Unsinn

by TwilightWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Crossover
Length: 3244

Ectzekiel Parsley is a human assassin of the year 3046, that works for a business for killing people. One day, Ectzekiel failed miserably in an incredibly important assassination. Because of this, he is punished the most annoying way possible.

Ectzekiel Parsley is a human assassin of the year 3046, that works for a business that gives out assassination contracts to mercenaries willing to kill to get their pay. Ectzekiel however failed miserably in an incredibly important assassination. Because of this, he is punished with, a species change, and being knocked through a worm hole by his boss into another dimension. Now, he is passing his time by beating things up, and telling everypony, and a certain bug, that he hate's them.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-13 04:33:16 UTC

Chapter 1

When I was thirteen, I told my parents that I wanted to go to a martial arts school, and learn how to defend myself. I kept on asking them, and asking them, and they always said no. But that never stopped me. Eventually, as I kept on being a whiny bitch, they finally said yes, and sent me to a martial arts school that taught Ninjutsu.

I immediately excelled at the sport, being able to be an even match for a black belt, at green belt. I even beat one of the teacher's assistants in a sparring match. If what you call pinning a black belt down constantly in a practice sparring match a win. I usually don't. The assistant I was sparring with got extremely angry that my, "natural" skill, descended his. It took a while, but his rage allowed me to find more flaws in his technique and pin him down. The teacher took it from there.

I do not believe that natural skill exists, but I believe that skill can be acquired through hard work and determination. I wouldn't have become as good as I was if I had seen my world as one where no one could get anywhere because they didn't have the naturally acquired skill. I believe anyone can be anything if they wanted it desperately. So the winner in the end is the one with the most determination.

In that fight, the assistants frustration caused some of it to flow into me. I wanted to hurt him badly for how stupid it was to be angry over pride. But I didn't. I showed mercy instead. I didn't want myself to be angry, and force that anger onto someone else, I needed to be calm. The next day he came to me and apologized for his fit of rage, and said he'd never do it again. In that moment, it showed me what mercy could do for people, what it could make them realize. If I had beat him up, than we would've become rivals, and hated each other, but because I showed him mercy, I made a friend instead. That made my day.

The more and more I got into martial arts, the more and more I wanted to become like my teacher, Master Patrick. He was a somewhat plump man, but still seemed to be fast and in shape. He had thin eyebrows above his blue eyes, and side burns to make him look like a badass with his "wolverine" hair cut. But above all things else, his love and discipline for us was my favorite thing about him. He always wanted us to test our limits, and I had no problem with that. I pushed my limits to begin with. When I got charlie horsed in the thigh (a pain that would make some of us cry a bit) during sparring, I sucked it up and kept going. There was nothing I couldn't suck up in that school.

Then I started slipping away from my parents, my loved ones, and my relatives. I became so sucked up in martial arts, that before I knew it, I was an assassin working for AKA, and my parents were gone. The worst about it is that I disappointed my mother and father. And now I'm stuck with nothing but time, people to kill, and my regrets.

I did make new friends at AKA. Those of who are gone for a long amount of time. But now I'm stuck here, in the pony land called Equestria, with a changeling named Nich, and a major species change, wondering "Where did life go so wrong", and a several hundred more questions bouncing around in my mind.

By the time I had arrived at the changeling, Nichs, "hideout", I had already screamed and cursed my fear and surprise out of me. I was a little fascinated at first by the new place and the species change, but when you scream out everything you have and calm down, all you have is nothing, or questions. For me it was questions, and afterward it was the partial need to kill myself.

The land of Equestria is inhabited by three different types of ponies, pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies. Each race has its own special power. For pegasi it's controlling weather (and flight of course), unicorns can use magic, and earth ponies... farm. Each of these races use their abilities to maintain balance within their continent... or island. Nich didn't tell me how large the body of land was.

As for me, I was an earth pony with a dark red coat, and an orange, and red mane. Because apparently, ponies can be born naturally with highlights. Makes me a little jealous. On my flank there was a knife, one of my favorite weapons, and a blood stained piece of cloth skewered on it for some reason. Nich said it was a "cutie mark", something a pony gets when he/she finds a talent that is specific to them. He also told me I'm a moron for asking the question. I sort of liked the tattoo. It was neat to have the knife and all but why a piece of cloth? Perhaps it was because of the wristband that I always carried on me as a kid.

"You got all that?" Nich asked, a bit exhausted from his lecture about Equestria.

I was trotting around in a circle almost the entire time during the lesson, practicing moving around in this new body. I was getting a little tired from doing my exercise, so I sat down in front of Nich before giving my answer. "Yeah. Got it. Oh!" My eye lids slammed fully open, remembering a question that Nich forgot to answer when we first got here. My eyes turned back into their regular state when I began to talk. "One last question: Where are my balls?" I asked the question with the words spaced out a bit, sounding a little sarcastic, even though I wasn't.

Nich looked at me, mouth wide, and his right eye twitching. He was obviously dumbfounded by the question. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he shook his head and answered the question. "It's uuh... retractable..."

