Introduction,
"Our history does not determine our destiny."
Boris Cyrulnik (1937-).
I wish life was a bit more simple, well I mean life as in the one we experience as individuals. The story- if you will, where we are the authors who dictates where our lives go. But of course who am I kidding? Life would be really dull if we could control it, but it's nice to think about. Who doesn't want to live an easy life devoid of tragedy, failure and heartache etc etc? Where you are the charming hero who everybody wants to know and be respected by and everything goes your way? To live with a past and upbringing that you wouldn't be ashamed to look back at. Currently I know some people who are like that, the nobles of Canterlot, my former family.
But alas we are straying from my point, Life wasn't meant to be simple.
Once upon a time ago I wished that my life was similar to this one guys, to have a painful event take place in your past that you can't move on from even if that is what Hinders you from connecting with people but still get the girl that you barely even knew for less than a year? I know Im over exaggerating but All I'm saying is why can't my life be that simple?
I may never find an answer to that. shit where the hell are my manners I was so caught up in my rant of wishing for an easy life I forgot to introduce my self.
My name is Casper Lestride, I lived pretty fast in my 25 years of life if you ask me heh heh Uh I've experienced and accomplished a lot. But to be honest, especially to my self, most of those "accomplishments" are nothing to be proud of. Not even to the most acute degree, there were times where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because of what I've done. Those are tales for another time but what I will tell you is this. At the very least I was man enough to accept what I've done instead of denying it and refusing to take personal responsibility for my actions instead of saying "I was just following orders" . Heh You should have seen Applejacks face when I told her that. If you really think about it most people can't do that, take responsibility. because they don't want to blame themselves. That fear of being Vulnerable is what keeps us from doing what's right for ourselves. In some cases.
Here's an example: say some one who has had a hard upbringing full of heartache,hopelessness and suffering and got stabbed in the back by the very person he/she thought he/she could sincerely say "I love you" to. It's the fear of getting hurt again or being vulnerable that causes him/her to shut people out when they try to get close to him/her. Pushing people away when they should've pulled.
..........and I should know.
Look I would be lying if I said I wished my life would have gone differently which makes me a total hypocrite because once upon a time I really did mean it, yes my life was horrible and difficult. No one....absolutely no one deserves to know how it feels to hold a dying girl in your arm's, barely a fucking pre-teen that might as well have been your little sister. That's how close we were. To hear her shallow raggedy exhales and inhales, bleeding to death by the bullet you were ordered to discharge. To feel her blood on your wrists trickle down your hands...... Celestia I couldn't sleep for days after I washed her blood off and watching the crimson swirl down the sink, That's when I started losing it.
No one deserves to live knowing that for the rest of their life they took a life that had potential.
To make the sob story that is my life short, I've done a lot of horrible things, I've been hurt, used, manipulated, lied to, abandoned,tortured. My past was just one big tragedy that I am, to this day, ashamed of and will probably suffer from till the day I die.
But of course if you look at me now I'm a completely different person,calm, cool, collected if not a bit quiet. Learning to live with myself wasn't an easy process but then again simply understanding that it's ok to not be ok and to not be enough was a challenge in itself. I had to break down and eliminate a shit ton of social norms that were hammered into my head growing up in the griff empire. Being born the youngest child of 4 to a family that served a noble family within the empire didn't make it easy either, how could you think against the idea that you are born a servant and that is all you ever will be for the rest of your life when you are told it constantly.
My best guess towards why I'm not an arrogant prick is because I wasn't put on top of a pedestal (metaphorically speaking of course) above other people and being brought up to believe that we were better than the common person just because I was born into a family just to mop their floors Oh yeah! Did you know I was born and raised to mop floors for the rest of my life. That's actually my special talent that I was meant to do for the rest of my life...mop floors I shit you not. That's my cutie mark and even our family coat of arms under house Lestride,a mop and bucket believe it or not.
