Sunset Shimmer Orders a Pizza
Sunset Shimmer shifted her hips a little as she stood in her living room, her cell phone pressed to her left ear. A voice spoke to her through the tinny speaker, and she replied, "Delivery." She paused, right hand moving up to rest on her hip. "Yeah, that's right. One large, hand-tossed. Pepperoni and Italian sausage on one half, mushroom, olive, and onion on the other. Uh huh." She reached up momentarily, scratching at the side of her neck. "Cash. Right, cool."
She pulled the phone away from her face, pressing one of the buttons and hanging up. She then immediately scrolled through her contacts list and dialed another number, bringing the phone back to her ear. Several seconds passed in silence before she spoke again. "Hey. Yeah, they said it should be ready in about forty minutes." She shrugged, despite the person on the other end of the phone line not being able to see her. "Sure, if you don't have anything else to do. See you then."
She hung up the phone again, stowing it in one of her jacket pockets, and sat down on her couch. She sat there, twirling her red and yellow hair around a finger for a few minutes before she heard a familiar sound outside. She knew the purring of that V8 engine quite well, and she stood up quickly as the noise ceased. She walked to the door, waited about seven seconds, and then pulled it open. "That was fast," she remarked.
"Yeah, I was already on the way when you called," said Flash Sentry with a smile. Sunset stepped aside, and Flash stepped onto the pale blue carpet of her apartment.
"So, you just assumed I'd say to come on over, then?" Sunset inquired as she shut the door. "For all you knew, I could've been naked on my couch, watching pony porn."
Flash furrowed his blue brow. "Pony porn?"
"It's porn with ponies, stupid."
"I get it, yeah, it's just... weirdly specific." He nodded and then shrugged. "And anyway, I could've just waited in the car or something if you'd been busy. But you weren't watching pony porn, so it doesn't really matter, right?"
Sunset just sat down on her sofa, leaning back and propping her feet up on the coffee table. She gestured an open hand toward the spot next to her, and Flash seated himself where directed. He hunched forward a little, hands clasped together just above his knees.
Sunset crossed her legs. "I'm assuming you brought it with you."
"Yeah." Flash reached into his jacket, rummaged around a little, and then pulled out a DVD case. He held it up, announcing, "Crust Busters 3. The best toast-based wannabe-superhero movie ever made." He put it down on the coffee table, leaning back against the couch. "Unless you'd rather watch some pony porn."
"Wow," Sunset deadpanned, "you're an idiot."
"So, what do you wanna do until the pizza gets here?"
Sunset crossed her arms, linking them together just under her ribs. "I don't see why we can't just start the movie now."
Flash held a hand out toward the TV across the room, replying, "I just hate having to stop a movie, you know?"
"It'd only be for, like, twelve seconds to get up and answer the door."
"And then we'd have to resettle in and run the movie back so we don't miss anything."
"Whatever," was all Sunset said as Flash relaxed back against the couch again. "What do you wanna do, then? You're the one who wanted to come over so early."
He rubbed a hand over his chin. "Uh, I don't know." He dropped the hand back to his thigh, staring at a spot on the wall near the TV. He sat there in silence for a good-minute-and a-half before finally saying, "I ever tell you about the time I got arrested in Tall Tale?"
"Tall Tale?" Sunset inquired, one eyebrow lifting slightly as she turned to Flash. "Why'd you go all the way out there?"
"There was this battle of the bands competition at Tall Tale University. We thought we might have a shot, so we drove out there to join."
Sunset's arms uncrossed, and she shifted in her seat a little. "No, I never heard about that. What happened?"
Flash leaned forward, right elbow and left hand resting on his knees. "Well, we drove out there in Break Beat's pool cleaning van during Spring Break."
"You didn't take your own car?"
"This was two years ago, back before I got the Palomino. It took us two days to get there, and we were all pretty tired of sleeping in our cars, so we wanted a motel. We could only afford one room, though, and it only had one bed in it. The motel was all full-up, too, probably because of the battle of the bands. Nobody wanted to sleep on the floor or in a chair, but it was only, like, mid-afternoon, so we decided to have a little contest to decide which one of us would get the bed."
