Fillydelphia Confidential

by corpDemon

Rating: teen
Tags: Flim and Flam, Fleur de Lis, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Alternate Universe, Other, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 16505

Set in Lunaverse's Fillydelphia quite a few years before "Longest Night, Longest Day", two police detectives try not to make a case of solving one.

Set in Lunaverse's Fillydelphia quite a few years before "Longest Night, Longest Day", two police detectives try not to make a case of solving one. (NON CANON)

Published 2014-08-08 02:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-14 02:34:51 UTC

Flare in the Night

Nasty parked the car right at the entrance to a nightclub, with several bouncer earth ponies in tuxedos keeping other younger ponies, all dressed in various shouting clothes, in line and behaving. Biggest of the bouncers approaches the two detectives and looks them over, then the large olive green colored wooden sedan on four metallic wheels on metallic suspension, with a long hood covering a magic mechanical engine (a Crystal Empire invention), with exhaust pipes coming out the side of it and running alongside the entire length of the car, the whole contraption drawing attention of the crowd due to its sheer rarity and novelty. Nasty smiles as the bouncer recognizes him and says:

-”Good night, sirs. Would you like to step inside and enjoy our club’s entertainment faculties?”

-”Sure thing, pal! We’d really appreciate if this here beauty were still in one piece when we get back.”- Nasty hastily walks to the entrance, its doors opened by the big bouncer and waits for Coal to catch up after being overwhelmed by all the bright and colorful lights and signs of the club. As Coal finally reaches the doors, Nasty places his hoof on Coal’s shoulder and smugs. -”Don’t lose your hat, kiddo.”

Just as Coal snaps out of his trance to say something back to Nasty, he’s already gone. Coal tries to find Nasty among the moving crowds, spinning around in circles, until a tall white with pink hues mare in a light sparkly rose colored mane-do that covers almost her entire head and just as sparkly miniskirt approaches him, taking him by the knee and leads further inside. Coal gulps.

-”Don’t you worry there, let’s start slowly. I’m Candice.”

Coal is led to an out of the way couch area and is almost forcibly sat down on it. The mare herself just plumps down next to him, with her top torso resting on his legs.

-”You look uncomfortable there, let me take your hat, big boy.”- She is taken slightly aback as Coal shouts “ NO!” at her and clings to his hat with both hooves.-”Okay...let’s get you something to drink then!”
With one hoof she moves her mane a bit to the side revealing a long horn which starts flashing blue in a pattern. Soon another mare, this one on skates, rolls over to them with a tray on her back with some glasses of champagne, slightly stumbling on the occasional couple of stairs separating the different areas. The mare lying on Coal’s legs levitates a glass to herself and another to Coal. He nervously looks at her and on the levitating glass. She laughs and blushes a bit, which relaxes Coal a bit so he takes the glass. Candice strikes his glass with her's in a resonating "ding" and they both drink to the bottoms and levitate the glasses back onto the waitress's table, then Candice dismisses the waitress with a giggle and a playful smack on the flank.

-"So, hoofsome, let me give you the quick and lazy rundown"- Candice continued to lay on Coal and simply pointed her hoof in different directions.-"Okay, there is the reception bar, right next to the entrance where I snatched you. From there everypony usually continues onto the open dance floor, where all the cute mares and colts shake and bump their flanks. We sometimes get that new Canterlot underground sensation to spice up the dancing, DJ-TonE or Son3 or something. I don't really like her hosting shows here, she's actually still a filly, but she does have talent and the owner pays her quite a bit. Directly on the balcony above them, where you can't see what's happening is the V.I.P. lounge. They have their own bar and a dance floor. Not much dancing but a lot of flank jiggling is happening up there, if you catch my drift."-She noticed Coal blushing and starting to sweat.-"Oh you naughty boy, I meant all those self important silverbags just sit around trying to look important and pleased, occasionally getting up their fat jiggly flanks and switching tables to sit next to some other self important goats. I swear it's like the Night Court up there! Now, moving on, we have the dance poles there and there. The ones on the right have mares dancing, the ones in the left have colts. If you like somepony special, ask them to dance just for your big lustful, hungry eyes and they'll probably take you to the booths in the center. Or they're gonna smack you in the face and you're gonna get dragged outside if you behave as rough and stupid like that moron over there!"

Candice points to a drunk male pony forcibly hugging and pulling a mare in red lingerie towards the booths, only to have his hoof grabbed in a lock and twisted in such a way, that the male drops to the floor, by that very same mare, and is carried away then thrown out the doors by a bouncer.

-"Anyway! These are the resting and partying couches."-She makes a wide overhead sweeping motion with a hoof then points to herself.-"And right here is the most beautiful, charming and precious thing you've ever seen, hoofsome! So, got any questions? First one is free and honest!"

Coal either calmed himself down, or it was the alcohol that made him relax, but he looked at the mare with determination and pulled her from his legs and straightened his hat.

-"What if...I were to look for something to help me not feel as small as I do and not as brown as I feel?"
Candice visibly lost all her teasing mood and was displeased by his question. After a long suspicious and studying look, she then got up on her legs and pointed to a corner near the bar before walking away.

-"Then that is where you'll feel like a square you are. And memorize where the door out is once you're done!"

Coal felt somewhat guilty for driving her away, but decided to follow her tip. On approaching the corner near a bar he notices some ponies walking away from a room on the far side of the corridor sideways from the bar, with their eyes shifting in color, swaying and giggling all the way, typical “brownies” symptoms. Loud laughter and loud, similarly sounding and alternating voices came out of the room. Coal cautiously approaches the doorway and peeks inside. On a table are two small unicorn colts, both pale yellow-olive colored, with red and white manes and tails. On a bunch of seat cushions before them are half a dozen barely awake ponies, each one looking to be in a world of their own.

-”We see you all are enjoying the kicks!”

-”Just a taste of this packet of wonders!”

-”Lowest price of them all, just ten bits!”

-”If you buy from the Skim Brothers!”

The ponies hadn't even acknowledged their hosts’ attempts at rhyming and continued to occasionally roll around and make strange throat noises. The two colts look at each other.

-”What’s with those ponies?”

-”I think we might have overdone it on the free samples this time, brother.”

-”Is that...his tongue hanging out? Now we won't earn a single bit I knew we should have left the moment Ham hadn’t showed!”

-”Oh wait, shh!”-One of the colts notices Coal walking in and approaching them.-”Hello there, new friend!”

-”Try out the new remedy!”

-”Bring your stress to an end!”

-”With this here….”-.Colt frowns and his brother bumps him off the table.-”Damn it, nothing rhymes with remedy.”

-”Who gave you those “brownies”, boys?”

-”Who wants to know?”-Coal pulls out a police shield from underneath his hat with telekinesis. The eyes of both colts almost pop out of their sockets.-”It’s the heat, brother!

-”No kidding Sherclop! Quick, eat the drugs!”

Coal grabs one of the colts with his hooves and with his telekinesis pull the table from underneath the second, then traps him from overhead with that table, in between its legs. Both colts panic and try to escape, but eventually tire out. Coal puts the colt from his hooves underneath the table as well and sits on top. The ponies on the cushions tried to look up what all the noise was, but couldn't even raise their heads.

-”What are your names, foals?”

-”Up!”

-”And Your’s!”

-”Very funny you two! Just so you know, Equestrian Law, section 109, paragraph 2: drug possession. 3 to 8 years in jail.”

-”Then why won’t you arrest all those bums over there, copper? They won’t even resist!”

-”Oh, they’re small fry. Paragraph 4: drug distribution. 10 to life imprisonment. Lethal execution in some cases. Add to that resisting arrest, lying to an officer of the law and slandering of the Princess…”

-”WHAT?!!! We never said anything! And you can’t prove anything! You have no witlessness!”

-”He meant witnesses! And we’re too young to get executed!”

-”Maybe, but I do have witnesses. All those “bums” over there. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. I have seven ponies, that will sign anything I tell them to, testify to anything to get their skins out of the mess should I arrest them as well. Do you think they will care about two criminals like you going to jail and them walking free, or going in themselves?”-The two colts are now sobbing and starting to cry, yet they still alternated their responses, like it was a natural thing.-”Now! What are your names and who gave you those “brownies”?!”

-”I’m Appleskin and he’s Appleslice.”

-”It was Ham, Ham made us sell those things here.”

-”How did you two even get inside?”

-”Ham gave us a key from the staff back door. We come in 3 hours after opening to this room and sell all we can.”

-”When and where do you meet him?”

-”We were supposed to meet him almost an hour ago, he never came.”

-”Do you know where he lives? How does he give you the drugs?”

-“We don’t know, we all pick up the packages with “brownies” from the train station, from one of the garbage bins. That’s all we know. Please let us go! We won’t do it again, we swear!”

-”...What do you mean “we all”? How many of “you” are there?”

-”...Half the eldest kids from the orphanage do it.”

-”We got The Flare, others got the rest of the clubs…”

-”When was the last time you saw Ham?”

-”Last night, the usual time.”

-”What orphanage are you from, boys?”

Just as they were about to answer a unicorn pony from underneath the pile jumps up, rushes to Coal and punches him in the jaw so hard he flies off the table almost losing consciousness, then shouts “I’m JimmyX, bitch!” and gallops off. Two colts gallop out from underneath the table and out the door. Coal stands up, feeling his jaw with a hoof and walks hastily walks outside, trying to spot the two colts. He gives up shortly after, realizing that spotting two small colts in an overcrowded night club is impossible. He does, however spot, the pony that punched him at the DJ booth by the dancefloor. The music dies down and the pony steps down holding a guitar in his telekinesis, with a wire running back to the booth. Coal feels a hoof land on his shoulder. He turns around and sees Nasty, with yellow-olive unicorn mare lying unconscious on his back.

-”Is that who I think it is, Coalsy?”

-”Oh, sweet Luna, Nasty, please breathe away from me! Yes, that is JimmyX.”

-”Well, I’ll be! Ha-ha! What happened to your face, Coal?”

-”That bastard punched me!”

-”Who? Jimmy? Coal, you! And I thought you were all restraining orders and no breaking and entering! Your first night here, and you already manage to do more than I have in 5 years!”

Jimmy walks to the middle of the dance floor with his guitar, silently plays some accords, then his magically amplified guitar plays so loud, Coal thinks his eardrums are going to burst. Jimmy stops, turn to DJ and shouts “Louder, friend!”. DJ nods, yet pulls out an amplifying crystal from the board, lowering the volume. Jimmy starts playing again, this time Coal actually manages to notice the difference between octaves. After the intro, Jimmy starts singing.