Yup....Let that sink in for a minute.
my entire existence was meant to Carry on the family legacy of having the "privilege" of associating ourselves with House Lestride by sharing their last fucking name and cleaning up after them. There is more to this hierarchy that makes up the griff empire things that make my stomach churn to know it still happens and people just stand around and do nothing but be acquiescent but we don't need to go there. What really surprised me was the fierce loyalty my family had to house Lestride even more is that in this day in age of technological innovation we are still governed as if we were still in the dark ages when Nightmare Moon was around.
Oh yeah just so we are clear I am NOT explaining my past (or at least some of it) to evoke a sense sympathy towards me. I have spoke the truth and nothing but what I've perceived as the truth regarding my past. I don't want sympathy from you or anyone, what I want from people is understanding. Despite my nature I am just as much as a person as everyone else with dreams, fears and insecurities and maybe a bit more skeletons in my closet than others.
I know I left out some major caps like how I ended up In Equistria , my time operating under the Griff empire's agency of military intelligence (then quitting), being a griff, losing my wings. Family. Why I got disowned and exiled.
All will be explained, following a new chapter in my life (that's what I believe.) months after I moved to Ponyville from manehatten to escape the mafia after playing hero. It's hard to believe this new chapter in my life started at work.
comotose induced recollections
Chapter 1
"A man can find peace and inner harmony by finding the courage to be his true self."
"despair evaporates when we stop denying who we really are
and attempt to uncover and accept our true nature"
The conclusions of Søren Kiekegaard
Dreams are interesting things, science says that they are nothing more than experiences that the brain stitch's together to make make what we call dreams only you just can't recognize them because of how mismatched they are. While others think they have a means to tell you something about yourself that only your subconscious knows.
Either way the thought didn't make my make shift bed consisting of blankets sprawled on the wooden floor anymore comfortable.
So I just laid there watching the early morning sun spread across the paste white ceiling. Cursing as I started getting up feeling the kinks in my back crack as I stretched ,I shivered as an up draft blew into my shirtless form. Frowning to the thought that fall is almost over meaning I'll be out of a job to pay for food until winters over.
"Great."
Worse enough I barely make enough to pay for rent with my current job, which is do what ever the apple family tasks me to do around the farm. Celestia I was lucky they agreed to give me work despite my inability to come up with proof that I actually had some form of education ( funny how we can get denied so many things just for lacking material things) that's one of the downsides of being born into a servant family, we aren't entitled to an education. It might be a good idea to stop by rarity's boutique and see if she might have thrown away any cloths, because it gets pretty fucking cold in the winter and I don't have the money to pay for heat....or anything at all other than owning the house and running water. But no matter, regardless of how worse my living situation gets I will still find it in me to smile. Damn,pinkie's nature must have rubbed off on me a little, then again humor helps a lot when it comes to these kinds of situation.
Smirking at the thought as I made my way to the restroom to brush my teeth and tend to my hygiene.
Running a hand across my thick beard that covered most of the bottom half of my face and long wavy black hair. "Nice to know I still look the part, minus the house then I can call myself homeless." But just because I live and look like a homeless person doesn't mean I have to smell like one. After I was done with that and putting on the necessary materials to make my skin appear wrinkled, I put on my usual uniform every time I went outside. Baggy faded blue jeans, brown worn out boots, and a yellow t-shirt that's a few sizes to big for me under a raggedy plaid jacket. Putting the finishing touches on my head, a wonder bolts cap I Glanced out the window. People were just starting to begin their Morning commute to work while some kids were on their way to Cheerilee's no doubt.
It's been what? Seven-Eight months since I showed up? Back then my hair wasn't that long nor my beard but thankfully long enough to play the part when the opportunity presented itself.
I really wanted to stay under the radar when I arrived in this town but the one they called Pinkie Pie, (Who in my opinion is just a ball of raw energy and just annoying if you don't give in to what she wants,) ruined my hopes for that. Her bubbly nature always puts me on edge every time I'm outside, I swear it's like she's- she's everywhere! But that's what I like about her to be honest, she keeps me sharp when ever I threatened to dull, hell she's got me good a few times with her pranks to the point I almost broke character. I had to make up a medical condition explaining to her how I sound young when I'm startled. She stopped eventually after pretending to have a small heart attack. Hell She was even nice enough as a person to even throw me a party! I forgot what she called it but it had something to do with welcoming me to Ponyville. Naturally I would have politely refused to draw less attention to myself, a bad habit I developed while working for the B.M.I, but the food was free and that was the first time I actually had a decent meal for weeks at the time.
