In Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Rocks n' Potions
In Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Carousel Boutique, Ponyville
Apple Bloom squinted as she added another drop of mint oil to the bubbling concoction in front of her. The brew fizzled slightly in response, releasing a puff of vapor into her face as well as her best friends. After the three of them stopped coughing, Sweetie turned the page of Potion Making and You: a Beginner’s Guide to Alchemy.
“Apple Bloom, I think you added too much mint oil. It says here that the potion should have turned blue but…it’s still green! Oh and it wasn’t supposed to puff either.”
“Well, ah guess it’ll just have ta do. It’s not like we can make another batch, considerin’ that we used up all o’ our ingredients.”
“I dunno Bloom.” Scootaloo said while rubbing her chin. “Aren’t potions supposed to be like really exact? I don’t need to tell what happened the last time we screwed up a potion…”
Bloom blushed. “Ah know, alright! But this ain’t a love potion—poison or whatever. It’s only meant ta speed up a plant’s ability ta grow.”
“Pssht! Just don’t come crying to me if something bad happens.”
Before Apple Bloom could form a sarcastic reply, Rarity came trotting down the stairs with a rather bored looking grey coated mare. Out of equal parts frustration and curiosity, Bloom abandoned the “plant-growing potion” she’d been working on and joined her fellow crusaders in front of Rarity.
“I’m terribly sorry for interrupting your little experiment, but I need to show Ms. Pie something down here. Why don’t the three of you head on upstairs and help yourselves to the cucumber sandwiches I made. It can’t hurt to take a break, right?”
Considering that the three fillies had spent almost the entire morning making said potion, their bellies whole-heartedly agreed with Rarity’s proposal. Within seconds they were already galloping up the stairs and into the kitchen. With a quick application of magic, Rarity opened the door to a small closet and dragged a sizeable boulder in front of Maud.
“Remember darling, you Pinkie promised not to tell ANOTHER living soul about this particular…trinket in my possession!”
Maud blinked slowly. “It’s not a trinket. It’s a boulder.”
“Yes, yes it is indeed a boulder. But that isn’t the point! Is it of any use to you? Will you be able to get rid of it for me?”
Maud approached the oversized rock and gave it a few experimental licks. Afterwards, she took out a small magnifying glass to more closely examine the mineral composition. With a satisfied nod, she caressed the boulder with her hoof.
“This…is an excellent specimen. Near flawless layering, cracks and pits non-existent. I would…love to take it off your hooves. But I still have one question.”
“What would that be, darling?”
“A rock…this magnificent must have a name.”
Rarity blushed. “Eh…well I suppose his name is Tom.”
“Tom…but that doesn’t make any sense.”
“And why, pray tell, wouldn’t that make sense?”
Maud cocked her brow. “Tom’s not a male rock, like my little Boulder. Female rocks are much larger and have a different composition. From what I can tell…her name is Gertrude.”
“That’s preposter—”
As Rarity was often prone to do, she flailed her hooves to emphasize the ridiculousness of the situation but ended up whacking the table upon which the CMC’s failed potion rested. The table acted like a crude catapult, dumping the flask’s contents on Maud, Boulder, and Gertrude. Of course, the rock-farming mare barely reacted but fumed internally at being coated in some unidentifiable green goo.
Rarity gasped. “Oh I’m terribly sorry, darling! Just wait here a moment while I fetch some towels.”
While Maud waited, she noticed something strange or rather heard something strange. The noises she heard reminded Maud of something akin to a cow but much deeper. In fact, it was very similar to the rumble of thunder but not quite so loud. The mare tried to perk up her ears to listen more carefully but then…the sounds abruptly stopped. With a confused look on her face, Maud sat on her haunches as Rarity came back with a towel.
“Is there something on your mind?”
Maud slightly scrunched her muzzle. “I heard some really…strange noises. It’s probably nothing. Oh…and thanks for the towel.”
“Ah, don’t mention it. I feel terrible for spilling all of that disgusting sludge on your coat. If a towel isn’t enough, feel free to use my shower. It’s the least I can do!”
