Ship All The Ponies

by TundraStanza

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other
Length: 1150

Every pony that can fit gets shipped together. Prepare to board the Equestrian Fedex Express. It's a freight train episode.

The ponies are about to find out that shipping isn't all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it is very uncomfortable to be so close together.
---
Rated "Teen" for dry humor that would go right over a child's head.
One-shot.
(This is one of the places where my catchphrase "I make mistakes so you don't have to" can be applied.)

Published 2014-08-11 04:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-11 04:00:03 UTC

Sink or Sail?

The air was warm. The place was stuffy. Sweat leaked from her pores. She was having a really difficult time breathing. Worst of all, it was dark and she couldn't even concentrate on a basic illumination spell due to the atmosphere frying her brain.

Twilight Sparkle groaned. "How in the world did it come to this?"

A crate on a delivery truck was not an ideal location for a pony to be in. Yet, here they were, all tightly packed.

"I don't know," Applejack replied. "But I don't like it."

"Neither do I," added Rarity.

"Seriously," grumbled Rainbow Dash, "who the hay thought that this was a good idea?"

"Um, I just followed in at Pinkie's insistence," pointed out Fluttershy.

"They made it sound like so much fun, too," Pinkie Pie sighed dejectedly.

"They?" echoed Twilight. "They who?"

"See anything yet?" Scootaloo asked.

Apple Bloom tried to shake her head unsuccessfully. "I can't even see my own tail when we're all tangled up like this."

"Hey!" piped in Sweetie Belle, "What if we try forcing the box open with loud, shaking noises?"

Apple Bloom put on a twisted frown. "I don't think that's how sound works."

Sweetie Belle either didn't hear or didn't care as she let out an ear-splitting, high note. The other two fillies only wished they could cover their ears. But they couldn't with their hooves in such awkward positions.

"I fail to see how this is accomplishing anything!" Luna yelled over the fracas.

"Heard that!" replied Celestia as loudly as she could muster.

"What?!" hollered Carrot Cake.

"What's that, dear?!" shouted Cup Cake.

"Oh! I thought you said something!"

"No! I think it's coming from the next crate over!"

Indeed, the high-pitched screeching pierced even the insulated cardboard. Unfortunately, the sound was so painful that Pound and Pumpkin Cake just had to compete against it with their own cries. Their parents tried drooping their ears, but the effort was in vain.

"This is dreadful!" shouted Daisy.

"Awful!" agreed Lily.

"Terrible!" added Rose.

"Would you mind keeping it down?" asked Teenage Pony #1, "You're breaking my personal ears."

"Seriously," agreed Teenage Pony #2, "Do you need your tears that badly? Get a life."

Both of them laughed at their non-existent jokes. The other ponies in the crate sans the Cake twins rolled their eyes.

Meanwhile in the next crate over, a well-kept pony was trying ever so hard to place her hooves over her ears. However, the other legs in the same crate were preventing that.

"Ergh," Octavia groaned, "What a terrible cacophony."

"I don't know," said Vinyl Scratch with a smirk, "I could probably mix that into a fresh beat."

Trixie harrumphed. "Dubstep isn't even real music."

Vinyl gasped in horror. "You take that back right now!"

"Hey! Let that Trixie alone!" shouted Snails.

"Psst. That's 'Leave the Great and Powerful Trixie alone'," whispered Snips.

"Isn't that what I just said?" Snails attempted to scratch his head, but the number of limbs that weren't his were too cramped and in the way to allow him to do so.

"How the hay did I get squashed in here with you schmucks?" wondered Babs Seed out loud.

Derpy opened her mouth to say something, but Babs managed to muffle her words via tail maneuver.

"Not you, ma'am," Babs said, "You're cool."

Derpy gasped in delight.

"Shiny?" asked Cadance.

"Yes, honey?" responded Shining Armor.

"Do you remember what I said about getting closer?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you think I meant being freighted like this inside of a dark box?"

"No, I did not."

"Just thought I'd ask."

"Just thought I'd answer."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Cadey dear."

"Ugh!" Silver Spoon nearly spat in spite of her cramped position. "Get a room, you two. Some of us are trying to keep our stomachs inside of our bellies."

"Yeah," added Diamond Tiara, "My daddy's going to sue for medical coverage if I get sick."

"Uh, no I'm not," interjected Filthy Rich.

"Hush, Daddy," shushed Diamond, "The big ponies are talking."

Rich sighed. "Yes, Diamond."

"I can't... feel... my legs," said Flash Sentry, struggling to breathe.

"Nor can I, sir," added Randolph (Diamond Tiara's butler).

Maud Pie deadpanned and said monotonously, "Oh, walk it off, you Gary Stus."

"Can't... walk... either," retorted Flash.

"Touché," conceded Maud.

Bloomberg, Tom, and Kitchen Sink rattled together in relative silence.

"Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!" chanted Too Young.

"I just want to find my bed," grumbled Too Old.

"Aachoo!" sneezed Terrible Cold.

"There's nothing to sneeze at," said Too Silly before chuckling up a storm.

"I say." Way Too Uptight rolled his eyes.

"Hold me, honey," whimpered Caramel.

"I would if I could, sweetheart," whimpered his girlfriend.

Too Flashy didn't say a word even though So Splashy was somehow getting his favorite shirt all wet. Too Short was trying to squeeze out from between Too Tall's legs with minimal success. Too Clean suffered in silence while his muzzle was rammed against Too Smelly's axilla.

The last pony kept rapping about "The Jelly Peanut Butter Lime", or something along those lines.

Upper Crust harrumphed. Jet Set harrumphed. All reincarnations of Doctor Hooves presently in this crate tried to force their way out via their respective Sonic Screwdrivers. However, the crate's material was non-conducive to their efforts.

"I for one am having a pleasant day," commented Fancy Pants, "Aren't you?"

"Eh heh," chuckled Fleur nervously, "Indeed."

"Do you think this crate is too small for both of us?" inquired Cheerilee.

"Eeyup," answered Big Macintosh.

"Do you have any idea how those two other ponies somehow got into this same box?"

"Nope."

Meanwhile, Screw Loose and Screwball were having a rip-ruffing, good time.

Discord pulled on the train whistle for the moleth (six-point-zero-two-times-ten-to-the-twenty-third) time.

"Why exactly did you need me to conduct this train?" wondered Spike.

"Because I needed someone who wasn't a pony to drive," answered Discord like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And since you're not a pony..."

"Did I ever tell you that you're annoying?" asked Spike.

"No, but I'm flattered," said Discord with a chuckle before turning to the other engine room's occupant. "Keep shoveling, Greta!"

"That's Gilda!" shouted the gryphon in question.

"Yes, yes, Girda. Whatever you say," Discord said before returning to his repetitive whistle blowing.

Gilda went back to grumbling under her breath while shoveling coal. Unbeknownst to any of them, Boulder silently screamed in agony as he was tossed into the furnace with the other black rocks.

Author's Note

:facehoof:
What is wrong with me?
...
The reason I didn't include (insert pony you noticed missing here) was because I felt that the joke was dragging for too long by that point.
It's nothing personal that I have against any of the ponies.