Author's Note
Note: Original title was "xxXXxx420Dankitcklan679quicknoscopeTurndown4whutquestriaxxXXxx" but that stretches out past the ratings section, which is probably against the rules.
If you enjoy this I'll slit your throat.
8/40 Double Dank it
"And that's why homosexuals have cleaner butts than straight people." said unnamed stock teacher character as he erased the graphic buttsex from his chalkboard.
"Man, this is totally bogus," whispered Randall to his friend,"wanna smoke some weed?"
"Everyday replied Snoop Dogg as he received a lit blunt from Randall," said Randall's friend.
Randall laughed at the hilarious joke his friend made, a joke that only weed-smoking quickscopers like himself would understand. He and his friend smoked fatties for like an hour, watching their science teacher explain the benefits of a good buttfucking.
"So wanna come over and pwn some noobs like a hardcore gangsta after school," asked Randall's friend.
"Of course my homie, right after I look at more boobs in real life."
Just then, a loud bell rang, and every student got up and left the classroom. Randall and his friend went separate ways, as Randall liked to go pretend things were boobs for an hour and a half after school. He stared at rocks and made his eyes do that out of focus thing where your vision gets all fuzzy, but it really just made the rocks look like rock biter tits instead of real human ones.
Realizing that he wasn't getting anywhere, Randall decided to stop wasting his time and go to his friend's house to do something productive.
Randall arrived at said house pretty quickly, and his friend opened the door.
"You weren't out looking at boobs for very long today."
"Whatever," Randall said," I just didn't feel like lookin' at hot tits very much today."
"That's fine I guess, anyway, I got the Doritos and Mountain Dew, come inside and we will get high yet again and play Call of Duty on the Xbox, as per our defining character traits."
"These aren't character traits, they're quirks at best," said Randall in an un~~character~~quirkeristically sad tone.
"Man, who really gives a shit anymore? Lets go get high."
So they pretty much did that exact thing. They fucking got high and ate Doritos and drank Mountain Dew. After they were suitably high on barely-illegal substances(seriously nobody even really gives a shit about weed, one time in middle school, a kid tried to give me some pot that he brought TO SCHOOL but I reported him because I'm a snitch who would get shanked in jail and they didn't even care) they turned on the Xbox and started playing Call of Duty.
After getting into a gun game lobby they plugged in their mikes and laid out some phat freak-style jive.
"Haha, faggots, you're gonna get totally pwned like the noobs you are!" Randall and his friend shouted in unison.
They were immediately swarmed by a bunch of twenty-year-olds who just wanna play an M-rated game without some asshole kid screeching like a banshee for once, who basically scarred them for life.
Randall's friend cried and called his mommy, who came over and blamed them for swearing on a game made for adults. The twenty-year-olds ended up scarring the mom too because they told her that she is a shitty parent for allowing her stupid children to be exposed to such a negative stimulus, especially since she funded it. Seriously though, if I see another one of you faggots in my game lobby I'm going to find you and deck you right in the gabber ya dig? Also this fanfiction is not appropriate for children.
Eventually the mother was convinced by the adults and she took the Call of Duty game away from the kids.
Randall and his friend responded by throwing a huge temper tantrum on the floor. In response the mother told them that they could not blaze it for a week.
This upgraded Randall from temper tantrum to Faze Class Temper Tantrum Prestigeᴴᴰ which resulted in him doing a 360 every time he punched the floor.
"Noscope!" He screamed every time his fist connected with the carpet. Eventually, the Mountain Dew combined with pot and Doritos experienced a powerful chemical reaction due to the constant stirring of the 360 noscopes, which resulted in a fedora and sunglasses forming on Randall's head. Pot flew everywhere each time Randall punched the floor, and lightning struck the pot thanks to dank MLG.
The lightning lit the pot, shrouding the the whole room with the essence of blazin' it. The resulting dank caused a gravitational time ripple that tore apart the universe and rebuilt it as Equestria. The only one MLG enough to survive such a tragedy was of course Randall, who's very molecular structure was rearranged into a super badass soldier that didn't value human life and wouldn't give a shit if a rocket hit him in the wiener .
A cool narrator said "Gun game!" and Randall sprinted towards Ponyville, having to stop every fifteen seconds to catch his breath just like every trained military professional. When he finally reached the small horse town he was immediately greeted by Lyra.
"Hi there, I'm Lyra, I am apparently obsessed with humans because I sat on a bench weird."
