Rarity frowned as she tossed yet another dirty and grimy sock into her waste bin. It wasn't the comfy, fashionable kind that ponies wore but rather the misshapen, lumpy, ugly kind that everypony always seemed to find in their laundry baskets. Where did those things keep coming from?
Most ponies, including Rarity, were sensible enough not to question the quirks of the universe. However, anger can make one lose all reason. Rarity was having a particularly bad day after being forced to throw out three hoof-stitched wool sweaters that Sweetie Belle had shrunk in the wash, and Opal had subsequently shredded. Well, three sweaters and four dirty socks!
Rarity pinched her nose as she poured out her waste can into the lager dumpster. An eye twitched. Her keen eye for detail counted five socks.
“Now, now, Rarity. Don't let your eyes play tricks on you.” Against her better judgment, Rarity dug through the trash. She half-expected there to be six socks, but there were still only five. Five socks was still five too many.
Carefully, slowly, she huffed and threw her nose up. Walking back to her boutique, visions of bubble-baths filled her mind. The dirtiness made her feel unclean and she wanted nothing more than to close up shop early and hog the entire town's hot water supply for a seven hour bubble bath.
Fate wasn't so kind to her, because as she entered her shop she encountered the most terrifying thing that a small business owner could face: irate customers. A prim pair of posh ponies turned up their noses at her.
“Jet Set, Upper Crust. My, you're looking splendid this evening. What can I do for you?”
The gray unicorn stallion in a green suit ignored Rarity and turned to his wife. “Hmpth. I do say the service in here is lousy. We were left several seconds without any sign of ponies rushing to cater to our every whim.”
“Indeed.” His banana creme wife in a matching pink business suit nodded at him.
Rarity put on a wide smile. “Ah-ha, well, I'm here now. What can I get for you? Would you like to examine my wares?”
“Dear, that thing that smells like dirty socks is trying to talk to us.”
“Indeed.”
Rarity's ears drooped. “No, no. It's a... perfume! Yes, perfume. The Vicolts of Grazeland are said to find such scent alluring.”
“Tch. That's so barbaric. I guess we made a mistake in thinking that this was a quality dress shop.”
“Indeed.”
Rarity swallowed her pride. “E-heh, well, in a place like Ponyville, it's hard to keep the riff-raff out, if you know what I mean. I hate to lower myself to their standards, but I have to be pleasing to all of my clientele. If you'll give me a few moments, I'll freshen up properly. Please, browse my wares. I'm sure that you'll find everything more than 'quality' enough for your exquisite tastes.”
Jet Set snorted. “Hrmpth. Don't dally. I've got a lot more important things to wait around for today.”
“Indeed,” indeeded his wife.
“O-of, course. I'll be right back–” Rarity took one step and froze. There, in front of her, was a lone dirty sock. Unfortunately for her, the others saw it too.
The pair of snobicorns threw their noses straight up into the air and marched out the door, slamming it shut behind them.
“Indeed.”
Rarity's eyes twitched. Her resulting scream was so loud that it could even be heard from Cloudsdale.
***
“Twilight, what is this!?” Rarity slapped a dirty sock in her friend's face.
Twilight's eyes crossed as she looked down at it. She sniffed. “Yuck!” She scrunched her face up and swatted off the dirty footwear. “Ew, Rarity, it's a dirty sock.”
“I know that, Twilight. But I want to know why it's here, where did it come from, and most importantly, how can I get rid of it for good so I never have to see another one ever again?”
Twilight was going to chastise Rarity for slapping the thing in her face, but Rarity's half-drooped ears, twitching eyes, and wild, unkempt mane gave her pause. Instead, Twilight tapped a hoof to her chin in thought. “There are as many theories about the socks as there are ponies, but the one that made the most sense to me was called 'the law of conservation of dirtiness'. Basically, it states that dirtiness cannot be created or destroyed, so that when you clean something, the dirtiness has to go somewhere else. If there's no other dirty place nearby, it will simply manifest as a dirty sock, which is pure, elemental dirtiness.”
Twilight drooped her own ears in submission. “I'm sorry, Rarity, but the reason you see them around your shop is because you keep the place so clean. If you want them to stop showing up you'll have to be dirtier.”
“Well...” Rarity raised a hoof as if to raise a point, but stood there frowning. “You said that other ponies had other theories?”
Twilight shrugged. “Well, yes. As much as I hate to admit it, it really is an unexplained mystery. If you want to hear other opinions, feel free to ask around.”
