Dastardly Duke Of Discordia

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 3711

Discord interrupts the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant to regal the audience with the "true" tale of what happened so long ago. Of course, this story is completely historically accurate. No doubt about it.

Stop and be amazed by the true tale of Hearth's Warming Eve! Listen upon the narrative told from the one and only Discord, who does not muddle the history with lies enacted upon those villainous princesses! Be seated, relax, and prepare yourself for the true story of how Equestria—or rather, the land's correct name, Discordia—was made!

Big thanks to my amazing editors Maskedferret and SirTruffles for all their wonderful help!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-08 21:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1: You Know Nothing, Twilight Sparkle

“Welcome, everypony, to the annual Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant!” Spike said to the crowd, the rousing sound of hooves hitting the ground in applause following this. “I’m happy you all made it, and now prepare yourselves for the performance of a lifetime!”

“Wait!” a voice called out from the crowd. Discord got out of his seat, having appeared out of nowhere, which caused some of the audience to shriek in surprise. “I protest to these false tales upon this holiday!”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Discord, not to be rude or anything, but you need to be seated so the play can start.”

“You need to be seated! This entire playhouse needs to be seated!” Discord threw his soda at Spike, covering him in the fizzy yet sticky drink. “The seats of oppression shall not take my voice away from the truth!”

Wiping some soda out of his eyes, Spike sighed. Turning to the shadows of the curtain, he called out, “Twilight, we have another Discord problem! It’s your turn to deal with it!”

“Ooh man, I already had to deal with it last time!” Twilight trotted across the stage, narrowly avoiding a popcorn bag thrown at her head. “Discord, stop throwing junk food at me at once!”

“This is a free country!” Discord replied, revving up to let loose a salty pretzel.

Twilight frowned, a barrier of magic appearing around her once Discord let loose the pretzel, the artery-clogging snack food splattering atop it with not a stain on Twilight. However, once the barrier was gone, there was no stopping the added cheese dip covering the pretzel from drenching her head.

Growling under her breath, Twilight used her peasant rag clothing to wipe off her head. “But as princess of this here country, I have the right to throw you out of this playhouse if you continue with this ridiculous behavior.”

Discord booed, shaking his fist at her. “You don’t have the guts!”

“I don’t need to. That’s security’s job!”

“There will be no draconuequus-handling this evening,” Discord proclaimed, snapping his fingers and disappearing in a large cloud of smoke, to only reappear ten feet away onstage in an even bigger cloud of smoke.

Coughing, Twilight said, “Damnit, Discord, we’re trying to entertain ponies with our pageant, and you’re ruining it!”

“Nonsense. I intend to help you with the entertainment bit.” As the smoke cleared, Discord could be seen sitting in a lavish loveseat, dressed in a shoddy-looking bathroom robe covered in ducks while sipping a bubblepipe and holding open a book. “For now I shall tell the true tale of Hearth’s Warming Eve, and more importantly, how Discordia was made.”

“Don’t you mean Equestria?” Twilight asked, before she winced. “Wait, Equestria was never made! It was merely founded.”

“That’s what they want you to think.”

“...I’m afraid to ask who they are.”

Discord stretched his neck out across the stage so that his mouth was right beside Twilight’s head, while his eyes popped out of his sockets and rolled across his skull to keep a careful lookout. “You know. Those who stay in the darkness, enveloped by darkness, spreader of evil and dread.”

“Tax collectors?”

“Close. Historians.”

Twilight arched a brow.

“They’ve been muddling history for generations now, spreading lies in textbooks and lectures everywhere! Lucky you have me to set the record straight!” Opening his book, Discord smiled to the audience and said, “Now, who’s ready for the best Hearth’s Warming Eve tale ever?”

The audience collectively answered by getting up out of their seats and heading for the exits… only to find that bars as thick as a pony’s foreleg had appeared over them, blocking their way out.

“Now, like I said, who’s ready for the best Hearth’s Warming Eve tale ever?” Discord flipped to the first page of the book and said, “Too bad, starting it anyways!”

Twilight groaned, stepping down from the stage and making her way to the seats out front. Spike was already there, having wiped himself off using his bowtie.

“I can’t believe we have to put up with this,” she said, sitting next to him.

Spike shrugged, stretched, then put his hands behind his head. “Eh, beats the play at least.”

“Spike, how could you say that?”

“By using words, Twilight, sheesh.” He rolled his eyes, and then closed them as a yawn escaped his jaws. “At least now it’s appropriate to catch a few z’s during the performance without ridicule. We’ve been traded one borefest for another, except this time you can actually sleep through it.”

“Spike, you can’t just—” But Twilight’s words were lost on him, for he was already deep in sleep in a dream much more entertaining than the story about to be told. “Spike, Spike, wake up!”