“I got enough money for a one way ticket,

Don’t care where I go, don’t care when I leave,

In choosing my own death I was always wicked,

Don’t cry for me baby, don’t you grieve!

Blue rivers, faraway seas

Carry my words farther, but no me,

Blue rivers, faraway seas,

Carry my words farther, but not me.

I was there carrying the rainbow,

Through the lightning and the tornado,

And you were on it, asking me questions,

You were eager to hear my confessions.

Blue rivers, faraway seas

Carry my words farther, but no me,

Blue rivers, faraway seas,

Carry my words farther, but not me.

My horn is my wings, beating just as fast

Try living as I have, breathing the same dust,

But I’m getting tired, my days of flying are past,

Whatever goes up, go down it just must.

Blue rivers, faraway seas

Carry my words farther, but no me,

Blue rivers, faraway seas,

Carry my words farther, but not me.

Above blue rivers towards clear blue skies,

As a springboard use the rainbow in my eyes,

Beyond the seas where stars don’t shine,

My broken life will draw its final line.

Blue rivers, faraway seas

Carry my words farther, but no me,

Blue rivers, faraway seas,

Carry my words farther, but not me.

Now I have the ticket, where’s the platform,

Fear overwhelms me, I’m afraid to go,

I have nopony left, the rainbow is now a sandstorm,

On my shallow grave, no flower will ever grow.

Blue rivers, faraway seas

Carry my words farther, but no me,

Blue rivers, faraway seas,

Carry my words farther, but not me.

Oh how I miss the rivers, the smells of seas,

Poisoned them all I had, dried them to their salts,

End myself I must, I hear your loud pleas,

But before I go, let me have my final waltz.

Blue rivers, faraway seas

Carry my words farther, but no me,

Blue rivers, faraway seas,

Carry my words farther, but not me.”

Jimmy’s playing deteriorates into incoherent mess, somepony might call “experimental”, then finally collapses to the floor, barely conscious. Immediately two stallions lift him up and carry to the V.I.P. section stairs. Coal turns to Nasty.

-”For a pony high off his legs he did better than I expected. Nasty listen, there are ponies in the room furthest in that corridor, the one behind the bar, they all need medical help, I think they overdosed. Can you call the station and let them know? I have to ask Jimmy some questions.”

-”Coalsy, you kidding? I make that call and I’ll never step inside this club ever again! No bunch of stupid ponies is worth that!"

-"They're all young. What if it were one of your daughters in there, Melloway, would it still be not worth it then too?"

-"Well one of my daughters isn't in the there, she's right here."-Nasty points with his head towards the unconscious mare on his back.-"They all take after their father, alcohol only. I understand what you mean though. I'll think of something. Was going to take her home anyhow."

Coal nods to Nasty and starts walking towards the stairs. He is stopped by two bouncers. Coal shows them the shield, but they are unfazed. Coal notices Jimmy walking around talking to himself and shouts to him.

-”Mister Heartstrings, I have news of your wife!”

-”Ah, yes, that hypnomare! How is she? Haven’t spoken to her since the wedding!”

-”She was a victim of abduction and violence, Mister Heartstrings, perhaps you’d let me join you and we could talk?”

Jimmy waves to the bouncers and they let Coal through. As soon as Coal levels out with Jimmy, he grabs Coal and hugs him like a long lost friend. He then throws up on Coal’s front hooves and bursts from laughter and he falls onto one of the many luxurious jelly-like couches. Two mares dressed as maids with lavish lacings immediately clean up both Coal and the floor with soapy tissues, then lead him to Jimmy’s couch, already stained with more vomit spots. Coal notices how all the ponies on the other couches and tables turn away from him, but not before Coal spotted the district attorney surrounded by mares speak with somepony Coal saw somewhere before, but couldn’t quite lay a hoof on.

-”How are you feeling, Mister Heartstrings?”

-”Just call me Jimmy, sport! Here, have a drink! No wait, that’s just a glass with my spit.”-As he says that, he spits inside it some more. Coal, and everypony else is visually disturbed by that.-”What’s your name? You look so cute in that hat!”

-”Detective Coal Helps...Jimmy. I don’t suppose you are aware your wife had been abducted and held against her will in an apartment not that far from here?”

-”No, couldn’t not say I don’t, hahaha! Get it? So how’s Sally? You did, rescue her, right sport?”

-”Missus Colgate, Jimmy.”

-”Oh yeah, right! Sally’s that mare over there, she looks like her twin sister!”

Coal looks in the pointed direction and notices a bouncer in a suit with a name tag hanging from his breast pocket reading “Salmonella”. He gives Coal a hate filled look.

-”Jimmy, can you tell me when was the last time you saw Colgate?”

-”Ehm, try asking something a little easier. Not since the birth of our foal, I suppose. No, wait, it was two weeks ago at the Sunflare Carnival, definitely Sunflare Carnival!”

-”Jimmy, Sunflare Carnival was a whole year ago. It’s in two days from now!”

-”Then I guess I’ll see her then and keep my word! She’s a grown mare, she can take care of herself. She takes care of me everytime I get home from my work. Say, can you take me home soon, I’m starting to get a bit tired.”

-”I’m sure the management can get you a cab. Jimmy, are you now, or have ever been under the influence of Butorphanol Monosodium Glycol, more commonly known as “brownie”?

-”I’m under the influence of love, Co...Ca…”

-”Coal”

-”No, thanks, I don’t have stomach pains. Why do you ask, sport?”

-”Answer the question, Jimmy, are you under the influence of drugs?!”

-”I don’t know, I guess. Everything’s a drug these days! I am under arrest? Boy, just last week I was latched to a bed with hoofcuffs!”

-”Not if you cooperate and get yourself together. What do you know about a drug known as “brownie”?”

-”Okay officer, no need to get mad! My friends got me into taking that stuff. It opens your mind, makes you feel like you're the damn Princess herself! Now, if you mix it up with alcohol and smokes, then the real fun starts. Then Discord takes the show over. Rains chocolate inside your head and turns your brain to sugar cotton!”

-”Jimmy, ponies have been banished from existence, not just to the Sun thanks to that drug! How do you know of Discord?”

-”Oh I’ve studied ancient Equestrian mythology in Canterlot University. That’s how I got into music. The ancients have some wicked songs!”

-”...Who sells you the drugs, Jimmy?”

-”I don’t buy them, my friends do. Haven’t got a jangle to my name, I’m all for sharing, you know.”

-”So what you’re saying is, that you do drugs you don’t know where who they come from?”

-”Oh no, I do know where they come from. They come from those two hard working colts. Always so eager to entertain. Can’t recall their names.”

-”Jimmy, you can’t recall the name of your own wife!”

-”Yo, no need to shout, sport! You know what, I can see you’re a decent pony, I have an eye for those, why won’t you have an autograph!”

Coal was clearly agitated and angry. Talking to, let alone questioning Jimmy was proving to be a pointless endeavor. From the balcony Coal noticed a group of ponies in medical garbs rush from the entrance to behind the bar. Jimmy finishes scribbling his autograph on a napkin using a pen stuck between his teeth and hoofs it over to Coal. He takes it and decides to leave the club for good, his working hours soon to end as well. Nasty was waiting for him at the bar, without the unconscious mare on his back this time. Before Coal could speak to him, he felt a tug on his shoulder and was forcibly turned around. The tall mare, Candice, looks him angrily in the eyes.

-”I thought I told you to head for the exit last time, officer!”

-”How did you…?”

-”You couldn’t behave more obvious if you’d showed up in uniform! Coming in with Nasty doesn’t help either. Don’t give me that look, everypony ,but Nasty himself, knows he’s a cop. Now please leave before some powerful ponies start seeing you as a threat. I wouldn’t like to see somepony like you getting hurt. Please. Leave.”
Candice turns around and swishes her tail right in Coal’s face, leaving some sparkles on it. Coal watches her disappear in the crowd. Nasty steps up next to him.

-”Sweet Luna, Coal! You did more in one night than I have in 10! And this club’s only been open for like 6! That’s Candice, the Sugar Mistress! I know a pony that would pay his yearly salary just to see her dance, I see him every morning in the mirror!”
Coal smiles and heads to the exit with Nasty. Outside he notices Nasty’s daughter sleeping on the passenger seat of the car. Coal takes a deep breath of cool fresh night air.

-”I hope you don’t mind if I drive her home, do you?”

-”Of course not, Nasty. I think there’s a cab station not far from here. Great work getting help to those ponies, by the way”

-”Thanks, Coal. Oh, any luck with Jimmy?”

-”No, the damn bastard is so high off his flank he could barely breathe. Gave me his autograph though!”-Smiling coal pulls the napkin from his mane and hoofs it over to Nasty.

-”To best pony, keep on rockin, friend, JimmyX….Heh, do you know what my sixth daughter would do for that?”

-”That’s Alumina, right?”

-”No, Alumina is second. Wildfire is sixth. Before you ask, the one in the car is third, Sweetcreme”

-”Sure, Nasty, anything to make their dad look better in their eyes.”

-”You really know how to ruin the mood, Coal. No wonder Candice kicked you out! Anyway, I better get going. Her mother had probably burned down half the town looking for her.”-Two stallions smile at each other and part ways.

All the way back to his apartment the cab driver kept talking about how bad it was that the summer break had begun and how he had no idea what to do with his kids and how it was a Crystal Empire’s conspiracy. Coal zoned him out and kept thinking back to Candice. Her whole poise, manner of speaking, not to mention the looks, were making Coal want to see her again. He kept thinking back to her as he was falling asleep in his bed. Concluding, that it was her job to be as appealing as possible and that he shouldn't think anything of it, Coal finally fell asleep. He dreamt of Candice on a bed of rose petals.