“Hmm...” Perhaps Rarity could chat with other ponies about the socks while relaxing at the spa.
“Oh, and by the way, stay away from the spa. Spike used up all the hot water again with one of his seven hour bubble baths.”
Rarity dramatically crumpled on the floor and threw her hooves in the air. “Nooooooo!”
***
“So what do you think, Pinkie Pie?”
Pinkie glanced at the dirty sock Rarity held out and shrugged. “They leak over from a parallel dimension that has the opposite problem. There, socks disappear without a trace. Here, they appear.”
Rarity scratched her mane, “I don't know, Pinkie. I can't picture anypony ever wanting to wear socks that look like these. They don't fit any part of the body.”
Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Well, the ponies in that dimension look different too. Heh, if they could see us, they'd probably think we were the weird ones.”
“That sounds rather farfetched. Didn't Twilight say something once about small portals getting clogged easily?”
“Don't be silly. If dimensional leaks could be stopped by showing socks in them, socks wouldn't be leaking through in the first place!”
“Well, that is something to think about. Thanks, Pinkie, but I want to hear what the others say too.”
“Okay-doki.”
***
“So what do you think, Applejack?”
Applejack furrowed her brow and stuck her neck out to get a closer look at the dirty sock. She snorted and raised her head. “Those things? Everpony already knows that some wizard somewhere messed up a spell once and caused them to start appearing.”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Magic? You think they're the result of magic?”
Applejack shrugged. “Ah can't see what else could cause 'em. So I guess if you want them to stop, all ya have to do is work out the counterspell.”
Rarity frowned. “Countering a messed up spell is easier said than done. That's more of Twilight's territory, anyway. Perhaps I should ask a few more ponies what they think.”
“Ah don't see why you're wasting yer time with that, but I guess if you can get to the bottom of things, I wouldn't mind not having to pick 'em out of my pile of hats. Just, don't do anything unreasonable, ya hear?”
Rarity had already wandered off.
***
“So what do you think, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy averted her eyes. “Um. I try not to think about it.”
“Oh come, now. Everypony must have thought about the mystery of the dirty socks at some point.”
“Well...”
“Well, what, dear?”
“It's just...”
“It's just what?”
“I'm not sure I want to talk about it.”
“Darling, you don't have to be shy about your opinion.”
“It's dumb...”
“I promise not to laugh or poke fun at it regardless of how 'dumb' it is.”
“You sure?”
Rarity nodded.
“Well, okay.” Fluttershy took a deep breath. “You know how snakes shed their skin? Well, I think that there's some sort of creature that lives in our laundry baskets, but it's super shy and no nopony's ever seen one. The only way we know they exist is because of their shed skin they leave behind that looks like dirty socks.”
Rarity kept a blank expression. “Heh, well, that is certainly an explanation, but what would such creatures eat? Where would they hide? How could you get them to go away?”
“Um, I did say it was a dumb idea.”
“Well, I guess if they're so shy they can't be seen, they wouldn't want us to know what they eat, either.”
“You don't have to make excuses for it. I know how bad my theory is.”
“Well, it wouldn't surprise me if you were closer to the truth than you thought, but since nopony knows for certain, all I can do is keep asking. Thank you for sharing with me regardless of your opinion on your opinion. Heh.”
Fluttershy perked up. “No problem, and, um, if you do find a way to get rid of them, please let me know. I'm a bit tired of dealing with those things myself.”
“Will do.” Rarity nodded her head and walked away.
“Good luck!”
***
“So what do you think, Rainbow Dash?”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Whoa, what is that thing?”
Rarity blinked. “You've never seen a dirty sock?”
Dash scratched her mane. “Uh, well, maybe, probably, but it's been a long time.” She sniffed it, then recoiled and scrunched up her nose. She fanned the air with her wings to push the odor away. “Ew. That thing is like, seriously gross. Yuck.”
“What do mean you haven't seen any recently? Everypony gets them in their laundry.”
Dash faked a laugh. “Well, not everypony goes through clothes like you do.”
Rarity frowned. “I know that, but even you should have seen one when you went to wash your dress I made for the gala or that costume from Nightmare Night.”
“Wash...? Er...”
Rarity narrowed her eyes. “Please tell me you've washed them.”
Dash grinned really wide, baring her teeth. “What? Yes! Of course I've washed them! He-heh. Uh, if you don't mind. I've suddenly remembered that, uh... weather! Yeah, weather. I've got to go.”
“Weather?” Rarity asked, incredulous.