I wasn't sure if I was surprised, or disgusted. It made sense with all the naked people everywhere but... retractable? I didn't want to over think it.

"Are we done now then? Good, I don't want to have to repeat myself." Nich said. "Now let me ask you something. Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"

I sighed. "If I told you how I got here you wouldn't believe me, trust me. But I came from another galaxy probably. Unless we're in the same one. That or another dimension. I really don't know. By the way, why am I still here in this dumpy ass house?" I pointed at the uneaten cheese pizza that was becoming moldy to my left. There was actually trash and either partially eaten, or uneaten food everywhere.

Nich gave me a perplexed look, but then walked over to the couch and lied down on it. "I told you; you figured out my identity so your my hostage until.... something." Nich opened a pizza box that was on the couch arm and pulled a non-moldy pizza slice out and began to eat it. "Besides, this isn't my "dumpy ass house", this is my secret hideout." Nich finished with pride, his voice muffled a bit with pizza in his mouth.

I put on a bored face and said, "Woe is me, your hostage. For I am in binds I can not break, and within doors I can not open.".

"Shut up."

"It stinks in here."

"Suck it up, you'll be here for a while."

"Do you have a guest room? I'm tired."

"Go ahead and use my room, it's down the hall to the farthest left. I'll be sleeping here on the couch like I always do because reasons. *Burp*"

As I walked to the hallway, to the changeling's room I said, "What a hospitable captor.", with a smirk.

The changeling said nothing, but as soon I was out of his sight, he smirked, and I yelled. "AAAAAAAAAHH!!!!"

....Just when I thought this place was going to not be what I had expected to be.

The next morning, I woke up outside of Nich's (disgusting terrible moldy abominable awful repulsive satiating ect.) room, and decided to sneak past him to go walk outside to see what this world had to offer.

I was standing at the front door that I made slightly ajar with a smirk on my face. Nich was lying lazily on the couch, trying to keep me from leaving. His efforts were obviously to no avail.

Nich reached a foreleg out to me, and said "Don't you go out that door!"

I smirked even wider as my giggles grew in frequency. "Ima doit."

"Don't you doit!"

"Ima doit."

"You are my hostage! And you must obey!" Nich said with a pathetically determined look on his face.

"I ain't have no captor!" I said with confidence, "I got no guy who can call me their bitch!". I opened the door a bit more and began to move my body through it.

"I-I-I I said don't doi-aaand he's gone..." Nich just lied there, and did nothing but embrace silence.

His mind was now empty, full of no ideas. He knew that I'd just left, but nothing came to mind. He turned himself toward the ceiling, his belly facing up, and took a moment to analyze the situation. "I just let him go didn't I?", Nich thought aloud. "Damn."

I had already learned a lot of things yesterday from the changeling, including to stay away from a rainbow maned mare named, "Rainbow Dash". She was the pony who screamed "CHANGELING!!!" at the hospital I woke up in.

The town was a lot nicer than Nich described and what The Boss wanted. Lots of nice ponies waved and said "hello", or "good morning", as I passed. I found it kind of annoying to greet every single pony who greeted me, so every once in a while I'd pretend I didn't hear one of them. Other than that, there was a lot of stands, stands, cafe's, stands, sweet shops, stands... and stands. I also found a library, but I didn't pay much attention to that because I was never a fan of books. In each shop there was a lot of commerce and trade going on. Nich told me that the currency here in Equestria was, "bits". They're basically golden coins. However, they can only be those crafted by the government. Otherwise they have to be traded in for bits.

All these pastries and treats being carried around by these ponies were making my mouth water. Of course I knew they weren't going to give them away, these were some good quality treats from what I could see. I needed some of these bits. I needed a job. Which brought me to my previous job as an assassin. How I loved the thrill of almost dying sometimes. It always gave me an adrenaline rush nothing else could give me. Not the blood, or gore, nor death gave me this rush, but everything before it. The stalk, the pounce, the optional fight, and the kill. Then there was the escape. Not my favorite part, but still very fun. I get to experience the excitement of outsmarting my opponents through smoke, fire, water, and something else that's a ninja tactic. Then, at the end, I get to see their dumbfounded looks from inside a vent, corner, or another hiding spot. Good times. But now, I'm here, in this world, and I can't decide if I hate it or love it so far.

Eventually, I stumbled upon a stand that caught my attention. It didn't exactly look like a stand though. It looked like four sticks with a large purple blanket on top. It had two lit torches on either side of the entrance (even though it was complete daylight out), and a sign on the top of the doorway saying, "Task and Craft: You kill stuff and I make you weapons". Seemed a bit too convenient to me, but I wandered inside the bed fort anyway since I liked to kill certain things for profit.

As soon as I stepped inside I was surprised with how dark it was. Sure, there were candles on tall metal stands, and the sun from outside, but it didn't seem to illuminate the room enough. It felt all moody and dark now, like I was in a fortune teller's bed fort.

