. "Alright you pass. What do ya want?" "I came to give you papers to apply for Equestrian Citizenship. I also believe that somepony would like to introduce themselves to you." "Alright, what time is it anyway?" Celestia said "It's 6:35. Here you are, good bye." before levitating some papers into my lap and teleporting away. There was a knock on my door and I said "Come in." before the door opened and the orange pony I saw shortly before I passed out. "Oh, hey, Applejack right. Or at least that is what I think I heard Lyra say." "Yeah, that's right sugarcube. I just wanted to say that, I'm sorry for doing that to you." "Hey, no big deal. Nothing's broken, or at least I hope nothing is. I'll be out tomorrow and we can have a fresh start. I'm Ben Kerr, by the way." "Jacqueline Apple, but everypony just calls me Applejack. Anyway, since you just got here out of the blue, Ah'm gonna assume ya don't have a job. So Ah offer you a job at Sweet Apple Acres. Do ya accept?" "Yeah, sure, that's one way to patch up any hard feelings. Anyway, thank you. What does it entail anyway?" "Well you're either gonna help buck apples or carry buckets of 'em to the barn for storage." I thought to myself "Well that bets being a freelance online video game critic with barely enough cash to afford his hobby, which is also his job, and keep up with new releases and pay bills. That is until Broke-tober rolls around." "Alright, guess that's all. See ya later." After she left I idly twiddled my thumbs, tried to sleep but quickly remembered that I had just basically slept for 15 hours straight. I remembered that I had my phone and quickly started a new campaign in XCOM. Chapter 1; Introductions***Chapter 1 Introductions*** After various "Don't miss, don't miss, don't miss!", and the subsequent "Yes!" or "Figlio di puttana!" and mentally shitting myself upon discovering a Chryssalid, I managed to fall asleep. I awoke up to the sound of knocking on my door. "Eh, I'm up, I'm up. Come in." The doctor and a nurse entered with a wheelchair and said "Mr. Kerr, you're free to go." "Do I really need the wheelchair, doc?" "Sorry, hospital policy." he responded as the nurse helped me into the wheelchair. After I exited the hospital, I looked around and remembered something "Fuck, where's my house? Shit, might as well learn the layout of town if I'm staying." I walked towards 'Ponyville' if I remembered right. While walking down the streets, ignoring the stares from residents, I idly hummed Tom Lehrer's So Long Mom. "So long Mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me. But while you swelter down there in your shelter, you can see me- bum bum bum- on your TV. While we're attacking frontally, watch brinkally and huntally, describing contrapuntally the cities we have lost. No need for you to miss a minute of the agonizing Holocaust, YEAH!" "Whatcha singin." I was snapped out of my trance of looking for my house by a voice. "Huh?" I asked. "What are you singing, silly?" The mare was all pink and bouncing in stride with me. "Nothing special, say you seen a house? One story, windows on two sides, in the middle of a street." "Sure, you've been walking around it." I stopped dead in my tracks and looked to my left. "Non puoi essere serio cazzo." I muttered as I saw the window that looked into my living room/kitchen. "Anyway, what's your favorite kind of cake?" "Uh, chocolate frosting on chocolate I guess. Why do you ask?" She quickly said "Sorry gotta go." before bursting off in the other direction. "Weird." I said before walking towards my door and attempting to turn the doorknob. The second I laid my hand on it I remembered that I didn't have my keys and that the door was locked. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." I said as I slowly banged my head on the door. "Hey there sugarcube, whatcha doin?" I heard Applejack approach me as I said my 37th 'Fuck.' "Oh, hey Applejack. Fuck. The door's locked and I don't have my keys. Fuck." "HEY YOU!" was the only thing I heard before I was hit by a pony shaped bullet and used my door as a surfboard. "That's one way of solving that problem." I heard Applejack say, chuckling. "Good to know you can find humor in property damage and assault. Can you get off me?" "Yeah Rainbow Dash, get off him. He wouldn't hurt a fly." "Fine, but I'm watching you." said Rainbow Dash as I finally got a good view of her. She was a pegasus, why am not surprised, with sky blue fur and a rainbow mane. I rolled over and said "Why does everyone in this world commit a crime in my world; Celestia broke and entered, Lyra, assault I guess, Applejack assaulted me but I understand her reasoning and Rainbow assaulted me and damaged my property. Not blaming anyone but I'm noticing a trend." I heard a noise deeper in my house and said "What the fuck was that?!" I got up and walked to my bedroom. I opened the door and noticed a candle stick on my dresser. On it was a note that read Dear Ben This Candle Stick will allow you to contact me. I filled out the paperwork and your house will be moved to an open lot tomorrow. You will also be connected to the electric mainframe and water line. I will also want to take up your offer to see what video games have become in your world. Celestia "Huh, that was nice of her. Guess I might as well see what the ponies are doing." I remembered my phone was almost dead and placed my solar powered charger on the window. I walked back to my living room and saw Applejack looking confusedly at my Last of Us poster, while Rainbow was looking at my Ace Combat Assault Horizon poster. "Find anything interesting?" I said, startling Applejack. "What's this for?" she asked. "The Last of Us." I said, giving her a cocky grin. "Couldn't tell. Now tell me what it is really for before I buck ya into next week." she responded, giving me a look that told me that she wasn't kidding. "The Last of Us, third-person shooter developed by Naughty Dog and published by Sony. Been called by many as the 'Gaming Equivalent of Citizen Kane'" "Hmm, Ah don't know whether that was what Ah'm lookin for, so I'm just gonna buck ya into tomorra." she said, smirking. "Listen, I can show you tomorrow when I get my power back. Ya know what, let's go fucking do something before I lose my mind." "Sure, you comin Rainbow?" said Applejack, walking to the door. "Nah, I'm gonna leave you and your coltfriend alone." snickered Rainbow as she flew out the door. "Yeah, see ya." I said before I realized the horse pun. "Wait, you fucker!" I raced to the door and saw her laughing her ass off on a cloud. "YOU OWE ME A DOOR!". Applejack followed me outside and tried to contain her snickering. "Ya know she implied we're dating." This set off something in her head and she began yelling at Rainbow while I tried to fix my door. "Figlio cazzo di una canga porta." I muttered as I made an impromptu 'Do Not Enter' sign with a special message of 'Break and Enter, and I'll Break You'. I moved the door to the side and placed the sign around it before looking at Applejack. "So, where we going?" "I should probably show ya where my farm is so you know where to come for work." "Makes sense. Let's go." After a brief walk we reached the outskirts of Ponyville. "That is a lot of trees." "Yep, all ours." she began walking forward and looked back at me "You comin or are you just gonna stand there?" "Huh, oh yeah." We walked up the path and towards the house in the distance. I noticed the sound of hooves quickly approaching and said "And the trend continues in 3, 2, o-" I was cut off by hooves throwing me into a tree on my left. Then something hit me like a train. "Why didn't I just move?!". Then something actually hit me, in the balls. That, among other things, is one of the things that makes me go into 'Italian mode'. "Oh cazzo che fa male! Oh Dio perché le palle! Perché ti pony sempre assalto me?!" "BIG MAC, APPLEBLOOM! Get off him right now!" yelled Applejack. The pressure was removed from my groin and I gathered the strength to move my hands away from it and look up. There were 2 new ponies, a large red stallion, presumably the one who kicked me, and a small yellow filly with a red bow in hear head, presumably the one who landed on my balls. "Grazie Applejack." I muttered and finally noticed that Italian Mode was activated. "Oh, hehe, sorry. Thanks, Applejack. Guess I gotta explain that, don't I?" They nodded and I explained "In high school and college, as well as in-between, I took a class in another language, specifically Italian because of my Italian heritage and now it has become second nature for me to switch to it when in extreme pain, fear, or if I'm angry and there are kids around. That was extreme pain because, well, huh, how to put it?" "Your sensitive area." offered Applejack. "Yeah, yeah, that. I'm Ben Kerr, by the way. Christ, can you ponies at least ask for my name before assaulting me?" I got up and muttered "That's not gonna be a pleasant feeling in the morning." "Enope." said the stallion, who until that point had been silent and startled me. "That's Big Mac, he don't talk much." said Applejack. "And I'm Applebloom." chirped the filly. "Shall we get going?" I asked. They nodded and we continued. Once we reached the top of the hill Applejack turned to me. "So shall we see if ya can applebuck, sugarcube?" she said motioning for me to follow her to an apple tree. "Now just do this." she continued before turning on her heels(hooves?) and kicked the tree. All the apples promptly fell out. "Think ya can do that?" "I think I prefer my legs unbroken." I responded. "Oh come on sugarcube, just try." I shook my head 'no' and she looked at me with the most adorable fucking puppy dog eyes I've ever seen. "Pllllllleeease." "Fine, damn it you've discovered my weakness. Shit shouldn't have said that, now you know how to always get what ya want." I walked to a tree near her tree and tried to decide how to do it. I braced myself and kicked the tree. Not a single thing fell. "Well, looks like it will be carrying the buckets for me." Then everything in the tree fell off and I was buried in apples. I groaned out "Help." as I raised my hand from the pile. Applejack was laughing her ass off when she pulled me out of the pile. "Hahaha, oh that was funny. Seems you're a natural, just need to run once ya kick it. Ya good?" "I guess. Still wondering how the fuck I did that." "Ah, don't worry 'bout it. Guess that means that ya can help us here with the bucking. What else ya want to do?" "I'm still new here, so I'm leaving that to you." "Huh, guess Ah could introduce ya to everypony. Ya met Rainbow Dash, Ah assume ya met Pinkie cause Ah ran into her and she was blabbin bout a new pony in town. Actually, since Pinkie knows you're here you'll met everypony." "Why?" "She throws everypony a welcome party." "Huh, alright." "HI!" said the all to recognizable voice of Pinkie, which startled me and Applejack. "Where the fuck did you come from?! And how long have you been standing there?" "So how old are ya, huh, huh, huh?!" Pinkie said, getting creepily closer. "It just ain't your day, is it Ben? Better tell her or she'll hound you till ya do." said Applejack, smirking. "I'm 23 years old. I was born September 8, 1992 at 12:15 am. Care for me to go into more detail?" "Nah, that just means I need to do more planning." she said before she burst off into the distance. "Does she drink coffee?" I asked Applejack. She shook her head 'No' and I continued "Never let her drink anything but decaf. I pity the bastard that runs into her when she has had a shot of espresso. Well see ya." I said as I walked down the hill. "OH MY CELESTIA! That is a crime against fashion if I've ever seen it! Please follow me dear." a white unicorn with a purple mane grabbed me with her magic and carried me to a building. Upon entering, she set me down and grabbed some measuring tape. "So, what kind of clothes do you want?" "What? I didn't even ask for new clothes, though I guess I could use some formal wear." "Perfect! Please hold out your arms." I did so and she got my measurements. "Would you like a suit or a tuxedo?" "Suit, black suit jacket and pants, red tie and no gems." I looked around the room at the stands and noticed a lot of them on the clothes. "Or I'll have to kick my own ass. Actually I just thought of something. Do you make hats?" She nodded and I continued "I'd like a fedora made out of something durable, please. Crap, how am I gonna pay for this?" "Don't worry darling, your first order is on the house." "Nah, I owe you a favor. I gotta pay ya back somehow." After getting my head measurements, I thanked her and walked home. Upon reaching my house I remembered something; my fridge. "Huh, it's probably a biological weapon by now. Fuck me, why do I am I doing this?" For a semblance of protection, I grabbed a napkin and held it to my nose. "Three, two, oh fuck, one!" I said as I opened the fridge door and braced myself for the stench. After a few seconds nothing happened, I lowered the napkin and immediately regretted it. After a brief coughing fit I said "Oh fuck." and I closed the door quickly. "Christ, I don't think I'll be able to smell anything else for the rest of the day. Great, now I gotta get a new fridge. Figlio di una canga." I walked to my couch and collapsed. I said "Fuck I'm beat. Could fall asleep right he-" and fell asleep. Chapter 2; I Play Game**Chapter 2 I Play Game** I awoke on my couch with a crick in my neck a few hours later. I wondered what had woken me when I felt a breeze. "Uh, fuck that hurts. Might as well fill out those papers." I got and cracked my neck as I walked to the kitchen table I set the papers on. I found them and looked for a pen. "There we are, now what's first. Let's see here, name," I wrote my name and continued "date of birth," I again wrote the information. "sex," I wrote the information. "race," I filled out the information and eventually completed it to the best of my ability. I walked to my room and checked the time on my phone. It was 9 in the evening and had been around 5 when I got home. "I wonder if my laptop has got power?" I searched the mess near my desk for my laptop case and eventually found it. I opened the laptop on the desk and pressed the on button. I received the powering up logo and left out a breath. I made my way to the desktop and began browsing files. "Let's see, Creepypastas, hell no, ah KSP." I booted up Kerbal Space Program and began devising a space shuttle like design to dock with the space station I made. 7 prototypes and 21 Kerbals later, I had succeeded at getting it into orbit. 