Author's Note

Yep, That's a musical number. In a story about candy colored horses...Who'd have thought

Solar Eclipse

Coal wakes up from his sleep behind the work desk from faint fillies’ giggles from behind the door to his and Nasty’s office. The clock on the wall reads 9 a.m., almost 2 hours past the end of their shift. Normally, Coal wouldn’t allow himself any sleep during work hours, but today was special - the summer vacation had started a few days prior and today was Sunflare Carnival, a holiday when colts and fillies dress up in various costumes, try to scare ponies or be bribed with candy, which they then “sacrifice” as magical accelerant to ensure Corona is kept trapped in the sun for another year. Many police officers took the day off to be with their foals, so Lieutenant Wildfire offered ponies without foals to pull a double shift for additional pay and free vacation days later, something Coal was seduced by. Technically his second shift started 1 hour ago, he slept through most of his own and was still sleepy. Nasty is snoring with his head on a pillow under the desk like he usually does when the two of them are in the office with no work to do. Coal knew there was actually loads of work to do, but since all the ponies he needed help from were too busy with their foal and the Carnival, he took a few advices from Nasty and slept.

Giggling was now followed by a tap on the door. Coal walks to the door, fairly convinced he knows who stands outside. Coal opens the door to a sight of three teenage fillies with a few years between them and all roughly the same size. They were an amber colored pegasus, an orange earth pony and a long legged white unicorn.

-”Morning girls!”

Although all three spoke in unison, not all of them shared the enthusiasm, making it all sound disjointed.

-”Good morning, Mister Helps…”

-”Come inside, your father is happy to see you!”

Fillies walk inside and notice their still sleeping father scratching his flank mid sleep and making grunting noises. The younger two fillies laugh and the older unicorn just grunts. She approaches Nasty and strikes her hoof on the table next to his head. In surprise Nasty jumps up and the two younger fillies kick his chair from under him, causing him to fall on his back, then start bouncing on him.

-”Ow, ow, ow, quit it you two! You’re not as light and soft as you think.”-They stop bouncing and Nasty cuddles them.-”I’m happy to see you too. And you too, Miss “I’mtoocooltohugmydad”. Am I right girls?”-The two fillies laugh and help Nasty get up. He extends a hoof and the older filly gets closer for a hug.-”I missed you too, Sourcream!”

-”Mister Coal, is it true your special talent is cause ponies to poop less?”-Sourcream snorts at her orange sister’s question.-”What are you laughing at, Sour? It’s poop more, isn’t it?”-Nasty strikes a table with his hoof and bursts out laughing along with Sourcream, giving her a hoofbump.

-”Ehm, no...Carrot Top, was it?”-The filly nods. Coal turns his side a bit to showcase his cutie mark of some white dots and a line connecting some of them.-”My special talent is to find the connections, it’s what makes me happy. Tell me, Carrot Top, what have you heard your father’s special talent is?”

-”It’s paying alimony and never being there when you’re needed!”

Now it was Coal snorting. Nasty looks with disappointment and frowns at lip biting Sourcream. He takes Carrot Top and places her on the table.

-”Topsy, my special talent is to surround myself with ponies I love. Like you three.”

-”Then why is your cutie mark a rose with a red drop on its thorns?”-The third filly, looking at Nastys cutie mark says.

-”Cutie marks’ images don’t always make sense, Wildfire. You’ll know for yourselves what really makes you feel happy though. Now! Weren’t we going to the Carnival? Why are you not in costumes yet?”-Two fillies eagerly run off and bring a bunch of bags in their teeth.-”And you, Sourcream?”

-”I’m not participating in this foalishness.”

-”You fail me yet again, Sourcream! You know what that means!”-Nasty slowly and menacingly approaches the filly.

-”No, dad! NO!”-Nasty corners her and sticks his muzzle to her side. He blows air through his mouth, making flapping sounds, while the filly twitches and laughs from tickling.-”Okay, stop! I have a costume! Dad!”

Nasty nods to Coal and leads his daughters out of the office. Coal sits down still smiling from the Melloway family show. Coal is one of the few ponies that knows Nasty’s true special talent - tragic love. Nasty lost a bet to Coal and was forced to reveal it. Nasty loves tragic love stories. He loves reading them, hearing about them, but most of all he loves making ones by participating in them. Each of his seven marriages were passionate, quick and tragic. Nasty claims he still loves his ex-wives, that’s why he pays alimony even to those he is no longer required to. Coal also knows Nasty’s second special talent - loving his daughters. One from every marriage. And surprisingly they all love him back. Coal knows one too many ponies that hate one or both their parents after they divorce, but Nasty managed to keep their love. Nasty is actually dirt poor, yet still always manages to get presets for them and organize whole cast of daughters to picnics and other festivities.

Nasty drives the car with daughters through the streets of town. The car is turning heads with its beauty, signature crystal engine low hum, but mostly because of its utter rarity and novelty. Ever since Nasty and Coal were gifted, or bribed, depends of Nasty or Coal’s perspective, for the case of Crystal Empire’s Prince disappearance, or violent debauchery, again depends of the perspective, Nasty just couldn’t imagine walking anywhere anymore. His daughters love to ride in it. Especially Sourcream. She just basks in the attention and envy everypony is giving. They drive up to a nearby shopping center, Nasty parking the car near the unloading docks. From the trunk Nasty pulls a heavy enchanted tarp, which his daughters help him pull over the car, making it look like a bunch of covered crates and boxes. The fillies then change into their costumes - Carrot Top into a bunny, Wildfire into a dragon and Sourcream into a bat. Satisfied they enter the mall, its pavilions decorated with drawn dark blue cloth roofs adorned with silver confetti to resemble the night skies and stars. Stages are set with various performers entertaining the foals that don’t gallop around in groups, practically extorting candy they place in bags shaped like small moons adorned with 5 hexagonal crystals of separate colors. Nasty asks his daughters about the Carnival and they, along with all the other ponies inside answer. In song.

“What do you know about Solarflare Carnival, fillies?”
The youngest, Carrot Top, answers.

“This is Solarflare Carnival, where everypony is making a scene.

We dress in costumes scaring ponies and eating candy in between!

But if we eat too much and sacrifice not enough to the burning ball,

The nasty Corona will return all pissed and burn us all!”

A receptionist continues.

“Your false Queen is living in the past,

So you won’t last

Without the proper care.

With a jaw punching farewell

And kick to her bell

We’ll send her off for another long year!”

Nasty asks more.

“Why do you care about Solarflare Carnival, fillies?”

The middle, Wildfire answers.

“This is Solarflare Carnival, where we have fun with our friends,

It is a known fact that it is something Corona not understands!

But if we get too relaxed, on our friends too dependent,

We’ll earn not our friends’ trust, just their resentment!”

A jester pony continues.

“Your false Queen is living in the past,

So you won’t last

Without the proper care.

With a jaw punching farewell

And kick to her bell

We’ll send her off for another long year!”

Nasty asks again.

“When do we learn about Solarflare Carnival, fillies?

Oldest of the sisters, Sourcream, answers.

“This is Solarflare Carnival, where Corona we must appease,

Bribes and intimidation, just so she won’t raise the degrees!

But if she gets too demanding, too stubborn to yield,

The power of friendship we’ll use against her as a weapon concealed!”

Everypony looks questioningly at Sourcream and shakes their heads. Sourcream just asks “What?” at them.

A rather short Corona impersonator steps out from behind a stall and continues.

“Your true Queen is living in the past,

So you won’t last

Without the proper care.

With a jaw punching farewell

And kick to her bell

You’ll send me off for another long year!”

Nasty gestures for the fillies to go and mingle about. Two younger ones immediately run off, while Sourcream slowly trots to the punch stand, where ponies her age just silently stand and look at eachother. Sourcream behaves no differently. Nasty himself spots lieutenant Firewall in a shadowbolt costume, picks up a two-cup salver with coffee in his teeth and walks over to her.

-”Coffee, Wallsy?”-She lightly kicks him in the leg.-”Coffee, Firewall?”

-”Thank you. Those two yours?”-She motions to Carrot Top and Wildfire running in circles around a cyan pegasus filly, laughing.

-”Sure are. Wait, is that...your…?”

-”Yes, Melloway, that’s Spitfire running around. She put on so much paint she can barely move.”

-”What did she dress as?”

-”There’s this filly in flight camp with her. Rainbow Dash or something, she painted herself to be like her. Spitfire absolutely adores this Dash. Keeps talking about how fast she flies and what difficult stunts she pulls. What she doesn't realize though, is that to notice Dash’s speed and stunts she herself must be flying faster and leaner. Foals will be foals I guess.”

-”Yeah, takes seven to agree. And you, where did you get that outfit? Looks impressive. Wait, that wouldn't happen to be from that one agent we arrested, would it? That’s evidence, Wallsy, evidence of you looking good in it!”

-”By Luna, you have no tact, Melloway!”

Coal is shifting through reports in his office. Investigators found magical residue in Fam and Ham’s supposed apartment, almost 5 miliclicks at the epicenter. Being a unicorn himself and calculating normal decay to time after spell, he approximated the initial magical energy output somewhere around 70 kiloclicks, that’s something rivaling a full platoon of soldier unicorns all focusing a ray of pure magic on something for 1 second, something that will burn through 1 inch of steel. Fam, the unicorn of the duo, is not known to be magically stronger than an average unicorn, and Fam is self taught, which means he is probably even weaker. Coal decides he’s not going to discover anything else, until the specialists get back, and switches to trying to find anything on Fillydelphia’s orphanages and their distances from known exotic nightclubs and the railway station. One was right between The Flare and the station. “Luna’s Warm Home for the Lost”. Thinking back to The Flare, Coal couldn't shake out the image of Candice on his legs, smiling and looking him in the eyes. Something tugged at Coal's mind about her. He checks for a file on her in Fillydelphia’s pony criminal index cards library. Almost immediately he finds the wanted file. Candice d’Mareseilles. Coat pinkish white. Mane pale purple-pink with white. Eyes navy blue. Cutie mark unknown. Current residence unknown. Several cases as victim of domestic violence. Suspect in several cases of causing bodily harm and property damage, all dropped. Also known as Fleur de Lis.

Author's Note

Some more canon breaking.
I borrowed some lyrics from WoodenToaster's incredibly memorable Nightmare Night song, just a tiny bit.

Secong Hamming

Coal is making himself coffee in the station’s kitchen. Station itself is fairly silent, only the occasional groups of foals stumbling in looking to “flare or care”. Station sergeant comes up to Coal and hoofs him an envelope with printed “To Detectives Helps and Melloway”. The first tip came in exactly the same looking envelope. Coal opens it up and reads “I feel it is my civic duty to inform you, that a pony with severe burns had been checked in to “Soothing Paste” private hospital bearing similarities to Ham.”. Coal rushes to station’s reception desk, where the sergeant sits and shifts through the newspaper, to ask for a few uniformed policeponies to accompany him. The sergeant laughs and gestures to Coal to look around and notice the lack of any pony, let alone a free one. Disappointed, Coal has the sergeant look up the hospital’s address and sets off. On his way to the hospital Coal came across some policeponies, but noticed they were all on duty, making sure nothing bad happened during the Carnival, like a drunk disrupting the peace or shoplifters using the Carnival commotion to get away.