"Stupid, insecure boys," Sunset muttered with a smirk. "Let me guess: arm-wrestling?"
Flash shook his head slowly. "Nope. Break suggested it, but nobody wanted to arm-wrestle a drummer, so we had to think of something else. We got some milkshakes at Ice Princess and were on our way back to the motel when we had an idea: see who can drink their milkshake the fastest."
"You could've just flipped a coin and gone through a process of elimination."
"None of us had any quarters."
"But you just bought milkshakes. They gave you change, right?"
Flash opened his mouth, but stopped suddenly as a look of slowly-dawning comprehension took hold of his face. "Crap," he whispered. "Well, uh, anyway, we all sat down at our table at the motel and got ready."
"How do you get ready to drink a milkshake?"
"We all swished hot water around in our mouths."
"What was that supposed to do?"
"We were kinda hoping it would make us warmer so we wouldn't get brain freeze. Anyway, we sat down and grabbed our shakes." Flash held up his hand as though he were gripping an invisible cup. "Break had a strawberry, Ted had a peanut butter and chocolate combo, and I had a classic vanilla. To keep it fair, we had Break toss one of his drumsticks up, and we'd all start drinking when it hit the table. So he grabbed up a stick and hurls it right into the ceiling. It hit so hard that it knocked some plaster into my shake, but I grabbed it up as soon as that drumstick hit the table and started sucking it down anyway."
Flash waved both hands out in front of him in a sweeping motion as he continued, "The smooth vanilla washed over my tongue like a wave of pure bliss, making my taste buds sing like a chorus of fat, sugar-loving angels. I didn't have time to savor it, though, because there was no way I was gonna sleep on the floor. I ignored the taste of the sweet vanilla love and sucked on my straw harder. The thick goo was resistant to my charms at first, but a good, hard stirring of my straw loosened it up, and I chugged on."
Flash smiled, moving his body about to mimic the scene he was describing. "I eyed my opponents from behind my straw. I could already see the pain in Break's eyes, and I knew what he was feeling: brain freeze, the bane of every impatient ice cream addict since its invention. Water was building in his eyes as a hand flew to his mouth, fingers parted to retain his grip on his straw. It was only a few more seconds before he dropped his cup of strawberry delight and cupped his hand to his forehead with a groan."
"Ted, meanwhile, was pulling on his straw so hard that his whole head was shaking, like it was gonna explode. In his haste, he hadn't stirred his drink, and a chunk of frozen peanut butter was stuck in his straw. He would have to clear it before he could continue, wasting valuable time."
Sunset Shimmer was leaning forward a little, having moved her feet back to the floor, and was watching Flash as he told the story.
"I smirked from behind my straw, assured that victory was mine, when my whole skull turned to ice in an instant. It hit me so hard and so fast that my reflexes got the better of me and I accidentally crushed my cup, spewing my vanilla shake all over the table and my pants. The pressure just sent more of the shake up the straw and into my mouth, too, which only made my brain freeze worse.
"Ted pointed at me and said, 'Disqualified! It's supposed to go in your mouth, Flash, not on the table.'
"I just held my head and sat back in defeat, watching to see who would be joining me on the floor. Break was back to sucking on his straw, one eye squinched shut from the pain that I now shared. Ted was pounding his straw down into his cup like some kind of butter-churning robot gone berserk, then he jammed the straw back into his mouth and started draining his drink at full force. It went on like this for about ten seconds, until...."
Flash stood up suddenly, holding his hands to his face. "'My eyes!' Ted screamed. 'My eyes are snowballs!' Ted fell out of his chair, wailing and holding his frozen head. Break Beat just laughed at him, though he was still cringing from his own pain. Ted managed to recover quickly, but he was still way behind. He tried to catch up, but Break Beat was nearing the bottom of his cup. It was time for desperate measures.
"Ted tore the lid from his cup, tipped his head back, and poured the remaining half of his chocolate and peanut butter shake down his throat. His breaths got heavier the more he chugged, and I could see his eyes starting to unfocus and point in different directions behind his sunglasses. Tears were streaming from the corners of his eyes by the time his cup slammed down on the table, completely drained. 'Done,' he choked out. Break let out a scream like a little girl whose toy pony collection had just burst into flame, and fell from his seat in defeat."