“Yes, weather! I totally have to go because of weather and not because of something completely unrelated to weather, like washing my clothes. Heh-heh. That would be silly.” Rainbow Dash flew off.
“Indeed.” For some reason, Rarity felt incredibly dirty saying that word.
***
“So what do you think, Lyra?”
Lyra jumped in the air and smacked her hooves together. A huge grin swept across her face. She was so happy that her horn sparked. “Feet~! With toes! Super awesome feet with toes and a heel and the whole shebang! Finally, somepony else who understands me!”
“Er...”
***
“So what do you think, Random Red-and-Black Alicorn?”
Random's eyes lit up and he politely kissed Rarity's hoof before removing the sock from it and cradling it against his chest. His eyes became dreamy. “Zhey are signs of affection from mi amore sockfu. She is ze elusive maiden who plants her enigmatic socks all across Equestria. Za most beautiful, perfect darling awaits for the one to solve her riddle and catch her in the act whereupon she will fall in love. I will be zat one, and we will share our passion for all of eternity.”
Random bowed before Rarity, spreading his red-and-black wings as he did so. “I must thank thee truly for bringing this clue to my attention, but alas, I must depart.” He rubbed the dirty sock caressingly on his cheeks. “Such an item of perfection can only be kept safe in my love shack on za moon.”
With that he (somehow) flew off into the night in the middle of the day.
Rarity blinked. Her expression was unreadable. “What.”
***
Rarity walked back into her boutique. Despite being gone only a few hours, all of her wares were covered in thick cobwebs. Long shadows wandered the isles. Rarity frowned. She'd have to fix her loose shutters and call somepony in to deal with her infestation of dramarachnids. She had no idea why they liked her place so much.
Speaking of ideas, Rarity paused to take sock of her situation. She'd gotten as many different theories as she'd encountered ponies, but they were all widely different and each made sense in their own way. That in itself was interesting, but confusing. She felt like she was on the cusp of understanding, but couldn't piece it all together. There was still something missing.
Rarity dusted the cobwebs off a rack of spring green dresses. As for her current situation, well, it's not like she hadn't upset potential customers before. As hard as she tried, her record wasn't perfect. She'd only upset a pair of wealthy and very influential ponies who had axes to grind and grudges to burn. They would relish the opportunity to spread the word that her place was a horribly pigsty fit for only the lowliest of plebeians. Rarity's eyes twitched and her ears flopped. Everything was once again covered in cobwebs.
Rarity was well on her way to ruin and it was all because of dirty socks. Rarity couldn't find her couch, so she flopped over on a bean bag that promptly stretched out under her weight and conformed to her shape. She pulled her hooves in and curled up to suck on her hoof. (She promptly spat that out because it tasted like a dirty sock.) Disgusted, Rarity morosely held that hoof in the air and looked around for something to wipe it on. All she saw were clean clothes. “Ooh, I can't even wallow properly. I don't want to wallow in filth.”
Frowning, Rarity moved to get up, and the bean bag shifted with her weight. It very nearly touched her sullied hoof. Horrified, she leaned back down. “The world really hates me today,” Rarity moaned. Socks. Why did it have to be dirty socks?
“Well, he-heh. If everypony else can have a wild theory about dirty socks, then why can't I?” They were an insult to fashion. They marred her store. They were a blight upon laundry—wait, laundry. They only appeared in laundry baskets (and sometimes trash baskets containing ruined laundry). That last sock she'd found was on the open floor. That could only mean one thing: it was planted!
Rarity scowled. Apparently, Jet Set and Upper Crust were still sore about how Rarity had won over Fancy Pants so quickly. “I may not know the truth about dirty socks in general, but I do know the truth about that last one, indeed.” Indeed.
Rarity's eyes popped open. The universe socked her with the truth. She made a socking revelation.
'Indeed' was the dirtiest of dirty words and it was the final clue that set everything else into place. All of the theories were correct, at least in part. Slowly, in a daze, Rarity levitated over a towel to wrap around her dirty hoof. (Duh—she should have thought of that earlier.) She vacated the bean bag and walked over to stick her head out a window. The bright blue sky loomed overhead. A wicked grin crept over her face. This was too perfect. Jet Set and Upper Crust would never know what hit them.
***
“Tch. I don't see why you've invited us back to this pigsty.” Jet Set scowled. “That discount you offered better be worth the trouble.”
“Indeed.” Upper Crust looked down at Rarity over the bridge of her nose.