Fillydelphia wasn’t suffering from crime, like the infamous Neigh Orleans for example, yet was far from the almost clinical safety of Stalliongrad. Currently, however, Fillydelphia was going through a stage of underworld uproar, after somepony made the last major criminal under-boss simply vanish. Now somepony else, calling himself “Fishy the Mad”, has taken over most of the usual rackets, betting parlors and loan sharks, yet added a new all-consuming decease and a treasure trove of bits, nopony before him had ever dared delve into - drugs. It is a known fact, that the only thing the Princess despises more than being blatantly lied to, is drug and alcohol abuse. Up till a few years ago, worst drug related crime in Equestria was when the famous boxer Marcus Tightson was found guilty of abusing painkillers and muscle growth stimulants. Today, the youth of Equestria was bombarded with cheap and dangerous hallucination inducing “brownies” with a few already dying of overdose, and Fillydelphia is at the center of the distribution. Fillydelphia’s Commissioner had made a case of stopping the drug rings before the Princess returns from her vacation in Cavallia, fearing she’d take a personal interest in the fight against them. The drug had been confirmed to be of Zebraic origin and should the Princess learn of this, Coal agreed with Commissioner, the already strained relations may simply sever altogether. Fam and Ham, a unicorn and an earth pony duo, have apparently switched from conponyship and fraud to drug distribution, which placed them on Coal and Nasty’s Vice cases table. Coal and Nasty busted up F&H’s storehouses and arrested a small number of zebras on suspicions of smuggling, though Coal was certain Nasty overreacted and was being a speciesist, before the duo decided to lay low. That’s when the first anonymous tip arrived.

Slightly sweating from both the long walk and summer heat, Coal walks inside the hospital. Nurse at the empty reception politely smiles at him, placing a mares’ magazine aside.

-”How may I help you? If you’re looking somewhere to spend the noon, there is some water and magazines in the waiting room.”

-”No, thank you. Was a pony brought here recently? With burn marks.”

-”I’m sorry, but that information is confidential.”-The mare drops her smile and is looking worried. Coal shows her his shield from under the hat.-”I’m sorry officer, but information on our patients is protected under medical privacy laws. You will need a warrant to inquire further. Was there something else you needed?”

-”Would you please call the manager. I will need to know what to write in the warrant.”-Coal never like to press ponies, as his words always came out like he was about to lose his temper and punch that pony.-”Whether it should be a medical confidentiality revocation, or a full on search warrant. I want to know if a pony I've mentioned is admissioned here!”

Nurse was about to say something when a painful scream from somewhere a floor above resonated through the building. Shortly after there was more screaming, followed by loud laugh. Coal spots a staircase and begins to walk in its direction. The nurse jumps up and shouts.

-”You can’t go there, that’s private property!”

-”I most certainly can, under “investigating suspicious behavior or disturbance”, Miss!”

On reaching the second floor Coal spots an open door to one of the rooms and hears ponies talking in an otherwise completely empty and silent floor. He approaches the doorway and peeks inside. There are a couple of large pegasus stallions in medical garbs standing before another stallion, a unicorn in a garb, sitting on top of a pony on a bed. Coal hears somepony running behind him and turns around to spot the nurse galloping towards him, turning in place just before him to try and buck him. Coal flies off a few feet from the bucking, and the nurse screams “COPS!!!” before Coal shoots her with his already summoned slingshot. He cast a simple disorientation spell on the bullet before shooting it, and as the bullet hits the mare in the square in the skull, her entire head is wrapped in yellow aura after which her eyes roll into her skull and she passes out collapsing on the floor. Two pegasus stallions dressed as orderlies rush out of the room and pull out batons in their teeth from underneath the garbs. Coal misses with his shot and the stallions don’t let the opportunity go to waste and start pummeling on Coal, until he falls to the floor. Before he passes out, he notices one of the pegasi carefully place the nurse on his back and with a few beats of his wings flies out of the corridor window, joining the other with a stallion on his back.

Coal wakes up from hearing somepony grovel in pain and immediately coughs some blood. He lifts his head from a small pool of baked blood to look around. Night sky and stars are visible from the window. Coal also notices the unnatural twist in his front leg. Forcing himself he gets up, holding his damaged limb slightly in the air above the floor. He hears soft crying from the floor below. Slowly, leaning on the walls for support, Coal makes it down the stairs and find a pony on its belly dragging itself with its front legs along the floor, painfully moaning.

-"Ham? Ham!"-The pony stops its crawl.-"You can stop now. You're not going anywhere."

The pony turns to its side, revealing a severely burned face of an earth pony stallion.

-”I was wondering when you’d get up.”-Ham takes a few strained breaths.-”Made myself a deal - I get to the doors before you do, I’d treat myself to something nice. Looks like I only had 20 or so feet left to go.”

Coal slowly skip-walks outside and fires a yellow flare from his horn into the sky, then leans on a doorway as he waits for patrol ponies to reach him. His entire body aches, one of the eyes is swollen so hard he can barely keep it open and after fishing in his mouth a bit he spits out a few bloody pieces of teeth onto the ground. Shortly after a uniformed pegasus patrol pony lands on the street and Coal waves him over.

-"Detective Coal Phelps, badge 1247. Me and a suspect inside require medical aid.”

-”Sure thing detective.”-Patrol pony looks inside at heavily breathing Ham lying on his side and silently sobbing.-”You sure got him good though.”

-”Who? Oh, him. No, that wasn't me. And no, that wasn't him either.”

-”Wait, isn't this a hospital already?”

-”Well, this hospital’s staff attacked me and ran. Ow, it hurts to laugh.

Patrol pony takes to the air and a few good minutes later two medical carts and several uniformed police ponies arrive. Coal and Ham get placed on the carts and driven to a public hospital. When they left for the hospital Coal noticed the same familiar looking pony stallion he saw at The Flare, speaking to district attorney.

By the beginning of the next shift Coal was already in his office having a friendly argument with Nasty.

-”By Luna’s sweet flank, I leave you alone for a few hours, kid, and you manage to get yourself beaten half to death!”

-”Calm down, Nasty. All I got was a few bruises.”-Coal carefully sits himself slightly to the side behind his desk to minimize the pain.-”And besides, how was I supposed to know the place was some kind of front. Had you been with me, you’d had been pummeled too.”

-”Oh now you’re just trying to make me jealous. Haven’t had a good fight in years!”

They are interrupted by a light tapping on the door. It opens and Nasty’s daughter, Carrot Top walks in, ears drooped and eyes to the floor.

-”Hi dad, hi Mister Helps.”

-”Topsy, what are you doing here? Why aren't you home?”

-”Listen, dad...Can I uh...Stay at your place for a bit.”

-”Did you run away again?”

-”Not really. They had a fight again and I just don’t want to be in the middle of it all. Please dad, I already told them I’ll be staying the night at your place!”

-”Okay, sure Topsy. I’ll talk to your mom first thing in the morning. Say, you don’t have much to do during the summer vacation, do you?”

-”No, well some summer projects, but those are lame.”

-”Then I know what will cheer you up and make me happy as well. My old folks got a farm back in Ponyville. It’s a quiet small out of way town.”

-”Dad, what have I lost at a farm with your parents.”

-”I bet you've never been to a farm before, have you Topsy.”

-”No, not really. We learned about them at school though. Boring places where nothing happens."

-"That's not true, Topsy! There's always things to do on a farm. It has its own pace if things. Trust me, you'll love it. Your grandparents will be so happy to see you. They only saw you when you were just a newborn, when your mother and I were still together. They'll spoil you senseless. And if you don't like it, it's only a two days trip back to Fillydelphia! How's that sound?"

-"Well, I guess it could be nice to meet my other grandma and grandpa."-The filly visibly brightened up.

-"Good then. I'll send them a letter and I'm sure next month they'll be more than ready to welcome you. Now, here's the keys, don't take shortcuts and stay on the lit side of the road!"

-"You sound just like mom!"

-"That's because she's right! Now go, before it gets too dark!"-Nasty kisses his daughter on her forehead and closes the door behind her.

-"I didn't know you grew up on a farm, Nasty."

-"Are you joking, Coal? How do you think I got to be so big? Nothing to do on a farm, but carry heavy stuff around and sweat all day! Dreadful place!"

-"Then why are you sending your daughter there?"

-"So she'll learn to appreciate her everyday life. My folks would die to see their grandfoals, I wasn't lying about that."

Coal tries drinking coffee, scrunching from every sip as his regrowing teeth hurt and numb from the drink. Nasty is writing a letter to his parents. There is a hard knocking on the door. Nasty stands up to open it.

-"Good night lieutenant! Eh, you too commissioner. Please come in."

Coal stands up to greet them. He has had a few dealings with the commissioner, a tall slender olive green pegasus in a suit. Coal was always left with a metallic taste in his mouth whenever he heard the commissioner speak in his usual self righteous preachy manner.

-"How are you two fine lads doing tonight?"-Before Coal or Nasty could respond, commissioner kept on talking.-"I know what will make this fine evening even better! I'm trusting you two to break that fiend Ham. Get him to spill his heart and confess to all his sins tonight and I'll make sure he goes away to never come back. While you, boys, will enjoy some fine and just reward. Don't let mine and Luna's trust in you be wasted!"-With that commissioner leaves, leaving lieutenant behind.

-"Helps, Melloway, you have till morning to interrogate Ham, before he gets an attorney. get him to sign a confession, that way we won't be breaking any protocol. He's in room 2."

-"Lieutenant, that pony was barely alive yesterday, we can't press him now, he might not break but just close up inside!"

-"She's right Coalsy, keep him in shock, even if he doesn't break he might let something slip. Come on, we can do this. He's just a throwaway street actor, how tough can he be?"

Coal and Nasty were looking into interrogation room 2 from behind a one way mirror at wheelchair bound hoofcuffed Ham sitting barely awake behind a desk. To their side were the lieutenant and commissioner. Nasty nods to Coal and they enter the room. Coal sits opposite Ham, while Nasty stands behind him.

-"My name is detective Helps, that is detective Melloway."