“Shhhhh!” Pinkie whispered to Twilight, appearing right next to her with a soda and popcorn in her hooves. “The story is about to start.”

“Pinkie, how’d you—”

“Shhhhh!”

“But—”

“SHHHHH!”

“I… never mind.”

Pinkie happily munched on her popcorn while Twilight slinked in her seat, the completely historically accurate tale just about to begin.

Once upon a time—or age, date, century, we don’t really have to get into specifics—there was a land filled with creatures gifted with awesome magical abilities. So great were these magics that the creatures could perform spells that bent nature to their will, make even the most fallow lands turn green, and control the weather itself. The creatures were gods of their realm, so powerful that all everything was subjected before their will.

Of course, someone had to put a stop to such a daunting threat. Why, if these creatures were allowed to do whatever they pleased, the very fabric of the space time continuum, physics, laws of nature, the stock market, and the value of money on an international scale could become warped beyond repair! And if that happened, bubblegum sales would plummet!

Which is why there was only one person for the job. Mind you, he wasn’t exactly a person, per se. Why, he was so attractive, womenfolk across the land sung songs of his handsomeness daily, while men fought in wars of the most bloodchilling and destructive nature just for him to grant them his favor. He was no mere person, no, he was something greater! Reality was his servant that bent to his needs whenever he wanted! He was, for lack of better words on a higher vocabulary level I am not experienced with, a god!

And that god’s name was Discord!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: if these magical creatures from before were to be feared because of what they could do, why shouldn’t this guy be? Now, I’m going to come right out and say you should ask more original questions in the future, but really, this story isn’t about you, is it? No, this is about Discord, who is a god among mortals, a mountain among molehills, an inferno among candlesticks, an ocean among ponds, a hurricane among light showers on an early spring morning, a—

What? Fine, okay, sheesh. Try to make a long metaphor here and apparently you’re the boring one.

As I was saying, unlike these inexperienced creatures who knew as much about their magic as a toddler knows about brain surgery, Discord was a master of his art, and a responsible one at that. He genuinely cared about the people of the land, trying his best to make sure they didn’t misuse their abilities. Truly, no other could even come close to Discord’s caring, benevolent nature that proclaimed him leagues above anyone else.

What? No, of course Discord wasn’t looking out for his own intentions! He definitely wasn’t only interested in these magical creatures because he wanted to rule over them as a power hungry tyrant. How could you come up with such a silly notion like that? Come now, this is a story of truth, not those fictional story-time ramblings you are so used to.

Now, where was I… ah, yes. Anyway, these magical creatures were in such a state of anarchy, Discord couldn’t believe his eyes. Split into three tribes, they had fought and bickered amongst themselves for centuries with no end in sight. Racism ran rampant, and crimes as heinous as ‘kick-me’ notes attached to the backside and ding-dong-ditching was a daily occurrence.

Discord, their marvelous ruler and supreme overlord, couldn’t bear to see them fight each other any longer. Instead, he sent a new threat to them that would force them to work together to defeat it. That threat just so happened to be mutated ice-demons from a realm not of our own bent on turning the entire world into a frozen wasteland, but hey, go big or go home.

Sure, there was the risk they could all get frozen and starve to death, but he was sure they would pull through most likely maybe. He bet five bits on it, after all, and it’d be such a shame if he lost such a wager.

Luckily for him (and his wallet), the creatures managed to work out their differences, defeat the new threat, and now worked together in their new homeland: Discordia. They originally called it by some silly names such as Earth and even Equestria, but really now, how unoriginal can you get? Besides, finder’s keepers, and losers are generally a bunch of whiners who never stop complaining.

So, when these now united creatures set themselves up in these new lands, Discord made himself known unto them and decreed himself as their head honcho of headliness. And do you know what these guys had to gall to do? Deny him leadership! Apparently, they already had a monarchy system setup where a bunch of princesses ruled instead. Bahahahahaha!

Pffft, wait, give a minute, I need to catch my breath!

I repeat myself: princesses. As in, no king, no queen, just princesses. How could you possibly rule a kingdom with a princess, never mind two co-ruler princesses? Plus, the word Princessdom just sounds stupid! Now, Discorddom, that had a ring to it. Or perhaps Discordpire, Discordarchy, Discordism, Discordublic, Discordocracy, Discord—

Okay, okay, hold your horses, pun literally intended! I’m getting to the good stuff, just wait for it!

…

…

…

Oh, you want it now? Geez, impatient ones, aren’t you? Now, where was I… oh yeah, Discord setting himself up as the brand-spanking-with-a-paddle new ruler!

Now, like I said before, these magical creatures weren’t too pleased when Discord waltzed right in and employed himself as their new all-powerful and all-knowing leader for all of eternity and forever and ever and so on. Apparently, they weren’t adjusted to “change” or “new leadership system” or “form of government where Discord is always right and anyone who argues against that gets a pie in the face.” I mean, really, I don’t see what there was to cry about.