Opening the door to head out I noticed a letter placed on top of my "welcome" mat , picking it up I couldn't help but sigh. It had no return address probably, another letter from the landlord notifying me that I'm due to pay rent soon. What ever made her feel professional but Mrs. Stargleam was actually a very considerate and reasonable landlord but she wasn't charity either, her husband paid me enough visits to get the point across. Tossing the letter inside before closing and locking the door I made my way to sweet apple acres. Along the way there I would occasionally get unfriendly glares, I know Ponyville is no place for what I made myself appear to be.
Kids would laugh at me and call me silly names and even more offensive things from the wannabe gangsters that reside in this small town. They make me a bit concerned I will admit, Not for my physical well being of course. A month or two ago a group of men who looked barely out of their twenties tried to make me pay a fine for panhandling on their "street". But after a few altercations I have to keep my distance from them. Why you ask? Well I can handle a brutal beating, it was one of the things I was trained to do when I was still a puppet to the Griff Empire. But eventually those ...men...were going to end up taking things way too far and I may have been left no choice but to use lethal force to defend my life. More importantly I have an image to maintain, I can't risk blowing my cover over some assholes.
These individuals even prowl around at night hoping to find some one alone to victimize,they leave me worried because they are getting bolder and showing less regard to the law. When I investigated to find out why they do this I concluded that it's because these young male adults are frustrated by their lack of opportunity, poverty and poor living situation. But don't have the drive to change their life for the better due to laziness or incompetence. But sadly sometimes it's simply because they are inadequate in nature . It's a sad truth and brutal reality that some of these young men don't really have much of a choice but to steal or rob someone to survive but they hide behind a tough guy act because that's all they have to defend themselves. (Great now I feel sorry for law breakers)Or they can just be like me and be thankful to be alive and live off the land when necessary....just...learn from my mistake and avoid the everfree forest.
Anyways due to these new found boldness by the population consisting of troublemakers I already had to increase the frequency of my "night time walks" to every night just to ensure the safety of the public. Shit there were times where I was forced to take violent action.
(Don't get me wrong I'm not a hero,far from it, I could care less if a car is being stolen or a man runs off with a woman's purse or some one get gets mugged, People can live with out those things, but if a situation were to arise where the circumstances are deadly. I will not hesitate to prevent the loss of life. My Point is I only intervene at the risk of life.)
4 months ago some thug tried to rob a family at gun point walking home late from the local theater. Sure I took a bullet to the lower left corner of my stomach right above my hip. But when I look back at that time I think it was worth it, To know that I may have prevented the end of a growing family. Knowing that is all the reward I need. Sure I may have made the kid and his parents contemplate if the entire event was just a collective hallucination they all shared together. Who's seriously going to believe their witness statements that an old man jumped off a second story building (which was very painful by the way) and uh......do things old men shouldn't be physically capable of doing like sprinting into the night "like a track star" heh that's what the news paper quoted them saying . I don't care though, it's better that way....for them to think I didn't exist that is.
I do what I do for a reason and one reason only, the very moment I discovered this motive. Everything that plagued my mind and soul, the guilt and fear everything, Lilly's death by the bullet I shot, practically contributing to the subjugation, oppression, physiologically manipulation and systematic annihilation of an entire people. Destabilizing regions within Saddle Arabia by turning the noble family's against each thus causing more war and pointless blood shed, Being responsible for the fall of monarchies by sparking insurgency thus leading to unnecessary carnage. I would have included the time when I got my wings ripped off my back when I was captured then tortured/interrogated by freedom fighters while serving in the regular armed forces within the griff empire but I think that needed to happen if you ask me, that experience made me wonder who were the real monsters, them? Or us?