-"You I saw yesterday, you I heard of."-Ham tries to turn his head to Nasty to say it to him.

-"Well, don't believe everything you hear. I'm much worse in real life."

-"Funny, and they say I'm a bad comedian."

-"You know why you're here Ham."

-"I take it you bunch want private lessons in acting?"

-"You really are a bad comedian."-Nasty walks over so that Ham can see his face.-"So bad you took the expression break a leg seriously."

-"You...I want my attorney!"

-"Drug dealing scum like you don't get any. Do you know you'll be trialed not by the court of jury, but by the Royal Court of Canterlot. Take a quick guess who's presiding over it. I'll give you a guess. She's tall, dark blue and has a mean temper."-Ham stares at grinning Nasty in disbelief and starts sweating.

-”Drug dealing? What?! You’re just making this all up!”

-”The orphans gave you and your partner in crime up, Ham!”-Coal’s facial expression and word pronunciation was at his trademark aggression level.

-”Oh, did I fail to mention, she also loves foals and is protective of orphans. You had managed to do all those things! I wonder if she’d banish you to the sun, or tartarus first.”

-"I...I want my attorney...Now!"

-"It doesn't have to be the Princess to judge you though, Ham."-Coal pushes a glass of water towards Ham.-"Come clean on everything, sign a confession and we'll make sure you get a quick, behind closed doors, trial here, in Fillydelphia. Prove that you're really sorry, tell us everything you know, who supplies you, who you sell to, what do you know about Fishy!

-”Fishy?! Take a guess who broke my legs! And then he laughed his damn face off! You were there to watch the whole show!”-Ham looks Coal right in the eyes then at his hoofcuffed front legs on the table.-"I'm not going to say a word..."

-"You just did. You said he mutilated you to satisfy his sadistic desires."-Coal is almost shooting lightnings from eyes.-"And like you said, I watched the whole thing. He now knows you failed him and got taken by police. Do you think he won't put two and two together?"

-"Say, Coal, what if we let this guy walk, well, wheel out of here. Have some press take pictures, let it slip he talked. Then just sit by and watch the show. You won't be missed, you know."

-"No! You wouldn't! Cops are supposed to protect ponies!"

-"And we do. From ponies like you. If one scum takes out another, nopony will shed a single tear."

-"Tell us what we want to know, cooperate and maybe the judge will allow you to file an appeal later in your sentence. You could be out in 15, 10 on exemplary behavior."

-"10? You're joking! I won't believe a word you say until I hear my attorney say it!"-Ham takes the glass of water in his shaking hooves and drinks it in one gulp.

-"Well, we could make judge Bianco take over the case. Did you know her daughter died of "brownie" overdose?"

-"You can start making the situation better for yourself if you tell us where Fam is.”

-”Fam is...he’s dead. He didn't make it.”-Ham looks hatefully at the empty glass of water and a small trickle of tears start dropping from his eyes.-”It was all that bitch’s fault! If it weren’t for her, Fam would...I wouldn't even be here, if it weren't for her!

-”Start talking, Ham, why did Fam die! Who’s “she”?”

-”Colgate...She used us. I bet she set it all up!”

-”Don’t you throw away accusations at mares like that!”-Nasty leans on his front legs on the table looking at Ham.

-”Explain yourself, Ham!”

-”Me and Fam, we were just ordered into helping Fishy sell those things. I knew Colgate from my days as an amateur stage actor, I managed to convince her to help us get in touch with all the famous musicians and actors.”-Ham looks at Coal and a tip of his mouth twitches a bit.-”I used to adore half those ponies. When we started to sell I saw them for what they all really are. Self absorbed trash. Colgate’s husband, Jimmy, is one of the worst. Guess we weren’t any better. One night she comes to us all crying and hurt. And what do we do? We feed her the product. Then use her.”

-”You son of a…”-Nasty raises his massive hoof to strike Ham, but it’s stopped by a yellow glow.

-”I didn't think then she hated us for it. She just didn't care. She came back a few days later. That time she just had a few drinks. Then she starts coming several times a week. I’m thinking all is great, in my foalishness. Take her out to see the black market. We come across all the loot from “Fillydelphia’s 1st” deposit boxes. Immediately she spots this silver cylinder, says to buy it. She must have known what’s inside. We get back, she’s all excited, says the cylinder is a scroll storing tube, whatever’s inside probably worth a fortune. Fam uses his magic to pick the hidden lock, and there really is a scroll inside. Fam looks at it and says he thinks it’s some kind of teleportation spell, you just have to read the words, only they’re in ancient equestrian. We all cheer like foals. Several weeks later Colgate comes around, saying Jimmy had acquired so many debts in his “brownie” trips, she is going to be thrown out of her own house. Me and Fam were already free of the distribution, thanks to a little help somepony at The Flare organized for us. He drafted some orphans to sell. Nopony will think of foals as distributors.”

-”Who was it? How did he look like?”

-”I don’t know, he never said his name and was wearing a cloak. He did have green eyes and red mane I think.”

-”Right, a mysterypony in a cloak in a nightclub helping you become even more despicable. I thought you actors would make better liars!”-Nasty angrily exhales from his nose and walks in circles behind Ham.

-”You wanted me to tell the truth, that’s it!

-”What happened next? How does Colgate have anything to do with this?”

-”I’m getting to that. So, with all the “help” me and Fam are free to search for a buyer for the scroll. We get word, that Fishy himself is interested in the scroll. We decide to make the deal the next morning, Colgate comes over for early celebration, only that night cops show up on our doorstep, bucking it down. We panic, Colgate says to hit her and tie her up to make it look like a hostage, and for Fam to use the scroll to help us escape. Fam reads it and in a flash we’re gone. We appear in the same apartment, only something is wrong. Everything looks different. This isn't our apartment anymore. Fillydelphia looks different too. We cheer for our escape, then Fam suddenly collapses. His horn starts glowing purple and then I notice I myself am consumed in a purple flame. Then in a flash we’re gone again and appear inside our apartment again, the original one. I drop and roll to put myself out and Fam just screams in agony then his horn just explodes.”-Ham starts crying.-”His eye...were just burned out, face all twisted in agony! I stumble into Fishy’s private hospital-betting parlor. A nurse takes me to a bed, a doctor takes a look at me. I fall asleep.”-Ham stiffens up, his voice filled with hatred.-”Then he arrives. I explain it all to him. Give him the scroll. He then breaks my legs. And just laughs. Laughs that we didn’t know the scroll was trapped. Laughs that I got burned and Fam is dead. He broke my legs just because we used the scroll! And Colgate knew the scroll was trapped. She planned it all, I just know it!”-Silence fills the room.

-”That’s quite the story you’re painting, Ham. It’s like you were the victims in this whole story!”-Nasty puts few pieces of blank paper and a pen in front of Ham.-"Start writing and maybe in 15 years you'll finally work in one of Manehattan's Broadroad theaters you're so fond of. As a janitor."-Nasty grins and Coal keeps his stern look on Ham, as he sobbingly takes up the pen in his mouth and begins writing.

Author's Note

Talking Heads!

Smoke and Banks

Coal is sitting at his office desk browsing through the clues the detectives gathered throughout their investigation into F&H duo and reads Fam's post-mortem report, while Nasty is trying to make sense of the First Bank of Fillydelphia's heist file Coal had kept.

-"It writes here Fam died of "explosive cranial decompression through the primary magic amplification nerve cluster, caused by sudden overchanneling shock"! That's ridiculous!"

-"Damn right it is a ridiculous way of saying his damn head exploded! Guess Ham wasn't lying about that."

-"Nasty, the average unicorn horn can stand up to shocks of 25 kiloclicks!”

-”Doesn't tell me anything.”-Nasty just shakes his head and goes back to reading the file.

-”Just to get things into proportion, one click is enough to heat a square inch of water to 100 degrees. Greatest energy output I myself ever managed was 7.33 kiloclicks, I was trained for that and I almost overchanneled! Fam conducted that much energy in an instant. I sure hope that scroll's trap is a one shot, otherwise we've got ourselves a very dangerous artifact."-Coal goes to look out the office windows into the night city.

-"Come on, Coalsy, don't tell me you believe that pony!"

-"Well so far what he's said doesn't contradict what we've learned, so I'm just giving his words the benefit of a doubt."

-"Well, the Fishy has it, so hopefully he'll be the one to get his head blown off."

-"Something tells me he knew about the trap placed on the scroll, so we won't get as lucky. Did you find anything, Nasty?"

-"Well, not much, your notes basically confirm anything I got to notice as well. It sure seems like you'd already needed a teleportation spell to get in and out as fast! Half an hour, in and out the deposit box vault. That's something even Quartermoon would be hard pressed to pull off!"

-"Quartermoon?…Quartermoon The Magnificent?"-Coal turns to Nasty, obviously intrigued.

-"Yeah, what about him? Don't tell me you think he did it, he's been dead the last 5 or so years."

-"Yes and no.”-Coal thinks hard, levitates a cup of coffee, then without taking a sip puts it down again.-” How do we know the heist took place in half an hour? The timing mechanism in the vault door. Half an hour since after an intruder opened the door, setting off the alarm, to us getting there."

-"I don't follow, Coalsy."-He puts down the file and puzzlingly looks at Coal.

-"Quartermoon's magic tricks always relied on drawing attention elsewhere, careful preparations and sometimes his tricks worked from the end backwards. What if the heist never took place during the half hour? When we got there, all the deposit box doors were lying on the floor, with only half of them wide open and empty."

-"I uh...still don't follow."

-"The night guards testified the vault door was closed for several hours, ever since the bank closed. Cracking that door would have taken exactly those several hours. Our thief was inside the vault this entire time! Hours to crack if from the inside, then only a few minutes to do superficial damage to the outside! Look at the photos! One of the locks is drilled through, something that will actually make it harder to crack. And fire. The whole floor was burning."

-"So you're saying somepony somehow got inside the vault, got closed up in there, somehow cracked it all open then got outside and set fire to the place and somehow got away. Whilst carrying a whole bag of stolen goods?"

-"That would make just as much sense as to assume it all happened otherwise."

-"First, Coal, how would that pony survive that long in an airtight room? Second, why would they set fire to the building they’re inside? How did almost 40 cops not see them?”

-”I would like to say that’s elementary, but it’s not. Have you noticed that the Fire Department finally got their new gear? Noticed the big round gas tanks on the back of their uniform?”

-”Yeah, what of it?”