But nevertheless, Discord had his hands/claws/paws/whatever filled with troubling problems. The creatures rebelling against his rule, the princesses were constantly trying to gain the upperhand against him, the toilet was still clogged, and his approval rating had sunk to less than twenty percent! This was an outcry that could not stand, especially if Discord wanted to succeed in the polls next quarter!

Hmm? You have another question? Why, exactly, did Discord care about poll numbers when he had placed himself up as the absolute ruler of an entire nation? Ah, well, that’s a long, complicated answer that begins with the pre-liberal organization of governance that directly correlates to the neo-conservative explanation of rights of—ooh, look at the time, I better wrap this up before the play is scheduled to end!

Back to the story, Discord knew he needed a solution to his vexing complications in an orderly and sophisticated fashion. With his devious mind and wisdom granted to him beyond his years (and no, he was less than two centuries old, not five like some dirty, cheating liars out there would claim), he performed magical feats that stunned those who would dare gaze upon the workings of a god! Or they could have just been stunned by the fact that ice cream rained from the sky and they were stuck in a scoop of rocky-road larger than a house.

Why use ice cream, you and your panging stomach may ask yourself? Well, he certainly wasn’t going to rain down fireballs on them, now would he? Well... maybe, but where’s the fun in that? Sure, you turn a couple of them crispy, but that’s just a bore, you know? It’s much more satisfying trying to see them escape all thirty-two flavors of ice cream doom! And then the brain freezes afterward would make them practically beg to be incinerated!

Some ran, some hid, while some made their way across the streets with bowls and spoons in hand to sample the raining ice cream deathballs. Oh, what a beautiful clash of fear and sugar-induced glee! It’s like an ice cream truck crashing into a school for mortally obese children!

Oh, but he didn’t stop there. No, he had other work that needed to be doing! Heck, doing was practically his middle name! Along with Discord being his last, because it generally made remembering his name easier. And when Discord Doing Discord wants something done, he does it himself!

...Okay, why are you laughing? Well, if you won’t tell me, then shut it so I can get back to the story! And you think I’m the immature one. Hmmph!

Anyway, we last left off in our story with Discord coming to the conclusion that if he wanted to quell the growing rebellion, he’d need to use his own form of magic to battle against it. With his wit, ravishing good looks, impressive physical physique, extensive knowledge of the finer arts, a developed sense of taste for freeform jazz, and his lucky penny, there was no way he could lose!

Now, not everyone was appreciative of the measures he took for complete control over the population. When cotton candy clouds blocked out the sun from the sky, the people complained. When chocolate rained from the skies, the people complained. When the roads were replaced with soapy water… well, the people were genuinely surprised. Apparently, many of them had no idea what soap was, never mind how to use it. Did I mention back then everyone really smelled and were really whiny all the time?

Interestingly enough, with all the sugary foods and drinks Discord threw at the populace, the only ones who seemed happy were the dentists. They all clamoured for his approval and were kissing the ground that he walked on, later flossing twice after doing so. Now see, those people know how to be grateful. Unlike the general population, with sob story after sob story crying out in protest against these so called “atrocities” Discord was committing. This was like trying to make a stubbed toe look like a flesh wound… if that flesh wound was grievous acts committed against the innocent for “the lulz,” and that stubbed toe being Discord replacing all the water in a dam with caramel, which, I might add, prevents leakage. See? It was a considerate gesture!

But no, none of those magical creatures ever took to heart just how much Discord cared about them! A bunch of inconsiderate jerks, the lot of them! Especially those prissy, pin-headed princesses! And they call themselves royalty! Bah! My toilet seat is more royal than them!

And did you know they had the nerve, and dare I say, the nerve to object to Discord’s rule?

First off, no takesy backsies: that’s like, the first rule when setting yourself up as tyrant for life. Kind of defeats the purpose of the “for life” part, don’tcha think? Secondly, they were like babies trying to overthrow a burly chested man with impressive pecs and toned legs… who also happened to be king over everything.

Still, they disregarded the clear impossibility of their quest and challenged him anyways. Oh, what a humorous sight it was indeed. Two adorable, little-itty-bitty princesses daring to defy the awesome might of a god! Needless to say, they’d be curbstomped so hard, the entire street would be disintegrated.

But hey, I never said these princesses were smart, did I?

No, they were dirty cheaters! Filthy, heathenous, double-crossing, stab-you-in-the-back-just-to-win, cheaters! I mean, really now, you’d never expect a princess to cheat in a fight, yet they did it anyway! The nerve, I say, the very nerve!

Oh no, hard work is hard, let’s use this conveniently placed magical solution item instead and then go act like lazy bums as usual! What a wonderful idea! The Magical MacGuffin of MacGuffins shall do all the work for us!