4 other prototypes and almost ramming into the space station after that, I had successfully docked the shuttle. I let out a sigh of relief and saved the game. I got up from the chair and turned off the laptop. I laid down on the bed and threw the covers over me before letting sleep overcome me. I was awoken by a knocking. I got up and went to answer. A white unicorn stallion in a hard hat was waiting with a clipboard. "You Ben Kerr?" he said. "Yeah." "Sign here. Don't worry your pretty little flank, Princess Celestia paid for this in full." He handed me the clipboard and I signed it. "All items damaged in process of moving will be paid in full by the company. Please step outside, here is your new address, see you in 15 minutes." he handed my a slip of paper and motioned for me to step out. "Hey, as a 'Welcome to the Neighborhood' gift, I'll fix your door." I looked at the slip and read "59 Apple Branch Road, Ponyville. Where the fuck is that?" I muttered. "It's near Sweet Apple Acres. You can follow us if ya wish." said the foreman. "Huh, at least it's near my place of work. Sure why not." After a few minutes the 6 unicorns lifted my apartment of the ground and began carrying it towards Sweet Apple Acres. It was slow going but we eventually made it to an area near the Acres. They set down the apartment after connecting pipes and wires. How they made metal bend; fuck if I know. Will I question it; not likely. "Alright, that's it. Don't worry, I'll be back within the hour to fix that door." said the foreman as he motioned for the unicorns to follow him. I walked into my house and looked for a light switch. "Moment of truth." I muttered as I put my finger on the light switch. To my delight it turned on. "Oh fuck yeah!" I walked to my PS3 and pressed the on button. It started up and I turned on the TV. I inserted The Last of Us and began reacquainting myself with the controls by playing Left Behind. 4 Hours Later I arrived at the main menu when I heard a knocking at my door. "Come in." I said, pausing the game. "Mornin sugarcube, appears you're our new neighbors. So, this is The Last of Us." said Applejack as she approached me from behind. "Yep. Have a seat, we'll be waiting for someone else." I said, preparing a new game. "You rang." said Celestia. "Jesus!" I yelled as I jumped of my couch in surprise. Both Applejack and Celestia laughed as I picked myself up. "Ha ha ha, alright let's just get this over with." I selected normal and began a new game. This is a Transcript of the comments made by those present AJ: What are those on screen? Me: Fungal spores. AJ: What? Me: You'll see. A happy reunion later Celestia: This is rather charming. AJ: Looks like real life too. A Gas Leak Explosion Later AJ and Celestia: What's going on? Me: The apocalypse. A Jumpscare and dead zombie later AJ: Dear Celestia, what happened to him?! Celestia: I don't know Lots of Driving and Running Later AJ: Run faster, Ben! They're right behind you! A Dead Sarah Later AJ and Celestia: Where are the tissue? Me: I have a box specifically for this scene "Wow, sorry but I got to go." said Celestia as she popped away. I was about to say something to Applejack when my stomach grumbled. "Fuckin A I'm hungry. Wanna get something to eat?" "Sure sugarcube, I'd love to. Where do ya want ta go?" Applejack said. "I got here 2 days ago, I don't know dick about places to eat." I retorted. "Let's go to Sugarcube Corner." I agreed and we walked to a giant gingerbread house. "Kinda eerie, no one in the streets." I said, pointing out that no one was in the streets. "Yeah, weird." Applejack said, lying terribly. "Alright I've seen Pinocchio lie better, you're in on this. What's going on?" "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh." She stuttered. "And ze truth comes forward." I said, smiling smugly. "Well you see....." her beautiful emerald eyes darted left to- wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? Did I really just- why am I?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE DOING TO ME!? BEN'S MIND, EMERGENCY MEETING! CODE RED, CODE FUCKING RED! Applejack noticed that Ben.exe had stopped working and asked "Uh, sugarcube. You alright?" However I was having an inner debate. "SHE* is a pony and WE are a human! There are not enough levels of fucked up to describe that is!"* "You see any other people here. Pony ass will have to substitute for people ass." All my other mental facilities yelled "SHUT THE FUCK UP SEXUAL DESIRE!" To which Sexual Desire responded. "THIS IS THE REPUBLIC OF BEN KERR'S MIND, BITCHES! FREEDOM OF THOUGHT FOR THE WIN!" I was shuck from the mental Roman style Senate room by a punch to my face. "Oh, fuckin A that hurt! Why did you do that?!" "Ya stopped moving and ya didn't do anything when I tried it. Sorry but it was all that was left in mah bag of tricks." Applejack said. "It's alright, I get it. Back to the matter at hand or hoof, what's goin on?" I reassured her and put her on the spot. "I can't say, but it involves the 3 Ps." said Applejack. "What are 'the 3 Ps'?" I asked as we approached the door to the gingerbread house. Applejack chuckled and said "You'll find out soon enough." My mind raced with possibilities as my hand gripped the door knob. Then I was blown back by probably a thousand ponies yelling "SURPRISE!!!!" "Uh, I thought that explosions leveled small cottages when detonated." I choked out. "And didn't yell 'surprise'." I added. "WEREYASURPRISED?! WEREYAHUH!?" said the iconic voice of Pinkie Pie. "Yes I was surprised when all of Ponyville yelled 'Surprise!'. However, I also almost shit myself and my ears are ringing." She apologized and lead me inside, where the ponies were deeply surprised that the '2 legged monster' was celebrating a birthday. "Hey this is a party! A birthday party no less! I threw this so Ben could make friends, not so everypony could be cower in fear! Now,Ben, I want you to take the floor and tell everypony about yourself!" shouted Pinkie, shoving me into the middle of the room. "Well, I'm Ben Kerr. I'm a human being, from New York City, in the United States of America, on the planet Earth, in the Solar System, don't know why we haven't named it, in the Milky Way Galaxy. I grew up in rural Pennsylvania in the United States of America. I guess none of those names mean anything to, huh. That's what I thought. I guess that's all I have to say." Party went well, I think. Don't really remember much, because I found out what the 3 Ps are. Pinkie, Parties, and Punch. And apparently, the punch had alcohol in it because I blacked out after a few drinks. Call me a lightweight, but I was the guy who didn't drink so I could tell my friends what they did and drive them home. Chapter 3; AftermathI awoke to a massive headache. "Uh, if I never see cake again it'll be to soon." I muttered. I looked up and noticed that I was on my couch in my apartment.... and Applejack was nearby. I look for a few minutes I need a shower. Questions can come later and when she wakes up. Walking to the bathroom, I grabbed some fresh clothes and put them in the bathroom before turning on the shower. I enjoy singing when I shower and on this fine morning, I decided to go with Do You Hear The Critics Sing, a parody of Do You Hear The People Sing. Meanwhile, I thought about what happened after I got drunk, why Applejack was nearby on my couch, what had we done... what my true thoughts about her were. After my shower was done, I put on the new clothes and waked to the living room. I put on my headset and put in Red Dead Redemption. I didn't want to disturb AJ so I turned down the volume. On my third save, I was on the last mission. I entered, watched the cutscene, killed first wave, ran to the house, watched the cutscene and played until I got to the barn. Cutscene played, I shed a man tear at the good-byes, walked outside and marked targets, shot them and was immediately shot down. I changed to Jack's perspective and rode back to the farm, and shed another tear at their mourning. "Would you do that?' asked Applejack, startling me. "Oh, sorry I woke you. What?" I said, apologizing. "No worries, your singin woke me up. I mean, would you do that; sacrifice yourself so your family could escape." she elaborated. I went into pondering mode, and after a few minutes I said "If it came down to it, and I saw no other way out, I probably would. Yeah, I definitely would; take the bullet, throw myself on the grenade, take the beating, draw the attention of the bad guy." "That really shows a ponies character." she said, crawling over to me and surprisingly kissing me on the cheek. "Alright, what happened last night? I kinda blacked out after a few drinks." I said, startled. "Well, not what you're thinkin. We had some drinks together, talked, eventually we came here and passed out on the couch." she elaborated, eyes half mast. "Then what the hell was that?!" I said. I get no answer as she snores loudly. "Damn it." I mutter, saving the game, and noticing that it was still pretty early. My eyes were closing when a sound came from my bedroom. "The hell was that?" I muttered as I stretched and got up. On my dresser was a note next to the candlestick. It read Dear Mr. Kerr, I must inform you that news of your arrival is spreading quickly and, to nip any rumors in the bud, I must ask you to make a presentation to be presented by you on the news. Celestia "Great." I moaned sitting down in my computer chair and opening Powerpoint. "No Wikipedia and I've got to remember a majority of the events in human history, biology, psychology, and science. Fuck my life." So I didn't go completely insane, I started playing music on my phone. A Few Hours Later "Unfortunately, my species's history is bathed in human blood, from our time as nomads to our modern time now. My world is one of 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend', 'damned if you do, damed if you don'ts', 'Homo homini lupus' and 'history is written to the victor'. However, it is also a world of 'I Have a Dream', 'homo sanctus est homini'.... huh, this really tells me something about my species." I spoke as I typed and would have continued typing my speech when there was a tap at my door. I turned and saw Applejack. "Hey, AJ." "What ya doin there sugahcube?" she asked, walking towards my desk. "Here." I handed her the letter from Celestia. "I also have some questions about last night. What the bloody hell happened?" "We had some drinks and came here. Talked a bit and feel asleep." "Alright," I turned back to my computer and saved my work before opening Movie Maker, "what did we talk about?" "What your life was like before you came here, past love life, things like that. Don't really remember much though." she responded. "Dido, I blacked out before we even left." "Alright well I've gotta go. You've gotta nice voice by the way." she said, turning to walk away. "Thanks.... lots of practice I guess." She nodded and left while I turned back to my work. I tried to search my mind for more sayings that reflect positively on humanity, but I couldn't for 2 reasons. 