“I’ll…manage. Besides, I want to get Gertrude home as soon as possible.”
Rarity cringed upon hearing Maud’s decision. If she had been covered in goo, there was no way in Tartarus she could just wipe the stuff off with a towel and continue on with her life. No, it would take at a good hour long shower and a trip to the spa…at the very least!
She supposed that Maud was used to working around rocks, so she was also used to getting covered in sweat and grime. But now wasn’t the time to focus on the Pie Family’s hygiene habits. She finally could be rid of To—Gertrude. No longer would she be the plot-end of so many rock jokes! But right as she was about to bask in her triumph, she heard a strange groaning noise.
“Maud, did you hear that just now?”
“Yeah, that’s what I was hearing earlier. I thought I was just imagining it.”
“You don’t think…the Boutique’s foundation is crumbling apart? Oh sweet Celestia! We’re going to be squished to death, aren’t we? WAAHHHHHH! I’m too young and beautiful to die!”
Maud rolled her eyes. “Stop panicking. Your foundation is fine.”
“O-ok but what do you suppose it was?”
Before Maud could reply, she felt something tap her shoulder. When she turned around to see what it was, she was surprised to find Boulder…nuzzling her? She blinked twice before letting out a surprisingly girlish scream. After taking about two nanoseconds to regain her composure, Maud kissed Boulder and sat in front of Rarity.
“What in Equestria is going on? Did Boulder just try to…snuggle you?”
“It would appear that way.”
“Well, I suppose stranger things have hap—eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Boulder was the least of their problems. For now, Gertrude was currently licking Rarity’s mane with a long, stony tongue. The only problem was that unlike dogs, living rocks didn’t have saliva. What they do have is a nasty mixture of muddy water and gravel. Needless to say, Rarity’s mane looked like it had been dragged across the bottom of a riverbed once Gertrude was done showing her mistress affection.
Rarity cleared her throat. “Pardon my language darling, but…WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA’S CURVACIOUS PLOT IS GOING ON?! Why am I being licked by a ROCK?! And more importantly, HOW AM I GOING TO WASH ALL OF THIS MUDDY GRAVEL OUT OF MY MANE?!”
“I’m not sure. But I think it’s pretty cool.”
“Well I certainly don’t! It was already bad enough that it was taking up space in my basement. I can’t have this…thing following me around all day and making my coat and mane filthy!”
Upon hearing her mistress’s dissatisfaction, Gertrude let out a sad sounding grumble and rolled away from Rarity. After she was an acceptable distance away, the boulder began to spray pebbles all over the basement floor while emitting a continuous dirge-like rumble.
Maud stared at Rarity. “That was mean. You’ve upset her.”
“I’ve upset her? How can a rock possibly become upset?”
“I’m not an expert on feelings…just rocks. But I’d go apologize if I were you.”
Rarity huffed. “This is ridiculous.”
Unsure exactly how to comfort Gertrude, Rarity hesitantly used one of her hooves to pet the boulder in a circular motion. After a few moments of petting, she seemed to stop spewing pebbles all over the floor and let out a higher pitched rumble. This time, Gertrude nuzzled Rarity’s side instead of licking her to show that she accepted her mistress’s apology.
“Ah, well I’m glad to see that you’re feeling better. I’m…sorry about earlier. It’s just that muddy gravel is very difficult to scrub out of a mane. You understand, right?”
Oddly enough, the boulder wobbled in what Rarity could only assume was agreement. Even stranger still, the fashionista actually felt relieved to know that Gertrude had forgiven her so easily. Although, it was mostly due to the fact that nopony would want to get on the wrong side of a several hundred pound boulder.
And so, it was exactly at that moment the CMC made their way back down to the basement to witness Rarity snuggling a boulder. All three of the fillies stared at her with their mouths agape for at least a good minute…until they started laughing their flanks off. Rarity started blushing profusely and did her best to act composed but ended up failing miserably. Realizing that it was useless to try and explain her situation, she patiently waited for the CMC to tire of laughing.