Bunch of stupid, mo—

Hey, don’t leave, I’m not even done yet! We’re just getting to the grand finale! And no, no bathroom breaks! I know we only have five minutes left, don’t rush me!

Well, to conclude a long and overdrawn battle in only a few words, Discord was defeated by the deus ex machina of magical devices. Of course, it comes down to cheap shots to defeat the most powerful being in all the land and space-time and even existence!

It all happened in a castle reduced to rubble, windows shattered in showers of broken glass, yadda, yadda, yadda, land turned to ash, people wallowing in despair, blah, blah, blah, and we’re back to the epic battle.

Discord had soon reached victory, the two princesses cowering cowardly like cowards before him. And just as he took his sweet time to laugh in a dastardly fashion, as per the usual creed after defeating your opponents in mortal combat, he was struck down in a surprise attack! The deus ex machina item’s vile and totally evil magic hit him, mercilessly reducing his might and trapping him in a stone prison.

Oh, how the angels weeped, the children cried, the people sorrowed over how their savior and grand master, Discord, had fallen in battle to the harkies of evil that were the princesses. The greatest tragedy ever to befall the nation of Discordia, later changed to that wretched and totally unoriginal name Equestria, had come to pass, and a reign of a thousand years of darkness took hold over the lands.

All hope was lost.

Discord closed the book with a satisfied thud. “The end,” he said, grinning to the mane six. “Now this is the true story of how Discordia was made.”

Twilight crossed her forelegs and sighed, the only one still awake from that most boring of stories told… except, of course, for Pinkie Pie, who had been giving Discord’s story rapt attention the entire way through.

“Discord, almost no part of that story was true,” Twilight said, scooting away from a pool of drool that a sleeping Spike had created next to her on her seat. “You didn’t even get the name right! Equestria was never called Discordia.”

Discord stuck his tongue out at her, which took the form of a thumbs down. “Well, you weren’t there, little miss know it all, so how would you know?”

“I know this stuff isn’t true because of history books. If you actually read a book every once in a while, you’d know.”

Discord smirked, pointing his book at her. “Aha, and that’s where you’re wrong! You see, the history books are written by the losers! So, of course, the hero of our story will be portrayed as the villain he was so wrongfully accused of! What you learnt is a mockery of historical events, twisting their truthfulness into lies and slander just to brainwash the young into accepting the inaccuracies in a bunk education system!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh please, not this again.”

“Ooh, ooh, Discord, oooooooh!” Pinkie shouted, waving her hoof erratically.

Discord smiled, saying, “Well, I’m glad to see there’s at least someone here who is interested in the tale. Yes, Pinkie, what is it?”

“Did Discord ever break out of his prison and get revenge against the evil princesses?”

Wiping her face with her hoof and groaning, Twilight muttered, “Pinkie, we already know what happened to Discord in the story! It’s Discord!”

“Hey now, no spoilers!” Discord tutted under his breath and shook her head sadly. “And here I thought you know better.”

Twilight threw her hooves up in exasperation. “But we already know this! You’ve even said it yourself: this is part of history!”

Discord shrugged, waving his claw passively in the air. “I say a lot of things. Such as ‘you have a good taste’ or ‘I love what you did with your mane,’ and even ‘I truly cherish your opinion of me.’” Discord leaned close to Twilight and whispered, “By the way, you might want to use more conditioner, your edges are getting a bit frayed.”

Twilight blushed and checked her mane. Meanwhile, Pinkie held both sides of her cheeks as Discord reopened the book. “But, since Pinkie is so interested in the tale of Discord, I suppose I can continue. Now to start off on book two: Discord’s Great Escape.”

Twilight furrowed her eyes at the book. “Discord, that’s a book about how to sell bubblegum in a troubled market.”

Opening it up, Discord arched a brow. “Oh, I suppose it is. I guess that means we’ll have something else to read once we’re done with the story!”

Pinkie cheered. Twilight groaned.

Getting up, Twilight saluted to Discord and Pinkie. “That’s it, I’m outta here. The historical inaccuracies are too much to bear, along with the fact the story is utterly fabricated by a madpony… person... draconequus… whatever!” And with that, Twilight made her dramatic exit by jumping out the window, since the door was still barred shut.

“Why didn’t she teleport?” Pinkie asked.

Discord tugged at his beard. “The window was just way too convenient?”

Awakened by the sound of breaking glass, Spike lifted up his head, dried drool along the left side of his face. “Hummawha? What happened?”

“Ooh, Spike, you’re just in time to hear the second book!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Blinking, Spike muttered, “Oh, great.” He immediately fell asleep afterwards.

Clearing his voice with several coughs, one of which ejected a lake trout from the back of his throat, Discord continued with his tale: “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… yet somehow still in the future…”