Randall pulled out his radical laser-sighted Python Speed Reloader and blasted Lyra right in her head. The second she hit the ground the Python Speed Re-loader transformed into two Makarovs. The Makarovs had bottomless clips because Randall is a jerk who has to cheat to win. It's not my fault that he beat me, my mini-fridge was making weird chirping noises. Does anyone else have that problem? It's really distracting. Anyway, the noise attracted more ponies, which were immediately blasted to smithereens.
This got Randall up to an M16 which he was pretty hyped about.
Until he turned his head and got blasted by a big purple laser.
"What the fuck?" said Twilight as a SPAS-12 appeared at her hooves," This is bullshit, my lasers are at least a Grim Reaper."
"Come on, at least he's dead, although it would've been cooler if you did a 360 or something." said Rainbow Dash.
"Rainbow Dash, trickshots are for idiots who feel like wasting time and efficiency makes you good at video games."
"Whatever."
Unfortunately those would be Dash's last words, because Randall respawned and shot her in the chest, kicking her heart's ass with gun bullets that go bang. Randall got his least favorite gun, the Famas, which sucks and is gay.
Of course Twilight still had lasers so she killed him again.
This continued for about twenty minutes, with Randall slowly killing more ponies and getting better weapons, only to be shot with a laser every time he tried to 360.
Finally Randall had to camp in the corner, sitting down with his ballistic knife because getting killed over and over is really tiring.
"Why can't I kill that purple bitch?" said Randall aloud as he cried like a girl. "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter."
Suddenly, the lead singer of Linkin' Park appeared before Randall.
"Randall, you can't just trickshot an MLG like Twilight Sparkle, she's too #originalpro."
"Then how can I beat her?"
"You've got to trickshotᴴᴰ."
Randall kissed the lead singer of Linkin' Park right on the lips and then went to go trickshotᴴᴰ Twilight Sparkle. He eventually found her, but stayed just outside her field of vision. Then, instead of 360 noscoping her, he 360 noscope ricocheted her, shooting her in the leg. She fell to the ground, and Randall ran up to her, and he started spinning.
"360, 720, 1080." he said as he counted his spins, Doritos and Mountain Dew creating a tornado around him. He was just about to pull off the final trickshot when a booming voice echoed across the town.
"How dare you attack my subjects!" Screamed Celestia," I will tear you apart, and use your bones as Tupperware!"
Randall scoffed.
"You don't have the MLG for it loser."
In response, Celestia spun in circles and noscoped everything until she had like, fifty ballistic knives. She then fired them all at Randall simultaneously, ending gun game and killing Randall forever. Then everyone respawned except Randall, and they all smoked weed for charity.
The end.
Or is it?
Nope.
Four years later:
"C'mon guys, you're totally going to slow for me," yelled Scootaloo to her friends as she hacked away at the foliage with her machete cutie mark. It pretty much amounted to her running around like an idiot, hitting grass and trees with the side of her butt.
"Yeah yeah, hold yer horses," replied Applebloom, who was still a blank flank loser, unlike her arch-rival Microsoftbloom who had a Steam cutie mark. Also Microsoftbloom could run Flash.
"My feet hurt," said Sweetie Belle as she rubbed her feet with her hands.
"Shut up Stupid Bolle, I'm trying to help you."
"Scootaloo, for the sake of exposition, why exactly are we wandering through the Everfree Forest?" asked Applebloom.
Scootaloo turned to Applebloom.
"There's something in here, something that gave me my cutie mark, you worthless hick-shit. Maybe it'll help you stupid losers find what you're good at. God, don't you know anything? If anything magical or plot-lengthening happens it's in the Everfree Forest."
"Alright, another question: Why are you being such a dick all of a sudden?"
"It's my special talent; being super edgy all the time...religion is stupid. Oh cool we're here."
Scootaloo walked up to a large statue of a soldier eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew at the same time. Her friends just stared in bewilderment at it.
"What is it?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"It's that guy who pwned every noob in Ponyville all those years ago. All you have to do is spin around in a circle and yell 'NOSCOPE' and you will totally get your cutie mark."
So Applebloom and Sweetie Belle spun in a circle, shouting the phrase with all the heart they could muster.
Suddenly, Steve Jobs' face appeared on Applebloom's butt.
"I finally get it now; my special talent is creating inferior versions of other products, calling them revolutionary, and selling them at ridiculous prices." so Applebloom ran off to go invent the iPhone.
"My special talent is having hooves," said Sweetie Belle, and hey, her hands and feet melted off.
Suddenly it started raining sniper rifles.
"And as you probably noticed, a light drizzle of sniper rifles has come across Ponyville, be sure to wear your umbrella hats." Twilight turned off her TV(canon) and returned to her book(not canon: Twilight never reads).