-”Those are compressed breathable air gas tanks, I imagine just barely enough for a couple hours to a single pony use. The fireponies use gas masks connected to those tanks to breathe in smoke filled rooms. Like the one in the bank.”

-”I think I’m starting to see it too, Coalsy! Go on!”-Nasty stood up placing his front legs on the desk looking intrigued.

-”Invisibility magic isn't all that unheard of. As much as I saw only highly trained and talented unicorns ever pulled it off for more than a few minutes.The thief uses invisibility magic to get inside the vault just before it closes. Uses a purchased air tank to breathe while they crack open the door, then sets the fire to the most smoke producing furniture they can find and leave in plain sight dressed as a firepony!”

-”Why do you think they dressed as a firepony. They could just leave using that invisibility trick!”

-”Imagine the stress they must have gone through to stay invisible before the closing and then opening that vault door. Also any changes in the air, such as smoke would make the invisibility more obvious, as from what I've seen the invisible pony’s silhouette becomes eye catch and twitchy. If they had tried to carry off the loot as well, that would have placed additional stress on the already depleting pool of that pony’s magic.”

-”So how do they get the loot? All those open deposit boxes!”

-”I've checked the ledger, they were all rented in a span of a month before the heist by regular worker ponies, that supposedly all simultaneously decided to store family jewels inside and were quite happy with the bank’s insurance reimbursement.”

-”So all that effort just to make it look like a heist? No, I remember they wrote in the papers some nobles’ stuff was stolen as well. Not to mention the few hundreds of bits!”

-”As for the what was really stolen…”-Coal looks to Nasty in an almost apologetic way.-”Do you remember, how despite every time that we busted a “brownies” storehouse, the stuff was still on the streets? And few months later, we’d bust another one. It was like F&H weren't even fazed by all the busts we did! Take a look at the wrapping on this one.”-Coal hoof over an evidence bag, which Nasty opens to reveal a white paper wrapping of a “brownie”. Nasty looks it all over and notices part of a printed stamp reading “evi…”

-”No, are you? Then that means…”-Nasty slowly shakes his head in self denial.

-”I’m afraid so, Nasty. I've checked the records. Apparently after each bust the entire batch was “driven off to a secured location and incinerated away from public”. All the deposit boxes, the sacks of bits, they all were taken as evidence. Who’s to say they ever got to the station for processing. There was enough commotion for some things to never reach the station.”

-”I...I need to think. So that’s what you meant about drawing attention…About Quartermoon’s tricks.”-Nasty sits down broken in his trust.

-”Not just. Remember I told you some tricks work backwards. I think this entire “brownies” ordeal is the attention drawing bit.”

-”What?! You think this is a foal’s play?”-Nasty stares at Coal in disbelief.

-”Just calm down and hear me out. With the ending of the Princess’s vacation coming up, all the entire police is doing is chasing down “brownies” that immediately go back to circulation, as soon as they’re found. Fishy, with all his underworld funds and power can’t keep on bringing new product in from Zebraica and it’s too complex to produce locally. I think he brought in a single shipment of the stuff, that we've been chasing ever since. I’m sure he knew from the start as soon as the Princess heard of what is going on here, he’s finished. The timing is just too convenient as well”-Coal taps his hoof on the heist file and speaks with great confidence in his words.-”I think this is all a ruse to draw our attention from the heist. I think the scroll is among the few things Fishy really wants. He has enough money and connections to hire the best thieves in Equestria and then just disappear, leaving his henchponies to take the fall.”

-”Only somepony got too smart for their own good.”-Nasty smirks.-”Otherwise our familiar scum wouldn't have gotten their hooves on that scroll.”

-”Exactly! The bad thing is, Fishy now probably has all that he wants. He must have left trails or is trying to erase them, like he was probably about to do to Ham, so I suggest we focus on the scroll.”-Coal drops the silver case from the evidence bag onto the table.

-”Don’t tell me you just realized all of this in the last few minutes!”-Nasty looks sternly at sheepishly smiling Coal.

-”Ehm, no. I had a bunch of theories. It’s just that a few minutes ago I finally managed to connect some of them together.”

-”And decided to be all dramatic on me. Appreciate the effort, Coal, but you better put it to use impressing some mare. I’m gonna go check out what ponies were at the scene that night.”-Nasty leaves, leaving Coal all excited, walking in circles.

After a few minutes Coal calms down and his mind slips to Nasty’s last words. Coal recalled how Candice was lying on his legs calling him handsome, a part of her work no doubt, but it did make him feel good, wanted and appreciated. As soon as Nasty returned, Coal talked Nasty into giving him the car for the night. Coal at in a car for a few good minutes just looking at the steering wheel, then finally placed the ignition crystal inside and drove off.

Coal sits at a bar alone, quite drunk, half listening to the music some mare in glasses is playing from two vinyl discs players with the entire club dancing to it, half trying to spot hoofsteps around him.

-”My little fillies tell me you’re looking for me, detective Helps.”- Candice sits down next to Coal and he looks over her long and smooth styled mane then her slightly smiling face.

-”I think we got off on the wrong leg...I’m Coal.”-He takes off his fedora and places it on the bar.-”And I think you’re the most beautiful, charming and precious thing I've ever seen. Got any questions? First one is free and honest!”-Coal impatiently looks into Candice’s studying eyes, she then smiles and a relieved Coal smiles back.

-”Do you dance, Coal?”-Candice takes Coal’s hat in her telekinesis and places it on her head.

-”I do, very badly.”-Coal grins as Candice takes him by the hoof and drags to the dance floor.

-”Try not to step on my mane!”

Author's Note

Plot holes and more talking heads

Lyrical Visit

Nasty stumbles into the office yawning holding a tray with a cup and several pastries on it in his mouth. He plumps down into his chair and places the tray on the table.

-"Good morning, Nasty. I see you're all up for the morning shifts week."

-"Don't get cocky, Helps. That'll be you in a couple of years."-Nasty points his hoof at himself.

-"Guess I better start drinking and smoking immediately, if all I have is a couple of years to be like you."

-"Funny...."-Nasty takes a sip from his cup and swallows a cream donut whole.-"I prefer the morning shifts. It's better to be sleepy at the start of a shift than to sleepwalk back home."

-"Anyway, you missed the briefing. I convinced the lieutenant to let the two of us question Colgate."- Nasty nods while chewing.-"I also figured you could question the foals at the orphanage, I'm no good with them."-Nasty looks questioningly at Coal as he takes a sip from the cup.-"Luna's Warm Home for the Lost"...F&H's little helpers in distribution....like the ones I in "The Flare"..."-Nasty extends his hoof towards Coal and nods.-"Where do you wanna start?"
-"At 12 Starbright Lane, Moldingwood Hills. Colgate's place. Maybe you'll even get the chance to return that favor to Jimmy."

Coal and Nasty knock on the door of a lavish two story house. They hear a weak voice behind the door.

-"Who is it?"

-"F. P. D., we wish to speak to Colgate Heartstrings."-Coal places his shield next to the eyehole in the door.

-"Ehm, uh...Just a minute, please!"

They hear some rustling and door unlocking sounds. The door handle is enveloped in a golden glow and it turns opening the door to reveal a grass green unicorn filly with a two tone mane much like Colgate's, only in shades of seaweed green.

-"Can we please come in, young Miss?"-Filly nods and Coal and Nasty walk in to the living room. Nasty looks at the filly as she closes the door back and locks it with her golden telekinesis. Nasty smiles at her.

-"That is very impressive, young lady. I have a daughter much older than you, who still can't get her magic touch to be soft and precise. What's your name?"

-"Lyra. Mom and Dad taught me to be gentle so I'll grow up to be a famous string instrument player one day, just like Daddy.”

With that she runs off only to drag back a large acoustic guitar, which she locks between her rear legs front fetlocks, placing tips of her hooves on the bridge and sits down looking extremely uncomfortable, Coal and Nasty scrunch at the sight. The filly plays a slow tune only occasionally missing or faking an accord or two by an octave. Coal and Nasty smile at her enthusiasm and talent.

-”That was lovely. Miss Lyra, can you please tell your mother we wish to speak with her.”

-”Oh, she’s at work.”

-”Are home all alone then?”-Nasty looks concerned for the filly, having an experience with leaving foals all alone to their devices.

-”No, uhm, Dad is also home.”-Lyra looks down at her hooves guiltily.

-”No! Get them off! Ah! No! No!”-A scream from somewhere upstairs makes Lyra jump.

-”Nasty, the back door! Lyra, hide!”

-”It’s ok, no, trust me!”

Neither detectives listen to her. Coal shoves the filly with his head to behind a sofa and summons his slingshot to filly’s great amazement. He runs up the stairs, while Nasty rushes through the kitchen to the back door. Coal aims the taught slingshot at different corners as he comes upstairs and to the room, from which the muffled screaming keeps coming. Taking a deep breath, he bucks the door open and rushes inside, with Lyra running directly after him. Coal sees Jimmy strapped to the bed by his entire body and a nurse with towels in her mouth, that she dropped immediately as she noticed the slingshot being aimed at her. Lyra runs up from behind Coal and stands between him and the nurse.

-”No, it’s just Daddy feeling bad, everything is ok! This is Soft Touch, she helps Daddy get better!”

-”Good day…”-The nurse’s voice shakes and she tries to swallow. Coal disspells the slingshot and smiles at the nurse.

-”No...No…I can’t, this is too much…”-Sweating Jimmy keeps hallucinating and rolling from side to side.

-”Coal, are you ok, nothing at the back….”-Nasty rushes by the stairs into the open room and takes in the sight.-”Well, that explains it, I guess.”

-”Sorry for scaring you Miss Soft Touch. Miss Lyra, can we please talk downstairs?”

Lyra, Coal and Nasty are sitting at a kitchen table with a glass of juice next to Lyra and Coal’s fedora next to him. The kitchen itself is quite barren, with a lot of half open emptied cupboards and various jars packed into cardboard boxes stacked by the walls. Nasty is already scribbling something into his notepad.

-”Is Dad in trouble?”-Lyra’s voice is shaking and her ears droop as if she were guilty.

-”Not as of the moment. Lyra, I’m going to need you to relax. We came here just to talk to your mother.”

-”Is she in trouble?”-Lyra looks up at Coal, still looking guilty.

-”I’m afraid she might be.”-Coal decides to sweeten the truth a bit.

