Chaos Hold'em Poker
By Naughty_Ranko
Discord was shuffling the deck of cards with a slight hint of irritation. It was only the thirteenth time, but there was nothing else to do.
“You're gonna wear out the deck,” Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, better known as Caligula, said, sitting to his left at the poker table and sipping his spiced wine.
“They're late,” the draconequuus grumbled.
“They're always late. We could start without them.”
“Poker no fun with just three people,” Genghis Khan, sitting on Discord's right, said in his broken accent.
“We could play Skat while we wait,” Caligula suggested.
“Then I'd have to rearrange the deck, Cali,” Discord moaned. “Besides, Johann would just get pissed off for not getting to play that instead of poker later.”
“So what have you been up to, Tenji?” Gaius asked, probably more to break the silence than out of genuine interest. Tenji was his nickname for Genghis Khan, whose real name was Tenmujin.
“Ah, I become father last week. It's a boy,” the Mongol declared proudly.
“Well, congratulations,” Gaius raised his cup. “To his good health! You and Börte must be so proud.”
“Oh, no. Not Börte. One of my other wives. I already have four sons by her. Would confuse succession even more.”
“Hm, that's the difference between you and me. Some people have too many heirs, some have too few. I'm gonna be succeeded by my uncle at this rate.”
There was a knock at the door and a yellow pegasus mare stuck her head through the frame. “Is there anything else I can get you?” she asked in a sweet voice. “Snacks?”
“No, Fluttershy,” Discord said, sitting up straight and his voice going soft. “Please don't mind us. It's already so kind of you to let us use your house for our game. We were supposed to meet at Tenmujin's this week.”
The Khan bowed to Fluttershy. “Save us, you did. Forgot planned raid. Suddenly home not there. Tents gone. Must go and find them tomorrow.”
“Anyway, please don't trouble yourself any further on our account.”
“Alright,” the mare said with a bright smile. “I'll just stay out of your way. You boys have fun.”
Caligula glanced over at Discord with a sly grin. “So about you and that Fluttershy, Dissy. Any progress?”
Discord sighed. “I don't know. We're still friends, I suppose, but things have been so awkward after the Tirek incident. I might have screwed up for good.”
He then looked back over at the great Khan. “Say, Tenji. You've got a bijillion wives. Don't you have any tips for Dissy?”
Tenmujin crossed his arms. “Tradition. But my heart only belong to Börte. Shining star of my life, she is. Marriage arranged, when young,” he said while nodding. “But fight for her, I did. Prove my love before wedding.”
“How'd you do that?” Discord seemed genuinely interested. Maybe he could find a way to do something similar for Fluttershy.
“Well, bridesmaids bring me sheep. I break sheep's neck with bare hands in front of her … “
“Let me stop you right there, Tenji,” Discord interjected, holding up his lion's paw. “There's nothing worse, I can think of, to do to Fluttershy than hurting an animal. She'd be crying for a week straight.”
That made the Khan frown. “She get abducted a lot?” he finally asked, stroking his beard. “I once raided entire enemy camp, with three people only, to rescue Börte.”
“Duuuuude! That's so romantic,” one of the two men stumbling into the room babbled loudly. “Mind if I use that in my next book? Got this crazy idea about a dude who makes a deal with the devil. And then he travels back in time to look for this hottie in Troy. Totally ripping off that Homer dude. But he's not here to complain.”
“Finally,” Discord grumbled at the duo. “Did you take a wrong turn at the agora or something, Socrates?”
“Hey, I was on time,” the Greek Philosopher defended himself gruffly and then poured his companion into the chair next to Caligula. He straightened out and pushed his hands against his back. “I'm getting too old for this shit. In case you couldn't tell, Johann here is high as a kite again. Had to drag his sorry ass all the way here.”
Caligula looked with disdain towards Johann Wolfgang von Goethe and held his nose. “What's that revolting smell? Have you been sniffing rotten apples again?”
“Ya, man. That's the good stuff. Always keep some in my desk and my pockets.” Johann gave him a cross-eyed look. “Dude, you've got a red ribbon around your neck or something.”
Discord sighed and started handing out the cards. “The worst thing about playing poker with drugged people, they have no tells. Or they're all tells, but they don't relate to their cards.”
“Hey, Dissy, I'm helping myself to some of your girlfriend's booze,” Socrates said, raiding Fluttershy's nearby liquor cabinet, pouring himself a drink, and finally sitting down between Johann and Genghis.
“You're gonna drink yourself to death one of these days,” Discord told him, making a mental note to snap his fingers at the end of the night to clean the room and replenish Fluttershy's stores.
“Really,” Caligula agreed. “And you're such a rude fellow, too. I always thought Greece was the pinnacle of civilization, at least until Rome came along.”
“Ah, what do you know, you pampered sack of shit? At least I fought with my army, rather than play the mascot. Right, Little Boots?”
Caligula blushed. “Don't call me that.” He hated that nickname with a passion.
“Alright, settle down,” Discord interjected. “Now that we're all here. The game is Texas Hold'em, small blind is ten bits, big blind twenty. Blinds double after every round.”