1; Not that many that are as memorable, and 2; I could only think about Applejack. "Damn it..." I muttered, realizing that I wasn't getting anymore work done for awhile. To help me unwind, I put started playing 'soothing' music; and by 'soothing' I mean fast paced, energetic and intense. I was resting my eyes while listening to 'Dogfight' from the Ace Combat; Assault Horizon soundtrack when there was a knock on my door. "Who is it?" I said. "It's Lyra." responded the voice from behind the door. "Come in." I said. I heard the door open and was nearly immediately thrown against the wall by magic. Expecting to see a burly leg-breaker, I was surprised to see Lyra. "Lyra, just a teeny, tiny, itti-bitti, little question; WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" "I saw how you look at her, talk to her. I can't let her have you." she placed unusual emphasis on 'Her'. "Oi, bitch, Stockholm Syndrome ain't gonna work on me." I responded, looking for a way to distract her, a weapon, or a way to call for help. "I don't know what that is, but you and I are gonna have enough time to talk." she then hit me over the head with a lamp and I was knocked out. I awoke strapped down to a table in a dark room. I struggled to look around and what I saw shocked me. Rifles, helmets, and distinctly human items were strung across the room. "Alright, fuckin hell. Looks like I've got to find my inner Macgyver." I struggled against the restraints and found that they were rusty, they would break easily. If the guns were loaded, I would have an easy time escaping. Hours passed, probably even days. I slept little and began to feel the affects of dehydration. Before I had enough time to break the bonds, the door opened and Lyra walked in. "Hello there, Ben. Sorry, I took so long. I hope you're comfortable. Now, what is 'Stockholm Syndrome'." "Before that, could you get me a glass of water. I beginning to fell the affects of dehydration." She complied and after I finished, I began to explain "Well you see, it is a psychological condition that causes a hostage to develop positive feeling for their captors and even going so far as to defend their actions." I tired to stealthily loosen the bonds and I was confident enough by sentence end to use a surge of strength to break it. "It usually develops after I KNOCK A BITCH OUT!" The bonds shattered and my fist connected with Lyra's face, sending her flying into the back wall. I undid my leg bonds and tied up Lyra with nearby rope. "Let's see here, uh, an M1 Garand, M1911, both in excellent condition, a revolver, looks to be .375 magnum and single action, a Winchester repeater, and a double-barrel shotgun, all of which appear to have minor damage...." I muttered before noticing something. "Holy shit is this a hidden blade." the gauntlet I found had the Assassin insignia and I could see the tip of the blade. Either a the real thing or a good replica, I thought as I noticed more unusual items. A Pip-Boy 3000, a watch with Russian letters inscribed on it, a Task Force 141 patch, a Solid Eye, what appears to be Agent 47's garrote wire as well as many other things from fictional works. A plasma cutter, a M-8 Avenger, a M314 Motion Tracker and M41A Pulse Rifle, an iron helmet with horns on jutting out from the sides, and stockpiles of ammo that could give North Korea a run for its money. It could take years to list all the things in here and longer to take it all out. “Where the hell did she get all this?” I asked myself quietly. I reached down a picked up the motion tracker and turned it on. Expecting to only get a blank screen, I was surprised when it started pulsing. Even more surprising was it detected motion. Grabbing for the nearest weapon, I came up with the Pulse Rifle. The ammo counter glowed a pale red with the number ’99’. I set down the motion tracker and looked for what moved. I noticed that Lyra was gone and grabbed the motion tracker again. “You gotta be fucking kidding me! I kinda wish a xenomorph was after me.” I realized I didn’t want to kill her and sat the rifle down. I searched for something that wouldn’t kill her and came up with a tranquilizer pistol, that was nearby the Solid Eye. I remembered that this wasn’t non-lethal, just less lethal and hoped that I wouldn’t overdose her. I decided that I would need a flashlight and looked over the table. “I’m gonna look like a jackass, but I’m gonna be a functioning jackass.” Approximately an hour later, I emerged from the room wearing random gear from the room with the Motion Tracker and Tranq Gun in my hands. On my left arm a Pip-Boy, on my right a Hidden Blade and on my back was the Pulse Rifle. A red bandana from Rambo was tied around my head and a mining helmet, with a flashlight, topped it. “Let’s do this.” I said before walking away. Chapter 4; Hide and SeekYou know, the sound of a Motion Tracker is really disquieting when for a few minutes it is the standard ‘No Motion’ sound and it suddenly gets motion. Even more disquieting is when it always is just a few bits before stopping. Even more is when you can swear you hear whispering under the pulsing. I was surrounded by shelves with things I couldn't even name. A few times I had to stop myself from fanboying over the discovery of a Smart-gun or lightsaber. “Hey Lyra, what are you even trying to gain? Kidnapping me, stalking me in the dark like a murderer.” “I can’t let her have you. You know that Ben. Would you kindly stop running from my love?” responded Lyra, but I couldn’t tell if she was close or far away due to the echo. After a few moments silence, I responded “You’re middle name wouldn’t happen to be Atlas would it?” "No, why?" "No reason. Just reminded me of something." My train of thought was derailed by a nuke when Lyra jumped me from behind. I shook her off, but dropped the things in my hands. I quickly grabbed at one of the nearby shelves and came up with.... a teletubby doll. Lyra prepared to pounce a few feet away and I held up the doll in a defensive position. "Stay back, I've got a!..... teletubby." I dropped it and grabbed for the rifle on my back. "And a Pulse Rifle." She stopped, recognizing that I held it like a weapon. "Now, what in the name of all that is fucking holy do you think you are doing?" "What am I doing?! I am trying to win your love! Then I can study human mating patterns!" "You can study 'mating patterns' when you take it from my cold, dead hands!" "That doesn't even make sense!" "Neither does your plan! Now kindly point me in the direction of the exit so I can get the HELL out of here!" "Why would I do that?" "Other than extreme moral issues with your plan, it also isn't a very go study." "What do you mean?" she asked. "It isn't scientific. A real study would have it happen naturally, not force it." I elaborated. "Oh, so will you go out with me?" she asked. "Let's see; you've tackled me, kidnapped and assaulted me, made it clear you intend to force yourself upon me, and stalked me in the dark. Your chances are equal to that having hell freezing over." "Is that good?" Lyra asked with a hopeful smile. "No." She began crying and any attempt to get a response were unsuccessful. I picked up the motion tracker and after a few minutes of wandering, I found a sign that read Exit -> "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" I followed the sign and came across an exit. Of course, it was locked. Lucky for me, I had an under-barrel grenade launcher. Crouching behind cover, I took aim and pumped it. A buom sounded as I pulled the trigger. The shock wave knocked me over and thin rays of sunlight shown through the new opening. I pumped the launcher again and walked towards my newfound freedom. Up the stairs I walked and looked at the scene I had caused. I found myself somewhere in Sweet Apple Acres. At least is where I thought I was because of all the apple trees. My motion tracker started going crazy as something got closer. Just in case it was something deadly, I lowered the pulse rifle to my shoulder. I heard a dog barking and someone feminine talking. "HEY! OVER HERE! HELP!" I shouted. I waited and the blips came closer. A collie ran through the underbrush and soon followed by Applejack, who promptly tackled me. Not in a, 'STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!' way but in the way a child would latch onto a parent who returned from war. Even more surprising was when she kissed me full on the lips. It wasn't an accident either, because she looked at me with pure glee before doing it. After a few seconds, we both needed oxygen and broke the kiss. After a few gasps, I said "I guess that's how you feel about me, eh?" She started to get up and muttered "Ah'm sorry sugarcube. I just... coul-MPH!" I surprised her by pulling her in for another kiss. We broke again and she said "Ah guess that's how ya feel about me?" "Yeah... this mean we're an item now." We both nodded and got up before walking to the farmhouse. "So, how long have I been missing?" I said, biting into an apple fritter. Applejack and I sat at a picnic table near the house. "Three days. Ah got worried after ya didn't show up after the first few days. Big Mac went to your house, found the door wide open and you nowhere in sight. We reported it to the Guard and they searched high and low for you." "Yeah... we should probably get Lyra into custody before she does something, uh, drastic. She went bat shit insane and kidnapped me when she thought we were together. She'll probably go shitting bats insane when she finds out we are actually together." I picked up the pulse rifle and motion tracker and motioned for AJ to follow me. Arriving at the 'Vault' as I call it, we made idle conversation as we searched for Lyra. "I think we should keep this place on the down low." I suggested. "Why?" "If we do, we've got an arsenal to put North Korea to shame and the ammo to keep everything firing. Besides, when preparing for the apocalypse you always think you have enough until the zombies come. Also, I'm probably the only one in this world that can use them practically." "What do ya mean?" "Hands and fingers. I don't think that hooves can fit into a trigger guard. This is probably ever nerds dream; a underground bunker that no one knows about full of items from various franchises." "I suppose. But promise me this; You only use this stuff in worst-case scenarios. Promise?" Applejack asked, giving me the cutest 'Pwease?' face I've ever seen. "Of course. I'm not a psychopath." I responded. She motioned for me to bend down. When I did, she kissed me on the forehead. "Who would've thought that me being kidnapped would bring us together?" We pressed our foreheads against each other and gave a satisfied sigh "We should probably not do this in here. Lyra will probably flip her shit and do something extremely drastic." We continued onward and we both heard sobbing. "Alright, go get some guards. I'm gonna try and talk some sense into her. Now before you try and talk me out of it, I'll be fine. I think she trusts me. Besides, I've got a pulse rifle." Applejack nodded and turned to leave. I took a deep breath and continued into the next room. "Lyra, are you okay?" Then I was pounced. "Oh my Celestia, Ben! I was soooooooooo worried about you! No we can be together for ever." "No, we aren't!" "Wait, what are you saying Ben?" gasped Lyra. I, exasperated, facepalmed and growled "I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! IF THERE WAS A LIKABILITY SCALE BETWEEN 1 AND 10, YOU'D BE NEGATIVE PI! YOU'VE BEEN OUTLAWED IN 28 STATES, JUST SO PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! IF A COLOGNE WERE TO BE NAMED AFTER YOU IT'D BE CALLED 'ESSENCE OF ANNOYANCE'! IF CANCER GOT CANCER, YOU'D BE THE ONE THEY'D NAME IT AFTER! KNOCK, KNOCK!" I screamed. "Who's there?" responded Lyra, the message I was trying to get across smacking her face. "NODODY! BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD EVER WANT TO SEE YOU! WHEN PEOPLE ASK MONKS WHAT THE MEANING OF LIFE IS, THEY SAY 'STAY AWAY FROM YOUR DUMB ASS! YOU'RE BEETHOVEN'S LOST SYMPHONY 'DEATH TO JOY'! Would every unicorn with green fur, a Lyre cutie mark, and a likable personality please raise your hoof?" Lyra slowly raised her hoof, only to be met with my yelling, which was noticeably rougher. "YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO EVEN GET THAT JOKE! ON THE EVOLUTIONARY SCALE, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE GOING BACKWARDS! YOU'RE THE SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING ON EVERY PACK OF CIGARETTES! GIVE ME AN 'I', GIVE ME A 'H', GIVE ME AN 'A-T-E YOU'! I HATE YOU!!!" I snapped out of my daze and wondered what to say. "Actually, Lyra, no we aren't. You can not make me love you. I'm sorry but it's not gonna happen. But I'll offer you a deal; I'll sing a little song, explain what all this stuff is and drop all charges, you never try to make me love you again, we never speak of this place or what happened here." She sighed, "Alright, fine. Deal. What's this song?" "Well...... I fucking love science! Can you even imagine(way back in the past) when we thought that storms were caused by petty gods fighting on top of the mountain. And yeah, I like a good story but eventually it's gonna bore me if it doesn't have that truth; That incontrovertible, testable, repeatable proof I Fuckin' love Science I Fuckin' Love Charles Darwin Cause I don't think it's bold to question what you're told If you're told that the world's a thousand years old. There's nothing here to argue against, It's a process not an ideology, And I fucking love science. Sometimes people ask me, Of all of the centuries, Which I'd pick to live life in. We'll, that's pretty easy... Right now. If you think objectively. If you like hot running water, And memory foam beds, And TV shows and cell phones, And not being dead You fuckin' love science, And I fuckin' love Carl Sagan 'Cause I think it's fly to look up at the sky And never ever ever stop wondering why There's nothing here to argue against It's a process not an ideology, And I fucking love science. Wooly mammoth embryos Vaccines for smallpox and polio Your TV set, the internet Your PS4, supersonic jets. Exoplanets galaxies, DNA, germ theory, relativity, Just take a sec to think about it How screwed we would be without it. I Fuckin' love Science And I love Rosalind