It all became...transparent...weightless then clear, Like it never tore me apart from the inside out in the first place. Don't misunderstand, I didn't make all the wrongs and mistakes I've done in my life disappear. They still exist and always will remain seared into who i am I can assure you that.
It's just that....
My soul is now pure and brimming with emotion no longer a void blackened by my past,
My broken chained up heart of cold lead, no longer weighted down by my sorrows and locked shut by the fear of pain, now it is weightless and warm finally able to open up to and embrace someone once more.
My mind is now clear and whole, no longer clouded and shattered by all the negative things I'm responsible for.
Suffering ceases to be suffering the very moment you discover a meaning for it. To save one life at a time and commit acts of what's right for the hope of redemption for all the wrongs that I've done in my life when ever I can so I can die proud knowing that I've saved more lives then taken. That's why I prefer working behind the scenes instead of milking my positive accomplishments for the glory, sense of recognition, or simply to be able to call my self a hero. No I wouldn't do that, it would simply nullify the entire reason of me doing it.
I know I'm no where near reaching this goal of mine. I never will, I can't save and bring justice to them all and there are plenty of us around this world already so it's contradictory for me to say that who cares if a few people die out of a group of a hundred thousand? When I talk about saving lives to redeem myself but death is an everyday fact of life, it happens. I'm just being real with you and myself, there is no such thing as good or evil, only an opinion that is backed up with a way of looking at it. Or so I believe, I'm sure some one will prove me wrong sooner or later so I can improve my mindset. The way I see it I'm just a person with a horrible past but that doesn't mean I can't strive to obtain a better future....yeah and that's how I can live with myself, living by a motive that I don't really strictly enforce myself to actually live up to. I told you that I was going to tell you my story but I'm not going to sugar coat it so you can find me likable or cool. That would be severely fucked up.
Anyways I would've gone to a hospital to treat my bullet wound that night but that would've blown my cover, and I don't have the bits to bribe the medical staff. Besides I know how to administer the proper medical attention to pretty much anything if I have the right equipment, Oh yeah, when I mean anything I'm pretty much talking about ballistic wounds, broken and/or fractured bones, severed and/or blown off limbs, burns of any degree, severed arteries. Mostly simple things you are bound to have afflicted to you eventually in the B.M.I S.A.D S.O.G. But if some one needs a tracheotomy or an intestine transplant.....nothing I can do for the poor bastard, I'm a valuable asset to have in certain situations but useless in most heheh .
"Hey old timer,lovely morning isn't it?"
Looking down from watching the fall leaves it was the lovely Lyra heartstrings, one of the few people that weren't ass holes towards what I made myself appear to be, she was driving slowly next to me in her car until I stopped.
"H-ahhem"
Fuck almost blew my cover there.
"Why hello there young lady, yes it is a splendid morning indeed ha-ha."
"It's Lyra, Mr.Casper".
I smiled in return. "Yes, yes I know dearie who can forget your pretty face with that gorgeous hair, Bon Bon is a lucky woman indeed."
With another proposition of her driving me to work I adamantly refused, I'm sure you must be interested why I'm pretending to be an old man with a voice similar to that of one gargling marbles? Well it's mostly a matter to protect myself and others, ever since I tried to play hero by taking on one of the largest criminal organizations within manehatten long story short I bit off more than I could chew, I was lucky to get out of that city with my life and my gear,which I have hidden under the floor boards back home just in case I need them. You will be surprised by the ridiculous but dangerous shit that happens in this town. Further more Call me a hypocrite but I actually do want to drop the old man act despite its effectiveness, everything I've done, the baggy clothing,to cover up my build thus giving me the appearance of being scrawny, slouching constantly to reduce my height and make me seem weak and frail, change my voice to sound older, wear aesthetic make up to make me appear older, long hair and bushy beard to hide my smooth skin. Wear contact lenses that change my gold color eyes to black, basically taking every measure to ensure I don't look interesting and not draw attention to myself and blend in plain sight of course I may have chosen the wrong town to lay low in, but this place is nice compared to where I used to live in the slum district of Manehatten.