As the game got underway, Socrates couldn't help but comment on the earlier discussion that was interrupted by his and Johann's arrival. “So you got women trouble, huh, Dissy?”
Discord felt like he was gonna regret asking, but getting some more opinions probably couldn't hurt. “What's your advice, then?”
He shrugged, folding his hand. “If she doesn't at least put out soon, kick the bitch to the curbstone. Women are nothing but trouble. Why do you think I'm never at home with that wife of mine?”
“Careful how you talk about Fluttershy,” Discord warned, taking offense to the word bitch.
Socrates scratched his cheek and took a long drink of whatever he had mixed himself. “No offense. Just saying, you should get yourself some students instead.” He laughed. “Having a posse of college guys hang on your every word is pretty nifty. I'm old enough to buy the booze for all of us, so they give me all their money and I get to keep the change. There's this one guy, who started writing every little fart that comes to my head down. At least Johann here has to sober up from time to time for spell-checking purposes. I only have to sit in the market place and talk out of my ass.”
“I'll raise twenty,” Caligula said, then looked over at Discord with compassion. “Listen, we probably can't help you all that much. Equestria is just too different a culture from ours. Tenji's suggestion made that pretty much clear. I can't even imagine what it would be like to live in a land run by ponies.”
Socrates slapped both hands on the table and laughed uproariously, almost falling out of his chair. “That's rich, coming from a guy who made his horse a consul!”
Caligula grunted. “For the last time, I did it to infuriate those pompous senators on purpose. Why doesn't anybody get that?” He flailed his arms wildly at the half-truths he'd heard so many times. “Go on, lay it on me! You're not happy, unless you let it all out, are you? Wanna comment on how I made war on Poseidon and ordered my troops to collect seashells as booty?”
Johann began to snicker. “Caligula collects seashells by the seashore.”
“Not helping, Johann,” Tenmujin grumbled.
Discord laid a talon on his friend's arm. “Calm down, Cali. We all know that you were just giving the order to break tents. It's not your fault that the Latin language fell into such decline later.”
Suddenly Johann slammed his cards on the table. “Hah! Gin Rommé!” He looked around at the rest of them. “What?”
Discord put one talon over his eyes. It was gonna be one of those evenings. “Speaking of gin. Socrates, how about you mix us some of that special stuff of yours?”
The philosopher grinned. “Five Gin Hemlock, coming up.”
* * *
Discord blinked, the first rays of the sun hitting him along with the first hints of a mighty hangover.
“Good morning, Discord.”
“Hm, g'morning, Fluttershy,” he mumbled back. He closed his eyes to get some more sleep. Then he realized that this wasn't his bed. His eyes popped open and he looked at the pink-haired mare next to him under the covers. “Fluttershy. … Did we?”
“Hm-hm.” She snuggled closer to him. It was a wonderful feeling. “We did. It was very nice, even though I had to help you a bit with the aiming process.”
He looked at her with a questioning glance.
“Don't make me spell it out for you. It's embarrassing,” she answered his unspoken question while blushing.
For the first time in, what was probably a long time, he blushed as well. “Uhm, I hate to admit it. But my memory of last night is a little fuzzy. What happened, I mean before we …?”
“Well, it was about midnight, and I was sitting in my living room, reading a book after giving Angel his late-night snack. Your friends pushed you towards me and told me that you had something to say.”
“They did?”
Fluttershy nodded. “You all seemed pretty drunk. I was so surprised, when you looked directly at me and shouted at the top of your lungs: 'Fluttershy! I love you!'”
“I did?”
She nodded, looking up at him with teary eyes. “Maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but I've been waiting for you to say it for so long.” She bit her lip. “I'm an awful mare. I took advantage and brought you up to my bedroom. Your friends were even cheering and clapping their hands while we walked up the stairs.”
Discord sighed and held her close. “No, you're not. And you didn't take advantage of me.” He lifted her chin up with one finger. “Let me say it again, so there can be no doubt this time. I love you, Fluttershy. I'm just sorry it took me so long to say it.”
“That makes me so happy, Discord.”
As the two of them leaned in to have a kiss, there was suddenly a loud crash from the general direction of the kitchen. “Sweet! So many apples! I wonder if there are any rotten ones.”
“Johann! Put the apples down, before we have disaster on our hands,” Socrates' voice could be heard in response.
“They're still here?” Discord asked.
“Well, they were afraid that you might snap them to the wrong time or place in your state last night. So I told them, they could sleep here.” Fluttershy climbed out of bed and walked toward the door. “Let's all have breakfast together.” There was a bit of a twinkle in her eye, and for a second there it seemed as if she wiggled her plot at him. “Afterwards you and I can spend some time alone and I'll fill you in on last night's details.”
Discord grinned like an idiot, even after Fluttershy had left the room to help with breakfast. So his poker buddies must have gotten him wasted on purpose, then pushed him to confess with a little liquid courage. “Friends are a wonderful thing, aren't they? I guess friendship really is magic.”
“Cali, come help,” Tenmujin could be heard through the open window. “I see sheep, right over there.”
Discord smiled, then his smile turned into an expression of horror at the implications of that. “SHEEP!” he shouted, bolting out of the room to avert catastrophe.