Franklin, 'Cause I want to die remembering why The truth is more important than winning a prize. There's nothing here to argue against. It's a process not an ideology, And I fucking love science. "There, that's your fucking song. All this stuff, is a result of science. Enhancements in medicine, everything; comes from science. Hopefully that's enough of an explanation, because explaining every object would take years. Now, let's get out of here." Chapter 5; SpeechLyra and I managed to get out before the guards arrived and I explained that I was dropping charges. They were confused at first, but I explained (made shit up) what happened and why. Four days later at 8a.m, Applejack and I sat at the Ponyville Train Station waiting for our train. I packed a suit that Rarity made, a few books, a change of clothes, my laptop, things I'd need for my speech, Corvo's sword, and a Pip-Boy 3000. To entertain us, I read aloud from What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions. I was explaining how an AK-47 creates enough thrust to push itself and a squirrel into the air when the train came into the station. I picked up my stuff and we got on. On the way, I checked my SPECIAL and Skills on the Pip-Boy. Strength; 7 Perception; 6 Endurance; 4 Charisma; 8 Intelligence; 10 Agility; 5 Luck; 15 "Ah'll never understand your fascination with those gadgets." Applejack mumbled. "Eh, you get used to them when you have them all your life. Besides, they're entertaining." I got out my laptop and loaded the complete video of 'That Guy Riffs' from That Guy with the Glasses, in an effort to hopefully get AJ into something I like. She didn't laugh at the first few minutes but I got a giggle out of her at 'That's not the only thing he'll be thumbing. Hahaha, if you got that then you're GAY!' and her laughter increased from their. After an uneventful, day long journey full of Nostalgia Critic reviews, we arrived at Canterlot and were escorted to a hotel by guards. While waiting for our room, I sat down at a rather plush chair beside AJ and began reading Flags of Our Fathers. You would find similar books on my bookshelf at home, books about history or science, some fantasy here or there. "Good evening, sir." said a stallion that I hadn't seen with my eyes on the book. I looked up and saw a stallion in an old time suit and monocle. "Evening." I said in response before going back to reading. "Might I know your name?" he said, getting the message that I wasn't in the mood for talking. "Ben Kerr. And you are?" I asked, trying to gather some semblance of interest. "Fancypants. What is it that you are reading?" he asked, glad to have someone to talk to. "Flags of Our Fathers. It's about the lives of the flag-raisers at the Battle of Iwo Jima. It's probably one of famous picture in human history. You have no idea what those words mean do you?" he shook his head " 'course not. Good to see all my time researching is going to waste in a world without my history." "Perhaps not. I believe I may be able to piece together what's happening." I handed him the book, letting him levitate it to his face. After a few moments, his face went whiter than his coat already was. "Seems like an interesting read. Do you have any more books like this?" I scoffed and said "Pah, I got books, movies, documentaries, video games, the whole sha-bang." "I believe I may have an offer for you. I own a swiftly growing entertainment company and, if I see more of your work, I may consider hiring you as a content creator. What do you say, good sir?" "Sure, just give me time to put together a portfolio." I assured. "I shall check my schedule, and reserve two days for you. Here is my card." he levitated me a card and I pocketed it. A bell-boy motioned to AJ and I and we followed him to our room. Next Day 9:28 am Celestia went about introducing me, while AppleJack and I were backstage. I had my suit and laptop. If I shaved my head and had leather gloves, I could pass for Agent 47. I, understandably, was freaking out while Applejack tried to calm me down. "Look at me, sugarcube. Just look at me, and nopony else." She leaned forward and kissed me. We held for a few seconds and when we separated, she stated "Yur gonna do fine." "And now, my loyal subjects, I present to you the only human in Equestria, Benjamin Donald Kerr." Celestia's words echoed from the stage and I began walking forward. We met as she went backstage, and I shook her hoof before continuing to the podium. I laughed and said "Wow are you guys short." as a sort of ice breaker. Then I got down to business. I connected the laptop to a projector that I had left over from college. I opened the laptop and loaded the file before turning on the projector. It wired to life and began showing my screen against a white sheet. "Hello, I'm Ben Kerr, your friendly neighborhood human. Let's begin with basics shall we; I'm a human, scientific name Homo Sapien translated from Latin, it means 'Wise Man'. We are the only sapient life form on the planet Earth which, as far as we know, is the only planet that can sustain life. I don't know this is a different universe, same planet or the same universe, different planet. We can't fly without a machine," a supersonic jet swooped by on screen, " and we can't use magic. Now, some of you may be wondering 'How can you even do simple things?!'. The answer to that question, my friends, is science. Before we continue, imagine, will you? You are part of a crew entering human space, this is what you would likely see" Youtube Video Science has allowed us to break the sound barrier, multiple times, within the confines of a piece of metal curved just so that it creates lift. Science has lead to so many brilliant inventions that I can't imagine my life without science. The thing I'm showing this presentation on is a product of science. I mean, for Christ's sake, we landed on the Moon, the freaking Moon, in the Sixties!" There was a shocked gasp as Neil Armstrong's famous words echoed of the walls 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for man kind.' "However, science has also allowed us to create machine guns," a picture of WW1 soldiers in gas masks on a Maxim gun, "and a bomb that can, frankly, level a city." Thinking that real nuclear test footage would be too brutal, I instead substituted Civilization nukes. "But, if we are being frank, my world is a mixed bag. For every Moon Landing, there is a Manhattan Project but even then, that brought tons of scientific advancements. For every Martin Luther King Junior or Mahatma Ghandi, there is an Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin. For every Cenk Uygur or Jon Stewart, there is a Rush Limbaugh or the entirety of FOX News, except Shepard Smith. There are a lot of things that nobody can fix; in billions of years our sun will turn into a Red Dwarf and consume our planet, nothing can stop that. We will die, our cells can only divide so many times. But there is also things we can fix; corruption, global warming, republican politicians." The speech continued like that until I reached the end. "Now, after all that depressing information, let's end on a happy note. I did not make this but... it makes me smile every time." Youtube Video "Also a quote by Robert A. Heinlein, 'I believe in my whole race. Yellow, white, black, red, brown --in the honesty, courage, intelligence, durability....and goodness.....of the overwhelming majority of my brothers and sisters everywhere on this planet. I am proud to be a human being. I believe that we have come this far by the skin of our teeth, that we always make it just by the skin of our teeth --but that we will always make it.... survive.... endure. I believe that this hairless embryo with the aching, oversize brain case and the opposable thumb, this animal barely up from the apes, will endure --will endure longer than his home planet, will spread out to the other planets, to the stars, and beyond, carrying with him his honesty, his insatiable curiosity, his unlimited courage --and his noble essential decency. This I believe with all my heart.' Thank you." I walked off stage. Celestia smiled at me, "I believe that went well." I see my 15 Luck serves me well.
Prologue; The World was OffPrologue The World was Off January 27, 2015 2:24 am "WATCH THE STAIRS, JUGGERNAUT!" I yelled at my co-op partner and childhood friend, Tate Daniels, while I looked out the window of our hold out in the 'Estate Takedown' Spec Ops mission on our quest to complete all Ops on Veteran. We were in my apartment the night before his 23 birthday. Technically it was his 23 birthday because it was like 2 in the morning. "Okay, okay, I'll get my flashbang ready." he responded. The juggernaut came into view but when Tate threw the flashbang it flew passed the juggernaut and he quickly slaughtered us as we tried to empty our magazines into him and run into the bathroom to get a break. "I'm down!" The mission was failed and I took a swig from my water bottle before leaning back on my couch. "Damn it. Wanna play the Co-Op campaign in World at War on Veteran?" I asked after sighing. "Sure." he asked. I took the disk out of my PS3 and inserted the WaW disk. A Few Hours Later After various "I got the Flamethrower.", and the subsequent "Burn baby, burn.", "Revive me." and "Damn it" at the inevitable failing the mission, I awoke in the morning to discover I was in a world full of multicolored, 4ft tall with horns and wings. I didn't notice immediately but I did nearly immediately notice the sticky note on my forehead. I took it off and read it. Ben, You passed out in the middle of Ring of Steel, around 3. Guess that you either really ain't a party guy or you did pull an all nighter yesterday. See ya later, Tate PS; Thanks for the party "Eh fuck. At least it's Saturday. Happy birthday to you." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. Upon seeing it was 3pm, I muttered to my self "'Bout 12 hours of sleep after nearly 3 days awake straight. Not bad." before I walked towards my bathroom and noticed a tall, winged unicorn in my bedroom. "Hello creature." it said. I then screamed like a little girl. An unseen hand grabbed me and hoisted me in the air. "Calm down creature. I mean you no harm." "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-!" then I felt as if something was stuffed in my mouth. "Creature, calm down. I mean you no harm. I will take the magical gag out of your mouth if you stop screaming. Do you promise to stop screaming?" I nodded and the feeling in my mouth went away. "Now who and what are you?" I cleared my throat and answered "I believe that the more prominent question is why the fuck are you in my bedroom?" "I asked first." she smugly replied. "FINE! I am Ben Kerr, a goddamn human." I yelled. "What is a 'goddamn human'." she asked. "It's not a 'goddamn human', just a human. A human is a homo sapien scientifically and are the only extant member of the Hominin Clade, a branch of great apes characterized by erect posture, bipedal locomotion, manual dexterity, increased tool use and a general trend towards larger, more complex brains and societies." "That's quite a mouth full." she said in surprise. "I didn't go to college for nothing. My turn. What the fuck are you doing in my house, and more importantly, how the fuck did you get in my house?" "Your house is in the middle of a busy street in Ponyville, so it is not hard to miss, and I teleported in." "What do you mean 'you teleported'?" "It was a basic teleportation spell. By the way, I am Princess Celestia." "Odd name." I retorted. "So do you." she relied smugly. I was a bit shocked by her response but said "Touche. Back to the matter at hand, what do you mean 'basic teleportation spell'." she had a cocky expression and I quickly added "Other than the fucking obvious." "It is a spell that allows me to appear in a location in the blink in the eye." I gave her a 'Da fuck are you talkin 'bout' look. "What, doesn't your world have magic?" "No, the only 'magic' my world has is technology. But fuck, 'Give a cave man technology, he'll call it magic. Give a modern man magic, he'll call it technology.'" "Interesting saying. But what you're saying is you're world doesn't have magic, but has magic in fiction." I nodded and she said "And that some of your kind consider technology your magic." I nodded again "And that you believe you can get magic through technology." "That's a hard note, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad." "Well, I believe that you aren't a threat to my subjects. I'm sure my that my personal student, Twilight Sparkle, would love to meet you but I believe that she would go overboard. What does this stuff do?" she pointed at my PS3 and computer. "That is a video game console, more specifically a Playstation 3, and that is a computer." I responded. "Really, Coltari has been gaining popularity but I don't think it will really take off among adults." I groaned and said "Really, Coltari. Jesus if there's a city called Fillydelphia I'm gonna flip out." "What there is a city called Fillydelphia." "There's a city in my world called Philadelphia and a video game company called Atari in my world and they kick started the video game industry. They also nearly ran it into the ground in the '80s but after that Nintendo rescued it from the brink in my