Why do I do this even though it's wrong to look like some one I'm not? Basically lie to them with my appearance? In my defense the opportunity presented itself where I could make myself seem weak, stupid and an utter coward with no regard for anyone but himself. Yes I have willingly put myself in situations cementing my image as the town idiot, an old geezer who's slowly losing it to Alzheimer's, Surpassing miss Ditzy Do in everything that made the poor girl teased for. I failed to mention the nature of what I did in the Bureau of Military Intelligence, in the matter of saying what needs to be said. Making myself inconspicuous and being the last person people would look at when shit hits the fan as a threat was part of the job. I'm not going to lie , though I feel horrible for lying about my appearance but I'd rather be secure then sorry.....I think.
Work.....it's just the same shit just a different day, catalogue the bays of hay Big Mac collects, feed the animals. Nothing too physically stressing, I think you can guess why. Entering the Apple Family home to find applejack to tell her that I've finished and was about to leave. I could've swore I heard hushed whispers and multiple creaking of the floor board then a discharge of magic. Now more Silence.....I realized I paused mid-step to listen, old habits die hard, I need to be careful when it comes to that. As I Walked forward toward the kitchen I noticed a note on the dining table written to me.
"Great."
Making my way to the barn i can only guess why applejack would want to hang out and "talk" no doubt trying to make me say something about myself. By the way Applejack has always been the most.......open to me then her other six friends . Don't get me wrong I've had my run ins with those girls plenty of times with the subject of my origins always raised, well four of the six, Rarity can't stand to be near me for reasons I never bothered to investigate, the pegasi with rainbow colored hair simply simply never bothered interacting with me and avoid me. In all seriousness something tells me she has a problem with older males probably something to do with her upbringing I only hope it's not what I think it is.
The thing that bothers me with those girls is that they have been nothing but kind to me (four out of six wise) and even confronted me with their personal issues. Most likely because I seem elderly and might have the adequate "wisdom" to help them when they are too lazy to figure their predicaments themselves. I have helped them but not in the way they wanted to I guess , I didn't tell them what they wanted to hear , I told them what they needed to hear even though it may be hurtful. In retrospect I should have simply thought up a story and told them that, that's where my sense of awareness kicks in, I will lie to them about how I look but I will not mislead them by lying to their faces about who I am.
I feel really shitty....living a lie and all. I'm a person with social needs but how can I fill them when I'm just this Zany, foolish old man? I thought it would be easier to exist as this person. Sure I would have a fuck ton of questions breathing down my neck that would never be answered but I would be able to start fresh with this new alias. Talk about identity crisis huh? But even when I try to continue my life here as this old man I will probably regret it. I shouldn't have to hide behind a fake identity but honestly it's not even like that. I haven't said anything other than what I need to say to anyone. I told them my real name and only that, so this isn't really much of an identity crisis more of an choose to act my age or not crisis, either way I have need. No, not sexual needs those can be managed. I mean relationship wise.
"Uh, Sugercube are yah feeling alright there?"
"Huh"
Hold on how long was I standing here just lost in thought? doesn't matter. Right now I need to do something that might not end very well.
"You've been just standing there an-".
"Applejack,I have somewhat of a major confession to make."
I need to break this to her gently, so I still spoke in my old man voice, Applejacks features...soften? She's exhaling for extended periods of time, possibly relieved I could be wrong she seems a little stressed out over something ? I should probably talk first again.
"I just want you to know there is a reason for me not opening up."
"Ah know Hun, but Ah have something important to tell y-"
This is interesting it may seem she may have her own motives but no where near a relationship, friendship? We both have been people who just knew each other at work, but she has opened up to me revealing rather sensitive information in the past. I knew better, she was making herself vulnerable to me. Why? I don't know but she has had nothing to show for pushing herself out of her comfort zones.
" we've been worried somethin fierce about you and ah think you should go live in a nursing home instead of that apartment, you are barely about tah support yourself."
Wait.......what? In my defense I chose to barely stay afloat, Either by my face of confusion or by my silence she continued But this time with more tone suggesting she didn't want to be the person doing this.