"Hello friend, and welcome to Task and Craft." A pony in a cloak said in a rough, Spanish accent from behind a wooden counter. He sounded male. I couldn't see his complete face from behind his dark cloak, but I could see a few features from his green, squarish shaped muzzle sticking out. "May I help you?" He finished.

I walked up to the counter, which only had candles on it. How did this guy make weapons? Did he have the equipment somewhere else maybe?

I looked at the pony where I thought his eyes might have been and spoke, "Hello. Um...". I actually forgot why I was here. Perhaps the title of his shop was just intriguing?

"Would you like to purchase something for an errand? I assure you they are the highest quality weapons." I saw a smile appear in the pony's muzzle.

I hesitated for a moment. Did I want a weapon? If I did have one, what would I use it for? I just said the first thing that came out of my mouth. "Sure."

The pony stood a little straighter. "Alrighty then!", he put his sleeved elbows against the top of the counter, "I have one task that no pony has ever been able to complete. All you need to do is kill a manticore.".

I just bunny hopped from anticipation. All I had to do was kill a creature from ancient earth mythology! And it would be easy! I've dealt with many stronger beasts before! I'm pretty sure I can take on a lion with a human face, wings, and a scorpion tail.

So without much hesitation, I almost yelled, "Yes!".

The pony's mouth opened slightly, most likely in shock, and said "Are you sure? I haven't quite-".

"Yes I'm sure! I haven't had a good fight with an animal in ages." My face was full of excitement for this job.

"Well alright then boy. Just don't tell me I didn't warn you." I saw a green glow appear from the top of his head, and then a waiver with a quill appeared with a flash on the counter when the light went down. His horn glowed again, and at the same time a green glow highlighted a line on the paper. "Sign here please."

I didn't care what the paper said, I wanted to kill something. The only problem was that I didn't know how to write with hooves. I stood there awkwardly for a moment, and did nothing. I also lost all my enthusiasm.

"....Are you one of those earth ponies who don't know how to write?" The cloaked pony said.

I looked at my red, equine body, and thought randomly, "How am I going to fight in this body?", then I turned back to the pony and nodded my head. I didn't feel shameful, I had a reason I wasn't able to write. It might seem asinine to most ponies here, but it was a reason.

"Fine." The pony turned the paper towards himself. "What is your name?"

"Ectzekiel, Ectzekiel Parsley." I said.

The pony looked down toward the paper and wrote my name down. It made me curious, did he know how I write? Or is there no difference from print and signature here?

"Alright done." The pony rolled up the document and *popped* it out of existence. "Now, some information about this mission."

I sat down to listen. These info lectures took a while but I learned that they can be useful a lot of the time.

"Now, what you're looking for is a certain manticore named, "Pawthorn". Pawthorn is a larger than normal manticore, with a large white scar on his paw. He is at least three times the size of a normal manticore. I will be giving you a kunai to kill him. It's a special kunai that absorbs the soul of the victim, or the wielder of the weapon when he or she dies. I enchanted the weapon with the best magic I have, just to absorb the soul of the manticore. So far it has at least 16 souls from... failed attempts."

I gulped, and thought over my probably unwise decisions for a moment. "Wait, what does the waiver say?" I asked, my pupils starting to shrink a bit.

The pony smirked, and giggled. "It says that if you die, your soul is mine. You will not be laid to rest, instead, your soul will be inside that kunai. It also says I am not responsible for any death, injury, or basically any incident that may happen within this scenario is legal. Anyway."

If my pupils could disappear as a result of fear, they'd be gone baby gone.

The cloaked pony activated his magic and brought a black kunai from under his counter and set it in front of me on the counter. It was a pretty standard looking kunai. Thick blade, that weird sports tape around the handle, and a ring on the opposite side of the blade.

"Go ahead,", the pony began again, "take it into the Everfree forest and get me the manticore soul. Or yours. Afterwards you might get a neat looking weapon.".

In that moment, I hated myself. I hated myself for going into this bed fort, I hated myself for signing that waiver, and I hated myself for missing the Emperor's throat when I was asked to slash at it.

I cursed myself again and took the knife in my mouth. I jumped a little when it glowed a faint purple and hissed at me for a second. I turned with my head drooping down. "Thank you, come again!" The pony said mockingly as I walked out of the bed fort.

So, with that, I walked toward the deep dark Everfree forest with nothing but a soul eating knife, and a clueless brain, thinking, "Why did I agree to that job? I don't even know how to fight in this body. In fact how do these ponies use weapons made for hands! Maybe I could develop some sort of human-pony cross martial art? Or learn how to hold things with my hooves?...."

If I made it back alive, I was going to punch something in the face. Probably Nich.

Prologue

Am I a gladiator? Am I a... pawn? I often ask myself these questions. At A.K.A. we feel like it. He treats us like it. The Boss. A cruel, million pound lump of white elephant flesh in a suit. The bipedal monster gives us no mercy. Neither are we to our victims. Countless lives have been killed by us. Though we try to make it as clean as possible. We are called his pawns often. The