country. Today it's worth over $65 billion. Give me some electricity and I can show you what video games have become in my world." "Oh that should be easy! I can have you sign some papers and have some unicorns levitate your house to an open position in town." "We should probably see how 'your subjects' react to me first." We walked to my front door and she opened it. I walked out and looked waited for Celestia as 'her subjects' stared at me. "Uh, Celestia where are you?" I looked back at my door and saw a note. It read Dear Ben, Something came up that required my immediate attention. I'll be back as soon as I can. Celestia "Quel figlio di una canga(Italian for That son of a bitch)." I muttered as a mint unicorn sprinted at and tackled me. "Five digited hand. Check. Erect Posture. Check. Bipedal Motion. Check! Mostly Hairless. CHECK! Excuse me, are you a human?!" she said. "Yes, fun fact; Humans have an innate fight or flight instinct. At the same time you're making flight nearly impossible and fight look very appealing." "Oh, hehe, sorry about that. I got really excited." she said as she got of me. "No shit Sherlock." I muttered as I got up. After I dusted myself off I said "So, you are?" "I'm Lyra Heartstrings, call me Lyra." she said, trying to get a look around my arm to see into my apartment. "Ben, and I don't feel comfortable giving you my last name yet." "Oh, I can respect that. I wouldn't tell somepony my name if somepony, well, did what I did to you." Suddenly I was kicked in the stomach by a pony to my left, sent through my door and over my couch. After a brief coughing fit, I climbed up and looked over my couch. An orange pony with a blonde mane and a stetson was staring at me through the door with Lyra. "Good fuckin mornin to you too." I said, speaking like I had taken the '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' song to heart. "APPLEJACK?! Why did you do that?!" yelled Lyra at the pony who kicked me. "Yes, I would like to know that as well. Please hurry, my vision is getting blurry and I feel sleepy. Uh, I feel like one of my ribs is in one of my organs." "Oh, ah, well ya looked suspicious and Ah wanted ta act before ya did somethin drastic." "Ah, good to know Ero colpevope(I was guilty) until proven innocente(innocent). Se nessuno di voi mind(If none of you), I'm goin to take a nap." before I passed out. I awoke to the sound of hospital equipment and a doctor saying "Ah, you're awake. How do you feel?" "Like a particularly angry and strong golfer hit me in the stomach with his club, repeatedly." "Well, you are partially correct. You were kicked in the stomach by an applebucker." After a few seconds I asked, "That some kind of insult or profanity." "Oh no, it's another word for apple farmer." I mouthed 'Ohhhhhhhhh.' and he continued "While we don't know much about your species, we were able to determine that you had no broken bones or internal injuries. I'd say you got off lucky considering who kicked you. However, we ran some tests to help us understand your species and found something shocking." He let that sink in just a little too long and I said "AND?!" "We discovered that you don't have any magic." After that sank in, I burst out laughing "HAHAHA, oh I thought I had cancer or some shit! HAHA, ah oh dear god that's funny. Ah, you tell me it's something important and then it's that I don't have magic. Oh, might as well tell me that I breath fuckin oxygen." I was still snickering when he said "I'm serious." This caused another laugh attack. "What's so funny!?" "I believe I can answer that Doctor." That voice immediately snapped me out of my laughing fit and I was so angry my brain switched gears into Italian. "Oh, sei tornato. Quali i warrant cazzo lasiciando me a steppo in un luogo dove il mio tipo non esistino?" After a few seconds she responded "Come ho detto qualcosa che ha richiesto la mia attenzione si avvicino." "Lei parla intaliano?!" I asked, shocked. "No, I cast a translation spell." she said smugly. "Canga." I muttered under my breath, though she caught it. "Cazzo." she replied. "Can somepony tell me what the buck is going on?!" said the Doctor. "We were just bickering about something, Doctor. Now, from my previous conversation with Mr. Kerr here, I gathered that his world doesn't have real magic, though it does in fiction, and that him appearing here is a complete accident." "Graz- I mean thank you. Sorry, took an Italian class and it sort of became second nature to kinda switch gears into it like when I get angry and there are kids around. Or if I want to insult someone and don't want them to know." "I noticed, and I could have you thrown in prison for such remarks. However, I really should have told you before I left." "No shit, Sherlock." I thought to myself. "Alright, I believe I'm not needed. You will be kept over night for observation. I bid you farewell." said the doctor walking out of the room. "I can hear your thoughts, you know." said Celestia after the doctor left. "Alright, what am I thinking now." I quickly thought "The price is wrong bitch." and to my surprise, she said them as I thought them. "Alright you pass. What do ya want?" "I came to give you papers to apply for Equestrian Citizenship. I also believe that somepony would like to introduce themselves to you." "Alright, what time is it anyway?" Celestia said "It's 6:35. Here you are, good bye." before levitating some papers into my lap and teleporting away. There was a knock on my door and I said "Come in." before the door opened and the orange pony I saw shortly before I passed out. "Oh, hey, Applejack right. Or at least that is what I think I heard Lyra say." "Yeah, that's right sugarcube. I just wanted to say that, I'm sorry for doing that to you." "Hey, no big deal. Nothing's broken, or at least I hope nothing is. I'll be out tomorrow and we can have a fresh start. I'm Ben Kerr, by the way." "Jacqueline Apple, but everypony just calls me Applejack. Anyway, since you just got here out of the blue, Ah'm gonna assume ya don't have a job. So Ah offer you a job at Sweet Apple Acres. Do ya accept?" "Yeah, sure, that's one way to patch up any hard feelings. Anyway, thank you. What does it entail anyway?" "Well you're either gonna help buck apples or carry buckets of 'em to the barn for storage." I thought to myself "Well that bets being a freelance online video game critic with barely enough cash to afford his hobby, which is also his job, and keep up with new releases and pay bills. That is until Broke-tober rolls around." "Alright, guess that's all. See ya later." After she left I idly twiddled my thumbs, tried to sleep but quickly remembered that I had just basically slept for 15 hours straight. I remembered that I had my phone and quickly started a new campaign in XCOM.
Chapter 1; Introductions***Chapter 1 Introductions*** After various "Don't miss, don't miss, don't miss!", and the subsequent "Yes!" or "Figlio di puttana!" and mentally shitting myself upon discovering a Chryssalid, I managed to fall asleep. I awoke up to the sound of knocking on my door. "Eh, I'm up, I'm up. Come in." The doctor and a nurse entered with a wheelchair and said "Mr. Kerr, you're free to go." "Do I really need the wheelchair, doc?" "Sorry, hospital policy." he responded as the nurse helped me into the wheelchair. After I exited the hospital, I looked around and remembered something "Fuck, where's my house? Shit, might as well learn the layout of town if I'm staying." I walked towards 'Ponyville' if I remembered right. While walking down the streets, ignoring the stares from residents, I idly hummed Tom Lehrer's So Long Mom. "So long Mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me. But while you swelter down there in your shelter, you can see me- bum bum bum- on your TV. While we're attacking frontally, watch brinkally and huntally, describing contrapuntally the cities we have lost. No need for you to miss a minute of the agonizing Holocaust, YEAH!" "Whatcha singin." I was snapped out of my trance of looking for my house by a voice. "Huh?" I asked. "What are you singing, silly?" The mare was all pink and bouncing in stride with me. "Nothing special, say you seen a house? One story, windows on two sides, in the middle of a street." "Sure, you've been walking around it." I stopped dead in my tracks and looked to my left. "Non puoi essere serio cazzo." I muttered as I saw the window that looked into my living room/kitchen. "Anyway, what's your favorite kind of cake?" "Uh, chocolate frosting on chocolate I guess. Why do you ask?" She quickly said "Sorry gotta go." before bursting off in the other direction. "Weird." I said before walking towards my door and attempting to turn the doorknob. The second I laid my hand on it I remembered that I didn't have my keys and that the door was locked. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." I said as I slowly banged my head on the door. "Hey there sugarcube, whatcha doin?" I heard Applejack approach me as I said my 37th 'Fuck.' "Oh, hey Applejack. Fuck. The door's locked and I don't have my keys. Fuck." "HEY YOU!" was the only thing I heard before I was hit by a pony shaped bullet and used my door as a surfboard. "That's one way of solving that problem." I heard Applejack say, chuckling. "Good to know you can find humor in property damage and assault. Can you get off me?" "Yeah Rainbow Dash, get off him. He wouldn't hurt a fly." "Fine, but I'm watching you." said Rainbow Dash as I finally got a good view of her. She was a pegasus, why am not surprised, with sky blue fur and a rainbow mane. I rolled over and said "Why does everyone in this world commit a crime in my world; Celestia broke and entered, Lyra, assault I guess, Applejack assaulted me but I understand her reasoning and Rainbow assaulted me and damaged my property. Not blaming anyone but I'm noticing a trend." I heard a noise deeper in my house and said "What the fuck was that?!" I got up and walked to my bedroom. I opened the door and noticed a candle stick on my dresser. On it was a note that read Dear Ben This Candle Stick will allow you to contact me. I filled out the paperwork and your house will be moved to an open lot tomorrow. You will also be connected to the electric mainframe and water line. I will also want to take up your offer to see what video games have become in your world. Celestia "Huh, that was nice of her. Guess I might as well see what the ponies are doing." I remembered my phone was almost dead and placed my solar powered charger on the window. I walked back to my living room and saw Applejack looking confusedly at my Last of Us poster, while Rainbow was looking at my Ace Combat Assault Horizon poster. "Find anything interesting?" I said, startling Applejack. "What's this for?" she asked. "The Last of Us." I said, giving her a cocky grin. "Couldn't tell. Now tell me what it is really for before I buck ya into next week." she responded, giving me a look that told me that she wasn't kidding. "The Last of Us, third-person shooter developed by Naughty Dog and published by Sony. Been called by many as the 'Gaming Equivalent of Citizen Kane'" "Hmm, Ah don't know whether that was what Ah'm lookin for, so I'm just gonna buck ya into tomorra." she said, smirking. "Listen, I can show you tomorrow when I get my power back. Ya know what, let's go fucking do something before I lose my mind." "Sure, you comin Rainbow?" said Applejack, walking to the door. "Nah, I'm gonna leave you and your coltfriend alone." snickered Rainbow as she flew out the door. "Yeah, see ya." I said before I realized the horse pun. "Wait, you fucker!" I raced to the door and saw her laughing her ass off on a cloud. "YOU OWE ME A DOOR!". Applejack followed me outside and tried to contain her snickering. "Ya know she implied we're dating." This set off something in her head and she began yelling at Rainbow while I tried to fix my door. "Figlio cazzo di una canga porta." I muttered as I made an impromptu 'Do Not Enter' sign with a special message of 'Break and Enter, and I'll Break You'. I moved the door to the side and placed the sign around it before looking at Applejack. "So, where we going?" "I should probably show ya where my farm is so you know where to come for work." "Makes sense. Let's go." After a brief walk we reached the outskirts of Ponyville. "That is a lot of trees." "Yep, all ours." she began walking forward and looked back at me "You comin or are you just gonna stand there?" "Huh, oh yeah." We walked up the path and towards the house in the distance. I noticed the sound of hooves quickly approaching and said "And the trend continues in 3, 2, o-" I was cut off by hooves throwing me into a tree on my left. Then something hit me like a train. "Why didn't I just move?!". Then something actually hit me, in the balls. That, among other things, is one of the things that makes me go into 'Italian mode'. "Oh cazzo che fa male! Oh Dio perché le palle! Perché ti pony sempre assalto me?!" "BIG MAC, APPLEBLOOM! Get off him right now!" yelled Applejack. The pressure was removed from my groin and I gathered the strength to move my hands away from it and look up. There were 2 new ponies, a large red stallion, presumably the one who kicked me, and a small yellow filly with a red bow in hear head, presumably the one who landed on my