Flash sat back down next to Sunset, who had a pillow clutched to her chest. "Ted had won mattress rights for the night, but anyone who looked at him could see that it had come at a cost. He always talked a little slower, after that day. We all went outside, trying to warm ourselves up in the springtime sunlight. It helped a little, but it still took us all some time to recover. We were all gonna turn in early that night when Ted made a discovery: the contest didn't start the next morning, it started that night. Apparently, I'd gotten the dates and times mixed up or something."
"Wait," Sunset cut in, holding up a hand, "the milkshake thing isn't what got you arrested?"
Flash shook his head. "No."
"Then why did you spend so much—"
Flash held up his own hand. "I'm getting there. So, we're all scrambling to get our gear together when I realized that I never cleaned off my pants. They were still covered in vanilla milkshake, now dried in the sun and next-to-impossible to remove without detergent. The battle of the bands started in forty minutes, and all the bands had to be there at least thirty minutes early for sound check. There wasn't time to wash and dry them, so I could either go on stage with stained pants, soaked pants, or find a whole new pair somewhere."
Sunset interrupted again. "You didn't bring any extra clothes?"
"Nope. So we all go to the university and check in. There was this tiny little room with a raised platform at one end and a door at the other, with barely enough room for, like, thirty people. We didn't care, though, because it was a gig, you know? A chance to get our names out there. But I needed pants. I had the guys stay there and try to stall while I ran out to find someplace that had some pants.
"It was only when I walked out onto the street and had a look around that I realized that it was late, and all the stores around were closed. I didn't know anyone at the university, and I wasn't about to go up to some random college student and ask them for some pants. The university did have an on-site laundry room, though, complete with coin-operated machines. I would need something to cover up with while I waited for my pants, though.
"As if the universe itself heard of my plight, this homeless guy comes rolling over with a shopping cart of junk and a big wool cloak on his back. I was pretty desperate, but I'm still not very proud of what I did next. I snuck up behind the guy, being as quiet as I could, and snatched the cloak right off his back. I took off running as he started spraying profanity at me like a garden hose. I yelled back that I would give it to him after the contest, and managed to lose him around a corner.
"So then I'm standing in front of a washing machine, thick cloak wrapped around me, when I get a call. No, I didn't leave my phone in my pants, I took it out first. It was a call from Ted. He said that sound check was over, we were first up in the contest, that there wasn't anything he could do to change it, and that we'd be disqualified if I wasn't on the stage in five minutes.
"So I booked it back to the room and rushed onto the stage to get started, but I couldn't reach my guitar to play. At that point, I just went, 'screw it,' and threw the cape off. Better to compete without pants than to not compete at all, right? Might even get us a few more votes from the people with senses of humor. I stepped up to the mic and I went, 'Good evening, Tall Tale U.! I'm Flash Sentry, this is Break Beat on drums, over here we got The Ted on keyboard, and together we are Flash Drive! I hope you like what... we've....' I trailed off as I noticed that everyone was just staring at me in silence. No clapping, no shouting, nothing. Just stares. And that's when it hit me...."
Flash leaned forward in his seat, hands coming together and his words coming out slowly. "You ever go through this phase where you start doing something different, for no particular reason other than to try it? A few weeks of something out of the ordinary, just because? Eventually, you go back to the way you were a little wiser, but you still had that period of experimentation. Well, this was during the period where I had decided to stop wearing underwear."
Mad cackling echoed through the tiny apartment, and Sunset Shimmer fell to the floor clutching her stomach. Flash's head slowly slid down into his hand as she continued laughing at him, rolling on what little floor space there was between the couch and coffee table. It was almost a full minute before she crawled back up onto the sofa and retook her seat, and she was still snickering even then. Flash peeked out from behind his fingers as she said, "Okay, you can continue. So, you just flashed the—" but Sunset broke down into another session of half-crazed, stuttering laughter, sliding back to the floor.
"It gets worse," Flash sighed, bringing his chin up to rest on his hand. "It was right at that moment, with me standing in shock on the stage and looking down at my bare lower half, when the homeless guy from earlier busts into the room with two cops beside him. He points right at me and shouts, 'There he is! That's the one that got me from behind!'"