"Your age is getting tah yah that's all, you're forgetting important stuff like where you're from or anything that has tah do with your past.
And I'm sorry to tell yah this but it's just how it is you"re not the sharpest tool in the shed, you end up tumbling but sooner or later you'll hurt yurself I like in the past Ah appreciate you pretended that you're alright but me, Lyra-"
So me choosing not to lie to them and instead say nothing at all is leading to them thinking I need to go to some damn nursing home.
Cute.
"-That's why we all gathered here because we care for yah and we decided that this is whats best."
Oh well this is just swell, confessing that I'm not a real old man to not only to A.J but to the entire main six while I'm at it, at least pinkie pie looks like she's genuinely sad, but then again I'm not going to a nursing home. Worse enough I may have affected someone's emotions.
"So..this is what this all about? Huh? Well this is going to be an interesting afternoon."
"Casper ah know you may be a little upset about this but th-"
"Upset? " I make a humorless laugh then proceed talking as if everything's all good.
"No noo, I'm not upset....can I just proceed with my confession?"
"Look we should probably move this along applejack dear ."
I felt two pairs of hands grabbing my arms and leading me away, thank Celestia's these guys aren't that built or I would have had a problem.
Shit if I'm going to do something it has to be now.
"Applejack I shit you not I had a reason for not saying anything about me!"
I started struggling and continued. "I may lie to you about the way I look but I wouldn't lie to you about myself so I said nothing!"
What? She's ignoring me? Well no shit she,along with everyone else thinks I'm a crazy old man so no shit.
Why did I not see this coming?!
"I'm not who think you I am!"
Living with what I've done in the past is difficult, I know damn well that I can overcome it. I've already found meaning through the hardships that I've experienced. I've Found strength within those experiences instead of letting them get the better of me, and use it to move defiantly forward with my life. (No matter how many times I tell myself this it still doesn't make my life any less filled with bullshit, but of course right now at this moment in my life this saying doesn't apply to me because I already moved on and I brought this on myself in the first place)
This time I spoke with my normal voice, well some what normal. Ok I somewhat forgot how I normally spoke, I was so used to using that old man voice Anyways I broke free from the nursing home people or who ever was trying to drag me away and fortunately they backed off, probably from surprise.
You know those moments when something happens that is so unexpected people don't believe it happened....every one is just speechless.
"I'm not who you think I am."
Comfortable with my current voice I stepped forward towards applejack and her friends who still seemed to be dumbfounded. This is what scared me the most, not knowing how they might of reacted when they knew the truth. The rainbow haired girl flew somewhere above the barn, but Ignored her. I solely focused my attention on Applejack, thinking carefully on what I was about to say next I chose the firm approach.
"Lo-"
That was all I could've said until I got hit in the head with something very hard, so hard that it had enough force to knock me unto the floor, I wasn't unconscious but who ever hit me wanted me to be. I could hear a panicked voice that was slightly muffled.
"Dash! Why did you do that?!"
" Oh I don't know twi, maybe because he's a spy!? I always knew something was off about him."
"We don't know that, there has to be a very reasonable and rational explanation for this, regardless you didn't have to hit him with a shovel!"
"Yes it does, he could be dangerous."
Feeling extremely groggy from the sudden impact, I found it hard to think maybe because I got hit with a huvel....a luvel? Cuvel? What ever it was I better try to get up
"Relax darling, obviously we are dealing with some one who certainly knows what he is doing. Why I'm shocked- shocked to discover that this...person was capable of deceiving us, especially yours tru-eek! He's getting back up! Quick Rainbow Dash hit him again with the shovel!"
After a few failed attempts of knocking me unconscious with what ever the hell I'm still getting hit with, I managed to get back on my feet before I was knocked back down.
"Just-stay- down- already!"
That was all I heard the rainbow haired woman grunt between the metal clanging sound of what ever I was getting hit with while the purple haired girl was looking pretty shocked at what was taking place, I couldn't really focus on what the other girls were doing because my vision became blotchy and blurry.
CLANG!
Next thing I knew everything went dark.
