Stay Together For The Kids
My home is haunted. Not by ghosts, in the traditional sense. Rather, it's haunted by the screams and the anger between my parents. It makes it hard for me to sleep at night, knowing that goes on in just the other room between them. And it's even more so to wake up in this dark and sad house, to face another day.
I don't even remember the first time they fought. But I do remember the first time I witnessed it with my own eyes. Waking up in the middle of the night to their anger hurting my ears. It was about a year ago, but I can recall it all to well. For a few minutes, I saw sides of my mom and dad that I never knew existed. Such hatred for one another, it frightened me. They stopped when they noticed I was present. After reassuring me that it was just a one time incident, they went and took me back to bed. "Never again" is what they swore, but I knew that was a lie. They still fought, but now they tried to hide it.
Of course, they couldn't keep it a secret forever. One day, my parents took both my brother and myself aside and told us that they were going to separate. The news hit us hard. Sure, I had trotted in on a fight, but it doesn't change how it impacts me. It felt like I was being cut by a thousand little thorns. I don't exactly remember how I reacted. I think I cried right then and there, I'm pretty sure I did. What I am sure of is that once I got to my room, I sobbed into my pillow until I fell asleep. It hurt.
I isolated myself for a few days after that. In fact, the only pony I talked to for a while was my older brother, Osmium. He tried to be strong for the both of us, but I knew that wasn't easy. He was hurting just as bad as me, if not worse. I asked him once, what's going to happen now that mom and dad are going to separate. He couldn't give me an answer. He admitted this to me, "I really don't know, Diamond Tiara. I wish I knew."
I don't understand why they were upset with each other. I thought moms and dads were supposed to love each other no matter what. It just doesn't make sense to me. When I ask one of them why they're separating and fighting and all of that, they just tell me it's complicated. Can't they just make it not complicated? I see them everyday and they seem to get along fine with each other, but if they are doing this so we all can be happy, then why is there just so much pain? Why does it hurt so much? Shouldn't we fix the problem instead of just ignoring it? It just doesn't make any sense.
I talked to my dad about it once before the announcement of their separation. It went along the lines of something like this:
"Dad? Um....I heard you and mom yelling again last night."
"Oh, no no. That wasn't us, it was the television," he lied to me, I realize that now. I know he wanted to not have me worry.
"Are you sure?"
"Of course, Diamond Tiara. We were just watching a movie, that's all. There's nothing to be worried about."
There was a silence for a moment before I asked again, "Are you and mom mad at each other?"
"I promise you that we are not mad at one another." he lied again to protect me.
I still didn't believe him, "Is it my fault?"
That question completely shocked my dad, "What? Diamond, my dear, why would you ever think something like that?"
I was quiet.
My dad pulled me in for a hug. A warm, loving hug that I still remember fondly. "If there is one thing that you can always know to be true is that your mother and I love you no matter what happens. And, most importantly, there is nothing you can do to make us stop loving you, Diamond Tiara. You are our precious gem."
I think about that conversation everyday, but it still doesn't change of how guilty I feel. I know my dad insists that it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel like there was something I could have done to fix all of this. I still feel at fault.
Now in the aftermath of the separation, I stay with my dad while my brother stays with my mom. Every so often I see them, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel a million miles away from them. For the most part, I stay in my room. In there, I close my eyes and make believe that I have a new life and imagine what it's like to be somepony else. Anypony else. There are days when I just wonder what life would be like if my parents stayed together and we were all still one big, happy family. It's funny what can make you smile. But it doesn't change how bad I feel. Couldn't they just stayed together, for me?
My sadness slowly becomes a kind of anger. If it's really directed at anypony, it's myself for how things turned out. I don't want to feel this way but in my own anger, I shout how I just want my life to be the same, how it used to be. And other days, I just hate everything. I still don't know how it's going to be. All I know is that this is not right.
It's not right.
END