balls. "Grazie Applejack." I muttered and finally noticed that Italian Mode was activated. "Oh, hehe, sorry. Thanks, Applejack. Guess I gotta explain that, don't I?" They nodded and I explained "In high school and college, as well as in-between, I took a class in another language, specifically Italian because of my Italian heritage and now it has become second nature for me to switch to it when in extreme pain, fear, or if I'm angry and there are kids around. That was extreme pain because, well, huh, how to put it?" "Your sensitive area." offered Applejack. "Yeah, yeah, that. I'm Ben Kerr, by the way. Christ, can you ponies at least ask for my name before assaulting me?" I got up and muttered "That's not gonna be a pleasant feeling in the morning." "Enope." said the stallion, who until that point had been silent and startled me. "That's Big Mac, he don't talk much." said Applejack. "And I'm Applebloom." chirped the filly. "Shall we get going?" I asked. They nodded and we continued. Once we reached the top of the hill Applejack turned to me. "So shall we see if ya can applebuck, sugarcube?" she said motioning for me to follow her to an apple tree. "Now just do this." she continued before turning on her heels(hooves?) and kicked the tree. All the apples promptly fell out. "Think ya can do that?" "I think I prefer my legs unbroken." I responded. "Oh come on sugarcube, just try." I shook my head 'no' and she looked at me with the most adorable fucking puppy dog eyes I've ever seen. "Pllllllleeease." "Fine, damn it you've discovered my weakness. Shit shouldn't have said that, now you know how to always get what ya want." I walked to a tree near her tree and tried to decide how to do it. I braced myself and kicked the tree. Not a single thing fell. "Well, looks like it will be carrying the buckets for me." Then everything in the tree fell off and I was buried in apples. I groaned out "Help." as I raised my hand from the pile. Applejack was laughing her ass off when she pulled me out of the pile. "Hahaha, oh that was funny. Seems you're a natural, just need to run once ya kick it. Ya good?" "I guess. Still wondering how the fuck I did that." "Ah, don't worry 'bout it. Guess that means that ya can help us here with the bucking. What else ya want to do?" "I'm still new here, so I'm leaving that to you." "Huh, guess Ah could introduce ya to everypony. Ya met Rainbow Dash, Ah assume ya met Pinkie cause Ah ran into her and she was blabbin bout a new pony in town. Actually, since Pinkie knows you're here you'll met everypony." "Why?" "She throws everypony a welcome party." "Huh, alright." "HI!" said the all to recognizable voice of Pinkie, which startled me and Applejack. "Where the fuck did you come from?! And how long have you been standing there?" "So how old are ya, huh, huh, huh?!" Pinkie said, getting creepily closer. "It just ain't your day, is it Ben? Better tell her or she'll hound you till ya do." said Applejack, smirking. "I'm 23 years old. I was born September 8, 1992 at 12:15 am. Care for me to go into more detail?" "Nah, that just means I need to do more planning." she said before she burst off into the distance. "Does she drink coffee?" I asked Applejack. She shook her head 'No' and I continued "Never let her drink anything but decaf. I pity the bastard that runs into her when she has had a shot of espresso. Well see ya." I said as I walked down the hill. "OH MY CELESTIA! That is a crime against fashion if I've ever seen it! Please follow me dear." a white unicorn with a purple mane grabbed me with her magic and carried me to a building. Upon entering, she set me down and grabbed some measuring tape. "So, what kind of clothes do you want?" "What? I didn't even ask for new clothes, though I guess I could use some formal wear." "Perfect! Please hold out your arms." I did so and she got my measurements. "Would you like a suit or a tuxedo?" "Suit, black suit jacket and pants, red tie and no gems." I looked around the room at the stands and noticed a lot of them on the clothes. "Or I'll have to kick my own ass. Actually I just thought of something. Do you make hats?" She nodded and I continued "I'd like a fedora made out of something durable, please. Crap, how am I gonna pay for this?" "Don't worry darling, your first order is on the house." "Nah, I owe you a favor. I gotta pay ya back somehow." After getting my head measurements, I thanked her and walked home. Upon reaching my house I remembered something; my fridge. "Huh, it's probably a biological weapon by now. Fuck me, why do I am I doing this?" For a semblance of protection, I grabbed a napkin and held it to my nose. "Three, two, oh fuck, one!" I said as I opened the fridge door and braced myself for the stench. After a few seconds nothing happened, I lowered the napkin and immediately regretted it. After a brief coughing fit I said "Oh fuck." and I closed the door quickly. "Christ, I don't think I'll be able to smell anything else for the rest of the day. Great, now I gotta get a new fridge. Figlio di una canga." I walked to my couch and collapsed. I said "Fuck I'm beat. Could fall asleep right he-" and fell asleep.
Chapter 2; I Play Game**Chapter 2 I Play Game** I awoke on my couch with a crick in my neck a few hours later. I wondered what had woken me when I felt a breeze. "Uh, fuck that hurts. Might as well fill out those papers." I got and cracked my neck as I walked to the kitchen table I set the papers on. I found them and looked for a pen. "There we are, now what's first. Let's see here, name," I wrote my name and continued "date of birth," I again wrote the information. "sex," I wrote the information. "race," I filled out the information and eventually completed it to the best of my ability. I walked to my room and checked the time on my phone. It was 9 in the evening and had been around 5 when I got home. "I wonder if my laptop has got power?" I searched the mess near my desk for my laptop case and eventually found it. I opened the laptop on the desk and pressed the on button. I received the powering up logo and left out a breath. I made my way to the desktop and began browsing files. "Let's see, Creepypastas, hell no, ah KSP." I booted up Kerbal Space Program and began devising a space shuttle like design to dock with the space station I made. 7 prototypes and 21 Kerbals later, I had succeeded at getting it into orbit. 4 other prototypes and almost ramming into the space station after that, I had successfully docked the shuttle. I let out a sigh of relief and saved the game. I got up from the chair and turned off the laptop. I laid down on the bed and threw the covers over me before letting sleep overcome me. I was awoken by a knocking. I got up and went to answer. A white unicorn stallion in a hard hat was waiting with a clipboard. "You Ben Kerr?" he said. "Yeah." "Sign here. Don't worry your pretty little flank, Princess Celestia paid for this in full." He handed me the clipboard and I signed it. "All items damaged in process of moving will be paid in full by the company. Please step outside, here is your new address, see you in 15 minutes." he handed my a slip of paper and motioned for me to step out. "Hey, as a 'Welcome to the Neighborhood' gift, I'll fix your door." I looked at the slip and read "59 Apple Branch Road, Ponyville. Where the fuck is that?" I muttered. "It's near Sweet Apple Acres. You can follow us if ya wish." said the foreman. "Huh, at least it's near my place of work. Sure why not." After a few minutes the 6 unicorns lifted my apartment of the ground and began carrying it towards Sweet Apple Acres. It was slow going but we eventually made it to an area near the Acres. They set down the apartment after connecting pipes and wires. How they made metal bend; fuck if I know. Will I question it; not likely. "Alright, that's it. Don't worry, I'll be back within the hour to fix that door." said the foreman as he motioned for the unicorns to follow him. I walked into my house and looked for a light switch. "Moment of truth." I muttered as I put my finger on the light switch. To my delight it turned on. "Oh fuck yeah!" I walked to my PS3 and pressed the on button. It started up and I turned on the TV. I inserted The Last of Us and began reacquainting myself with the controls by playing Left Behind. 4 Hours Later I arrived at the main menu when I heard a knocking at my door. "Come in." I said, pausing the game. "Mornin sugarcube, appears you're our new neighbors. So, this is The Last of Us." said Applejack as she approached me from behind. "Yep. Have a seat, we'll be waiting for someone else." I said, preparing a new game. "You rang." said Celestia. "Jesus!" I yelled as I jumped of my couch in surprise. Both Applejack and Celestia laughed as I picked myself up. "Ha ha ha, alright let's just get this over with." I selected normal and began a new game. This is a Transcript of the comments made by those present AJ: What are those on screen? Me: Fungal spores. AJ: What? Me: You'll see. A happy reunion later Celestia: This is rather charming. AJ: Looks like real life too. A Gas Leak Explosion Later AJ and Celestia: What's going on? Me: The apocalypse. A Jumpscare and dead zombie later AJ: Dear Celestia, what happened to him?! Celestia: I don't know Lots of Driving and Running Later AJ: Run faster, Ben! They're right behind you! A Dead Sarah Later AJ and Celestia: Where are the tissue? Me: I have a box specifically for this scene "Wow, sorry but I got to go." said Celestia as she popped away. I was about to say something to Applejack when my stomach grumbled. "Fuckin A I'm hungry. Wanna get something to eat?" "Sure sugarcube, I'd love to. Where do ya want ta go?" Applejack said. "I got here 2 days ago, I don't know dick about places to eat." I retorted. "Let's go to Sugarcube Corner." I agreed and we walked to a giant gingerbread house. "Kinda eerie, no one in the streets." I said, pointing out that no one was in the streets. "Yeah, weird." Applejack said, lying terribly. "Alright I've seen Pinocchio lie better, you're in on this. What's going on?" "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh." She stuttered. "And ze truth comes forward." I said, smiling smugly. "Well you see....." her beautiful emerald eyes darted left to- wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? Did I really just- why am I?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE DOING TO ME!? BEN'S MIND, EMERGENCY MEETING! CODE RED, CODE FUCKING RED! Applejack noticed that Ben.exe had stopped working and asked "Uh, sugarcube. You alright?" However I was having an inner debate. "SHE* is a pony and WE are a human! There are not enough levels of fucked up to describe that is!"* "You see any other people here. Pony ass will have to substitute for people ass." All my other mental facilities yelled "SHUT THE FUCK UP SEXUAL DESIRE!" To which Sexual Desire responded. "THIS IS THE REPUBLIC OF BEN KERR'S MIND, BITCHES! FREEDOM OF THOUGHT FOR THE WIN!" I was shuck from the mental Roman style Senate room by a punch to my face. "Oh, fuckin A that hurt! Why did you do that?!" "Ya stopped moving and ya didn't do anything when I tried it. Sorry but it was all that was left in mah bag of tricks." Applejack said. "It's alright, I get it. Back to the matter at hand or hoof, what's goin on?" I reassured her and put her on the spot. "I can't say, but it involves the 3 Ps." said Applejack. "What are 'the 3 Ps'?" I asked as we approached the door to the gingerbread house. Applejack chuckled and said "You'll find out soon enough." My mind raced with possibilities as my hand gripped the door knob. Then I was blown back by probably a thousand ponies yelling "SURPRISE!!!!" "Uh, I thought that explosions leveled small cottages when detonated." I choked out. "And didn't yell 'surprise'." I added. "WEREYASURPRISED?! WEREYAHUH!?" said the iconic voice of Pinkie Pie. "Yes I was surprised when all of Ponyville yelled 'Surprise!'. However, I also almost shit myself and my ears are ringing." She apologized and lead me inside, where the ponies were deeply surprised that the '2 legged monster' was celebrating a birthday. "Hey this is a party! A birthday party no less! I threw this so Ben could make friends, not so everypony could be cower in fear! Now,Ben, I want you to take the floor and tell everypony about yourself!" shouted Pinkie, shoving me into the middle of the room. "Well, I'm Ben Kerr. I'm a human being, from New York City, in the United States of America, on the planet Earth, in the Solar System, don't know why we haven't named it, in the Milky Way Galaxy. I grew up in rural Pennsylvania in the United States of America. I guess none of those names mean anything to, huh. That's what I thought. I guess that's all I have to say." Party went well, I think. Don't really remember much, because I found out what the 3 Ps are. Pinkie, Parties, and Punch. And apparently, the punch had alcohol in it because I blacked out after a few drinks. Call me a lightweight, but I was the guy who didn't drink so I could tell my friends what they did and drive them home.