Sunset was still on the floor, wheeling her booted feet like she was trying to pedal a bicycle and pounding against the coffee table as she did so, still laughing uncontrollably. Tears were pouring across her face and onto the carpet as her whole body convulsed.
Flash was grinning a little as he watched her rolling about. "So, yeah," he continued, "The cops dragged me off the stage and threw me into a holding cell for the night. The only other guy in the cell with me was this weirdo in a green hoodie who kept talking about 'finding the wormhole.' I didn't know what he meant, but I kept my butt glued to the bench, just in case. It wasn't too bad, since the guys came by with my soaking-wet pants after a bit. I explained the whole thing to the cops, and they gave me a fine, and that was pretty much it. We drove back to Canterlot the next morning and had a good laugh about it all the way back."
Flash took in a deep breath and sharply exhaled it. "And that's how I got arrested in Tall Tale."
Sunset flung an arm up onto a couch cushion, struggling to pull herself up as tears still leaked from her eyes. She paused at the edge, covering her mouth as more giggles escaped. Flash reached over and offered her a hand, which she took and used to retake her seat once again. Her giggles slowly died down as she leaned back against the sofa. She sighed once they finally stopped, remarking with a smile, "Not bad."
She arched her back, her spine releasing several little pops as she pressed the back of her head into the sofa. She let out a little moan as she settled back in and turned her eyes to the clock on the wall. She squinted at it for a second. "Hey, wasn't our pizza supposed to be here, like, ten minutes ago?"
"Was it?" Flash checked the clock as well. "Maybe it's a busy night. Probably just running late."
Sunset just hummed, her smile fading. She crossed her arms once again, leaning sideways against an armrest, and waited.
Five minutes passed.
Ten minutes passed.
"Maybe we should go kick down their door and see what's taking them so long," Sunset suggested.
"But what if they deliver it while we're gone?" Flash asked. "I guess I could just go myself, though, and you could call me if it gets here."
"No, I made the order, I'd have to be there."
Flash just shrugged.
Fifteen minutes passed.
Twenty minutes passed.
Sunset stood up suddenly, her face twisted into a half-sneer. "Flash, get your keys. We're gonna go see what the hell is taking them so long."
Flash got to his feet as she passed him, headed for the front door. He followed her out, pulling his car keys from his pocket and unlocking the doors as he approached. Sunset hung back a little to lock her apartment door, but was soon sliding into the front passenger seat of his Palomino as he started up the engine. With a shifting of gears, the purring V8 carried them out onto the street.
Sunset was fiddling with her phone as he drove, making sure she had the right address for the pizza place. Satisfied, she leaned back against the heated seat, eyes fixed on the road ahead. Silence ruled the car for all of four minutes before Flash opened his mouth.
"Pony porn? Really?"
"You are really hung up on that concept."
"I'm just curious why would you go there specifically. There's a lot of other weird things to get off to."
A wide, toothy, borderline-sadistic grin made itself at home on Sunset's face. "Because I'm secretly a pony in human form who came to this alternate universe through a magic mirror, and pony porn is the standard in my homeworld."
Flash snickered a little, then just shrugged. "Whatever, sure."
A few minutes later, the car pulled into a near-empty parking lot, and Flash shut off the engine. Both climbed out and onto the cool pavement, shutting their doors almost simultaneously before walking up to the little building that bore a big sign reading, "Pizza S'plosion."
Flash reached out to open the glass door, but it only rattled in its frame. He squinted through the dim evening light, reading the small piece of laminated paper taped to the door. After a moment, he said, "Looks like they closed about," he paused to check his watch, "twelve minutes ago."
"What?!" Sunset stepped up to the door, leaning against the window with her hands cupped around her eyes. The lighting inside the pizza place wasn't much brighter than it was outside, but she could still see that someone was in there, moving back and forth across the floor with a mop in their hands.
Sunset reached up a fist, pounding it against the glass six times in rapid succession. The mop-wielder turned to her for a second, but then just kept mopping. She banged on the door again as Flash took a step away from her, but the mopper inside continued to ignore her.