-”That’s why we’re here, kiddo! To help her out!”-Nasty jumps in, drawing Lyra’s attention and calmingly smiling at her.-”Yes, we are. Now this stallion here is Coal, he’s going to ask you some questions. He may seem a bit harsh or angry, but don’t be afraid, he just takes everything very seriously. If you don’t like something, or want us to leave, just tell me, okay?”-Lyra nods to Nasty.

-”Lyra, I’m going to ask you some questions about your mother, if it’s fine with you?”-Lyra nods slightly.-”Is your mother at work right now? At Legendpony studios?”

-”Yes...she leaves every day at around 7. What kind of trouble is she in?”

-”She, uh...Said something that turned out to be not true. So now we want why she did that.”-Coal looks to Nasty which lifts one of his eyebrows at Coal, but says nothing.

-”I see…”

-”Lyra, can you please tell us, have you noticed anything strange about her behavior, in the last two or so months?”

-”Ehm, no, not really. She did start getting home later in the evening than usual ever since they started shooting at her work. Sometimes she is also very angry, but that’s because she has a lot of work.”

-”Shooting?”

-”Yeah, that’s how she describes it. She tried explaining why it’s called that, but I didn’t understand it, something to do with light and pictures.”

-”So, apart from her getting home later and being angrier…”

-”Not angrier, just more….”

-”Frustrated?”-Nasty throws in.

-”Yes, frustrated!”-Lyra nods.

-”So, apart from that, she behaves her usual self?”

-”Yes, I guess.”-Lyra lowers her eyes and turns them slightly to the right.

-”Very well. What about your father? Did he start behaving differently in the last two months?”

-”Yes…”-Lyra looks at her glass of juice.-”He was always...moody. Lately he got worse.”

-”Has he been violent with you or your mother?”-Nasty bumps into the conversation looking stern.

-”No, Dad was never violent, he’d never hurt a fly! He... would come and leave at random...Act all weird, like burst into song or just go to the bathroom and cry. When I asked him about it, he just said it’s because he was searching inspiration for his next work. He hasn’t recorded anything in the last few years. And…Now he’s sick.”-Lyra switches from looking at Coal to Nasty and back.-”He was gone the whole last week. When he came back two days ago, Mom put him to bed and called in Soft Touch to look after him. Soft Touch says he will get better in a few days. I...I just want him to be better!”-Lyra starts crying uncontrollably.

-”Now, now…”-Nasty picks up Lyra and places her on his legs as he sits down in her chair, stroking her mane with his chin.-”Just let it all out! We’re all friends here.”

-”I just want things to go back the way they were! Before we moved to this stupid place! I want Mom to be happy again, I want Dad to sing me to bed, I want them to stop fighting, I want to not be afraid of my friends!”-Lyra hugs Nasty and cries into his chest. He wipes her nasal bubbles and tears with a napkin Coal levitates to him.-”Please make it all better! I don’t want to be all alone!”-After crying some more, she eventually calms down and look at smiling Nasty, not noticing Soft Touch standing in the doorway behind him.

-”Well, feel better now?”-Lyra nods at him.-”You know, I was about your age, maybe a bit younger, when my family moved from Stalliongrad. I hated the new place, my parents were always arguing, everything seemed weird, I had no friends and I felt it was all somehow my fault.”-Lyra listens to him with utmost attention, as if hypnotized.-”Luckily, one day, an old mare from the farm not far from ours called me over. She asked how we were all settling in. I told her exactly how I felt. She just looked at me, gave me a sack of oat cookies and said the most true thing I’ve ever heard - “A true friend is worth more than a thousand bits. Your family are already your friends and you are already rich, even if you’ll never have any money”. I went back home and told them what bothered me. Everything. I felt much better. Then I asked them to tell each other what really bothered them. After the initial swearing and a night of fighting, they found, that the only thing they couldn’t agree on, was what to have for dinner. We were poor and afraid ponies will perceive us as poor, so we each tried our best improve, tugging and tearing away at our family. My parents decided to coordinate their efforts, rather than each try their own thing. I have decided not to even try and fit in myself and make friends even outside my age group. Things were still rough, but at least I knew that my family and those few true friends I had, were always there for me, and I felt safe and happy. When you try to fit in too much, you’ll just become an outcast. If you look for anypony to be your friend, you’ll always be alone. Just relax and do what you know and feel is right. Don’t be afraid of new things, meeting new ponies, but also don’t be afraid of listening to your heart and sometimes telling ponies to go away. So, when your dad gets better, why won’t you tell the two of them how you feel and ask them how they feel, okay?”-Lyra happily nods and wipes away the last of her tears and Nasty lowers her to the floor. There is a short bit if silence.

-"I was meaning to ask you, Mister Coal. How do you do this thing with the slingshot? Make it appear and everything."

-"You mean like this?"-With a glow of his horn, Coal summons the slingshot and it just falls onto the the table.-"It's a little trick I learned in the Military Academy. What you do, is basically reach out with your magic to something you know, like this slingshot, fill it up from the inside with your magic..."-Coal levitates the slingshot as it starts glowing Coal's yellow aura.-"Then yank it with your magic like a whip to your horn."-In a small yellow flash, the slingshot pops right by Coal's horn.-"I'm pretty bad at this, myself. I can only make it appear right by my horn, but the pony that taught me this could summon several objects to appear wherever he wanted. For my birthday he summoned a cake in my face when I was giving speech to my family 500 miles away from me."-Lyra lets out a small chuckle and Coal smiles at his memories.-"At the time I didn't find it funny though, as the cake had still burning candles and one of them got lodged in my throat because I was speaking."-He gives Lyra a deliberately stern look, then wholeheartedly laughs, making Lyra and Nasty laugh as well.-"I think I made it sound easier than it really is, but that's just the way I personally do it. It works better on objects you come in contact with everyday. What you should never do though, is try it on living ponies and animals, ever! It never ends well."-Coal thinks back to the dangerous teleportation scroll and if it works by same principles.

-"I won't!"-Lyra closes her eyes, focusing hard and her horn glows faintly. A ruffle and the sound of something falling down and breaking is heard from the living room. Lyra opens her eyes and jumps up, looking behind her and noticing the nurse. She smiles sheepishly at her.-"Oh, hello Miss Soft Touch."

-”Coalsy and I better get going now. Thank you for your hospitality Miss Lyra.”-Nasty turns to Soft Touch.-”My friend and I are sorry if we scared you.”-Lyra walks them to the door out.-”Oh, I made this for you.”-Nasty tears away a page from his notepad and gives it to Lyra. She looks at a picture perfect portrait of herself on it and smiles.-”Have your mom or dad carry it in their wallets or purses, and things will get better, I promise.”-As he leaves, Nasty waves back to a small filly smiling at him from the doorway.

-”Every time, Nasty, every time! You should have a second cutie mark of foal parenting!”

-”No-no-no-no! I already have seven of the monsters, I don’t want to have to deal with more of them!”-Nasty climbs into the driver’s seat and puts in the crystal key.-”What I can’t deal with even less, is them crying. Makes me turn over inside.”

-”Your girls are lucky to have you as a father, Nasty. I mean it.”-Coal climbs inside and shuts the door.

-”5 out of 7 of my exes are going to disagree with you. Is “Legendpony” the one by the tar swamp or the weather patrol cloud storage tower?”

-”The tower.”

The car pulls away from the house and shortly after stops moving. Coal gets out and starts pushing. Shortly after, a massive flame escapes from exhaust pipes and coats Coal in a thin layer of burnt out crystal dust which explodes slightly singing Coal and his entire coat produces smoke. The car accelerates so quickly it almost runs into a nearby house wall. Nasty pulls his head out of the door window and laughs at Coal.

-”I guess I should now call you Ember Helps!”

-”I take back all I’ve said!”-Coal shakes the burnt out crystals off himself.

-”You look so angry, there’s smoke coming out of you!”-Coal climbs back inside the car.-”All we need to do is get you some mirrors and you’ll be the just like Quartermoon!”-Coal menacingly looks at Nasty, who then loses his cheery attitude.-”We should probably get this thing checked or something.”

Author's Note

and here goes another fatality shot at the canon, though not by choice. This story dictates itself to me, what character are there and what they do, I'm just a typing slave to it. Reuploaded post rework

Meet the Dicks

A hard knock on the door. Voice behind it shouts "OPEN UP, F. P. D.!". Rustling is heard in the dark, some hushed arguing voices. Knocking intensifies and the door visibly bends inwards letting rays of light in with every bang, and just as it is about to give in it is wrapped in orange light keeping it in place. Inside the room the voices still argue and something is dragged on the floor and a female whelping is heard that shortly turns to crying as a hard slap resonates through the room. There is a flash of purple light followed by a loud boom, the orange glow around the door disappears and the door itself is sent flying inwards by a powerful shove from a large pony silhouette, that stumbles inward, immediately followed by another rushing inside with a strobe of light flashing from its horn all the while holding a taught slingshot. The light shines on a crying unicorn pony tied to a chair, with long blue tail and mane with a streak of white. The big burly pony runs to her and starts chewing through the ropes, while another runs around the apartment searching for somepony else, its strobe of light shining on various objects, clothes on the floor and a hat stand with one flat orange with red stripes hat still on it. Eventually it gives up and flicks the switch near the bust clean doorway, slowly illuminating the apartment from a single charging up yellow, flickering crystal. The two ponies are now clearly visible. One is an overweight yet obviously well built massive earth stallion reaching well past his mid years, cream colored with short white mane and nonexistent tail in a two piece white and gray vest. The other is a young gray unicorn stallion with dark mane and tail with occasional flashes of silvery white, sporting a fedora. The big stallion unties the mare that immediately drops into his hooves, and he pulls down the piece of cloth, that turns out to be a laced stocking, that was tied around her mouth and she immediately starts weeping and crying, he then with a powerful bite breaks and removes a metallic casing from her horn, which flashed blue. Younger stallion, with obvious pride proclaims:

-"Detectives Coal Helps and Nasty Melloway! You're safe, miss..."

-"Colgate, Missus Colgate Mint. Thank you officers."-Mare wipes her tears with a tissue the big stallion, Nasty, gives her.

-"It's okay, babe, just calm down."- He leads her to sit on the edge of a big messed up double bed.-"You just get yourself together, me and my partner here, we're gonna have a look around."-He walks to his partner standing by the window, looking outside into the night street.-"So, Coalsy, they got aways again, huh?"

-"Look, this is gotta be like a 50 foot drop! No emergency stairs either! They couldn't have gone out through the window!"