Chapter 3; AftermathI awoke to a massive headache. "Uh, if I never see cake again it'll be to soon." I muttered. I looked up and noticed that I was on my couch in my apartment.... and Applejack was nearby. I look for a few minutes I need a shower. Questions can come later and when she wakes up. Walking to the bathroom, I grabbed some fresh clothes and put them in the bathroom before turning on the shower. I enjoy singing when I shower and on this fine morning, I decided to go with Do You Hear The Critics Sing, a parody of Do You Hear The People Sing. Meanwhile, I thought about what happened after I got drunk, why Applejack was nearby on my couch, what had we done... what my true thoughts about her were. After my shower was done, I put on the new clothes and waked to the living room. I put on my headset and put in Red Dead Redemption. I didn't want to disturb AJ so I turned down the volume. On my third save, I was on the last mission. I entered, watched the cutscene, killed first wave, ran to the house, watched the cutscene and played until I got to the barn. Cutscene played, I shed a man tear at the good-byes, walked outside and marked targets, shot them and was immediately shot down. I changed to Jack's perspective and rode back to the farm, and shed another tear at their mourning. "Would you do that?' asked Applejack, startling me. "Oh, sorry I woke you. What?" I said, apologizing. "No worries, your singin woke me up. I mean, would you do that; sacrifice yourself so your family could escape." she elaborated. I went into pondering mode, and after a few minutes I said "If it came down to it, and I saw no other way out, I probably would. Yeah, I definitely would; take the bullet, throw myself on the grenade, take the beating, draw the attention of the bad guy." "That really shows a ponies character." she said, crawling over to me and surprisingly kissing me on the cheek. "Alright, what happened last night? I kinda blacked out after a few drinks." I said, startled. "Well, not what you're thinkin. We had some drinks together, talked, eventually we came here and passed out on the couch." she elaborated, eyes half mast. "Then what the hell was that?!" I said. I get no answer as she snores loudly. "Damn it." I mutter, saving the game, and noticing that it was still pretty early. My eyes were closing when a sound came from my bedroom. "The hell was that?" I muttered as I stretched and got up. On my dresser was a note next to the candlestick. It read Dear Mr. Kerr, I must inform you that news of your arrival is spreading quickly and, to nip any rumors in the bud, I must ask you to make a presentation to be presented by you on the news. Celestia "Great." I moaned sitting down in my computer chair and opening Powerpoint. "No Wikipedia and I've got to remember a majority of the events in human history, biology, psychology, and science. Fuck my life." So I didn't go completely insane, I started playing music on my phone. A Few Hours Later "Unfortunately, my species's history is bathed in human blood, from our time as nomads to our modern time now. My world is one of 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend', 'damned if you do, damed if you don'ts', 'Homo homini lupus' and 'history is written to the victor'. However, it is also a world of 'I Have a Dream', 'homo sanctus est homini'.... huh, this really tells me something about my species." I spoke as I typed and would have continued typing my speech when there was a tap at my door. I turned and saw Applejack. "Hey, AJ." "What ya doin there sugahcube?" she asked, walking towards my desk. "Here." I handed her the letter from Celestia. "I also have some questions about last night. What the bloody hell happened?" "We had some drinks and came here. Talked a bit and feel asleep." "Alright," I turned back to my computer and saved my work before opening Movie Maker, "what did we talk about?" "What your life was like before you came here, past love life, things like that. Don't really remember much though." she responded. "Dido, I blacked out before we even left." "Alright well I've gotta go. You've gotta nice voice by the way." she said, turning to walk away. "Thanks.... lots of practice I guess." She nodded and left while I turned back to my work. I tried to search my mind for more sayings that reflect positively on humanity, but I couldn't for 2 reasons. 1; Not that many that are as memorable, and 2; I could only think about Applejack. "Damn it..." I muttered, realizing that I wasn't getting anymore work done for awhile. To help me unwind, I put started playing 'soothing' music; and by 'soothing' I mean fast paced, energetic and intense. I was resting my eyes while listening to 'Dogfight' from the Ace Combat; Assault Horizon soundtrack when there was a knock on my door. "Who is it?" I said. "It's Lyra." responded the voice from behind the door. "Come in." I said. I heard the door open and was nearly immediately thrown against the wall by magic. Expecting to see a burly leg-breaker, I was surprised to see Lyra. "Lyra, just a teeny, tiny, itti-bitti, little question; WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" "I saw how you look at her, talk to her. I can't let her have you." she placed unusual emphasis on 'Her'. "Oi, bitch, Stockholm Syndrome ain't gonna work on me." I responded, looking for a way to distract her, a weapon, or a way to call for help. "I don't know what that is, but you and I are gonna have enough time to talk." she then hit me over the head with a lamp and I was knocked out. I awoke strapped down to a table in a dark room. I struggled to look around and what I saw shocked me. Rifles, helmets, and distinctly human items were strung across the room. "Alright, fuckin hell. Looks like I've got to find my inner Macgyver." I struggled against the restraints and found that they were rusty, they would break easily. If the guns were loaded, I would have an easy time escaping. Hours passed, probably even days. I slept little and began to feel the affects of dehydration. Before I had enough time to break the bonds, the door opened and Lyra walked in. "Hello there, Ben. Sorry, I took so long. I hope you're comfortable. Now, what is 'Stockholm Syndrome'." "Before that, could you get me a glass of water. I beginning to fell the affects of dehydration." She complied and after I finished, I began to explain "Well you see, it is a psychological condition that causes a hostage to develop positive feeling for their captors and even going so far as to defend their actions." I tired to stealthily loosen the bonds and I was confident enough by sentence end to use a surge of strength to break it. "It usually develops after I KNOCK A BITCH OUT!" The bonds shattered and my fist connected with Lyra's face, sending her flying into the back wall. I undid my leg bonds and tied up Lyra with nearby rope. "Let's see here, uh, an M1 Garand, M1911, both in excellent condition, a revolver, looks to be .375 magnum and single action, a Winchester repeater, and a double-barrel shotgun, all of which appear to have minor damage...." I muttered before noticing something. "Holy shit is this a hidden blade." the gauntlet I found had the Assassin insignia and I could see the tip of the blade. Either a the real thing or a good replica, I thought as I noticed more unusual items. A Pip-Boy 3000, a watch with Russian letters inscribed on it, a Task Force 141 patch, a Solid Eye, what appears to be Agent 47's garrote wire as well as many other things from fictional works. A plasma cutter, a M-8 Avenger, a M314 Motion Tracker and M41A Pulse Rifle, an iron helmet with horns on jutting out from the sides, and stockpiles of ammo that could give North Korea a run for its money. It could take years to list all the things in here and longer to take it all out. “Where the hell did she get all this?” I asked myself quietly. I reached down a picked up the motion tracker and turned it on. Expecting to only get a blank screen, I was surprised when it started pulsing. Even more surprising was it detected motion. Grabbing for the nearest weapon, I came up with the Pulse Rifle. The ammo counter glowed a pale red with the number ’99’. I set down the motion tracker and looked for what moved. I noticed that Lyra was gone and grabbed the motion tracker again. “You gotta be fucking kidding me! I kinda wish a xenomorph was after me.” I realized I didn’t want to kill her and sat the rifle down. I searched for something that wouldn’t kill her and came up with a tranquilizer pistol, that was nearby the Solid Eye. I remembered that this wasn’t non-lethal, just less lethal and hoped that I wouldn’t overdose her. I decided that I would need a flashlight and looked over the table. “I’m gonna look like a jackass, but I’m gonna be a functioning jackass.” Approximately an hour later, I emerged from the room wearing random gear from the room with the Motion Tracker and Tranq Gun in my hands. On my left arm a Pip-Boy, on my right a Hidden Blade and on my back was the Pulse Rifle. A red bandana from Rambo was tied around my head and a mining helmet, with a flashlight, topped it. “Let’s do this.” I said before walking away.
Chapter 4; Hide and SeekYou know, the sound of a Motion Tracker is really disquieting when for a few minutes it is the standard ‘No Motion’ sound and it suddenly gets motion. Even more disquieting is when it always is just a few bits before stopping. Even more is when you can swear you hear whispering under the pulsing. I was surrounded by shelves with things I couldn't even name. A few times I had to stop myself from fanboying over the discovery of a Smart-gun or lightsaber. “Hey Lyra, what are you even trying to gain? Kidnapping me, stalking me in the dark like a murderer.” “I can’t let her have you. You know that Ben. Would you kindly stop running from my love?” responded Lyra, but I couldn’t tell if she was close or far away due to the echo. After a few moments silence, I responded “You’re middle name wouldn’t happen to be Atlas would it?” "No, why?" "No reason. Just reminded me of something." My train of thought was derailed by a nuke when Lyra jumped me from behind. I shook her off, but dropped the things in my hands. I quickly grabbed at one of the nearby shelves and came up with.... a teletubby doll. Lyra prepared to pounce a few feet away and I held up the doll in a defensive position. "Stay back, I've got a!..... teletubby." I dropped it and grabbed for the rifle on my back. "And a Pulse Rifle." She stopped, recognizing that I held it like a weapon. "Now, what in the name of all that is fucking holy do you think you are doing?" "What am I doing?! I am trying to win your love! Then I can study human mating patterns!" "You can study 'mating patterns' when you take it from my cold, dead hands!" "That doesn't even make sense!" "Neither does your plan! Now kindly point me in the direction of the exit so I can get the HELL out of here!" "Why would I do that?" "Other than extreme moral issues with your plan, it also isn't a very go study." "What do you mean?" she asked. "It isn't scientific. A real study would have it happen naturally, not force it." I elaborated. "Oh, so will you go out with me?" she asked. "Let's see; you've tackled me, kidnapped and assaulted me, made it clear you intend to force yourself upon me, and stalked me in the dark. Your chances are equal to that having hell freezing over." "Is that good?" Lyra asked with a hopeful smile. "No." She began crying and any attempt to get a response were unsuccessful. I picked up the motion tracker and after a few minutes of wandering, I found a sign that read Exit -> "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" I followed the sign and came across an exit. Of course, it was locked. Lucky for me, I had an under-barrel grenade launcher. Crouching behind cover, I took aim and pumped it. A buom sounded as I pulled the trigger. The shock wave knocked me over and thin rays of sunlight shown through the new opening. I pumped the launcher again and walked towards my newfound freedom. Up the stairs I walked and looked at the scene I had caused. I found myself somewhere in Sweet Apple Acres. At least is where I thought I was because of all the apple trees. My motion tracker started going crazy as something got closer. Just in case it was something deadly, I lowered the pulse rifle to my shoulder. I heard a dog barking and someone feminine talking. "HEY! OVER HERE! HELP!" I shouted. I waited and the blips came closer. A collie ran through the underbrush and soon followed by Applejack, who promptly tackled me. Not in a, 'STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!' way but in the way a child would latch onto a parent who returned from war. Even more surprising was when she kissed me full on the lips. It wasn't an accident either, because she looked at me with pure glee before doing it. After a few seconds, we both needed oxygen and broke the kiss. After a few gasps, I said "I guess that's how you feel about me, eh?" She started to get up and muttered "Ah'm sorry sugarcube. I just... coul-MPH!" I surprised her by pulling her in for another kiss. We broke again and she said "Ah guess that's how ya feel about me?" "Yeah... this mean we're an item now." We both nodded and got up before walking to the farmhouse. "So, how long have I been missing?" I said, biting into an apple fritter. Applejack and I sat at a picnic table near the house. "Three days. Ah got worried after ya didn't show up after the first few days. Big Mac went to your house, found the door wide open and you nowhere in sight. We