“Are the three of you quite finished?”
Sweetie snorted. “Sorry sis, but it’s just so funny seeing you cuddling Tom!”
“Be that as it may, I cannot help but think this entire situation is your fault. And furthermore, this boulder’s name isn’t Tom…her name is Gertrude.”
Bloom yelped in panic. “Wait a minute! Ah put the potion we were makin’ right on top o’ this table. What happened to it? Y’all didn’t spill it…right?”
“Unfortunately, that was exactly what happened. But what was this potion of yours supposed to do in the first place?”
“It was supposed ta be for growin’ plants. But how in tarnation did it end up bringin’ a rock ta life? Just doesn’t make any sense…”
Rarity puffed her cheeks. “How in Equestria should I know? Look…I think it would be best if we take this little problem to Zecora. If anypony knows about how potions work, it’s her.”
“Ah suppose it couldn’t hurt.”
Maud nuzzled Boulder. “I enjoy Boulder being alive. He’s so…cuddly.”
Zecora’s Hut, The Everfree Forest
A certain zebra noticed that her old coo-coo clock chimed twice, signaling that it was two in the afternoon. As was customary in her homeland of Zebrica, now was the time to relax and enjoy a hot cup of tea while nibbling on a few choice pastries. Zecora swished her tail happily as she poured some green tea into her favorite smiley face mug. Moments later, she sat on an old beanbag chair and was just about to take a sip…when she heard a knock on her door. Why is it when I am about to rest, somepony decides to be a pest?
With a heavy sigh, Zecora put down her tea and trotted to the door. When she opened the door, it wasn’t just a single pony that greeted her but an entire group! And least surprisingly of all…the dreaded Cutie Mark Crusaders were among them. Feeling yet another migraine coming on, Zecora put on her best fake smile and greeted Rarity first.
“Ah Rarity, I see that you aren’t alone. What brings your group to my home?”
Rarity bit her lip. “Good afternoon Zecora. I really hope we aren’t interrupting anything but…there is a bit of a situation that we believe could be resolved by your expertise in potions.”
“Sadly, I know the Crusaders are involved in this. The plant growing potion must have gone amiss.”
“Yes, that’s the gist of it. It’s rather odd how you came to that conclusion so quickly…”
Zecora clicked her tongue. “For advice on potions they came to me. So I gave them a book on alchemy. I told them the ingredients must be exact, not such. It is apparent that they added something too little or perhaps…too much.”
The CMC all gave Zecora an apologetic look, knowing full well that they hadn’t heeded the zebra’s warning. Since Apple Bloom was the main perpetrator, she slowly shuffled forward and rubbed the back of her neck, hoping that her mentor wouldn’t be too angry.
“I’m real sorry Zecora. Ah just got so wrapped up in gettin’ a potion makin’ cutie mark that ah forgot the most important part o’ alchemy.”
Zecora patted her head. “Your apology, I accept with glee. Next time, just listen to me.”
Before Zecora could so much as inquire as to what exactly had gone wrong with the potion, she tackled to the ground by an overly affectionate Gertrude. Luckily, the now sapient boulder had enough common sense to realize that both ponies and zebras were far squishier than rocks. Thus, Zecora was spared any broken bones or crushed organs. But…that didn’t stop her from getting covered in mud and gravel.
“Look…at all this muck in my mane! To wash it out shall be a pain!”
Rarity chortled. “That was exactly my initial reaction, darling!”
“Now, I see the error in the potion. Instead of growing plants, it caused substitutiary locomotion!”
As if to punctuate the zebra’s statement, both Boulder and Gertrude wobbled away from their owners and sat next to each other near Zecora. The truly strange part, at least to Zecora’s perspective, was that the two of them seemed to be…snuggling each other? If that wasn’t enough, she heard sounds that could only be described as a combination of gurgling and rumbling. It pretty much sounded like oatmeal being shot through a fire hose.