-"Well they ain't in the apartment either, unless we're both blind. What do you think of the gal back there?"

-"She's shaken up and hurt, what more do you mean?"

-"Yeah, sure, but I'm saying, what do you think of her...body. Just look at that mane and flank..."

-"Nasty! She's obviously a victim of abduction AND our witness!"

-"Don't get your tail in a knot, Coal! Nothing bad in appreciating a fine mare. Besides, just look! Not a single scratch or bruise on her, apart from that fresh sign on her muzzle, but even it is a light one at that! She's very well maintained, with impeccable hooficure, mane styling and even the way she sits."-Both stallions looked at the way she sat on the bed, slightly leaning back, resting on one of her fetlocks. They scrunch at the unnatural and uncomfortable sight.-"She's no ordinary mare, there's more to her. How in ever did she get to this neighborhood is going to be interesting."

-"So....what, you think Ham and Fam foalnapped her from the Hills? Doesn't make any sense! They're con artists and low bit pushers, moving up to foalnapping is stupid and unnecessary risky even for them. Anyway, why won't you call the station, while I try to piece together how our two friends lived here."

Nasty nodded and went out the doorway. Coal looked at Colgate and smiled sheepishly when he realized she noticed how he was looking her over. He then focused with and charged his horn to summon a pair of small pincers and a bunch of small white bags. Coal went around the apartment picking up various objects in his telekinesis and yellow glow, from table lights to floor carpets, occasionally placing something miscellaneous in the bags. Colgate had stopped crying and just looked at Coal with interest and nervousness. Nasty returned and nodded to Coal, and the two of them, without saying a word, dragged some cushions and sat opposite Colgate. Coal spoke, while Nasty pulled out a flipping notepad and a pencil from his vest and started taking notes by placing the notepad on his hoof's inner angle and pencil in his mouth.

-"Miss...Missus Colgate, we'll need to take your statement. My partner and I are going to ask you a few questions, please answer them as truthfully as possible."

Colgate looked nervous and leaned forward.

-"Can't we do this later? Maybe I'll come later to the station, as you can see, I'm not exactly...calm and collected yet."

-"I'm afraid not, m'am, most statements taken directly after a shocking event are the most helpful, as the mind doesn't have too much time to fill in the blanks and twist the memories to suit its own version of event. Now, please tell us your full name, place of living and occupation."

Colgate looked nervously at Coal, whose face hadn't changed in determination, then Nasty, who was scribbling something at his notepad occasionally glancing at her. She swallowed, took a deep breath and began answering.

-"My name is Mint Veronica Colgate, I live in east Moldingwood, Starbright Lane 12 and I am a musical score director for Legendpony Studio."

-"Mrs. Mint, how have you come to be tied to that chair?"
Colgate shifted her eyes down doing small semicircles with them and spoke softly.

-"I...was taking a walk through town...me and my husband were having our differences. I heard somepony running and when I turned to look...I was literally sacked. Then tied to that chair. And then you fine gentlecolts came and freed me. Never saw the two of them clearly enough, they never turned on the lights. Pretty much that's all that's to it."-She said the last sentences with a look of determination and kept looking straight at Coal's eyes, occasionally turning her eyes to the side for just a moment.

-"When and where have you been taken at, m'am?"

-"It was at The Hill's Park....sometime shortly after the first stars. I don't remember the exact spot, I obviously wasn't paying any attention to my surroundings..."

-"Who is your husband and how do we get in contact with him?"

-"...Jimmy Heartstrings...just look for that bum at the lowliest "exotic dance bar"..."-Colgate was obviously disgusted at the mere mention of the name. Coal looked at Nasty. Colgate noticed and clarified.-"Yes, The JimmyX, best guitar player this side of the Everfree. Also the biggest slime too."

-"I'm sorry for your marital problems, Missus Colgate. Let me ask you about more recent events. Do you remember anything since your abduction? Faces, sounds, smells, anything at all is going to help us get those criminals. Please, m'am."
Colgate shifted from side to side and spoke softly. Nasty's scribbling intensified.

-"Not much. They never spoke. They placed a bag and horn suppressor on my head when I was taken. I think i was brought here directly. No idea what they wanted with me."-Colgate lowers her head and speaks softly.-"Nor really want to know, I'm sure you'll understand. Can we please finish this questioning. I really want to get back home, just lie down on my bed...and pour myself something strong and bitter."

-"Of course m'am, just please sign under my colleague's written statement as being truthful to your words, and if you'd like we'll call in medical and psychological examiners to help you. A cab outside will take you wherever you need."
Nasty passes her his notepad. Colgate takes it in her navy blue telekinesis and makes a questioning grimace at Nasty.

-"Is that...a portrait? Of me?"-She turned the notepad towards the stallions, showing a photographic quality portrait of her on top of a long written statement.

-"I like to document everything, especially beauty such as yourself...m'am."-Nasty kept a self satisfied grin. He noticed Colgate blushing and decided to press on.-"I'd be more than glad to make a full body commission of yourself. If you'd like."-Coal bumped his shoulder at Nasty.

-"Well, it seems to be correct."-She signed the statement with offered pencil and headed for the exit, turning around for a few farewell word, placing a hoof on the doorway.-"Thank you again officers for rescuing me. I hope you catch those two good for nothing ponies."

Nasty and Coal watched Colgate ride off in a cab into the night from apartment window.

-"What do you think, Nasty?"

-"Bitch be lying, Coal"

-"Tell me something, that isn't painfully obvious. How'd she know it was "two of them"? "-Coal said with a slight grin. He noticed Nasty take a cigarette out of a pack that was in one of the evidence bags Coal collected, that were lying on the windowsill, and light it, and with a flick of his telekinesis threw the cigarette out the window, much to Nasty's anger.-"No messing with the evidence, Melloway!"

-"Not even when that evidence is a walking breathing pony with a fine flank, that likes to lie?"-Nasty cut Coal off and smiled at him.-"Don't give me that look, you were ogling it too. You keep being stiff like that, Coalsy, you're gonna go soft at the moment of truth."-Nasty laughed and shoulder bumped Coal as they headed for the doorway.-"You drive, Coalsy, I'm gonna take a sweet nap."

As Coal stuck the crystal key and turned it in a hole beneath the wheel, waiting for the magic powered engine to spin up the gears he looked up at the already fast asleep Nasty. He sometimes felt envious of his relaxed and no-shame attitude, but most of his raw physical power. That pony, a former underground wrestler, even out of shape, had enough strength to kick down a reinforced door with just a few bucks, something he demonstrated tonight. Coal was also envious of Nasty's intuition, also a result of his experience as a wrestler, able to read facial and body languages with ease, something that took Coal himself much concentration and was a product of years of studies for a Griffon Kingdoms border intelligence officer, his best worthlessly wasted years, as he barely had any real practice apart from the occasional smuggler or a bunch of drunk teenage ponies going on a debauchery spree on the wrong side of the border. All the drive to station, he kept thinking back to Colgate and the anonymous tipper that revealed the location of Fam and Ham. He wondered if the tipper knew about Colgate, and if the tip was even correct about Fam and Ham, as he hadn't spotted them in the apartment. The orange magic field holding the door fit Fam's aura color and strength, but that and even the evidence he found at the apartments was circumstantial at best. He doubted crime scene investigators would find anything useful, even as he filled out a form asking for them to search the apartment and another to close it up as a potential crime scene.

As he was sitting at his desk, reviewing the evidence in the bags (a chewed and broken run of the mil horn suppressor one can easily get from any black market dealer; female purple stockings used as a gag on Colgate; Ham's signature hat and one of Fam's shirts; a packet of tiny brown bricks, a new popularizing Zebra drug, more commonly know as "brownies", something Fam and Ham have apparently took to distributing lately and the whole reason Cole and Nasty were even given the case; a half empty packet of mint cigarettes; and lastly a small, silver, highly decorated metal tube, typically used for storing scrolls), occasionally having his concentration broken by Nasty's very loud snoring, the door to their office bursts open and a tall Pegasus mare with fiery red with orange streaks mane and tail dressed in white shirt tucked into a light green pants on suspenders, walks in a gives sleeping Nasty a cuff on the neck. Coal puts the bags back on the table, while Nasty rubs his neck looking at the mare and asks:

-"You wanted something, Wallsy?"-She gives him another cuff on the neck.-"Okay! Lieutenant Firewall..."

-"Any progress on that Princess forgotten scum?"

-"I'm afraid not, lieutenant. We did find a supposedly foalnapped mare, one Colgate Heartstrings..."

-"She said she's Colgate Vera Mint!"- Rusty passionately corrected.

-"Yes, her, but no F&H, though. Some generally related evidence, but nothing solid. It will all be on the report."

-"Make sure it's on my desk by sunrise, Coal."- She noticed a thick case file on Coal's desk.-"Didn't I tell you to lay off the 1st Fillydelphia's robbery? Shadowbolts handle it, Coal. They even suspect somepony's still sniffing around, you might wake up without a job!"

After she left, Nasty stood up and stretched his limbs, noding to Coal.

-"My second daughter is in the shadowbolts, she said they're at a dead end with the case. Apparently some noble is trying to cover up the whole fiasco, somepony very close to Princess. Anyway, Coalsy, I'll gonna go follow a lead."- He noticed Coal looking puzzling at him.-"That blue hottie said we should look for her husband at the nearest strip club. Only one fancy place open this time of week is The Flare. So, I'm going to go looking for him to ask why he hasn't filed a missing pony report. And if I happen to not find him immediately I may decide to stake the place. I may also get thirsty. And bored."- he noticed Coal getting up, wearing a fedora and holding a file under his pit.

-"You may also need a designated driver then. I've just have to drop this off at the lieutenant's."

Nasty was leaning against the car, smoking. As soon as he saw Cole he spat out the cigarette and stomped on it, getting into the driver’s seat. Inside he smiled at Coal and spoke with a smirk:

-”Glad you decided to relax once in a while, kid. Let me show you the way to that fine establishment.”-Nasty turned the key and the car came buzzing to life.

-”Actually I simply figured our two friends might want to relax getting away from arrest and maybe push some brownies on the side as well.”

Nasty just frowned, made gurgling noises and drove out the alley to the streets.

Author's Note

Hey there. This is my first fic here, so any advice on styling, publishing or just mistake, inconsistency and error pointing is more than welcome. I will be taking some liberties with ponies' background stories