reported it to the Guard and they searched high and low for you." "Yeah... we should probably get Lyra into custody before she does something, uh, drastic. She went bat shit insane and kidnapped me when she thought we were together. She'll probably go shitting bats insane when she finds out we are actually together." I picked up the pulse rifle and motion tracker and motioned for AJ to follow me. Arriving at the 'Vault' as I call it, we made idle conversation as we searched for Lyra. "I think we should keep this place on the down low." I suggested. "Why?" "If we do, we've got an arsenal to put North Korea to shame and the ammo to keep everything firing. Besides, when preparing for the apocalypse you always think you have enough until the zombies come. Also, I'm probably the only one in this world that can use them practically." "What do ya mean?" "Hands and fingers. I don't think that hooves can fit into a trigger guard. This is probably ever nerds dream; a underground bunker that no one knows about full of items from various franchises." "I suppose. But promise me this; You only use this stuff in worst-case scenarios. Promise?" Applejack asked, giving me the cutest 'Pwease?' face I've ever seen. "Of course. I'm not a psychopath." I responded. She motioned for me to bend down. When I did, she kissed me on the forehead. "Who would've thought that me being kidnapped would bring us together?" We pressed our foreheads against each other and gave a satisfied sigh "We should probably not do this in here. Lyra will probably flip her shit and do something extremely drastic." We continued onward and we both heard sobbing. "Alright, go get some guards. I'm gonna try and talk some sense into her. Now before you try and talk me out of it, I'll be fine. I think she trusts me. Besides, I've got a pulse rifle." Applejack nodded and turned to leave. I took a deep breath and continued into the next room. "Lyra, are you okay?" Then I was pounced. "Oh my Celestia, Ben! I was soooooooooo worried about you! No we can be together for ever." "No, we aren't!" "Wait, what are you saying Ben?" gasped Lyra. I, exasperated, facepalmed and growled "I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! IF THERE WAS A LIKABILITY SCALE BETWEEN 1 AND 10, YOU'D BE NEGATIVE PI! YOU'VE BEEN OUTLAWED IN 28 STATES, JUST SO PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! IF A COLOGNE WERE TO BE NAMED AFTER YOU IT'D BE CALLED 'ESSENCE OF ANNOYANCE'! IF CANCER GOT CANCER, YOU'D BE THE ONE THEY'D NAME IT AFTER! KNOCK, KNOCK!" I screamed. "Who's there?" responded Lyra, the message I was trying to get across smacking her face. "NODODY! BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD EVER WANT TO SEE YOU! WHEN PEOPLE ASK MONKS WHAT THE MEANING OF LIFE IS, THEY SAY 'STAY AWAY FROM YOUR DUMB ASS! YOU'RE BEETHOVEN'S LOST SYMPHONY 'DEATH TO JOY'! Would every unicorn with green fur, a Lyre cutie mark, and a likable personality please raise your hoof?" Lyra slowly raised her hoof, only to be met with my yelling, which was noticeably rougher. "YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO EVEN GET THAT JOKE! ON THE EVOLUTIONARY SCALE, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE GOING BACKWARDS! YOU'RE THE SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING ON EVERY PACK OF CIGARETTES! GIVE ME AN 'I', GIVE ME A 'H', GIVE ME AN 'A-T-E YOU'! I HATE YOU!!!" I snapped out of my daze and wondered what to say. "Actually, Lyra, no we aren't. You can not make me love you. I'm sorry but it's not gonna happen. But I'll offer you a deal; I'll sing a little song, explain what all this stuff is and drop all charges, you never try to make me love you again, we never speak of this place or what happened here." She sighed, "Alright, fine. Deal. What's this song?" "Well...... I fucking love science! Can you even imagine(way back in the past) when we thought that storms were caused by petty gods fighting on top of the mountain. And yeah, I like a good story but eventually it's gonna bore me if it doesn't have that truth; That incontrovertible, testable, repeatable proof I Fuckin' love Science I Fuckin' Love Charles Darwin Cause I don't think it's bold to question what you're told If you're told that the world's a thousand years old. There's nothing here to argue against, It's a process not an ideology, And I fucking love science. Sometimes people ask me, Of all of the centuries, Which I'd pick to live life in. We'll, that's pretty easy... Right now. If you think objectively. If you like hot running water, And memory foam beds, And TV shows and cell phones, And not being dead You fuckin' love science, And I fuckin' love Carl Sagan 'Cause I think it's fly to look up at the sky And never ever ever stop wondering why There's nothing here to argue against It's a process not an ideology, And I fucking love science. Wooly mammoth embryos Vaccines for smallpox and polio Your TV set, the internet Your PS4, supersonic jets. Exoplanets galaxies, DNA, germ theory, relativity, Just take a sec to think about it How screwed we would be without it. I Fuckin' love Science And I love Rosalind Franklin, 'Cause I want to die remembering why The truth is more important than winning a prize. There's nothing here to argue against. It's a process not an ideology, And I fucking love science. "There, that's your fucking song. All this stuff, is a result of science. Enhancements in medicine, everything; comes from science. Hopefully that's enough of an explanation, because explaining every object would take years. Now, let's get out of here."
Chapter 5; SpeechLyra and I managed to get out before the guards arrived and I explained that I was dropping charges. They were confused at first, but I explained (made shit up) what happened and why. Four days later at 8a.m, Applejack and I sat at the Ponyville Train Station waiting for our train. I packed a suit that Rarity made, a few books, a change of clothes, my laptop, things I'd need for my speech, Corvo's sword, and a Pip-Boy 3000. To entertain us, I read aloud from What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions. I was explaining how an AK-47 creates enough thrust to push itself and a squirrel into the air when the train came into the station. I picked up my stuff and we got on. On the way, I checked my SPECIAL and Skills on the Pip-Boy. Strength; 7 Perception; 6 Endurance; 4 Charisma; 8 Intelligence; 10 Agility; 5 Luck; 15 "Ah'll never understand your fascination with those gadgets." Applejack mumbled. "Eh, you get used to them when you have them all your life. Besides, they're entertaining." I got out my laptop and loaded the complete video of 'That Guy Riffs' from That Guy with the Glasses, in an effort to hopefully get AJ into something I like. She didn't laugh at the first few minutes but I got a giggle out of her at 'That's not the only thing he'll be thumbing. Hahaha, if you got that then you're GAY!' and her laughter increased from their. After an uneventful, day long journey full of Nostalgia Critic reviews, we arrived at Canterlot and were escorted to a hotel by guards. While waiting for our room, I sat down at a rather plush chair beside AJ and began reading Flags of Our Fathers. You would find similar books on my bookshelf at home, books about history or science, some fantasy here or there. "Good evening, sir." said a stallion that I hadn't seen with my eyes on the book. I looked up and saw a stallion in an old time suit and monocle. "Evening." I said in response before going back to reading. "Might I know your name?" he said, getting the message that I wasn't in the mood for talking. "Ben Kerr. And you are?" I asked, trying to gather some semblance of interest. "Fancypants. What is it that you are reading?" he asked, glad to have someone to talk to. "Flags of Our Fathers. It's about the lives of the flag-raisers at the Battle of Iwo Jima. It's probably one of famous picture in human history. You have no idea what those words mean do you?" he shook his head " 'course not. Good to see all my time researching is going to waste in a world without my history." "Perhaps not. I believe I may be able to piece together what's happening." I handed him the book, letting him levitate it to his face. After a few moments, his face went whiter than his coat already was. "Seems like an interesting read. Do you have any more books like this?" I scoffed and said "Pah, I got books, movies, documentaries, video games, the whole sha-bang." "I believe I may have an offer for you. I own a swiftly growing entertainment company and, if I see more of your work, I may consider hiring you as a content creator. What do you say, good sir?" "Sure, just give me time to put together a portfolio." I assured. "I shall check my schedule, and reserve two days for you. Here is my card." he levitated me a card and I pocketed it. A bell-boy motioned to AJ and I and we followed him to our room. Next Day 9:28 am Celestia went about introducing me, while AppleJack and I were backstage. I had my suit and laptop. If I shaved my head and had leather gloves, I could pass for Agent 47. I, understandably, was freaking out while Applejack tried to calm me down. "Look at me, sugarcube. Just look at me, and nopony else." She leaned forward and kissed me. We held for a few seconds and when we separated, she stated "Yur gonna do fine." "And now, my loyal subjects, I present to you the only human in Equestria, Benjamin Donald Kerr." Celestia's words echoed from the stage and I began walking forward. We met as she went backstage, and I shook her hoof before continuing to the podium. I laughed and said "Wow are you guys short." as a sort of ice breaker. Then I got down to business. I connected the laptop to a projector that I had left over from college. I opened the laptop and loaded the file before turning on the projector. It wired to life and began showing my screen against a white sheet. "Hello, I'm Ben Kerr, your friendly neighborhood human. Let's begin with basics shall we; I'm a human, scientific name Homo Sapien translated from Latin, it means 'Wise Man'. We are the only sapient life form on the planet Earth which, as far as we know, is the only planet that can sustain life. I don't know this is a different universe, same planet or the same universe, different planet. We can't fly without a machine," a supersonic jet swooped by on screen, " and we can't use magic. Now, some of you may be wondering 'How can you even do simple things?!'. The answer to that question, my friends, is science. Before we continue, imagine, will you? You are part of a crew entering human space, this is what you would likely see" Youtube Video Science has allowed us to break the sound barrier, multiple times, within the confines of a piece of metal curved just so that it creates lift. Science has lead to so many brilliant inventions that I can't imagine my life without science. The thing I'm showing this presentation on is a product of science. I mean, for Christ's sake, we landed on the Moon, the freaking Moon, in the Sixties!" There was a shocked gasp as Neil Armstrong's famous words echoed of the walls 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for man kind.' "However, science has also allowed us to create machine guns," a picture of WW1 soldiers in gas masks on a Maxim gun, "and a bomb that can, frankly, level a city." Thinking that real nuclear test footage would be too brutal, I instead substituted Civilization nukes. "But, if we are being frank, my world is a mixed bag. For every Moon Landing, there is a Manhattan Project but even then, that brought tons of scientific advancements. For every Martin Luther King Junior or Mahatma Ghandi, there is an Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin. For every Cenk Uygur or Jon Stewart, there is a Rush Limbaugh or the entirety of FOX News, except Shepard Smith. There are a lot of things that nobody can fix; in billions of years our sun will turn into a Red Dwarf and consume our planet, nothing can stop that. We will die, our cells can only divide so many times. But there is also things we can fix; corruption, global warming, republican politicians." The speech continued like that until I reached the end. "Now, after all that depressing information, let's end on a happy note. I did not make this but... it makes me smile every time." Youtube Video "Also a quote by Robert A. Heinlein, 'I believe in my whole race. Yellow, white, black, red, brown --in the honesty, courage, intelligence, durability....and goodness.....of the overwhelming majority of my brothers and sisters everywhere on this planet. I am proud to be a human being. I believe that we have come this far by the skin of our teeth, that we always make it just by the skin of our teeth --but that we will always make it.... survive.... endure. I believe that this hairless embryo with the aching, oversize brain case and the opposable thumb, this animal barely up from the apes, will endure --will endure longer than his home planet, will spread out to the other planets, to the stars, and beyond, carrying with him his honesty, his insatiable curiosity, his unlimited courage --and his noble essential decency. This I believe with all my heart.' Thank you." I walked off stage. Celestia smiled at me, "I believe that went well." I see my 15 Luck serves me well.