“Oh, heh-heh, I've cleaned the place up quite a bit as you can see. Everything's sparkling. This place is fit for a princess.” Rarity's words were true. She'd cleaned up the spiderwebs. Her magic did make everything sparkly, and Twilight did visit her shop frequently.
“Hmm...” Jet Set and Upper Crust examined the room with critical eyes. They clearly weren't looking at her wares; they were looking for things to criticize. Rarity made absolutely certain that they wouldn't find anything—except for the bait she'd laid out. In the corner, by itself, was a laundry basket containing a single dirty towel. That, by itself, wasn't anything to complain about, but if it had a dirty sock...
Rarity struggled to avoid grinning when she saw them looking at it. Her horn sparked and a loud crash came out of her kitchen. “Oh, my, what was that?” Rarity threw her forelegs up dramatically. She hoped she didn't sound too fake. She turned to leave, then promptly swiveled around and shouted, “Aha!”
Jet Set and Upper Crust jumped. Sure enough, there was a dirty sock in the laundry basket.
Rarity pointed her hoof at them. “You planted the sock. I caught you in the act! What do you have to say about that!?”
Jet Set recoiled. “How outrageous! We both tuned to look at the kitchen as well. Your dirtiness manifested on its own.”
“Indeed.”
Rarity shook her hoof in the air. “Don't you 'indeed' me, missy! I have you all figured out!”
“Indeed?” Upper Crust raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, yes. Heh, heh. I bet you think you're clever, hiding amongst us like an ordinary pony, don't you?”
Jet Set stepped in front of his wife. “What are you talking about?”
Rarity put her hoof down and glared. “I'm only talking about her being the Queen of Feet. You see, long ago a wizard messed up a spell. She'd wanted to make it easier for ponies to stay clean so she wove a series of magics that allowed dirt to vanish from them when it wasn't being paid any attention to. Her spell worked well, so well, in fact, that she decided to make it self-sustaining and permanent. This is why everypony always looks so clean.
“Unfortunately, she'd neglected to account for the fact that dirtiness cannot be destroyed. Thus, when ponies became clean, the dirt simply shifted to a parallel dimension, where it built up. Left alone, it would eventually reach a breaking point and burst forth back into our dimension as some sort of dirtmageddon. That couldn't be allowed to happen, but it was too late to reverse the spell. Some other action had to be taken.
“To address this, the wizard called upon a colony of footsies—small animals that looked like hairless toed feet. Those creatures have a natural affinity for dirtiness, so they were sent to the parallel dimension with the intent to collect it. In this process, dirt wrapped around their bodies, like some kind of second skin. Once saturated with pure dirtiness, the footsie would return to our dimension briefly to shed its extra layer of skin in the form of a dirty sock before going back.
“They can work on their own, but they do far better when somepony watches over them. This is where the Queen of Feet comes in. It's her job to train and care for the footsies. They're only supposed to shed in laundry baskets, for example, so she'd teach them to do that. They're also supposed to stay hidden, as the truth would upset ponies.
“As for the Queen herself, that role is magically mandated. There must always be a Feet Queen. Whether that title is a blessing or a curse depends on how it became bestowed on its bearer. She too, must stay hidden, but she can always be recognized by her love of one word. It was the word that allowed me to piece the whole puzzle together. It was the dirtiest word indeed.” Rarity stomped her hoof in triumph. She sure showed them!
Jet Set blinked. He glanced at his wife who had the same bewildered expression on her face. “That has to be biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard in my entire life!”
Upper Crust nodded. “Indeed.”
“Wha-what?” Rarity shrunk back. Had she messed up? But it had all made so much sense! “Eh-heh, perhaps you didn't hear me clearly—”
“Hear you? Posh! We heard you alright. We heard you make a complete fool of yourself! You've got a load of laundry on your brain; you're a basket case. Your idea stinks so bad that it might as well be a dirty sock in and of itself.”
“Indeed.”
Rarity crumpled on the floor. “B-but it made so much sense! I just don't know what went wrong. I-I even caught her in the act—”
Just then, her wall exploded. Tiny splinters and bits of plaster pelted everything in her shop. The ponies all ducked and covered their heads. Fortunately, Rarity's shock-absorbent dress line took the brunt of the impact, and nopony was harmed.
Rarity was the first to raise her head and survey the damage. Everything was coated in a haze of plaster. All of her clean, sparkly dresses were either sullied, ruined, or outright destroyed. She winced as a cracked support beam teetered off its base and fell over. Her ceiling on that side drooped down and looked as if it might collapse.