With her mouth agape, Zecora witnessed something that few living beings had ever witnessed. Boulder hopped on top of Gertrude and started grinding himself against her, while she made high pitched gurgling noises. Noticing this, Maud rushed over to the CMC and wrapped her hooves around their eyes.
“This is not appropriate for little fillies to see.”
Rarity scrunched her muzzle. “Are they…doing what I think they’re doing?”
“Yes. They are making sweet rocky love. With any luck, the two of them will be the proud parents of a baby geode in a few weeks.”
“Oh well, that’s lov—WHAT!? H-how is that even possible? They’re rocks for Celestia’s sake! They don’t have the proper…equipment to do that.”
Maud snorted. “Magic.”
Rarity sat on her haunches and rubbed her temples. Of course it all boiled down to magic. And once again she was forced to endure chaos that even Discord himself couldn’t have imagined! It was all because of the CMC’s eagerness to earn their cutie marks. With a heavy sigh she summoned her fainting couch and was about to fall into its soft embrace until…she felt something hit her in the eye.
Hesitantly, she lifted her hoof to inspect the offending substance and noticed that it was quite sticky. Upon further observation, the fashionista realized that it had the consistency of grape jelly but was grey colored with shiny flecks spread throughout.
A knot began to form in her stomach as a horrible realization came to mind. Sure enough, when she looked back at the cuddling pair of rocks, they too were covered in the same sticky substance. After flopping onto the couch, the poor mare started to cry.
“This truly is the worst possible thing…”
Zecora suppressed a snicker. “Cheer up friend, don’t look so glum. There’s nothing dirty about Boulder’s cum.”
“Easy enough for you to say! Ughh…just tell me that there’s a way to turn the both of them back into ordinary rocks.”
Zecora’s shook her head. “It’s not for ingredients that I lack. I’m afraid it’s impossible to turn them back.”
Feeling that an argument was beginning to brew, Maud felt it was best to offer the irate mare an alternative. Granted, she was no expert on how potions worked but she was very interested in keeping Boulder and Gertrude alive. Mostly is was because she couldn’t bear the thought of separating the two and part of it was because she could stand to make a few bits by showcasing a pair of living rocks back on the farm.
“I have an idea. Let me take them. My whole family likes rocks, so they won’t mind if the two of them stay on the farm. Considering how frisky these two are, they’re going to need a lot of space for all the little geodes. Anyway…it’s just a thought.”
When nopony seemed to object, Maud grabbed Boulder and placed him on top of her head. She petted Gertrude and whistled for her to follow and surprisingly enough, she did. Everybody in the room gawked at each other once Maud left, completely in shock that such a strange problem was solved in such a simple manner.
Rarity cleared her throat. “Good. Now, who’s up for an emergency session at the spa?”
Several days later at the Pie Farm…
Maud and Clyde Pie sat next to one another as they observed their new pet rocks rolling around in the grass. Since neither pony was a fan of expressing themselves, they were content to nibble on a blade of wheat and contemplate the greater mysteries of life.
Clyde grunted in approval. “You did well, daughter. Those two are sure to make us some bits.”
“Yes, father.”
“Speaking of couples, when are you going to get married?”
“I’m a strong, independent mare. I don’t need a stallion in my life right now. I have rocks.”
Clyde sighed. “Just thought I’d ask.”
“It’s ok, father. I’m just waiting for the right stallion to rock my world.”
“Ah. Well in that case, there’s a nice stallion in Applelo—”
Maud jammed her hoof in his mouth. “Don’t push your luck.”
The awkward silence between father and daughter continued, as it was always meant to be. Ever so slightly, Maud grinned in triumph, thinking about her next visit to Ponyville. She’d bring Boulder, of course, but only because she wanted to have a reason to start a conversation with a certain pony. This certain pony was a stallion, who just so happened to have pet as well. A dog named Winona, if she recalled correctly. Yep. Next week was going to rock. She was sure of it.
Author's Note
I got the idea for this while at Bronycon. It's a terrible story, so don't take it too seriously folks.