One corner of Sunset's mouth twitched, and she turned away from the door. A cruel smile came to her slowly as she took a few steps down the little sidewalk path next to the building. Flash took another few steps back as Sunset hobbled back over to the door with a newspaper stand held in her hands. "Hey, jerkwad!" she called out.
The mopper turned again, dropped his mop, and ran over to the door as Sunset began to lift the little vending machine. He jammed his keys into the lock and swung the door open after a second. "Hey, lady, what's your problem?"
Sunset dropped the newspaper stand onto the concrete. "My problem is that I ordered a pizza that never came. Know anything about that, mop jockey?!"
The mop jockey glanced back into the restaurant, then back to Sunset. "Um, no?"
Sunset reached in through the doorway, grabbed hold of the mopperman's shirt, and pulled him out into the open air with her. "Are you sure about that?" she cooed, pressing the wide-eyed boy against the brick wall of the building. "Think about it."
"Um…. Maybe? We've only had one order ready in the last hour, but that was for carryout."
"I didn't order carryout, I ordered delivery."
"The order slip said carryout."
Sunset turned her head slightly to one side. "Flash, did I say 'carryout?'"
“Nope,” Flash snapped, despite him not having any idea. "You said 'delivery.'"
"That's what I thought." She turned back to the mopperman. "So, mop boy, where's my pizza?"
"Well, uh," the mop boy scratched at his neck a little. "We kinda closed, so one of the guys took it home with him."
"Where is he?"
The mop jockey scoffed. "I’m not gonna tell you that!"
Sunset wordlessly reached a hand up near his face, a little rectangle of black metal grasped in it. A sliver of silvery steel slid out of it with a click.
"He's at 1987 Cherry Street," the mop jockey said quickly. "Please don't hurt me."
Sunset smiled, snapped the little blade back into its base with another click, and tossed the mopperman back through the doorway. "Happy mopping," she chirped over her shoulder as she walked back to the car with Flash in tow, pocketing the knife.
"A little harsh, given the circumstances," Flash commented as he buckled in.
"I want my pizza," Sunset growled, "and I'm gonna get my pizza. Drive."
* * * *
Sunset raised herself up slowly, eyes narrowed as she looked in through the glass window before her. It was a nice house, though it had quite a bit of older furniture inside. Looked kinda like a living room from an old sitcom. Sunset scanned left, then right, taking in everything in the room. After a moment, her eyes settled on a wide, flat box resting on a table not far from the front door, and she smirked. There was her pizza, waiting for her patiently.
Her eyes snapped back to the left as movement caught their attention. Some guy in blue jeans and a red shirt was walking into the living room, zipping up his pants as he went. She growled softly as he approached the pizza box, but went quiet as he veered away from it and headed for a shelf of DVD cases against one wall.
"So, what do you think?" Flash asked from nearby as Sunset stepped out of the leafy shrub and onto the front door's welcome mat. She bent forward, eying the single, brass deadbolt lock. Flash leaned in a little, whispering, "Do you think if we just ask—"
Sunset slammed her boot into the door, blasting the engaged deadbolt right out of the frame in a shower of splinters. She strutted purposefully into the living room as the confused man recoiled in surprise.
"What-what're you doing?!" said the homeowner. "Who are you?!"
Sunset didn't answer him. All she did was walk over to the table, pick up her pizza, and walk right back out, tossing a twenty-dollar bill behind her as she did so. "Let's go, Flash," she said as she jogged toward his car. "Like, now."
Flash bolted for the car, running around the front end and wrenching open the driver-side door. The jet black two-door peeled out a few seconds later, leaving a befuddled and pizzaless homeowner in its wake as he stumbled out through his broken doorway and stared after them.
Sunset plopped down the pizza box onto the coffee table several minutes later, and then plopped herself down on the sofa next to Flash. She held up Flash's copy of Crust Busters 3, saying, "Ready when you are."
Flash popped it into her DVD player and sat back against the couch. Sunset opened up the pizza box, pulled out a slice for herself, and put her feet up on the table as the movie started up. She took a bite, chewed for a second, and then looked down at the slice in her hand. "Where the hell are my olives?"