"Ah Spike, there's nothing better than sitting in side and reading a book with the harsh metallic clang of hundreds of thousands of sniper rifles slamming against your giant castle."
Spike just continued drawing Rarity naked, not even giving a single poopoo about Twilight's stuff.
Suddenly Rarity burst through the door of the huge crystal tree.
"Twilight we're in super duper bad trouble! I swear I tried fashioning at it, but rifles can't wear dresses."
Twilight closed her book and calmly sauntered over to Rarity.
"Yes, what is the issue my dear friend?"
"Look at this gun!"
So Twilight looked at it.
"So what, it rains sniper rifles all the time in Equestria."
"Yes, but look closer. Not a single one of them has a scope. Also they are spinning in circles really fast. Honestly I'm surprised you didn't notice that immediately..."
"My god...360noscope."
"What?"
"Get everyone inside, I need to go get the others, meet me at the Tree of Harmony."
Eventually all of the elements converged(that word fits right?) at the Tree of Harmony.
"Twilight, ah'm not quite sure why ah waited fourty-five minutes to ask you this, as opposed to asking before we got here, but why exactly did you bring us all here?" asked Applejack, being super-honest as always.
"Randall's coming."
"What? That horrible noscoping freak?"
"Yes, and I'm afraid that Super Optic Noscope Celestia won't be enough this time. You see, if my theory is correct, Randall has been 360 noscoping even while trapped in stone, allowing him to reach critical levels of ᴴᴰ."
"You mean, 1080p?"
"Even worse, if my calculations are correct, Randall has reached a level of ᴴᴰ imperceptible to the equine eye. Randall has reached 4K."
"So soon we'll have an invisible noscoping super-madman running all over Equestria? What are we doing here then? We should be sheltering the poor ponies before they can be slaughtered, and subsequently teabagged!" shouted Rarity.
"No, he'll just find us and kill us anyway. His Invidia graphics card makes him able to sense his pray from anywhere on the planet. To defeat this monster, we have to use the Elements of Harmony."
"But what about the poor Tree?" asked Fluttershy.
"Fuck the tree."
That was pretty much good enough for all of the ponies, so they ripped the elements from the tree, and watched it die.
"Here, smoke these," said Twilight as she handed a blunt to each of the elements, "they should react with the Jewelery Ex Machina."
So each of the ponies got super high, and the pot fumes mixed with the elements to create the Elements of Weed, because that is just stupid enough for a story like this.
"Finally, now we're ready."
Elsewhere:
Randall was really raisin' hell, noscoping fools left and right like a pro.
"Oh you'll be a fun one," he said to the poor cross-eyed pony in his arms. He was about to 360, when a sniper bullet hit him right in the face.
"Not today evil doer, me and my fellow bros will like, totally defeat you," said a chillaxed Twilight, wearing sunglasses to cover her bloodshot eyes.
"Hah, you stupid fools will never be able to topple Randall the Powerful, my ᴴᴰ is so dank, that even Snoop Dogg himself would bow before me. How can you, a lowtime junky, who barely even smokes weed hope to defeat me?" monologued Randall.
Twilight just stared blankly at him.
"...what?"
"Agggh," Randall charged all of the elements, firing bullets as he spun around like a top on speed,"you noobs will never win."
The elements just dodged and fired back like they didn't even give a shit, because they didn't, they were totally blazin' it.
"Hah," they all said," nice try, but you'll never win! You are bad! You are bad and we are good! Your badness will be the end of you, and our goodness will be our triumph! Bad is bad - good is good! Bad-bad-good-bad! Good-good-bad-good, bad! Good."
Randall actually managed to listen to that speech, and foolishly allowed the elements to power up their trademark laser, except this time it was in the colors of the Jamaican flag. The beam shot out and froze Randall in his air-tracks.
"Do you wanna know why you lost?" asked Twilight.
"Not really."
"It's because although you smoked weed every day, you didn't do it with your friends. Friends are what truly gives weed and noscoping their power."
"Please just kill me."
"Pinkie Pie had the Element of Munchies, her insatiable Cheeto lust rivals that of the gods."
"I really don't care at all."
"Rainbow Dash is the Element of Goingway2quick."
"Awesome."
"Rarity is the Element of Cool Smoke Rings."
"You're actually going through the entire list."
"And, well Applejack and Fluttershy are still honesty and kindness regardless."
"Oh sweet Christ you're done."
"But me,"
"SHUT UP!"
"I'm the Element of Weed. See, Friendship is Magic, but Friendship is also weed, and weed is pretty sweet."
By this time Randall had already killed himself to escape from the crippling boredom, so they partied and smoked weed.
The end.
Or is it?
Yes.