As the dust settled, a black figure with red streaks on his body stood in the huge hole he'd blasted through the side of Rarity's boutique right next to her open front door. Rarity slipped with her magic, and he sparkled.
Rarity's eyes twitched. “Random, what are you doing here? I thought you were masturbating on the moon.”
“Zis time, I remembered to examine ze clue before having sex with it.” He thumped on his chest proudly, ignoring all of the property damage that he'd caused. “It was a good thing too, becauze zit led me right back to your shop, and just in time too! At long last, the object of me affection, me amore sockfu, has been discovered.”
Rarity looked around wildly. She lowered her head and drooped her ears, “Well, I did say that I caught her planting a sock, but that doesn't mean I was righ—”
Random shoved Rarity aside as he stomped into the room and flared his wings wide open. “I was ze one who caught her in such an act. And, as such, we are destined to be together, like one true pair of socks.” Random's large form reached over Jet Set and hoisted Upper Crust over his head as if she were some sort of prize in a video game.
“Indeed?” Upper Crust's one word vocabulary failed her indeed.
Jet Set was too shocked to move. Rarity skidded across the floor and thudded against the far wall. She had the wind knocked out of her and couldn't act.
“And now ve will spend all of eternity in our love shack on ze moon!” Random blasted off and smashed his way out through a fresh hole in the ceiling. More bits of plaster rained down.
“Wait, stop! That's my wife! She's already married; you can't just take her!” Jet Set futilely yelled at their receding forms.
“Indeed.”
Rarity coughed and shook herself to clear the plaster from her hair. “I swear, I had nothing to do with this! I didn't mean for this to happen! How could I have possibly known that pony by the name of Random would randomly appear?” She facehoofed.
“This isn't the time for that! Summon the guards, rally the town, alert the princesses, we've got to get her back!” Jet Set shook Rarity by her shoulders.
“Alert the—” Rarity blinked. “That's it! I'm so, so sorry about all of this, but Twilight will know what to do. Follow me.” Rarity ran out of her damaged building through the open hole in the wall. She took one last look at it before breaking into a gallop on her way to Twilight's sparking castle. “If we're fast enough, we might even be able to get her back before Random lays a hoof on her.”
Jet Set gave her a flat look.
“Uh, I mean, any more than he already has. Heh-heh.”
The two of them tore through town and kicked up a cloud of dust behind them. Ponies rushed to move out of their way.
“That Random Alicorn has really turned out to be quite the menace. Property damage, wife-napping, heh, when Celestia catches him in his love shack on the moon, she's probably going to banish him straightaway to someplace like the moo—” If Rarity wasn't in the middle of running, she would have facehoofed again. “I really am just flubbing everything I say today, aren't I?”
“Just put a sock in it already,” Jet Set spat.
***
In the shadows of Rarity's ruined dress shop, a cream-colored mare with pink and blue curls rummaged through the laundry basket containing the dirty towel and a single dirty sock. Her eyes lit up when she found the object she was looking for. From the basket, she extracted a small creature about the size of a rabbit that looked exactly like a pink, hairless foot. It cooed as she cradled it in her forelegs and stroked it.
“I'm so glad that nopony saw you, Toesy, or we'd have been in big trouble.” The mare released her hold and set the footsie down.
It looked up at her.
“You've got to be more careful than that. I know you've grown fond of this place, but I'm going to have to ask that you frequent elsewhere.”
The foot moped.
“Don't be that way. I'm just trying to look out for you. You can come back later after everything's calmed down, just, not anytime soon, okay?”
The foot tapped. It contemplated, but eventually it nodded at her.
“Good. I'm glad you agree. Off you go, then. The less time you spend in this dimension the better.”
Toesy hopped, then jumped off in a way that hurt the mind to see. It looked like it leaped, but it never landed. The point at which it disappeared didn't seem to exist.
The cream mare sighed and looked up. The sun was low, almost touching the horizon. Wind whipped up a light breeze and the exposed dresses in the shop rustled. This was such a perfect dramatic background, she couldn't help but use it.
She grabbed a dusty cloak from one of the racks and threw it around her. It was pink, but everything looked dark when backdropped against the sun. She reared up and cast her long shadow against the ruined building. “I am the shadow that walks in the laundry. I am the shepherd of dirtiness. I guard this world from a fate worse than dirty socks. My name is Bon Bon, and I am the Feet Queen.”
She hit the ground running and her cloak whipped behind her as she ran off into the sunset.
***
Rarity's theory really was true.
Indeed.
